Thanks for the blog Trin - great idea

The journey has, and continues to be, a fascinating one for me too. And yes, probably the most challenging of my life. There are times when I reflect back on my pre-awakened life as a bachelor: hours of back breaking heart pumping sport, burning the candle at both ends in business and the bone shaking rigors of the Royal Marine Commandos. Finaly I understand the point: I was being prepared for spiritual parenting!

I have two children from a previous marriage whom unfortunately I see all too infrequently. They're living quite a matrixy life style, which in itself has required a monumental degree of surrender. Watching from a distance as they get drawn deeper and deeper into conditioning, expectation and limitation. I console myself that this is meant to be and that when they are old enough to understand, they might feel drawn back to their peculiar 'monk-like' father who eats weird food (fruit and vegetables!), drags us on long hikes in the country and doesn't have a TV.

But this is easy compared to working with my 'third child' - Trinity's son - where I'm continually confronted day in day out with the conflicting pulls of society and spirituality. Initially I considered the reason I was in his life was to 'teach him the way'. My feelings seemed supported in that every sport he was drawn to was something I'd previously either excelled at or had coached to various degrees - I'd even taught them in school.

How wrong one can be! At every step of the 'teaching journey' there was instant resistance. Even though I could blatantly see how my advice could really help him 'do things better', it seemed he was totally impervious to my help. It was an extremely challenging and testing experience.

Then, with quite a bit of help from the universe, I realised something very deep and important: that he was emulating me, just not in the way I expected. He'd observed that I always question, that I like to be coached by experience not taught by it. At an etheric level, he got the importance of walking your own path and learning from it.

So yes, he is excited and enthralled by the Matrix. He loves the electronic gadgets, Lady Gaga and Arsenal football club. The virtual reality of computer games is infinitely more appealing than a walk in the country and no, he "won't be told a thing by anyone"

How challenging is that? And yet I see the wonderful paradox. We loosen the guiding lines and he dives headlong into his own self learning experience. Yes he will get drawn into the drama, but then so was I, and it was by far the best way to learn and wake up. I find myself tenderly consoled by the words of a favourite song... "you gotta go there to come back"!

So I 'stand on the sidelines', watch patiently and bite my lip (as much as possible). I'm learning to coach rather than teach "how might you do that better?", "does it really serve you to get angry and uncooperative?" "why do you feel so tired this morning?"

I watch someone who is seemingly totally resistant to "my spiritual ways". Someone who considers watching paint dry infinitely more stimulating than meditation, and "being at one with the universe" is something best discovered in the latest Harry Potter movie. And who am I to say which is his best way? Maybe young Harry has more answers than do I!

And through it all, even though his words are resistant to the path, I see the strengthening glimmer of light. I see him falling, but then asking himself "what would be the better way?" "How am I shaping the outer world by what I'm being?" Profound stuff for an eleven year old! Maybe then, there's much more to walking the spiritual path than meditation? Maybe football on a Saturday and "Clash of the Titans" at the movies can get us there too? The jury is out, but I can see the non-judgmental, universally discerning hand of benevolence still prevalent in his life.

Yes indeed, there is a way for each of us - thank Zeus!

Chris

Trinity, I love your blog. I am sure it will provide inspiration and support for many others.
As a parent of a grown up son (aged 30 - amazing), I feel it has been the greatest gift and privilege for me to have been the person he chose as Mum. We have an incredibly close relationship and being his Mum, my major learning has been to understand and experience unconditional love - given and received. I watch in awe as he follows his path, just being on the sidelines, loving him from my heart, willing him to be and do his best,just the way I did when he was a youngster playing football.
He is working in the corporate world, some of the time lecturing MBA students on how to connect using the wonders of the worldwide web, becoming a subject-matter expert, recognised for the great gift he has in connecting people and information. He has already asked questions of the Universe and of himself, that I did not even think to ask until I was nearly 40. It is exciting, nail-biting, heart-stoppingly wonder-full, and I look forward to many more years of being with him, watching his unfolding.
Diane xx

Thank you Trinity for starting this blog, I'm sure the challenges and rewards of spiritual parenting is close to many peoples hearts here!

As you know I'm only at the beginning of this wonderful parenting journey, which I feel blessed to be experiencing. Already, only 7 months in, my son has brought to light SO much about myself, so many opportunities to choose my higher expression, and also highlighted how often the 'norm' that society as a whole conforms to is often based on fear.

Since my pregnancy I've found it necessary to question everything presented to me, and explore whether it is right for me or is a conditioned norm that we have been taught to accept. I discovered how much conditioning and fear surrounds birth in our western culture and how this creates a 'negative' feedback loop, and leads to difficult, long and painful births. By questioning this and releasing my fear and attachment to medical protocols, I could allow to arise a fulfilling, natural and gentle birth for my son.

This has continued with the barrage of procedures I've waded through since his birth. Vitamin K, vaccinations, weaning, the consumerism of baby world (what do we actually 'need'?), and the assumptions made by family and society that you will conform to the norm, without questioning it! I'm not saying anything is right or wrong - but I've found that once I've questioned why we do things, I often find a conditioned response based in fear at the root of it. I've tried to engage with this and release any conditioning, and then see what feels right in my heart.

This even applies to language we use, me and my partner have found we automatically sometimes say to my son 'Good boy' and we're both consciously trying to notice when we say this because it's a completely conditioned response!!! I don't think a 7 month old can be Good or Bad!!! He just is!!! So now we try and say, "You've been very Tobi today!!!" hee hee

Well we're off for an awe inspiring walk to explore the snow!!! How exciting!!

I look forward to more from you all on this thread!

Warm smiles
Elly xx

A heart felt Thank-you for those amazing refelections of light and thought Trinity and Chris on the biggest challenge that WE choose for, and not something we can do a runner with. NO!!! No more running for me, my son has stopped me from RUNNING.Fullstop. I can once rememeber feeling chained when my son was achild and completely dependent upon me for his milk, and how that was something I really struggled with at first. Apart of my freedom, that I was bored with, gone...... He has made me, face myself, all my weaknesses and places of stuckness and fears and most of all my BOUNDERIES. Not just with my son , but with all human beings! How far do we let people in, how far must we get them right out?? For the greatest good to nurture,respect and honour our own soul as a being of light and show what is divinely ''right action''. When we allow ourselves to be wronged by others through their ego, we allow it to the light, and children are so intuitive that they pick up all our thought waves before they have even been realised!!!
Children all too well pick up on our weaknesses and places where we have to GROW,CHANGE and boy do they PLAY IT!!!!BOy do they joke on it!! A perfect example of the world, and the world they grow up into, which is not often compassionate at all, quite the oppositite . They actually seem to demand a parent who is STRONG, HAS SELFLOVE,SELF RESPECT and who is always FAIR. It seems to me, and they don't actually always want their own way. They demand BOUNDERIES , to feel SAFE. They demand us to GROW UP into the men and women we are in the fullness of light. There is I have come to learn no longer a place for weakness or retinence or not trusting my self enough, for me, its no longer an option! IT is indeed as TRinity says ''a valuable gift of our own spiritual unfolding journey, that we must be fine tuned to and find an absolutely authentic and divinely given expression, acting as the soul guides''.

Many people I think have a fear of failing in some way as a parent which can cause all sorts of problems in friendships etc, as we all strive to do our very best in both secular and spiritual backgrounds.If a person has been raised in a dysfunctional family , there can often be a greater fear of failing I often feel, as learning can become a matter of instinct, rather than grounded knowledge. As we rear our children,I find we face our own childhood in every moment, and all the painful elements of it and often can find ourselves doing the complete opposite or sometimes anger with ourselves for hearing the echoes of voices from the past. So often I see this .

I resonate with EVERY word that Chris and Trinity are speaking, on how the breaks are slammed on to sharing the utopic realms of oneness and unity, in a society in which is NOT functioning in this way... The difficulty on how to maintain a pure soul and teach spiritual values in an ever changing, challenging world of materialism, targets to achieve self esteem and surpression really of who we truly are. How is it possible to maintain, nurture and show by example the good qualities in a world which appears to sabotage all our hard work and commitment?. And does mainsteam eduction really work with us as parents, as its dogma states to be ''co-workers '', with parents! Teachers are so stressed and busy that they do not often have the time to really develop each individual in a personalised manner.Its about ''personalised learning'', targets, a tick off the list,regardless of how a child may have come into school that day or have had to maybe cope with at home.I think if more teachers were trained to nurture the spirtual, we would have a different system. Maybe it will get there??? Maybe its the utopic vision fantasy I have???
Yet I can see so many good things happening synchronsistically in mainstream education at the same time. AS secular society provides situations which do seem divinly inspired.We hand our children over to the systems daily, unless we home educate, of which then can be challenged as children grow.
Something is telling me though, that no matter which road, the journey is equal, and that it is about the soul finding themselves.In this way I feel less angry about the systems and the flaws in it and feel it's okay I can relax. The fantasy of a utopic vision has been shattered and NOW I see yes, the BLESSINGS!!!! (Thankx Chris and Trinity for helping me to see all this, I thought I would never get there, and stay in this place of stuckness and NON SURRENDER!!!) Something is happening to me.Wow!! Liberation!

I have got this very robotic, mechanical feeling from the reality of the which I experiencein schools but nothing of which I now feel I can not accept now. I saw these effects in my son at first , where I felt eveything was not supported, and he even seemed a little mechanical at times, I could feel an energy flowing through him, that scared me, the influence of a soulless society, anumber and not a name and I was wondering why is this so, when I nurture him, in beautiful mantras, art, creativity,, nature and yet still the society has equally a same input/influence but now alas! My son is finding his feet as I am mine!! And like what Trinity says about believing all she had to do was ''live the way she felt in her heart and all would flow'', is also now a naivity of which I am having to move on from and become more actively involved, armour n' all!!(lol). The task to keep our soul in a mechanical universe without being distracted is a mighty one and requires yes hard work, a warrier type of spirit and commitment to what we know is authentically RIGHT!

I think Chris hit the nail on the head when he used the word ''coaching'' ,rather than teaching, and Trinity by using ''éxample'', to support a child's growth . The rest I have come to realise is their karmic path to explore and find themselves, in alignment with their cord with Source.Perhaps at this point I am learning to take a responsible attached distance in love to allow my child to find himself, and its tough!!! WE are in this I feel co-parenting with and through source and honouring the inner life of the child. Listening to them , guiding them, helping them to have a basic TRUST in life which is I think ,the FOUNDATION, of which their whole life will spring from. Helping them to love themselves,listen to them deeply and become their own best friend......
What I a seeing at present in my son is something which is opening my heart and giving me faith. My son who is 6, very gentle, kind hearted,and doesn't like to hurt other children even when they hurt him, and yes its sometimes aweful to hear how good he actually is and how much compassion he actually feels even when he is wronged !! What I am now finding is that now I am putting up my bounderies up, he also seems to putting up his bounderies with friends who no longer serve him at school and try to knock him down, make him less than who he is and impede his development. He is finding himself, his strength,he is learning to fight in a right way which honours his own soul journey whilst still keeping those beautiful qualities in the right places with the right people in quite a clever way..He is learning SURVIVAL as RIGHT ACTION! He is a perfect mirror and example for me too.. To establish my bounderies with people and respect, protect what is mine as opposed to what sadly people may TAKE given opportunity to do so!!! . WE guide them and have our duties to PROTECT them,yet they are also beautiful teachers., that tecah us to LOVE ourselves,in their thanks that we put them first.. Wow. Blessings........!!!!!!

And blessings of which surrendering to each moment some how must learn to have the faith to let them go,a little without clinging and free them as autonmous beings in the universe to create their own path and learn from their mistakes.. whilst guiding them appropraitly through benevolent guidance. What a divinely given responsibility to teach them how to be responsible themselves.

It also seems boys will be boys who are drawn to the destructive elements in all the well know TV programmes such as BEN 10, Kevin 11, Batman, Star Wars , play station games etc and there seems no getting away from all this really, no matter how much we try to discourage .Perfect example are on the school playground where children can be observed and discouraged to playfight . And what messages are depicted in these programmes i.e in Ben 10 episodes teach children that the good guys have to become the bad guys in order to conquer the bad guys but really they are good guys!! So is it okay ? What messages are children getting? Star wars and dark vader is a prime example of the darker forces in life and how mankind falls. And children are inquisitive, and they do seek to understand all the philosophy behind, at least my son does.Even the well known beautiful movies of The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter have some destsructive elements in them... .
. It is interesting in schools that children are not allowed to make anything which resembles a gun. And there are psychological questions as to whether surpressing this creativity of trying to understand what they hear/see from TV can also be detrimental to their growth. Play Therapy encourages children to express what they do not understand..... Interesting.

It does seem that WE MOVE TOGETHER, bot parent and child>. WE GROW UP TOGETHER. As we are their guides to provide stability,safety and love, they also seem to be our guides and we ascend the other... I think it is always beautiful how the child picks the parent. When my son was just a few months old, I use to get scared when I saw him in the morning as he was a soul, separate from me, who I had to get used to.... Now he sometimes seems like my other leg or arm, that I have this huge responsibilty to help him survive whats out there. I am also wondering at what point does the etheric bond snap? I am inclined to believe it is a gradual process.

I am also thinking about how we use reward to motivate and if they do actually work, I am inclined to think yes but only to get the rewards!!!!

I guess its about inner resosurces and energy. Throw the TV away ? No more rewards. Difficult unless other members all work together.

What a job! Sainthood ????? Where is my halo?!!! I am sure my son will be the first to kick it off and with great blessing, put it back on in their momments of gratitude and appreciation. NO more running, so I may aswell enjoy the bumpy ride!!! The freedom to move with my child is now coming back, as I feel I ma learning to be more complete, and at 35 yr, grow up!!
Thanks Triunity/ Chris for bringing light to this discussion and for helping me to see how Source is working in my life and how things are moving. And where I go from here.

Love and Light Blessings
Teresa..

Diane,
How blessed your son is too, to have such an openhearted angel for a Mum. Thank you for sharing!
Trinity
x

Teresa,

Thank you for such an open and heartful sharing Teresa. I am sure that your Halo is in the making
Each phase of a child's life offers a new plethora of challenges along with gifts of the most inspiring kind. You can rest knowing that you are certainly not alone.

You wrote: "I am also wondering at what point does the etheric bond snap? I am inclined to believe it is a gradual process."

I feel that as long as the spiritual connection is meant to be there, it will. For me parenting has been a continual practice of letting go as he calls for greater and greater independence. To me this isn't related to severing our spiritual connection with them 'though. Union between two souls transcends the limtiations of any circumstance and no two situations are alike. It's more about holding the space, acting as we are divinely given to, whilst they explore the world and find their own purpose within it; trusting. Diane offers a heartwarming example of the continued connectedness between mother and son.

Teresa wrote: "I think if more teachers were trained to nurture the spirtual, we would have a different system. Maybe it will get there??? Maybe its the utopic vision fantasy I have???"

I can understand why you feel this way. To me the issues within society go way deeper. Society is configured to keep us locked in the illusion of seperateness... Unless we deal with the root cause, then I imagine it wouldn't get us very far. But we can, start with our selves.

With Love
Trinity

Your post is bringing back many memories for me Elly. I questioned the exact same things and like you, decided to follow my heart rathering than the conditioning. It put me right out on a limb in those early days. Not only was I going completely against the grain, there was nobody around me to support my choices. I yearned for a home birth - yet I knew noone who would support that then.

From the onset of pregnancy, I was bombarded with interfering advice about what I should and shouldn't do. The first thing was to have an ultra-sonic scan. I opted not to after feeling that ultra sound is best suited for submarine radar detection! I'd done research on the subject and could see no logical reason why I would have a scan. I felt bombarded with fearful propaganda. Yet my heart told me that everything was well and to trust my internal radar. So I did. It was a powerful lesson for me in trust despite what society would have me believe.

Because I was a vegan - I got the whole onslaught of 'not getting enough of this, that or the other nutrients'. The truth is that I had a very healthy diet and a seamless, problem free pregnancy (I also went on to have the quickest birth the hosital had seen). I had my nutrient levels checked (I really did this to shut up my nagging husband at the time) - they came through as exceptional - in fact the doctor was stunned and said that it was by far the best he'd seen.

The amusing thing is that after the birth, I was told that I spoilt my baby by loving him too much, that I should let him cry, feed him bottled milk etc etc. I was highly fascinated that people kept asking if he was a 'good baby'. What is a 'good' baby anyway? Was he naughty because he splashed in the puddles as soon as he could walk? Or was he just exploring the world? Was he bad because he cried when he felt afraid of something in the world? Or was he just honouring his instincts? Do we need to toughen our kids up? Or do we need to offer them a safe space of unconditional Love and encouragement, so that they can step out confidently and independently as and when they are ready?

x

I feel inspired by your honest and open sharing about your parenting experiences Chris. Thank you for the insightful yet entertaining post . Parenting is such a profound invitation to find and express ever deeper facets of beingness.

Keep shining

Well, I'll do the theoretical part
When I'll be a mom..!!!

Kidding...

I just had a couple of things to say, my observations around and a personal experience as a child.

1. I think that the distorted part begins already with how people bring children - another "has to be done" in the list, or something like "I want children", like I want chocolate, I want a new house, etc. I can't understand it.

Bringing children for me is like a greatest expression of love and respect for life, the loudest words of gratefulness for living, it's something so great and miraculous, that I simply can't do it this way, or perceive it in the way, people expect me to. I feel it's also something to 'deserve', I mean, it's a gift from nature, to be able to create life, or to let life be created within physical body. I can't take this gift without some kind of 'internal' promise - to let this life live, and to move my ego away and let the nature do the job, through me.

This is how I feel. I feel the deepest responsibility behind.

2. Then later, all the possesiveness, the coersion, all that MY child thing, trying to protect him from all "the evil" around by locking, blocking and imprisoning, or doing the same to force him to do what the parents want. I even won't go further. Each time I see a newborn child, I experience joy and sadness at the same time. The joy because of the miracle of life creation, and deepest sadness because what I see is done to this miracle from day 1 of his life.

The exposure to all the noises, smells, food (through mother's milk), then to all this "good boy/bad boy" manipulation thing that was mentioned here (by the way "very Tobi" - funny!! ), then programming with values, and the 'market bargaining' - if you do that, then you'll get that, the punishments, which are just not worse than the encouragement.

(I remember myself going up to the roof wanting to kill myself, because my mom was in a bad mood, and told me everything she thinks about me, i.e. how evil and no tobi child I am)

But the worst is the internal - they are all wrapped with empiness, suffering and unhappiness, compensated with small pleasures. And they are probably not being loved, at least the way they should be. Instead, they are abused with mother's self-love through a child fever, with egoistic exploitation and enslavement from the first day they are born. Forced into values, beleifs and all kinds of stimuli the parents are addicted themselves to.

My heart is breaking :'(

3. But here I can't not admit, that I might miss something. Isn't that because of all the horror, emptiness and suffering that I found my way to the greatest treasures of life? Maybe it's this way not for nothing?

4. About technology and consumerism. Though I agree that to us, people from the n-1 generation all this looks crazy, but I take into consideration, that things don't happen for nothing, again. For example, what was ok for us, was totally inappropriated 2 generations earlier. I believe that the system adopts itself according to the "souls'" demand.

Maybe now it's time to turn the horses to some other direction. But I don't think it will be turning them back. I don't beleive this is what all the process was for. Denying technology,that makes our everyday life so much easier, and lets us spend the time to other things, is going back.

For example, I remember my childhood. My mom was so busy with cooking, washing, hunting for food, sewing holes in our clothes, etc etc. We barely saw her, and when we did, she was exhausted to death, she had no time and energy for us.

Many of us forgot how it is when there is no technology at all. How did I get to read about other things, but what I was taught, if not through TV and internet. Where would I be now?

So I don't think the problem is with technology. Also it's the fact, that when side effects and problems became known,
tgere is a huge effort to change it and adapt everything to be more natural, less poluting, etc.

It's all about the way you use it, and about the accents. So I say, hard as it may be to believe, it's the education, the teachers and the parents, who are to 'blame', if there's someone or something to blame at all.

They worked hard, and suffered, they wanted a better life for their children, they just went wrong about what happiness is. Then it just spread like some kind of disease.

Note, that many people from n-3 generation, really and truly feel that our lives are great, and that we are ungrateful! They didn't have radio, TV, etc etc. They had to work so hard to survive! Why should we be unhappy?

And now - the bitter end of efforts of many generations - a small misunderstanding multiplied itself and has grown to a monster.

This is how I think things most likely happened. I can't say it was deterministic process or not, but the mechanism is pretty clear - donkey running away from the stick or chasing after the carrot.

5. But!! GOOD NEWS! If it's so, then it's 'reversible'. It's up to us now, we saw where the humanity searches for happiness brought us to, when the search is external. Well, we can see that it's time to switch direction. Many are looking for an alternative ways, trying this and that.

Here I agree with everything Trin says:

1. Example IS maybe the most important. For example, when I look at myself - everything my mom said, but she didn't do it this way - where is it now? Not important. But, not only I found myself later behaving and thinking like her, but the most crazy thing is that I FELT like her in similar situations.

I also always see how children copy the adults, especially the parents - intonations, mimics.. You can say whatever you want, but after all, what matters is what they see, hear and the most important - FEEL from you.

2. Like with anything else, I think that is why if parent wants his child to be happy, then he himself should be happy, and not working hard and suffering to make his child's life better, like many do. And that is why children can be a very great motive and encouragement to walk the path and fight all the demons on the way with maybe a greater courage.

I feel, that even though I don't have children, but maybe there is a possibility I once may be, the responsibility authomatically arises in me, and I feel really pushed forward. So I can only imagine how strong it is when you already have them.

So maybe with parenthood things sound easy - look for your own happiness, respect the child's autonomy and freedom, and listen to the higher guidance, like with everything else. ( I'm sure, it's terribly hard )

Much more worrying are the perspectives of changing the educational system, externally targeted. There, in schools, while interacting with other children , who come from still "contaminated" education, there, where teachers teach who knows what and how, there they will get an antidote to all the hard work you do at home.

How are you dealing with it, people?

And the last one:

I admit here, I still don't want to have children. I mean, I don't have any pull, hint or even an idea to do it.

Some of the people who know me, think this is because of my tough childhood, but I think there are other forces ruling things here Why didn't it stop my sister, for example?

I used to have some kind of anxiety about it. I'll turn 30 next year!! Mammmmmaa.. and I still don't... Not to remind the pressure all around - "how about children? When are you going to have children?" - as if there's no other option, like not to have children at all.

Now I feel ok with the option I won't, if I will not be guided to do it.

BUT, strangely, I do feel scared by the option to have them. And that lights red light for me. Like: NOT NOW!!

Well, the truth is that this subject is very important!!!
And I thought and still think a great deal about it.

Just a small question to finish with: why is that people want to HAVE children, to say MY child, take care of THEIR child?

For example, I have neice, and I don't feel anything, nothing. There is a child, and I wish her best, but..ok, a child. But my friend's children - I feel I really love them, I care, and it's like some kind of click. Why is that so?

And why can't people love other children just the way they love theirs? Is there something egoistic about it? Or this is something else? Some kind of an unspoken law to better protect the 'specie'?

P.s.: Chris, you are hilarious, I laughed all the time I was reading it

Yulia wrote:"Much more worrying are the perspectives of changing the educational system, externally targeted. There, in schools, while interacting with other children , who come from still "contaminated" education, there, where teachers teach who knows what and how, there they will get an antidote to all the hard work you do at home.
How are you dealing with it, people?"

Very tricky one! I can only speak from personal experience. Society is not generally configured to offer people alternative options. If you do break away from the system you more than likely have to blaze the trail, lighting the way for others. And that takes inordinate amounts of commitment. There is no manual out there, just lots of people trying to figure it out the hard way. Getting the balance right isn't easy.

There is a fine art to feeling what is right for each individual child as well as each parent (or guardian). I can't say that I always get it right. Far from it. I am reliant on the guidance of my soul and my ability to listen intently to my heart. My soul is the manual! It's like there is a new emerging consciousness and we having to redefine what parenting is all about. In the early days of parenting I resisted anything conventional checking in with my heart every step of the way.

I asked many times why vital skills were not being passed down from generation to generation!

The lastest generations are different. It's as if human consiousness is emerging with new parameters. If I ask anyone who has worked with children over a significant period of time, they all say that children are different now. There are so many variables; new technologies, food, environmental influences and distractions. It is hard to say which came first. It's as if there is a new 'technological intelligence' emerging. How on earth my 11 year old son is so prolific at finding his way round a computer I will never know It is like he is preconfigured for it!

I home schooled my son until he was nine years old - and then sent him to school. It was a REALLY tough choice to make but felt at a soul level he was requesting that. He fared very well to be honest. It was a small village school with a beautiful ethos, nurturing the needs of the individual. There were of course the rules, regulations and less desirable influences. But he seemed to find the space to be himself. The teaching staff were wonderful. In building a bridge between the two worlds, it seemed like a worthwhile experience.

He then wanted to go to secondary school. A whole new world! Now, after three short month's it is clear that it is not serving him at all. He's lost in a swirling torrent of students, unheard, unnoticed, unable to align with the demands and expectations of teachers and peers.

But in the same breath, I feel that it has been an invaluable learning experience for him. I don't mean learning in the sense of how to write essays, copy from a board or do maths. It's about learning how conditioned the conventional world is and where (and if) he feels he fits into that. It about learning how the system can stiffle his creativity, whilst it expects round pegs to fit into square holes. It really beg the questions 'who am I in all of this'. It's evoked many deep conversations how he doesn't understand why they do it that way; why he doesn't get a better grade in religion and philosophy when he has so much invaluable insight to offer; how he's so uninspired that doesn't actually learn anything; why 'friends' are mean to one minute and then friendly the next; why the teachers are so stressed and grumpy; what is a 'friend'; what really does inspires him and how it would best serve him to learn.

So how do I deal with that? First of all I listen. Listening is the most important thing. Not just to his words but to his energy and his soul. It's not always about finding solutions to his problems. By offering an uncondtional space to share he finds a clearer perspective all by himself. We then explore together. I am not teaching, telling or trying to change his mind - I am simply holding the space. I offer guidance and support as appropriate depending on what the moment is inviting. If he is unhappy (which has been frequent during these past three months in secondary school) I don't try to take away his pain. I try to help him find the Light within, exploring his true self and what the moment is showing him.

It is clear that school is not working for him now. So after three months we can look at all we have learnt from the experience and embark on a journey that does serve his purpose here. He's asked to be home schooled. After much consideration and sensitivity we're now taking him out of school to "unschool"! He is empowered to make that choice. And as his guardian I embrace it.

Yulia wrote: "Just a small question to finish with: why is that people want to HAVE children, to say MY child, take care of THEIR child?"

I really do understand this question. I can only share my own experience. I am sure it differs with others...

On a soul level, we are all connected. Personally I don't feel like I own my child but I do have responsibility for him whilst he is dependent and finding his way in the world. I respect his autonomy. He is a unique an indivual being (as are we all). Yet at some level, he chose me. Even at 11 years old, there are often times when noone else in the world will do other than Mum! He is 'my' child - just like Chris is 'my' husband. I don't own either of them but I have a relationship with both of them closer than anyone in this world. Does that make them mine? Well, it means we are connected in a way that others are not. It is not possessive though. It is respecting each other as a unique and boundless soul.

Yulia wrote: "For example, I have neice, and I don't feel anything, nothing. There is a child, and I wish her best, but..ok, a child. But my friend's children - I feel I really love them, I care, and it's like some kind of click. Why is that so?"

It's all about soul resonance and what we are divinely given to do. I feel exactly the same with people in general. I either click or I don't. My energy goes where my soul directs me. It's that simple.

Yulia wrote: "And why can't people love other children just the way they love theirs? Is there something egoistic about it? Or this is something else? Some kind of an unspoken law to better protect the 'specie'?"

This is something you can only know as a parent after giving birth to your own child. I found instinct invaluable when noone supported my choices as a new mother.

I know that people adopt children and love them just like ones from their own blood. I know that people DO love other children as their own. I guess it all depends on openess of heart and alignment with our inherrent spiritual nature.

The house is untidy from window to door,
Marks on the walls and food on the floor.

The washing's unwashed
and the dishes are too,
There's scum in the bathroom
And fat on the stew.

There are toys in the passage
And under our feet;
The garden's a jungle
When seen from the street.

So what have I done, then
To earn my repose?
To just look around me
You'd say no-one knows!

I've held a small hand
As her first steps she took.

I've made animal noises
As we read a book.

I've built a mud pie
And admired a snail,

I've rescued the cat
From a grip on her tail.

I've wiped away tears,
And I've listened to tales.

I've used mediation
To get smiles from wails.

So I guess what I've done
Isn't easy to see -
It won't clean the house
And it won't cook the tea.

But if I have helped make a child feel good,
know that she's loved and that she's understood,
then I know that my work, though not easy to see,
is just as important as any could be.

Author unknown

Hi Trin, thanks for answering

It sounds tough. School can be a very torturing experience. It was for me.

It's great your son has someone to talk to about his troubles, and is allowed the freedom to choose and try different things.

Even though my mama was not too flexible, but even the fact that we could talk, and ask her questions, tell her everything, already had its effect. Many don't have this privilege to talk to their parents as if they are their friends.

Well, I'm much more optimistic after your post - there ARE other options

With love,
Yulia

So when my child "pushes my buttons, exhibits challenging/defiant behaviour or tests my patience" - what do I do?

Well first of all, it's a matter of perspective. A child could have exactly the same behaviour, yet one person may find it irritating, another would find it funny, another might not even bat an eyelid.

What we notice in the outside world is a reflection of our inner state of beingness. We notice (and are potentially influenced/affected by) different things depending on this internal state.

This is why, if I feel unduly stressed, I immediately realise that it is first myself who has to change and let go of something within.

So, when I feel irritated or tense I look within and ask 'what is this situation activating within me?', 'what is it that I need to look at?', 'what am I ready to let go of?'.

It's about taking full responsibility for our own feelings; not projecting them into the outside world. The invitation is to approach the situation from a place of centredness and inner peace.

There is a fine balance to be found here. It may well also be that a child is acting 'unruly' or disrespectfully and in need of guidance. If we come from a place of non-judgement and internal harmony then we find that the right action and communication arises naturally. So instead of lashing words outwards, we communicate from a place of balance. Words are only a fraction of our communication. We convey a message that speaks far louder than words.

The situation will change accordingly. I have seen the difference many times. Without exception I have noticed that the outcome always depends on my internal state of beingness. If I change my energy positively, I notice how it permeates outwards inspiring positive change in my son too.

Even for the most patient amongst us this can be very challenging, esepcially when facing an enslaught of projectional behaviour that ignite our own blockages and karma. Believe me - I know! Remember that, as you unravel your own limitations, it is all a gift of evolution for both of you. It takes time, practice and the patience of a saint...

Remember that secret is to attune to the Light that is inherently within you (and know that it is ALWAYS there, no matter what) in order that others find the same within themselves.

With Love
Trinity

One of the most fascinating things I've observed within the 'Indigos', is that they can be processing karma at a very young age and so potentially harshly chastised for unruly or unsociable behaviour.

When I was a child, there were some pretty strict 'codes of conduct', "thou shalt do this, thou shalt not do that!". 'Speaking back to one's elders' was frowned upon, any slight sense of disrespect squashed instantly and as for bad language, if ever I used any, it had the same effect as lighting the blue touch paper on a firework - plenty of loud explosions and blue air!

But what if a child is unleashing karma? What if there's simply so much disharmonious energy inside, they just have to let it out? Should we prevent them doing that? Or would it be more beneficial to them and us to actively ENCOURAGE them to speak out, even if that means the air turning blue with profanity!

In the work we do here at Openhand, it's a key tenet of our approach to accept people exactly where they are at. We believe that ALL expression comes from an authentic core, but which then gets distorted to a greater or lesser degree as it is channeled through the bodymind. Working through the distortions is a good thing yes, but dissolving the truth at the core of the distortion is counterproductive to our evolutionary growth and the fulfillment of our destiny. It's akin to 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater'. And if we try to bottle up those emotions, which can be easily done in a young child if we squash their freedom of expression, then all we're really doing is filling the powder keg with more gun powder - and at some point, it's simply going to explode, and very likely bringing us down with it.

So what I've found is, that if the children in my life get angry, frustrated, aggressive, disrespectful and 'blue-tongued', then to watch for the potential for this to be emanating from a karmic past life experience. It's not hard to spot really: they get very easily wound up by the seemingly trivialist of things, they see the reality of the moment through a very blinkered one-sided veil, and they tend to lose all sense of proportion within their external response.

If I spot this happening, then my approach is to give them a vehicle to express their feelings more strongly. I actively encourage them to share... "so tell me, how does that feel exactly?" "What do you feel to do now to let it out?" I'm clear not to respond to bad language - in other words not to get tight about it internally - even when the profanity is directed at and disrespecting me! Yes I may address it after the tornado has blown itself out (an appropriate contribution to the swear box seems to do the trick!), but I don't stand in the way of the tornado while it's blowing!

Alternatively I've given one of my children a punch bag and boxing gloves - that works a treat too!

What I've invariably discovered is that when I take this approach, the storm might get very thundery for a short period of time, but it always tends to unwind itself quickly. And afterwards, it's just as if nothing had happened. The kids are now calm, respectful and cooperative - and not a little chastised by the depletion of hard earned pocket money. Yes indeed, the universe still has consequences. But consequences are best delivered in calmness, and when they are self realised by the child.

Punishment never seems to achieve anything - but Right Action always leads to evolutionary fulfillment. Kids need to process karma and above all, they need a safe and protective environment in which to do it. And if they can't do that with us, then where else?

Chris

We often say here at Openhand that our children are our greatest gurus. When I say that on courses, there tends to be one of two responses from the audience: either a deep knowing smile... "yes been there, done that, wearing the tee-shirt and the wrinkles" or there's a kind of wry smile from the 'not-quite-believers' - those who've not had kids and think some loin-cloth-wearing-mystic is sure to provide a much faster path to enlightenment... "he's just kidding isn't he? He's just saying that to motivate the 'pads' (family-men for the uninitiated!)".

But I am absolutely serious. In my earlier days, I've sat with Swamis from India, Shamans in North America and Chi-gung experts from the far east, and yes I've learned a lot, but it was just the tip of the Ice-berg in comparison to what I'm learning now, courtesy of the young 'Indigos'.

Above all else, I'm learning how to coach not teach, to facilitate not direct, to inspire not infuse. It's not about 'schooling' its about 'de-schooling'. It's about stripping away all of the dogmas and preconditioning. It's about trust - trust like I've never explored it before. You watch them making 'mistakes' (even the very word is a judgment), you accompany them happily down darkened blind alley ways, you watch their anger, tightness, frustration and pain. You're in the hole with them and all you can do is feel it. Not for them, but WITH them. I'm rapidly discovering that's what they really need.

I remember taking our eleven year old for swimming 'lessons'. He'd not been doing too well at school (according to his teachers) and since I'd swam for my county as a child, he'd asked me if I could help.

Firstly I asked him what he wanted to achieve? To go faster was his reply. "And what had they been telling you at school?" I asked. "That I should do it this way and that way" he sadly and unenthusiastically replied. There was clearly a swimming formula to which the teachers had been following. But if I knew one thing, I knew that trying to pigeon hole my son into a box was simply not going to get anywhere. Just like so many Indigos, they will resist anything that tries to squash the genie back into the bottle.

So I asked him simply to swim as best he could with as much attention in his feelings as possible; then to pay attention to what he noticed most. He noticed how his body moved from side to side as he kicked his feet. "And how does that feel to you?" I asked. "Well it feels kind of natural" he replied "but my teachers say my body should be straight". So I got him to swim with a float, just kicking his legs, keeping his body straight whilst I swam along side. Then I got him to do the same again only exploring his natural feelings with his body moving. The result was, he went much faster HIS way than THEIR way.

Now I could hear the traditional swimming coach in me saying "well you might be going faster now, but if you do it the tried and tested way, you're sure to go faster in the future". But something stopped me. What if this is not about my young Indigo becoming the next Mark Spitz? What if he's not meant to win back-to-back gold medals at the next Olympics? What if this is really all about just getting him to connect with the true feelings of HIS body?

He'd been conditioned to WANT to go faster, to do it 'better', but by whose judgment of 'better'? Maybe his soul was simply calling out to express in whatever vehicle presented itself? As I watched him swim, I couldn't help thinking "he looks just like a dolphin!" And so something absolutely profound and vital clicked for me:

"Each has his own way. Even a child can feel what's best for them if encouraged to.
It's when we constrain authentic expression in "should be", "could be" and "wanna be",
that the long departure from true soul expression accelerates downhill.
Every moment presents a vehicle through which to express the soul.
Who are we to say what should be for another?"

And this is the key 'problem' and a corresponding golden opportunity in facilitating kids. In my childhood, there was always a 'right' and a 'wrong' way of doing things. We wanted to achieve this, win that, score the winning goal, land that prized job. But to truly 'play the soul's magic flute', is in recognising life is not about goals, except perhaps one...

"to find the grandest expression of our soul in every moment,
in whatever vehicle of circumstance the universe presents"

Now this is a game we can ALWAYS win - when we engage in it of course! And so here is the profound opportunity with kids and adults alike: to facilitate them in what feels good and right for THEM... "how can you do that in a way that feels even better?", "what can you do to make it more rhythmic", "how can you do it with more energy but less effort?" And then afterwards... "now how do you feel about yourself?"

This is how I live now and what we encourage within the Openhand work, so why not facilitate a similar approach with our children? Why not find how THEY feel to be and TRUST that actually, they might know themselves better than we do?

Of course kids still need a coach to push the envelope on their boundaries, so it doesn't just become about choosing the soft option. But here's the key, it must be THEIR boundaries that we help them expand not OURS.

So I've found this coaching approach rather than teaching is a priceless way to connect with our kids, make them feel good about themselves and get the best from them... THEIR best!

Chris

And I couldn't resist it - here's a piece of music that helped me begin to see a deeper truth when I was younger...

Chris

Brilliant sharing Chris.

For me it is all about empowering children to find whatever is at the depths of their soul. It feels as if I am holding the space, offering guidance where it is called for, yet helping them to find what is already in there.

I work on the principle that people (no matter how young) innately and intuitively know what is best for them. My job is to help another find their own truth, to discover what stirs their soul and allow their own authentic beingness to be realised.

When we offer others the space to be themselves it is amazing what emerges. It's breathtaking to see a soul shine forth when it finds itself.

Trinity
x

Hi,

Thank you Chris and Trinity for inspiring posts. I resonate deeply with them, great video too. Trinity, it has been wonderful to observe what you share in your post, being practically applied with your "home" or "de-schooling" over the past couple of days, it has been really inspiring for me to witness.

I worked in education for quite a number of years, however it feels like now is the time, that I'm being taken to a much deeper level of appreciation regarding what education is really all about (or should be). I began my teaching career in primary education, though struggled with mainstream teaching, the curriculum and systems. I gradually found myself moving towards special education, initally doing one to one support work, where I quickly found that enhancing the child/young person's self esteem and self worth was the most valuable thing I could do. This felt like the most valuable gift I could offer them.

Many of these young people had obviously been crushed by the system, I can see how a little encouragement and freedom to explore what inspired them, an opportunity for them to express, was much more beneficial than sitting (being squashed) in a classroom, where they struggled to understand alot of what was being taught. Many seemed to be on a downward spiral of "feeling bad about themselves". I would also like to acknowledge the wonderful job that most teachers do, they aren't at fault, they are just caught in the system, as I was too. I could really see that reflected in the video where the teacher is a puppet on a string.

I had many more valuable experiences within teaching and special education, before embarking on "teaching" young people with profound and complex additional support needs. I was fortunate to obtain a job in a school that still had a truly child centred approach. I worked alongside numerous inspiring colleagues who displayed many wonderful skills including empathy, an ability to listen and hear, communication, flexibility and creativity.

I began to see that things unfolded when I entered the young person's world, I put myself in their world and observed closely how they were interacting and what they were communicating. It was a continual exploration and different for each unique student, requiring creativity, intuition and an adaptable approach. Many team meetings contained indepth discussions about what appeared to "work" for a particular pupil and what felt (from what they expressed) would be in their best interests. Due to the young people's limited communication skills, our observations and interpretations of what they may be communicating had to become very finely tuned. For example, a young person appears to often raise her hand slightly when a certain sound is made, what could that mean to him/her? I gained valuable insights into non-verbal communication.

I could see how attempting to impose something on a young person was rarely that successful. Rather we (as a team or individually) would seek to discover what inspired a particular young person and what brought them joy. Then we would support learning through whatever means motivated them. Building a relationship with the young person and earning their respect was a vital part of this process. Tuning into how they were at a given point in time and honouring that also felt important.

I was fortunate to be in a position where we had enough staff to have 1:1 or small group sessions on a regular basis. It felt really wonderful to have these sessions, sometimes we just listened to the young person and echoed back the sounds they made or the movements they initated, so that they felt listened to and recognsied they could have an impact on their world (basic cause and effect). It was amazing how something so simple could encourage further expression (and apparently great enjoyment and enthusiasm) from the young person, perhaps as they felt heard and understood or simply they enjoyed the interaction and connection with another soul or they felt empowered as had some control on their environment or a combination of these and other factors.

Another session I really enjoyed was the mornings where we had free play sessions. A large hall would be set up with heuristic play items (everyday objects such as pots, pans, wooden objects... etc) and the young people with some independent mobility would be free to explore the room for an extended period without any adult intervention. It was fascinating to watch as they explored and notice how their play skills developed over the weeks as a result of these opportunities to independently learn about their world. Some fascinating interactions among the young people flowed. It also helped them develop their problem solving skills, I noticed my tendency to intervene, and then noticed the rewards of not doing so as the young person eventually discovered for themselves - a much more powerful experience

I learned how it was definately not about product, so for example, if we were doing an art project, it was about finding ways for each young person with their individual mobility and range of skills to be actively involved in a motivating way. It was wonderful to see how much joy a young person could gain from their unique active engagement, even if that sometimes meant simply moving their hand an few centimetres forward and back or getting paint splattered everywhere. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't and for a particular young person going for a bike ride instead of the art lesson was more beneficial.

That leads onto another valuable skill I developed - flexiliblty. On a daily basis there was always the possibility of something unforseen occuring. For instance if doing a group session, a participant might experience seizure activity that required attention or a myriad of other possibilities may arise or it just might not be flowing for some unapparent reason. At first I struggled and became frustrated when a planned lesson went awry or if objectives weren't achieved, however I slowly began to see that something that arose spontaneously would often be much more effective and beneficial for all concerned. So I became more adaptive and flowed with the energy of the group or individual I was working with. I began to enjoy discovering what might emerge when we went with the flow!

If there were behavioural challenges, the staff in general looked at such as a challenge for the staff, how could they assist the young person more effectively. We looked at what the young person may possibly be trying to communicate and how could the young person be supported or their environment altered so that they no longer felt the need to communicate in this particular way. I recall how a member of my team was discussing with a new parent about how her teenage daughter "nipped" others. The staff member explained how the team were aware that this was her communicating her distress and we were looking for more information, insight and possible guidance from the mother. The mother began to cry, she couldn't believe that someone could see this as her daughter's way of communicating and that we were positively looking for solutions.

How sad that this Mum was surprised and so touched that someone was hearing and understanding her daughter and not judging her on account of the behaviour? She knew it was just her child's way of communicating, whether it be "I don't understand what's happening" or "you're standing too close to me" or something else. She also shared how distressed her daughter had become in other enviroments where the behaviours were considered a big problem and how wonderful it was to have her daughter accepted in this way. Working with this young person was a fantastic opportunity for me to become really aware of how I was being and how I was interacting with her so that she felt safe and secure (and of course, I didn't always get it right).

I hadn't intended to write so much about my previous "teaching" experiences, but it just seemed to flow and has reinforced how valuable my past has been and how much I've learned and it feels like that's just the tip of the iceberg (I've now left formal educational settings). This week, watching and participating with Trinity and her son, as we set out on a journey of "de-schooling" has been absolutely fascinating and I realise how much I still have to learn about empowering another and supporting learning. Thank you Trinity for being such an awesome, inspiring example of how "learning" can happen effectively and with lots of fun.

I watch as Trinity patiently waits for him to find his own solutions, posing facilitating and empowering questions where appropriate, such as "How do you think you might do that?", "How do you feel about that?" or "Is there anything else you might like to add?". Yet, there are clear boundaries and much is being explored, learned and achieved. I am inspired by the flexibility within the approach, while still ensuring that a focus is maintained. Much of the learning and activities appear to arise spontaneously. I'm inspired by the enthusiam, commitment and dedication of one so young, it is great to see that when given the space, opportunities and ability to choose young people know what is in their best interests and are willing and enthusiastic to actively engage in their own learning process. As Chris said "Each has his own way. Even a child can feel what's best for them if encouraged to."

I'm really enthused about being involved with "de-schooling" and am very aware of what a great learning experience it will be for me and I don't mean finding out about ancient Persia or learning to speak Spanish... I mean learning from the young "guru"

Love and gratitude, Fiona

It just reminded me about something my professor said, it went something like:

"...Most of the greatest discoveries happened with students who didn't listen to their supervisor's advice..." - He told me that when we talked about decisions when to start working on something, taking into consideration what are the chances of finding there something, and whether the time it will take worth it.

I think he's one of the best teachers I've ever met. Now that I try to formulate why exactly, I think that's because of the somewhat "coaching, not teaching" approach. He somehow only accompanies, guiding. Despite him being a professor, you know, he allows me to argue and ask, and dig into maybe clear for him things.

Also even when he gives advise, he always leaves it up to me to decide.

Another thing I wanted to mention is the discipline thing. Imagine this: none of my two supervisors ever pressed me for working. I can disapear for weeks, and nobody asks where I am and what I'm doing. This is one of the things that leave me a place to WANT to do it, or to make sure I want to do it.

Example: My mama was very strict about studying well in school. I was demanded to do it, even forced physically. It was very hard, especially that I was a year younger than my schoolmates and also small for my age. I was lucky to love some of my teachers, so it kind of softened the experience.. I barely enjoyed studying, mostly working for my teachers.

Then after immigration, when I was 14 and rebelled against my mother, I was finally left alone, and after a while discovered my passion for mathematics, which was one of the few things that brought happiness to me and made my life bearable in tose times.

So I automatically studied well, when I did something I love, something that interested me.

One of the most ridiculous things:

In ex-USSR all the systems were very rigid and strict. School!! Good grades! Let's lock children in stuffy rooms, while they want to run, play, have fun and discover the world around them. Let's squeeze all of them, and make sure to get them in tight and strict boxes, and also in such a way they can never get out. And you don't have any other options.

Here there is option to graduate school whenever you wish. And what is simply unbeleivable is that there are people, who completed all the school program in two years!!! It appears that children don't have to suffer 12 years in order to get the 'paper'.

Conclusion: "Hey, 'teacher', leave the kids alone"?

Thank you everyone for this conversation. We are learning to navigate here and appreciate a group of like-minded friends following the inner(k)now! Here is a few photos of my daughter in our spiritual parenting and homeschooling/unschooling adventure...only fingers pointing to the moon http://www.lifeschoolmia.blogspot.com/

Lotsa L.O.V.E.

Sky and Mia Rose

Hi Sky!

I've just found your post. Beautiful to see you here. I loved scrolling through the sweet pictures. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful energy. Such a small world. A good friend of mine came from South Bend, Indiana (now in Hawaii).

I've just taken Ocean (my 11 year old) out of school after one and a half years in primary school and three months in secondary. Very liberating, although he is currently going through a bit of a 'detangling process'. How do you find home schooling?

With Love
Trinity

enjoyed reading all these posts... (we have 3 gorgeous kids too)
you might enjoy watching this fantastic (and FUNNY) lecture by Sir Ken Robinson about "School killing Creativity?"
http://vimeo.com/7307853
love and blessings to all
Reka : Aradhana