It’s a phrase I’ve heard quite a lot over the years, that sense of being a startled rabbit in the full glare of car headlights, of ‘grasping the nettle’, exorcising or purging the body of toxins and exploring those dark places and feelings in the deep recesses of the mind you might have consciously hidden away or secretly hoped would disappear if you waited long enough and were out of sight. Simply cease to exist if you disowned or deprived them of any focus/attention and concentrated on the so called positive emotions by reciting affirmations and mantras until they became ‘second’ nature.

But what I’ve found on my journey so far is that this approach (suggested by others but ultimately adopted by myself) appears to have had the opposite effect.

For example, holding onto emotions about conflicts I witnessed as a child when my parents argued and disagreed on a regular basis. The element missing seemed to be that of conflict resolution, even if they just agreed to disagree! In parallel, the ‘kiss and make up’ (interesting word) of young children after a scuffle or fight; done and dusted/time to move on, is no doubt a timely reminder.
All of which seems to have left me with a fear of expressing contrary views and getting involved in disputes (even though I believe in ‘standing in your own truth’), as my anger is likely to be triggered in various guises and I (still) don’t feel this is OK.

By way of contrast there were very few public displays of affection between my Mum and Dad or any of their children (except perhaps my sister). You could say this closeness seemed to be ‘off limits’, not the thing to be seen to do (particularly as a male), as no doubt, it was passed down from the previous generation in the same vein. However, this is not to blame my parents whose outlook was coloured by their own upbringing.
In other words, I realise that in the here and now I’m ultimately responsible for my actions created from within.

Again, through a wide range of experiences, I am aware that when I feel unable to express myself (for whatever reason, probably fear at its root) it often creates problems further down the line. Although I am conscious of the pitfalls it doesn’t stop me repeating the same ‘mistakes’ and patterns of behaviour. The tendency for my frustration and anger to leak out and project onto others, as has happened over the last few months (heartfelt apologies to those caught in the firing line).
Living with the knowledge that it is self induced only increases the pain and anguish, like the self penned poem below illustrates, although I did get a fleeting glimpse of somehow being beyond my raw emotions.

Plumbing the depths

That deep feeling of utter despair
Permeates every part of my being
All that I have to offer ebbs away
Lifeless, I deny my very existence

Drained of energy to face the world
Taking the next step becomes a chore
And weariness oozes from every pore
Overwhelmed, engulfed, shrinking

My name frozen out of the picture
Sidelined, evicted, taken for granted
Covering my face, I stumble and fall
I begin to sink down, intensely small

My eyes now a window to inner turmoil
Belied by a strong desire for outer order
The sense of desperation gains strength
Fuelled by the advancing sands of time

Sensitive to touch and startled by sound
Retreating, detaching, withdrawing, escaping
A fear based layer of uniform numbness
Subdues the emotions in a false sanctuary
Only emerging to be revealed and healed
A heartfelt outpouring for the greater good

Now the intensity of that moment has subsided, the question of dealing with the ‘fallout’ remains. I agree it’s about finding an appropriate channel or outlet, as you so clearly described in your article, Chris:

“Like anger for example, if we suppress anger (by writing a "love is all there is" program over it for example), then all that happens is we get even more blocked, tight and insensitive to who we truly are. If on the other hand, we find a way of honouring the anger - without projecting it at another - then we have a powerful way of processing it”.

I am, though, a little confused about one of the sentences in the same piece, namely:

“The soul does not need one particular experience or another; it is simply a programmed identity that does.”

I was under the impression that the soul is not working to a program but spontaneously arises beyond any external dramas or attachments. It may be my definition of a ‘program’ is too narrow and restricted in this context?

Here’s to accepting and honouring all our emotions, rather than being in denial or a state of suppression, before then allowing them to float away into the ether. Letting the real you shine through!

In love and light,

Andy

Hi Andy,
first of all I would like to thank you having the courage of to share such deep pain with us. I feel how much it matters to you that you are hurting others with your behavior. This is already an important step in the process because it means that you are not just blindly acting out your anger but that, at least in retrospect, you are capable of seeing what it does to others. In other words, you are not totally identified, but the observer is present as well.

It is also normal that when anger has been suppressed for such a long time, it will come out all the more strongly once the safety valve has been removed. It is simply a law of energy: if the pendulum has swung too far in one direction, it will have to swing just as far in the other before it can gradually come to a more balanced and harmonious state in the middle. (Therefore, I agree that trying to stay with the - so-called - positive only is not going to work.)

I don't know about you but I find it quite hard to accept those parts of my psyche that I feel are kind of lagging behind the rest, that appear so undeveloped compared to the rest. However, I think we are a mosaic of very heterogeneous parts, some of which are highly developed, whereas others, for whatever reason, have remained very immature. The only way to grow is to take a close look at those parts we would like to hide the most (the shadow). Not easy at all. In seminars I have found that it can be helpful to understand on a cellular level that we are not the only person to have such dark places, but that ALL OF US have them. Then we do not have to hide them so much any longer.

In your case I feel it is important to forgive yourself for where you are at with your anger at the moment and to bring in an element of playfulness and creativity. You could, for example, reserve time for a regular 'anger session' and then go into the woods and scream and let out any anger you can come up with (even when it feels artificial at first, after a while you will hit deeper levels); the same can be done in a closed car.

When you feel that your anger was disproportionate to the situation, it often means that there were smaller incidents before where you failed to express your dissent etc. So if you can track these back, over time you can learn to say No much earlier thus sparing yourself a big fit of rage. I hope this is helpful and not too patronizing.

As far as Chris' comment on the soul goes,

“The soul does not need one particular experience or another; it is simply a programmed identity that does.”

I think this is just a semantic confusion. The opposition is between the soul on the one hand, and the programmed identity on the other. Said differently: A programmed identity needs one particular experience or another whereas the soul doesn't. Right, Chris?

Love and light to you too, and to all our fellow strugglers,
Tasneem

Messed up the first sentence:
it should read of course: First of all I would like to thank you for having the courage to share such deep pain with us.

Thanks for your insight and comments, Tasneem; I hear and sense the support of someone who has ‘been there’ at one time or another on an evolving journey, as we all travel on the circle of life.

I’ve certainly been aware over many years that I’m not alone when it comes to the issues I’ve mentioned, although yours is a timely reminder in case that fact gets lost and buried in the undergrowth, amidst the dramas of day to day living.

Looking back on what I said about conflicts, much of it speaks of the inner child; a simplistic, naïve hope that someone will come and ‘kiss it better’ and everything will magically be alright again (if it really was in the first place). This is what came up for me and also relates to the feeling of a lack of support at certain points, which is a paradox as mostly I’m pretty self-sufficient; in fact, probably to an extent which can adversely affect other relationships if I’m not careful.
Though I recognise the value of helping each other to spread the burden/lighten the load when it all gets too much (but only if it feels right to intervene). Only last week I was able to do just that when someone at a health and healing festival was feeling dizzy and unsteady on their feet, due to a recent bereavement.

The points about my anger are well made, as my old unfinished business or baggage can trigger a larger explosion, unless defused and released at an earlier stage. I can remember a number of incidents where I felt unable to speak my mind so stayed silent, in effect biting my tongue to avoid causing offence or rocking the boat. And there is impatience with the rate of my own progress, which can be self defeating.

I’m learning not to give myself a hard time (easier said than done) when things go awry, although it is challenging to not fall into the well grooved, familiar patterns of yesteryear. Hopefully, I’ll get there without imprinting a new program on the original.

I understand the meaning of the sentence I quoted, now. I can see what Chris meant but it’s interesting that I read it differently at first glance.

Take care,

Andy
x

Hi Guys,

Pardon the silence - we were completing and recovering from The Transfiguration - a deep inner exploration for all concerned.

It seems you resolved the confusion over the identity line...

“The soul does not need one particular experience or another; it is simply a programmed identity that does.”

Yes I can see I could have worded it better perhaps. Yes I like the way you've worded it Tasneem...

A programmed identity needs one particular experience or another, whereas the soul does not.

I get the sense that you are beginning to confront that inner tightness Andy. As I've said to you before, I think the issue is that you have an insightful capacity for absolute authentic reality - you can really see and feel the rightness and inauthenticity in life. It's because you have a strong Ray 3 influence... "resolving absolute authentic reality (see The Seven Rays of Divine Impulse.

So for example, you appreciate the value of expressing that which is held within, yet simultaneously, you probably feel the responsibility of our affect on the surrounding energy field and other souls within it. This too is a truth. As we frequently say here at Openhand, every distortion conceals a hidden truth and the key to finding right expression and therefore internal harmony, is to confront the distortion but then align with the truth.

So for example, when speaking of anger, it is good not to suppress the anger, but at the same time, it is important that the outlet we apply is appropriate. So it's not good to project anger at another for example, unless they've consciously invited it.

It's exactly the same when we offer a point of view quite forcefully. There are those who could be unduly influenced in a way which doesn't serve them. Ultimately if we manipulate another in this way, all we're really doing is manipulating ourselves - the energy we've built up will come back to visit us at some point down the line. The soul knows this, so there's authentic care about how and when we express. It's all about having the 'right' affect on our environment - in keeping with who we truly are.

So the key is to keep looking for the truth and expressing that in the most appropriate way. Sometimes we will have what we may observe as a negative affect, but we need to be clear that this is not just our own self limiting judgment. I've often observed how my energy has 'stirred up the field' and those within it. Sometimes it feels like quite a burden, but I've learned to watch synchronicity carefully because it tends to be the objective 'referee'. When we move beyond selfish motivation for action, then synchronicity can confirm what the field and the flow within it are inviting.

If we keep being honest with ourselves about why we do things and working to express authentically without blame, judgment or projection at others, then I do observe how people come to a place of right expression, authenticity and ultimately, true and lasting Enlightenment.

Chris

It's so hard to see the truth behind all the habits and addictions (physical and emotional), but even when I already see it, I find it so hard to implement.

It seems that time has to pass from the moment of realizing something till the moment I can actually do something about it. And in the middle there are periods of trying to deny, hide behind something that feels pleasant and comfortable, pretending that what should be is what is.

These periods are the toughest for me, because all this time I feel also a great inner discomfort, like sitting on a volcano, while the tension is building up and intensifying.

It reminds me of the mechanism of the chemical reactions - the system has to gain enough energy, transition energy, to pass through a more unstable, more energetical state..once it has enough energy, it's easily falling to the next, stable state.

And it's really like it, after this volcano period suddenly I find myself in a new place, feeling like it was so clear and easy...And immediately after the new "rising in instability" begins..

And so I go, up and down, a roller-coaster ride.

And even that I know (feel) all this it's still hard to implement this knowing, and each time I take it "very personally", "Why are you doing this to me?!" Boo hoo

Inner truth - I felt it, and then I found myself drawn back, hiding and swirling in all the staff that I know it's not me - seeing it clearly and judging myself, until a reminder is shown to me, that judging is only another "untruth". Gaining...gaining...

And then, like a magic, I find myself writing in my forgotten and "thrown in the corner" diary, and everything becomes clear, I find "myself" again, and all the questions are answered...

Lost and found.

Sometimes I feel that I can't do it, it's all too hard, but then a voice telling me "I would never give you a task you can't deal with, you have everything you need...".

..it's everywhere..

Hi Yulia,

Yes indeed, the spiritual journey can be an emotional roller-coaster and sometimes difficult to implement corrective actions for negative patterns diverting us from the path - my heart goes out to you and everyone feeling the same way.

The real key to breaking the energy that conditions us, is to confront it as it's happening. That way we interrupt the neural pathways in the brain that want us to behave in pre-programmed ways. The more we interrupt the patterns, the more the neural pathways dissolve. Of course the reverse is also true - the more we follow the conditioned behaviours, the longer they persist.

As you rightly say, it is not always easy to watch the behaviours and prevent them activating. It is because they cause inner 'blind spots': so that which we are - pure presence - identifies with the bodymind in those particular blind spots. The pull to behave in the pre-programmed way is, at times, overwhelming. However, if we don't spot the behaviour at the time it engages, all is still far from lost. What we may do, is keep a daily journal which we can write up in the evenings. We can note the patterns and then contemplate how we might interrupt them - take a look at dealing with addictions in my book Five Gateways. It's covered in Gateway 2, The Realignment.

In essence, it involves a complete physiological response - noticing the effect such behaviours have on the body and mind - like tightening in the head for example and shortening of the breath. We then work within the body to engage with these feelings and not be victimised by them. This in itself can break the identification dilemma.

If we keep a journal in this way, when we wake up the next morning, it will help to browse the journal and acknowledge potential courses of action. For example, a good friend wrote post-it notes saying "let go" and posted them all around her house - it was very effective. And when I was struggling to deal with an ex partner being very judgmental and projectional, I simply asked the universe for help... "show me!" The very next day, I was guided to an old Shaolin teaching "become as nothing in the face of your 'enemies' and they have nowhere to strike". It resonated deeply, I found myself able to dissolve and the 'bullets' just passed straight through. Thus I stopped reacting to the energy and dissolved the old distortion. I was then able to respond in a more authentic way.

So keeping a journal and asking for help in counteractive measures would be of great value.

Also, it pays to process out any of the negative energy that may have accumulated in our system. So as the neural pathways fire into action, the hypothalamus at the centre of the brain releases powerful neuro peptides which infuse the blood stream and engage with our cells to mirror the thought processes going on. So if we have a negative reaction to something, our physical cells are literally impregnated with that negative energy. This also works in a similar way with the emotional body, the subconscious mind and the causal body (where negative past-life 'karma' is stored). So we must work to process this energy out otherwise, when the energy is initiated by the conditioned behaviours, it can feel like we've just been hit by an energetic Tsunami!

There are many ways to process this energy. Again I've written about them at length in my book. Essentially, the key is to keep tuning into our joy and becoming the Observer of ourselves. In being the Observer, we don't identify - we literally no longer hold the energy in place. Hence the log-jam begins to break. In following our joy, we unleash powerful positive energy (like endorphins for example), that infuse through our bodily vehicles of expression and dispel the negative energy. Meditation is especially effective in doing this.

So yes, the spiritual journey (indeed life itself) can be an energetic roller-coaster ride, but there are many tools we can apply to help level the playing field. The real key is whether we choose to engage with the game, or not engage, but have it play around with us anyway!

Chris

Dear Chris

Hope all is well, i guess i finally plucked up the courage to write when my eldest brother sent me Yulias comments and your retort.

As you know the journey has been both beautiful and heartwrenching at the same time! I definately understand what you trying to say but how does one dodge the bullets (so to speak) when its the people closet firing them, especially when they know what and how to say things?

You try and be centred but it keeps on coming without any respite eating at your energy! Just when you think you've made it through your given the final blow!

I would also like to ask here about the conflict about the martix & family expectations and the higher purpose! why is it when your on this path, people think you've lost the plot because you believe, have faith in a higher consciousness and then you are slaughtered for not fitting into the compartments culture and tradition have set?!

How can one be at peace in the storm at ALL TIMES... its hit and miss at the moment and i always get caught when i least expect it!

HELP...

Hi Manni,

Thanks for summoning the courage to post - I imagine you speak for many readers.

I know it is not at all easy to 'dodge the judgmental bullets' especially when they're coming at us from our nearest and dearest. In the one-on-one coaching and courses we do, we frequently encounter this kind of issue.

Walking the spiritual path is not easy. It's not about lighting the odd candle, saying prayers on Sunday or meditating from time to time. It's having the courage to make a constant conscious choice: expressing our highest truth no matter what.

As hard as that may sound, especially in the circumstances you describe, each one of us is seeded in our hearts for success. Success is a certainty if we simply keep exploring our truth, uncovering it and expressing it. A more highly evolved consciousness IS our destiny. All we really have to do is keep on confronting the lower consciousness that we know simply doesn't serve us anymore.

I believe (from personal experience and in working with many others) there are certain realisations that need to be made and then retained in our consciousness. We need to keep reminding ourselves of the following 'truths' (assuming they have already landed with you or you're in the process of making them)...

1. We are the creators of every single experience we are currently having - this includes any negativity directed at us.
2. All experience happens for one purpose: to invite you to let go of attachment to identity, to give up the need for an outcome, so that you may hold an open space and express your highest truth.
3. We are co-creating with each other ALL THE TIME even those most may not be aware of what they are creating.
4. No one can take your energy away, it is only you that gives it away.
5. There is a steady, undeniable and inevitable movement to higher levels of consciousness that mankind is being drawn by.
6. Many, perhaps most, are resisting this movement to the higher realms, but that is not going to prevent it happening.
7. We are not responsible for the self realisation of another. Each soul chooses their own path and the right to walk that path or not.
8. It is not for us to unduly influence another unless asked AT A SOUL LEVEL (which has to be felt internally). It is much more important to provide the space for another to be influenced themselves.
9. Any consciousness that can not, or will not, align with this inevitable flow, will ultimately be resolved out - it will be returned to the source and thereby dissolved (because everything is interconnected).

Firstly, I should again reiterate, these are my observations, realisations and truth. They do however come from a constant observation in every moment and a great deal of experience garnered through many incarnations. I invite everyone reading this to test those realisations on a day-by-day basis.

If we do this, I do believe it will help greatly. It invites us to become the masters of our own experience and destiny. Yes we may feel to help others, yet at the same time, it will dawn internally as to when we become attached to their unfolding because we tighten around the need for them to self-realise. That serves neither them nor us.

So the key is to keep focussing internally - ALL THE TIME. Yes we look into the outer mirror of our lives, yes we engage with the people and circumstances in it, BUT ALL THE WHILE, the key is to realise WHO YOU ARE BEING and then to ask "Does that serve me?" "How can I express an even more evolved version of me?"

If we do this, my observation is we let go of the need for a particular outcome, we expand internally, allow in more light and then become an example of truth. We become a catalyst inviting others to explore their own truth. And let me reiterate: it's not about us demonstrating to another how to be. We are each unique. If we stay in our truth, we invite others to find their own truth. I've found the process can be favourably infectious!

Finally, in the beginning, it is not possible to be a peace in the storm all the time, unless you are either denying your true expression, or you are already enlightened.

Some people do indeed write the "peace at all cost" program in their minds and then deny internally that they really are worried, frustrated, fearful or angry. This just heaps another layer on top of the old layers.

It's about being true to your feelings, honouring and expressing them, even if that comes with loaded energy, but then all the while, accepting responsibility for what we give out, asking ourselves "what would be a higher expression".

If we constantly do this, it allows us the room to 'fail' without self judgment. We begin to see how and why we react because of our internal programming. We realise we are not to blame - not to blame for our actions but definitely responsible for dealing with them.

If we're constantly watching ourselves in this way, being honest and truthful to ourselves about our motivations for action, but without getting tight and self-judging, then we will be able to find the higher truth and have a stronger chance of expressing it the next time similar circumstances present themselves.

It's kind of like joining the dots. Sometimes we're present, centred and at peace. Sometimes we loose it. However, if we allow ourselves to 'loose it', but don't beat ourselves up about it and then ask "what would be the more evolved response", we'll find we start catching ourselves when we begin to loose it. Then the fixed neural pathways in the brain begin to unwind and presence is restored.

Now, we don't need to keep recreating those circumstances because we've learned what we needed to. Our consciousness no longer keeps drawing those circumstances to us. So the 'dots of presence' keep extending until they join up into one continuous line.

I do trust this helps somewhat!

Chris

Yesterday, I had a surreal experience whilst driving and negotiating a busy main roundabout. I signalled to turn right and kept what I thought was acceptable lane discipline as I approached my chosen exit, but was suddenly assailed by cars coming from multiple directions, all oblivious to my presence and travelling at excessive speeds.

I took evasive action but didn’t know which way to turn (a useful mirror, no doubt) and ended up grinding to a halt in no mans land, accompanied by a screeching of brakes and much honking of horns, and half expected some kind of impact or collision (though it didn’t materialise), as I just let the incident reach its (natural?) conclusion.

It felt as though I was being blocked, hemmed in (literally and metaphorically), squeezed and assaulted as a means of knocking me into shape, even if a square peg in a round hole, a sensation I have been aware of for much of my life.

Other things came up too…a long standing fear of being exposed, which periodically seems to surface in dreams as I try and protect myself from physical attack (especially from the rear) by curling up in a ball and a strategic placing of my hands/arms.

Can also feel that my chakras within my body are too open and sensitive to external influences, a reminder of the aftermath of a reiki treatment quite a few years ago and a common occurrance when I am feeling lost in crowds of people (energy fields all scrambled and scattered).

Another vivid dream on the eve of (what turned out to be a short lived) new job left me choking and gasping for air, first witnessed from afar as the Seer then more consciously as it was all happening but still not fully awake. I had images of freshly landed fish suffocating and struggling to breathe in the acrid, smoky atmosphere, and the essence of life being sucked out of me, perhaps an invitation to release attachments which no longer serve.

Quite an eventful time, one way or another!

Take care,

Andy