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Are You Creating You or Being You?

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When we embark on the spiritual journey we have two main choices:

We can either:
1. create who we want to be
Or
2. be who we truly are

There are many ways to the top of the metaphorical mountain. There are also many ways to ensure that we keep walking around and around in circles. In this article we'll look at the difference between the two...

The difference between creating me and being me

When we are busy 'creating who we want to be' rather than 'being who we truly are' we don't actually go up the mountain at all; instead, we create an illusionary mountain upon which we seem to be able to do whatever we want. Until we see beyond the veil, it certainly has 'allurement factor' written all over it.

Conversely, when we are 'being who we truly are', we attune to the inevitable choice that has already been made - the divine flow of the universe. In this sense, the choice is about remembering who we truly are; and when we remember, the only thing we have to ‘do’ is be. Once we've seen beyond the veil, this will increasingly have a sense of 'rightness' to it.

Allowing the prison walls to crumble

This is not about creating a perfect world, but rather shedding everything that we are not - peeling away that which has kept us from realising out true authentic beingness. It is our destiny. It’s allowing everything to fall away to reveal the omnipresent essence of beingness that is, and always was, there.

The choice is momentary. The choice is whether or we whether we accept or reject the divine, authentic being that we are.

To be or not to be

There isn’t necessarily anything ‘wrong’ in choosing to create a world for ourselves - although, it can be helpful to realise that it is illusionary; like entertainment; or a game to be played, until we tire of illusions; until we wake up to something deeper; until we awaken to the part of us that is at one with the Source of Creation itself; until we realise that when we are at one with the Source of Creation itself, that the real authentic us, paradoxically, doesn’t create anything. Instead, we experience ourselves AS the source whilst creation happens THROUGH us - as a soul.

The main purpose that ‘creating your own reality’ serves on the road to ascension is to show us what we are not. We may experience temporary freedom and happiness by creating amazing things. Yet by nature, anything inspired from our minds can never last. Eventually it generates the sense of our our imprisonment, so intensely, that our soul yearns to break free. This sense, so many of us recognise. Something burning inside. Something we can’t always explain. A tension; a tightness that torments us. An irrational anger or rage. Realising how imprisoned we have been, creates an incredible impetus to fully wake up and liberate the soul.

It's not always easy, especially once we realise how imprisoned we have been and what exactly imprisons us. The prison we've created for ourselves can be everywhere, in everything we do. Waking up is the first step. Once we’ve awoken, we are invited to continue awaking to deeper and deeper layers of authentic soul.

Fear of losing control

Being 'who we truly are' means that we are surrendered to the divine flow of the universe.

The biggest obstacle to this is fear that we have no control, or fear that we'll lose grasp of reality. The irony is, that until we align with the divine flow, we are already lost. We have little grounding in reality. The false self cowers in fear, insisting on control, as it senses its own demise. And so it continues to make cunningly cosy or witful choices to avoid losing it’s grip. The false self basically controls the world that imprisons us and until we fully wake up, we believe that it is real.

Liberation

Conversely, in being ‘who we truly are’, we are taken on a journey that will help us unlock all of the doors. It is a journey of authentic liberation - a stark contrast to the world of illusionary freedom. It generates a phenomenal sense of inner peace that all beings yearn for at a soul level.

Who we are, has already been chosen. Our job is to simply realise that. We are divine beings, far more incredible that anything we could dream up. The secret is trust, surrender and accepting that we are enough, right now, in this moment. Only then can the flood gates of authenticity start to open. Only then can we unleash the full light of our being.

The light of the soul breaks through

My awakening and impulse to unveil absolute truth, has been so strong that I’ve always honoured the impulse to allow my world to unfold before me. I have watched as the walls built around the light of my soul collapsed, brick by brick.

I am just being me... not the me I want to be, but rather the me I Am.

Our true self is unveiled by shedding EVERYTHING that is superimposed upon it. What is revealed is something so earth-shatteringly-brilliant, so extraordinarily-ordinary, that it is impossible to find unless we are being profoundly honest with ourselves. Surrender, let go and trust. Unveil your divine authentic beingness!

So how about you? Are you ‘creating’ you or ‘being’ you?

In Love and Light
Trinity
x

Comments

It's so important we get this kind of view out there - great article Trin!

I still read and hear so much about intentionally "creating our own reality". When will the bubble finally burst?

Soon I trust.

Chris Ok

The Other David's picture

Trinity,

wonderful article that helped a lot.

Something big shifted for me recently. I am dropping into the void again and again, just being, flowing, neither doing nor not doing: there is simply experience happening and I feel totally emerged in it. Interesstingly the idea "I am not the body" does not fit anymore. I feel I am the body, I feel I am my emotions, I flow as them, through them. There is no separation anymore.

But then still some mechanism is active, that keeps re-creating something around the experience. A fear of loosing control maybe?
Also there are moments when it feels like: "Well when I am nothing, then I can be everything!" It feels there are no limits anymore, like an enormous power to shape reality, because it is seen that I am the one projecting it. I can see the identity in there, but it is still coming up.

So what to do? Trying to get back to everything-nothing does not work, it is yet another identity. So there is only letting go, permanently dropping into pure experiencing. It is like relaxing a muscle. Dropping, falling. I do it, but I do not do it, I just stop cramping. I just fall.

An then again another identity: The states become so deep that I just sit and stare, unable to move. Untill I realize: this is not transcendence it is identification with presence! I am nothing, but I am not everything anymore. Again a muscle to relax, then I fall into pure embodied experience again.

What a magic. What a time...

Something in this helped me, I can't even say what.

"..until we awaken to the part of us that is at one with the Source of Creation itself; until we realise that when we are at one with the Source of Creation itself, that the real authentic us, paradoxically, doesn’t create anything. Instead, we experience ourselves AS the source whilst creation happens THROUGH us - as a soul."

So thank you!

David

Martin T's picture

Thank you Trinity! You're words touched me deeply. Returning to Openhands website now and then gives me such strength and insights. In between I practise living life. Best school ever. Astonishing things has happened a lot lately, and always when I dare to let go.

David's picture

I am not consciously creating me, but the prison walls of lingering control are undeniably there. And what I have discovered is that even though I see the control and yearn for the shackles to break, it is only in each and every moment where I align with my true self, the essence of beingness that I am, that another brick of the prison wall falls away.
Man it is not easy and absolutely terrifying at times. How can it be so scary to be you!? Sometimes I give up and just want to be swallowed up into a black hole...but it always comes back, that yearning to be, the yearning to be ME!
Thanks for the article, the signposts shine so brightly.

Trinity's picture

Thanks for sharing your experiences guys.

I do see a big controlling element within fellow people. It manifests in so many different ways. It's been carved deep within the human psyche and repeatedly re-enforced for aoens.

Sometimes it is even subtle, disguising itself as an identity that makes it appear not controlling.

Control emanates from a lack of trust in the divine, and a lack of belief in our selves. A person often feels that they have to control the flow in order to create something meaningful; to create purpose or meaning to life; to become someone.

It is often subconscious (although not always), coming from the belief that we are separate from Unity Consciousness. We might think we can 'create ourselves' better.

The ego, false self or shadow, depends on control for its existence. It can only hold us hostage if we allow it to exist. We give it control, by believing that we are that. Again, this might be subconscious, riding on pathways that have been deeply embedded within our field. We might even have a spiritual identity that TELLS us we are all one and that we trust and are surrendered to the divine. This can act as a clever mask, to hide us from the underlying feelings that we are inadequate, that we are a tiny speck of insignificance in the grande universal scheme of things and that we HAVE to make something of ourselves in order to generate purpose. It keeps us from being the amazing being that we truly are. Ingenious!

So, when I contemplate that, I might ask, why would we allow this to define who we are, when the true, unbridled expression of the soul beckons?

Black or white, or black and white?

And... everything is illusion and to me. And it s not that important with which of the illusions you choose to play with, as long as you go to the extremes, or choose any extreme - you're caught in the illusion. Both are just games, tools, they are not important in themselves. The process is what matters, the evolution, the movement, the realizations, shifts, etc. all the rest is just a set up. This is how I am experiencing everything now.

So the greatest part of this illusion is that anybody can choose anything and as long as this somebody feels right with it - it IS right for him/her, as truth is really the feeling, and nothing else. Then after a while this 'right' can become 'wrong', or in other words, outdated, irrelevant, etc. And nobody else can know or be sure whether it is or it is not the way for anybody else. Truth is not collective, and so is not rightness. It is individual, personal and diverse.

There are simply no simple questions, answers or recipes when trying to reach the vast universal mosaic. And at the same time, when one lets go the need to live 'by some book' OR lets go the need for others to live by some book, or, in general, lets go 'the book', then things become really simple and all the 'chewing' falls off. For me this is one of the greatest liberations I have experienced so far.

So for me, neither of the options work... There is no "BEING me" and there is no "CREATING me". In both of them there is some degree of control and clinging. allowing is also control. There is a more deep state to live from, in which there is no need to allow, to know, to surrender, to be, or anything else. And this one is never the same. It always changes.

And thus my answer is simplicity of existence, which includes all the possibilities and doesn't exclude anything.

It can be both mechanisms happening simultaneously, it can be none of them...

It feels to me like you're spinning off again Yulia Smile

Of course you're free to spin off wherever you want to - as you rightly point out!

Certainly the approach for Openhand, is that there is a 'rightness', defined as that which brings us into alignment with the flow. It is experienced as co-creative. Synchronicity brings people and the universe together with a common sense of destiny and purpose - a common reality, which at a higher level, we've all subscribed to - or else we simply wouldn't be here.

To countless people I've worked with, the authentic higher connection is tasted as harmonious, fulfilling, completing and without judging, simply 'right'.

Chris

Trinity's picture

Spinning is the word that came to me too. Thank you for pointing out that there is another 'choice' Yulia. Neither being nor creating. Just chaotic spinning, endlessly through space or nothing really matters.

If I contemplate that deeply, it fits in more with the 'creating' - a more random, defiant creation that will not be bound by anything. Ultimately, though, it IS bound, by its own limitations of resistance. It is more like freedom within the prison of illusion; making up your own 'rules'... anything goes. This is the illusion of no boundaries rather than the divine innate, authentic embracing of boundless liberation.

Making up your own rules is controlling... it might be disguised as a liberated sense of choice - but it is controlling.

The Other David's picture

I think this hits the nail on the spot:

"Control emanates from a lack of trust in the divine, and a lack of belief in our selves. A person often feels that they have to control the flow in order to create something meaningful; to create purpose or meaning to life; to become someone."

This was exactly my programm.

Funny, I feel completely the opposite of what you describe.

It doesn't feel like I am breaking rules, on the contrary, finding my place within all the existing boundaries and not only those I prefer or would chose. Also there is no constant boundary for me. There is THIS boundary now I feel and this is all that matters for me.

It is not anything goes. In my reality there is no such thing, unless it is denial and procrastination in some specific state or clinging to a specific state/belief/perception. There is simply no question about choice. There is no such thing. There is the way to go now and that's it.

I feel you don't get me at all and I wonder why is that... Completely distorted depiction of how I feel. It's like there is some specific box I am supposed to fit in here and if I don't then I "spin off" and "anything goes", etc. And it might be hard to see that there are other boxes out there when they are not part of your reality/perception. But it doesn't mean they don't exist. I have my own box to fit in and you have yours. And this is part of the co-creation, which possibly you don't trust, how can it work that somebody feels and sees differently, and yet, we co-create?

But this is what it is and there can be no argument with reality as it is presenting itself and with the flow of things as they are happening NOW. We don't need to be the same or feel the same to co-create. So I won't do the old mistake again and lie to myself and you, even if it means we lose the ability to communicate and connect. It is funny o think the world is all playing by the rules as you perceive it, and not by the universal rules, as you see only a little part of reality, only what you are allowed to see, and others see some other part... and so together we build a huge world that is all built of tiny pieces. There is a higher order to things, even if locally things look like a mess.

Sometimes we tend to interpret things we don't understand. And I say again - chewing often stands in our way to feel what we see for ourselves, especially when we try to chew other people's experiences.

Just get what you can from it, and I will get what I am brought to get from it. And this is co-creation in its best. No need to measure everybody with one tiny limited ruler...

David's picture

I don't see it as a choice, more of an alignment.
When you can let go of control, resistance, denial whatever the program then you automatically align with the flow.
So maybe there is a choice, either you try and swim up stream, fight and struggle to get somewhere to achieve something or let go into the let it carry you and become one with it.
You can know it intellectually, tick...having the courage to open your arms and give yourself to the stream in every moment, still working on that one. Smile

Trinity's picture

How can anyone every really get you if you insist on being undefinable Yulia? It's incredibly clever!
You say a lot of things, but what are you REALLY saying, beyond the words?

    "Together we build a huge world that is full of tiny pieces"

    To me, this feels like limitation. It feels like being cut off from the whole.
    To me, as the soul expands and expands, it dances in and through all. It becomes cosmic. Yes, each has their own perspective, but once the ego is dissolved, once we've reached the top of the mountain (so to speak), we're seeing the same landscape.

    I feel judgment in your words Yulia,... "one tiny limited ruler".
    I feel the shadow of rebellion. Which paradoxically is a form of control.

    So now you have a choice - this shadow would say "unlimited choices" no doubt:
    either take the gift and work with it, or keep spinning off at the level of the intellect.

    Hopefully, from all the beneficial experiences you've had with us over the years, you'll remember in your landscape that everything offered is a gift.

    Chris

Trinity's picture

Me too. Alignment!
Yet, the choice for me is do I align with the flow of the divine or not? Once you've made the choice to align - there is just a flow. Just like your river analogy David.

Trinity's picture

    "Together we build a huge world that is full of tiny pieces" Hmmm???....

(I am not sure who wrote this as I can't find it in the postings - but interesting statement that reminds me of the fragments of soul that we reclaim or awaken to realise our whole and completeness).

When I woke up spiritually, my experience wasn't ordinary - the entire universe fell away and all that was left was a infinite, boundless, energy. This was the energy of unity consciousness that permeates through and beyond all things. It is ever present and the only 'thing' that actually is real. Once you touch that, your relationship with the entire universe changes - you UNDERSTAND the nature of reality in a way that no book could ever teach you. You relate to the world from the soul rather than the mind. Until you touch that space, then everything else is just procrastination and an attempt to grasp the un-graspable.

This is what every soul is searching for. It is the journey 'home'. We can all touch that space, but we have to first LET GO of everything that is not us.

"one tiny limited ruler" - what judgment can be here? I see humbleness in it, and you see judgment in it. Where is the truth? There is no truth. There is what you get and there is what I get. And you can't possibly know 100% what it is I am getting here, what is my lesson.

Here is what was really meant by it: I know my truth and I don't need to prove it to anybody, and yet, I know my perception is always limited and probably not full, so I call it my tiny ruler. It doesn't mean that it is not important, and I respect other people's rulers. But yes, to me no matter how far you go, and how much you see or know, the ruler not only doesn't get bigger, but it gets smaller and smaller, as I feel how much I don't know. But if you feel differently - then it is perfectly fine with me.

Now concerning the rebellion and the shadow. There is no rebellion and, as far as I can see - no shadow. There is just what I am saying. I didn't say it so you agree. I didn't say it to prove you wrong. I have no problem with anybody else saying that they feel or see differently.

Now, we always talk about mirroring. You were earlier saying I have a problem with limitations, and yet now you're saying that my description feels limiting for you.

Am I being projected something at, possibly? Just as with the game of 5 foods? I cheated myself there. I lied. And it was not because I wanted you to like me, or to be belong, but because I wanted to see how it will make me feel. I trusted you that you might see something I don't, a blind spot... But it wasn't true. And what it gave birth to was a lie. This is how it felt. And now if I tell you: yes, yes, probably you are right, I'll go look at that - it's A LIE. Is this what you prefer? A lie that will support your truth or my truth as I feel it at the moment even if it doesn't fit your view or perception. Are you that sure that tomorrow you will see the same? And how can you know that everybody sees the same if you reject anybody that sees differently? If I come now and tell you: I see a different landscape. Then you will have to make me wrong, right?

But then there is a question of objectivity.

And I say - there is no such thing as objectivity.

And the only way to maybe guess how things are is to stop excluding parts of reality that don't exactly fit what I think is or should be. And this is why for me, and this is only for me, there is nothing that can be excluded. Just as there is nothing that can be one-sided, absolute and right for everybody. Again, this is how I see things now.

You have mentioned my intellect too. Sometimes you want others to be right, because it makes things easier and takes away the responsibility and the hardship of the aloneness and loneliness of the self-exploration. But there are times that you can't lie to yourself anymore. So you can see in it denial, but I know, I KNOW that not only that what I am saying now is my personal instantaneous truth, but it is also my purpose, part of my purpose. I can't define it, but I can clearly feel it.

I have learned several lessons here, but none of them has to do with what you think I should learn here.

And somehow for me there is no clash between what you or Trin say, feel or perceive and what I perceive. YOU have a problem with my perception. I don't have any problem with yours. For me all you say is true and right, but it is only part of the 'reality', not ALL the reality, not the whole picture, and that it is personal and can change according to situation, a lesson to be learned, etc. To me, perceived things are always relative and subjective and therefore are unreliable, they are only a part of the game. They are important, very important, and yet I never forget that the truth, the full absolute truth lies beyond my ability to perceive, but I know that the place I am going to - there, in the moment of absolute death - I will taste it. It can't be described, systematized, 'methodified', utilized, drawn on papers, etc. It can be felt when I disappear. This is what I got, and this is what I live.

The question for me here is can we all find that place that goes beyond the differences? Beyond the instantaneous, conditional truths? This is where I intuit all truths meet, and this is one of my tasks, to live that place. Maybe it is not for you, and it is ok.

It could be that I didn't make myself clear earlier... So I will try again, and say that in my truth, as it is now, both choices can be not aligned, and both can be aligned, both can happen at the same time or not happen at all, and it depends on many things. In my reality, I should have no conditions to the universe. Whatever I will feel is right - I will do, even if all my truths and perceptions will collapse at once in front of my eyes and I will have to go against all my 'old' realizations, as consistent as they may be.

I love this line from Peaceful Warrior, and it has so many meanings for me. One of them feels relevant here: "It is not about vulnerability, but absolute vulnerability". And absolute vulnerability, to me, has no conditions and rigid truths and perceptions, and definitely not ones fit for all.

I can't even say I will feel the same in 5 minutes. Maybe I will read it and say: Oh my God, I shifted again. All this is totally irrelevant and not true.

.....

You don't have to agree or approve what I am saying. Again, this is not about who is right and who is wrong for me. It is about sharing what we've got. If my sharing is unwanted here, I will definitely not impose myself on anybody. Just say it and I will keep it to myself, it is not a problem at all.

Trinity's picture

Yulia,

Yes, honesty, absolutely! For me, it is the only way. I would rather reap the consequences of disapproval for being honest, than live behind a mask. I see the same in you too. I like it.

I don't have a problem with anyone's perspective. It's quite interesting that you think I would Smile and why you'd bring it up. I have no investment in what anyone else thinks. Thought and experience is subjective - it can be absolutely anything - but it really never answers anything - it doesn't answer the question at the core of our being. So, I feel rather accepting of opinions and perspective. It's not really concern.

I just felt that since I actually wrote the article above, that I would get involved in the discussion. I felt to write incase there were something that I had to offer would be felt or embraced, perhaps something useful to someone, somewhere. I don't know which seeds will land and which will not (if any at all).

Your soul, by nature is inviting an ever deeper exploration. You are asking in a way, for a response - otherwise, why else would you share? Why else would you share so much, making sure that your perspective is known in great detail, if your point of view didn't matter?

I only ask questions to invite a deeper exploration. To me it's not so much about the answers that follow (or not), but rather what it touches, stirs or exposes inside.

x

"To me it's not so much about the answers that follow (or not), but rather what it touches, stirs or exposes inside." - in this sense I feel the same, and this is why I am really glad now I am true and not afraid to stir things in myself or around, if this is what seems to be happening.

And I know that what you, guys, said was meant to stir something in me, and it did exactly it. It's just not what it seems, and I am happy to be able to see beyond the layers now, beyond the trigger points, to see what is actually invited to do. So I said what I felt to say.

There are many things I am experiencing now which are new to me, but if there is something clear it is that I am not afraid to 'be myself' anymore. I wouldn't share things here if I didn't trust this space. But I am always ready for surprises. I never know what will happen next, what I will have to go through and feel. Maybe it might be rejection, maybe being completely on my own, not understood and not accepted, maybe I am invited to move on? Who knows? Whatever it might be I wouldn't think that YOU made me feel this way. I just would know that I said my truth, you said yours, and something happened as a result, and now I am experiencing this or that, etc...

Also I had this curiosity - how will this resolve itself? To me, where there is some kind of disharmony, conflict or a knot in communication, there can be two things happening: either people find this clear space, in which it doesn't matter, and to me this is where 'true love' happens between people, or between a man and a universe (they are the same really), OR the knot becomes an impregnable wall of separation and rejection. And it is not important what happens physically. People can drift apart lovingly or can stay and live together in tension and alienation. Somehow I trusted that no matter what will arise from it, there will be love, because I was coming from that place, and I was hoping I knew rightly that you are coming from that place. Now I am truly joyous to see how I can really not fear saying what I really feel, and this was one of the lessons here.

Somehow there is this fear of being true, a feeling... I won't be loved if I am true, I won't be accepted. This belief is crumbling and to me somehow it took some form here.

The funny thing is that one of the things I felt to do is ask for some down to earth practical example from life, so I can see what situation it relates to, and so I can understand better...And then something stopped me, and to me our interaction here is exactly the example of how things might look when people are being themselves and not trying to be something different from what they are. I wanted example - I got it hhhhh And also, there is a lesson, that if I am what I am it doesn't mean that things will be easy or feel 'nice'. So there is no reason to be real but just for the sake of being real. I guess now I understand what it means "truth is the price"...

Trinity's picture

    Yu wrote:"Somehow there is this fear of being true, a feeling... I won't be loved if I am true, I won't be accepted. This belief is crumbling and to me somehow it took some form here."

What a wonderful opportunity to embrace. This is something that a lot of people are working with... that, if they are true to themselves that they won't be loved or accepted. It takes the courage of a true surrendered being to embrace this. Because it may involve being unpopular. It may involve being rejected. It may involve feeling like nobody in the world gets or understands us. BUT we are REAL. It involves exposing who you truly are. Perhaps not everyone can accept that. It doesn't matter. Who are we to say? Most people haven't yet found the courage of a true surrendered spiritual warrior to fully embrace being true to their core. The fear is often too deeply embedded.

It involves casting away the need for any particular outcome. Not needing to be loved and accepted. It's when everything and everyone falls away and we unveil the unbridled beingness within, then the world will re shape around us as long as we keep trusting.

I embrace your honesty and probably 'see' more of you than you realise...

Namaste.

Ben's picture

For me this thread shines light on some things. Thankyou.

Yulia I feel a lot of empathy with you from my own experience. I feel resonance at one level. And yet of course no one fully understands you. How would that be possible? You’re unique. Who you truly are.

It does feel in your posts like there’s someone trying to defend a point of view. Yet there’s also a strong desire to express and discover your own truth there. I don’t feel very interested in the words, but for me quite a strong defensive energy comes through, and I wonder if you noticed that too?

There’s a question but I don’t know if I have the words. Perhaps you already know it? There’s a question about what it really feels like to be aligned... with the flow of the Universe, not to need to be anything or to be right or not right in that. There’s a question about ‘conforming’, what that maybe means. I know the energy that would sit in the middle of the road rather than move to the wrong side, (or even to the right side if someone else told them to!), would shout in the face of everything rather than feel suppressed and imprisoned. There’s real power in that, and I think there are different ways to work with it. Because in some ways the Universe doesn’t really care about right or wrong or standing in truth, that’s what I think, so if there’s investment in standing in one's truth or swimming against the flow then really you end up ‘playing chicken’ only with yourself.

So how much are we invested in being right, or more subtley in standing in our own truth (how we perceive it)? How much does it matter? Is there time to surrender that truth to the Universe too?

Love

B

Trin: Yes, yes, but it wasn't until I felt what it is like to be true to myself that I fully could see how all these things stand on guard and suffocated my beingness. It is really funny, like, what comes first? An egg or a chicken? And what comes first: being true or letting all these things that block go? Somehow they all happen together, otherwise something is missing and won't click. Just letting go is not enough, and just being true is not enough. It is like feeling what and where the veil is, and at the same time seeing through and spotting the 'truth' and then simultaneously holding the veil without judgment and without letting it 'run me' AND expressing the truth.

Ben, heya Smile
I don't feel I am defensive, but more 'struggling' with finding the balanced way to express and dealing with my stuff. There is an inner passion, an inner strength, and at the same time there is this "I can never know" thing. So how does one not turn into a sledgehammer and the other doesn't suppress what I feel is my truth. It is more my own inner struggle/attunement/clumsiness rather than one with those I am having a conversation with.

And how do I put myself through (if at all) when I experience some friction within myself and/or with the environment. How do I find the way to come without crashing others, but at the same time not compromising my own feeling?

Also I shared only one learning, but I had several processes running in parallel. One that I shared was the fear of not being loved, understood and accepted. I can tell about some of them...

I really didn't need to be agreed with or said "yes, you are right". It was more about finding the connection beyond these things that mattered to me. I didn't need that either and was ready for any twist, but at some point I felt this one is important and I focused on that more than on what I had to say, and yet, I said all that I felt is important for me to say.

I also had sadness coming up about the separation and the differences, and what is the meaning of being 'friends' and loving people without attachment and without needing them to be or treat me in a certain way. I looked at that and found my peace with any of the possibilities, one of them was being kicked out (so I suggested this one). I found some place in me that was complete with this option, like it wouldn't change the way I feel towards anybody involved. I thought, maybe I was disrespectful somehow (even though I didn't mean it), so again, came up some frustration about feeling unable to communicate lightly when there are some mmmmmm differences. And so I asked myself what is the problem? And it was some expectation that things will always be clear and smooth with people who are close, and I spotted and let that belief crash there.

There was a sense of loneliness, with which I have found a certain degree of peace over the recent years, but still, there are traces of some inability to fully digest the full on experience of it. It's like finding new shades of it in various situations and events. It didn't discourage me though at all, because I knew it won't take long until I will taste the other side of it, the one of togetherness, understanding and support. So I was just watching and waiting for things to unravel... But it might drop some shade too.

There were many other things, some of them having to do with a revolution happening in all aspects of my life now. So I was wondering whether I will be stripped of absolutely everything from my 'past', from who I was and what I felt was part of my life and me. And so it was like watching my whole life turning to dust, even things that I thought were the most real and deep and true. And I just let it all slip through my fingers and was watching what was falling off, and what was staying... For example, which parts of me that 'had to do' with Openhand, with Chris and Trin will turn to nothing and what will stay.

In short, it's like watching some rough stone with many facets turning in light, and there were so many things popping up, some of them as I was writing (typing). Some when I was reading the replies. So I guess you just got some salad of all of that there hhhhh

Ben's picture

Hi Yulia!

I think its a fine tuning. especially in the feeling and expression of truth. and I think that's how or where you'll notice where your expression is not quite your highest truth, and where it is. feeling, expressing. I guess your 'struggling' to do that was mirrored in the posts? I empathise with that! and perhaps other aspects were being mirrored too? It did feel like there was quite a lot around it.

I really honour your passion to expressing your truth, and also for staying on the ride when its throwing you around!
Biggrin

B
x

Martin T's picture

Yulia. Speaking Your opinion, no matter what, makes your Soul shine through. And your soul is always beautiful.
Love and Light from Sweden (-:

for all the words and even more for what I get between the words.

Deeply appreciated.

I'm so glad you've come far enough to see that something beyond the surface level is being offered here Yulia.

And to everyone reading, we really need to move beyond the barricades of spiritual correctness in order to delve deeper. Even if that makes some of the interactions we have here on Openhandweb seem uncomfortable.

Trinity and myself are simply not limited to working at the level of the intellect. It is our compulsion to work through multiple dimensions all the time. So when someone says or writes something, we're feeling way beyond the words.

The interactions are designed to catalyse and activate. Once you get beyond the ego, there are levels of very subtle and fine identity - I call it the 'shadow identity' or the 'imposter of the soul'.

The imposter is very clever indeed. It kicks in as we approach Enlightenment. It's a fragment of the soul that 'breaks off' and forms an echo of the true self hidden within the background shadows of our experience.

I wrote about it in Five Gateways. The imposter knows the characteristics of the soul. It could be for example 'spiritual correctness'. Or it could be absolute 'out-of-the-box' liberation. It could be the 'no-need-to-make-a-choice', or it could be 'nothing-really-matters-anymore'. These are often echos that lurk within our actions, and when they appear, they over-energise or de-energise authenticity.

Trinity and myself have the gift of being able to 'smell' them at a thousand yards!

But they are extremely tricky to 'smoke out'. Just as soon as the shadow is recognised internally, as soon as the 'tweak' is felt, the imposter trips the switch, spins off into another theme and disappears once more into the background.

So the universe has to 'prod' until the point of contraction reacts in some way. Then you're trusting that the person you're working with won't 'shoot the messenger' or just trample on the pearls being offered (so often the case), but instead, have the courage to notice and accept the possibility of a slight distortion - and then, rather than projecting outwards, to explore inwards.

So pearls have been cast here. Let's see if we can pick them up rather than trample them.

Chris

Martin T's picture

I feel one shadow of mine is "the enlightened guy helping others". It gets in the way of me realizing that i have far more layers to peel off. Maybe I can get better track of it by writing about it here. Like telling myself: I know you are there shadow. It feels like my main challenge right now is to take one step at the time. And that is a bit hard for me. I want it all now. And i know, that´s just like bringing in an expectation of the outcome that will make it even longer before moving forward...

Funny. After writing this I feel a strong urge to write about some progress that I've recently made. That´s another side of my shadow, telling everybody how good I'm doing. And maybe I am doing good, but why this urge to tell people about it? Very annoying...

Trinity's picture

As I read your post I felt a wonderful surge of 'wow' flow through me Martin. It's your honesty and willingness to peel away. Keep it flowing.

Profound self honesty is the one thing I would recommend above most else on the spiritual journey. It will propel you forth!

I love having you here.

It can be good to share 'good' stuff too... perhaps along with some little tips and hints that you've learnt along the way will help support others. It's great to hear when things are going well as well as when it is not.
x

There's no one more honest that you Trin (at least that I've met!),
So when those words come from you, they mean something.

Chris Ok

Martin T's picture

Thank´s Trin and thanks Chris. I will keep on peeling, and being honest. My heart is warm of gratitude for being where I am right now Smile

Sandra's picture

Great thread!
A lot of things are contemplated that I have been exploring over the last weeks.
Interestingly both my big issues have been spoken of..
1. that I am afraid that if I am myself and telling MY truth that it is not accepted and I am not being loved because I acted 'badly'. And also that the shadow or ego is very afraid of being spottet!! So I like to avoid telling what I really think because it is much easier and I stay in my comfort zone if I dont have to confront different oppinions or if I dont have to defend (not the right word) my sight on things. But I can see that this is just an excuse because if I am not telling what I think, I can tell myself that I am doing good and that I am on the right track because there is no one who could prove me wrong. Except my heart (which gives me a little sting every now and then to push me to confront the illusion I have built up)
2.Like what Martin shared that I feel the urge to tell if I achieved sth. or had a breakthrough, so that I can prove again that I am doing good and make progress...Why is that so important? --> Because otherwise I feel unworthy of living on this earth. I feel as if I have failed. But this feeling is so so so deep down that I often don't notice it, because if in general I check on how I feel about myself I feel comfortable these days. I feel love for myself I love my life and even if I hit rock bottom if I ask myself if I would do anything different or whether I am happy I can truly say yes. But then still buried deep down there is still the lack of self love and the need of approval of being right in a spiritual sense.
That is why I didnt ask the question that came up when I read this article the first time. Because I was afraid of being wrong (and therefore not being loved) and not being able to explain what I mean because language is so limiting and I often have the feeling that I am not understood by you, Chris and Trin. Because when I say sth. I realise that the words dont match to what I feel and your response is often also completely different to what I feel. And I know that I created this to learn sth. which is often different than the subject we were talking about. My sould knows this but not my ego doesnt want to listen.
So the question that I am contemplating lately is (this arose because I was watching some videos of a woman called Teal Scott, and she is saying that thoughts are the strongest vibrations and that if we choose to think and focus positively that then our emotions will change, as they are linked unseperately and that then our surrounding will change accordingly. As our vibration rises we will be a energetically match to things that vibrate at a higher state as well)
She also says that it is not about denying where one is on his journey. Like to say that if you dont feel love for yourself that you go on telling yourself that you feel love. Because that would be an energetically missmath, and therefore would give you the feeling of not being worth of love even more because you cant really feel it. So she advises to simply focus on the things that one likes about oneself. So to make tiny steps.
So the openhand approach is to accept everything. The good the bad and the ugly. And even if you are in some deep darkness, just go right into it and explore it, observe it so that you can move through it. But you are also not meant to get lost in it.
I was watching these videos carefully because I can see the danger of people thinking that this is the invitation to create your reality like you want it (ego based) but I dont get the feeling that this is what she is actually telling people.
So is it surpressing when I am in a process and I feel all the discomfort with it and not denying it but to feel the sensastions in your body and to observe your thoughts but then to actually change your focus? For example to choose not to tell yourself how bad life is or what others did to you etc. but rather choosing thoughts like ok, this is how I feel and how I think..does it serve me to think bad of myself or to have this attitude towards life? Is this what I really believe? So I recognise where I am but instead of wallowing in my darkness you focus on sth. good. Something that makes your souls sing, like a flower or nature etc?
It feels like a fine line between surpressing and not wallowing but basically helping yourself with a positvie attitude(which thoughts can represent in my opinion) towards life or the process one is in.
love
Sandra

Hi Sandra,

It would seem you're slightly misunderstanding the Openhand approach. Can you remember the soulmotion principles SAFE - particularly the F meaning "feeling in truth". So it means to feel without judgment. So you feel something - what the ego might classify as 'bad', but you work just to accept the feeling without classifying it. Then you become as one with it. Then ultimately you touch the void, from where authenticity can arise.

I think the danger in 'deciding' what to think creates illusionary realities. And to me, thoughts are the product of consciousness, energy flowing down from higher vibrations. It's just that they hijacked down the line and we get stuck in eddy currents of judgment. But intending 'good' thoughts is just another eddy current and another illusion.

So our approach is to accept, become as one with what is arising, but certainly don't dwell in the eddy current either. Once you've completely accepted, to the point you're not judging as 'good' or 'bad', then look for the flash of a new experience - a sense of 'rightness'. And how do we know if that is the aligned consciousness? Because it will be supported by synchronicity.

If we keep following this flow, if we keep softening into the tightness that arises, keep looking for and aligning with the synchronicity, then over time, everything comes into alignment - even our thoughts.

But no one is controlling. There's just a flow with everything in alignment.

Chris

Sandra you eluded to the same idea as Martin regarding sharing when you are doing well; Martin referred to it as annoying. Martin give me all of your successes and I will never call you annoying. When its coming from your true self its simply beauty. You can feel the difference when the ego is trying to create,its forced, manufactured, like when your watching a movie and the characters hair is blowing in the wind and you know its from a fan! I can remember many times in the past( I hope!!), seeing myself in a situation and thinking was that me? Talk about trying to create!! Personally I love hearing about perceived successes and I love even more perceived failures. I can relate and that makes it real,true.
I am grateful to have learned how to watch myself fall without hurting myself for it. Still working on what the rest of the world thinks though!!! Pleeese keep expressing and celebrating and we can all keep learning together. Love. Mike

Sandra's picture

Hi Chris,
thanks for your reply Smile
That is what I meant by saying to accept everything and 'if you are in some deep darkness, just go right into it and explore it, observe it so that you can move through it'. So no judgement of the situation whether it is good or bad, as everything is just an experience. But I find if you communicate with people you have to use words like good or bad even if it doesnt exist in the greater sense.
What I observed since yesterday is that the positive attitude arises on its own. I was sitting and observing the sensations and feelings in my body and with that the thoughts that came up. If there was a sensation of discomfort and my thoughts would respond to that in a certain pattern, I then observed that suddenly the feeling and the thought pattern changed into a positive direction which made me feel closer to my heart and centre. But I didnt choose the thoughts intentionally. They just popped up when I went into the feeling of discomfort.
I know that feeling of trying to persuade myself to feel a certain way. It doesnt fit with your emotions and it puts like a coat over yourself.
So what you are writing Chris, makes perfect sense for me and this is the approach that I try to live.
This sentence, I especially resonates with: 'then over time, everything comes into alignment - even our thoughts'
I realise that I am exploring the topic of choosing your thoughts, because there lies a blindspot for me. I never looked at it before because I felt it is a dangerous topic and that you could be sucked into an illusion and get lost. The worst thing that can happen for my ego is to live in an illusionary bubble and imagining all kind of things that are not for real. So I avoided it. But I avoided it in a way where I added some energy to that topic. Always the fear in my mind that if I think sth. that comes from my ego I create sth. that is not true. So it is really helpful for me to now go into that topic play with it a bit and embrace myself in the 'danger' of getting lost.

Hey, Chris

Just something that popped up for me as I was reading... I am taking the whole responsibility for what I am saying, and this is just things that came up for me.

To me the best interaction is equal interaction, even if obviously the person I am interacting with is less evolved than me (like kids, undergraduate students in chemistry, etc). I try to never come from a point of a teacher, a tutor or a messenger. I am just saying something and I am never sure about whether me saying something does good or damages, and whether I am right.

What good is in telling a kid that he is wrong about the basic physics because he doesn't know something in quantum mechanics and starting explaining him that? It just creates confusion, frustration, rejection and a sense of being dumb.

Of course, when I look back at myself in my 20's I think: what a moron hhhh, I thought I knew how things work, but I knew nothing. But in my 20's THIS was what I knew, and I had to live that and make mistakes, and learn and grow up, etc

Sometimes I feel like I am taken the opportunity to live my spiritual life and get a sense of some parent who would want me to be already enlightened and mature and smart, just like parents would want their kids to behave as if they have already lived their lives and became as experienced and mature as their parents. In the same way as children have to live and grow on their pace, hit all kinds of difficulties, get into troubles, get lost, etc, the same way, in spiritual life, we all have to live and walk it on our own. And my truth will evolve as I will evolve and grow.

So I always appreciate when somebody shares what he knows, what he have found, what he experienced, and yes, I can often ask what he sees, but then I would like to have the 'right' to find my own truth and to say that no, I feel differently, without being told that this is how I see because I am blind, or because I am not honest with myself, or because I have a shadow.

Is that possible to assume that it might be, that reality is different for somebody else and it is still as real as somebody else's reality? And is it possible to assume that you have misunderstood the person and have sensed something that has nothing to do with him, but possibly... yourself? OR you have sensed and said what needed to be said, but only to say something wrong to push some button around this 'wrongness'?

And also we go back to the old one: mirroring.

For me, the best way to learn is not through reading some abstract words about how things should be done, but through example. So what example is shown here? I am told to look at my shadow (? :\) I guess that if everybody follows this example, then we will all just tell each other what to look at, insist that we are right and that we see clearly, while others don't, and will end up with pointing fingers onto each other in infinite loops.

I wrote all these as my own contemplations and possibly, maybe, this is something for us to look at and explore together?

So I am saying again: you got me wrong. I am not rebelling and I am not "anything goes", despite not feeling I have any 'real' choice. If you have any more suggestions for me to look at - I'll be glad to hear, but with these two - they are just not true, ok?

So, to return the favor hhhhh, have you seen your own 'shadow' here? And I would be happy to know what you have learned about yourself from all this exchange, if you feel like, of course. I somehow feel I would learn more from this than from sitting and digging in what's wrong with me lol

(I forgot to add big 'bear' hug :))

Yulia, I sense you engaging through a shadow.
It's a tricky shadow. I've seen it many times before.
It wants to see the shadow in another and hide in it.

If you're asking to find me in this interaction,
you'll have to work through the shadow.
At which point, you may be able to bring me a gift too.

Chris

So what am I supposed to do if I can't see/feel it? Sad

(Finding Chris hhhhh it's funny)

Shadow is something that mimics the soul, right?

So if I look at some dominant aspect/expression that is coming through now, and will refine it, it might be that I will eventually sense it?

Or should I wait until something will trigger it to the extent it will become obvious?

Or both?

...

I am trying to look at something now, having to do with self-empowerment, inner strength and focus, like being able to watch whatever needs to be done, bring it some energy through attention so it can come through.

And I sense something of a loner there. Like I want to be alone, and don't want to be interrupted... Something to do with finding myself in this world. And here comes some tightness. But it's not clear around what. Confusing...

1/2 hour later: I also wonder, why is all this exchange is happening under the 'creating or being' thread?... I think I'll just give it some time.

A question: how can somebody not transfigured yet to deal with such a fine thing as shadow? It seems to me like a superman's task hhhhhhh

Martin T's picture

Mike. Thank´s a lot. You put the spot right on target and made me see clearly the difference between bragging and telling success stories from my soul. I will keep your words with me. It meant a lot to me.
Love from Sweden.

So if you'd like to explore the shadow issues Yulia, we can connect on your thread. I'm conscious that this one has already been quite diluted from it's main jist... The shadow of rebellion

Chris

donnasmith's picture

Thankyou Trinity for a lovely article.
For years I created a spiritual being for myself to protect myself from the person that my family had created for me since I was born. Then, thanks to many great teachers, I felt her falling away. I was scared but felt, I say felt because I believe it was truly out of my hands, the time had come. It has been a confusing time for people around me, especially those who found comfort in my spiritual ways. I could not explain how I was feeling as nothing made sense anymore. Now I realise that I just am and it just is, everything, peaceful, loving, everything.

Thank you for your article which has helped me to accept what has been and what is now my authentic me.

Donna x

Trinity's picture

I am pleased that it struck a chord Donna.
Thanks for sharing. I love your honesty... seems to move mountains.
Keep unfolding and expressing the real you.
x

rayko12's picture

It is the beautiful wording of this article that has sparked these questions in my mind, "Am I Creating or Being Myself?" I don't know, the shadow. It always sits there, patiently waiting for me to slip up, ALWAYS! And do I slip up? Well, where's the fun in not. What's point in a roller coaster without the ups and downs?
Who is my shadow?!? The one that mimics who I Am . Am I the shadow? IS the shadow me? Yes to both, I guess. Now Who Am I? I dunoo...
I just like smiling at the sun moon and the rain. Listening to music...and I've lost it now, good article! I'm gona find new tunes!!

Love & Peace
Rayko

rayko12's picture

Well there's actually nothing more enlightening than music. Just listen https://soundcloud.com/nnuages/dreams

It's free, I don't get it!! How can anything cost anything if this is free!! HOWW?!?! Seriously, I have to pay £2.50 to park my car in town for two hours, but this is free. WTF!!

Wonderful article Trinity, it's true it's not as easy as it seems when it bumps up against the curtains of those around us, and yet we have to accept that this too is 'in motion'.
Chris, can you apply this to a situation for me - "Can you remember the soulmotion principles SAFE - particularly the F meaning "feeling in truth". So it means to feel without judgment. So you feel something - what the ego might classify as 'bad', but you work just to accept the feeling without classifying it. Then you become as one with it. Then ultimately you touch the void, from where authenticity can arise. -

I am often willing and authentic, I understand synchronicity and acceptance, have many extreme experiences of physical empathic sharing and clair abilities in the absence of shadows, but when rushed to the emergency room the other day I decided I am soooo over the text book misdiagnosis of 'stuff' and answered their questions honestly and authentically. Not what they wanted to hear, so then empathy for their confusion and resistance ensues. All I seem to do is confuse people, when it's plain as day for me ; )

When the truth is not in the text books that they subscribe to and prescribe from... what then?

Hi Smiley - well you're getting the point - brilliant! Not many yet do.

I can totally empathise with your position. I find my self in similar situations often: you can feel the flow, feel the truth, feel what wants to be seen and realised, but others don't 'get it'. So it can make you tight. It's a blind spot you have to watch and expand into. It's all about looking for the feedback loop in a different way.

So it feels like there's a need for them to understand, for them to 'get it'. And it's to do with your gift of empathy. So being empathic means to hold the energy for someone. You keep resonating a frequency - the particular truth that you know and you're getting all the signs at a higher level that it's the exchange their soul is asking for too. So you continue to hold it in your vibration. They will feel it even if they don't get it at the level of lower mind.

All the while, your own being is looking for a feedback loop - some confirmation that they 'get it'. A feedback loop is totally natural, authentic and aligned. It's because an action of the soul will always be reflected in the mirror in some way. So an aspect of your soul is authentically looking for that, and it's not to be denied.

But I sense you're looking for your feedback loop on the wrong plain. I sense you're looking for it as some kind of positive acknowledgment on the intellectual plain. This will be an inner blind spot (of yours). It will likely contract you down - paradoxically, at this point, you're not able to be empathic. You're not able to catalyse in the way that you're meant to.

So next time it happens, keep holding the space, keep resonating the frequency of truth you feel, but watch for some other synchronicity or feeling at a higher level which tells you you're on the right tack. You'll certainly get it. Then you can close the feedback loop and feel the energy cycle flowing through your being. That's all you need. You don't need to be 'seen' in any other way. And even if they don't appear to get it, you will have fulfilled your service, a seed will have been activated.

I experience what you're talking about all the time - people seldom get the level I'm working with them at. So I just switch to a higher plain - I find 'cloud 9' speaks pretty well!

Chris

ChristiEl's picture

This is so helpful, Smiley and Chris. Thank you both! - Christine

"...Truth is not collective, and so is not rightness. It is individual, personal and diverse."

This is very liberating. Thanks for writing it, Someone Yulia!

Thanks Chris, that did make sense... (ironic smirk here...) hard not to fall when kidneys are screaming 'I'm in PAIN here folks, forget it!!

I'm glad you understand it at the level that I meant it. Sometimes I feel like they let me - the 'naughty' kid, into the advanced class ;)If you can bear with me I'd love to detail some specifics at that thing about looking for positive acknowledgement on the intellectual plane.

I'd dearly love to 'short-circuit' that plane, alas in physicality & particularly medicine and science - applied medicine and science, it's steeped in intellect for most practitioners. My 'argument' comes with flaws in intellect, stated as facts, made in an attempt to not accept the 'outside of the intellect/physical' reality - which is equally ridiculous.

See my medical history includes 'stuff' that I 'wish' they would either accept or forget when I need their attention, but I do, did feel after that maybe with two medicos I encountered in particular, one incredibly reactive to the 'stuff' on my file, the other asking more, albeit nervously and incredulously - I'm afraid I rambled in response. Morphine and my level of pain kinda acted like a truth serum on steriods.

I wanted them to work WITH me, not ON me, if that makes sense. I recognise that what we want from others is what we need to learn/give ourselves and the other. I recognise we are all instruments of each others' learning, and sometimes I am an impudent and impatient child in many ways.

When I was rushed in agony to the hospital this time, it's been a while since I haven't understood exactly what's happening with my body, and I needed their attention on the 'right now', the 'new information' of right now.

some were concentrating on irrelevant (& extremely annoying at the best of times) stuff in my file, and when that's happened in the past its had dire consequences. Ironically one of the irrelevant things they were looking at was the removal of my gall bladder - might be consistent with me having gall stones as a cause of my pain

- the gall bladder was removed and found to be perfectly healthy - it turns out my allergy to alfalfa of all things mimics gall bladder pains. so when they say 'you've had your gall bladder removed... somehow the you've had a 'perfectly healthy' gall bladder removed gets missed off the analysis... and it's kind of important, don't you think? Sure if they wanted to go test for gall stones, go ahead. It's not the 'content' that rattled me, but the process of ignoring the full truth, the full facts, which is how I ended up losing a perfectly good gall bladder in the process.. see my dilemma?

when you have a ridiculously high pain threshold because you're used to accommodating your and others' pains and not reacting, by the time one realises it's a) yours, and b) serious.. it's kind of an emergency like I experienced the other day +++ kidney infection ignored in the earlier stages.

Even as I collapsed on the bed, the room spinning and breath hard to come by in excrutiating pain, as a first response and acknowledgement, I was still 'checking' if it was mine - getting my partner to call members of my family and eliminating everybody else and their known ailments. once this was eliminated I knew we were looking at 'new information'.

Then they want to go through my history and the looooonnnnnggggg list of 'ridiculous' reactions to drugs, and wonder why I'm reluctant when the issues and the reactions I already know are not in their text books. So the other day I just blurted the truth, in response to why didn't you notice it earlier? --- "well, because it might not have been 'mine'.... "

(I get, in a comedy routine type of delivery how 'funny' this might have seemed in the circumstances)

??????? How could it not be yours?...

Well, I feel others' pain, I'm empathic
What does that mean?

(am I really going to go here.. say this?? reaaaallllyyy? ok you asked, here goes...)

- It's things like - I've been thrown physically backwards toppling on my chair hitting the floor from the force of a friend being shot in the head 8 miles from where I was and at the exact time, (me screaming and holding 'my head, my head' before realising that it wasn't 'my' head...).
like... I was doubled over and went 'black' with the blow/s when my daughter was hit by a car and killed, 2 miles and at the exact moment, and I 'knew' if her school uniform was on her bedroom floor she would be okay.. it wasn't. Synchronicity had lined up exactly ....

like... I experienced my Granny's heart attack, 12,000 miles away and at the the exact moment...

I feel other people's stuff.... why wouldn't I think it might not be 'me'. ( I didn't actually mention I can share information between planes and 'share' experiences of those who have passed over so I can communicate what happened for their loved ones Wink

it means... I've been rushed to hospital with other people's symptoms, which includes being doubled over in agony, exhibiting a boyfriend's bursting appendix,

I didn't know we'd been admitted to the same hospital, different wards, at the same time, I was young and didn't immediately realise it wasn't 'mine' (sure felt like mine Wink

after his was removed because it was unhealthy and had burst, while medicos were confused as to my absolute authentic 'reaction' to a burst appendix that my body was going through with a perfectly fine and healthy appendix in-situ, once his was removed I was fine - groggy from the/his anaesethic lol.. but fine, and they wanted to do invasive and unnecessary tests and procedures, which I rejected and refused, which they thought was an outrage, an argument ensued, I just wanted to be left alone now to sleep off the effects.

On my chart now are all these not so normal queries - is she neurotic...no, the witnessed pain was real, all the symptoms without the cause. Is it an over-active imagination?
Hello folks... imagination has a 'feel' on a scale of burst appendix?????

Why can't they just put in my notes - empathic experience of a burst appendix? - Why can't they - it's the truth, and it is such a biatch to have to go through all the other crap that it's not.

It also includes a much more complex one - 'dying' on the table when my son's birth went haywire when he suffered C2 spinal injury and started to leave my body - spiritually, before they removed him physically, and I followed him... classic nde experience and the knowledge of what was happening with my son back in his body (and for everyone else around us)and I was still out of mine
- as he was resuscitated without them knowing his injuries and assuming it was related to a drug they hadn't even given us yet at the time that we 'left'.

accckkk what a medical mess that all made and my file is full of lies of non-explanations

I also have a listing of my refusal to have an 'ectopic' pregnancy and tube removed which at the time was also quite a mess with them telling me I couldn't refuse, it would kill me... I don't profess to tell anyone else to do as I did, but I 'knew' that my daughter was just a little bit stuck, and she'd likely (and did) come through. Painful, yes, fatal, no.

That pregnancy was also fraught with the 'medically impossible' in my navigating the pregnancy from her perspective of needs - if that can make sense - haemmoraghed 9 times, in labor 16 hrs a day for 7 days a week too early for her already ridiculously early arrival. That she was born breathing, and perfectly healthy, if tiny, at 28 weeks - which I knew if I could get her to exactly there she'd be fine.... of course the file has 'ectopic pregnancy'... which isn't viable...

and she is now a mother herself :)and that had me in all sorts of a mess knowing it wasn't 'me', but the feelings being all too much when her bub got stuck and was in distress, and then later when she was bleeding out on the table, ... in a 36 hr labor (hers) I did really well to only call twice.. at those exact moments when I could stand it no longer without clarification that they knew what was happening. Apparently that freaked some folks out too.. how did she know...
.... how indeed.

We have worked out a 'system' between us, my mum, daughter and me, we call and say I've got a feeling.... but sometimes that's not possible and it freaks people out with our timing in calling the emergency room or hospital to check if someone is in there in distress (and of course they are) bit like turning up at the scene of my younger daughter's death with the emergency personnel unprepared and saying it was unexpected as no one had 'notified' me. I just followed my heart.

So you can imagine the mess my file is in and the issues some in 'egoic' authority have when I present... and one of the medicos this time wanted to discuss gall stones as a possibility for my pain, and the drug that was not involved in the nde... but is written up as if it was in the most ridiculous way (as in a)I left my body and stopped breathing for 45 minutes before it was administered, and b)tests for reaction afterwards came back negative for reaction...so discussing it as a reaction contributing to my not breathing is even intellectually RIDICULOUS!!! - even more so when one is in acute pain ; )

This one wanted to discuss it, but only if I accepted the text book version, and the untruth of that for some reason this time just jarred too much for me to gloss over. I get that it's a jump from the text book version to reality, but the text book version is not reality.

Maybe it just was the planting a seed, goodness knows my path seems to have been tracking alongside medicine for long enough Wink

This doctor seemed in all sorts of anguish and pain... I know that's an aside... as a result ironically of her following the text book instead of her intuition and the result ... well there was a little boy following her around and pinching her on the thigh whenever she second guesses herself. I don't think she understands though.... it's not in the text book.

...maybe I should write a text book for practitioners Wink

My Granny was a seer-healer, and I'm a seer-empath, I don't do well with 'modern medicine' at all.

Humorously though.. not long ago a friend was doing a Masters in Psychology and she used me for one of her testing exercises - multiple personality disorder evaluation... she had to clarify my answer to one question about seeing / hearing people that 'weren't there' (or that others couldn't see/hear) as the question was a bit muddy and her supervisor queried my honest response... she said it was so funny saying to her supervisor --- 'oh it's okay, she's fey' and the supervisor just nodding.

... why can't that be the way? When the truth really explains a thing why do people insist on making up crap that doesn't fit and then forever have problems with it and need to argue it over and over? It makes no sense to me.

I'm like a child sitting in the back seat of the car of medicine and science going around and around the same block and me saying ... are we there yet? are we there yet? It's right here! as they drive straight past it and around and around the block, saying, no that's not it, it can't be... Then sadly and plaintifly whispering... When will we be there then? ...

BEING me is not a problem, I have no choice in the matter, but yes I can see when I fall from grace is this area... the combination of my own physical pain and their ethereal pain... becomes too much --- funny wordplay I become the impatient patient Wink

yes, a number of medicos have, through journeying in love and compassion with me on some of my journeys become amazing, insightful and bright shining lights of love and compassion and wisdom in medicine, and some of them already were and I was blessed to fall under their care.

Patience... seems so unnecessary in the wider picture lol!!

I have no idea about 'cloud 9' .. I just be... I'd appreciate any wisdoms to the specifics if there are any.

much love & I'm feeling a bit better physically so it's safe Smile lol!!

at Chris... yes, it does...

In answering another post I just noticed my own expecation ~ reality journey.
Right up there at the top .. I want (expect / prefer) them to work WITH me, not ON me. Wink
I want the 'truth' not the text book version, alas they are working within their capacity with the text book version. ...sigh... Wink

You can't fight it!

Chris

True of all things Chris.

although I'm curious which 'side' you think I'm on/against.

rayko12's picture

Did anyone listen to the tune I posted earlier?

Trinity's picture

If you posted a tune on this thread Rayko, then I can't see it here.
Was it something you created or something that was inspired through you?
Trinity
x

rayko12's picture

No, I gave a link to a tune, Dreams by n u a g e s (https://soundcloud.com/nnuages/dreams) I found it to express my feelings about this post much better than all the words this mind can muster.

Rayko

Daniel's picture

Yes I have some two weeks ago. Really nice and deep, also the talk of Alan Watts, very refreshing and interesting. The tune itself feels like it has ability to realign oneself with the spirit within. Really liked it and thankful for your link.

rayko12's picture

Smile

Myra's picture

I listened to the dream music - loved it - I danced around my kitchen!
Love Myra x

rayko12's picture

°hugs°

divinespark's picture

Thank you for this most inspiring article, Trinity, and for all the insightful discussion, which I found so helpful in clarifying the truth of my own journey. I completed a popular Feminine Power course in October with over 1200 women from around the world. Many of us went on to create a Facebook group to maintain contact and to support one another in our transformational journeys. The Feminine Power coaches taught us power practice techniques to help us identify false beliefs and ways to tap into larger, universal truths such as belief in the goodness and support of the Universe and how to align with that support. We were coached to behave as though we believed in these higher truths even if we don't actually feel this way -- even if we still feel victimized by our conditioned emotions. Then apparently we miraculously begin to co-create and manifest our true, powerful, feminine selves in alignment with the goodness of the Universe. This message of course ignores the power of our unconscious beliefs in imprinting the illusionary outer reality we experience. I briefly got caught up in the "ra-ra" cheerleading atmosphere and in the forced rush to create and manifest our true, radiant, Goddess nature -- but quickly withdrew when I felt the dissonance of the message. Thanks to previous Openhand articles and videos, I was able to hold onto the Big Picture of my soul's transformational journey: that my higher self has already chosen the perfect experiences for my soul's evolution, so I do not have to artificially manufacture, create, or manifest a more fabulous and enlightened version of me than what I already am. Yesterday, I posted my feelings about this very topic of "creating you or being you" on our Facebook sisterhood site. Some of the responses indicate genuine gratitude for this truth. Other responses suggest that I am not being as action or solution oriented as I could be and that it would help to step-up my evolution. Trinity, your message about "creating you or being you" is so very needed in the world today to counteract the prevalent "sell" of spiritual teachings, that like the instant gratification of fast-food, one can create and enjoy the "rush" of fast Nirvana. I will continue to spread the truth of your Openhand teachings. With deep gratitude, Catherine

Ester Azeredo's picture

Thanks for this article!!! Blessings & Love!