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Using higher perception to help you through life's challenges. Find out more...Consumed by my own demons..
Submitted by Spurious Thought on 31 July, 2006 - 16:48.
Sharing your journey...
“Just sit somewhere in nature and just appreciate things.” The tall boy with curly hair was a year behind me in school, putting him at around fourteen years old. He had finally relented to my pestering about “how can I do these things” – knowing people’s ailments, seeing the future and giving people “readings.”
Immediately after school I went home and sat in a rope swing my father had made from a piece of madrone tree branch, which was suspended from a large pine tree in the lot next to our house. I followed his advice; I sat there and just appreciated things. Each day I went to the rope swing after school and continued my newfound endeavor.
On the third day, something happened. A beautiful feeling of peace and contentment started with a tickle in my stomach and enveloped me in its loving arms. It touched me deeply and yet, I had no idea what it was or where to go with it.
For the next four years, I bounced in and out of this bliss. I meditated spuriously, had near mystical experiences as life unrolled its knowings to me. Yet as an older teenager I left it behind for more ‘important’ things like a job, girls and finally college.
The next fifteen years of were lessons in the hell of disconnectedness, which culminated in divorce and addiction. I apparently had a karmic lesson to learn about control and manipulation as I was rewarded with a spouse who was a master at them. However, the responsibility for my woes sat cleanly on my shoulders, because I stayed in the marriage out of some choice.
She was responsible for her actions, but I was responsible for my own feelings. The control she took was only the control that I gave up; I could have left at any time. Instead, I chose to lose myself in a deepening spiral of pornography, extra-marital affairs and depravity.
Somehow, somewhere, I knew something was wrong and yet I could not stop. It was only when this all-consuming beast threatened to destroy my second marriage that I found the necessity to do something. I felt vile, ugly and a freak. I asked my wife for help, but to do that, I had to tell her the truth about what I had been doing. That was, without equal, the worst night of my life.
By some grace, she decided to help me, when by all rights, she probably should have left me. I found a twelve-step program for just such addictions and worked the steps as if my life depended on it.
It was then that I faced my worst adversary – myself. I had to examine my belief system and understand where this duality came from. The answers were not pretty. Nested deep within my formative consciousness was the belief that I was not as good, as smart or even as lovable as others were.
The roots of this came from I don't know where. When I examined it, I realized that conditions and behaviors conducive to this had been passed down through my family for generations. Both sides of my family had been plagued by manifestations of various addictions. Though logically, I could see the pattern, I could not dispel these deep identity based beliefs within myself. I had made a lot of progress, but I was not free. It seemed I was doomed to forever walk in the shadows of addiction and shame.
One day, when I was walking by myself, was able to consciously detect the very thing that I was running from. At that moment, I made the decision to face these demons at all costs, even if it risked my sanity or life. I sat alone in a park and meditated. I found that part of me where that belief lived and took the plunge. I pushed my consciousness into it.
It was an illusion; It vanished like breath on a cold day. I was free. This feeling of new found freedom was quickly replaced by rage. I now saw that all the pain and suffering of myself and others was for naught. Something happened then; The rage left me and I suddenly felt like I was meeting an old friend I hadn't seen in years - myself.
Over the next two months, I slowly wakened. Spontaneously, with increasing frequency I was filled with a bliss-like joy, a sheer happiness at just being alive in the moment. My meditations took me to deeper levels until one night, I felt a rush from the bottom up out through the top of my head that filled me with a deep loving serenity. Since then, every moment has been magnificent and I cannot conceive of any conditions that could occur in my life where that would not be true. To me, this is the true way of things and any negativity is merely illusion.
I have exacted a heavy price on myself and others, yet my wife tells me, for her, it was worth the returns. I know now, that this is the only way I can stay ‘sober’. I make amends by helping others find the path.
peace
Welcome to the forum!
Submitted by Trinity Bourne on 31 July, 2006 - 18:38.
Welcome to the forum Spurious Thought. My eyes began to fill up when I read your sharing... you tell of a deep and awesome journey. I notice that the most powerful awakenings seem to come after one has experienced much pain and turmoil! It is warming to hear that you are dedicated to helping others find the path.
Abundant Blessings
Trin
x
The process I followed
Submitted by Spurious Thought on 1 August, 2006 - 17:38.
I used a 12 step program at first and then developed my own set of spiritual philosophies/rules.
In the 12 step program, the first step is one of the hardest. It is an admission of the depth of the problem, focusing on the powerlessness and insanity. Its purpose is to make us see the reality of our problem. In most cases, we see that the addiction started in childhood and the roots were even deeper in family culture.
The fourth step is very powerful. We make a “fearless and searching moral inventory.” We examine the causes of negative emotions (anger, fear, shame, etc.) and their origins. I discovered a theme within myself of feelings of unworthiness and being unlovable. Not only was this ultimately what I was trying to avoid by way of the addiction, it is something I see in just about everyone to some degree or another.
The eighth step is where we make amends. As long as it will not cause harm to ourselves or others, preferably in person, we make amends. This is not necessarily an apology, nor is it for the other person. It is a vehicle for us to try to undo or make up for what we have done.
Let me digress for a moment. In my opinion, addiction has to do with stress and self worth.
Self worth is one of the reasons that people choose duality. We are so afraid that who we really are will not be liked/accepted that we go to incredible lengths to be what we hope will be.
We look around to try to establish a means by which to measure our worth, and only come up with a set of rules or value statements, some of which are downright bizarre. We play all sorts of games drawing faulty conclusions from people’s reactions. Look at how much money is spent on vanity and conformity.
The problem is self worth is not measurable - because it does not exist. Worth is a completely human concept that is subjective at best. Recognizing this, in my opinion, is a very important part of attaining enlightenment.
Combine that with physical stress and emotional stress caused by fear of losing attachments and you have a recipe for severe emotional distress. We quickly learn that if we do certain things or utilize certain drugs, we can keep ourselves from having to resolve these internal conflicts. In doing so, the conflicts are never resolved and new stresses inevitably come, thus the need to increase that which will remove the feelings of stress.
The human mind is so good at optimizing connections that eventually, we are not longer aware of the root stresses and instead, we just feel a compulsion to get our fix. This is when it becomes dangerous, because the addiction has passed into the realm of the subconscious. We are now on auto-pilot and often not completely consciously aware of what we are doing or the risks we are taking.
The 12 steps get people out of addiction, but still are chained to the meetings, because without the addictive substance, talking is one of the only ways to deal with the feelings of unworthiness and stress.
This didn’t seem like a complete solution to me. I started taking notice of the times when I felt furthest from my addiction and kept track of what was going on inside of me. From this, I distilled a set of rules to try to follow (in no specific order):
1) Live in the moment, nothing else exists.
2) Do not worry about the future, because it is yet filled with infinite possibilities, most of which I can’t see.
3) Do not worry about the past because I can do nothing to change it.
4) Do not worry about the things over which I have no control, because any effort I expend worrying about it will be for naught.
5) If I can effect change on something to make my life or someone else’s life better, then do it.
6) Tell the truth to myself and others.
7) Look at situations in life optimistically.
Do not get caught in obsessive emotional feedback loops. I often would get myself upset about hypothetical situations where I would try to examine every possible outcome and stress myself out.
9) Help others when I can, because not only will I feel good about it, it will come back to me.
10) Meditate. Try to carry the relaxed, experiential state throughout the day.
11) Realize that my worth is immeasurable, therefore feelings of guilt, shame and self-loathing are not only unnecessary, they are irrelevant.
12) Follow physical discomfort to its source and realize that it is just sensation. Once I do that, it is no longer uncomfortable.
When I follow these steps, I am free of addiction. I view my enlightenment as almost a necessity and very much self-made. I wish I had a spontaneous awakening when I was younger. I would have saved me and other much grief and pain.
-- Spur
Give evil nothing to oppose and it will dissolve of its own accord.
Centre in your absolute authentic reality; dissolve fear doubt and worry; walk your true path in life..."Unfolding into Light"
Insightful sharing
Hi Spurious Thought,
Thankyou for this wonderful and insightful sharing. There are many parallels between what you discribe and my own experiences. I know that many people wil have and will be experiencing similar and so your post will be a great help to many.
May I ask what processes did you use to get rid of your addictions? Also, how does your spirituality work in your life right now?
Best wishes
Chris