It's been a while since I first noticed and got to really feel that the mind is much more than just this noisy machine, a 'talking head' with myriads of thoughts and patterns that literally often rule and define how I feel. Its influence on the whole body is enormous.

So now the mind is spread all over the body and I can really feel where the wires are going within the body. It is fascinating! One of the most amazing details is the feeling of the disconnection of the natural pathways through the body. It is like I can feel how let's say a certain point in my belly is disconnected from a pathway going from my chest to my base chakra.

I feel this wires, blockages and disconnections especially during yoga and the kind of meditation when I allow the breath to spread and go wherever it wants to while emptying myself with every exhale.

The interesting thing I found is that I resist the mind, as if some part of me is in conflict with it and its patterns. So I am working to resolve this conflict and NOT removing the wires by just bringing awareness to it and also to my resistance to it and softening into both. I might say that I am working to do nothing (paradoxically ).

It is as if some part of me wants to solve it, but it actually allows it to persist. So I allow it to persist and spread all over, consume the body, but not me.

---------------------------

Another thing that I got a shift in perception of is my physical body and its features (including impulses, pains, demands, etc).

It is NOT MINE! and at the same time it is a part of me. It is just like the earth I walk on, trees I connect with, other people I am communicating with, a table, a chair I am sitting on, etc. It is here in my experience, in my landscape to help me. It is actually given to me so I can be here on earth and go through all these things. It is a gift, a friend, a companion, a loyal and selfless assistant on this journey. It is like Gaia itself, totally giving itself, a warm and kind host.

It takes the pain (i.e. the earth takes the pain), it stores all the stuff I am to process. The body is this genius incredible machine that has myriads of functions in the universal evolution.

And I just felt so grateful to it and thanked it from my whole heart and.. then... I hugged my leg :S as if it was a friend or something.

It was very heartwarming experience to feel like this about the body.

Well, I shared it all I guess.
<3

True love as I experience it has no distinctions. It is just a state, a vibration, energy.

But still, it changes in this world, as if taking certain forms and shades depending what kind of energy I am coming in contact with. So while there are people I resonate more with or maybe not at all, maybe sometimes shielded by unpleasant sensations or resistances, but still, love is always there.

There are particular people with whom this feeling of love has its most intense form: infinite, unlimited, unconditional, absolutely beautiful state I find hard to describe. We might disagree, we might not see or talk to each other for very long time, but this feeling is always there, with these particular people. As if we are not separate, they, their energy is somehow always in my field. And I feel my heart is opening wide and getting huge when I connect or even think of them.

I wonder. Why is it so? Does it have to do with the frequencies and resonance? And why is there this selectivity ? We are all connected, so why do I feel such intense connection with these particular people?

It landed on me that with them there is no difference for me between us. It is like I am them, they are equally important to me as me (if you know what I mean).

I was wondering if there is some explanation to this...

I just want to say that this whole evolution doesn't stop to surprise me.

We are talking about the same things here on the web for years, but comparing my previous experience and understanding with the current one makes me smile.

It is much deeper, much more complicated and therefore fascinating, more painful, more challenging, more everything, than I thought. I couldn't possibly imagine that I would feel this kind of grace surrounding me, I couldn't imagine I will meet such... beauty that will make me cry and cause such heartache.

I still feel that this plane is a cruel and tough place and I still feel a foreigner here, I am still sad about it, but I am now ok to stay this way. I am also honored for being granted the opportunity to live so toughly hehe

There is a strong sense of polarity in me that is growing and I probably would be torn to two if I wouldn't stand right in the middle or at least somewhere around it. And I believe, I believe in something in me. And I am afraid less and less, despite getting to feel more of everything.

Funny, the more I live the less I know in my mind, feel dumb, but the more I know in my heart and I even don't know what is that I know hahaha I just know it

I guess this summarizes it all well enough.
I keep going... somehow...

Big hugs to everybody,
Yulia

I am sharing, with some alignment:

Something is changing big time!

I still can't really articulate. I can say now that all my speechmakings about spirituality, presence, letting go's, etc look rather ridiculous and irrelevant now.

I wonder, how deep can it go? It is just incredible!

--------------------------

In detail:

I feel like detaching from some kind of bubble I was holding on to so tight, as if I am loosing some protective cocoon which was blocking me from really feeling, really experiencing, and as if some blinding veil is being taken away and I can finally 'see', while realising I wasn't really living, I wasn't truly seeing anything at all. I was blind like a newborn kitten and naively believed anybody who said what reality is like, what life is like, what I am like.

I now understand why it is impossible to describe this kind of metamorphosis. Any descriptions fail. You just have to feel it for yourself. If I had only one word to make it as clear as possible, the word INNOCENCE is the only word I feel I can use.

It feels like all I want now is purity, openness, simplicity of being. And I don't mean 'want' as a desire, or as having some vague purpose somewhere there in the future. It as a constant inner prayer immediately coming true. You might say that that they happen simultaneously, 'wanting' and 'getting it'. It is hybridized state.

And it feels like all the rest is worth nothing, absolutely nothing. Knowledge, understanding... are nothing, and all confusions and worries just have no place to exist anymore in their usual form. The nature of questions is also changing. There are no questions, but I feel as if something in me is opening, some kind of curiosity or mmmm I don't know... just an opening with a ?, and then something is happening. The challenging part is that there is a mental cracking going on all the time, it feels like something is getting broken in my head and all over the body, almost an operation on my brain kind of feeling. So at this moment I have memory problems, problems with focus and articulation. My brain is wiped out. I thought is had to do with insomnia, but now I sleep really well and still have the same 'processes'. So it's just the mind cracking I presume. I can see that loosing my wallets was part of it. I feel as if becoming like a baby, have no idea about anything hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Very funny

It seems like whatever I ever had, whatever I have and am now, whatever there is in my life - are all ashes, empty shell. The wind is starting to blow, now gently, and I can see it all dissipating, disappearing, losing its meaning and value. There is no value in any of this life in itself. It is not a philosophy, it is a striking realization, a feeling. Just like people feel and experience their reality, I feel exactly like this the disappearance of reality. It turns into... mmmm... nothing... into.. just ME. I can't really explain. Maybe the good way is to say that I feel like everything is IN ME, I am holding it all within myself, or I am all of it? A total smearing all over. But I am still afraid of this state and contract back a lot. Then the veil is back. I am again looking and feeling through some filter.

Energetically it feels like I am being decomposed, like parts of me are falling off and there is just some kind of clear space left. It doesn't have any constant quality or sensation to it, it constantly changes. I just don't know what it will feel like in the next moment.
Still getting used to it.

Physically I am quite a mess at the moment and also I am having hard times with expression. It looks the opposite of what I feel inside. Because the defenses are down, all the automatic responses and behaviors are actually surfaced, including those I thought are gone, but truly I just learned to suppress them, replaced them with some other more nice mechanisms. What a bunch of lies! So at this moment I am either totally not communicative, OR I just watch my old me in action. Spooky shit hhhhh But I am accepting it and watching it all.

The only time when I am able to be the new me is when I am alone, after ~ 2 hours of yoga and meditation and in nature, in silence. The rest of the time, I am a liar, a fake. It is not my fault, and still, I feel to apologize to all the people I am interacting with, maybe more to myself, and I forgive myself for that too.

Many things are falling into place now. My life is all running in front of my eyes, since my childhood, all kinds of sensations and experiences. Disappearing... I also feel scared a bit by this feeling, like some ghost.

Everything looks and sounds weird, like my name. Somebody says: Yulia... And I feel like: WTF?!

LOL

And I am sooooo happy that it makes me cry. Happiness attacks full on hahahaha

God!

I am crying now again...

All the unbearable pain, years of feeling imprisoned, not even understanding what is wrong, tortured, tired, desperate... Now it all is being covered by a golden mist, it was all worth it.

Such peace.

I am going home

How do you do that one? So cute!
I am still so clumsy with the net, but I can do :P

Huuuugs <3

I am sharing the sharing:

For the first time in my life, I am in love without fear! It is such a blessing, a beautiful, innocent and open thing, a miracle. I am still releasing all those little monsters that I have built to protect me from who knows what, from myself, from feeling, from love, from life.

So after a couple of dark dark days, which were also fun, I am reborn again, renewed, more free, more ME. It is so intense, this crazy combination of incredible profound self-love and the sense of peace and completeness, feeling like the whole universe is clapping hands and dancing around joyous about my tiny steps, and this loving and being loved back, and being able to express that by just looking at each other, by kissing, by touching, by laughing about our weaknesses and bugs, and all those little things that suddenly feel so magical. Like some absolutely amazing feedback loop is created. We amplify and uplift each other in our joy, and it feels like it is too much, but then I soften more, open more and this laughter of liberation, pure happiness, not held, not owned, with just rare flashes of fear to lose it. I let go and here I am streaming up again, and at the same time, falling down, into the body, into the feelings, everything feels so full, so meaningful, every detail, every sound. A divine paradox again, a mysterious trick. How fun! I learn so much and I am so grateful.

And I am down on my knees in appreciation of this marvelous creation - the world, where ethereal things can become so real. With all the pains and sorrows, I feel great joy and an honor to be landed in this weird land of tangible illusions and I begin to get how to play this game. Woooohooooo!

I am sooooo happy! And I feel like I would give it away, so that the whole world could experience this divinity, to share this joy of being alive and real with everybody.

Oh I got now message from the universe: I am already sharing it hhhhhh Funny me...

-------------------------------------

And interesting thing happened, I feel it is somehow connected to my opening.

I found two seashells in the desert a couple of months ago. they were hard as stones and I thought that they are probably prehistoric, from the times when there was a sea in the desert. I put them in the bathroom, because I thought they are beautiful and they were there all this time.

Yesterday I went into the bathroom and saw a snail crawling on the mirror. I tried to figure out where it came from and then I saw that the two prehistoric seashells are not in place anymore and I have two living snails crawling around my bathroom.

I let go synchronicities interpretation long time ago, unless they are obvious, but I feel something about this one, some big message. Dead seashell from the desert coming alive, two dead seashells...

Very interesting...

-------------------------

Ok, now I need to integrate all this stuff hhhhhh and some processing and letting go want to happen too.

Much love,
Yulia

I am crying now.

I am crying because I can't go on like this anymore. I feel sick, nauseated. There is no judgment, just a sense of tension, a built up frustration, for years and a feeling that I just don't want it anymore. I can feel how I am holding on to things, the tightness. I am watching myself for months playing these silly games, being unable to be real, to be me, to feel and express.

I just feel I am crashing here. I go out into the world and come back like a wounded animal, exhausted.

I want it to be over. I want this inner war to be over. I am softening and accepting, but there is also something in me that I just can't ignore anymore. Fire, I don't know how to hold it anymore. It just wants to burn it all on the way, to blow everything.

During a couple of last days I am going through a very intense processing. I feel like I am brought to the edge of my endurance, physically, mentally, on all levels. I feel so tired. And I don;t know what force makes me keep going, what resolve is that, to go on, to keep crawling. And I feel happy, in the background of it all. Very happy.

Since yesterday I am being brought to look again on that neediness, wanting attention and looking for love and safety. And my legs are so painful and if I go into that, I just start crying and feel tremendous anxiety and like I am trying to get out of the body, flee the hell out of it. Very intense.

The funny thing is that today is a SWEAT LODGE day!

All of this reminds me of Transfiguration course 2011, where the same stuff came up and the legs...

Sweat lodge in Israel, WOW!

People, I want to be free. I just want to be free from all of this. What do I do? Booohoooo

for your uplifting words!
It really makes me feel joyous to know I am not alone and there are people who I am connected with in a such a deep, truthful and beautiful way.

Sending big love <3 <3 <3

It got doubled after editing :|

OK

I am reaaady!!!

On one hand, letting go the striving and the tightness around doing it all right. On the other hand, I have missed some of the focus and commitment. So how do you do that? See the landscape, focus, hold it in my awareness and committing to that without owning it, without getting tight around it?

Relax and flow too much - and nothing happens, there is no challenge, there is no change. Get tight too much - and you're trapped in control and ego runs the show.

So I am refining that gentle balance and can finally see what I am invited to do. I've been wondering for months already, I am doing such intense inner work with myself, and I am really devoted to my soul, to the universal power, and I really can say I do my best, honestly. If I deny something - it is because I just can't see, I am blind, and not because I am after the comfort of lies or a slave of my fears. I just don't see.

And yet, for months I feel this laziness, lack of motivation and purpose in my life, feel stuck, stagnating. I already know that this is just the feeling, and one day I suddenly see what I've been through and how long is the way I've made.

Anyway, I was not sure what and how, but now I can see I knew what to do for over a year already and was gradually moving towards this potential. I can see exactly what I am invited to do, and it has to do with even more intense filtering of food, stuff, people in my life.

Key words are simplicity, purity, silence and facing more hardcore patterns and blockages.

So after months of feeling I am doing something really not right and running away from my destiny, manifesting it as people dragging me away from what is right and good for me, dragging me into the denseness, back into the lie, into the noise and the shallowness of existence - reflecting myself dragging myself away, I am now ready to take the next challenge, I feel. I have gained some strength and inner resolve, processed some heavy blockages and attachments, learned a lot about myself and I feel I can move on now.

--------------------------------

What I feel to do practically is:

1. Food - despite knowing that cooked food causes an obvious damage to my body, buries my emotional stuff and numbs my sensitivity to my soul, I kept eating it once in a while, until recently it turned into an every day practice. Now I am having some old problems back - acidity in my stomach, inflammation in my shoulder, pain in my limbs and a very fogged, almost drunk feeling. Also, I was beginning to feel that all that high-fat gourmet raw food also just feels not right. There is something unnatural to it, something manipulative and exploitative. I've been exploring it and learning to discern between a pure joy and enjoyment of simple foods nature has to offer and the hedonistic kick I was having when eating some gourmet dish. The difference is huge. Pure enjoyment feels connecting, calming, very earthy and grounding, whereas the distorted pleasure feels more like anxious excitement, fast, somewhat predatory and never really satiated.

I also began to feel that there is a lot of weird things around me, like oil. This is not the way nature has made it, so why would I eat it? And other products that I know that if I found them in nature in their natural way - I wouldn't eat them, so why would I eat them at all?!

After these contemplations and shifts I was brought to read 80 10 10 book and was totally resonating with what the guy is saying there. I observe the effect of food on my physical and spiritual state for years now and he just nails it all.

So today I ask what feels natural, simple and right? I consult not only my soul, but also the body and earth.

2. Filtering and purifying my life and environment, treating myself well - I am prone to self-destruction and self-harm. I know this one well, but it hides under all kinds of guises. Since I stopped doing it so clearly, it became really subtle. One of ways for me to hurt myself is to eat what I know will hurt me, damage me and will make me suffer, the other way is sleep deprivation, another one is meeting people who discourage, disempower and hurt me, and the last one - I sabotage my truth.

So now I feel I am ready to let that game go. I don't need this anymore, I feel. This simplicity, softness, self-love, they are infusing into my life and there is no place for some people, activities and behaviors anymore.

I am streaming down to the core issues from my childhood and teenagehood, and there is a lot of pain and emotional baggage to be surfaced.

Detoxing the body and environment are crucial in this kinds of processes, and I am going to be there for myself this time, I am going to fully commit and whatever doesn't serve won't be allowed in.

As usually, I am completely on my own in my 'real' life, but I do have many inspiring and supportive people on the web, so I trust I will be just fine

While I felt an inner determination to finally start what I felt to do for months, I was still quite questioning and looking for some more pieces of sync to be sure I am not getting lost here.

There were no bananas lately in the organic store, and I thought that maybe it was a sign... of what? What did it mean? Then I processed some self-doubt and self-shrinking and felt that I am ready.

Yesterday there were a lot of bananas, but not ripe enough. So I knew there is still something to look at, some resistance? Doubt. I felt doubt. A questioner was there, and a spiritual identity, that kept telling me "this is too strict", "this is too extreme", "this demands rigidity", etc

Then I looked at those and realized that strictness are the boundaries, extreme is when you fly high and don't get satisfied with some disempowering consensus and rigidity is commitment. I have picked all those nuggets of gold from the swamp....

And today I was supposed to go to the uni, but the bus 'took off' right before I arrived, so I went to another bus stop to catch another one, but somehow found myself going to the store and...

THEY WERE THERE!!!!

Piles and piles of ripe perfect bananas!!!! It never happened before, ever, in all the years I live here and go to this store.

And I knew it, I knew it - it was a gift! and an approval.

I had tears in my eyes so moved I was.. by these bananas hhhhh

Wow

I know that to most people what might sound silly, but to me this is really horrible.

I can't stop crying. And it's been half an hour already. I can't even work on non-identification or anything. I am just crying and crying and I think it will never stop...

What happened:

An old friend with whom actually not much is left in common, asked for a favor, to sleep over because of some situation he had. I agreed, even that now I understand I was light-minded about it.

I arranged him a futon couch...

No shoes in my place, I mean shoes you wear outside and he knows it. Also I have only one room, so my bed is basically in the living room. Plus my place is really eco-friendly. This is my safe space, you know, clear space, the little I've got hlip hlip

In the mornings I always do something to help myself to get into the body and start the day in some nice way, physically and spiritually. I do meditation and then yoga or dancing or workout, whatever feels good.

So the following stuff made me collapse:

1. During meditation his phone started beeping. I kept softening, but he put a hmmm like delay, when the phone is beeping every like 5 minutes or so so I asked him to stop it at some point.

2. I don't know why, what is the reason, but out of sudden he decided to get dressed with the help of my bed, i.e. he put his stuff on it and BROUGHT HIS SHOES there! :O Just how did he think he was supposed to pass through the whole home of mine after he put those on? I donnow ;'(

3. So I felt like OK, this is getting too much. I felt my space violated. This is my bed!!! I mean. I feel like I am going to faint now. I raised my voice and told him No, no, no... Not on my bed, please and no shoes, please.

4. So he went to use the bathroom. I already was in the middle of intense workout, breathing heavily. He got out and I felt it right away. I started shouting in panic: "Oh My Gooood!!! Oh my Goooooooooooooood!!!" and bursted in tears before I could even formulate what happened.

And what happened is that he used a spray deodorant, REALLY, I mean REEEEALLLLY a lot of it, like I could see a cloud filling my bathroom, the chemical one. So just as he opened the door - it just totally blew me away, got into my lungs, into my mouth. It was everywhere!!!!

I felt the taste of chemicals, I couldn't breathe. He said he was sorry, and he probably was a bit traumatized by my reaction, because, well, I couldn't imagine, I didn't think about it, so I never said about "no chemicals in my place", and so on.

Now all this is not so important. What IS important is that I feel that not only my space is rudely violated, but it is as if everything that is important to me is violated. How can I explain? As if the only place I can hide - the Matrix has got there and poisoned me, laughed at me. I feel like I have no place to go, and totally confused, about what was triggered, what is to learn, what is to realize and what is to let go of.

When all this horror happened, I got suicidal attack. I couldn't believe this. I felt like just fleeing out of the body, out of this place, away, disappearing. And I was feeling this most of my life, until I started to evolve spiritually, consciously. But I still have it.

And now I am sitting here and feel lost, I don't know what to do. There was laundry drying in the bathroom and now everything smells with this horrid thing. God, can't people smell it? What is wrong with the world?! Anyway, I don't know if to wash it again and restore the rosemary smell it had, because I added rosemary oil to the water Or to leave it in open air and wait until the stench is blown away somehow?

I need to use the bathroom and can't go in, because my mouth immediately gets the taste and I begin to cough (my forgotten chronic bronchitis lets know, I guess this thing irritates the respiratory tract).

And in general, I just feel I don't know what to do, totally disoriented, shattered, disempowered, smashed and ruined.

------------------

There are some threads I see flying in the air, apart from the stench particles hhhh (right, crying and laughing together lol)

1. For example, he is the only friend left who can help me out with things. I just have nobody else. For example, if I need some help at home with something I can't do, or anything... And I've been asking for over a year whether my connection, the last bits of old bond with him is to keep or to release, and move on fearlessly. So there will be nobody to help. Ok! Something somehow will just work itself out.

2. Another one is about respecting myself and my space. Because my main anger is about him not being sensitive and not respecting my truth and my space. BUT! The truth is that he is only mirroring my own disrespect and the lack of sensitivity towards myself. I felt ashamed of saying no to him and felt like in debt for all the help I was receiving from him over years. So I couldn't really feel out what to do and stand with my truth, what feels right.

3. Maybe it is time to write some funny list, like "We don't wear shoes in this house. We don't use chemicals, and anything not friendly to the environment. No dead animals of any kind in here..." and I mean this list is like... Come on! Maybe I just should look really well at the people and feel out well who to let in and who is better hang out on the outside, in neutral territory.

4. Another important pieces floating that haves (haves? ok, I really need to breathe and center somehow hahaha) nothing to do with this event, but are connected, I feel.

*There is a huge blind spot around this topic, but I feel disturbed and hunted by men. I won't extend, I guess a session with Chris is needed here...

**I don't have washing machine in my place, because there is no connection here (water/electricity). So I was dependent on Danny before he moved in with his girlfriend. So I went to my mom, but forgot to bring the natural washing gel and softener and so my laundry was washed with chemical substances and I felt really sad about it. It felt not right. I was checking on laundries available in my area, but again, they all do chemicals. I considered hand washing, but in 4 months it never happened, I just never had time or strength left to do it, so I ended up with endless piles of laundry.

Again, this feeling dependent and then violated, poisoned... I feel it has to do with my childhood and how my mom was torturing us, waving with this 'we're little and helpless' until I grew up and 'hit back'.

I just feel awful now... and at the same time happy, because it was always there, this sense of being small, helpless and tortured in this world, and my inability to defend myself, because I can't fight these things, I just can make my choices, the best choices I can at each moment...

And I feel... so broken and weak.

And now... Ok, I won't let it break me. It is raining here, sounds of water all around

Wow!

ANd I have green smoothie waiting for me, and I WILL dare to go into the bathroom and take a shower, bravely. After all, I am not this body and what this inability to breath (another spike)... I mean this event just had to push ALL the buttons?! And bring ALL the karmic stuff up?!!

Right.

Shower.. hhhh

-------------------

Somebody help

I did exactly like you say

I as usually started talking to myself and said: Ok, just relax now, have some fun, what do you want to do? And then later, I promise, we will look at all of this again. But now - just breaaathe hhhhh

Thank you, Trin!

Big hug <3
xxxxxx

I always believed that whatever I am presented with, I can handle and that this is a matter of choice.

I feel humble now, after almost 48 hours of crying and crying, well, with some breaks to eat, wee and sleep, and feeling the most horrible and intense pain in my life, maybe because I can feel more now.

I know exactly what is going on, I know where it is coming from and what to look at, but if yesterday I thought it was too much to handle, then today I was shown what it is really too much.

And there was nothing I could do. Nothing. Not to stop it, not to do anything about it at all. It was far beyond my ability to hold the space for myself, to find lightness, to soften, or any of this. The only thing that was there is some traces of awareness, popping up from the fog of complete insanity, pain and despair.

The only thing I could find to help myself is an old habit, old addiction - I cut myself. This is when I felt the relieving numbness, as if I got some shot of numbing drug or as if I am half-dead or dead.

I was looking at all this and I felt betrayed by benevolence, I felt deceived.

And then I got it: I had a specific idea around how benevolence would work, how I am supposed to feel and behave, etc

But the thing is that... maybe I wasn't meant to be a big spiritual hero and DEAL with it. Maybe I was meant to experience it exactly how it was. And who said I was supposed to be all nonidentified?

And wait a minute, who is deceived?

And then I got it. My ego couldn't FIX this, because it enjoyed the game so much, it was busy with the emotional fireworks hhhh It didn't want to be spiritual suddenly. There was something much more fun to do. And this is where I got to see WHO is processing usually, a fake identity!!! Attached to processing, but really trying to get rid of the pain and discomfort, rather than being freed and released from the identification. I was fooled by my own self hhhhhhhhh

It was the hardest things I have ever went through in my life. I feel exhausted, drained. I leaked a lot of energy in this whole drama, and the cuts hurt, also I feel so confused, what happened, but at least I saw something really important, apart from seeing what all the neediness and lack of self-love do to me, i.e. how different needy Yulia is from real me. Tough lesson it was and I have a feeling that it is only the beginning.

I felt so confused in the morning. I feel confused all the time. As if my brain is in some strange state of melting. Then there was a fog, and many contradicting feelings and impulses, how to proceed on my path.

And then I meditated and it all cleared away. And I am left with what is real: the energy of change. I want change (a feeling). I shared on fb what I feel now, and it really belongs here, actually:

"I am trying to figure out where it is me and where it is all the other things/people that influenced me, where all these identities are. I am so fed up with any resistance, control or effort that at this point I prefer total disappearance to a lie. But the thing is that the body is still on auto-pilot. I can see it giving fake smiles, saying fake hellos, lying, pretending, trying to impress or please, or to protect itself, wanting things, afraid of others... So I am softening, more and more, no self-judgment. It is not my fault I am this way, and it is not me, all this. It's just a funny 'picture' shown to me, so I can learn, a game. And I hug myself.

I just want to be me, more than anything in the world. I just want the truth, I want my innocence back, I want true profound joy, the one of the soul experiencing this peculiar 'reality'. I want to be free. It is not a desire. It is an inner yearning, so intense that I can't deny it anymore. I can't keep lying to myself for longer than a couple of hours.

It is so hard, to let go all the ideas, ideals, views, opinions, recipes, manuals, let go the need to be something, to be a specific way, the need of other people and things to be in some particular way. I don't care about life and death, don't care about health, how I look, smell, I don't mind feeling pain or suffering, I even don't care whether I am happy or not anymore, and I even don't care about my soul.

All I care about is this undescribable feeling inside, THE WAVE, coming from a point of absolute completeness. When I become this wave, I feel that everything is working, nothing is at conflict with anything anymore, the body, the soul and the 'wave' come all together. All mysteries and paradoxes are resolved. There is no effort. But it lasts only moments or minutes, and then I can feel my ego, I can feel the owning, the resistance, the control climbing back again. I can feel the suffocation. But it is not me anymore, it is inside me. So each day I am more and more in peace with it, accepting and surrendering more and more.

And then 'karma' is flashing me. Old stuff floating up. Old stories, old traumas, old feelings, dark, painful events. Nothing scares me anymore. I see myself, see what is inside, without fear. I let it all rise from the tombs, rise from under the lid, all the blessings from hell, and then, suddenly - I am on the other side. As if the world flips on itself, as if everything inverses on itself and collapses, and I am in paradise, free, and sink so deep into myself that there is no myself anymore. Just the depth... and enormous expansion out of this depth.

I feel like all my prayers are answered, and I feel myself being held and taken in the hands of the universe, of all that is good, benevolent, the light and grace surround me all the time. And even when all I can see is darkness, and all I am is my ego, I know that it is only the opposite side of God's face being shown to me, so I can know who I am, who God in me is, and I am celebrating.

I am truly blessed."

The hardest part for me now is to infuse all this somehow into my life. I feel so many things are not in place, I can't relate to them anymore, I can't find myself in them... But nothing changes, and I feel frustration... So I say myself: patience.

There is a book I am reading now, Coelho's Aleph. It had so many personal messages for me, that I felt as if it was written for me hhhhh And there he talks about strength and will-power. That will-power is the ability to be persistent over prolonged periods of time. And I feel the new 'strength' building itself in me. The strength to wait patiently and let things happen on their own pace and way, while not losing the objective from the horizon.

And the objective is THE WAVE

I know I am not alone. I know I am treated personally. And I know I won't be let to get too lost.

I don't know what is going on with me, but something has changed.

Before I thought life is hard and was whining about the difficulty of the path and the pain.

But now... the story is completely different. It seems like kindergarten, what was happening earlier.

I am experiencing all kinds of horrible pains, and each is somehow pulling up karmic stuff. As if all my inner identities somehow sit on karma. I am crying all the time and feel like I just can't take it. It feels like I am standing under rain and every drop causes me intense pain and suffering.

Also it seems like everything is being taken from me. It is so hard. I feel like God wants me to lift some weight I just can't lift. I feel torn apart.

What is so overwhelming is that I constantly feel so loved and that it is love that is tearing apart, that is crushing and torturing me.

I have my moments of weakness when I feel so angry with God that things have to be so twisted and tough. It makes it even harder.

And at the same time there is something new I feel in me, something I didn't know before, some kind of strong something, it feels like something that smashes everything out of the way, anything that it feels not belong, it is not afraid of anything and can't be damaged by anything.

This week also it was the first time when I felt my soul occupying certain parts of the body. Before I used to feel it maybe streaming through me or just feeling the essence of it in my heart, but this time it was as if filling the body itself. I got spooked in the beginning, but then allowed it. I couldn't stay like this for long, especially when it reached my lower part of the body, especially legs.

Weird experiences, and I feel so scared and confused... As if I am going totally crazy.

And there is also this thing, that I feel like shouting HEEEEEELP and trying as if to cling on something to save myself... another piece of karma constantly coming up, but also I feel it has to do with the process I am going through now.

Sooooo challenging, so hard! God.

Things that help me are simple things: eating only food that doesn't make it harder and adds more pains on me. I gave up any cooked stuff for now. I keep exercising, more and more intense workouts, even if I feel like crawling on the way. It really helps me to find inner strength to keep going then on the more mmmm inner level. Yoga simply saves me. And I kicked some people out of my life and feel pretty much like isolating myself, apart from those who I can trust, which is not many at the moment, maybe one or two... So I also feel very lonely now. But I prefer it to the noise and disturbances.

The only two things I feel that I still 'hold' is computer, internet and the mental information and stimulation. I know it needs to be cut and so I will be left in striking silence and even sharper loneliness and emptiness. And I know I have to do it, but still can't, it feels like it's just too much.

I now watched Gateway 3 and 4 again. It really helped somehow. I always cry when I watch the 3d for some reason, it stirs something up I guess, can't quite say what.

Haaaaaaa There is a war inside me now. And I feel I have had enough of it. I want it to end, somehow. I need a miracle... Some miracle.

It is so interesting!

I 'betrayed' 'God' today in a way, I was whining and complaining and felt like I hate Him, hate the life given to me and I just wanted to disappear somehow. So I called my mom, the only person who was available.

And my Mom told me that I have problems with trust and gratitude. My mom!!!! I mean, something is really changing in the world hhhh

And then I saw this video about gratitude and this video with Father Bede Griffiths:

and I knew for sure that I am being talked to, in all ways possible and am sent a message of love.

And then I sat and cried for hours, hugged by benevolence. Really cleared my heart.

Huuuugs!!! ((((((((((( <3 )))))))))))))

I don't know why but it feels to me as if I am completing some very important stage in my life. It is still not over, but it feels like a small summary.

And the summary is:

When I look back, I see that I was and still am in a way pretty silly all the way hahaha And I was silly not because of all the mistakes and choices I've made, including those that made me suffer, not because of all kinds of tough experiences... that now look so ridiculous, as now I know I was always responsible for them; it is not because I hurt people on the way. The only reason is that I always wanted something I didn't have, and I didn't even know what it was hhhhhh And it was driving me insane!!!!!

The silliness was about self-nonacceptance, which caused me to fight the whole world around. I wanted myself and the universe to be something other than it is.

So the Great Shift (hhhh) now, as it feels to me, has everything to do with just acceptance.

I didn't know how much it affected my life and my experiences. It took the taste of living, it was preventing me from living life fully, from having fun, it took all the joy out of it.

So, the summary IS - I now get a taste of how it is to live life when accepting myself and the world. It is a very big thing for me, as it feels I was at war for an eternity. Imagine how it feels to suddenly make peace. It is a redemption on a universal scale for me.

I am not nice, I am not kind, I am not always pretty, I am not always good. I can be a little devil. I am so human, with all the limitations, challenges of it, all the distortions and kinkiness, blindness...

I came to know such dark scary corners of myself, I was swimming in my subconscious over the last year and have seen horrible things in myself. I was truly horrified and I was trying to avoid and deny those things, not on purpose. It was just to much to bare and I was afraid that it could cause harm to me or my surroundings. Through these I came to understand how such things as murder, violence, torturing others, how indifference, sadism, all these things happen in the world. I came to understand what an unleashed ego can do, how it feels. I can say that if people knew what world I am holding within myself, they would probably get fainted hhhhh

But what can I do? This is all my experiences.

I can feel I am well-balanced now. I can see such grace, such beauty, such incredible light in myself, and there is just as much darkness and horror. I really do feel I am close to having the whole world inside, the 'good' and the 'bad'.

I don't know why and I don't need to know, but I finally get it all together. I know I am not brought down here to be white and fluffy. I wanted it to be this way, but the closer I get to myself, the more I see that I have a lot of executor, a slaughterman in me. I was judging myself for that, I hated myself for that and I thought I only needed to forgive myself. But the truth is that I had to accept that it is an inherent part of me and agree to live with it and to be like this forever. I thought destructiveness, hatred, aggression are all bad.

And now I am crossing the barrier, carefully. I really try not to lose it completely, and still in the process of discovering myself and the boundaries, and also feel the balance between empathy and compassion and the destructive-constructive force acting in me. And I find out that what caused me the pain is not the force itself, but the resistance to use it as I should, so I was directing it towards other things, to distract myself.

So now I am accepting all these parts of me. I am making a peace with a killer, and the exploiter, with the liar, with insanity, with all those things.

And I feel peace. I feel peace. I feel so close home, that it seems it can't get any closer. I know it can And for once I am enjoying this yearning, this longing, this taste...

Imagine: you were lost for an eternity. You were so far away from home and you were suffering really badly. You had no rest, you had no peace, you had no home. And now you can see it, you can smell it, you can touch it, but you're still not exactly there. But it is already enough to make you feel this completeness, the sense of resting in peace, the sense of coming back to where you belong, this warm deep undefinable place inside. This is how I feel.

And at this stage I feel like saying thanks to Chris, Trin and Lesley, to my friends whom I met in Openhand and Deedeechka, my good friend here in Israel (I feel like it's an Oscar speech lol, but I don;t care, because I really want to say it hhhh).

Yes, so... I feel I grew up enough to feel which parts are completely in resonance and which are not, where we're like almost one, and where we still hold our individuality, and the uniqueness of our paths and perceptions/experiences. And it just doesn't matter, all the differences, because how boring it would be if we were all the same! Think about it

Yes, I couldn't have met better friends than you were for me during these challenging times I was having.

And the last things I feel saying, most important things I've learned for myself in the last several years:

1. There is nothing in the world that doesn't come from the Source. Everything has its origin there. And to me, there is nothing that ever happened or is happening that didn't have the probability of happening, which means to me that it all has a certain divine origin and so there is nothing to judge, avoid, deny. All these are faces of God, and therefore, are my own faces. I don't have to let them all take over me and rule me and my life, but I do have to learn to accept and love them.

2. The world outside is a mirror of myself. I am the only one here in this whole huge universe. hhh There is no point to see it for what it is for me, but more to explore who I am, who am I seeing there, and what do I feel to do about it. And here there are no right or wrong choices. Any decision and action will have their result or effect, but if I am not afraid of anything, like death, or getting hurt, or anything else, then why should I worry or be anxious about what I am choosing? In the world of mirrors I can be a free man, a free soul, and explore anything and everything, with no exception, dark and light, right and wrong, good and bad. Free...

But! It has some side-effects. One of them is that you can't blame others for what is happening anymore. And you treat the world just as you treat yourself, and you can see it so clearly. But it's not a problem if you have a big pair...

3. 'External' influence is very important. What I feed is what I get. And here choice and balance is muy importante. What I mean, is what I read, watch, who I communicate with, everything has a great impact on how life is lived and felt. To me it is not important anymore whether I am being influenced or not. I anyway have created all these things around to help me feel who I am now, to make a choice and then live it. The important thing is what makes me live and what makes me die. These two have become the two parameters to look at. Good/bad, up/down, pleasant/painful, spiritual/egoistic/distorted, etc. These are not so important for me anymore. The question is what makes me alive and what makes me feel like I am dead. When I feel dead - this is when I know something is about to change. And I am now embracing this feeling of death. There were always great things happening to me after these dead periods, great revelations, great uprises, great realisations and changes. I am not afraid to fall anymore. I see it as a part of the ride. And also, when choosing this way, life is really fun. There are no limitations really. And the boundaries become more of funny decorations.

4. I am the master of my world and I am God Sounds a bit nuts hhhh It's like saying I am Napoleon lol. But it is really so, and it can get to as ridiculous levels as manifesting desires to the most divine creation of the world around. The thing here is to know who wants what. There are often conflicts between what inner identities, personality, ego, soul and my inner God want. This is when things get messy on the outside hhhh So this is where I have learned to make a choice, what I want to follow. If it is ego - I go for it. It's ok for me too. As long as it was a conscious choice. I just need to make the choice. And then something happens, I learn from it and... that's basically it. Very simple.

5. No effort. I didn't understand what it means for years. I thought I should soften, relax, letting go all kinds of things I think I should let go of, that I should feel in some specific way. But the thing is that all these are just possible side effects, they are not the goal. I can use them to help me get to the place of non-efforting, to taste it, but they are not important in themselves, at least that's what I have realised after a lot of wandering and confusions and mishits. What it really means to me now is just living beyond ideas, concepts, patterns. It doesn't mean I am all perfect, soft, relaxed, etc.

It means not fighting what is happening and not trying to control, direct, push it, and it means no intention and no expectation. That is all it means. It includes no expecting of myself not to expect, not to intent, not to control and all of these.

It is just a state of simple experience.
It is knowing myself to the extent I am knowing and feeling myself now and being in peace with that, not wanting to change anything.
It is being a human and feeling cool about it, and at the same time not being anything at all and living beyond any definitions and concepts.
It is building myself every moment and then immediately destroying it, letting the wind blow it, the water wash it, leaving me innocent, clear and open, and then building again, and again, and again...
It is just living a life as it is, but in an aware state and while owning it, feeling it inside.

Non-efforting means being simple, taking it all simple, and living it simple. I guess you get it when you get it, just like I am doing now. But when it happens - wow! That's really 'nice' hhhhhh I mean it's fantastic!

Ok, I've summarized all the important things, I think.
Ok, I keep going

Recent realizations about individual truth, spiritual bubbles, acceptance

When does it happen that something that is meant to serve us and our process, turns into some ideal that we begin to serve instead?

It happened to me twice in my life... my quest for truth and for my place in this world has turned into a lie and an attempt to adapt and/or replicate somebody else's truth, perception and path.

And now I am pretty stable in my deductions based on these personal experiences:

1. There is simply no one truth, no one true perception for all, and it just can't be that two different people experience exactly the same reality, be it this physical and dense or some higher and more ethereal expressions of it. Otherwise the point is missed: why to separate us to little bits of consciousness? To me, it is not so that we all converge to one mutual reality and cheat on our own experience of it, but to build one combined field of all the possibilities and opposites. So unlike before, I appreciate the differences and all the expressions around, even if they are very dense and dark. All are pieces of one huge puzzle....

Note: there is something called resonance, which means that it might be that I and somebody else feel as if we perceive something in the same way. It happens, but it can't be that we will be completely identical in all aspects.

There is only one mutual interception point for us all - the disappearance point, the point in which everything collapses, and everything turns into nothing. But then there is no reality to perceive and talk about there, there is no "you and me", there is just zero. So all the conflicts are resolved.

2. Question: when is it resonance and when is it infection? Ideas, beliefs and moods (emotions, feelings) are contagious. So how can one know that he is not simply infected by somebody else's passions, beliefs, perceptions, ideas, etc... And to me here comes the importance of being alone.

Yes, it is very important to learn from others, to collide with other people, share and so on, but... When I take time on my own, and the sensations decay - it s not mine. It is simply not me. And how else can I know my path in life if I am not being me, the way I was created and built? And how can I then do my part the best way, if I am trying to walk in other people's shoes?

This process can be called sorting wheat from the chaff. I have collected some pieces and now I can feel out what things are here for me and which are a trash (for me). In any process in nature there is some kind of waste products. And this is the same with these processes. It's like I read a book, and there are some great things that spike something in me, and some things that I feel a dissonance with. And this is how it should be. Otherwise - something is wrong (for me). It means I am hooked: either I want to be belong somewhere, to find some comfy place where I will be told how things should be and what to do, or I just love these people and on some inner layer want to be like them, so that we can be friends or so that they love me... etc

3. I have become very sensitive concerning this sensation of self-deceiving. It feels like switching a mental knowledge and a deep inner truth that can never be really fully put into words or mental constructs and especially no recipes. I learn to let go the realizations, perceptions and sensations once they land. They are not mine, they don't belong to me, they don't define me, they are instantaneous, and once they land - they are gone, and something new is coming.

There can be some consistency for a period of time, but it doesn't mean it will never change. And so there is nothing to cling on to.

This lie, for whatever reason it is there, always has some of clinging in it. Something sticky, something that is a bit suffocating and feels quite not right.

I just know how it feels now, I recognize it very fast, so it can't take over me anymore. It is like I understand something about myself and life, and one moment after I release it, and ask all the questions once again, as if I never knew or understood anything at all. This inner innocence is what gives this taste in life, excitement, an element of surprise.

4. Free learning. And this one is a big one! Because, ok, I have learned what is not right for me, what is right then? Free learning is having no problem with all possible realities, behaviors, beliefs, ways of living, and accepting absolutely everything, no rejection, no judgment, no running away... I never felt really right with exclusions. To me, any belief system that excludes something that takes place in reality, can't possibly be fully integrated. It is coming from somebody who maybe still didn't integrate all parts of himself, and is still at war with certain aspects of his being, or, if you want, at war with God or with the universe, or with reality. BUT! After this acceptance, after this embracing and softening into what is, I must also feel out what is it I feel to do. It's like hating and killing people is ok, part of the deal. And also finding something beautiful in everybody and hugging people is ok. What do I choose to experience now? What path of evolution do I want to follow? Whatever I choose will bring me to some learning, so I can't go wrong. And yet, there is something that feels more right.

I really feel that we are totally free to experience, try and taste whatever we want to here. We are really given this huge playground with all the possibilities, so why to stick to somebody else's choice? Instead of finding our own joy, finding our own way?

5. Spirituality that is not practical (which means that it can't be put through and into the denseness and wants to avoid, remove, fight or make the denseness go, in any of its form), not down to earth and which can't be applied in any situation, in any environment and in any state - is nothing more than a spiritual bubble. And this is any spiritual technique that excludes part of the existing reality and prefers one part over another. This realization is the deepest of all for me. And I am totally in peace now, finally. I know what felt wrong before and I know what is right for me, for now.

6. So, now down to earth: to me, there is no conflict between the physical body, physical plane and reality, ego, personality and more ethereal expressions and experiences. If they all can't work together in a given moment - then I am not hitting the spot. If one overrides or suppresses the other - I still haven't found IT and have to dig deeper, or wait longer. And this was my biggest mistake I kept repeating during last 7 years. It is not about what people call "following the soul", or following a higher guidance, or turning into light, or being the presence, getting non-dual, or whatever else you might call it... It is about finding that mystical spot where EVERYTHING comes together, all aspects of the current experiences, all the contradictions, all the dense and light parts, and then allowing the reality to get unraveled out of this point. You can't know what you will get. It's like jumping into the black hole, and then finding yourself out again. Like putting a rabbit into a hat and then pulling endless ribbons out of it, surprised

In other words - in those unstable moments when things want to change, there is no use of separating between things, but rather to make them all come together, all the contradicting pulls, the doubts, worries, fears, without rejecting or judging any of them... Just put them all into one pot and cook until ready Something will unravel. And the less is suppressed, the less I prefer to be something rather than what I already am now, the faster and the more efficient the process will be.

Mmmm I think that was more or less what I wanted to say hhhhh

What is there to look at at all? I don't think anybody can know what landscape we are looking at because we see only what we see and get only what we get, and it is impossible to know for sure whether what we see is what really is. We just can say that this is what we see/experience, but not what we look at. I can't say I can even say for sure there is anybody outside really, so what "we" can we talk about in certainty? This is why I don't even try to talk about reality, but only talk about my personal experience. This was my point.

To me resonance means I got something for myself about myself through an external mirror. If it is in some way has some "I belong here"/"I'm like you"/"you're like me"/"we're together" feeling - then I have lost myself in a mirror. Resonance and the "aha" still don't make me and somebody the same, and I can never know whether you experience "the same thing" as I do. But we can, of course, be joyous about the proximity. At these moments of resonance there is a sense of getting closer, which is wonderful, really, but I never forget the truth - me is me and not you, and vice versa. And even if I feel totally together with everybody, in the mutual field, empathic, etc, STILL, it is ME who is experiencing something, or, more correct to say, something that is experiencing something.

About the bus: reality proved me several times that I can actually arrive at 09:05 and still get the 09:00 bus. And also it proved that I can arrive at 08:55 and still not get the 09:00 bus. So I wouldn't be so sure...
The rules of this plane are the result of the creation on a level of thoughts, individual and then collective, but it doesn't mean that the rules of the game can't be individually bent for somebody. Sure, I won't jump from the 15th floor to try whether the universe (or me) will bend the gravity for me. But there were all kinds of "weird" things that I have seen and experienced directly, that were not in line even with this simple, dense "consensus reality".

Concerning the mental plane and the lower mind - it was about a month ago that I have realized that.. "so what?". So the mind will over-process OR it will not. Who can control this? And where is the button?

Who said that a person X is supposed to experience a specific something in a specific way, the right way, the clear way, etc. Maybe THIS is exactly how he should experience it, with the dissolution and interpretation, etc.

I already said many times, that in my life I can't spot a single thing that I have chosen. I was kicked here, kicked there, shown this, then shown that, I had my eyes shut, then my eyes opened, etc. To me there is only one way of existence in peace - and this is going with what is, exactly in the way it is and there can be no exceptions for me.

So if I am brought to notice something, like, oh, I am being emotional now, then ok. It's not a problem. Or if I dissolve - if I am made able to see it - then great, and I need to do absolutely nothing with it. If I am blind - then what is there to talk about? Whose fault is that? Whose responsibility? Noone's. A blind man is a blind man. And when he is not blind - still there is nothing he can do but accept what he sees and trust that there is a good reason why he is made to see what he's made to see and that it means that soon he will be freed and changed (or, in other words, that the inner process of shift is beginning, otherwise there was no point of seeing this).

Again, all my breakthroughs... I never did anything. And any attempts to solve things or control things - they didn't help. I just was aware for a day/week/month/half a year/year, and one day it was gone and something else was there instead.

I, personally, go back to the same conclusion as years ago - all is needed is the potential, the pull, and on this one we have no control. We are either called back home or we are not. It is not in my power. And of this I am certain at this moment. So what is there to worry about? This pull is what really makes one evolve. Information, warnings, all kinds of these things... I am not sure... Lately I wish I knew much, much less, since there is a lot of mess to clear up, and it can be even harder and more confusing and trapping than the standard conditioning.

So if anybody asks me, today my work is about getting clear and knowing nothing. The less I know - the more it flows. And the spikes appear on their own. I don't need to do anything at all. My participation and cooperation happen on themselves, gradually evolving from high-resistance (viscosity) experience to low-resistance experience. And mainly what changes is my ability to shift from state to state.

I just love Trin's metaphor about leaving the old boat that is falling apart. Old state becomes unstable, but there is no new state yet. Then there is a sense of "something is coming", and this is when I am experiencing the readiness to move or a fear and a laziness to stay in the old comfort zone, and at some point there are just two levels of the same energy that are manifested, after I have made an inner shift, and that's it. Sums up the whole spirituality. A couple of words can sum up the tips: relax, listen and cooperate hhhhhhh

And I don't feel I need to know anything else. All the rest are just different forms of energy, and as far as I am concerned - they are all parts of me.

It is true. No memory.

And yet, why are you saying that? Where do you see I have made a choice?

Because in my perspective, I really didn't. I did what I felt I had to and that was it. There was no choice and there still isn't. I just was resisting a lot. This is basically what I did: I was afraid and resisted

Maybe this is what makes things so hard for me, that I can't see where my choice (or illusion of it) is. So I wait until things become unbearable and then an inner decision happens and something shifts. Maybe there IS something that I can do to make things easier/faster? But I really can't see what that might be.

None of these answer a very 'simple' question: at which point do I chose?
At which point do you think you have chosen any single thing that happened to you, really, internally or externally?

For example, to me the part about "the non-aligned part decides..". What does it exactly decide? I have never made any decisions. They were forced upon me, brought upon me, or just popped up. I didn't even chose whether to adapt or not. I think the difference in our perceptions is that to me there is actually no control at all whatsoever, including the ability to decide anything. I am just a puppet. I can be rather a cooperating puppet, i.e. a puppet who knows he is a puppet and is made to find peace with it, OR I can be an identity (including the spiritual one) in illusion that I can decide something.

At some point there is a realization I am also the one who is pulling the strings, but it doesn't change the dynamics. The body, the soul and the personality are still just puppets. And there is nobody to decide even in this case, because this thing that is pulling the strings is beyond the world of 'decision-makings'... It just pulls...

This is of course my view and interpretation of it, the one that feels most real. There is no comfort in it, but for a change I am not looking for one...

First of all, I have stopped asking this kind of questions months ago, like where am I at, where am I going? I truly really don't care anymore. And I also don't think it is important, actually. Just let me live the day, and this is enough for me.

But... since you asked I don't think so. I just know I have changed, and there is a sense of growing up and getting more and more in peace with life and myself, knowing and being true to what I feel/think/know/see, and basically ther is some simplification of things.

I am the same, I am worried, there is fear, loneliness, I am human... I feel all those things... But at the same time I become more 'normal'. And yes, I feel challenged, but I also feel belong in this world, as it is, with all the stuff. And I get what my way is, so I don't need to replicate or adapt others' ways.

That's all.

Enlightened... not enlightened... it's just irrelevant. And I am so happy it is so. I feel freed from this escape. I thought I will find my comfort in escaping this world in this way or another, in disappearing from it in this way or another. But it is when I turned around and looked at everything and am finally stepping in - I feel in peace. It feels almost like dying in peace. I am happy now.

I thought: we all talk here a lot about the 'ethereal' and inner stuff, but know so few about what actually practically is happening in our everyday lives. And to me, this is really important to get the full picture, who is behind all these blabla here on the web - real people, humans...

So, I decided to refresh and try to write like I would write a diary, and this is the most real it can get, without refining or filtering. This is how things are on a very down to earth level:

These are very confusing, intense, busy to death, stressful and loaded times for me. I can almost say I have no time for spiritual bullshit anymore, so all that is left is the true essence of it: just an inner exploration, observation and awareness. The rest just has no time and place. Everything gets really HERE. I don't know about NOW. I am not sure it actually works, being in the now, when you live a 'modern life'. Maybe somewhere up there in the mountains? Or somewhere in a protected clear space? But here I have to hold the understanding that I have only 2 minutes to run to the restroom and back, that I have 4 things to be done within 1 hour, and around 7 phone-calls to make during the day and so on. So non-existence of time looks like the ultimate bullshit down here in the world of a ticking clock.

I feel like it's raining with duties, things to do, to arrange, to keep in mind... Just a summary about what is going on with me now:

1) I am leaving my Phd to stay as a paid worker in university, which leaves only 1/3 of my previous income, which means I can't possibly survive with this money.

2) So I am moving out of my place in with my friend Deedeechka and her family. It's great because I have so much to learn from her - how to live on earth. One of the most horrible things for me here. I admit: with all the talents I might have - I am clueless!!! So I have to learn the basic rules and alternative ways, rather than those I picked from my mom and keep replicating throughout my life.

3) Looking for an extra job or two or three: I found 1 so far

4) Financial situation in general - it's easier to hang myself than to make it better.

5) A lot to pack, a lot to do, some bureaucratic staff to deal with, a lot of this, a lot of that, a lot a lot a lot hhhhh

3) And in parallel, my sister's birthday, my supervisor's dad departed, so there were and are things to be done...

4) I left my boyfriend

5) I miss my ex-husband, and the old times, when I had some relative stability and somebody to share my path with. Whereas now I feel like an old maid lol Getting old alone somehow feels more alone than being young alone.

6) Food issue - all my life. I want to get rid of it! What to eat, how to eat, when to eat. I am really sick of this body and it reactions. No matter what and how I eat - it's bad. So I just want to say f..k it!

Funny, yesterday one of my sports teachers told me that my issue with food is like my issue with jumping on high stuff. I am afraid to get hurt and afraid of suffering, but suffering is part of life, he said. And something landed. I could clearly see that I am still running away and trying to avoid the pain and discomfort.

So I was so happy to see that, but also felt like damn! it will never end! It just will never end. I am trapped in all this forever.

I was seeing myself all tight, all stressed, losing my faith, losing my trust, questioning whether God or anything beyond this plane even exist? Or do people make it up to make things not that awful? And whether this is how I am going to live my life? In this inner garbage? Never free? Never living? Finding my only comfort in my future death and the peace of that moment when all this world will finally be taken of my shoulders? For how long will I carry this burden? And will I be this disgusted and repelled by life till the happy end? And for how long will I cry and whine about me being alive? And these suicidal thoughts will never go away. Ever. Everyday life is heavy and ugly, with rare splashes of sparkles and greatness. I was watching myself and all these thoughts, I felt the sharp pain, the sorrow. What was different in all these feelings from before? Nothing hhhhhh I couldn't even laugh. I allowed myself to cry. I cry like anytime I am alone, including on buses. Unless I am so tired I turn to a zombie and my only thought is 'get home', get home'...

And in the background... I was laughing at myself, as it was so obvious I am running some dramatic movie in my head lol This is ridiculous!!! So I was like ok, let's watch the dramatic movie and cry n'all that... And I knew that some part of me wants everything to be perfect! It wants everything to be nice and pleasant, clear. And I just won't accept some other part of me, that for some reason decided to experience the dark ridiculous stuff too. The dissonance is what causes most suffering, this inner mismatch: what do I 'want'? On this web it is called what do I chose, but for me it is more clear when I ask what do I want? Choice is a mist for me. Whereas I know that if I really really deeply want something - this is a place to go, because this is where the pull goes. Some get confused by the word 'want', because it has this connotation with desires, but for me the word 'choice' is the most confusing, so I 'chose' 'want' lol And it connects me to all planes, and makes peace between all parts, higher and lower.

So here is the puzzle:

I know I am ready to make a decision to be happy and free
There are parts of me that still cling on the old stuff and the old movies, cuz, well, drama movies are so dramatic! hhhh
And there is me standing in between in the wtf state
And there is another me having no problem with anything, like whatever
And there is another me who feels grudge towards the universe for its f..d up-iness
Another one is in total wonder like WOOOOOW!!! The world is AMAZING!!!
And there is another who is searching for the way between and through all these me's to make it all work somehow
And there is a constant connection with whatever it is I feel since I am a kid - like my inner guide, a wise inner creature...

So, it is really interesting how I have no place left for irrelevant for my process stuff. There is just no space. It's like everything that is not inside me - irrelevant.

I trust my hunches more now, and I trust my perception more now. It meets some external resistance, but it is great it is there. It helps me refine my own truth. I am not looking for some universal truth anymore. And I am not looking for some universal justice/harmony. I know why I am here: I am here to find my own inner world, and find the peace within it. So I gradually shift from the old perception to the new one. If there is some piece outside - it just means I have it inside... let's take a look.

And that is a great relief. Suddenly some part of me doesn't need anybody to agree, think or see like me, or anything. I guess this is the matter of being so focused on who I am, what I do, what is my truth and everyday stuff, that there is no 'time' and need for anybody to approve it. And if I resist or feel intimidated - then this is something to work with.

I keep finding out how simple things really are. It's all about inner world and its reflection outside. Once you get it, like really get it - this where the real game begins. I am still dependent on what is triggered. So sometimes I get lost.

I think this is a great time for me. The hardest part is really constantly keeping an eye on the inside and not to get lost in external events. What helps me is telling myself - there is nothing outside.

I am creating this world, and nobody else. ONLY ME! Then it is more responsibility, but also I feel I get as close to truth I only can. I have created this world as it is, and I am doing all these things around. There is simply nobody there.

Then, from this place, I can trust I see the real picture, I see my own reflection outside, in all events, absolutely everything. Everything is me, the most horrible and the most beautiful things.

This is the place where 'they' disappear. I am the only responsible creature for absolutely everything.

And this is when the game begins. This is when, ironically, I can start to really interact with the 'external' world I have created, very seriously, but also very playfully.

I can see that all the spiritual process is all about making the polarities come together...

I am really looking forward times when this inner reconstruction is over. I know that this is when I can fully live from this state.

And in the meantime - I am in an inner conflict living this ridiculous incongruent inner and outer life hhhhh

Crying helps and sense of humor helps and good friends help. To me, personally, all the rest is superfluous in these times.

I believe we all know where need to get, and how, but just this knowing that there are friends somewhere out there... It helps. And today I am moving to live with my dear friend, so I am excited

I wanted to share another interesting thing:
For years already she is the only thing that stops me from killing myself when I have tough moments. It's like I know there is Deedeechka in the world - and I don't want to leave

Another interesting thing is that when I am sinking into the darkness and I try to pull myself out and look for things I love and grateful for in this world and in this life, I have only two things:

1. Deedeechka (always in the first place and the first thing that comes up)
2. Nature and all the beautiful moments I experienced with it

All the rest is behind the dark wall... Even anything having to do with my spiritual evolution.

When I tried to see why this word came: simplicity.

There is this one simple thing happening in both cases: love.

Simple.

No big words, no complicated ideas or opinions, there is nothing there but love.

And I am remembering this interesting thing I have read when I went through all the psychology and psychoanalysis books when I tried to help/ save myself in my early 20's... I can't remember who was the author, and what was the book, but this message stayed with me through the years: TRUE LOVE CURES EVERYTHING, even the hardest cases.

So while I am also grateful for the spiritual guidance and help in my life, in tough moments the truth gets sharp - I am most grateful for the unconditional love, and if there is anything that ever healed in me was because and when I could feel it, and not because I was told things.

Love is really enough. And the day I will be able to live from this place and communicate with people from this place.. to be able to carry this 'field' of unconditional love - I believe that this is when people around me will be given the chance to heal, and not when I will tell them smart things or show them their flaws (this is what I was doing so far all my life, as reflection of what I was doing to myself).

I think I am getting really close to myself. Still don't love myself, but at least I am getting close, at least I am daring to try hhhh So hard.

Well, it was a long one, but it also was a really sincere one, the most sincere ever, I think... I didn't hide anything today. Complete set haha

Have to run now... hhhhh

I feel the emptiness and it's unbearable.

I don't know how to live this life, and I don't know what's real and what's fake. Everything looks like some silly game. Horrid and ridiculously funny at the same time. I feel sick and exhausted.

The only thing different is some sense of surrender. I can't say I love what is happening, because I am flipping all the time. But at least I resist much less.

And I wonder: is it just age? getting old? And all these 'spiritual efforts' are nothing but a distraction from the emptiness of life?

Or is there a veil put before my eyes to make me suffer some more?

But I don't really care anymore even about that. There is no good coming out of whining. So, just like the rest of mortals, I work, swallow food to comfort myself, try to sleep, and feel lonely and clueless.

I wonder, how can it be, such a low, hollow state, and, at the same time, this sense of home, love, softness and peace? I am completely crazy.

Also this question is hunting me again and again: is this it? Is THIS how I am going to live my life? A dead walking? I am already dead. I feel dead, fighting for life, and the my fighting abilities decay. The beautiful part is the soft cloud, that works like shock absorbent, a cushion, and it;s as if there is a cool breeze, a sense of relief. What will happen to me? What will become of me?

I am afraid I will disappear. I am afraid I will lose myself. I am afraid I will be even more alienated from other people, even more alone. On the other hand, I want to disappear. I want to get out of this prison of prison of ME. So confusing.

I guess this is the time when all my hopes, all my imaginations are being broken. All my delusions, fears and weaknesses highlighted. I can see the good and the love in it, but at the same time, it is like living on the edge of unbearable.

The good old question is also back, hunting me. Who am I? I disappear, drop down through some veil, some layer, and then find another plateau. And again: who am I? I am lost in a labyrinth of mirrors. I don't know where to go anymore. So I wait.

What despair this is to know that as long as I want to be free - I will never be liberated. And where is the line between the genuine plead and the panic of escape? They are so interconnected.

What option is left then, but just sit in and learn to accept all this mess? And trust? I am totally powerless here. Completely out of control. I am caught in my own self. What an irony! hhhhhh

I am dreaming a nightmare. I can't wake up...

I can't believe it!!!

I mean really, how can it be?!

I know what I was missing.

I was going into stuff, but it didn't help anything because... I didn't let it go!

I thought that if I just feel it, and stop identifying with it - that's enough. It never worked. I was going in loops.

I know now (internally). I am going into it, and in the background there is a question: does this piece belong 'here'? Like does it resonate with how I feel myself to be now?

For example, feeling deserted by my mom, or being not loved enough by my ex-husband, etc... Do I still want to play that? Do I still want to live this reality?

And once I feel "mmm, nope", it's just gone! Easy-peasy haha

Probably this might look like, what? But it's obvious. This is what we are talking about it on this website all the time. But clearly, it wasn't obvious to me (in the feeling) until it became obvious, as always.

Wow!
I don't know what I feel more: funnily dumb retrospectively or just funny, or happy and funny...

I just know this one thing for sure:

All I need to do is ask! The answer comes right away, immediately. I am never alone.

New life!!! That's a new life for me now. I can do it!!! I can feel anything now. The missing piece is here. Huuuurrraaaaaay!!!!!!! Haha!

You know how it is, we understand things AFTER we really experience them. But then you don't need to understand things anymore. Funny, isn't it?

Friends, I am lost again.

Today I was sitting for seven hours on a couch, in trauma, unable to work through it. I felt how I am destroying myself without doing anything. I could see myself suffering badly, and there was no solution. So I asked, I asked...

Then just got up and started working out. It's the best thing I came up with to help myself, to pull myself out of this misery. And then I could see how not loved I feel. How I am looking for it everywhere, hoping for it, needing it so much, but all I get is the opposite, or emptiness. And I felt sooo lonely. Like this kind of shocking sense of loneliness and hollowness. I can distract myself from it, but I can't possibly fill it.

OHOOHOOHOOOO hahaha It really hurt, so badly, but surprisingly I found myself laughing. And all this during jumping and dancing and looking quite silly.

I don't know this one will be solved. This weight is too heavy for me. I need a miracle!

I am running in circles here and seems like this will never end. The only thing that changes is that I already recognize the loops and that I get scarily calm. Again something was born in me, something I don't recognize. I can get deeper, I can take more pain, I am much less in horror. I just watch, but this time it's somebody I don't know who is watching. Is this the point? Take more? How do I break these cycles? How do I find myself in all this chaos, how do I find myself when all I can see is ridiculous forgeries. I am a fool, I behave like a fool. I can't see anything. Things that seemed clear yesterday get even more vague today than before. Some magical force and love of some people lift me up and make me live, do things, try to find my way in this insanity.

I am so lost, and I so want to be found. I just wish there was some magical word that I would say and then I would be released from these ties, from all these veils, from all that is separating me from myself and the rest of the world.

I can feel some part of me begging, and another part is watching and knowing that it can't be free as long as it needs something, like freedom, love. And yet, there is something so real in this attraction.

I am in such pain, it just doesn't make sense that I can feel the light in it. It is still not completely here, but I can sense it, getting close and it's like almost hands lifting me up, exhausted. I don't know where, I don't know why, have no idea how. Just take me wherever you want...

Is there limit to how much I can take? Is there a limit to my trust? Will this ever end? And what can I do to help myself now? Help this piece of damaged dysfunctional machine...

I am having hard time to see anything clearly these days. I only get some weird pieces and everything is like a dream, as if coming from somewhere where the dreams are coming from?

So I am not sure I can answer your question well.

Probably, I am not trusting myself now. And I was hoping you'll say something that will make me see something, as usually hhh

And I have seen a couple of things. Something is just wrong with me now. I need some 'wake up' slaps, I think hhhh

You are right. The pattern is the same pattern, an old issue really. And the pain is the same one.

But it feels different, as if I am much closer to the roots, and also much more centered within it. And on one hand, the resistance is much more pronounced. Something in me really fights it all, fights me. I mean I can feel this something fighting. It reminds me of when I was a child, and my mom wouldn't give me what I want or would want to get me do what I don't want, I would turn into this green little monster. And I feel it a lot when this thing is triggered. And on the other hand - I myself am not fighting anymore. This is very different.

Also another huge difference is that I am fully functioning. Before in my life, every time it was triggered - I would end up with a suicide attempt and I couldn't work, meet people, even get up from bed. Now I am doing everything as usually. I work, I study, I meet friends, you know, keep on living, and suicide is out of question, even that I am comforting myself with the idea of future physical death a lot, but it's different. I will go when my time comes, I have no intention of controlling when and rushing it. This is a really big shift for me. Because these sensations were always associated for me with an impulse to end it all. Now I am holding it...

And the last one - there is a new feeling to it all, something very calm, disengaged.

About the question:
Maybe you can't figure out the question because I myself can't figure out anything, including the question, I just feel like crying for help. I will really make an effort now...

How can I make it go faster and easier? Not the feeling itself, but the whole process I am in. What is demanded of me now, except patience and endurance? How do I walk through this wall? And where is the blindness? I can feel I am blind, but can't see where exactly, what is it I don't want to see.

Is it better now?

It REALLY helped. I knew about the butterfly, but still there is something that just wants to get done with it. And the wall. Illusion of form... I am getting it...

I know! I know! The thing I am blind about.

Not that I can walk through it yet, but I know where to look.

I could see that the events outside are just my own projection, so I was looking through it, but my own sensations - I thought I was feeling and watching, but really, I couldn't see past their form and got stuck there... I still was a victim of 'benevolence' there, refusing to see this is my own choice to experience it.

So it is not enough to watch, and it is not enough to accept it as another expression of love. I also have to go beyond the 'form', slip through and find myself spread there.

Sigh. Ok , when is the next test? Haha

Thank you!

<3