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Hullo, I am still alive and kicking
Page 1 is over for the 3d part, so I am opening a new one to share this crazy and exciting saga on Earth... with ups and downs, but always, always!, with loads of love.
Yesterday I was walking and watching the full moon, the stars, trees, all this and I was overwhelmed by the simple beauty of this world in all its complexity. And I asked in admiration: How do you do this all? And I got only one word back: LOVE. Then there were tears n'all that
And today I had an amazing experience. I just... felt love all around. I was judging and rejecting this world for so long, and then something clicked in me today and suddenly there was nothing but love.
Even in all those things I feel are not right. In plastic bags lying on the grass, in all those things that people do to each other... Sad it is, but this was given to us by the universe, a choice, and so much love in it.
And I just knew that nothing can go wrong. We WILL be redeemed, we are all going home, there is simply nowhere else to go. This way or the other. And we are being loved no matter what, always were and always will be.
And I have remembered about this song now:
I feel like I am under the wing of God these days. I am not afraid and I feel like I am ready... don't know to what exactly, but ready.
It's been a while since I first noticed and got to really feel that the mind is much more than just this noisy machine, a 'talking head' with myriads of thoughts and patterns that literally often rule and define how I feel. Its influence on the whole body is enormous.
So now the mind is spread all over the body and I can really feel where the wires are going within the body. It is fascinating! One of the most amazing details is the feeling of the disconnection of the natural pathways through the body. It is like I can feel how let's say a certain point in my belly is disconnected from a pathway going from my chest to my base chakra.
I feel this wires, blockages and disconnections especially during yoga and the kind of meditation when I allow the breath to spread and go wherever it wants to while emptying myself with every exhale.
The interesting thing I found is that I resist the mind, as if some part of me is in conflict with it and its patterns. So I am working to resolve this conflict and NOT removing the wires by just bringing awareness to it and also to my resistance to it and softening into both. I might say that I am working to do nothing (paradoxically ).
It is as if some part of me wants to solve it, but it actually allows it to persist. So I allow it to persist and spread all over, consume the body, but not me.
Another thing that I got a shift in perception of is my physical body and its features (including impulses, pains, demands, etc).
It is NOT MINE! and at the same time it is a part of me. It is just like the earth I walk on, trees I connect with, other people I am communicating with, a table, a chair I am sitting on, etc. It is here in my experience, in my landscape to help me. It is actually given to me so I can be here on earth and go through all these things. It is a gift, a friend, a companion, a loyal and selfless assistant on this journey. It is like Gaia itself, totally giving itself, a warm and kind host.
It takes the pain (i.e. the earth takes the pain), it stores all the stuff I am to process. The body is this genius incredible machine that has myriads of functions in the universal evolution.
And I just felt so grateful to it and thanked it from my whole heart and.. then... I hugged my leg :S as if it was a friend or something.
It was very heartwarming experience to feel like this about the body.
Well, I shared it all I guess.
For years I thought that suffering is something worthy holding on to, and saw it as the truth. I couldn't understand how one can live in this world, see all this around and feel great about living.
Later on I found out that I am attached to it, as I was afraid to go into simple life and was holding on to this suffering as an insurance, a float, that would keep me on the surface and wouldn't allow me to sink into the mundane, empty, dense and dark reality. Pain won't make me forget. No need to say that this float perfectly kept me chained to this reality, to the fear of my own illusion.
I underwent many transitions, metamorphoses and now I found that suffering is a choice and that there are many ways in front of me how to live my life and how to evolve. I find the beauty around me and in me, even in the dark sides of me. I find harmony within the disharmonies, I find peace within the storm, I find love in my heart, for myself and everything around me, whatever it is, whatever creation it is and whatever energy it has.
And I move through all the forms, constantly shifting and adapting, like a chameleon, circling around my center, wiggling, bending, spreading and contracting. All the states are becoming one continuous never-ending never-stopping wave, always heading towards perfection and never reaching it. Life is becoming a dance...
This is what it feels like and I am fascinated to see how it it also manifested - I dance and dance and dance and can't grow tired of it, softly breaking through restrictions, mind-created chains, going deeper, digging in. Where is the truth? Where is that still hidden something in me, locked in, suppressed, unspoken, unexpressed? Where am I still not touched by love? I am touching all the forgotten forsaken corners and I cry. I cry about the impossible polarity between the lack of love and this feeling of reconnection, almost unbearable, so beautiful it is. I cry about the lost and found, joyous tears, and I feel so small, a small feather, carried by a tremendous force, enveloped, taken care of, peaceful and sooooo loved... forever!
Well, just for a moment. And then "life goes on" and so do I.
The most wonderful part is that I feel that motion, gesticulation, body language and dancing allow me to communicate and articulate so much better than words. I feel much more real, open and joyous. I just feel blessed to experience all this now. I don't suffer anymore. I do feel pain, discomfort, etc, but I don't suffer. How can I? I am living a miracle, and I am playing the most grandiose game here! It is just pure magic. I am happy.
And even if I am to loose it and to sink back into the darkness, I know I won't forget.
Here, I want to share this beautiful video about dance. It has something in it that reflects what I feel, something I don't know how to put into words.
True love as I experience it has no distinctions. It is just a state, a vibration, energy.
But still, it changes in this world, as if taking certain forms and shades depending what kind of energy I am coming in contact with. So while there are people I resonate more with or maybe not at all, maybe sometimes shielded by unpleasant sensations or resistances, but still, love is always there.
There are particular people with whom this feeling of love has its most intense form: infinite, unlimited, unconditional, absolutely beautiful state I find hard to describe. We might disagree, we might not see or talk to each other for very long time, but this feeling is always there, with these particular people. As if we are not separate, they, their energy is somehow always in my field. And I feel my heart is opening wide and getting huge when I connect or even think of them.
I wonder. Why is it so? Does it have to do with the frequencies and resonance? And why is there this selectivity ? We are all connected, so why do I feel such intense connection with these particular people?
It landed on me that with them there is no difference for me between us. It is like I am them, they are equally important to me as me (if you know what I mean).
I was wondering if there is some explanation to this...
Is there a limit to how deep inside one can go? I am not afraid to say I am afraid. It is ridiculous, because I also know there is nothing to be afraid of, but still... As I am taking all that is happening inside, it gets tougher and it has this side effect - a striking feeling of being alone, in the whole world.
I was feeling more and more lonely lately, during recent months and it was getting more and more challenging. And the resistance was growing.
Today I just allowed myself to feel more of it and it was soooo painful. I think I wouldn't be able to tolerate it if I was not feeling totally held and embraced by myself at these moments.
I felt as if that's it. There is no soul above me, nothing up or around there to ask/listen to/follow. There was only me and in this dark empty center I was completely alone. I felt my mind trying to pull me out of it. But it was such an intense feeling that I couldn't distract myself from it.
Then I could feel the resistance, but also a humbleness and a feeling of confusion. It seems I will be stuck here forever, between my fears and the freedom, torn to two parts, not leaving any of them but also not having any of them.
But then I just feel a tiny spark of trust and hope. I was never left alone. Something will just happen and I will understand something, what I am meant to do.
And in the meantime, there is some integration happening. I can feel it physically. I rarely understand what is going on with me, I just feel things moving and shifting. Something is happening...
I just want to say that this whole evolution doesn't stop to surprise me.
We are talking about the same things here on the web for years, but comparing my previous experience and understanding with the current one makes me smile.
It is much deeper, much more complicated and therefore fascinating, more painful, more challenging, more everything, than I thought. I couldn't possibly imagine that I would feel this kind of grace surrounding me, I couldn't imagine I will meet such... beauty that will make me cry and cause such heartache.
I still feel that this plane is a cruel and tough place and I still feel a foreigner here, I am still sad about it, but I am now ok to stay this way. I am also honored for being granted the opportunity to live so toughly hehe
There is a strong sense of polarity in me that is growing and I probably would be torn to two if I wouldn't stand right in the middle or at least somewhere around it. And I believe, I believe in something in me. And I am afraid less and less, despite getting to feel more of everything.
Funny, the more I live the less I know in my mind, feel dumb, but the more I know in my heart and I even don't know what is that I know hahaha I just know it
I guess this summarizes it all well enough.
I keep going... somehow...
Big hugs to everybody,
Yes I remember this one...
In the same situation the quote was given to me "the greatest journey you need ever take is one step outside of yourself". It's like you take a step in a certain direction and watch the impact. If you're totally, absolutely centred, everything will be okay. Even if you're standing in a tornado. But if/when you step with distortion, it can blow up in your face.
Life is a tough teacher if you've drawn this hand. But then it also prepares you well for rapid evolutionary growth.
So unfasten your seatbelt, it's going to be a bumpy ride!
I am sharing, with some alignment:
Something is changing big time!
I still can't really articulate. I can say now that all my speechmakings about spirituality, presence, letting go's, etc look rather ridiculous and irrelevant now.
I wonder, how deep can it go? It is just incredible!
I feel like detaching from some kind of bubble I was holding on to so tight, as if I am loosing some protective cocoon which was blocking me from really feeling, really experiencing, and as if some blinding veil is being taken away and I can finally 'see', while realising I wasn't really living, I wasn't truly seeing anything at all. I was blind like a newborn kitten and naively believed anybody who said what reality is like, what life is like, what I am like.
I now understand why it is impossible to describe this kind of metamorphosis. Any descriptions fail. You just have to feel it for yourself. If I had only one word to make it as clear as possible, the word INNOCENCE is the only word I feel I can use.
It feels like all I want now is purity, openness, simplicity of being. And I don't mean 'want' as a desire, or as having some vague purpose somewhere there in the future. It as a constant inner prayer immediately coming true. You might say that that they happen simultaneously, 'wanting' and 'getting it'. It is hybridized state.
And it feels like all the rest is worth nothing, absolutely nothing. Knowledge, understanding... are nothing, and all confusions and worries just have no place to exist anymore in their usual form. The nature of questions is also changing. There are no questions, but I feel as if something in me is opening, some kind of curiosity or mmmm I don't know... just an opening with a ?, and then something is happening. The challenging part is that there is a mental cracking going on all the time, it feels like something is getting broken in my head and all over the body, almost an operation on my brain kind of feeling. So at this moment I have memory problems, problems with focus and articulation. My brain is wiped out. I thought is had to do with insomnia, but now I sleep really well and still have the same 'processes'. So it's just the mind cracking I presume. I can see that loosing my wallets was part of it. I feel as if becoming like a baby, have no idea about anything hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Very funny
It seems like whatever I ever had, whatever I have and am now, whatever there is in my life - are all ashes, empty shell. The wind is starting to blow, now gently, and I can see it all dissipating, disappearing, losing its meaning and value. There is no value in any of this life in itself. It is not a philosophy, it is a striking realization, a feeling. Just like people feel and experience their reality, I feel exactly like this the disappearance of reality. It turns into... mmmm... nothing... into.. just ME. I can't really explain. Maybe the good way is to say that I feel like everything is IN ME, I am holding it all within myself, or I am all of it? A total smearing all over. But I am still afraid of this state and contract back a lot. Then the veil is back. I am again looking and feeling through some filter.
Energetically it feels like I am being decomposed, like parts of me are falling off and there is just some kind of clear space left. It doesn't have any constant quality or sensation to it, it constantly changes. I just don't know what it will feel like in the next moment.
Still getting used to it.
Physically I am quite a mess at the moment and also I am having hard times with expression. It looks the opposite of what I feel inside. Because the defenses are down, all the automatic responses and behaviors are actually surfaced, including those I thought are gone, but truly I just learned to suppress them, replaced them with some other more nice mechanisms. What a bunch of lies! So at this moment I am either totally not communicative, OR I just watch my old me in action. Spooky shit hhhhh But I am accepting it and watching it all.
The only time when I am able to be the new me is when I am alone, after ~ 2 hours of yoga and meditation and in nature, in silence. The rest of the time, I am a liar, a fake. It is not my fault, and still, I feel to apologize to all the people I am interacting with, maybe more to myself, and I forgive myself for that too.
Many things are falling into place now. My life is all running in front of my eyes, since my childhood, all kinds of sensations and experiences. Disappearing... I also feel scared a bit by this feeling, like some ghost.
Everything looks and sounds weird, like my name. Somebody says: Yulia... And I feel like: WTF?!
And I am sooooo happy that it makes me cry. Happiness attacks full on hahahaha
I am crying now again...
All the unbearable pain, years of feeling imprisoned, not even understanding what is wrong, tortured, tired, desperate... Now it all is being covered by a golden mist, it was all worth it.
I am going home
Keep letting it fall into place or falling away.
Sending a heart full of love your way!
How do you do that one? So cute!
I am still so clumsy with the net, but I can do :P
I am going through some intense metamorphosis these days.
I feel like swaying between two states, the light and expanded and the dark and tight one. And while I am going into the highly dense stuff, and unbelievable pain, but I definitely also have a lot of fun, and often I have both states at the same time. I guess these days you just can't know whether I am happy or miserable by the way I look. I can cry and actually experience joy and liberation, or I can laugh because I got the kick right under the belt hhhhh
I am going now into the most 'horrible horror' of my life - looking for love, safety, approval and attention in the outer world and falling into darkness, feeling excruciating pain when one of these is challenged, when I feel not loved, when somebody tells me I am not good enough, that I am a monster, when I am under the threat to be left alone, and so on.
This is the first time in my life when I feel joyous to be challenged this way, when I am looking forward for buttons to be pushed, no matter how hard it is going to be. I am kind of up to it, curious what else I am going to discover, what and where else am I holding? And I can see, I just can clearly feel it all, how the mechanisms are set off, where the hooks are in the body, what I need, what I want, all these. As if I have zoom on all these things, the mist is dissipating and everything becomes so obvious and clear.
And suddenly beating myself up and judging is gone. I just feel it all, see it all. Also no pushing anymore. I don't feel like I have to become something else. I feel happy with how I am, so compassionate towards myself. I didn't know I am even capable of this kind of softness, kindness, such warm feeling. Then I make a tiny step and YEEEEHAAAAA! I don't need anything else.
It is like I woke up one day - and... hmmmmm... I don't have to be perfect anymore. I have no idea how it happened and where it is gone. But the sense of freedom... YES! YES! YES!
Another thing that happened yesterday is some kind of weird flip. It is still unstable but I can already define it a bit. It is like before I was inside myself looking outside, and yesterday I was outside myself looking inside.
It is not the observer thing, but a flip in how I feel myself. It is like I have the body and a field around it, and there is something holding it all together somehow. Hard to explain. And it is quite unstable yet.
Also I got it, why I couldn't connect with the higher self so well anymore. I tried to connect the old way, through the crown, as if appealing to something up there. I had problems with this for months and could understand what is wrong, so I accepted myself being disconnected most of the time with rare openings, when I didn't plan it at all.
During these days I suddenly felt a new something, like more expanding from the center. I am not communicating through the crown anymore, but more as if the universe is all around my own center and I am talking from there, and it includes the connection through the crown.
What else? Ah! Important. For the first time, after more than a year, 'Chris's endorphins' finally help LOL So I process, and then I feel like getting up and doing some funny aerobic workout from 80's on youtube (so funny), or dancing, or running, or whatever. I'll share in the lounge the new game/workout I found out. I'll record it and upload it. Very funny
I still have the old me in the space, lazy, poisonous, bitter, disappointed. It looks like I was miserable and depressed all my life. But also, at the same time, a new me is around too, free, curious, fearless. And with all the pains, I can say, at least for now, I AM HAPPY!
I am sharing the sharing:
For the first time in my life, I am in love without fear! It is such a blessing, a beautiful, innocent and open thing, a miracle. I am still releasing all those little monsters that I have built to protect me from who knows what, from myself, from feeling, from love, from life.
So after a couple of dark dark days, which were also fun, I am reborn again, renewed, more free, more ME. It is so intense, this crazy combination of incredible profound self-love and the sense of peace and completeness, feeling like the whole universe is clapping hands and dancing around joyous about my tiny steps, and this loving and being loved back, and being able to express that by just looking at each other, by kissing, by touching, by laughing about our weaknesses and bugs, and all those little things that suddenly feel so magical. Like some absolutely amazing feedback loop is created. We amplify and uplift each other in our joy, and it feels like it is too much, but then I soften more, open more and this laughter of liberation, pure happiness, not held, not owned, with just rare flashes of fear to lose it. I let go and here I am streaming up again, and at the same time, falling down, into the body, into the feelings, everything feels so full, so meaningful, every detail, every sound. A divine paradox again, a mysterious trick. How fun! I learn so much and I am so grateful.
And I am down on my knees in appreciation of this marvelous creation - the world, where ethereal things can become so real. With all the pains and sorrows, I feel great joy and an honor to be landed in this weird land of tangible illusions and I begin to get how to play this game. Woooohooooo!
I am sooooo happy! And I feel like I would give it away, so that the whole world could experience this divinity, to share this joy of being alive and real with everybody.
Oh I got now message from the universe: I am already sharing it hhhhhh Funny me...
And interesting thing happened, I feel it is somehow connected to my opening.
I found two seashells in the desert a couple of months ago. they were hard as stones and I thought that they are probably prehistoric, from the times when there was a sea in the desert. I put them in the bathroom, because I thought they are beautiful and they were there all this time.
Yesterday I went into the bathroom and saw a snail crawling on the mirror. I tried to figure out where it came from and then I saw that the two prehistoric seashells are not in place anymore and I have two living snails crawling around my bathroom.
I let go synchronicities interpretation long time ago, unless they are obvious, but I feel something about this one, some big message. Dead seashell from the desert coming alive, two dead seashells...
Ok, now I need to integrate all this stuff hhhhhh and some processing and letting go want to happen too.
Wow! The love is spilling over. Beautiful!!!
We enjoyed the last evening of our level 2 course tonight. We'll gather together in the morning for a final session.
I made raw chocolate for 17 people! I wish you were there to enjoy some. It was the BIGGEST slab of chocolate EVER! That's one way that my love spills over...
Heart fulls of Love
I am crying now.
I am crying because I can't go on like this anymore. I feel sick, nauseated. There is no judgment, just a sense of tension, a built up frustration, for years and a feeling that I just don't want it anymore. I can feel how I am holding on to things, the tightness. I am watching myself for months playing these silly games, being unable to be real, to be me, to feel and express.
I just feel I am crashing here. I go out into the world and come back like a wounded animal, exhausted.
I want it to be over. I want this inner war to be over. I am softening and accepting, but there is also something in me that I just can't ignore anymore. Fire, I don't know how to hold it anymore. It just wants to burn it all on the way, to blow everything.
During a couple of last days I am going through a very intense processing. I feel like I am brought to the edge of my endurance, physically, mentally, on all levels. I feel so tired. And I don;t know what force makes me keep going, what resolve is that, to go on, to keep crawling. And I feel happy, in the background of it all. Very happy.
Since yesterday I am being brought to look again on that neediness, wanting attention and looking for love and safety. And my legs are so painful and if I go into that, I just start crying and feel tremendous anxiety and like I am trying to get out of the body, flee the hell out of it. Very intense.
The funny thing is that today is a SWEAT LODGE day!
All of this reminds me of Transfiguration course 2011, where the same stuff came up and the legs...
Sweat lodge in Israel, WOW!
People, I want to be free. I just want to be free from all of this. What do I do? Booohoooo
I've been feeling really intense energies these last few days too!
It will pass dear Yulia.
You are such an amazing being and I am so glad that you are here in this world. You have been through so much. Yet you have something incredible that makes you rise up. It warms my heart when I think of you.
I can't help you other than to tell you that I love you!
for your uplifting words!
It really makes me feel joyous to know I am not alone and there are people who I am connected with in a such a deep, truthful and beautiful way.
Sending big love <3 <3 <3
Ahhhw! big (((((hug)))))) back again.
Let me know how the seat lodge goes.
It got doubled after editing :|
The sweat lodge was beautiful and intense, but I was much more ok with it than in the previous time. A lot of resistance, and tightness in the head in particular. Cold shower afterwards was WOW!
It was a lot about the connection to Gaia, and different aspects of our being. There were 4 doors openings: one for the earth, where we connected to the earth and the physical; one for water and feelings; one for the wind and the mind, where we let go and cleared the mental field; and fire, the spirit, raw power in us. And it was a light version of it, more like a celebration. I think I was the only one who was experiencing intense pain and deep sorrow hhhh (I just have to ruin the party LOL), but I was ok, I was holding the space and also I was reminded that I am 'not it' by the guy who mmmm 'conducted' of the ceremony.
There was also a lot of fun in it. We were singing Lakota's songs and songs in Hebrew and English, there were drums and short sharings, and it was a really special ceremony, which made me feel really well how much I am not in the body yet, but I felt joyous and grateful for this experience, even if it is so challenging.
Ah, the funnest part was that before every door opening we called the firekeeper, as loud as we could. It had a very special, amazing feeling to it. In short, it was truly amazing.
I felt that the message for me was not to push it and not to rush it, to take the time and let things move on their own pace, gently. Another message was the one about the lightness and joy of life, which I am still trying to infuse somehow into my experience here on earth and in the body.
It is a challenge. I have learned more or less to surrender to the pains of this existence, but not to the joy and lightness. The latter pull me out of the body, as if it is impossible to be light IN the body. Also I get a lot of 'interventions', disconnecting me from 'real' and I often find myself in some joy and freedom.. BUBBLE. Damn! hhhhhhh Not real, not really in the bones, if you know what I mean, as if some mist is separating me and what I am seeing/hearing/sensing.
And still, same old, landing, being human, accepting the imperfections and finding perfection in what is not perfect.
There was another element, new for me, having to do with communication with other people, felt some of a spiritual identity...
AND! I know what I am going to eat today HAHA! (Thanks, Trin <3) and what I am going to watch today.. Skyfall! :P
I am reaaady!!!
On one hand, letting go the striving and the tightness around doing it all right. On the other hand, I have missed some of the focus and commitment. So how do you do that? See the landscape, focus, hold it in my awareness and committing to that without owning it, without getting tight around it?
Relax and flow too much - and nothing happens, there is no challenge, there is no change. Get tight too much - and you're trapped in control and ego runs the show.
So I am refining that gentle balance and can finally see what I am invited to do. I've been wondering for months already, I am doing such intense inner work with myself, and I am really devoted to my soul, to the universal power, and I really can say I do my best, honestly. If I deny something - it is because I just can't see, I am blind, and not because I am after the comfort of lies or a slave of my fears. I just don't see.
And yet, for months I feel this laziness, lack of motivation and purpose in my life, feel stuck, stagnating. I already know that this is just the feeling, and one day I suddenly see what I've been through and how long is the way I've made.
Anyway, I was not sure what and how, but now I can see I knew what to do for over a year already and was gradually moving towards this potential. I can see exactly what I am invited to do, and it has to do with even more intense filtering of food, stuff, people in my life.
Key words are simplicity, purity, silence and facing more hardcore patterns and blockages.
So after months of feeling I am doing something really not right and running away from my destiny, manifesting it as people dragging me away from what is right and good for me, dragging me into the denseness, back into the lie, into the noise and the shallowness of existence - reflecting myself dragging myself away, I am now ready to take the next challenge, I feel. I have gained some strength and inner resolve, processed some heavy blockages and attachments, learned a lot about myself and I feel I can move on now.
What I feel to do practically is:
1. Food - despite knowing that cooked food causes an obvious damage to my body, buries my emotional stuff and numbs my sensitivity to my soul, I kept eating it once in a while, until recently it turned into an every day practice. Now I am having some old problems back - acidity in my stomach, inflammation in my shoulder, pain in my limbs and a very fogged, almost drunk feeling. Also, I was beginning to feel that all that high-fat gourmet raw food also just feels not right. There is something unnatural to it, something manipulative and exploitative. I've been exploring it and learning to discern between a pure joy and enjoyment of simple foods nature has to offer and the hedonistic kick I was having when eating some gourmet dish. The difference is huge. Pure enjoyment feels connecting, calming, very earthy and grounding, whereas the distorted pleasure feels more like anxious excitement, fast, somewhat predatory and never really satiated.
I also began to feel that there is a lot of weird things around me, like oil. This is not the way nature has made it, so why would I eat it? And other products that I know that if I found them in nature in their natural way - I wouldn't eat them, so why would I eat them at all?!
After these contemplations and shifts I was brought to read 80 10 10 book and was totally resonating with what the guy is saying there. I observe the effect of food on my physical and spiritual state for years now and he just nails it all.
So today I ask what feels natural, simple and right? I consult not only my soul, but also the body and earth.
2. Filtering and purifying my life and environment, treating myself well - I am prone to self-destruction and self-harm. I know this one well, but it hides under all kinds of guises. Since I stopped doing it so clearly, it became really subtle. One of ways for me to hurt myself is to eat what I know will hurt me, damage me and will make me suffer, the other way is sleep deprivation, another one is meeting people who discourage, disempower and hurt me, and the last one - I sabotage my truth.
So now I feel I am ready to let that game go. I don't need this anymore, I feel. This simplicity, softness, self-love, they are infusing into my life and there is no place for some people, activities and behaviors anymore.
I am streaming down to the core issues from my childhood and teenagehood, and there is a lot of pain and emotional baggage to be surfaced.
Detoxing the body and environment are crucial in this kinds of processes, and I am going to be there for myself this time, I am going to fully commit and whatever doesn't serve won't be allowed in.
As usually, I am completely on my own in my 'real' life, but I do have many inspiring and supportive people on the web, so I trust I will be just fine
Oh my God! I've been nagging for months to the universe to make me shift at least a little bit, and now... WOOOOOHOOOOO. Everything moves so fast. I feel every day like I am somebody else than yesterday and it is so funny and ridiculous to see my old behaviors playing out. I giggle all the time... I AM a bit worried though about making it a bit hard for those people who know me in my old state to adapt. Maybe this is one of the reasons I am still behaving odd. But anyway, it is all funny and I feel more and more happy and free every day, just as I dive deeper and deeper and see my stuff clearer and clearer.
Just one funny example: today in the morning I went to 'exercise' and play outside at the kids' playground. then I layed down on the grass under the trees, and right when I softened and relaxed a guy with a cigarette approached and asked if I am ok loudly. And I felt like jumping and choking him to death, and beating him until he understands that you don't interrupt people who finally found some peace under the trees, MADA FAKA! LOL I paused, squeezed my teeth and told him "I am ok, thank you". And after he was gone, I started processing this whole event. What I found is that I fear humans, and contract and put my needles out like some scared hedgehog hhhh So then I went into this and found I actually HATE humans, I felt indignation about their behavior here on earth and I felt that I know why I am afraid of them, because there is something sitting in my consciousness, a belief that they are just a bunch of ignorant and blind animals that went insane. They will run in whatever direction they are pointed at with zombies' eyes and smash anything on the way, including me.
Then I asked, frustrated, what is the thing with these cigarettes lately?! that I am being brought to all kinds of place where people smoke on me and I just can't stand it! I can't stand this suffering, when I am being taken the most basic thing - breathing! Then I let it go. Aaaaaah... What redemption it is to find myself beyond these things, undefined, unrestricted, unperturbed by them.
So I softened into all of that and just allowed myself to explore all the little shades of these feelings of anger, hatred, feeling tortured, intruded, irritated, suffering, suffocating, all of that... and at some point I felt just sadness, then compassion towards myself and people, and then, suddenly, I was not there... I was beyond all of this. It felt as if everything faded into infinity and I was in peace, calm, warm, soft, lying on the grass and looking at the sky and the tops of the trees shaking. Then I felt something I don't have words to describe. Some will get it if I say "I felt just me all over".
Note: this whole thing with humanity and indignation is actually karmic and I had several 'visions', starting from my incarnation (part of bringing my soul down here, then some of the experiences in the dark ages (medieval) where I had some very unpleasant encounter with the mob and some more stuff floated up, gently in the meantime, just hints. So I got the idea about what kind of pain I am going to go into at some point. Quite a challenge, but I wasn't afraid at all!
While I felt an inner determination to finally start what I felt to do for months, I was still quite questioning and looking for some more pieces of sync to be sure I am not getting lost here.
There were no bananas lately in the organic store, and I thought that maybe it was a sign... of what? What did it mean? Then I processed some self-doubt and self-shrinking and felt that I am ready.
Yesterday there were a lot of bananas, but not ripe enough. So I knew there is still something to look at, some resistance? Doubt. I felt doubt. A questioner was there, and a spiritual identity, that kept telling me "this is too strict", "this is too extreme", "this demands rigidity", etc
Then I looked at those and realized that strictness are the boundaries, extreme is when you fly high and don't get satisfied with some disempowering consensus and rigidity is commitment. I have picked all those nuggets of gold from the swamp....
And today I was supposed to go to the uni, but the bus 'took off' right before I arrived, so I went to another bus stop to catch another one, but somehow found myself going to the store and...
THEY WERE THERE!!!!
Piles and piles of ripe perfect bananas!!!! It never happened before, ever, in all the years I live here and go to this store.
And I knew it, I knew it - it was a gift! and an approval.
I had tears in my eyes so moved I was.. by these bananas hhhhh
I am sharing my facebook status, because I felt it belongs here really hhh And these are my recent observations and experiences and realisations, so:
"You don't need to be physically violent to turn your kid into a cripple for life, you just need to be a 'mainstream' parent and impose your beliefs and values on children. So I think many people would find out that most of who they think they are now, who they believe to be themselves is actually a lie, and really is just a system of behaviors, responses and reactions, arising from and built on conditioning and compensation mechanisms... Most people's behavior and emotions have nothing to do with who they really are, behind all the facade, behind the defense. Ironically enough, most 'spiritually oriented' people only build another, spiritual facade, replace the old fence with a new one, old fake society with another, new, 'spiritual' society, but it is an even more dangerous lie, because it can be so subtle and so misleading... Add there a more serious distortion sitting on karma - attachments of the soul, and you've got a puppet on strings rather than a human in his full power and beauty. "
Note: so to me, how do I know when I am as real as possible?
1. I can't tell how and what I am going to be like in the next moment.
2. I can't really define myself. Any definition feels wrong.
3. I can't really put how I perceived the world in words. I can get as close as I can to describe what I see now, but I am never sure, always expecting changes and it never sounds quite it. Words fail.
4. When I am aware and also sure I am not responding now to the external events in an automatic way.
5. Any realizations are temporary and instantaneous. I am passionate about them and I do stand with my truth, but I am not holding on to this truth, it doesn't define me and I don't feel like needing anybody to agree or approve, even that when somebody else feels and sees the same, it is very inspiring and uplifting, just an amplification loop
6. External world and outcomes are not important in themselves, but more as a mirror to tell me something about myself, to show me where to bring my awareness and find 'new me' all the time.
7. When I have no expectations or needs of things or people to be certain way. I am looking only at myself and am responsible for my feelings, behavior and events that are happening to me.
8. I speak from the heart without fear to be judged, unaccepted, not loved.
9. I am not afraid to lose whatever I have, I don't care whether I am enjoying or not, happy (in a mainstream sense) or sad, healthy or sick. All that matters is the experience itself.
10. I can't say I 'belong' to somewhere or something. Anything defined is too restrictive for the soul. But nevertheless, in this world we just have to flow within the boundaries, so there is some consensus and a degree of 'rooting', natural for humans. It can express itself as living within community, or feeling some affinity to a particular community of people who I might resonate with. But again, I never know what will happen next and don't build any dependencies and expectations, always ready for surprises and ready to go wherever I will be 'called' to.
11. No should be's. This one is especially important for those contaminated with spiritual identity, creating this degree of inner tightness around idea how things should be. Like a spiritual person should not fight, argue, yell, curse others. How do you know what your soul wants to experience now? How do you know what will serve best the person you are interacting with?
Example: today I was walking in Savyon, and there was a big dog, unleashed, walking calmly around. Then, as usually, a small noisy ridiculous dog jumped out and began to bark at the big dog, then chased it, got really close, but the big dog didn't even look at the small one. And at this point I was wondering: hmmmm if the big dog will keep walking like this and do nothing, the small one might try to bite to get the attention it seeks. And right away it did make a fast move towards one of the big dog's leg, as if with intention to bite, and, without even seeing it, the big dog immediately, with perfect timing, from walking calmly turned around and into a barking aggressive monster. The small one ran away still doing the funny AF! AF! The big dog turned around and kept walking as if nothing happened. I guess you get the idea what I am trying to say...
The point is that I can never know for sure what are the motivations of another person and where he is coming from. Most likely whatever motivation I am addressing is my own distortion I am seeing outside, as always
12. Vulnerability - is a really 'spiritually sexy' one hhhhh but it IS number 1 symptom you are close to being you hhh - you are vulnerable to your soul, to your truth, to your authenticity, no matter what others will think/say/do, no matter what happens. You just have to trust, trust in the divinity of the world and that whatever happens is the best for you and for all and that you have all the support and love in yourself for yourself and others. And this frees you from being dependent on the opinion of other people. Even if the whole world will decide you were wrong and will torture and execute you - can you still be yourself, can you still be your own best friend, in water and fire, in good days and 'bad days', in happiness and sadness, etc? Because the truth is you have nobody really, but yourself and will never have anybody more close and loving than you own higher self.
So I would say any kind of fear and anxiety are the signs you are now standing on the edge of choice - to be real and follow your soul OR to bend your tail and pretend that you are part of the herd, out of fear and lack of self-love.
13. And in general, there is just a feeling of REAL you can't mistake. It is very down to earth, simple, undefinable REAL. Like the trees are real and don't pretend or play to be something else, or like animals, walking around naked, just as themselves. Really a feeling of mmmm home, of just being something and feeling totally ok about it, whatever it is and whatever form it takes. A really deep unmistakable feeling... And usually you feel softly empowered. Not the egoic kind of empowerment, I am better than others, I am showing everybody I am strong because I ma really afraid and weak kind of power, etc But a soft, surrendered kind of power, when you know you are there for yourself, committed to what feels right, but softly, without fear to challenged or without fear to lose something or that something will go wrong. This trusting, pure, clear kind of power.
I guess one has to feel it at least for a moment how it is power without ego riding on its back to know what I mean."
I still feel that even this sounds already too defined and restrictive hhh but on the other hand, being afraid to name things is also a distortion
I know that to most people what might sound silly, but to me this is really horrible.
I can't stop crying. And it's been half an hour already. I can't even work on non-identification or anything. I am just crying and crying and I think it will never stop...
An old friend with whom actually not much is left in common, asked for a favor, to sleep over because of some situation he had. I agreed, even that now I understand I was light-minded about it.
I arranged him a futon couch...
No shoes in my place, I mean shoes you wear outside and he knows it. Also I have only one room, so my bed is basically in the living room. Plus my place is really eco-friendly. This is my safe space, you know, clear space, the little I've got hlip hlip
In the mornings I always do something to help myself to get into the body and start the day in some nice way, physically and spiritually. I do meditation and then yoga or dancing or workout, whatever feels good.
So the following stuff made me collapse:
1. During meditation his phone started beeping. I kept softening, but he put a hmmm like delay, when the phone is beeping every like 5 minutes or so so I asked him to stop it at some point.
2. I don't know why, what is the reason, but out of sudden he decided to get dressed with the help of my bed, i.e. he put his stuff on it and BROUGHT HIS SHOES there! :O Just how did he think he was supposed to pass through the whole home of mine after he put those on? I donnow ;'(
3. So I felt like OK, this is getting too much. I felt my space violated. This is my bed!!! I mean. I feel like I am going to faint now. I raised my voice and told him No, no, no... Not on my bed, please and no shoes, please.
4. So he went to use the bathroom. I already was in the middle of intense workout, breathing heavily. He got out and I felt it right away. I started shouting in panic: "Oh My Gooood!!! Oh my Goooooooooooooood!!!" and bursted in tears before I could even formulate what happened.
And what happened is that he used a spray deodorant, REALLY, I mean REEEEALLLLY a lot of it, like I could see a cloud filling my bathroom, the chemical one. So just as he opened the door - it just totally blew me away, got into my lungs, into my mouth. It was everywhere!!!!
I felt the taste of chemicals, I couldn't breathe. He said he was sorry, and he probably was a bit traumatized by my reaction, because, well, I couldn't imagine, I didn't think about it, so I never said about "no chemicals in my place", and so on.
Now all this is not so important. What IS important is that I feel that not only my space is rudely violated, but it is as if everything that is important to me is violated. How can I explain? As if the only place I can hide - the Matrix has got there and poisoned me, laughed at me. I feel like I have no place to go, and totally confused, about what was triggered, what is to learn, what is to realize and what is to let go of.
When all this horror happened, I got suicidal attack. I couldn't believe this. I felt like just fleeing out of the body, out of this place, away, disappearing. And I was feeling this most of my life, until I started to evolve spiritually, consciously. But I still have it.
And now I am sitting here and feel lost, I don't know what to do. There was laundry drying in the bathroom and now everything smells with this horrid thing. God, can't people smell it? What is wrong with the world?! Anyway, I don't know if to wash it again and restore the rosemary smell it had, because I added rosemary oil to the water Or to leave it in open air and wait until the stench is blown away somehow?
I need to use the bathroom and can't go in, because my mouth immediately gets the taste and I begin to cough (my forgotten chronic bronchitis lets know, I guess this thing irritates the respiratory tract).
And in general, I just feel I don't know what to do, totally disoriented, shattered, disempowered, smashed and ruined.
There are some threads I see flying in the air, apart from the stench particles hhhh (right, crying and laughing together lol)
1. For example, he is the only friend left who can help me out with things. I just have nobody else. For example, if I need some help at home with something I can't do, or anything... And I've been asking for over a year whether my connection, the last bits of old bond with him is to keep or to release, and move on fearlessly. So there will be nobody to help. Ok! Something somehow will just work itself out.
2. Another one is about respecting myself and my space. Because my main anger is about him not being sensitive and not respecting my truth and my space. BUT! The truth is that he is only mirroring my own disrespect and the lack of sensitivity towards myself. I felt ashamed of saying no to him and felt like in debt for all the help I was receiving from him over years. So I couldn't really feel out what to do and stand with my truth, what feels right.
3. Maybe it is time to write some funny list, like "We don't wear shoes in this house. We don't use chemicals, and anything not friendly to the environment. No dead animals of any kind in here..." and I mean this list is like... Come on! Maybe I just should look really well at the people and feel out well who to let in and who is better hang out on the outside, in neutral territory.
4. Another important pieces floating that haves (haves? ok, I really need to breathe and center somehow hahaha) nothing to do with this event, but are connected, I feel.
*There is a huge blind spot around this topic, but I feel disturbed and hunted by men. I won't extend, I guess a session with Chris is needed here...
**I don't have washing machine in my place, because there is no connection here (water/electricity). So I was dependent on Danny before he moved in with his girlfriend. So I went to my mom, but forgot to bring the natural washing gel and softener and so my laundry was washed with chemical substances and I felt really sad about it. It felt not right. I was checking on laundries available in my area, but again, they all do chemicals. I considered hand washing, but in 4 months it never happened, I just never had time or strength left to do it, so I ended up with endless piles of laundry.
Again, this feeling dependent and then violated, poisoned... I feel it has to do with my childhood and how my mom was torturing us, waving with this 'we're little and helpless' until I grew up and 'hit back'.
I just feel awful now... and at the same time happy, because it was always there, this sense of being small, helpless and tortured in this world, and my inability to defend myself, because I can't fight these things, I just can make my choices, the best choices I can at each moment...
And I feel... so broken and weak.
And now... Ok, I won't let it break me. It is raining here, sounds of water all around
ANd I have green smoothie waiting for me, and I WILL dare to go into the bathroom and take a shower, bravely. After all, I am not this body and what this inability to breath (another spike)... I mean this event just had to push ALL the buttons?! And bring ALL the karmic stuff up?!!
It might really help to breath - to allow a meditation to guide you... perhaps 'Return to Light'...
Try your knitting. It can be quite therapeutic too. Even if just to focus on something else.
It might be easier to see things from a clearer perspective then.
Sending a heart full of Love your way!
I did exactly like you say
I as usually started talking to myself and said: Ok, just relax now, have some fun, what do you want to do? And then later, I promise, we will look at all of this again. But now - just breaaathe hhhhh
Thank you, Trin!
Big hug <3
I have discovered new me again. One of the side effects of this kind of discovery is seeing how I was fooled before, and how many things I felt were me were just a copycat, a really bad one, but good enough for me to go blind and buy this lie, to believe this shadow is me. And now maybe I can get a hint why later this subtle ego is called shadow. Probably because it feels exactly like a shadow of what is real. Now I can't believe I thought it was me.
I have to learn to do everything from the scratch again, because none of what suited before fits this feeling I am having now.
I always believed that whatever I am presented with, I can handle and that this is a matter of choice.
I feel humble now, after almost 48 hours of crying and crying, well, with some breaks to eat, wee and sleep, and feeling the most horrible and intense pain in my life, maybe because I can feel more now.
I know exactly what is going on, I know where it is coming from and what to look at, but if yesterday I thought it was too much to handle, then today I was shown what it is really too much.
And there was nothing I could do. Nothing. Not to stop it, not to do anything about it at all. It was far beyond my ability to hold the space for myself, to find lightness, to soften, or any of this. The only thing that was there is some traces of awareness, popping up from the fog of complete insanity, pain and despair.
The only thing I could find to help myself is an old habit, old addiction - I cut myself. This is when I felt the relieving numbness, as if I got some shot of numbing drug or as if I am half-dead or dead.
I was looking at all this and I felt betrayed by benevolence, I felt deceived.
And then I got it: I had a specific idea around how benevolence would work, how I am supposed to feel and behave, etc
But the thing is that... maybe I wasn't meant to be a big spiritual hero and DEAL with it. Maybe I was meant to experience it exactly how it was. And who said I was supposed to be all nonidentified?
And wait a minute, who is deceived?
And then I got it. My ego couldn't FIX this, because it enjoyed the game so much, it was busy with the emotional fireworks hhhh It didn't want to be spiritual suddenly. There was something much more fun to do. And this is where I got to see WHO is processing usually, a fake identity!!! Attached to processing, but really trying to get rid of the pain and discomfort, rather than being freed and released from the identification. I was fooled by my own self hhhhhhhhh
It was the hardest things I have ever went through in my life. I feel exhausted, drained. I leaked a lot of energy in this whole drama, and the cuts hurt, also I feel so confused, what happened, but at least I saw something really important, apart from seeing what all the neediness and lack of self-love do to me, i.e. how different needy Yulia is from real me. Tough lesson it was and I have a feeling that it is only the beginning.
I am sitting here now and feel so strange. I just wish that everything around would collapse, fall apart and somebody would say: It is over. It was a big joke! It was not real. You are free.
But here I am, surrounded by weird stuff, having this weird body, feeling these weird things. I don't understand any of this... Like a dream. Everything feels like a dream. Surreal.
Where is the truth? What is behind this thick unpenetrable curtain? Who am I?! I can't say anymore. I can't say what is real and what is not. And is there real at all?
Strange feeling, empty, hollow, tired to fight, tired to pretend, tired to play, confused...
But I guess I'll have to pick myself up again, and keep moving through all the layers of this multi-layered dream, full of dark corners and unexpected holes under feet and be brave. It will hurt. Now I know how much it can hurt, and I am sure it will hurt so much more. But it can't stop me. I just can't stop. So I will just find some way to stop whining and face the challenge. I will try...
And I will start with sleeping. Can't sleep. Will try to sleep now. This one is easy... and nice
much love to you!
I can empathise with you and your experiences!
I feel that I can't trust myself anymore because behind every action, every thought seems to be ego...I feel like running in circles with no beginning and no end.
But I hope (and that is all I can do) that somewhere and at sometime I will find a crack in the circle through which I can move on...
Till then there seems nothing else to do but to play the game and shed layer after layer (even with the knowing that when I shed a layer I dont really remove it but replace it with a lighter one..)
So keep going! You are in my heart and thougths!
Recently I knew something is going on, something is shifting big time. I went 100% raw, finally did all the laundry that I collected for months hhhh and then had a very serious nervous breakdown, which I accepted as if it was a normal part of my life.
I have been begging for some time already to show me the truth, to free me, to help me... and I feel I am answered, as always.
Today I had one of the most intense, beautiful and amazing experiences. I processed karma. A big bulk. It covered so much that I can't even start describing here, it held in it everything I was experiencing lately. All pieces came together and I wish I could describe better how it feels.
And the only word that can work for me is the word COLLAPSE.
It feels as if everything suddenly collapses, all the pieces flying in the air, all the emotions, the states, the tightness, all the visible part of the state of my consciousness - the 'movie' - everything comes together and falls.And I felt myself as collapsing and reaching something deep in my center.
I felt like flying through all the layers inwards, deeper and deeper, and it felt like it will never end, and then, suddenly I hit something in there, a point where everything comes together, where everything is slow, I don't know how to explain even or how to call it.
It also feels as if I have 'eyes' there, other eyes than human eyes, and they look differently at the world.
Something is happening to me. Something big... And I feel like YESSSS! YESSSSSS!!!!! from deep within, a great joy is hiding under this pain, behind this veil of darkness and blindness I am experiencing for so long.
I always told myself that if I see myself blind - I already see some of the truth, and it IS true. Now... I am crying, so unbelievable this thing is, to touch this space inside... I... I... have no words.
I felt so confused in the morning. I feel confused all the time. As if my brain is in some strange state of melting. Then there was a fog, and many contradicting feelings and impulses, how to proceed on my path.
And then I meditated and it all cleared away. And I am left with what is real: the energy of change. I want change (a feeling). I shared on fb what I feel now, and it really belongs here, actually:
"I am trying to figure out where it is me and where it is all the other things/people that influenced me, where all these identities are. I am so fed up with any resistance, control or effort that at this point I prefer total disappearance to a lie. But the thing is that the body is still on auto-pilot. I can see it giving fake smiles, saying fake hellos, lying, pretending, trying to impress or please, or to protect itself, wanting things, afraid of others... So I am softening, more and more, no self-judgment. It is not my fault I am this way, and it is not me, all this. It's just a funny 'picture' shown to me, so I can learn, a game. And I hug myself.
I just want to be me, more than anything in the world. I just want the truth, I want my innocence back, I want true profound joy, the one of the soul experiencing this peculiar 'reality'. I want to be free. It is not a desire. It is an inner yearning, so intense that I can't deny it anymore. I can't keep lying to myself for longer than a couple of hours.
It is so hard, to let go all the ideas, ideals, views, opinions, recipes, manuals, let go the need to be something, to be a specific way, the need of other people and things to be in some particular way. I don't care about life and death, don't care about health, how I look, smell, I don't mind feeling pain or suffering, I even don't care whether I am happy or not anymore, and I even don't care about my soul.
All I care about is this undescribable feeling inside, THE WAVE, coming from a point of absolute completeness. When I become this wave, I feel that everything is working, nothing is at conflict with anything anymore, the body, the soul and the 'wave' come all together. All mysteries and paradoxes are resolved. There is no effort. But it lasts only moments or minutes, and then I can feel my ego, I can feel the owning, the resistance, the control climbing back again. I can feel the suffocation. But it is not me anymore, it is inside me. So each day I am more and more in peace with it, accepting and surrendering more and more.
And then 'karma' is flashing me. Old stuff floating up. Old stories, old traumas, old feelings, dark, painful events. Nothing scares me anymore. I see myself, see what is inside, without fear. I let it all rise from the tombs, rise from under the lid, all the blessings from hell, and then, suddenly - I am on the other side. As if the world flips on itself, as if everything inverses on itself and collapses, and I am in paradise, free, and sink so deep into myself that there is no myself anymore. Just the depth... and enormous expansion out of this depth.
I feel like all my prayers are answered, and I feel myself being held and taken in the hands of the universe, of all that is good, benevolent, the light and grace surround me all the time. And even when all I can see is darkness, and all I am is my ego, I know that it is only the opposite side of God's face being shown to me, so I can know who I am, who God in me is, and I am celebrating.
I am truly blessed."
The hardest part for me now is to infuse all this somehow into my life. I feel so many things are not in place, I can't relate to them anymore, I can't find myself in them... But nothing changes, and I feel frustration... So I say myself: patience.
There is a book I am reading now, Coelho's Aleph. It had so many personal messages for me, that I felt as if it was written for me hhhhh And there he talks about strength and will-power. That will-power is the ability to be persistent over prolonged periods of time. And I feel the new 'strength' building itself in me. The strength to wait patiently and let things happen on their own pace and way, while not losing the objective from the horizon.
And the objective is THE WAVE
I know I am not alone. I know I am treated personally. And I know I won't be let to get too lost.
Recently I felt a new energy coming, like some strength, power, fire, as if the wind of changes is blowing full on.
And there are several things that just fell off and new things stream into my life.
One of these things is that I am falling in love with Earth. I mean I always felt a connection, but was always unhappy about being here and in the body.
And now... I can't even describe it. Such love and gratitude.
The universe takes such a great care of me and sent me Simon, a guy who is doing a traditional sweatlodge here in Israel!!! (unbelievable) and I meet so many interesting people there, who really move me and make me feel so humble.
Yesterday I did it, feel so soft now, so close to earth. Beatiful, beautiful connection and experience it is!!! Why was and still am I running away from it? I don't know...
Keep riding those winds of change Yulia.
It was the same for me with my relationship with Mother Earth... I loved Earth, yet, didn't want to be here. Life got a whole lot 'easier' when I accepted my place here. I fell into her arms.
It's no wonder you still run at times...
But, I can not help but see that those who have the most challenging journey shone the brightest light of all.
What a ride we are having here, ha? hhhh
Big big loving hug <3
I don't know what is going on with me, but something has changed.
Before I thought life is hard and was whining about the difficulty of the path and the pain.
But now... the story is completely different. It seems like kindergarten, what was happening earlier.
I am experiencing all kinds of horrible pains, and each is somehow pulling up karmic stuff. As if all my inner identities somehow sit on karma. I am crying all the time and feel like I just can't take it. It feels like I am standing under rain and every drop causes me intense pain and suffering.
Also it seems like everything is being taken from me. It is so hard. I feel like God wants me to lift some weight I just can't lift. I feel torn apart.
What is so overwhelming is that I constantly feel so loved and that it is love that is tearing apart, that is crushing and torturing me.
I have my moments of weakness when I feel so angry with God that things have to be so twisted and tough. It makes it even harder.
And at the same time there is something new I feel in me, something I didn't know before, some kind of strong something, it feels like something that smashes everything out of the way, anything that it feels not belong, it is not afraid of anything and can't be damaged by anything.
This week also it was the first time when I felt my soul occupying certain parts of the body. Before I used to feel it maybe streaming through me or just feeling the essence of it in my heart, but this time it was as if filling the body itself. I got spooked in the beginning, but then allowed it. I couldn't stay like this for long, especially when it reached my lower part of the body, especially legs.
Weird experiences, and I feel so scared and confused... As if I am going totally crazy.
And there is also this thing, that I feel like shouting HEEEEEELP and trying as if to cling on something to save myself... another piece of karma constantly coming up, but also I feel it has to do with the process I am going through now.
Sooooo challenging, so hard! God.
Things that help me are simple things: eating only food that doesn't make it harder and adds more pains on me. I gave up any cooked stuff for now. I keep exercising, more and more intense workouts, even if I feel like crawling on the way. It really helps me to find inner strength to keep going then on the more mmmm inner level. Yoga simply saves me. And I kicked some people out of my life and feel pretty much like isolating myself, apart from those who I can trust, which is not many at the moment, maybe one or two... So I also feel very lonely now. But I prefer it to the noise and disturbances.
The only two things I feel that I still 'hold' is computer, internet and the mental information and stimulation. I know it needs to be cut and so I will be left in striking silence and even sharper loneliness and emptiness. And I know I have to do it, but still can't, it feels like it's just too much.
I now watched Gateway 3 and 4 again. It really helped somehow. I always cry when I watch the 3d for some reason, it stirs something up I guess, can't quite say what.
Haaaaaaa There is a war inside me now. And I feel I have had enough of it. I want it to end, somehow. I need a miracle... Some miracle.
I was feeling such immense gratitude that I can feel at all. Some people don't seem able to. I feel incredible pain, suffering, the all of it too... yet it is that same ability to feel that makes me feel LOVE too.
You were talking about that just yesterday.
It's the ability to feel that will show you the way home.
Sending you a heart full of Love and thanks.
Have a look at this video, if you haven't already...
It is so interesting!
I 'betrayed' 'God' today in a way, I was whining and complaining and felt like I hate Him, hate the life given to me and I just wanted to disappear somehow. So I called my mom, the only person who was available.
And my Mom told me that I have problems with trust and gratitude. My mom!!!! I mean, something is really changing in the world hhhh
And then I saw this video about gratitude and this video with Father Bede Griffiths:
and I knew for sure that I am being talked to, in all ways possible and am sent a message of love.
And then I sat and cried for hours, hugged by benevolence. Really cleared my heart.
Huuuugs!!! ((((((((((( <3 )))))))))))))
So yesterday was beautiful and magical.
I felt all kids of amazing things.
And yet, I was crying all these days.
And since yesterday evening - I am in hell. I did't want to wake up,
or was hoping I was just tired. But today I woke up into an even greater hell.
I feel such horrible pain that I can't digest it is possible to survive it. As if something is pressing my heart, squeezing it, pure suffering.
I am working for hours to feel what it is about, what to look at, but my mind just goes insane.
I think the best way to explain it is that I feel yearning, like for a lover. As if I have a strong bond with somebody or something, but can't be with it, for some reason. The pain of this separation is unbearable. And I feel like dying. Like without it I am just dying. And again, this whole thing with breathing.
I can't see what it is. I am just picking that much of my stuff has to do with it. Including the neediness, intense anxiety, a sense of loneliness, abandonment, betrayal, depression, destructiveness, unwilling to live, fear of people, fear to open and feel, to love, to connect... so many things.
I am lost here. Lost in this dark place.
I am feeling it, then distracting myself for a while, then feeling it again. Just how much can someone cry?
I now got some tip from up/in there. Get up and do things. All that is needed to be done. Just to keep moving and living and not to allow it to 'kill' me. But apart from that I am still not shown mmmm the truth...
I guess that the shift in the field, while indescribably beautiful, is also very catalyzing and shaking. Everything is more intense. I feel more of everything. Like some sensor.
I guess I am better prepare to this increased level. Looks like the rules of the game are a bit changed. It's like deal with these things or die. I mean when it hurts so much, you have no choice but looking at it. You can't run away. You can't hide. Not for too long.
I don't know. On the other hand I feel I don't want these things anymore. They feel irrelevant. I am tired of these games. While all these negative extreme sensations are definitely enjoyable in some interesting way on a certain level, but it feels like I am so done. I still want to play with these things. It makes life so intense and interesting. But I am sure there are other, more aligned, positive and productive ways to be here.
I don't know how. I am not used to lightness, happiness, joy, light, love. I feel like I was born in the darkness and lived in darkness all my life. Suffering is all I know and this is my comfort zone. How do I go from here? I am trying my best to transform myself since 19, to find a way. And now, I am 32, and I still can't let that go, still won't trust, still won't open, still prefer to stick to the dark side of life. And I am still at war with this power, the light, the benevolence or God, or whatever this thing is that caused things to be this way. Still full of grudge, anger, resentment against it and its ways. I can't find my peace, I can't find the way.
How? How do I go from here? I just don't know. But I know something is changing. Something is happening. I believe, I know that I will be redeemed, and that I will take the whole world with me.
And if there is anybody else who is experiencing this kind of extreme things, I am sending a hug and all the love I can find in myself now. I am sure this is a good thing, just energy moving. And it is all ok, and it will all be ok.
Ok, crying attack again hhhhhhhh
I don't know why but it feels to me as if I am completing some very important stage in my life. It is still not over, but it feels like a small summary.
And the summary is:
When I look back, I see that I was and still am in a way pretty silly all the way hahaha And I was silly not because of all the mistakes and choices I've made, including those that made me suffer, not because of all kinds of tough experiences... that now look so ridiculous, as now I know I was always responsible for them; it is not because I hurt people on the way. The only reason is that I always wanted something I didn't have, and I didn't even know what it was hhhhhh And it was driving me insane!!!!!
The silliness was about self-nonacceptance, which caused me to fight the whole world around. I wanted myself and the universe to be something other than it is.
So the Great Shift (hhhh) now, as it feels to me, has everything to do with just acceptance.
I didn't know how much it affected my life and my experiences. It took the taste of living, it was preventing me from living life fully, from having fun, it took all the joy out of it.
So, the summary IS - I now get a taste of how it is to live life when accepting myself and the world. It is a very big thing for me, as it feels I was at war for an eternity. Imagine how it feels to suddenly make peace. It is a redemption on a universal scale for me.
I am not nice, I am not kind, I am not always pretty, I am not always good. I can be a little devil. I am so human, with all the limitations, challenges of it, all the distortions and kinkiness, blindness...
I came to know such dark scary corners of myself, I was swimming in my subconscious over the last year and have seen horrible things in myself. I was truly horrified and I was trying to avoid and deny those things, not on purpose. It was just to much to bare and I was afraid that it could cause harm to me or my surroundings. Through these I came to understand how such things as murder, violence, torturing others, how indifference, sadism, all these things happen in the world. I came to understand what an unleashed ego can do, how it feels. I can say that if people knew what world I am holding within myself, they would probably get fainted hhhhh
But what can I do? This is all my experiences.
I can feel I am well-balanced now. I can see such grace, such beauty, such incredible light in myself, and there is just as much darkness and horror. I really do feel I am close to having the whole world inside, the 'good' and the 'bad'.
I don't know why and I don't need to know, but I finally get it all together. I know I am not brought down here to be white and fluffy. I wanted it to be this way, but the closer I get to myself, the more I see that I have a lot of executor, a slaughterman in me. I was judging myself for that, I hated myself for that and I thought I only needed to forgive myself. But the truth is that I had to accept that it is an inherent part of me and agree to live with it and to be like this forever. I thought destructiveness, hatred, aggression are all bad.
And now I am crossing the barrier, carefully. I really try not to lose it completely, and still in the process of discovering myself and the boundaries, and also feel the balance between empathy and compassion and the destructive-constructive force acting in me. And I find out that what caused me the pain is not the force itself, but the resistance to use it as I should, so I was directing it towards other things, to distract myself.
So now I am accepting all these parts of me. I am making a peace with a killer, and the exploiter, with the liar, with insanity, with all those things.
And I feel peace. I feel peace. I feel so close home, that it seems it can't get any closer. I know it can And for once I am enjoying this yearning, this longing, this taste...
Imagine: you were lost for an eternity. You were so far away from home and you were suffering really badly. You had no rest, you had no peace, you had no home. And now you can see it, you can smell it, you can touch it, but you're still not exactly there. But it is already enough to make you feel this completeness, the sense of resting in peace, the sense of coming back to where you belong, this warm deep undefinable place inside. This is how I feel.
And at this stage I feel like saying thanks to Chris, Trin and Lesley, to my friends whom I met in Openhand and Deedeechka, my good friend here in Israel (I feel like it's an Oscar speech lol, but I don;t care, because I really want to say it hhhh).
Yes, so... I feel I grew up enough to feel which parts are completely in resonance and which are not, where we're like almost one, and where we still hold our individuality, and the uniqueness of our paths and perceptions/experiences. And it just doesn't matter, all the differences, because how boring it would be if we were all the same! Think about it
Yes, I couldn't have met better friends than you were for me during these challenging times I was having.
And the last things I feel saying, most important things I've learned for myself in the last several years:
1. There is nothing in the world that doesn't come from the Source. Everything has its origin there. And to me, there is nothing that ever happened or is happening that didn't have the probability of happening, which means to me that it all has a certain divine origin and so there is nothing to judge, avoid, deny. All these are faces of God, and therefore, are my own faces. I don't have to let them all take over me and rule me and my life, but I do have to learn to accept and love them.
2. The world outside is a mirror of myself. I am the only one here in this whole huge universe. hhh There is no point to see it for what it is for me, but more to explore who I am, who am I seeing there, and what do I feel to do about it. And here there are no right or wrong choices. Any decision and action will have their result or effect, but if I am not afraid of anything, like death, or getting hurt, or anything else, then why should I worry or be anxious about what I am choosing? In the world of mirrors I can be a free man, a free soul, and explore anything and everything, with no exception, dark and light, right and wrong, good and bad. Free...
But! It has some side-effects. One of them is that you can't blame others for what is happening anymore. And you treat the world just as you treat yourself, and you can see it so clearly. But it's not a problem if you have a big pair...
3. 'External' influence is very important. What I feed is what I get. And here choice and balance is muy importante. What I mean, is what I read, watch, who I communicate with, everything has a great impact on how life is lived and felt. To me it is not important anymore whether I am being influenced or not. I anyway have created all these things around to help me feel who I am now, to make a choice and then live it. The important thing is what makes me live and what makes me die. These two have become the two parameters to look at. Good/bad, up/down, pleasant/painful, spiritual/egoistic/distorted, etc. These are not so important for me anymore. The question is what makes me alive and what makes me feel like I am dead. When I feel dead - this is when I know something is about to change. And I am now embracing this feeling of death. There were always great things happening to me after these dead periods, great revelations, great uprises, great realisations and changes. I am not afraid to fall anymore. I see it as a part of the ride. And also, when choosing this way, life is really fun. There are no limitations really. And the boundaries become more of funny decorations.
4. I am the master of my world and I am God Sounds a bit nuts hhhh It's like saying I am Napoleon lol. But it is really so, and it can get to as ridiculous levels as manifesting desires to the most divine creation of the world around. The thing here is to know who wants what. There are often conflicts between what inner identities, personality, ego, soul and my inner God want. This is when things get messy on the outside hhhh So this is where I have learned to make a choice, what I want to follow. If it is ego - I go for it. It's ok for me too. As long as it was a conscious choice. I just need to make the choice. And then something happens, I learn from it and... that's basically it. Very simple.
5. No effort. I didn't understand what it means for years. I thought I should soften, relax, letting go all kinds of things I think I should let go of, that I should feel in some specific way. But the thing is that all these are just possible side effects, they are not the goal. I can use them to help me get to the place of non-efforting, to taste it, but they are not important in themselves, at least that's what I have realised after a lot of wandering and confusions and mishits. What it really means to me now is just living beyond ideas, concepts, patterns. It doesn't mean I am all perfect, soft, relaxed, etc.
It means not fighting what is happening and not trying to control, direct, push it, and it means no intention and no expectation. That is all it means. It includes no expecting of myself not to expect, not to intent, not to control and all of these.
It is just a state of simple experience.
It is knowing myself to the extent I am knowing and feeling myself now and being in peace with that, not wanting to change anything.
It is being a human and feeling cool about it, and at the same time not being anything at all and living beyond any definitions and concepts.
It is building myself every moment and then immediately destroying it, letting the wind blow it, the water wash it, leaving me innocent, clear and open, and then building again, and again, and again...
It is just living a life as it is, but in an aware state and while owning it, feeling it inside.
Non-efforting means being simple, taking it all simple, and living it simple. I guess you get it when you get it, just like I am doing now. But when it happens - wow! That's really 'nice' hhhhhh I mean it's fantastic!
Ok, I've summarized all the important things, I think.
Ok, I keep going
Ok, I am still undergoing a crazy and impossible fusion of worlds within me.
I am happy to say that after two years of horrible suffering and pain, the process flipped and has turned into something very funny and fun.
There are still challenges, there are still all kinds of feelings and emotions, and old scary monsters floating up, there is a periodical dipping into a complete darkness and hollowness (don't know what's more intense hhhh), but I really feel I begin to get the taste of who I am REALLY.
This words, "who I really am", or being real, I understand them so differently now. It feels ridiculous how I thought/felt that real me was this or that, and now I can see it was just a veil, a disguise, a layer, that served some process, played some temporary role, and now it is crumbling, and nothing is left, leaving me with tears or a smile on my face, or both. Because when the fake mask falls off... at that very moment, before the next one is put on - this is when I get to feel the realness of myself.
And the funny thing is that there is always some mask. 10 years ago there was a 20-yo-Yulia mask. Then at my 25 there was another mask. There was a mask two years ago, one month ago, 1 week ago... etc
I feel really funny now, how I was looking for something specific. How I was hoping for these fake layers to fall off and leave me innocent, pure, clear, real haha Or how I thought my essence is me, how my soul is me... My essence is just another mask! And this is amazing to get to really feel it.
Everything really then turns into a game. There is nothing that can be taken seriously, on a deep level.
So, who am I, without confusing between the role I play, as a soul, as a person, as a human, even as a universe revealing itself, as whoever or whatever, without pretenses, without projections of what I would want things to be on myself, without copying others, without needing or relying on any ideas, inner or outer truths, on anything at all... including my purpose, instantaneous or general?...
I was digging for years to touch that innocent clear space, and after crashlanding over and over again, in pain and despair, after retreating and coming back again, after breaking the unpenetrable barriers, after getting to see the scary demons I am carrying within myself, after realizing I am carrying EVERYTHING within myself, the good and the bad and the ugly, whatever I am seeing outside - I am all of it...
What do I get after all those shocking revelations, after getting myself torn, constantly destroyed and rebuilt, again and again?
This is what I get: I get THE JOKE!
What I get is a big universal smile, the laughter of my life.
And what do I get from this? Absolutely nothing. Life is exactly the way it was. Everything is the same. Only that I now know that it is all a game. I mean I really know it, I really feel it, constantly.
And who am I really? Hahahahaha - this is the only answer that can give a taste of how it feels when I ask this question now.
I am laughing at all those descriptions, all those attempts to define something like this.
How, how do you define something that is so much higher than anything that mental plane can guess or process? It's impossible, and I now can see what damage it caused, that I actually was exposed to other people's attempts to define this kind of things.
Recently, which is since the weeping weeks, that happened around December, I began to really feel that I don't want to hear or know anything that tries to talk about the 'untalkable' anymore. These things are felt, experienced, or they don't exist. And this is how I feel it should be, for me. And once they are felt - they should be held within intact, until they die and evolve into something else. And this is how I get why it is so misleading and confusing, the clumsy pieces of info available. Because:
1. You share only what you feel you can share, not the whole inner world, because it is impossible
2. Because you can't put anything into words without deforming it.
Now I am working hard on clearing my mental plane of all the pieces, ideas, somebody else's visions concerning these things.
I feel like taking a really intense shower before stepping into the world of undefinable, not somebody else's described world, which I erroneously took as the only world possible to live in. just like it happened with this physical world, the world of modern values was the only one existing for me, and it felt wrong, the same now again... a new cycle begins, I can feel it and I can taste it, and it is so different from what I was told, and rightly so. These things can only be known through experience.
Because living as a person on this plane, the physical, the tangible, is such an intimate and personal thing, it is so personal, that it gets to a place that there is nobody but me. So whoever has tasted this sense of an inner intimacy, this inherent aloneness, this deep connection... Well, whatever it is I am getting is much, MUCH more intimate, personal, individual. It is like the whole world is opening before my eyes... again. And it has nothing to do with whatever I was exposed to before. Everything feels like some barriers and disruptions, like some lenses.
And I am wondering:
When I felt that there is another world, another layer, that feels more true and real to me, more fair, more pure, than what I was exposed to in my life, what I was taught to be true... I had the same feeling - as if I had an impenetrable veil before my eyes, I could really feel I have some filters that didn't allow me to see reality as it is. Now I feel the same, only on a new level.
Whatever I thought was real is now a veil again.
And I am absolutely fascinated!!!!!! Totally blown away by this.
And this is why the only deeply truthful thing I can say about myself is HAHAHAHA
Because... there is no end to this, as long as I exist as some I, there is no real me, there are just new masks I am trying on and playing with. This is all.
And now the conundrum is:
How do I even talk about myself, about my experiences? How do you put your experience in words? Because all this is a lie. Everything I feel is a lie, everything I experience is a lie. Not in a negative way, but it IS a great lie, a great joke.
So anything I am saying feels like HAHAHA
And at the same time, there is a great inner distress, inner in-congruence, because I still do feel things, and there is still relative truth in all this bunch of lies, which now goes beyond the physical, but I know it is another lie! Another layer.
There is still an illusion of choice, much more vague, much less viscous, but it is still there, in a way.
I don't know, again, how do I express when everything feels like it is not real, and when I know I will be got wrong. I can feel it, how I am misinterpreted, how I am not seen, how I can't find a way to connect the dots between the planes.
And the most interesting thing - I don't know how it is possible, but there is still so much mess on a physical and personality level. I discovered that I thought I am supposed to be clear or perfectly grounded, or whatever, before I am allowed to taste the truth, and now there is a short circuit on my mental, because things don't work the way I imagined. Very funny, but also pretty destabilizing.
And I am angry. Just as I was angry with the society that brought me up and so I absorbed and learned to own it's concepts, ideas and truths, I feel the same now about all the spiritual sources I was ever exposed to. I adopted, owned what was not mine and what was not intended to be my reality. And now I have to clear the mess, just like am still clearing the mess of the upbringing conditioning. And at the same time, I realize that it is probably a natural process, and there is nothing to be angry about. There is just a higher potential pulling the old potential, again and again, layer by layer. Maybe we need to be conditioned first to then discover the truth out of that relativity existing in our mental field as a reference? And there are many things that are still true for me too, and they still serve me greatly. Something to look at, I guess. I don't know. And I don't care so much about why and how. I also don't want to call anything names anymore.
I don't care where I or anybody else is at in the process. I don't want to catalog or be cataloged. I feel this kind of things is irrelevant in my world.
All I know is that I can't stop this process, I can maybe retard it, but I can't stop it, and that there is a lot to climb up, like an infinite ladder into the unknown.
And the good old question, a never-ending, an unresolvable question, as long as I exist, WHO AM I?, in the background, constantly... Who am I, again and again... A great question. A question of all questions, the one that I can trust will always push me towards new revelations about the degree of fraud I am at now, the one that will peel everything off until there is nothing left. And I don't mean something that feels like nothing. I mean nothing!
This IS the question that won't let me rest. And unlike before, when I felt stressed, haunted by it, now I LOVE IT! I totally love it, I enjoy it, I celebrate it.
All this is really exciting...
Who am I? LOL! There is no one here.
"I" recreate myself afresh every moment.
How wonderful is that?
I feel like it's raining with realizations since yesterday
One of them is a sudden switch of my perception of humbleness.
Before: I thought being humble is being 'politically' correct, and it was mind-led
In between: pain, darkness and getting familiar with the horror-lands of my subconsciousness taught me what humbleness is (for me). And it is not some state, mood, or anything, it is a way of existence. Humbleness is this inner softness, that is totally independent of what I experience right now. I can be in total ego-trip, and yet, on the inside, be humble.
Now: now humbleness and empowerment are inseparable. One can't really live without the other. They balance each other, and make the experience and the act of creation (including self-creation) full and complete.
Another realisation is about the balance between a compassion towards the aspects of me on the outside and a compassion towards myself as a protagonist of the game. I began to feel some degree of suffocation about my 'compassionate' lifestyle several months ago. And then I realised that a great part of it was outdated and based on a spiritual identity rather than a conscious choice.
I have made certain choices several years ago, but then it turned into a habit, and this can be a trap. When does it happen? And here I was not very sensitive when the time came to adapt and reconfigure myself again, because I thought it was my ego rebelling. So I began to question, what is it about, and how can it be, that a higher level of consciousness makes me actually adapt my life in a less compassionate way than before? And the answer was: self-compassion.
Yes, I made my choices based on a compassion, but some of the things I did were creating stress and actually were causing a constant damage.
I am not built perfectly to live in a perfect harmony with nature yet. So why push myself to the extreme and do things that make it harder? So I could feel that I can't live relying only on the compassion towards other creations, and have to balance it with my compassion and understanding of myself and my needs, which can change all the time, and so there can be no lifestyle really, but more choices in the moment.
And I could clearly see that true choice can't become a decision forever (for me). Once it is a rigid decision or attitude - it is not a choice, it is a structure, a construct. And any construct strips me of choice.
There are many, but I'll pick the last one:
Work and play
All my life I felt like I am here to work.
Later I tried to adopt the attitude of purpose and service. These two were always a big problem for me, since I am uncapable in my nature to build any possible 'goals' or 'purposes' to converge to. And any time I was demanded to give an answer to this question - what is my purpose, I either felt deep frustration because I was unable to find any appropriate answer... OR I lied, told what I was expected to say, which is even more frustrating (I was not fully aware of it).
And now I think I found a proper answer, the one that feels right: I am here to play
It might sound not as great as "I am here to save humanity", but nope, I am here to just play.
And I think that I have solved one of the greatest tasks of my incarnation, by peeling some barrier that was blocking my ability to experience life as it is, a huge fun game.
So 'work', duty, responsibility, this immense inner tightness are off my shoulders and I feel like some sack full of stones is taken off my back.
I can be who I am and I feel no shame about it.
About service - the same. The whole perception of what service is is gone. First of all, people outside are also me, so who exactly do I want to serve? (this is not mental realisation, this is a shift in a way I experience it all) This is just funny. So I go back to playing, playing with my own reflections, with myself, with whatever is in my field...
Part of it might be experienced as a pull to help, or to ask for help, or in whatever way. But really, I can't call it service. It is more of just fulfilling myself through allowing the protagonist to fuse more with its reflections and help itself grow by helping its reflections grow. Something like that. And it is also just a game. Nothing more.
Well, what can I say?
Life is spectacular! Really. I can't say it is a great gift, or that it is all wonderful in its all aspects. I won't say that, because this is not the way I have created it (probably so it is not too boring hhhhhhhhh). But it is just a real magical playground. Yay
Recent realizations about individual truth, spiritual bubbles, acceptance
When does it happen that something that is meant to serve us and our process, turns into some ideal that we begin to serve instead?
It happened to me twice in my life... my quest for truth and for my place in this world has turned into a lie and an attempt to adapt and/or replicate somebody else's truth, perception and path.
And now I am pretty stable in my deductions based on these personal experiences:
1. There is simply no one truth, no one true perception for all, and it just can't be that two different people experience exactly the same reality, be it this physical and dense or some higher and more ethereal expressions of it. Otherwise the point is missed: why to separate us to little bits of consciousness? To me, it is not so that we all converge to one mutual reality and cheat on our own experience of it, but to build one combined field of all the possibilities and opposites. So unlike before, I appreciate the differences and all the expressions around, even if they are very dense and dark. All are pieces of one huge puzzle....
Note: there is something called resonance, which means that it might be that I and somebody else feel as if we perceive something in the same way. It happens, but it can't be that we will be completely identical in all aspects.
There is only one mutual interception point for us all - the disappearance point, the point in which everything collapses, and everything turns into nothing. But then there is no reality to perceive and talk about there, there is no "you and me", there is just zero. So all the conflicts are resolved.
2. Question: when is it resonance and when is it infection? Ideas, beliefs and moods (emotions, feelings) are contagious. So how can one know that he is not simply infected by somebody else's passions, beliefs, perceptions, ideas, etc... And to me here comes the importance of being alone.
Yes, it is very important to learn from others, to collide with other people, share and so on, but... When I take time on my own, and the sensations decay - it s not mine. It is simply not me. And how else can I know my path in life if I am not being me, the way I was created and built? And how can I then do my part the best way, if I am trying to walk in other people's shoes?
This process can be called sorting wheat from the chaff. I have collected some pieces and now I can feel out what things are here for me and which are a trash (for me). In any process in nature there is some kind of waste products. And this is the same with these processes. It's like I read a book, and there are some great things that spike something in me, and some things that I feel a dissonance with. And this is how it should be. Otherwise - something is wrong (for me). It means I am hooked: either I want to be belong somewhere, to find some comfy place where I will be told how things should be and what to do, or I just love these people and on some inner layer want to be like them, so that we can be friends or so that they love me... etc
3. I have become very sensitive concerning this sensation of self-deceiving. It feels like switching a mental knowledge and a deep inner truth that can never be really fully put into words or mental constructs and especially no recipes. I learn to let go the realizations, perceptions and sensations once they land. They are not mine, they don't belong to me, they don't define me, they are instantaneous, and once they land - they are gone, and something new is coming.
There can be some consistency for a period of time, but it doesn't mean it will never change. And so there is nothing to cling on to.
This lie, for whatever reason it is there, always has some of clinging in it. Something sticky, something that is a bit suffocating and feels quite not right.
I just know how it feels now, I recognize it very fast, so it can't take over me anymore. It is like I understand something about myself and life, and one moment after I release it, and ask all the questions once again, as if I never knew or understood anything at all. This inner innocence is what gives this taste in life, excitement, an element of surprise.
4. Free learning. And this one is a big one! Because, ok, I have learned what is not right for me, what is right then? Free learning is having no problem with all possible realities, behaviors, beliefs, ways of living, and accepting absolutely everything, no rejection, no judgment, no running away... I never felt really right with exclusions. To me, any belief system that excludes something that takes place in reality, can't possibly be fully integrated. It is coming from somebody who maybe still didn't integrate all parts of himself, and is still at war with certain aspects of his being, or, if you want, at war with God or with the universe, or with reality. BUT! After this acceptance, after this embracing and softening into what is, I must also feel out what is it I feel to do. It's like hating and killing people is ok, part of the deal. And also finding something beautiful in everybody and hugging people is ok. What do I choose to experience now? What path of evolution do I want to follow? Whatever I choose will bring me to some learning, so I can't go wrong. And yet, there is something that feels more right.
I really feel that we are totally free to experience, try and taste whatever we want to here. We are really given this huge playground with all the possibilities, so why to stick to somebody else's choice? Instead of finding our own joy, finding our own way?
5. Spirituality that is not practical (which means that it can't be put through and into the denseness and wants to avoid, remove, fight or make the denseness go, in any of its form), not down to earth and which can't be applied in any situation, in any environment and in any state - is nothing more than a spiritual bubble. And this is any spiritual technique that excludes part of the existing reality and prefers one part over another. This realization is the deepest of all for me. And I am totally in peace now, finally. I know what felt wrong before and I know what is right for me, for now.
6. So, now down to earth: to me, there is no conflict between the physical body, physical plane and reality, ego, personality and more ethereal expressions and experiences. If they all can't work together in a given moment - then I am not hitting the spot. If one overrides or suppresses the other - I still haven't found IT and have to dig deeper, or wait longer. And this was my biggest mistake I kept repeating during last 7 years. It is not about what people call "following the soul", or following a higher guidance, or turning into light, or being the presence, getting non-dual, or whatever else you might call it... It is about finding that mystical spot where EVERYTHING comes together, all aspects of the current experiences, all the contradictions, all the dense and light parts, and then allowing the reality to get unraveled out of this point. You can't know what you will get. It's like jumping into the black hole, and then finding yourself out again. Like putting a rabbit into a hat and then pulling endless ribbons out of it, surprised
In other words - in those unstable moments when things want to change, there is no use of separating between things, but rather to make them all come together, all the contradicting pulls, the doubts, worries, fears, without rejecting or judging any of them... Just put them all into one pot and cook until ready Something will unravel. And the less is suppressed, the less I prefer to be something rather than what I already am now, the faster and the more efficient the process will be.
Mmmm I think that was more or less what I wanted to say hhhhh
Interesting considerations indeed!
I feel there definitely is one truth of which we are all a part. If you decide to go for the 9am bus at five past nine, you'd get my drift!
But yes, each soul has a unique lens of perspective, because each soul is a relativistic experience.
Resonance is quite different from infection, but I would say that depending on the clarity of mind, determines what happens to the varied impulses once we perceive them.
So if you have a highly analytical lower mind, it tends to take resonating impulses and interpret them. In so doing, it can create distance from the original experience (although it doesn't have to). In so doing, the sense of the impulse can be dulled and desensitised - you're not sure if you really did experience it.
But if the mind doesn't over process, then we'll surely (over time) get to recognise resonant feelings and impulses, where our own truth is activated and stimulated by interaction with someone else. As you know, it often arises with a kind of feeling "aha" moment, welling up in the eyes or a sudden rush of energy.
To me there is only one ultimate truth, because there is only one of us. It all came from one and is flowing back to the one. Temporarily the one separates into varied lenses, but it's still the same landscape we're all looking at.
What is there to look at at all? I don't think anybody can know what landscape we are looking at because we see only what we see and get only what we get, and it is impossible to know for sure whether what we see is what really is. We just can say that this is what we see/experience, but not what we look at. I can't say I can even say for sure there is anybody outside really, so what "we" can we talk about in certainty? This is why I don't even try to talk about reality, but only talk about my personal experience. This was my point.
To me resonance means I got something for myself about myself through an external mirror. If it is in some way has some "I belong here"/"I'm like you"/"you're like me"/"we're together" feeling - then I have lost myself in a mirror. Resonance and the "aha" still don't make me and somebody the same, and I can never know whether you experience "the same thing" as I do. But we can, of course, be joyous about the proximity. At these moments of resonance there is a sense of getting closer, which is wonderful, really, but I never forget the truth - me is me and not you, and vice versa. And even if I feel totally together with everybody, in the mutual field, empathic, etc, STILL, it is ME who is experiencing something, or, more correct to say, something that is experiencing something.
About the bus: reality proved me several times that I can actually arrive at 09:05 and still get the 09:00 bus. And also it proved that I can arrive at 08:55 and still not get the 09:00 bus. So I wouldn't be so sure...
The rules of this plane are the result of the creation on a level of thoughts, individual and then collective, but it doesn't mean that the rules of the game can't be individually bent for somebody. Sure, I won't jump from the 15th floor to try whether the universe (or me) will bend the gravity for me. But there were all kinds of "weird" things that I have seen and experienced directly, that were not in line even with this simple, dense "consensus reality".
Concerning the mental plane and the lower mind - it was about a month ago that I have realized that.. "so what?". So the mind will over-process OR it will not. Who can control this? And where is the button?
Who said that a person X is supposed to experience a specific something in a specific way, the right way, the clear way, etc. Maybe THIS is exactly how he should experience it, with the dissolution and interpretation, etc.
I already said many times, that in my life I can't spot a single thing that I have chosen. I was kicked here, kicked there, shown this, then shown that, I had my eyes shut, then my eyes opened, etc. To me there is only one way of existence in peace - and this is going with what is, exactly in the way it is and there can be no exceptions for me.
So if I am brought to notice something, like, oh, I am being emotional now, then ok. It's not a problem. Or if I dissolve - if I am made able to see it - then great, and I need to do absolutely nothing with it. If I am blind - then what is there to talk about? Whose fault is that? Whose responsibility? Noone's. A blind man is a blind man. And when he is not blind - still there is nothing he can do but accept what he sees and trust that there is a good reason why he is made to see what he's made to see and that it means that soon he will be freed and changed (or, in other words, that the inner process of shift is beginning, otherwise there was no point of seeing this).
Again, all my breakthroughs... I never did anything. And any attempts to solve things or control things - they didn't help. I just was aware for a day/week/month/half a year/year, and one day it was gone and something else was there instead.
I, personally, go back to the same conclusion as years ago - all is needed is the potential, the pull, and on this one we have no control. We are either called back home or we are not. It is not in my power. And of this I am certain at this moment. So what is there to worry about? This pull is what really makes one evolve. Information, warnings, all kinds of these things... I am not sure... Lately I wish I knew much, much less, since there is a lot of mess to clear up, and it can be even harder and more confusing and trapping than the standard conditioning.
So if anybody asks me, today my work is about getting clear and knowing nothing. The less I know - the more it flows. And the spikes appear on their own. I don't need to do anything at all. My participation and cooperation happen on themselves, gradually evolving from high-resistance (viscosity) experience to low-resistance experience. And mainly what changes is my ability to shift from state to state.
I just love Trin's metaphor about leaving the old boat that is falling apart. Old state becomes unstable, but there is no new state yet. Then there is a sense of "something is coming", and this is when I am experiencing the readiness to move or a fear and a laziness to stay in the old comfort zone, and at some point there are just two levels of the same energy that are manifested, after I have made an inner shift, and that's it. Sums up the whole spirituality. A couple of words can sum up the tips: relax, listen and cooperate hhhhhhh
And I don't feel I need to know anything else. All the rest are just different forms of energy, and as far as I am concerned - they are all parts of me.
You have a short memory!
It is true. No memory.
And yet, why are you saying that? Where do you see I have made a choice?
Because in my perspective, I really didn't. I did what I felt I had to and that was it. There was no choice and there still isn't. I just was resisting a lot. This is basically what I did: I was afraid and resisted
Maybe this is what makes things so hard for me, that I can't see where my choice (or illusion of it) is. So I wait until things become unbearable and then an inner decision happens and something shifts. Maybe there IS something that I can do to make things easier/faster? But I really can't see what that might be.
Everyone is resisting to a greater or lesser degree.
The self splits into two or more.
At some point, the non aligned part decides (and is frequently helped to decide) to realign. It happens in stages of course.
A catalyst or a mirror can help.
Amnesia fading now?
None of these answer a very 'simple' question: at which point do I chose?
At which point do you think you have chosen any single thing that happened to you, really, internally or externally?
For example, to me the part about "the non-aligned part decides..". What does it exactly decide? I have never made any decisions. They were forced upon me, brought upon me, or just popped up. I didn't even chose whether to adapt or not. I think the difference in our perceptions is that to me there is actually no control at all whatsoever, including the ability to decide anything. I am just a puppet. I can be rather a cooperating puppet, i.e. a puppet who knows he is a puppet and is made to find peace with it, OR I can be an identity (including the spiritual one) in illusion that I can decide something.
At some point there is a realization I am also the one who is pulling the strings, but it doesn't change the dynamics. The body, the soul and the personality are still just puppets. And there is nobody to decide even in this case, because this thing that is pulling the strings is beyond the world of 'decision-makings'... It just pulls...
This is of course my view and interpretation of it, the one that feels most real. There is no comfort in it, but for a change I am not looking for one...
So are you enlightened?
First of all, I have stopped asking this kind of questions months ago, like where am I at, where am I going? I truly really don't care anymore. And I also don't think it is important, actually. Just let me live the day, and this is enough for me.
But... since you asked I don't think so. I just know I have changed, and there is a sense of growing up and getting more and more in peace with life and myself, knowing and being true to what I feel/think/know/see, and basically ther is some simplification of things.
I am the same, I am worried, there is fear, loneliness, I am human... I feel all those things... But at the same time I become more 'normal'. And yes, I feel challenged, but I also feel belong in this world, as it is, with all the stuff. And I get what my way is, so I don't need to replicate or adapt others' ways.
Enlightened... not enlightened... it's just irrelevant. And I am so happy it is so. I feel freed from this escape. I thought I will find my comfort in escaping this world in this way or another, in disappearing from it in this way or another. But it is when I turned around and looked at everything and am finally stepping in - I feel in peace. It feels almost like dying in peace. I am happy now.
Here, today I have ran into this quote and I thought that it is the perfect answer to your question:
"Total trust, surrender, relinquishing control - all this is only words. Look into the night sky. Tell me what you see." The Rune Cards, Rune 25
For me all the other words, like enlightenment, acceptance, feeling, etc are too just words. I am not sure if I am managing to make my point, but I hope it can be at least a bit intuited from this quote.
...carried over from "Creating me or Being me".
So since you ask Yulia, I feel a whole range of interconnected issues. Why don't we begin with rebellion. I can feel your ray soul harmonic as being pretty catalytic when unveiled. To be a strong catalyst, one would be a rebel - yes. But as you know from the martial arts, to directly undermine/confront/block, is quite weak and brittle. Plus as soon as another gets wind of your energy, they go into fight mode. Then the engagement goes nowhere - just shadows fighting and defending cherished positions.
The most effective way to deliver power is to first empathise, in a truly heart felt way. To empathise is to 'go along with' - to blend with their flow. To blend with the stream. This is to conform. Only then, can you really change its direction.
So I sense this shadow in you knows that the soul doesn't conform - in most cases - and as a result, doesn't empathise, therefore the energy and effect is diluted, weakened. Paradoxically your shadow's rebellion undermines your ability to rebel.
Inability to conform. Yes. I understand now what you meant by rebellion. And many things land. Ok...
There is a great frustration about interaction with people. Because when this catalysis is happening - I am actually catalyzing myself too. Is there some way to I don't know, to 'control' it? Or to learn how to deal with it?
I was working lately a lot on communication with people. And it seems I just won't get it. I feel as if I am punished for being open, because somehow I become a bit childish and then it often leads as if to allow people to violate my space. So I still don't see what is it that I am missing.
I started writing something about empathy but then I have deleted it because I was hit by fear. Paralyzed. There is some fear to be understanding, soft, open, and, in general, to communicate, and now I want to cry... Hmmmmmm
About fighting. Recently I am getting the following messages: responsibility, victim, confrontation. I have holes in all these. I still have a tendency to project when I am tired or shaken too vigorously, and then I often become a victim, playing this victim game, and more than anything - I lack the ability to confront. You are right here. I fear confrontations, and I am pretty proud of myself I am now able to at least do it in some way, maybe not in the best way, but I am overcoming this fear. That's a big thing for me.
But then... hmmmm... yes, probably fear to be attacked for what I say and so I am on autopilot in defense in advance? There are so few people with whom I don't have this defense on. I thought you too, but I guess it is there too.
And this old topic of men seeing a sexual object in me and trying to get it from me in some ways. It's an awful one. I can see this in myself, but I don't know what to do with it. I am just pissed off hhhhhh
I don't know... I am confused. It feels like I am going in loops again.
And this thing with a choice is driving me nuts. Today I was crying on the bus, because it felt like this feeling of not having any choice, not having any goal (ever) and not having any purpose... this simply 'castrated' me, and I feel I didn't live my life, I was always a result, as if I never acted, I was dragged by life.
I somehow felt I had it solved. I've made my peace with not having a choice, so I decided to play with reality, as it is. The word play was for me the solution. And so I thought I finally found this place in myself that can live actively, rather than being a victim of circumstances and other people's actions, but now I am lost again and feel 'castrated' again. What is going on here?
It is a very interesting and fun period for me, but also extremely confusing, demanding and challenging time. Sigh. And I am suddenly not sure in anything again. But I can't go on with this 'not sure' and 'doing nothing' and waiting until things will happen on their own another two, three, four years. I have to get out of the hideaway and live, so... I do and then see what happens now. This is why Is aid that chewing doesn't do me good, like 'is this right?", "is this wrong", "where is it coming from?",
And this "what would you have me do?" for half a year I get the same answer "what do YOU want to do?". So...
Being a catalyst is one of the most challenging things you can 'do'.
The only way to learn it, is to act. Then to watch your effect.
Realise that you are only ever catalysing yourself.
You're finding ever more ways to be more effective.
I sense you're spending way too much time intellectualising.
It's a challenge because it's one of your greatest gifts,
but to use it greatly, you have to use it sparingly.
Otherwise you make a Van Gogh look like wall paper.
Being not sure in anything is being in ones centre. Only a closed mind is certain. Find comfort in being unsure. Find balance in it. To be balanced is not to be stationary. It's being in a perpetual feeling state.
It's relaxed but intently attentive.
Just like martial arts sparring.
When you're being intently attentive, I sense it spins you out of your feelings and into your mind - you're unbalanced and then trying to seek balance in the wrong place.
So try to find comfort with not knowing. Find balance in your feelings then act from your feelings. Only intellectualise after action - just to figure out what happened - to bring greater awareness next time.
But don't let the mind stop you flowing. Come from feeling.
If you do this, you'll expose many shadows.
There's many other things in what you said, but I'd say this is where to begin.
I thought I was doing all that
Am I totally blinded?
Am I back to zero?
What's going on here, Chris?
In any case, I will do my best to implement.
The path will always take you deeper into your gift Yulia.
Don't ever expect to stay stationary.
There is no zero - only deeper.
I'd say you are meant to engage people at the level of the intellect. It's where billions of people are trapped. So you often have to start the unraveling there.
But once a shadow sees you coming, it will fight to protect itself. The engagement then becomes a pointless waste of time. It's like so many of the exchanges on fb (which is why it was time for me to leave).
To catch someone's shadow, is like dancing with them. You have to engage softly with it, but then unexpectedly twirl them out of their comfort zone.
If you try to do this with a strategy, both of you will likely fall over.
But if you engage in the dance - at the level of the intellect - still attentively feeling for the next movement, you'll find yourself doing something which shifts the energy - the shadow is caught 'off guard' so to speak.
I'd say its a way of being that's being presented to you. I think you'd be exceptionally good at it.
It would require you to have a kind of dual focus - partially in the mind in order to engage, but all the while being in your feelings and allowing the 'coup de grâce' to come from there.
It sounds very exciting, even though I somehow doubt I am capable to do such graceful, quick, sensitive and sharp thing. A thought came: I am too stupid and emotional for this hhhh
And if so, it seems I have to start with myself first. I can't imagine how to play with my own mind, it's one of the trickiest I know (too smart lol). After we 'talked' here, I have spotted so many little things, and they are everywhere, in every little thing, like in observing I found some traces of judgment and tightness, in my sorrow about being so far from home I found some shade of pleasure - I was enjoying the sorrow and owning the feeling. Many many little things. And the biggest one - I felt 'the walls', as if I have blocked myself all around, something in me is shrinking. I can't digest what is happening with me now. And the head... is exploding.
I also went to the funeral today. And I felt such peace, as if I am waiting for it, in a good way. And the place was so beautiful, it looked like a garden and not like a cemetery. Just beautiful. I am crying now, and I don't know what it meant, but I could feel the peace of death and I am looking forward it somehow. It comes a lot to me lately.
I thought I was morbid again, but then I have realized that this is some state and that I don't have to die physically to feel this.
I just cry so much about being so far from 'God' (I don't know how else to call it, I just feel it). I see in myself the worst of human expressions, and I really long for being forgiven and redeemed, and I just want to get to this place, don't know where, but it feels right to go there.
This exile feels like eternity. I just want to go home. Somewhere inside. And I cry every day about it. I have lost the need to understand what it means.
At least, for a change, I feel much better on earth and in this body.
I want to help, don't know to whom, have no idea how, how can I help if I can't help myself?
So I don't know. Looks like I am getting close, but still so far. I just hope that one day it will just hit me. And I will be free, somehow, a miracle will happen...
I can't free other people yet, because I can't free myself.
I thought: we all talk here a lot about the 'ethereal' and inner stuff, but know so few about what actually practically is happening in our everyday lives. And to me, this is really important to get the full picture, who is behind all these blabla here on the web - real people, humans...
So, I decided to refresh and try to write like I would write a diary, and this is the most real it can get, without refining or filtering. This is how things are on a very down to earth level:
These are very confusing, intense, busy to death, stressful and loaded times for me. I can almost say I have no time for spiritual bullshit anymore, so all that is left is the true essence of it: just an inner exploration, observation and awareness. The rest just has no time and place. Everything gets really HERE. I don't know about NOW. I am not sure it actually works, being in the now, when you live a 'modern life'. Maybe somewhere up there in the mountains? Or somewhere in a protected clear space? But here I have to hold the understanding that I have only 2 minutes to run to the restroom and back, that I have 4 things to be done within 1 hour, and around 7 phone-calls to make during the day and so on. So non-existence of time looks like the ultimate bullshit down here in the world of a ticking clock.
I feel like it's raining with duties, things to do, to arrange, to keep in mind... Just a summary about what is going on with me now:
1) I am leaving my Phd to stay as a paid worker in university, which leaves only 1/3 of my previous income, which means I can't possibly survive with this money.
2) So I am moving out of my place in with my friend Deedeechka and her family. It's great because I have so much to learn from her - how to live on earth. One of the most horrible things for me here. I admit: with all the talents I might have - I am clueless!!! So I have to learn the basic rules and alternative ways, rather than those I picked from my mom and keep replicating throughout my life.
3) Looking for an extra job or two or three: I found 1 so far
4) Financial situation in general - it's easier to hang myself than to make it better.
5) A lot to pack, a lot to do, some bureaucratic staff to deal with, a lot of this, a lot of that, a lot a lot a lot hhhhh
3) And in parallel, my sister's birthday, my supervisor's dad departed, so there were and are things to be done...
4) I left my boyfriend
5) I miss my ex-husband, and the old times, when I had some relative stability and somebody to share my path with. Whereas now I feel like an old maid lol Getting old alone somehow feels more alone than being young alone.
6) Food issue - all my life. I want to get rid of it! What to eat, how to eat, when to eat. I am really sick of this body and it reactions. No matter what and how I eat - it's bad. So I just want to say f..k it!
Funny, yesterday one of my sports teachers told me that my issue with food is like my issue with jumping on high stuff. I am afraid to get hurt and afraid of suffering, but suffering is part of life, he said. And something landed. I could clearly see that I am still running away and trying to avoid the pain and discomfort.
So I was so happy to see that, but also felt like damn! it will never end! It just will never end. I am trapped in all this forever.
I was seeing myself all tight, all stressed, losing my faith, losing my trust, questioning whether God or anything beyond this plane even exist? Or do people make it up to make things not that awful? And whether this is how I am going to live my life? In this inner garbage? Never free? Never living? Finding my only comfort in my future death and the peace of that moment when all this world will finally be taken of my shoulders? For how long will I carry this burden? And will I be this disgusted and repelled by life till the happy end? And for how long will I cry and whine about me being alive? And these suicidal thoughts will never go away. Ever. Everyday life is heavy and ugly, with rare splashes of sparkles and greatness. I was watching myself and all these thoughts, I felt the sharp pain, the sorrow. What was different in all these feelings from before? Nothing hhhhhh I couldn't even laugh. I allowed myself to cry. I cry like anytime I am alone, including on buses. Unless I am so tired I turn to a zombie and my only thought is 'get home', get home'...
And in the background... I was laughing at myself, as it was so obvious I am running some dramatic movie in my head lol This is ridiculous!!! So I was like ok, let's watch the dramatic movie and cry n'all that... And I knew that some part of me wants everything to be perfect! It wants everything to be nice and pleasant, clear. And I just won't accept some other part of me, that for some reason decided to experience the dark ridiculous stuff too. The dissonance is what causes most suffering, this inner mismatch: what do I 'want'? On this web it is called what do I chose, but for me it is more clear when I ask what do I want? Choice is a mist for me. Whereas I know that if I really really deeply want something - this is a place to go, because this is where the pull goes. Some get confused by the word 'want', because it has this connotation with desires, but for me the word 'choice' is the most confusing, so I 'chose' 'want' lol And it connects me to all planes, and makes peace between all parts, higher and lower.
So here is the puzzle:
I know I am ready to make a decision to be happy and free
There are parts of me that still cling on the old stuff and the old movies, cuz, well, drama movies are so dramatic! hhhh
And there is me standing in between in the wtf state
And there is another me having no problem with anything, like whatever
And there is another me who feels grudge towards the universe for its f..d up-iness
Another one is in total wonder like WOOOOOW!!! The world is AMAZING!!!
And there is another who is searching for the way between and through all these me's to make it all work somehow
And there is a constant connection with whatever it is I feel since I am a kid - like my inner guide, a wise inner creature...
So, it is really interesting how I have no place left for irrelevant for my process stuff. There is just no space. It's like everything that is not inside me - irrelevant.
I trust my hunches more now, and I trust my perception more now. It meets some external resistance, but it is great it is there. It helps me refine my own truth. I am not looking for some universal truth anymore. And I am not looking for some universal justice/harmony. I know why I am here: I am here to find my own inner world, and find the peace within it. So I gradually shift from the old perception to the new one. If there is some piece outside - it just means I have it inside... let's take a look.
And that is a great relief. Suddenly some part of me doesn't need anybody to agree, think or see like me, or anything. I guess this is the matter of being so focused on who I am, what I do, what is my truth and everyday stuff, that there is no 'time' and need for anybody to approve it. And if I resist or feel intimidated - then this is something to work with.
I keep finding out how simple things really are. It's all about inner world and its reflection outside. Once you get it, like really get it - this where the real game begins. I am still dependent on what is triggered. So sometimes I get lost.
I think this is a great time for me. The hardest part is really constantly keeping an eye on the inside and not to get lost in external events. What helps me is telling myself - there is nothing outside.
I am creating this world, and nobody else. ONLY ME! Then it is more responsibility, but also I feel I get as close to truth I only can. I have created this world as it is, and I am doing all these things around. There is simply nobody there.
Then, from this place, I can trust I see the real picture, I see my own reflection outside, in all events, absolutely everything. Everything is me, the most horrible and the most beautiful things.
This is the place where 'they' disappear. I am the only responsible creature for absolutely everything.
And this is when the game begins. This is when, ironically, I can start to really interact with the 'external' world I have created, very seriously, but also very playfully.
I can see that all the spiritual process is all about making the polarities come together...
I am really looking forward times when this inner reconstruction is over. I know that this is when I can fully live from this state.
And in the meantime - I am in an inner conflict living this ridiculous incongruent inner and outer life hhhhh
Crying helps and sense of humor helps and good friends help. To me, personally, all the rest is superfluous in these times.
I believe we all know where need to get, and how, but just this knowing that there are friends somewhere out there... It helps. And today I am moving to live with my dear friend, so I am excited
I wanted to share another interesting thing:
For years already she is the only thing that stops me from killing myself when I have tough moments. It's like I know there is Deedeechka in the world - and I don't want to leave
Another interesting thing is that when I am sinking into the darkness and I try to pull myself out and look for things I love and grateful for in this world and in this life, I have only two things:
1. Deedeechka (always in the first place and the first thing that comes up)
2. Nature and all the beautiful moments I experienced with it
All the rest is behind the dark wall... Even anything having to do with my spiritual evolution.
When I tried to see why this word came: simplicity.
There is this one simple thing happening in both cases: love.
No big words, no complicated ideas or opinions, there is nothing there but love.
And I am remembering this interesting thing I have read when I went through all the psychology and psychoanalysis books when I tried to help/ save myself in my early 20's... I can't remember who was the author, and what was the book, but this message stayed with me through the years: TRUE LOVE CURES EVERYTHING, even the hardest cases.
So while I am also grateful for the spiritual guidance and help in my life, in tough moments the truth gets sharp - I am most grateful for the unconditional love, and if there is anything that ever healed in me was because and when I could feel it, and not because I was told things.
Love is really enough. And the day I will be able to live from this place and communicate with people from this place.. to be able to carry this 'field' of unconditional love - I believe that this is when people around me will be given the chance to heal, and not when I will tell them smart things or show them their flaws (this is what I was doing so far all my life, as reflection of what I was doing to myself).
I think I am getting really close to myself. Still don't love myself, but at least I am getting close, at least I am daring to try hhhh So hard.
Well, it was a long one, but it also was a really sincere one, the most sincere ever, I think... I didn't hide anything today. Complete set haha
Have to run now... hhhhh
This is this moment in my life when I feel the softening.
It is not a come-and-go, but a pretty constant thing. I do feel tightness, and everything, but inside, one sunny day, I can't even say when, it happened - I gave up the fight.
Recently I feel like I am being tested, still gently, but I can already see what it is about, I just don't know really what to do about it.
So today I could see the painful truth, some painful truths.
So funny! I can see all these things and I just can't do much about it.
Today I've been put through a small test. I got a call from a yoga center, who were looking for a receptionist (don't know how to call it)...
And I felt like OMG, me?!!! An ex-Phd student ---> a clerk in some yoga center?! I had a short circuit in my head, couldn't digest this option. And then I could see this so clearly, and the truth was supported by tears. I know that when I start crying - it means I touch on something, some hidden truth being revealed. I felt as if somebody was digging into my chest with a saw.
Ambition, lack of self esteem, trying to prove myself I am good for something, and well, I have my MSc in chemistry, and people I love and respect tell me all the great things about me, and it's not enough. MSc is not enough, Phd maybe would make me feel worthy? And this is when I could feel it. Nothing in the world can help me feel good enough. Phd will also not be enough! Nothing will be ever enough. I am clinging on to something that can't give me what I miss, whatever it is... the inner sense of fulfillment, self love and life, but basically, it appears that all I am looking for is myself. The irony...
So, I said: ok, I am ready to do this! I called and came to see the 'boss', and then... it just was this. It didn't work out, and I am still where I am at, as if all I needed is to be ready to go with this possibility. But also I still feel some the grasp in my bodymind and the panic, and confusion. What is it about? Where am I going? Clueless. And it seems like I must learn how to decide where to go.
Anyway, it's such such interesting times.
I live with my friend and her family, which is great! I left my 'old' place, work really hard and a lot. There is so much fear,still, to get out, to communicate, to try, to dare, and most of all - to believe in myself and trust. I am still scared to death by this life. It seems I am not good for anything. The difference is that I don't let it paralyze me anymore. I do things, even if I am scared to the bones, even if I am so tired I literally crawl to bed at night.
I find so many weird blockages, ridiculous... One of them was hilarious in particular. I was always afraid of working hard, of physical and mental discomfort, of not having my time and space, of limitations, of well, almost everything hhhh... And on my way back home after the second sleepless night and 12 hours of teaching chemistry (nonstop), I was crying on the bus, and whining about the toughness of life, and how there is no time, and blabla... and then some inner voice asked me: But what would you like to do with your free time?
And I just started laughing! I want to live during this time, and here! I AM living!!! Isn't it funny? Things like this... hhhhh
Also I am alone now. I feel I still didn't let my ex-husband go (after 2.5 years since we split), but I am close. There is some yearning for a partner, a friend. Like something 'real', true... I can't put it into words, because it's really just a feeling, maybe I am just looking for myself, as usually hhhh
My point is: that I feel like it's a joke, all my fears, doubts, clingings, but still, some of them hold me. I don't fight them anymore. I got to the point that all I do is trust. I just know that somehow it will work itself out. Something will happen.
Also there is this feeling, an inner yearning, it's like almost a nonstop state of feeling this attraction, in my chest, which feels both like a heart-ache, AND, at the same time, one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced... It is like I can taste it, I am 1 millimeter from home... This is how it feels. And it's this I want to go home. I just want to go home. I want to be let back home. At the same time, I don't care to be like this forever, I trust I'll get there, somehow.
Also, I am going through this thing... It's like I am myself, but I don't recognize myself. It's both familiar and completely unfamiliar somebody at the same time. Confusing...
And my senses... something is changing. I know it, I feel it, and it seems like soon there will be some decisions, or choices made. Scary ones, and I'm like during some 'gentle' training.
What can I say? Looking back I am asking: why did I have to live such awful, painful, dark and sad life? Why? Why 32 years of negativity and despair? And as an answer to this question I get trust. And then more trust. Somehow I know that everything happened and is happening the best way possible, because all these years, I always felt this something, 'somebody' is watching after me, undeniably. I am not alone here. And it just has to be 'good', it must be, I believe it. There is no other way. I just can't see it yet. I still can't see a clear picture, still looking through a grey filter.
Another big subject recently: manifestation of reality. Seems I can't figure this out. On one hand, I am afraid to manifest some desires, on the other hands I understand that I can't flow passively now, as I did before.
Now whatever I decide on the inside - immediately manifests itself on the outside. As if the world is becoming my own movie. But I won't take part in this creation. And I know I am missing something here. I as if want to stay 'small' and clueless, and be taken through life somehow. And I am told: no, now YOU decide. But how can I decide? And how do I make sure I don't create some 'false realities'? What is the difference between true creation and false creation? This one is really distorted with me. I can feel this broken something, and don't know how it can be fixed, so I wait...
Sigh... Well, this is more or less where I am at.
I feel the emptiness and it's unbearable.
I don't know how to live this life, and I don't know what's real and what's fake. Everything looks like some silly game. Horrid and ridiculously funny at the same time. I feel sick and exhausted.
The only thing different is some sense of surrender. I can't say I love what is happening, because I am flipping all the time. But at least I resist much less.
And I wonder: is it just age? getting old? And all these 'spiritual efforts' are nothing but a distraction from the emptiness of life?
Or is there a veil put before my eyes to make me suffer some more?
But I don't really care anymore even about that. There is no good coming out of whining. So, just like the rest of mortals, I work, swallow food to comfort myself, try to sleep, and feel lonely and clueless.
I wonder, how can it be, such a low, hollow state, and, at the same time, this sense of home, love, softness and peace? I am completely crazy.
Also this question is hunting me again and again: is this it? Is THIS how I am going to live my life? A dead walking? I am already dead. I feel dead, fighting for life, and the my fighting abilities decay. The beautiful part is the soft cloud, that works like shock absorbent, a cushion, and it;s as if there is a cool breeze, a sense of relief. What will happen to me? What will become of me?
I am afraid I will disappear. I am afraid I will lose myself. I am afraid I will be even more alienated from other people, even more alone. On the other hand, I want to disappear. I want to get out of this prison of prison of ME. So confusing.
I guess this is the time when all my hopes, all my imaginations are being broken. All my delusions, fears and weaknesses highlighted. I can see the good and the love in it, but at the same time, it is like living on the edge of unbearable.
The good old question is also back, hunting me. Who am I? I disappear, drop down through some veil, some layer, and then find another plateau. And again: who am I? I am lost in a labyrinth of mirrors. I don't know where to go anymore. So I wait.
What despair this is to know that as long as I want to be free - I will never be liberated. And where is the line between the genuine plead and the panic of escape? They are so interconnected.
What option is left then, but just sit in and learn to accept all this mess? And trust? I am totally powerless here. Completely out of control. I am caught in my own self. What an irony! hhhhhh
I am dreaming a nightmare. I can't wake up...
I now got something mind-blowing.
I was told that the door is always open. Always.
And it is only me who needs to prove myself I am worthy to enter the place where God lives. 'God', or the God in me, doesn't need me to be or do anything!
It doesn't need me to be spiritual, soulful, to make the 'right' choice, or to be some super-human, or anything.
I can go there whenever and in whatever state I want. But it is ME, who won't let me go there, because I must feel I deserve it. I must feel I am good enough to be that.
THE DOOR IS OPEN!!!!
So it is all just a game I am playing with myself. It's crazy...
I don't know whether it helps or makes me feel even more stupid. I just wonder: is there any way to just let it all go, without tormenting myself for years? I still don't get the joy out of this game I am playing. What the hell is going on?!
When will it be enough? It is never enough! I am never good enough, and will I ever be good enough?
Something has to happen! This is intolerable. Something has to move, has to break.
Great - you've opened the door to presence. And yes, anyone can go there anytime they choose.
The big problem is not getting there, it is staying there. Just as soon as you drop into the void, something happens - an arising of soul consciousness. It's identification with the soul and it's manifestations that pulls you into the drama.
So the best way I've observed is to keep riding the experience, riding the soul and dissolving attachment to the experiences that materialise. Then without effort, you naturally keep 'falling into' the void.
No, the soul will never be "good enough" in an sbsolute sense. Here's the point: in this key area you're confusing absolute and relative truth. In the absolute, no expression could fully satisfy because the absolute is the 'all of it' and to experience the 'all of it', you can only do so through relativity - through 'some of it'. And 'some of it' will never be enough.
So you have to accept the paradox. In chemistry we talked about the 'fudge factor'. It's the same here. As you follow the path to infinite potential - the source - you can never get there (experientially). Clearly once you are 100% infinite potential then there is no experience! The chemist knows however that there comes a point when you're so close, there's practically no difference. You can (practically) have an experience of the absolute. But the mathematician in you has to accept it will never be perfect.
So you can be purely present and still having an experience. It's like having your cake and eating it as well!
Yes, I can get that.
And yet, something is missing. I seem not to be able to... I don't know what.
And in the meantime life is such an impossible burden, and it's such a shame, because I find it fascinating, and also I can see how life is really friendly with me, and I get so much support from all possible directions, wherever I go.. It's like just decide what you want to do - and al the doors open. As long as I am just observing it, it is all great and interesting, but once I try to live it, all I want is to get out of here. It's just too much. I can't bear this intensity. I am cracking. And I can't even spot what is the part of me that is cracking? As if something gets broken on the inside. Work, home, food, logistics... all these are killing me, but if I stop doing these things - I feel I don't live at all, so what's the point? And I feel more and more polarity, I am torn apart by all these contradictions. I've had so enough. I would kill myself now, if I hadn't some tiny hope that I might be of some good to somebody maybe, maybe not now... but some time...
And I know that some people 'reported' hhhh that some tiny things I said or did really helped them. I guess this is the only thing that keeps me alive these days and the only reason why I keep doing all these ridiculous things, like brushing teeth in the morning.
I am so lost here. I can't digest it. I can't see what I am missing, where is the key.
And this is just f...g scary! There is nothing on the outside that can help. I really know it now. But on the inside all I find is pain, and then some more pain.
How do you do this? How do you live like this? In this circus? Where is that bridge between knowing and doing? Why can't I live?
You make it all sound so negative Yulia. Yet from time to time I see you and you seem so happy and joyful (often complex yes) - it doesn't seem to compute?
You ask "where is the bridge between knowing and doing?" Perhaps here lies a key. Maybe you're looking for a definite answer? There is none. It's holding that question as a tool. The tool directs you to the awareness from which authentic doing happens.
So there's a balance needed. Being able to accept the pain, being in it, but all the while allowing awareness to direct you forwards into the light of the moment.
Maybe you just need to allow the spontaneous pull more? To question less. At least if you do question, still keep going with the original impulse.
I don't think that this is something like this. There is no light in my moments, it's either pain or hollowness, in the best case. It feels something like death, a relief. But no light. I feel light and shininess so rarely, I forget what it feels like in between. And I can be really funny and laugh, even blessed, but still feel this grey veil. I am used to it, but it doesn't make it easier, to be used to it.
And again, as long as I am hiding at home and doing nothing - things are better, much more tolerable, but just not right. Once I actually go out and live - that's it. I'm done.
Maybe it will help to get the idea what exactly I feel. Disoriented, too overloaded, even if I work 6 hours a day, frustrated, tired, tight and sick. This is how I experience living. And then, if I am not too tired, I exercise, dance or do other things that make me happy. But when it's over - I get even more depressed.
There are no easy fixes here. It helped two years ago to meditate, go to nature, to dance... And now I can't run away from this. Nothing helps. I don't know. I have to find this 'place' inside me, something in there and become it.
Because there is this filter I have, that turns everything into a nightmare, even the fun and the happiness. And I have to find what that is, why things look like this. I know it's not me, but it still owns me. Or I still hold it. It's a huge one. So I can't see how following a spontaneous pull can help me face this huge monster. I need a spiritual RPG. I need to be so stable in my center, sooo connected to myself, so not attached and not needing to fix anything, that there is no way this thing can have a hold on me. I HAVE TO DISAPPEAR! The problem is that I don't know how to do it. I can't. I easily get destabilized, pulled out of my center, I am tired and tight all the time. I don't know. I just don't know. I just know I am 'strong' enough to face it, and this is why it is so unbearable. This is why it floated up.
And by the way, it is much harder to deal with it when things are good. It makes me see that it doesn't matter what the world will give me and how great I will feel. I will still feel awful on the inside, in the background, and keep whining. This is really frustrating.
Just how do I land in there? How do you do this kamikaze act?
The only thing I am able to do is to soften, or at least try. All the rest fails. But also I feel I am missing something, having to do with the choice problem I have... I won't accept I am building this reality, and I won't accept I have arranged myself this monstrous movie. So I feel a victim of the universe and wait for it to change something.
I am waiting for the world of results to change without changing on the inside. It just can't be. But I can't find this place inside that makes choices, that creates a more aligned reality. And so I go back again to this dropping down. I am in a loop here. Same thing solves all problems. Maybe I just need more patience, perseverance and ability to tolerate more pain, discomfort and suffering? Maybe I am putting myself through the test again? Maybe I am just looking for excuses why not to be me?
I can't believe it!!!
I mean really, how can it be?!
I know what I was missing.
I was going into stuff, but it didn't help anything because... I didn't let it go!
I thought that if I just feel it, and stop identifying with it - that's enough. It never worked. I was going in loops.
I know now (internally). I am going into it, and in the background there is a question: does this piece belong 'here'? Like does it resonate with how I feel myself to be now?
For example, feeling deserted by my mom, or being not loved enough by my ex-husband, etc... Do I still want to play that? Do I still want to live this reality?
And once I feel "mmm, nope", it's just gone! Easy-peasy haha
Probably this might look like, what? But it's obvious. This is what we are talking about it on this website all the time. But clearly, it wasn't obvious to me (in the feeling) until it became obvious, as always.
I don't know what I feel more: funnily dumb retrospectively or just funny, or happy and funny...
I just know this one thing for sure:
All I need to do is ask! The answer comes right away, immediately. I am never alone.
New life!!! That's a new life for me now. I can do it!!! I can feel anything now. The missing piece is here. Huuuurrraaaaaay!!!!!!! Haha!
Wonderful! This is what I meant by "allowing awareness to direct you forwards into the light of the moment." At least maybe that helped catalyse something.
You know how it is, we understand things AFTER we really experience them. But then you don't need to understand things anymore. Funny, isn't it?
Today I wrote this on facebook:
"How the day has begun today: intense sensations...
I could clearly feel how love can reside only in hollow spaces. Emptying what is full of shit is a hard work, done through complete effortlessness. I still think it's magic every time it somehow works.
And I am tired of crying about being so close to the place where everything disappears and where I find it all, tired of my own resistance, my own self-rejection.
The closer I get, the farther I feel. Damn!
This deep connection, like a flux of my own essence all over, around and through. How can I feel such intense love spreading from my own self and stay alive? I feel it's erasing me, it's tearing me apart. I can't be this and stay myself at the same time. I can't accept it. I can't take it. So I am left with this taste of here, here it is, answer to all your questions, everything you have ever wanted, everything you were looking for. But I can't have it! And I experience this as an intense heart-ripping feeling of exile and being separated from the only thing that means something, that really matters in this world of delusions.
The thing is that this experience is so ambivalent. It's like being spread between too polarities, together and separated at the same time. I feel really happy about it. I just really really hope this pleasant torment is not the final stop. How I would want to jump in!
Ok, ok, I need patience. And time..."
I feel split between two realities now, stretched, unable to see. What is real? What is true? Who am I and what is my way?
I think I would be desperate if something didn't shift in me someplace on the way. I suddenly don't mind to feel this tremendous discomfort. My body is tight and painful, but somewhere on the inside I feel the softness and acceptance. It's ok, and if it's not, then I can take it.
I am so laughing at myself. I thought that this work has an end. It doesn't. I can really feel it now. It is always a beginning. A never-ending story...
Friends, I am lost again.
Today I was sitting for seven hours on a couch, in trauma, unable to work through it. I felt how I am destroying myself without doing anything. I could see myself suffering badly, and there was no solution. So I asked, I asked...
Then just got up and started working out. It's the best thing I came up with to help myself, to pull myself out of this misery. And then I could see how not loved I feel. How I am looking for it everywhere, hoping for it, needing it so much, but all I get is the opposite, or emptiness. And I felt sooo lonely. Like this kind of shocking sense of loneliness and hollowness. I can distract myself from it, but I can't possibly fill it.
OHOOHOOHOOOO hahaha It really hurt, so badly, but surprisingly I found myself laughing. And all this during jumping and dancing and looking quite silly.
I don't know this one will be solved. This weight is too heavy for me. I need a miracle!
I am running in circles here and seems like this will never end. The only thing that changes is that I already recognize the loops and that I get scarily calm. Again something was born in me, something I don't recognize. I can get deeper, I can take more pain, I am much less in horror. I just watch, but this time it's somebody I don't know who is watching. Is this the point? Take more? How do I break these cycles? How do I find myself in all this chaos, how do I find myself when all I can see is ridiculous forgeries. I am a fool, I behave like a fool. I can't see anything. Things that seemed clear yesterday get even more vague today than before. Some magical force and love of some people lift me up and make me live, do things, try to find my way in this insanity.
I am so lost, and I so want to be found. I just wish there was some magical word that I would say and then I would be released from these ties, from all these veils, from all that is separating me from myself and the rest of the world.
I can feel some part of me begging, and another part is watching and knowing that it can't be free as long as it needs something, like freedom, love. And yet, there is something so real in this attraction.
I am in such pain, it just doesn't make sense that I can feel the light in it. It is still not completely here, but I can sense it, getting close and it's like almost hands lifting me up, exhausted. I don't know where, I don't know why, have no idea how. Just take me wherever you want...
Is there limit to how much I can take? Is there a limit to my trust? Will this ever end? And what can I do to help myself now? Help this piece of damaged dysfunctional machine...
Have you ever thought of going back through the kind advice and sharings that have been offered here before?
Perhaps find a way to remind yourself of the 'AHA' moments that you resonate with. Write them down, pin them to your wall, desk, fridge etc - so when this arises again, you remember. It might help you to break the repeated cycles...
Here's one where you 'found it' just recently:
You just need to keep reminding yourself.
Hey Yulia, remember "Walking the Path" and the 'spiritual compass' we offered openway? It's perfectly designed for dealing with these processes and moving through them.
Might be worth giving it a try.
Thank you so much!
The thing is that I try all these things, and many other things, like softening, music, distraction too, if it's too much, and even imagination. But nothing works. All this just doesn't work. It does when I deal with other things, but they don't help when this kind of stuff is coming up. It almost feels as if I am meant to be helpless and powerless, as if this is the exact place I have to pass through.
There is control that can help for a while. Like just getting myself up and bringing myself to do things, like work. But it's just a delay. It doesn't help anything really.
And every time I discover again and again, that the only thing that really does help is just to see all these sensations as if they all come from love. It's all love. And to really believe it. But I can't plan it. It has to clock and come on its own, in a feeling, not as an idea or a reminder. I really have to feel it.
It just happened, when I was in a shower. Then opened my eyes, still felt the pain, but the mirage was gone. I just saw little details all around, and it was all full of light. Love was really all around. And then I feel down again.
What also came up through this process is anticipation for and fear of death. I could feel myself dying, felt my body going into panic, heart racing, but on the other hand I was smiling... Like this is what I've been waiting for.
Another thing that is also streaming through this state is all the faces, of people with whom I have a 'real' connection. It's as if they all come together and they are just there, sometimes saying things. It helps me hold it all. I don't do it on purpose. It's almost like a dream. I am as if dreaming it all.
I really don't know what the hell is going on. It doesn't look like anything I have encountered so far. I don't recognize myself. It's all different. And old 'tricks' just don't work. I am completely out of control in this.
So if you know this works for you, then I don't understand what the problem is.
And what is it that you feel Openhand can help with?
If nothing we say helps, then what are you asking for?
I am having hard time to see anything clearly these days. I only get some weird pieces and everything is like a dream, as if coming from somewhere where the dreams are coming from?
So I am not sure I can answer your question well.
Probably, I am not trusting myself now. And I was hoping you'll say something that will make me see something, as usually hhh
And I have seen a couple of things. Something is just wrong with me now. I need some 'wake up' slaps, I think hhhh
How is that different to how it has been for the last few years? It sounds the same to me. Or at least the same energy/patterns, in different forms.
Help me here - I am having trouble to figure out how the questions you are asking now and the things that you have an issue with are different to the ones you've asked many times before.
You are right. The pattern is the same pattern, an old issue really. And the pain is the same one.
But it feels different, as if I am much closer to the roots, and also much more centered within it. And on one hand, the resistance is much more pronounced. Something in me really fights it all, fights me. I mean I can feel this something fighting. It reminds me of when I was a child, and my mom wouldn't give me what I want or would want to get me do what I don't want, I would turn into this green little monster. And I feel it a lot when this thing is triggered. And on the other hand - I myself am not fighting anymore. This is very different.
Also another huge difference is that I am fully functioning. Before in my life, every time it was triggered - I would end up with a suicide attempt and I couldn't work, meet people, even get up from bed. Now I am doing everything as usually. I work, I study, I meet friends, you know, keep on living, and suicide is out of question, even that I am comforting myself with the idea of future physical death a lot, but it's different. I will go when my time comes, I have no intention of controlling when and rushing it. This is a really big shift for me. Because these sensations were always associated for me with an impulse to end it all. Now I am holding it...
And the last one - there is a new feeling to it all, something very calm, disengaged.
About the question:
Maybe you can't figure out the question because I myself can't figure out anything, including the question, I just feel like crying for help. I will really make an effort now...
How can I make it go faster and easier? Not the feeling itself, but the whole process I am in. What is demanded of me now, except patience and endurance? How do I walk through this wall? And where is the blindness? I can feel I am blind, but can't see where exactly, what is it I don't want to see.
Is it better now?
Feels like some really positive strides forwards there!
Yulia wrote: "How can I make it go faster and easier? Not the feeling itself, but the whole process I am in."
Ironically, by not needing it to be faster or easier. It's like chasing a butterfly - it will always slip away, until we no longer need to catch it - then it comes and rests our hand.
Yulia wrote: "What is demanded of me now, except patience and endurance? How do I walk through this wall?"
Miracles happen, not by needing them to happen, but by trusting and having the patience to allow them to unfold.
You will walk through the metaphoric wall when you realise (not with the mind, but with every cell of your being) that the wall is only there to help you go beyond it - that it is an illusion of form, to show you what form (be it material, mental, emotional etc) you are attached to. So that you can realise your true spirit nature beyond it.
Yulia wrote: "And where is the blindness? I can feel I am blind, but can't see where exactly, what is it I don't want to see."
Don't be so concerned about what you don't see. Most importantly, be completely honest to yourself, in every moment, as much as you possibly can, with what you DO see - now. With each moment of honesty, a layer falls away. You will then see exactly what you are ready for as soon as you are ready for it. This is the fastest way to your blind spot. Presence.
It REALLY helped. I knew about the butterfly, but still there is something that just wants to get done with it. And the wall. Illusion of form... I am getting it...
I know! I know! The thing I am blind about.
Not that I can walk through it yet, but I know where to look.
I could see that the events outside are just my own projection, so I was looking through it, but my own sensations - I thought I was feeling and watching, but really, I couldn't see past their form and got stuck there... I still was a victim of 'benevolence' there, refusing to see this is my own choice to experience it.
So it is not enough to watch, and it is not enough to accept it as another expression of love. I also have to go beyond the 'form', slip through and find myself spread there.
Sigh. Ok , when is the next test? Haha
Thanks guys for this conversation! I am taking notes too Trinity
Much love xxxxx
this is a very beautiful response Trin, and I also thank you for it, "the wall" especially... and Yulia, you too, thanks for sharing yourself, as always!
I empathise with this feeling of running in circles... -- actually in my case, i'm still off my feet with my ankle injury, hhhh, so limping in one place...
This feeling of going round and round, repeating patterns.... oh dear! we sure all do know the feeling!
but in the end no round is never the same... simply because I am not ever the same... even if the problems, the scenery, the questions i need to answer are the same, i'm not anymore...
how could i? i'm not really "am", certainly i am not something static... (of course)
sure enough, when the same situation comes again, oh my god how bored i can get! how annoyed too, and then i even see through those feelings as forms, as you say Yulia, and then what?
well, "then" = meaning when i actually manage to just bring myself inside of myself and feel who i am in the ever present NOW, at this/that particular point, then something shifts (for me)
and then all the difference is in me and not "out there"... this is when the wall's illusion starts to dematerialise...
or something like this... i don't feel like i am in a very articulate mood these days... i'm not very much in a theoretical mood, so this might not sound like very "smart" - so sorry about that.
i just wanted to join up here a bit and show my love to you all
this little quote (below), also, is not given because it is so "smart" or because it would say anything "new" or revelatory, but simply because it is true.
so I share with you too here...
"I first thought of the spiritual journey as a linear path towards a distant goal. Gradually, I came to realize that the spiritual journey is a closed circle of love in which we slowly come closer to the center of ourself, which is always present. In this journey there is no "progress" but a shifting of consciousness that unveils our own essential nature, "the face we had before we were born. "As this spiral path unfolds, so our concepts of both ourself and the journey change, and we come to realize the deeper truth: that the traveler, the journey, and the goal are all ONE".
Keep unfolding Yulia and Vaso!
Nice to see you here too on Yulia's thread.
ooooohhhhh, i dont know how to insert such smart icons... thank you, it's nice for me too.
hhmm... what shall i send you back then?
maybe something that cannot be seen, smelled, touched, heard, only felt
Réka, your articulation is fully turned on and Yulia I reach out with hugs and loving embrace as you work through the entanglement that brings unique detours to each of us. These posting push me to share.
A life force nudges me, hugs my integrating soul; transfers assurance that all is OK. It transmutes patience into my understanding, guides me in trust. I feel with closed eyes. I feel rightness, it sings in my ear. My senses stand ready to teach, they beckon me to attention. I melt in surrender, my allowing is all that is.
As always my thanks. Love. Mike
While I was told that there is no time, but I must say that I feel time really well these days, or more correct to say its pressure.
I was never good in this, I was never good in living in general hehe
But these days it seems like I have no choice. Since I have left the idea of killing myself, all I am left with is with the inevitability of my survival. And, funnily, this is during this time, when I have accepted that I am here to stay, most probably, in my 30's hhhhh, that I began to feel myself dying. These days are the judgment days for me.
I am flushed with everything I ever hated, with everything that ever caused me pain, suffering or discomfort, with every little unpleasant sensation, thought, belief, ... everything is coming at once. And I feel like standing in this wind of shit and... smiling. Yes,yes. I am smiling.
I am deeply unhappy, most of the time. I have nothing for me here. And everything I was clinging on is now taken away from me and I am glad to give it away. And this is why I smile.
Every day I pray.. to be liberated from my own resistance. And I am being answered. In my suffering, I am hugged, and caressed. Now when I cry, I feel as if a little more dirt is washed away.
I see myself, a monster, a complete opposite of everything that is beautiful and graceful, burning in hell, living a life of the dead, empty, hollow, soulless, but I can see and feel the light and I know it is all just a game, a mirage... I know I will be redeemed, and that it is just a matter of time.
This is the taste of exile. If I feel it, then I can find home. It will come.
It is hard to believe, how such an ugly, silly and dirty creature can be accepted, taken in by the light. But I remember that miracles happen, and that everything is crazy when it comes to God haha I look at my past, simple, pointless, stupid life, just like everybody else's lives, and I can see it washed by light, bringing peace to my heart. All the horrors and sorrows... they fade away. And here I am, just me.
Sometimes I ask for how long is it going to last? I know I am blind. For how long? And many more questions are coming... about things that I have learned from others but didn't feel right with. Only one thing means something and it is a complete 180 turn. I don't want to know anything anymore. Whatever you give me - I'll take, and that's all.
And more 'practical' contemplations:
1. How do I translate everything I learn now about the body, about sports, movement, food into something that would feel 'real', that would feel me.
2. What is my way here? I am useless right now, I have nothing that would really make me passionate. Many things excite me, but nothing really ignites my passion, something that would make me want to really dive in. Everything is empty and temporary and kind of useless. I don't want to really do anything here. I just want to rest, and travel, and then rest some more.
3. A lot of exploration about money - I find I push myself in the corner all the time. It's not important how much I will earn, I will spend it all and keep myself in poverty no matter what. What is this belief that money is bad? That living a fun life is ok? That having whatever I want is wrong? I don't know... Probably, just a habit.
4. The emptiness makes me eat. It makes me eat so much that I can't breathe. I thought it has to do with stress, with loneliness, with lack of love, with living a dense life now... but recently I got that it has to do with the lack of purpose. So I have to find something. Spiritual/not spiritual, I don't care. It has to be something that will make me feel happy and fulfilled.
5. Anxiety. I feel it all the time. Once there is something to be done - I am anxious. As if the only calm state for me is doing nothing. Even a phonecall makes me shiver on the inside. Washing face is a burden, etc. I wonder when it began, that life has become so heavy on me, and will it end. So what I am trying to do is focus on the small things, to reteach myself... I see the water-drops running down the sink, bringing joy to me... I watch the surrenderedness of the objects around me, I watch the colors, and small movements, trying to find God in little details. Anxiety doesn't go anywhere, so does not my laziness, but at least not everything is 'bad' hhhhh
6. I can't bring myself to love life. I am still disgusted by it. But I feel much more surrendered. It's better, it's getting better. And I have my moments of love. Things that make me soften and be glad I am here. So many beautiful things amongst all this ugliness. And I'm like: thank you for the contrast
7. Yesterday was the day when I let my ex-husband go, finally. It was a big day and a great joy. And so many things clicked into place after that moment.
8. Getting old. I don't know why I feel this way, but it seems like my life is ending. Like this is it. Over. I feel old. I feel dying. In a good way. And still so silly. haha
9. Emptiness in the future. This is new: I have absolutely nothing on my landscape. In the beginning I thought it would make sense to work after I finish the trainers course. But now - I just want to travel.
I don't want to be spiritual. I don't want to be adult. I don't want to be anything. I just want to travel, and enjoy life. For now. And the only 'serious' thing that I feel pulled to is the crucifixion. And before and after that - fun, please. It has become pretty clear during the last two days. But then the question: where will I get the money from for fun? The answer was my own laughter. So this is it. I am an old, old woman, living her second teenagehood and relearning everything again, from the beginning.
This is what is happening to me now, just a tiny part... There is still so much things I am seeing, so much trash. One day it will all be blown into my face, little pieces of bullshit flying in the air. And I will watch and laugh, watch and laugh, and dance, free. I can almost touch this feeling. I am almost there. Almost... I am looking forward
Ok, back to work, back to 'life', back to my stressed self hhhhh
And for whoever is reading this, including myself hhhh, or just to myself? (I'm losing it hahaha)... Ok... I just feel like saying. It is all just a joke, and one day it will become clear and you will laugh at everything that looks so serious now. While my cells are still used to depression and sadness, I am already not there, and that part tells me that everything around is just perfect. Sometimes I really feel it, sometimes I don't. But it's there... The light is always there... Not the 'crappy' rosy happy light, but the one that is healing all, that brings love into every little corner of this universe... that brings up all the darkness and turns it into gold. This kind of light. Aha.
Not much that I can say to that other than...
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