My experiences

For the last couple of weeks i have been going through lot of emotional and mental pain with frustration anger and dissatisfaction. I was with the belief it has got something to do with my life situations and hence wanting to move on from my current place and work. Now i get that my situations only acts as a trigger to some pain seated much deeper.
Last night when i went deeper into the pain i had the experience which is think is karmic related. I have had this experience maybe even from childhood but this time it was much more intense. I did not experience any physical pain as such but it was very much like being tortured or killed. Please pardon me if im drawing any false conclusion. I had the fear of going deeper with it and couldnt think clear because of the mental fog or chaos i was in. I havent got any idea really how to deal with this pain or experience. This morning i was left with the same old uncomfortable feeling. How long would i have to go through this until i can find an opening.

Vimal

Comments

Hi Open,

Today i went ahead and made myself honest as i possibly could. It wasn't easy but i was glad i could do it. Unfortunately she dint share least of my sentiment and couldn't understand without resistance. I know she blames herself for my lack of enthusiasm in giving into the societies ways and all the 'misconduct' i have done. I really expected more. The anger made me think i want to do it just for the sake of being disobedient. I wish i could behave openly as i wish. There is shame in being dependent still. I guess i'm merely looking for agreement - this and many other things. I hope get the full picture in the future. Yet i feel something has definitely unraveled. There is pain in the third eye and crown area probably psychic attack and i'm working into the acceptance of it.

Now when i think about it i have many unspoken agreement with other members of my family - like this is the way to behave or otherwise things would get uncomfortable. Would it help if i intentionally challenge these norms ?

I do breakthrough breathing meditation many times in a day. It very quickly calms me down and i feel self acceptance. And i certainly enjoy spending an evening in nature than high in weed. But i like to get reckless sometimes and be curious and go for a little change when things get a little too repetitive.

How to really tell if a choice is from the ego or the soul? So for instance in the above discussion the initiation for me to have expansion seemed to me came from the ego but it eventually led to me to contemplate honesty in relationships. (My sacral chakra was beating while i wrote this) So it seems to be more of a soul oriented decision.
2 years before when i was without a job in another place i was with the belief that things should arrive to me which stopped me from going out and getting atleast a part time job which would have made things easy then. Things did eventually arrive which i would have never imagined me doing which tested me mentally emotionally and even physically. So was i right even when i was wrong? The decision to leave that place and job and to travel shifted things internally quite a bit. But then why and who made that choice?

Hi Vimal.

There is immense truth in the question you are asking. Indeed, who is that is making a choice?. Is there a 'who' at all? If the ego is the part of us that gets attached to the drama, then does it really exist as separate from the soul? We often hear that ego is an illusion - yes, the identity is an illusion - but the pull to act from that place is not because that's coming from the karma that you have and therefore is an authentic exploration.

That's why often, as you have observed, there may be elements of both ego and soul in choices. The two are not really separate - as Open says 'the only thing going on is self realisation'.

I hope this makes sense.

With love
Rich

Hi Richard,

Yes that makes sense. I have always considered the ego as separate from authentic self and to be avoided even. Nowadays i see that its only the ego that's trying to avoid itself and what wants to happen will happen. I used to feel and still to some degree regret of taking ego led choices and classifying it as some mistake. I see i actually have a choice whether to give in to the conditioned behaviorism or urges and thoughts in my head and the choice is purely based on which serves me better.

It's a great exchange indeed!

In the Openhand Approach choice is ultimately an illusion. You're going to make the choices you're going to make - all based on the conditioning of the ego and then the interplay of soul emergence. It's important to surrender into your choices, because only then, can you rationalise and resolve them with awareness. By bringing awareness into what you do, helps see and feel the ego, which you can then work to unravel by expressing the authenticity of the soul - felt as a sense of rightness.

Why do we make choices?

That's an interesting video. The most obvious question is how can i trust the ego to make any choice. I guess i will have to figure it out by myself. Also with intentions , i think i know that in the Openhand approach the intention is coming from the ego. But if that's the case what about intention supporting the spiritual growth like that to fast or be honest in relationship for instance. I think I'm judging it by the outcome from it than the bigger picture.

Today I'm contemplating the supposed obligation and responsibility between father and child. Is that merely the conditioning of the mind? I talked openly with my father about it. We don't talk much so it was very difficult. There was pain in my heart chakra and was difficult getting the words out. But that's how i know I'm moving in the right direction. I know he expects me to be a certain way and i expect love and support in return. He is someone i guess you could call a classic non - dualist , so his replies was more suited in that way. But i could tell it was difficult for him also. But for all my effort i couldn't really find an easy opening as in the prior cases.

I know everything's not lost.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN8WQOHsNx4

PS : I love the new 5D shift header

"How can I trust the ego to make any choice?" - great question!

    The point of the video (and this philosophy which concurs) is you're going to make the choice you're going to make anyway! Although you could go into denial and not do anything. Much better to dive right into the obvious choice that presents - that you've clearly manifested, whether distorted or not. It's only by diving fully in, that you create the reflections you need to see - then by challenging what you've created, starts to bring about realignment to a greater rightness, governed more by the soul.

Then you ask: "Also with intentions , i think i know that in the Openhand approach the intention is coming from the ego. But if that's the case what about intention supporting the spiritual growth like that to fast or be honest in relationship for instance."

In the Openhand Approach we work to draw the distinction between mind led intention and soul inspired impulse. The two are very different. A mind led intention begins with a preconceived idea about what you're going to do, based on a perceived need. A soul inspired impulse is is something that arises as a sense of rightness coming from beyond the small I needs, wants or desires. So as you rightly point out, an authentic impulse to be honest in relationships for example.

Finally, with your father, if there's no 'easy opening', then the likelihood is there's no pathway - at this time - for the souls to dance in realisation. In which case, the exchange might be stilted and fruitless. If the synchronicities and reflections tell you this, then it would be worth exploring what the neediness or sense of obligation is? However, if a pathway clearly wants to open up naturally, which is supported by synchronicity, then the likelihood is you're aligned with your soul and the exchange likely to bear fruit.

Namaste

Open *OK*

Hey open ,

I love it when im in the flow realizing , expanding and creating new pathways. However the ego quickly owns the new expansions and now im chasing some lost dream. Im back in the old ways and there is frustration cause i cant express as i want to. There is constant pain near the heart and solar plexus. I keep reminding myself that i dont have to try at all singing the chorus of the song "Colbie Caillat - Try" in my mind :D . And as you point out there's no way out of this either and its better to chase it than do nothing at all. Still i can see the pathways opening upto new ways which i would have never imagined with my mind. Also if im not mistaken i think im stepping onto the gateway 2 corridor.

Yesterday i was meditating in my favorite cliff top and i was working to accept the karmic pain in my pelvic area and out of the blue this teenager wearing a leg casting came and sat near me and he had this big smile. Here he was with a dozen other medical condition, alone at the top of a mountain(!) with a inspiring positive outlook towards life and a love for adventure and cycling with Danny Macaskill for an idol. Damn, suddenly all of my pain seemed so small.

This chorus of the song spoke to me yesterday that im looking for some savior to take away the density and grant me with what i want forgetting that its all just me!

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?
And who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

With love

Vimal :)

That's beautiful Vimal - yes, there's nothing to do but confront the pain and turn into it. Let it break you down, so you can touch the free flowing soul. You're doing amazing my friend - just keep right on going. *ok*

And as for the song, it touched me so deeply - thankyou from the heart for sharing.

Open *give_rose*

So paradoxically it means surrendering the illusion of choice is the best way to progress faster and not by figuring out the best choice. I'm back at being just the observer of myself. Simple yet profound.

I play football on weekends with my friends. I play hard and effort too much. I try to perform and in the end feels so exhausted. Its probably some conditioning i picked up when i was younger.I have tried to play cool but it just wasn't me. What i suppress always comes back. Fortunately meditation recharges me back again. Today a fellow player indirectly teased me for trying so hard for something so trivial. I see that he was just me and I'm judging myself. Its amazing the universe works this way.

Open said "Much better to dive right into the obvious choice that presents - that you've clearly manifested, whether distorted or not. It's only by diving fully in, that you create the reflections you need to see".
Yes i get it. And its our self judgement that prevents us from diving in. Im bringing light into it very slowly step by step.

Im glad you loved the song open. Thank you for saying that, if I'm honest it meant so much to me it coming from you.

Love

Vimal :)

Hi Vimal,

Awesome that you've come full circle (or should I say spiral?) back to simply being the observer.

That's a very interesting thing you shared about playing football with your friends. Brought up a lot of reflections for me. I have observed in myself that there has often been a competitive drive to do well. Not to win, but to perform well - in fact I've often been teased for remarking after games that we lost how much I actually enjoyed playing. But, I digress. This competitive drive to perform, I've learned, has it's route in aligned expression - it is coming from the Ray 1 warrior.

In order to excel and be excellent in anything we have to effort, be committed and driven. However, where it gets distorted is if we get attached to an outcome such as winning or performing well. I observed when this was happening in me, that I found that I was no longer enjoying the game. If there is attachment to outcome, then the raptor energy can come in and try to dominate, or win at the expense of others.

So, for me, a life motto I've learned to embody is, 'Take life seriously, without being serious'. When I play competitive sports (mostly basketball for me), I will always put 100% effort into my performance and try to do well. But, I will keep it light hearted at the same time, laughing and joking with my team and even those on the opposing team too. For me, this allows the masculine warrior to come forth without getting attached or being pulled into the drama.

Thank you for brining this up and allowing me to reflect back with my own experience.

Richard

Hi Richard,

Its great to connect with you. I had the impression no-one would relate to what i shared. Clearly i was wrong. Yes i agree its the warrior energy being distorted felt as the neediness to perform well. The temporary happiness of achievement overrides all joy of just playing and it gets buried deep. I like what you said "Take life seriously, without being serious'. Its the conundrum of separating the wheat from the chaff of being committed but surrendered. Laughing with teammates surely keeps it light hearted even making funny body movements helps.

Vimal :)

How best to resolve a conflict between mind and feelings?

I believe i give my full commitment to the work that i do. Yet i think im being paid way less than the average. But i dont feel that im being treated unfairly. Its partly because i have chosen a minimalist life style compared to most and part of me is afraid and confused to speak up for what it means to remain jobless in my home. Part of me has concern for how they cant afford it and confused if its necessary. I have always abide by this quote "If you cant make a decision ,then dont unless you really have to" I could remain like and this and take it to the precipice when things would resolve on its own. While writing this im getting the feeling that i have been comfortably sweeping it under the rug. I know its not about which decision i make but the process itself and surrendering into it. But then is there a need to make any choice at all. Sharing here has brought some of it into the surface. I usually courageously jump into my stuff. But i had the insight today that a part of this is an illusion. Its just the mind wanting to rush stuff thus avoiding the pain.

Hi Vimal, the first thing to say is keep going! Keep exploring, keep inquiring, and above all, keep being honest with yourself. Awareness always finds a way, even if you slip into fear for a while - that's okay, as long as you're honest about it and not sweeping it under the rug.

Let's deal with some key points of Openhand Philosophy that pop out of your post...

  • The nature of outcome and not efforting: I know this is often misunderstood when I write that it's not about the outcome, but the process itself. The paradox is, there would be no inner process at all if there was nothing to commit to in the outer. You'd just become listless - comfortably numb, or in a comfortable and safe degree of temporary bliss. Things will come up on the path to go for and to commit to. It's in committing, that the inner process is activated. So go for things yes, but work not to attach to a particular outcome - work not to get owned by the outcome. But there will still be an outcome, and it'll be magical if you're aligned with the soul.
  • If you can't make a decision, don't make a decision until you really have to: Yes this is another key aspect of Openhand Philosophy. Sometimes the way forwards is not clear. In which case, the soul will 'prod' and explore but not commit immediately. I observe this natural reservedness happens because other events in the flow must fall into place before the right moment arrives. But the ego can easily own this which solidifies as vascillation or procrastination. I'll often hear spiritual people say, "it didn't feel right" and use it as an excuse - didn't feel right to whom? If we're truly honest and open to the flow, then you'll feel that moment of commitment where action becomes necessary and invited.
  • The path resolving by itself: Sometimes if you hold the space with active awareness and you're consciously engaging in all the steps that are unfolding, then a blockage in the flow (of your life) will resolve itself - yes. But again, it's important to be honest with oneself: "am I procrastinating because I get tight around saying or doing something that I'm uncomfortable with?" In which case, the step forwards is already clear and revealing itself - step in the direction which causes the tightness, then work into it.

Vimal you began with the title "Conflict between Mind and Feeling". Yep, this is a really big one on the path to resolve and find alignment with. When flowing with the soul, impulses will most likely come in from Higher Mind first (5th Density), then work their way (quickly) down into the causal body within the 4th Density field - by the Law of Attraction, the causal body weaves together the threads of reality into the 'garment' of the next moment to be worked with - you'll feel a heart-felt pull to connect with people and places. It's important to allow this impetus to guide the show. Only then does the building creative action come into lower mind.

    In an aligned process, lower mind is NOT about telling you what to do - that's already been decided by the flash of spontaneous higher knowing and the heart-felt pull. Lower mind is then about telling you how to do it.

So trust in the flow is paramount. Feel it, pick it up and go with it. Yes you will hit karmic blockages and tightness in the lower vehicles - especially the mind. Keep reminding yourself of the initial impetus, commit to that, then work with the tightness that arises - if lower mind gets busy and resistant, pay attention yes, but don't let it govern what you do. Then over time, it's grip on the creative flow will soften into a very useful tool, but not the driver of the process.

Blessings

Open *OK*

Hi Open,

Thanks for the insightful reply. It was not comfortable reading your post and it did shatter some illusion i was holding on to. I see that im holding back and its due to fear of losing whats comfortable for me. I dont genuinely know what to do and i particularly like to be in this juncture. Its incredible how suddenly can things change. There is huge pain and infection in mhy chest and solar plexus. I have been denying it for too long. Iam hesitant to following the pull ,its partly because im confused whether its coming from the heart or the mind. I hate to work too much. I always think why do i have to work if i can be content and happy in my space and with what i have and still progress. I dont know where this is coming from either. Im only being untruth ful to myself because i cant genuinely see what i cant see. When awareness comes all dishonesty disappears. And im holding back only as long as i think i was progressing. Suddenly it feels like everything has been turned upside down.

When you say go for things did you mean going for whatever that i feel to do or that pops up in my mind. I always rethink or analyse if its the right thing to do or if its a genuine pull. I dont know if this is holding back. But that brings in itself a degree of freedom that i can do whatever the fuck i want. Im not choosing the easy option but only looking for that which brings fulfillment. But when i think about it there wasn't particularly anything that ic ould say i denied the pull.

I see this exploration didn't necessarily concern with what i do in this particular situation and im given to prod and explore further because the path is not really clear. That relaxes me down a little bit. But the words that repeatedly comes to mind is doubt and confusion. I feel like i should move from here for a while and get some perspective. That i have been denying myself.

Gratitude as always

Vimal

It is really amazing, the precision of expression and explanation in the comment! <3

I wish I could see and apply these subtleties before :D It is such complicated trial and error process..

About the mind:

I think in my case the lower mind has a lot to do with protection and alarm, apart from other functions, such as translation and condensation of information into more primitive, but more communicable forms. I didn't know how to use this thing.

My mind was always hyper-active. It can be a great enemy and a weapon of separation and destruction. But it can also be a friend, a companion and a great support system, if it is allowed to and properly applied. So when I feel it begin swirling and the confusion sets in, I know there is some kind of bug in my system. Like computers, when the program has bugs, it doesn't work properly, it gets stuck, gives weird results and it can crash the whole system. But it is an invitation to debugging! It is great. I now understand that it is an ALARM. When the mind goes "WOOOOOO!" and it is as if the whole field begins to lift up and turn into a tornado...

Often there is something inside that is unseen that triggers this instability, but then it is up to me, do I begin to swirl with this tornado, or am I going to go like "Okay, okay, I hear you. I am on it" and then all parts of me converge into one point of focus and are "committed" to the current task. The mind then settles. It was heard. Consciousness-wise I also focus the beam, but not to one point, but in all directions, including in and out, up and down. I also dive "underwater", and start watching, listening. Underwater is silent. All noise gets dampened there. And from there it is comfy to watch what are the undercurrents of what is going on. Subconsciousness and unconscioousness is full of messages and hints. In general, it is this alert openness to everything that is going on inside and outside. The mind can relatively relax then.

From this point everything that happens or doesn't happen - is just a kind of movie I need to live through, full of all kinds of experiences, cues, messages, choices, trials, and find the answer out at some point. Because there is also this tendency to want to understand and get the answer right now, something childish. But... then it is boring and it has no value, if it is just easily landing once I want it to. This is just a shallow tail that leads nowhere and doesn't really cause real transformation and change. And also, often it is not just one thing, but a web of interconnected things, that needs time to be unravelled, seen, EXPERIENCED, in real life, and aligned, eventually. It is not something theoretical to meditate or contemplate on. But it is understandable that it tries to help in whatever way it can. I didn't know that it is up to me to let it know how it can help, rather than totally surrender to whatever it is doing. Like, who is in charge? So for me, what helped and helps still is my ability to communicate with all parts of the system. Once they are more or less open, aligned and balanced, things can flow through. It is a sort of mechanical work, to bring the "radio" to the state it can get and send signals/energy, or, in other words, get aligned and not stay lost in shshshshshsh (incomprehensible disconnected noise).

It has also a lot to do with slowing down, slowing the mind down to the point it is able to take part in processing the events in the pace they are happening and not rushing it (with questions, contemplations, rationalisations, attempts to plan, guess, make premature choices and so on). When it is TOGETHER with other parts, it is then of great help.

This was about the mind hhh

In general, about conflicts:

I found it was never a conflict of the mind with the rest. It is parts of me that are in conflict with other parts that, unresolved, drive my mind crazy, because it doesn't understand these conflicting contradicting signals and impulses from within.

The way I see it, the lower mind works on binary system: 1 or 0, true or false, yes or no, etc. So it is the first that gets alarmed when the signal is unclear, asks questions and it is the last that gets the result of all the processing and does the output. But if I load it with the rest, with things that are not binary, it just burns itself out. It can't do it. So it is a lot about knowing where to send the "problem to". We mistakenly send "tasks" to the lower mind, and we overload it with unresolvable problems. Then we suffer its suffering because it just can't do it! It is like asking a computer to cook for us, something absurd like that. But instead of stepping back and realising that we sent it to the wrong "processor", we insist and try, again and again. It is madness.

Today when I feel some kind of inner conflict and confusion, I know there are parts of me INSIDE that are in conflict, some of them are probably are totally "out of the picture" (I can't see them at all) and that probably some pain (and, possibly, external mess) is going to be involved in the revelation of the truth or dead/malfunctioning/injured parts of me or, maybe, there must happen a construction of something that was never there before, but the emptiness for that thing is already there, it is aware of itself missing and then there is also a sense of conflict. It just feels wrong, something is missing. The mind cannot solve it!

If I want to act as a whole, I need to see the conflicting impulses inside. Then there is a process of connection, between the conflicting aspects, "negotiation" between them, fusion (unification) and application. The mind can only use the already processed material, and it can do it only IN THE MOMENT of actual application, when the signal goes as an obvious 1 or 0, when the choice or the experience is happening. Not before.

About feelings - conflicting feelings/energies, if left alone to live there inside, and if there is a unifying, accepting, spacious consciousness to help them have the time and freedom to come into a balanced relationship, there is no problem. You just hang with them and make sure they can "communicate" until they find how to exist together. Usually it ends with a beautiful feeling of fusion and harmony. This is how I am experiencing it.

Hi Vimal - the great thing is you continue to be honest - that's always going to work in your favour.

A couple of things:

- always look for the truth in the distortion and set that free. So for example, you say you don't like to work too hard. So maybe there's a truth that you don't like to waste your time doing meaningless things? The point being to explore deep into what "don't like to work too hard" really means - not just a blanket statement. When you find the truth, it begins to focus forwards.

- authentic doing arises from authentic being. So work on what you feel would be more authentic in your beingness. In any moment, confront the tightness and unleash pure being - then step forwards from there.

Don't worry too much if you find yourself living very differently from society, or not apparently doing too much at all in the beginning. It takes a lot of time to switch from a life led by doing, to a life led from being. That's plenty of work in itself. Then when this resolves itself, things to do will start arising more frequently.

Blessings

Open *OK*

Hi Lia and Open,

Any illusion of thinking that i have reached a particular place in the path has been painfully blown apart,Thankyou. I was really frustrated and angry before. I lost my cool so to speak scratching my head and walking wildly in my room finally deciding to head to the cliff and watch the sky. Things did cool down there.

Lia,thankyou but the only amazing thing is that i spend way too much time feeling into what im given to write. Words dont really smoothly flow for me. Its partly because of the neediness to be articulate yet i try my best. For instance just before in the cliff my mind was busy rambling on what to reply for the thread. I hope one day my ramblings will be precise and expressive. My mind is hyper active most times im in the mind but i dont mind! Im less attached to it than i was used to. I really like what you said about the bug in the system. Its kinda like that and mine needed a lot of debugging!

Now that its debugged its kinda clear what was happening. I thought i needed time to prod but when the situation arose i spoke my truth. I recognized the pull but there was great hesitation ,its not because i was afraid but there was questioning of the authenticity to speak my truth. It seemed real too and seemed almost to override the initial impetus. The impulse was coming from the heart and it was getting stuck in the lower mind (solar plexus) on the way down due to distortion. No wonder i had(still has) infection in the chest and tightness in the solar plexus. Really interesting!

Open, thanks for decoding my judgment about working hard. I knew while writing it that there's something in it but didnt commit to ponder further.
You wrote "Am I procrastinating because I get tight around saying or doing something that I'm uncomfortable with?" In which case, the step forwards is already clear and revealing itself - step in the direction which causes the tightness, then work into it.
Yes i think i was just procrastinating but the impulse didnt feel strong and it was just easy to side step it. Its also partly because i thought it wouldn't make much of a difference. Im learning and i welcome change.

Love

Vimal

I'm receiving lots of signs and synchronicity while travelling. Its joyous to observe this. At many times I was st the right place, meeting the right people and asking the right thing. The one which really moved me 2 days ago was when I received help out of nowhere just when I thought I was left back. And then I received this message on this t-shirt `I got your back always ` It was really heartwarming. This build trust greatly. I'm sure many of you here experience this daily. Really why wouldn't this happen in day to day existence ? I have observed that these usually happen when I was presented with a difficult choice and I'm invited to surrender - accepting all possible outcomes thus breaking g through a constriction. Right action follows then. The Bruce lee quote comes into mind ` Be like water `. You have to be malleable enough to flow with the soul and ordinary existence is constructed with such expectations and rigidity there's hardly any flow.

Hi Vimal,

You're absolutely right on about synchronicity...

    "The Bruce lee quote comes into mind ` Be like water `. You have to be malleable enough to flow with the soul and ordinary existence is constructed with such expectations and rigidity there's hardly any flow."

The ego is most often coming from a place where it expects reality to be configured with a given set of rules: "I have to do this", "I need to do it that way", "I have to purposefully shape reality to make something happen". A lot of this is subconscious - but nevertheless highly creative. So it shapes the lives we've come to expect and been conditioned to.

To truly taste synchronicity in 'ordinary' moments, in day-to-day life is to be open enough so as to approach every moment expecting there to be some kind of divine guidance. Then to follow this.

If we do - the more we do - the more it becomes like living in a stream of synchronicity.

Wishing you well

Open *OK*