exploration

At various times I’ve been invited to explore the experience of aloneness and what its meant to me. In contemplating, I realized that in some ways I’ve spent a lot of my life so far alone, whether as a natural expansion, or through denial, or emotional withdrawal or being physically alone for example. Sometimes in authenticity, sometimes perhaps not! Generally it hasn’t been intentional but feels rather that it was the right thing. Sometimes its felt intensly challenging, at others very liberating and light. And I can see how I’ve responded to those experiences, at times I’ve struggled, at times I’ve surrendered, at times I’ve enjoyed.

More recently I’ve been invited to experientially explore ‘aloneness’ more intensly still and felt to write about it. I thought I'd share some of what I wrote and observed here...

In walking the Path, who hasn’t felt both the liberation and the weight of aloneness? Who hasn’t experienced the joy and the challenges of interaction with others?
Some may go deeper into it than others, but in my view it is a common thread, that is a part of the human experience, as well as invitation to explore our True Self. I believe there is a link to being alone and being Present. After all, when the volume on the external world in terms of social interactions and distractions is turned down, it seems we are more able to hear the finer sounds of the inner one.

Questions arose - For example, How does physical aloneness differ from ‘spiritual aloneness’ etc? Is the experience limiting or enriching? Can I be present and non-invested, even in the very intense times? What emotions arise? etc. I think a big one was this - Can I just completely embrace the moment as a natural part of my experience without labeling that experience or defining myself by how I feel about it?!

I can see the profound gifts of experiencing aloneness and being alone; as a way of creating or facilitating space in which to further unfold, and sometimes as a healing space to rest and breathe. As in Nature, where autumn and winter facilitate a going inwards, a regrouping and resting period, so spending time alone can work for us to reassess and address. It can be a time to more deeply contact, unfold and experience the True Self within. Perhaps because of this unfolding and experiencing it is sometimes a space of lightness and sometimes of darkness. And we're often invited to see how we are being in relation to our selves and our lives at that time. It seems that when faced with one's self there is the choice of whether to turn and walk away or confront and explore. So spending time alone it seems has the potential to facilitate a greater self exploration and understand of one's true Nature, beyond the potential conditioning and limitations of others. It often seems to facilitate the arising of deep or challenging 'stuff' to the surface, that we are invited to deal with and process. And in working through the darkness, we can perhaps unveil a greater light.

Authentic Relating

I have also been given to explore the blessings and enrichment of interactions with the world and others. Interestingly it can be the times when it feels ‘easier’ to sit on my own and go deep inside, when I’m invited to explore the world outside! To find myself in a relating to others as well as to my self. Yet of course its really all a relating to my Self!

“We’re One, yet we’re not the same
We get to carry each other…”

My attention has been drawn to observe the interactions of others. One thing I’ve observed is a joy and mutual enrichment in couples and groups that is there in potential even before its realised. I can see the power and mutually beneficial effect of interacting, ‘sparking’ with another, even though the conversation or interaction may not always seem enriching or enlightening. I’ve also felt some sense of ‘affinity’ with others who are alone in society. The homeless for example. Especially the times when I was living on the road, I felt a lot more empathy for them, and also in some ways an acceptance by them. As more people treated me as ‘homeless’ or traveler, and I felt more heavily the judgements of society, I also felt a greater understanding of the world of the homeless, the potential freedoms and also a taste of some of the challenges of living without a home and of the judgement of socety. I also felt the essence of a tribe or community at the fringes of society, with a different perspective and different ways of seeing the world. Those ignored or disdained had a kind of solidarity amongst themselves.

All the peoples of the world it seem have social or tribal interactions as an inherent part of their culture and societal structure, in one form or another.

Having gone deep into feelings of aloneness and isolation, exploring the darkness and the light, I feel more and more the importance of interaction and relationship or relating to others. Not from a place of neediness, but from a place of being okay with and seeing the gifts of aloneness and from there feeling the authenticity and value of relating; of ‘touching’ and being touched. Being in relation both to ourselves and others, seems to put who we really are and who we believe ourselves to be in some kind of context from which to learn and evolve.

Is the grass always greener?

Often it seems we as human and spiritual beings feel a yearning for ‘something more’. In its distortion it seems this can translate metaphorically to noticing the ‘otherside of the street’ and wanting to live there! Often it appears ‘greener on the otherside’ until you get there.
Having experienced both sides of the fence to a greater or lesser extent, I feel this is also relevant to the ideas of being alone and being in relationship or community. It seems that many of those in partnership, parentship and societal interactions yearn to be free, to ‘jump ship’ and travel the seas. And certainly one can feel deeply alone even in a group or ‘relationship’ situation. Yet many who appear free, independent and on their own, yearn to be in authentic relationship or communion. So it seems to me.

So what is being invited here? I feel its different for each individual of course. Could it be that sometimes we’re invited to go deep into our aloneness, our essential nature, our true expression of beingness? Could it be we’re invited to find that freedom and autonomy whether on our own or with others? Perhaps we’re being invited to be with our experience more, and find our truth within that? and sometimes also I feel there’s an authentic invitation to explore the other side of the fence for a while too. Sometimes its even time to move house!

balance

So it feels there’s a fine line to tread in balancing the autonomy of aloneness with interaction with other, without grasping.
I’ve been given to explore more the idea of finding authentic relationship or community/communion both with myself and with others. Having been experientially exploring what ‘aloneness’ means to me, I can see I might be limited by it and where liberated; and also where that pattern of being alone springs from in me. I’ve also felt the blessings within that aloneness – the freedoms, the ability to flow with the wind. And I can see more clearly the times I might be invited to interact more with others.

Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely. Perhaps alone can really be Whole and Complete. I see a distortion of aloneness might be ‘loneliness’ – defined as a state of being ‘unhappy because you are not with other people’. It limits beingness in relation to others.
To me the Authentic expression of aloneness is ‘autonomy’ (from the Greek autonomos 'having its own laws'); being self-reliant and self-assured; conscious of our connection with others and the world but not defined by them. We are invited to realize who we are beyond our relation to others, yet feeling our True Nature. Essentially aloneness becomes ALL-ONEness!

Perhaps we can find our authentic aloneness even as we relate to others. There is the knowing, that all of us in some respects are very much alone; in some ways both in a relative and absolute sense. Yes, we may have friends, partners, family, guides etc in our lives, but still we’re the ones who have to live our lives, and however much society may try to tell us differently no one else can do it for us! It seems to me authentic expression is not being limited by our experiences but enriched by them. In noticing our responses to situations we can come closer to noticing and realising that which is beyond responses and situations. This may be mirrored to us in our aloneness. For there is a Oneness in Aloneness. Alone is so close to ALL ONE.

It seems then, in authenticity we are given to explore ourselves; both as Absolute and Relative – as selfless Self perhaps; Stillness and Moving. As has previously been discussed how could we experience our true Self or Beingness without something to experience? or without a field of experience?

I’ve found being aloneness for long periods has the potential to facilitate both great expansions, creativity and insights, and also great darkness and depression. And without others to relate to I can see how I relate to my self. Its all a part of the process.

within

I’m learning to see both the blessings and the challenges (which are blessings too!) of being alone and relating, and how it has the potential to be both liberating and limiting. It seems appropriate that we find opportunities both for aloneness and interacting, for relating to ourselves and to others. How can we find an authentic way of experiencing our true Self both within relation to ourselves and other, that uniquely respects and honours our own journey and Soul Expression? The answers, I feel, lie within. That place where we are both alone and ALL ONE.

with love

Ben

During last half a year I consider to move and live apart from Dani, while still staying in relationship.

I feel I need my space, to be alone.

The paradox is that I feel lonely already, while living with someone, all that is 'killed' is boredom, but the other side of it is the distraction from myself, from what I feel, and dilution of the energy around me, in a way. So do I want to distract myself? Is it too hard for me and I myself dilute it? all these questions arise..

I want to make sure I'm not running away from something here..Maybe the problem is internal and it won't help to solve it physically, I may end up calling "please come...", you know...

Very confusing.

But one thing I know - you are right, I was in a place to think "I need to be alone, to stay focused, people only interrupt me". And later: "When I interact, I see things in myself I don't see otherwise"..Not to mention the energy exchange". Berne stated in his book Games people play", that any interaction is better than no interaction. Isolation causes degradation. I think that energy exchange lies at the root of it. Otherwise it stagnates..

After a while I understood that it's both, balanced, like you're saying, aloneness and interacting with people.

The duality is still one of the toughest nuts to crack - how can to polarities coexist in the same time?

It's all such a gentle balance, it's so hard: to keep the body balanced; to keep the environment that serves; to make sure that what you feel really comes from the soul (sub-consciousness can be so tricky); choices making; everything..

So simple and so complicated at the same time.

How are you doing this? Keeping the balance all the time? I mean during the stage when you still can't align constantly?

Wow, I slipped from the topic... I guess it's too late and I'm out of concentration.. the better, I say things as they are

Thanks anyway, loneliness is something I always considered bad, until I stoped being afraid to be with myself, tet-a-tet, and still sometimes I'm afraid of it.. so I was glad you talked about it in such details.

I can relate to that, thanks for bringing it up Ben. It has been a big teaching for me lately and let to a profound opening that I might share here.

I have always been aware of being alone, always felt alone in some way. But looking back have to see I never allowed this feeling completely, using relationships, spiritual groups & teachers, drugs, music.. and so forth to escape that feeling. And I get the sense that a big part of what humas do seem to be doing is escaping strategies to avoid confronting aloneness and death - and to me these two a deeply interrelated.

It is easy to see that in the moment of death we are absolutely alone. As noone and nothing can go there with us, we have to let go and detatch from everything. Funnily we imagine the "moment of life" to be different. But in my experience it isn't.

In this world all is in a constant state of dying - though vibrating with love and life, all is fading, all can be taken away in any second. Thus attaching to any of it can only cause pain as many teaching have warned us. To know this intelectually has been one thing for me, but then there was a time when I really "got it" on a "celular level" so to speak. I am alone. An completely so. It caused panic attacks that I cannot describe other than "fear of death", facing this aboslute aloneness felt like facing death. I was in bed for several days with this fear, thrown back to my own consciousnes, only being terrified and crying - and going through it has really changed my life.

If I relate in truth now, it happens from a place of constant dying to the moment, a place of complete aloneness. Yet there is no pain in it. I enjoy interaction, I enjoy relating, making love, sharing, dancing. I do feel connected. But there is no more trying to cover the aloneness. I am here with myself.

At some point it felt like getting a joke. Faced with the utter helplessness of the human experience there is a big laughing bubbling up. Right in the face of it. Nothing to loose anymore, because owning anything was an illusion in the first place. What a joke! I could laugh in the midst of this kaleidoscope of changing forms, utterly alone in this amazing experience that life is.

It was clear beyond doubt: All I am searching outside I have to find in myself. But only all of it. And only always. The love. The feeling of home. It will never be out there. Never. I am my own parent and lover. The love of God, that calling in my own heart is my dearest friend.

Whenever I feel a "going out" for something now I softly take it back inside myself. The needing, but also the loving. All is shared inside with my own soul. What I need from others is what I need to find in myself. What I love in others is a reflection of the devine beauty I carry in my own heart.

It may sound cold to some. But the opposite is the case: It feels like freedom, and I love more and deeper than ever before. If you realize your own aloneness, you cannot help being compassionate with everbody else. Humanity is alone. I wish I could find some words to describe the kind of compassion I feel, but I don't see a way to do so. It is as if what we really share is aloneness. If we all dive deep into that place we seem to miraculously meet in that honesty, and real connection is possible. At that place it is very warm and there is a deep understanding of a love that does not need or hope, but found peace in itself.

And there is such a deep sense of thankfullness for any meeting and sharing, the mere fact that it is even possible. It is hard to describe.

I am not there all the time, but since that opening happend this is mostly from where I live. And I try to dive deeper and deeper into it. I never found anything more juicy.

beautiful. Thank you both for sharing. So much truth in it, we flow from our aloneness, we can relate from our aloneness. And so we can experience Oneness. Is this Consciousness from where real compassion flows?

I feel 'touched' in my aloneness. And touch the All-One.

"I never found anything more juicy."

Wow what an incredible sharing David. You've really captured the essence of an absolutely invaluable truth on the path. We cannot truly know life or live life until we can utterly and completely embrace aloneness. For yes, we are utterly and totally alone.

I feel your sharing to be deeply inspiring to those who are on the verge and ready to dive into the void.

Prior to the void, there is constantly avoiding it. Constant distraction. Even meditation itself becomes an avoidance. Avoidance of the awesome ordinariness of simple presence.

Have you ever taken yourself off for a week somewhere, a wood maybe, and just sat against a tree and waited? Or alone in your flat with everything switched off. It's no more complicated, mystical or difficult than that. Just to sit and wait. To watch. Watch the internal chatter, the thoughts, the emotions continually rising like a amusement park roller coaster ride: "what will I do now? how long can I possibly sit like this? what do I do without food? will I die or go mad? etc etc etc."

It flows constantly until finally there might come a realisation, just to let go and be. To push through the internal barriers to presence. To realise that is all there is.

Yes we may love people, yes we may have friends and family. These are truly beautiful experiences. And yet we are all one of course. We say this easily don't we? But how many truly test that. If we are all one, then there simply is no one else! We've lived with the notion for eons of you and me but ultimately its the greatest lie.

I think when the One Life originally made this single realisation, it must have come with tremendous suffering. To think you're totally alone in the universe. Yet of course then comes the realisation that even to hold this point of view, there must be identification with the separateness. Suddenly the bubble of separateness explodes. There is then only oneness, not even oneness but presence, not even presence but.....

And from this place comes total freedom. A realisation that we can never again be lost in the separateness - at least not for any length of time. We can never again be totally held by the illusion. So we may want to dive totally into it, to drink it in with every pore. To seek out and find all those situations where we could get lost. It's like the last greatest challenge to the universe... "do your best, because nothing, but nothing, can no longer hold me. Not the pain of death, nor the love of life. Not abandonment nor the confusion of multiplicity, of being immersed in a crowd, or lost in the most soulful relationship.

To me, this defines the absolute, tantalising experience of the resurrection. A continual feast. A continual satiation then a continual abstainance and joy of that too. It's simply and utterly hanging ten on the crest of the wave, riding the blade edge, totally immersed in the illusion but never being lost in it. Thank God for aloneness!

Chris

Chris, great post too. Great suggestion for a single-retreat Might be a good idea to put this on our walls:

"Don't just do something, sit there!"

I didn't dare to bring it up, because it easily gets abstract: But yes, if we are all one, then there is only one of us here. (speaking to consciousness, not personality) So aloneness is the basic reality.

And how amazing is creation then? This ONE experiencing itself in so many ways. And if you get that, what a love! I have had glimpses of that from time to time, where I could feel it, not only play with the thought. Amazing. Living from that place must be truly magical and I guess that is what you call the resurrection.

David

Thank you for these wonderful, insightful postings. They speak to me profoundly. I have heard many references to The Void or Crossing the Void and I'm not sure what that feels like, although I imagine absolute aloneness must be key.

This whole issue feels very pertinent to where I am on my own journey right now.

I should very much value hearing people's understanding and personal experiences of this particular part of the ascension path, should you be moved to share.

with love and blessings
Veronica

I was suffering so much in my relationships with men and mainly with myself so much self-hate, sadism towards myself, I was literally cutting and cutting trying to break through this body, through all these horrible feelings I experienced.

When I met my husband, I was so fragile, so hurt, so lonely, abandoned, I NEEDED someone who would love me, take care of me, protect me from the cruel world, from all the hardships and pain, and from myself (I was pretty deadly to myself back then) and also surely serve my sexual never-satisfied needs, simply MUST be crazy about me!!! hhhhh

But he was like a wall, untouchable, unpenetrable, seemed to be the most not fitting for this purpose man I could possibly find. For back then unknown reason I didn't leave, I thought because I'm too scared to be alone again...now I can see how much space it gave me to explore myself, and eventually become free.

6 years! I went through so much pain there, so much mind-cracking. I have `~dozen of diaries dedicated to this topic, how I was breaking through and through... Until finally about a year ago I really felt I want to be alone! I felt I want to live alone, and felt much more content on my own. And.. hello, to my amazement I didn't need neither sex nor love anymore, from anybody. I still had some kind of pleasant idea that I can never know, and maybe... one day... but it was not important anymore, in contrast to 6 years ago, when it was the ONLY good thing for me in my life.

But I thought, that maybe I don't have to move out, to separate, because of both fear to make it on my own from practical perspective, and also kind of worry that I'm running from something, and that I might still have something to learn here...

After a small encouragement during the New Year retreat, I feel as if I got the last tiny, microscopic, but very significant push to jump off the cliff. Fasten your seatbelts, ah?

And now I feel like YEEEEEEEEEEES!!!! So free!! SO in love with myself! and SOOOOOOOO HAPPY in my aloneness, it's just unbelievable!!!

I'm all excited, all excitement hormones
I begin to pack my stuff while still not getting a message where to move, I'm a little kept on stand by by BC now, accumulating excitement and joy, waiting for a sign...

So happy!

Thank you, Chris, David, the other David and Fiona for encouragement and support

There's no way to express my appreciation and gratitude!

Wow Yulia
that's awesome! I'm really excited for you! Congratulations my friend!

with love

Ben

Huuuug