Hi MB,

I truly feel for you - thanks for having the courage to share in the forum. It will surely open a path for you: "he who asketh, receiveth!"

And here lies the key. In all the one-on-one work I do, I notice how when we truly ask a question of the soul, the soul ALWAYS answers through our own words and actions immediately.

So you wonder why your wife is being the way she is with you? Then you answer yourself with these words...

"I tried my level best not to make anybody around me unhappy and try to fulfill their expectations to best of my ability and cannot think of any event where I had done anything which would have troubled her or made her unhappy."

If I may say so, you've disempowered her by being a 'false representative'. In other words, in trying to please others, you've presented a false self and caused people to relate to that. There are simply NO expectations that we have to fulfill. Why allow others to dictate how we should be? Or rather, why give away our power by trying to be something others want us to be?

It sounds to me, that what your wife really needs in her life, is for you to be true to your own feelings, to stand in your own truth, and come from your heart, overcoming any fear of what she or other people might think, want, say or do.

If you do this, then you empower people to take responsibility for their own lives and the impact they make on their outer environment.

You go on to say...

"I am in pain and want to break out of this but don’t want to destroy or spoil somebodies life and also don’t know what is the way out of this."

Do you see that by not speaking and acting in your truth, then you are 'spoiling' the opportunity for those around you to connect with the truth of the moment and take personal responsibility for their own actions?

If we continue to present a false face, we lock those around us into an illusionary bubble...

"Be true to oneself
and it must follow as night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man!"
William Shakespeare

The universe is now inviting you to burst that bubble. To be yourself and express from that place as freely and openly as you can. Even if this appears to cause pain. It is their pain which is their own path to self empowerment and liberation anyway. Why deny them that gift?

I would say you're being invited to confront your wife with how her actions make you feel. Then to ask her "how do YOU feel about that?" This affords the possibility to empower her to connect with her true feelings about what is going on and the impact she's having. And above all else, it empowers YOU.

She may deny her feelings to a degree, and she may still attack you, but if she does, the invitation is to go within, expand, feel infinite peace because you're having the courage to stand in your truth. Then to physically let go of the tightness her attacks might generate. Open, let go, release.

Ultimately, the question has to arise, does it serve you to continue in the relationship the way it is?

With much love and empathy,

Chris

Thanks a lot Chris.

Savored each word of yours. More I discover this creation more I fall in love with it.

You hit it head on, fear is something I have been grappling with and its a big barrier to overcome, your guidance will surely be a catalyst for overcoming it. I am humbled and astonished by how it all comes together. Thanks for being there.

Again I am devoid of words to express my gratitude.

Love and more of it.
MB

Well, it's interesting, how I recognised myself when reading about your wife's accusations and despare, which took form of 'mental and physical abuse' (by the way, these can sometimes be projected intro into self-abuse, which happened to me, actually).

Even though I don't know whether this is the case, but I can tell about why I found it happened to me, i.e. why I was accusing my husband in ruining and poisoning my life.

1. First of all, as with the rest of the 'problems', I found that any time I'm blaming somebody else in something, I usually blame myself - for example, when I was suffering because I thought my husband didn't love me, but later, after some time passed, I looked at our pictures and saw that I 'turn him down' all the time.

For example, he comes to hug me, but I'm looking somewhere else, or turn my back to him, etc. After a while I discovered that what really happened is that I wasn't lovable because I hated myself, and wouldn't accept it from anyone else. It's just an example.

In general, I felt dissatisfied from my life, from myself, felt empty, and expected others to give me what I lacked - and who if not a husband? Well, it's clear where this leads.. But my husband is very passive by his nature, kind of accepting anything and flowing with anything, so he cooperated with me in my self-destruction. So I used to yell at him - not only you don't help me, but you also interfere me from helping myself!...by silent cooperation and by supporting me as I was.

2. One of the hardest things is when people get used to you the way you are, and by their expectations 'force' you to fit into this box they built for you.

What I mean is that by their vision of you on the thought level they initiate in you this identity they are customed to interact with. It can make it really hard then to 'change the box' for the person who wants to break free, especially if he is unaware of it, if it's somewhere on the subconscious level.

Even now, when I'm more aware, I feel it's very hard to spot when I'm fulfilling people's vision of me and break the cycle. So I feel that I am moving on, changing, but people around, especially my husband is kind of stuck in the past interaction, previous type of communication, and it doesn't suit me anymore. So I'm at the moment trying to talk to him, explain him, but mostly to be as true to myslef I can, so this would authomatically break the 'habit', our habit. Because the truth is - when I really decide, in my heart, that I don't want THAT kind of exchange anymore, it will fall by itself. By the way, it works in both directions - me too by my expectations might limit Dani's ways of expression and exploration.

3. Another problem occured immediately after our marriage. While I was unexpectedly happy during the ceremonie itself, I felt choked by this idea of officially bound to somebody, and with this idea - Oh my God! Now I am obliged to see this face till the rest of my life! :0 But it's of course not the ceremonie, or this piece of paper, but my illusion and distorted perception that caused me feel like that.

With time, it all becomes habitual, and I went through the panic attacks concerning this idea - "I'm burried alive here with this man, he is just a habit for me, what, I will never fall inlove with anybody again?!! The life has ended! :'( " You can laugh now, as I do, but back then it was very sad and torturing.

4. We are used to play two games in our society - one is the dominant, and the other is suppresed.
Many times, women force their husbands into somebody they imagine they would want to be married to, and if their image is not applicable in reality, then hello disapointedness, accusations, etc. They decide where he will work, how he will dress, how he will behave and even how he will FEEL! And they erroneously think, that that will make them happy.

What I observe on many examples is that the result is the opposite, both parties feel dissatisfied and not harmoneous at all. And the secret lies, 'surprisingly', in the fact, that happiness brings happiness, i.e. both can make each other happy only if they themselves are happy. What a woman really wants is happiness, but mistakenly thinks that 'this and that' will make her happy. Of course she doesn't get what she wants. This especially can be hard if the woman actually loves her friend, but suppreses him because of what she was taught.

Here are absolutely agree with Chris. If you want to make your wife happy, then try to make yourself happy (then see how hard it is, and then you will give up the idea of trying to understand what will make someone else happy).

5. There is another topic- sex, which is very important, I find. It appeared, that everything we are 'taught' by society is untrue, in my view, and many people suffer from this stereotypes like - at least once a week! look sexy (according to a last week magazine)! romantic like in movies! rrr rvavav mur miau nonsense Ah, and I forgot, it is 80% of relationship!!!!

This thing in particular caused me and my husband so much suffering, that it's simply unbeleivable, and I know that many men and women are desperate and depressed because of this ridiculous misinformation. Something, that is supposd to connect, unite, bring power, open, expand, bring love and life to the world, something so expressive, turned into something low, separating, exploitating, artificial and almost a must, like a second job.

Well here it took me much time until I was able to finally realise, that it is NOT 80% of the relationship, but an expression of the inner communication, bound, exchange, it's the result, not a cause. And also it is only ONE way to express among many others, and it doesn't have to happen, if you are for example 'transmutating' (sublimating) it into something else, like dancing or laughing together, for example. And also the interaction itself - is purely energetic, now I feel, there is nothing about the body, actually. But it takes time to change these beleifs, very hard, but possible. And in the meantime, the dissatisfied image of how things should be can cause much anger and frustration.

What I can say is that then the next things were and are very important in our relationship, that helped me much:

1. No matter what I did - yelled, attacked, hurt myself, he would do absolutely nothing! Nothing at all, he would go to sleep. Then if I wanted to talk in a calm and sharing manner, only then he reacted. I mean by that that he sort of was, like Chris defines it, 'nothing in it', intuitively I guess. It made me, with time, begin to take responsibility for my feelings and actions. I saw that no matter what I do, the solution will not come from the outside.

Now he didn't feel blame, regret, panic, offense maybe a little, but only if I called him names But still I felt that he cares, it balanced the so-looking 'indifference'.

But if you DO feel anything, then I would say that it might be useful to deal with them as if they have nothing to do with your wife, it's YOUR reaction, your experience, maybe look at what in you causes you to respond like that.

2. He did and does encourage me to explore myself, anything, even to go out for a date with someone. He also shows his acceptance of whatever I decide to do - like living apart for a while, or sleeping separately, etc. He even 'clears' our appartment from his presence at 6.30 am, to let me start the day the way that makes me most happy at he moment - alone.

Also he doesn't deal with what I call 'voodoo-stuff', but he never laughs or shows disrespect to my process, and really supporting me into whatever I want to try, even to go to freezing England to be with people I never actually met, despite his worries about my 'wellness'.

3. Our relationship pretty much self-assembled into something rather free. We don't 'cherish' this common to couples idea that we are together forever and ever, and both let each other know that he is free to leave whenever he wants, while still showing love and care. This is very important for me to make sure every day I actually want to be with him, no matter what the motives are. Also, since then I don't have astmatic and bronchitis attacks, it appeared I had them because I felt I can't breathe in tight and 'secured' relationship.

4. About sex - with time we stoped thinking, counting and scheduling and expecting, but agreed, that we interact in any way, mentally, physically, even visinally (seeing each other) only if BOTH flow spontaneously into it. And if it happens, then again - no expectations, no imposing, but only as long as it suits both, and anybody can stop whenever he feels like. For example, sometimes we go out for a walk together, but if I feel I want to be alone, then he leaves me, or if, as often happens, our natural rhythm of walking is not the same, then instead of forcing it on any of us, we simply and naturally separate.

5. The power of talking. Dani would not talk, or say anything until recently. I never really asked And when I finally did, I was happy to discover the real man behind the silence. Even if it's not always pleasant, but he now tells me how he feels, what he wants, tell me when I do something that makes him feel bad or pressed. It accelerates very strongly my own evolution, since he points my attention to different things I don't notice myself.
But maybe there's no need to wait until you are asked? You can maybe start yourself and see how it's going. Even if it's rejected in the beginning, but gently, but persistently, it might help a lot.

Ok..wow, 1 hour of sharing long long one..

I'll begin to finish..

..all these,before they were balanced, caused me to constantly attack him and myself.

And what I think is the most most important thing for me is to remember that what happens outside is the deed of my own 'hands'. So many times I saw how things switch, like some kind of hocus-pocus, when I feel the shift inside, and still fall into blame sometimes. So, as hard as it may be to beleive, it's all up to me, and the only thing to work with and to look at is myself, and not being afraid of whatever the result of my tryings, or behavior will be, as long as I know I'm doing my best in exploring who on earth am I here..

With love,
Yulia

Thanks a lot Yuliya for sharing.

There is a lot to learn from your experience.

Thanks to Chris and You and I am already helping me change and remove the old blockages.

Love,
MB

Trying to stand in my truth. Not easy... Sometimes start doubting my own truth and get off center, loose to anger. But still struggling to get over the fear and just surrender to heart. Gets very painful sometimes.

Constant allegations and judgements make me rethink my truth. But still trying to stand in truth and keep on exploring it.

In pain and lonely and could not think of any better place than openhand...Even writing here is giving some relief.

Thanks all or being there, adds a lot to me and my courage to move forward..

Love,

Hi, MB,

It is good to remember that even that we might feel really lonely, and things might seem really tough, but we're never really alone, and I am glad to see you've remembered that

Sending you love and a warm hug,
Yulia
<3