I was writing my diary on my way back. And every one two sentences I wrote X distorted, X distorted, X distorted... At least half of what I wrote! And also everything looked like crossed and scribbled, because many words were 'wrong', broken.. or... breaking it..

I see that I'm heading into translations, even if it will never be used.

As I write now, I feel how I can barely breathe and I cry. This is so hard! I really feel this delaying thing, as if I feel "I'll do it, but not today, and maybe not tomorrow, and so on".

I'm frozen here now since I feel that all things that are coming coming from the wrong place, including this sentence.

It takes me now so long to write something, and every sentence is a birthgiving.

Actually, even picking my socks this morning was like that. I stood there a couple of minutes, don't know what to pick.

But now I feel this warmth and care surrounding me. I don't mind to be thirsty, cold, tired, tensed, and even though I know I will feel pain and will have to break through many barriers, and shaking, scared, lost, but I will step into.

When I told about how amazing it is that I went out and came, alone, I was asked and how about sleeping in a tent? (it's all I can remember). I felt tightness back then, still not ready to sacrifice. But now I feel I will do anything.

I'm all tight and exhausted from writing this one, like walking on a blade.

Thank you, for evething - this wo.. I now type and make mistake in every word, so I type very slowly now, and I can feel that time has stopped, as if I'm meditating, and it is all very

This is all. It stopped here.

Note: in Kabbalah they say, that if a text was written by an enlightened, then they never fix mistakes he did when he was writing it, because the mistake too came from the flow, from above.

I'm not enlightened, I guess but I can see now what they meant. The flow. But after seeing some of the mistakes, I felt to fix them, and it also was the flow.

Haaaa,
wow, tired.

Bye for meantime

Since I landed here, and during my travel, all I do the whole day is writing and writing and writing, no matter what's going on in the background.

And the strange thing is that of the three languages I know, I feel most aligned when writing in English, the only not-mother language I know. Why is that?

And it feels as the most right thing to do, and all the rest is expendable, negligible, not real.

Has that something to do with my purpose Chris was talking about? It seems I broke the treshold of letting myself into it, is there a possibility the guilt is moving away and I'll be able to

I broke in tears, I guess it is a confirmation

Or am I just confused?

I'm about to go back to the world outside, just a few days to sink into myself. And then what? Bring it outside?

I ask this question: "Who is there moving in me?", like in the song Fiona was playing for me.

Something is moving there.

Hi Yulia,

There were huge movements of energy on the retreat. You were in the right place at the right time to open up to it. In so doing, you allowed in powerful flows of catalytic energy - Openhand is doing its stuff!

Now the key is to let it integrate and settle. Meditate often. Rest often. And above all, follow the pull when you feel it. Let it take you where it will, then watch, feel, integrate.

All will begin to make sense

Chris

Such kindness, such love! Great love. A father is watching his child suffering, suffering together with him, going through all the pain and horror with him, and still won’t let himself be weak and let down, taking wherever he has to, to bring to no other place but the place of the GREATEST LOVE he can give, not letting have any less than EVERYTHING.

The father and the child, bound to one, flying to a space where nothing can’t be done!

Just sent it to a friend, and post here for anybody else who might be interested.

Warrior wake up I particularly like!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXnlzi0TpBY&feature=related

A beautiful song I finally understand:

Berry Sacharof - "This is how it is to love yourself":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peiGz3QUGLc&playnext=1&list=PL71C52FB861D...

אל תחפש רחוק
תישאר קרוב
כי ככה זה
לאהוב את עצמך
לא מול המראה
תיכנס לתוך
כן זה יכול
להאיר אותך

trans:
Do not look for it too far
Stay close
Because that's how it is
To love yourself.
Not in front of the mirror,
Enter inside
Yes, it can
Lighten you

Chorus:
תסתכל לה בעיניים
תינשך את השפתיים
עד שזה יכאב לך קצת
בתוך תוכך היא מחכה
שתקפוץ לתוך המים
ותפתח את העיניים
עד שזה ישרוף לך קצת
בתוך תוכך תדע

Look her in the eyes,
Bite the lips
Until it hurts a little.
Deep inside yourself she's waiting
For you to jump into the water
and open your eyes
Until it burns you a little.
Deep inside yourself you'll know...

בוא, בוא ותעזור
לשפוך טיפה של אור
לתוך החור
החשוך הזה
רק אל, אל תיסע רחוק
לא אל תעזוב
כי ככה זה לאהוב אותך

Come, come and help
To shed a drop of light
Into this hole,
This dark hole.
Just don't, don't go far,
No, don't leave ,
Because that's how it is to love you...

Chorus

:')

Synchronistically, the song automatially running after is about the same, only now for women

Ahaaaa, syyyynchronicities, how we love them

See it as a small joke. I made one small modification here...

"I see the crystal raindrops fall
And the beauty of it all
Is when the sun comes shining through
To make those rainbows in my mind
When I think of you some time
And I want to spend some time with you

Just the two of us
We can make it, just the two of us
Let's get together, baby
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
We can make it, just the two of us
Just the two of us
We can make it, just the two of us.... IIII and IIIII".

Weeheehee

I didn't think it will happen already, lost hope (which was a necessary step, I guess ), then suddenly things began to happen and yesterday I signed my contract for my new apartment: signed for rent period from 21.01.2011 till 21.01.2012

hmmm

From my diary:

"(For opensite?)
Yesterday I had a conversation about opposition on the path. I used to call it friction force, but now I see it was a very narrow definition, since now I spot many kinds of dissipation mechanisms involved there.
I’ve recalled how dissipation exhibits itself in our physical reality:
*You have to have viscosity in fluid to be able to swim, otherwise it won’t matter how much you’re swinging your arms, you won’t move a millimeter;
There is a resistance to your hands applied by gravitation when you hold something;
There has to be friction between two surfaces for walking/running/climbing, etc;
And the stairs is always a great example – so much resistance is felt there!

So I had this idea that I guess without this dissipation it wouldn’t be possible at all to ‘walk the path’…"

Just a contemplation…

Yulia

I get some kind of feeling that OC is mutating, like a virus. Once you have gained some immunity for one 'specie', it mutates and new 'antibodies' have to be developed...

Maybe it has to do something with distortions? Once one attachment is released, it can jump on the other?

And also the question about intensity - does it depend on attachment intensity? I ask because it seems to me that each time I manage to release next time it comes stronger

Or am I confusing something?

Hi Yulia

My experience of Opposing Consciousness is that it is multi-leveled. So as soon as we notice one type of interference, fairly quickly, by working with the inner distortion, we can become immune to it. However, it then tends to come back at a more sophisticated and subtle level. So we must work deeper again - the new level will be difficult to spot initially until our sensitivity increases.

Chris

Just sharing some amusing thought I had today:

During my master I worked a lot with hydrodynamics.

And today I just thought:

Finally I got to know what turbulent flow is

I said that because during last month I felt like a straw in a wild river...yooohooooo....aaaaaaaahhh....mamaaaaaaaa...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turbulence

Even if nothing written there will be interesting, then at least you can enjoy the pictures...The world is so beautifuuuul

Yulia

You have an amazing strength Yulia. Your 'turbulent 'yet' flowing' post reminded me of an awesome Chuang Tzu story that we posted a little while back:
http://www.openhandweb.org/020410_how_flow_when_swirling_torrents_life_c...

with Love
Trinity
x

Hhhhhhh...I have these funny...things going on with language..

1. I have this funny repeating mispronounciation is "discusting" instead of disgusting Maybe this is really something to discuss with myself, instead of just... being disgusted!

2. Until yesterday I used this "Jesus!" thing a lot...because this is how I was used to express this emotion... But each time I felt something is wrong, why Jesus for God's sake?! ;D

So after some funny mispronouncing I had yesterday...from now on...it will be

CHEESES!! hahaha

Good morning to everybody!

Balancing between the body and the soul is quite a challenge. I feel now that I either fall into the false self if I land on the earth, or jump up and get completely off the ground if I attune to the soul. So I now work on bringing the two together, grounding while keeping the presence and expansion. Not easy at all.

So I've remembered (or I was sent a reminder), that I once read in Elisabeth Haich's Initiation, something like: "rather than breathe into the body, instead let the body breathe you". And then, if I do that, I don't struggle, but relax, and then I feel this soft landing into the body, and then expansion and it's just amazing. There are two side effects I have at the moment when I do it:

1. I feel like some kind of a retard, sleepwalking and here the amusing part is that despite I don't look, I somehow dodge when people run into me or when I almost hit my head on some sharp object, or think there will be another stair, but there isn't and so on... I look like some hopelessly clumsy but lucky character in a comedy.

2. I have blurred vision and rather stoned look

Another interesting thing that is happening when I center whlist interacting with people is that they change, and I really get to see so much beauty and kindness in ordinary 'programmed' people and situations coming out, it's so heartwarming, and I cry a lot because of that :')

With love,
Yulia

I have some funny things going on...

1. I am now taking ballet lessons, and laugh a lot when I'm running in the wrong direction or doing something 'wrong', while seeing myself in a big mirror there, hillarious! It appears I don't have to make things perfectly to have fun and be happy

2. Yesterday I went to a voice teacher, but ended up with my inner child therapy It was a challenge to give up the expectation, that I actually was supposed to sing and surrender to what was really happening, but it's just funny. You can never know, ha? hhh

3. And today I was going to university and struggling with myself whether to go to the course or not, and just couldn't either feel out nor make up my mind, so I fell with my shin on the big and sharp stone, which helped me to really go back to myself, through pain though, but I was just happy and even laughing. No continuum theory course today! Thank you very much for the BIG HINT!

Great day to everybody
Yulia

I was talking to my professor about going into the feelings and integrating everything within, and he said that for him it's the opposite, going outside.

This made me contemplate and notice the repeating message in recent months. I am being repeatedly told "get outside", like get outside the loop, get outside yourself, etc etc
But where to go out? I mean it is ME, ME and...ME again, I'm like everywhere! hhhhhh BTW this is something I realized at the early points of my adult life, that I can never escape from myself, and even alcohol and "light" drugs couldn't blur my self-awareness. It was horror-movie to see how the body and the mind lose it and can't function properly, but you SEE it all!!!! Noooo!!! :'( it was not the point of getting drunk, please turn me off, please! hhhhhhh

And during a couple of last days I thought about but how can you both be inside, connected AND go out simultaneously? And today in the morning I felt this knowing.

And what landed on me is something very trivial, but this is how it is with realisations - trivial and even banal, said and written everywhere things turn to something amazing!!! Like WOW! Because now it comes from inside, from the experience...

So...what I got is that it is actually going out from the false self into real self, so I don't really go OUT. This real self is not limited by ME, but includes many other things, like people, my surrounding, the plants, the animals, whatever comes on my way and whatever I feel.

So I defined it as going out to my field. Would it be right to call it going out to my field of consciousness?

So I is not I, but a field that is so widespread and with blurred borders, that it makes the I get blurred too.

I now see that it also has to do with me recently being able to really feel plants, animals, people, as if I feel how they are inside, how THEY are through me.

Examples:
1. a leading me out dog when I got lost in Binyamina 2 days ago. I am terrified by dogs, this is one of my biggest fears and I used to dream often that I;m being hunted by dogs. So I get a fear or panic attack even when I see 20*10cm^2 dog

So on Saturday I went out for a walk, and, as usually, got lost, but this time I got lost badly. I was looping around the same streets for 2.5 hours!!! I didn't cry, didn't panic like I used to, I was in pain (my legs and lower back), calm and sure that it will be fine and that this is a game and I will be surely 'given a lesson' here...as usually...
trust...

So here, after 2.5 hours I find myself at the same spot I started with!!! (And on the wall there's a word in hebrew written by gardener with grass - "A message"). Ok!! Ok!!! What's the message?? Here I lost patience and fell into frustration... and went to some new direction, and there!!! UNLEASHED!!!! A DOG!!! :0 A BIG ONE!!!
MAMMMAAA!!

Looking at me with this still and tensed look. And there I feel two things: 1. HIM and love, 2. A PANIC ATTACK!!!
The latter causes me to start talking: "Hello, I got lost and don;t know where to go. Maybe you know how I find my way back?". Then he got very close, stood by my legs for a minute, I caressed him frightfully and lovingly at the same time...

And then..the dog begins to move, jog, and I am walking fast after him, I just knew that I need to follow. He took me to a certain spot and turned back. I then again had a frustration moment and said please help, and then I saw a sign on the wall "security system 99" hhhhh

Anyway, he took me to a place where I needed to walk forward just a little and that was it.

2. Trees yesterday. In Ganey-Tikva, where I lived before, I had a connection with trees and plants around. In Binyamina up till now it was not so. And yesterday, while swinging on a seesaw (which became a happy 'habit'), I could feel them, AND the seesaw, and everything around. Amazing! I was crying of happiness.

But here it is: I feel THEM, but within myself, so I didn't go OUT really, but maybe instead integrated it all inwards, and went into the feeling, and as a result I could feel as if I'm outside, and then this I became everything around. Sort of. Hard to depict in words...

I'm so grateful and full of joy that I can't describe it!
:')

Yulia

This word is very popular in my vocabulary recently - the essence of things, people, of interaction, etc

It is the essence of the dog, the trees I feel, the vegetables I cut, people around with all the funny masks, and the essence of me (my real self). It is the essence of the communication that creates this deep level, when people stop playing roles and games and get to the ESSENCE of their interaction, which is built on bare feelings,sincerity, openness, awareness... and ability to see (feel) past distortions, masks, defense mechanisms, etc

A 'useful' word...

when I visit my mum in Norfolk I like to get up at first light and go for a run. This morning was lovely, fresh, bright, the light dappling through the leaves on the trees, lots of chirping birds, and that feeling in the air before the rest of the world really gets going. There were a couple of dog walkers and as I neared a lady with her dog, I realised the path was narrow so I crossed the road. Now, normally I run the same route and it was amazed by the difference it made being on the other side of the road. The camber of the pavement was different, the view ahead was changed, and I saw the details in gardens and the brick work of houses I had never noticed. It was a great reminder of stepping off the normal path and being aware and opening the senses, and how uplifting that can feel. Go on...do something different and see what happens! Mark

Hey Mark! I'm so glad to 'see' you
Really heart-warming

Aha, sometimes I notice that because something specific brings me joy, I do that, then I become as if addicted to the sensations it gave me and look for it again, then it turns to a habit and one day - only habit is there. It used to be months/weeks process, not I spot it really fast and find the openness above it.

"It was a great reminder of stepping off the normal path and being aware and opening the senses, and how uplifting that can feel."

Yeeeees!!! (clapping hands)
Actually, you write it to me very synchronistically, since recently (during recent weeks) it seems that nothing goes 'normal'. My life at the moment is like Disney-land with all kinds of twists and turns that leave me literally speechless. After I got used to it a little, it turned to fun. Still confusing and making me feel helpless and stupid (like I don't understand and know anything), but it's getting better, i.e. I'm getting used to this feeling too

I'm so glad you experience these things! So beautiful and inspiring!

Love and big hug,
Yulia

A totally spontaneous experimental 'webcam movie'. It was a good laugh...

https://picasaweb.google.com/114174186640749102158/WhoAmI#56010501338505...

After finishing it I saw that it somehow includes all the stages: watching it, then trying to force it die (get rid of it), then sadness and readiness to let go, then some pain and 'tragicity' just before letting go, then sort of 'dancing with it', accepting it, and then after letting it go it's there, but it became part of me, and there is some peace in it. It doesn't run me anymore, but is integrated and it feels expanding, whole...

But this is just the interpretation of what came out...

It was hilarious to make it anyway, with all the drama faces hhhhh

Loved it Yulia - very creative!
Chris

Hi,

I write some of the punch lines that landed on me during the WOH retreat (added comments here and there) and a couple of 'encoded messages' for me. I shared during the retreat, and here too, maybe it can be useful for somebody:

*It's not about being perfect, it's about being present, or "It's not about being perfect, but rather just being" - no right or wrong, desirable or unwanted, preferable,should be's, 'I need to work on this one's', but simply being and experiencing whatever is happening now, at this moment, as it is, FULLY.

*Follow the nothing - neither looking for/trying to create some pleasant/uplifting sensation/experience, nor go into processing and digging within myself, but really being clear, ready, open and wait to see what happens next, without shaping or expecting something specific to happen. I would say that it feels as if there's no future really, but as if 'hitting a wall' of the next moment while being in this moment, even if this moment already contains some feelings/hints about the future.

*Rest all the time - I got this one to my question "Will I ever get to rest a little?" Then I've remembered what Chris told me long time ago 'rest in your awareness'.

*The broken branch – I was holding it for balance when walking in a deep green carpet in the forest, so I couldn't see what's under. I felt that I trust that I will be held, and it held me, but at the moment I stepped on the ground it got broken and I stood there looking at it and immediately thought that trust is not about hoping that I won't get hurt or fall, will be safe, etc, and that I can grab on 'branches' around for safety, but trusting also the 'branch breaking' and me falling.

*The 7 rays in 'still alertness' - there were 7 bees who were steady in the air, very still, but not relaxed, like Ray 2 stillness, but were as if they are ready to go at any moment, and then, simultaneously they moved very fast in random directions (so it seemed), but then rearranged themselves again in one direction and were still in the air... jjjjjjjjj...and then again rearranged, and again jjjjjj… I really felt the energy and got the idea. Till now I thought that stillness is something calm, quiet, but now I could feel the other type of stillness, with some tension in it, being ready to adapt to any configuration at every moment.

*The three white doves and two black crows – the doves and one of the crows were sitting on the roof of one of the houses, and the other crow looked as if he is attacking, with sharp and aggressive maneuvers above the doves, but didn't touch them. They were sitting in calmness and it looked as if all this 'noise' the crow made was just a background noise and didn't affect the peace of the doves. And the sitting crow looked very dense, contracted, tensed, and almost didn't move. I later thought that maybe he is pretending to be a dove? I was on my way to the Tor. I was sad and tight. And after looking at this picture I felt comforted and calm, that it's all ok, and that nothing can harm me.

*The 'drums' and the 'flutes' - I went up the Tor and there was a 'love-party', beautiful people played conscious music, sang and danced within the Tor's tower. I understood that they were seeing off their friend who passed away. The drums created some waves in me, and the sounds were amplified by the structure, very deep and dense, and I felt that I'm being watched after, taken care of. So I looked up and got the message: I was standing at the bottom of the dark and confined space, with drums and bass passing through me and beating in me, and up there was a free space, light and lightness. I could feel the balance between the two. Also the event itself was rather symbolic – death happened, but it looked more like it was a celebration full of love, rather than mourning full of sadness.

There were more, but these were the most punch-line-y ones

Love,
Yulia

I am totally and absolutely tired, exhausted, feel confused and lost. As if all the walls are closing on me and I am no good for anything... Great. At this very moment my backpack fell, pushing all the buttons: anger, frustrattion, feeling I've had enough.

And all kinds of emotions and thoughts are creeping in - I want to die, I've had enough! Just kill me, let me go...let me ooooouuuut!!!! And a strong impulse to hurt myself. Only God knows what is preventing me from doing it.

Feel abandoned, deserted, the sun is not shining on me anymore (sad music in the background and the audience is shedding a pitiful tear...applause!!!!)

In the morning I thought that I will keep my happiness deep inside no matter what. Now I just feel as if life has left my body. Empty, want to lie under some tree, fall asleep and never wake up...

And some part of me is watching all this circus and is just so tired of it too, really fed up with all this boooo and hoooo and is so calm. And then the other part than these two is watching the tired part and is just not there, in nothing. And I am going crazy and jumping between these, I'm losing my mind! and my patience. And the worse thing is when efforting is coming, as if poison is spreading in my body. Even the tiniest hint on efforting making me sick, nauseated and even more tired. My hands are totally down. Can do nothing. Feel like nothing.

A tough case of split personality. Will I survive it? :S

Sorry for the bitter and dramatic sharing
It is very stormy here, in my cup... hhhhh

P.S: just to demonstrate how 'cup of tea' it is - the trigger was me unable to go to sleep (not because I was not tired, but because I am stupid I guess), eating all the cookies and crackers I had till 3 am, then waking up too late to make it on time to a group meeting where my female boss already gave up on my tough case I think, and going crazy why I do all this to myself.

Like I'm not good to anything!!! Time is running away! I don;t manage to do anything!!! Eat, sleep, work, meditate, anything!! As if I am trying to kill myself. Puuuuuhhh
MAmmmaaaaa :'(

Unbelievable how few one needs to lose it. Conclusion: I am not enlightened hhhhhh (it was a joke)...

Hi Yulia,

You say...

"A tough case of split personality. Will I survive it? :S"

It's only your ego that wants or needs to survive anything. Keep confronting the resistance that comes up. As you feel the tightening, drop deeper and deeper into it. Breathe into it, expand and unravel it.

And you say...

"Like I'm not good to anything!!! Time is running away! I don;t manage to do anything!!! Eat, sleep, work, meditate, anything!! As if I am trying to kill myself. Puuuuuhhh"

Yes it feels like death. The false self is going to 'die'. In fact it is only the ego that dies - the identification with the bodymind and its drama. But it will feel like a death.

That's fine if you don't manage anything. Don't! But then watch and work with the resistance that comes up in reaction to it.

Keep going my friend. You're on the verge of deeper and deeper breakthroughs.

Much love and empathy

Chris

I already found that the trigger was not trigger at all, but just something to blame in this state. I guess it is just a state. No why's, no justification, rationalization, no possibility to really understand it.

The only thing left is just 'give up' the resistance. It doesn't help.

Now I know how Dani felt when going up the ring each time (to fight). He knew it is going to hurt, probably injure him, but went anyway. because he felt there is no choice, THIS is what he is meant to do. Yap.

Thanks again, for everything!
Yulia

Hi Yulia

Felt I had to share as I really understand you.
I had an experience a couple of weeks back where I was going into the darkness and had the feeling of being so afraid because I truly wondered what would be left of 'me' if I go into this process deeper and deeper...I wondered if there would be anything left of 'me' at all.

As Chris pointed out I believe it to be my ego, it tries to hold on as we take this journey through our darkness.

Another interesting moment when I was standing in front of the mirror...I suddenly looked up and caught my reflection and it didnt look like me at all...I saw all of my pain in the reflection...the tightness deep within and just stared...time/space/reality went really weird...I felt as though I standing in a thick soup ...many emotions surfaced...panic and anxiety and a 'loosing of self' as I look at myself deep into my eyes in the mirror. Was really freaky! Took a while to pass and then I had to lie down!

I also feel like I have a split personality...bi polar maybe. One moment I feel open and blissful the next im on the roller coaster ride downwards into the depth of my pain and emotion. I notice that I judge myself for being in this place...although I know it serves me at some level...its not an easy journey. Especially when I feel I am going crazy. The ups and downs are more intense now but they pass quickly...although the gap between them is less.

Going out in the Matrix gets harder and I feel like I am also self sabotaging myself with dense foods and other stimulants...or supressants and judging myself for it.

It really can feel like we are going crazy, but I feel that most people just distract themselves with outside stuff to avoid going into the pain. We are all the same really.
It really is a tough ride to our true selves...through all of this...

but i believe with every cell of my being it is worth it.

Love & Empathy

Gwen

Hi Gwen,

Thanks for openly sharing - I know the dialogue will help others going through similar things - I empathise with you

What you're experiencing is an entirely 'normal' part in the build up to 'Transfiguration'. It's the shift backwards and forwards between bodymind identification and alignment with the soul. Both act through mind so it can feel a little like being schizophrenic! I just wrote about this to someone else in this comment... Attunement to the Soul

One of the key things we begin to explore as we build up to Gateway 3 are our addictions. That's because the 'fulcrum' for this transition is subconscious mind accessed from the solar plexus chakra. This is where we've been conditioned and influenced so much by society (aided by Opposing Consciousness). So we're opening to our psychic senses but simultaneously exposing ourselves to our mental conditioning - hence the up/down roller coaster ride.

It will help by working to move ones centre of consciousness out of the mind (just as I explained in the linked comment). To look for other subtle vibrations and feelings around which to centre ourselves - like the heart for example (let's be clear too though, that after Transfiguration this centre will disappear too - we become non-localised, non-identified presence).

From this centre, we can watch the interplay without getting drawn in so much. I hope this helps somewhat!

Much love

Chris

Thank you very much for sharing!!!

It is really supportive to know all this is actually NORMAL hhhhhhhhhhh in contradiction to what society calls normal.

Even though I think that now the norms are really not normal anymore and therefore most of people, especially kids are going around with diagnosis

So I believe this is one of the reasons it is so scary, the old habit to see it as something wrong. Oh my God!!! I'm losing it!!! I'm just sick and never got well!!!! (one of my thoughts yesterday) rather then just expeince it without judging or resisting, just the same way as if it was something really pleasurable. Oooooohhhh, niiiice feeeeling, deeeep, hmmmm And what is that???

Dani yesterday made me laugh about this one. He says each time he feels pain/suffering/etc he says oooooh, more please, more and it makes him smile (at least internally) and breaks the pattern of making it dramatic.

Later David (Rotter) told me that now he laughs when these things happen, like it is funny that ego thinks it can hurt the soul or fight the universe hahahahah (I hope he doesn't mind I mention it and that I put it correctly).

And Haim (my professor) tells jokes each time I'm in this kind of moods (I then laugh and am angry that he ruins my drama). So I guess the message from BC for me now is to make it fun with the help of good old humor. Of course it doesn't mean dissolving the experience itself, or making it go away, but it can be a good trick not to go into the drama about it and to face fear.

I am just sooooo grateful for you guys and other friends, yesterday I felt how much it can help and support to talk to people and learn from them WOW

xxx

Hello lovely openhand people!

Thank you Chris and Yulia for your share.

It's such a relief to know that this is 'normal'. It can feel a very lonely place sometimes.

Thought I would give a quick update after the spiral downwards of the roller coaster yesterday. I came out of the darkness gradually...through the feelings of anger, despair and well...self hatred! To a realisation that underneath all of those intense feelings is just an enormous amount of FEAR! Fear of loosing myself, loosing control, fear of what society and friends and family will think of me during this process (ego).. Nothing to fear other that fear itself ..right!

Its so scary when I connect with the pain and despair within me..I feel so afraid of the dark emotions...so intense ...through these feelings I notice complete vulnerability...daring to go through the feelings and surrendering into a place of calm and understanding of this process....that I believe is always there really...quietly waiting for me to recognise it.

And BOOM ...im connected with my soul once more...today im ontop of the rollercoaster ride with profound understanding and acceptance of the process...by heart opens and expands outwards and I feel profound joy and happiness radiating from me...can feel the magic of the universe and the profound gifts in uncovering each layer of the onion unfolding into more and more self realisations of this process and myself...its truly magical!

I am filled with gratitude for this journey and the opportunity to connect and share through openhand!

It makes total sense that the leading up to transfiguration there is alot about working with the distortions around addiction. I feel my addictions are here to serve me in identifying my distortion around it...so why judge myself? It is serving me on some level through this process...the more I observe myself in these behaviours and connect with the feelings they give me...a sense of completeness...and the more I observe and connect to the unwavering completeness in my soul that is always there...waiting patiently and in no way judging me as I make this journey to my true self.

To be enlightened by all things ..yes..I understand

Lets hope I can connect again to this truth on the next downward of the roller coaster ride.

Love & Kindness

Gwen x

That's simply wonderful Gwen. It's a profound inspiration to all working to walk the path. I heard about a guy who thinks he became enlightened in 11 days. As if!!!

We can avoid the darkness, sweep it under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist. There are many doing this in spiritual circles right now. You just keep dissolving the quiet voice of the soul when it wants to take us deep. But ultimately there's no avoiding it if we want to progress - the only way is through, just as you're doing right now.

You're a blessing and an inspiration

Thanks for being involved with Openhand

Chris

Thanks Gwen, it's so inspiring to read your sharing.

.

Thank you Chris and Lei for your kind words!

I'm rather amused at myself. I have now overcome the fear of posting on here through a pull to respond to Yuila.

And I see that we can bring many gifts of 'beingness'.....just by BEING ME...and expressing openly...whole-heartedly.

I find the soul takes over and I overcome any fear at all...although writing and speaking my truth has for me, to be spontaneous and then it feels entirely authentic. It just bubbles up and comes out...like I can't help it...it happens more and more...communication is easier than a few months back when I could'nt find any of the right words to express...like my old way of conditioned speaking and interacting with people and the world just did'nt feel right anymore...though I still stumble now and again!

I smile at myself...

Love to all

Gwen x

This is absolutely the key Gwen. When the soul starts to bubble under the surface, if we give it a vehicle to express (and there will always be one), then it turns the strength up and it wants to then flow stronger. It's just like blowing on embers. Soon there's a flicker, then a flame, then a raging fire!

Chris

... I would add

Just look how much support and inspiration it can bring and then it's like a snowball rolling down the hill and getting bigger and bigger, everybody adds to it some of their expression...and I feel as if I am being fueled by each tiny contribution, it becomes part of me, beautiful!!!

Thanks!!!!!

I'm all false self.

Almost every movement, every thought, every feeling are generated by some program or mechanism. I feel like in a tornado, or under a fire, continuous bombardment.

On one hand this is funny, on the other hand so sad, and I feel like there is really nothing I can do.

And old things, that I thought I took care of and let go of, they are still here. And even though it is very frustrating, some part of me doesn't care anymore. Ah! another distortion, welcome to the club. There are so many of them, small and huge, annoying and really painful, not a problem to let go and really hard ones, so another one? ok. Thank you.

I can really watch myself with all the automatic behaviors and sometimes I don't know to laugh or to cry, so I do both, for balance, simultaneously. Interesting feeling.

I tried to listen to and find some inner pull, something authentic, anything! but the only thing I find during these days is this hollow space within me. It is there since my Thursday's 'nervous breakdown'. But the thing is that this thing is almost 'indifferent', not moving, as if it doesn't want anything. It is very confusing.

Everything is very confusing. I am lucky I got used to this feeling of not understanding anything, not knowing anything, feeling like I am a small lost kid in a big world.

The anxiety is also here all the time, some unquiet buzz (OC I guess), very intense, and it is very hard to ground, as if I am out of my body most of the time.

Hmmmmmm haaaaaaa
It's going to be okaaaaay...

Hi Yulia,

That's absolutely fascinating! You said this...

"I tried to listen to and find some inner pull, something authentic, anything! but the only thing I find during these days is this hollow space within me. It is there since my Thursday's 'nervous breakdown'. But the thing is that this thing is almost 'indifferent', not moving, as if it doesn't want anything. It is very confusing.

And then your soul gives a clue (as it always does) in the very next line you write...

"Everything is very confusing.

Yes the everything/nothing is very confusing - to the ego! So the hollow space you're touching is the everything/nothing. And it can very confusing if you're LOOKING for answers. The key is to keep dropping into that space and rest there.

Don't look for what to do but how to be. What is your highest expression? Then let doing happen as a result of that.

Only truth flows from the void. But when the false self exists, it doesn't give us the answers we're waiting for. It gives us what we need to evolve. So let go of the need to know what to do and you'll be shown what needs to happen to help your evolution. And everything will flow from there.

Blessings

Chris

Thank you!

.

Wow. It's really interesting how we seem to be touching the same places at the same time Yulia. And then the responses are also very appropriate for me! Thank you for your reply to me yesterday by the way.

I read all of the replies to my post the other day and spend the whole of yesterday in CONFUSION! Hence my not replying to anyone.

I was sitting on the beach with my head over analysing - so much so my head started hurting! Then a deep sigh, followed by 'this is so confusing' followed by lots of tears and then a certain aloofness for the rest of the day.

As I sat on the beach I noticed the sea rising and breaking over the rocks. I thought how the rocks are seemingly the stronger of the two and then saw that it is the continuous motion of the sea although the seemingly 'softer' of the two that gradually erode the rocks over time. And then thought of the ray one/ray two balance on Chris's post. I smiled.

I understand what you say Chris about looking for the answers...just leading to confusion. Dropping the need to know what to 'do' and letting authentic being arise naturally. It brings with it a sense of relief when I realise there is nothing that I have to 'do' to move through this.

Much Love to all

Gwen

Israel is celebrating what is called an Independence day, and 63 birthday. So yesterday I took a day off, just to be with myself, alone, and went to meet some nature here in Binyamina. So later I wrote my thoughts and experiences in my diary and shared them in facebook under a threat of being criticized by the patriots (most of israelis I know are patriots)... but I don't care.

So I copy it here...

<<"Independence day.
I celebrated it in my aloneness.

I was surrounded by the darkness and the denseness of my own, but at the same time I could feel the inner space, the peace of which nothing can disturb or touch. My body and some part of me were tortured by the noise, tornado of emotions, thoughts and worries, and things were moving and got stuck in my throat, I was choking, then moving through my head, I heard their hum. I was all false, nothing there was me.

I was watching my attention shifting from the noise cloud to the silence. And I enjoyed it, the silence. I felt home.

Then I lay down under the tree. Trees are always there for me with their branches and leaves moving and calming me down, comforting me in my tiredness. And then akatz oti yetush (a mosquito bit me) and I got the hint and hitkapalti li (i.e. I left).

And when I came out of the field and trees it was as if I am hallucinating: the houses were like Christmas trees with 63's and Magen David's all around... and police cars everywhere... How festive! And then, my goodness!!! a 'delegation' was approaching. The dread of my whole life - a marching flood of crowd, this time with Israeli flags.

Hard to depict the feeling - horror. But at the same time I felt kind of softness and love, when I was looking at each person walking, I could see the light within. And then I saw them all dead. It was so real, clear and creepy. Deep inside I felt indifferent and was watching them, it was neverending, they kept coming. I crossed through and it was like a miracle, I was again surrounded by the cute cosy houses and high trees. Weird transitions.

Then a thought came: independence? Running away from the world and believing that only here they are safe. This is a prison build from fear of suffering and death, and clinging on this land, and trying to claim it. Ridiculous. How can they think they are independent? Every part of the universe is dependent on all the rest! We are dependent on everyone and everything! Did they forget how they got here? OUR country? for how long?

The only truth behind it all is that we all are here now, at this point in time and space, no why's, what for's and all that, and nothing is certain, nothing is forever and all this will fall apart anyway, sooner or later. At least because it is built on the humanity's little games of power and control, playing on masses' fears and delusions, and if not, then simply because of time.

All this is dust in the eyes, blinding and misleading. I could for the first time see how all my life I was distracted, constantly, by all this: all these concepts, ideas, images, moral codes and ethics, should be's, celebrations and grieves, the noise, lights, fireworks, the misled themselves, scared and crowd together people with their expectations and judgments. And I could clearly see WHY I felt so imprisoned and suffocated, and couldn't believe THIS is the life that is awaiting me, I'd rather die than live it and I was right. All this is one big lie...

There was no love in this celebration I felt, only fear and seeking for protection, for the illusionary place to feel safe in and call it home, somewhere outside, and also huge collective almost abusive attachment to this land and to their nationality, a herd instinct in its glory.

Why can't we celebrate THIS, and everybody is invited: that we are here on this ground that is feeding us and gives us a place to rest TODAY, that today we are safe and loved, that this place is beautiful and so we are. And that tomorrow we might loose it all, but we trust that we'll be ok whatever comes? And even if we die, it is also ok. THIS is freedom, this is independence, for me, independence of my happiness and of the beauty of this land. And this is what I celebrated.

Such sadness how we could live and how we live. The world is so much bigger, so full of beauty, and the amazing things that our society doesn't speak of conventionally. All the things we are capable of, all the love we can give to ourselves and to each other. And the FREEDOM! ABSOLUTE freedom! and absolute joy! Not a miserable imitation in form of enjoying the fake sense of belonging and safety, the euphoric excitement of consumerism, the anxious pleasure of manifesting our ego, or feeling in love for a moment and then suffering because the expectations are not fulfilled, but pure enormous joy with tears in the eyes, INDEPENDENT on anything!!! And being ready to die at any moment because this joy, this huge love IS everything, and nothing can take it from me. Unconditional love, even when I am a total mess, and all dark and lost, it is always there, and it always was.

And this is what I felt sealing my celebration with 20 minutes on a swing, happy and laughing like crazy."

The end of the excerpt.

So maybe some will call me 'totalist', idealist, lunatic, or whatever, I am waiting for times when all this will crumble down, and there won't be MY and YOUR country anymore, or no mine and yours in general, no borders, no limitations, no allies and enemies, no I like THIS person/nation and don't like that, no offenses, no hopes, no judgments, no 'right', no 'left', no need, no desire, no must do's, no should be's, no this you can't do's or can't have's, no abuse of lands, people, nations, no wars, no interests, no artificial agreements, no bureaucracy, no monosodium glutamate in soy sauce in sushi bar (I love it), and no all this f___g- making- people- miserable- and- confined crap we are fed with since we are babies. Nothing, but just love, purity and clarity of simple being expressed outside through harmonious co-creation...

...like in that free singing class in Berlin, where people just spontaneously and freely expressed their beingness through voices and sounds, and the net effect was harmony. How come we created such beautiful music, perfectly arranged, without notes, without rehearsals, agreements, director, rules and laws? I know it seems like a stupid analogy, but it is a great example of how it is possible to be free and happy and co-create together... I just felt it so clearly - independent inter-dependence... Why can't we do the same in everyday life?

I believe we can and maybe we will one day.

To summarize: We do depend on each other, because we co-create the reality, and for me the only way to make sure we create something 'good' is follow the 'good' inside. Then it turns to independent co-creation! Because what I do doesn't depend on anything on the outside, but coming from the inside, from the inner deepest truth, inner voice coming from nothing, from the place where nothing is right and wrong, nothing is better and worse, that innocent clear space. Nothing bad can come out of that place, and we all have it, buried under layers and layers of what we are not. How fascinating to see how people are inside, and how fascinating to see what comes out there, and then see the reality building itself when there are no expectations of how it should be!

HUg Sameah!>>

("hag sameah" is "happy holliday")

Yap... rotten tomatoes are on their way, I think hhhh

Love,
Yulia

Everyone: Thank you so much!

I am going through the exact same stuff and it is really a relief to read your sharings Yulia and Gwen. And Chris: your sharings are again invaluable.

It is quite frightening at times. Would I tell only ten percent to any psychologist they would tell me I need medication not meditation

Living with two different layers of personlity and switching between them is really quite destabilizing. I have times I just cant go out and be around people because I am so voulnerable and confused I just dont manage any contact. The other day I am totally in bliss, rooted in my own energy and presence like a tree. Other days I have to laugh for hours like totally crazy because the ego and all its attempts to stay in control are simply ridiculous and so obvious. What does it think? That it will stop this energy? That it will stop the force of the whole universe? Why cant I just let go and give up? Anyway...

I do not recognize myself in the mirror many times. At other times a void opens before me, a total nothingness that really scares me. My ego is not ready to die yet, that much is clear. It hoped to become more powerdful through that "transfiguration" thing. But slowly it dawns on me what it really means and the processes humble and grind me. It is jumping into the void. It really feels like death. And all in me is fighting with teeth and claws to avoid that.

Still there is a deeper feeling that the game is over, that it is sure and unavoidable.

Just like Yulia I can touch a very deep sense of being or presence. But no action flows from there. Wich is a horror to the mind, because I seemingly have to make so many defining decisions in my life right now.

So I try what Chris recommends: Just stay there, stay there, stay there.

David

Hi David (and Yulia),

You said...

"Just like Yulia I can touch a very deep sense of being or presence. But no action flows from there. Which is a horror to the mind, because I seemingly have to make so many defining decisions in my life right now."

In earlier times, especially during my early workshops, I knew it could only truly work if what I was offering came from presence - from the 'void'. But it's a scary place to be. I'd be sat in front of a group, wondering how to begin the next meditation, what music to play, or how to respond to a question, time would stretch to eternity before the answer would come. I can tell you there were many uncomfortable moments!

But then something switched. I realised it was exactly those moments that I needed most. And then I was caused to watch the film "Braveheart" - have you seen it? There's a scene where Wallis (the lead character) has assembled his soldiers to face the English cavalry - heavy horse. The English are thundering towards the Scottish lines getting closer and closer. The camera switches from the English heavy horse to the faces of the Scots simply stood there in the way. You can see the tightening and fear!

But amidst all this, Wallis is calling "Hold, hold, hold". And so they stand there in the face of this certain onslaught.... until exactly the right moment upon which they spring their trap which helps them defeat the charge.

Now I may have used a fairly colourful example but that's exactly what was given to me and it helped enormously.

With many people, there's an expectation around enlightened states (it's largely unavoidable) - that it will be blissful, that there will be endless guidance, that they'll touch spirit, that "everything will be okay". But when they then touch the state and discover NOTHING, the mind/ego immediately fears that, owns what's happening and jumps out of the state - so we're not coming from truth anymore - not from absolute truth anyway, which is the void.

But if you can keep holding that open space, no matter what is going on, no matter what the apparent personal cost, even if that could potentially lead to your death, then you will keep expanding into the void until you become it. Then slowly but surely truth will flow from that place.

But if in the meantime all you hear is nothing, then..... Hold, Hold, Hold....

Chris

this thread is certainly speaking to me right now! Thankyou.
I've observed especially recently how quickly the mind or false self wants to fill that space, almost like it can't resist it, or its terrified of leaving it as it is. Sometimes it feels like a hyperactive child who can't sit still and just wants to be busy and occupied in some way. But when it does and fills it with something less than authentic, things feel less harmonious and presence less strong. So the swing goes up and down and up again.
ANd then sometimes there might be the distortion arising again of attaching to the 'idea' or feeling of the sense of NOthing, and so dissolving what arrises authentically! What a journey eh?!

This thread has bought some clarity to that for me. thanks.

Ben

Thank you Chris. Very helpful indeed.

And yes: It seems I slowly understand on an existential level what transfiguration means. And to some degree thats not what I signed up for!

Would have been great to keep the personality and just have it all a bit more fluffy, shiny and blissful. Even with all the psychlogical healing the ego is still ok. But it really cant stand the void. Too scary.

Great.
I can't say I was in bliss for recent couple of days, mostly soaked in denseness and tightness, seeing all the 'nice' and 'true' things coming up, but at least there was no sharp pain like a week ago.

Welcome back!

This time it was as tough and horrible as previous, but I managed to fluctuate between all-of-me-is-pain-and-darkness and-horror, and this creepy state of nothingness. I don;t know which one is scarier, but the first is more painful because it is getting stuck.

So at the moment of frustration I asked - what am I gonna dooo? <:'|

And then I could understand what David was talking about, the laughing thing - I had this bitter laughing 'attack', I could see there is really nothing I can do but 'die' hhhh
I really felt that THAT'S IT!!! No exists! No run or hide away's.

Caught, trapped, fooled hhhhhhh Only one exit, man!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And then I was watchibng myself laughing from the nothing place, and it reminded me of Lynch's 'Malholand drive' - SILENCIO!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rThBw4Vi1KA&feature=related

I think I can now get the hint what this scene is about...

and beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEVWyOI-N4Y&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2h2fdZ6XpR8&feature=related

the song!!

Today something landed on me.
Understanding that it is still about opening, letting things move, freely, experiencing fully...

Before all the dark and really painful stuff began to come up, it was just learning to let the beauty in, learning to love myself, and let myself being loved, and not fighting all the rest. There were distortions, there was pain, but now it seems it was piece of cake relatively to what is going on now.

Like THAT was denseness and tightness??!!! Noooo hhhh THIS is denseness and tightness!

And today, after a long break, I felt this opening again, and the joy, and love for myself, including everything that came up.

And I got it! It is just the same, only 'upgraded'. It is the next step in self-love. Loving all these things that come up, accepting them FULLY, and then they move freely. Yes, it hurts, but today when I felt the joy I could feel just the same aching, the aching of opening and allowing.

And the only two differences are that (i) the mind is judging what is going on and makes it harder to open and fall into the experience; and (ii) the space inside now is different, and it is interesting why, what exactly changed in the dynamics?

Still opening, still letting things move, still accepting, loving and surrendering, only that things became much more 'ugly' for the ego. What then causes the inner space to feel so different than before? What do I touch exactly?

This question is there, open, doesn't demand an answer, but it is there...

xxx

Ok, I had a couple of days 'off', well relatively off, let myself be numb and dumb for some hours here and there. It turned out to be not easy at all. But this is what was to be done, clearly, I got the message to relax and have some 'fun' from multiple sources, so I just had some 'fun'.

And the vacation is clearly over And I can't say I am sad about it. It became kind of boring without the mess, maybe I got used to it?

So just to make it even more funny for myself, I posted it on facebook and put it here to, so anybody who feels the roller coaster goes up again can also gather some funny inspiration:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvufFwdqMzg

SUUUUUUUURE!!!!

Even though I have no idea what happened to me yesterday, like in general, but I feel like sharing, humbly blushing

After a couple of very contracted, processing, 'dramatic', confusing, releasing, 'mammma :S' days I suddenly felt dropping to the still and stable and quiet. I felt expansion, and a very high sensitivity (much higher and sharper than I usually have), and some sort of discernment, I could really feel where I am being pulled by what.

It also made me feel relaxed, because I did nothing to get to this place, after judging myself for disconnection recently. I could really feel that there is nothing to be done. Such a paradox! That in usual life I felt I must DO something all the time, including having fun and resting, but here, I feel, the only thing that I learn to do is to do NOTHING. "L'arte di far niente" hhhh Things just are happening, being done, I am not doing anything really, when it is authentic.

So... I felt as if I am here, but also really not here :S (strange explanation, ha? hhhh )

And I saw everything differently, as if the contrast was higher, and everything looked weird, brighter, and people were moving around but it looked as if one reconfiguring mass of shadows is moving in bright light.

Also I could clearly feel all the range of from subtle to really strong energetic pollution around, this one had some element of surprise, like I didn't feel these things so sharply, I felt only one big wave, or bunches of waves, and this time as if the resolution was increased, I could feel all kinds of frequencies around.

Also, last time experienced somewhere in January, I didn't think, look, I just 'knew', for example, I came to some spot, stood there and the train stopped exactly with the doors in front of me. Or I just lifted my leg and then saw that there's a stone down there I didn't see, otherwise I would fall, etc etc. I shifted to turn right, then became not sure it is authentic or habit-led, and then a bird flew fast exactly in this direction (I guess, welcome back synchronicities?)

-----------

Later that day I was hungry and had some salad in some cafe, and, oh my God, the way the place is designed, music, food, as if the purpose of this place is not to make one relax and enjoy what nature has to offer, including himself, but to rip him from the last crumbles of true happiness he could probably have, stuff him with plastic-like vegetables and noise. It was rather disturbing experience. The only thing that made me sure I am being watched was the cool and soft breeze caressing me and the deep blue sky above me, I felt tickling in the heart here and there, BC 'was making sure' I still have some joy in the heart amongst all this soup of denseness.

Everything looked surreal, like a question: how can people live like this all the time and bath in it voluntarily? This is... not human! How could I do that 'a couple of days ago'? (and who knows, probably I will be brought again to dive into this here and there?). I suddenly felt that this question "what serves me at the moment?" took some new form. I could see how any tiny thing affects me, and how my ego is going judgmental and rejecting, but this inner space was really 'cool' just where it was...

---------

I have befriended with some trees here in Binyamina, we have really interesting exchanges. They are calling me each time I'm on my way home (I had it also in Ganey Tikva with a couple of trees, but here it is really, like ~3-4 trees that are standing together and creating 'a roof', even home, some resting and homy area) and tickling me, I already have laughed with them and they've dropped leaves on my face, and have cried to them, and they were listening, holding space and clearing me, and played and huged, and all that

So yesterday they called me again, and I entered their 'shade' or their field, and then I just opened and connected with them, for the first time I felt some physical unfamiliar wave - it felt like electric wave, warm and vibrating with high-frequency through my back ribs up and down, up and down and then proceeding to the coccyx. Wow! I experienced it for a while with round eyes, and then my mind (to tell the truth my mom in my mind) told me that I am probably tired and my lower back is tensed, this is why it is happening, so go home rest

And I clumsily went out, but we, me and the trees said our tickling good bye, also they usually caress me on the head (energetically), or maybe more correct to say - as if we disconnect in a very viscous and pleasant way last through the top of my head.

---------

And then came 'the clou of the evening'!

I definitely have something with dogs :S

All my life I was 'panically' afraid of them. But recently I keep experiencing stuff with them. For example, the dog led me out when I got hopelessly lost. Some other dog jumped over the fence and escorted me happily to my home. If I get to visit people with dogs, they almost 'obsessively' jump on me and lick me and I'm like Wow, what's going on? So yesterday, as I was walking the street in Binyamina at night, in this expanded 'nothing' state, they ALL were barking. It NEVER happened before.

Usually 1-2 bark, not the whole street! And I thought they are being aggressive, and felt some discomfort, why are they barking this way? What is it saying/showing to me?

One of the dogs was lying on the ground free, and also was barking, and when I passed she got up on her feet and just was looking at me passing and barking, without moving anything but her head.

When I 'overcame' the fear, I felt that it is not aggression, but something else. I still don't know what, but I felt as if they are being 'warriorous' and alert rather than aggressive... All this was as if in some lucid dream...

There were many more surprises afterward, when I thought I will be asleep actually, some huge unexpected healing and releasing and all that, not less surprising and miraculous, but wow, what a day!

------------
The 'side-effects' of this state I was in were that I was somewhat detached from what was going on around, and felt all the people's stuff. For example, I couldn't really communicate because the 'artificial' waves coming from people were really hard to deal with. And it seemed that people's thoughts/feelings affected me, like shock waves through me. Like I could feel if somebody wanted my attention, or was nervous, or pushy, or anything.. I was swimming in the sea of distortions/matrix-generated emotions and thoughts, it was so clear and I don't know... wow

So today I am in the hideout :S

The only people I can talk to are 'conscious' ones, since there is then some other energy, even if the distortions are there too.

And now I also kind of see that recently I can't work, and this question is coming: is THIS what to be done? like even that I come to work now 3-4 days a week, barely, and am not useful at all and feel this really imbalance, because I am being paid for nothing then now. It can't go on like this for too long, so I either will be able to work at least a little again, or to leave it. So I ask myself - what is going to happen? Jobless? Homeless? Moneyless? Foodless? :S And really feel scared to go out of this safety disfunctional bubble I am now residing in.

Spookyness, balanced by some feeling of being lost, trusting and feeling sure that it will be fine.

Ok....

Yesterday I had some healing session with the trees community. It was such a magical and beautiful, but at the same time I could feel all the blockages and how I won't let in. I thought I can't connect because of the tightness, and said I'm sorry and then one of them dropped a leaf. And I knew that we still are connecting, wow!

Afterward I felt such a gratitude and connection with the Earth, I fell on my knees, and I was crying and crying, happy and sad tears at the same time, happy because I could feel the connection, sad because of the ignorance and the consequent abuse and 'damage'. But then I was told that it is all ok, and I don't have to worry. And anyway, it will be over soon. I felt then that THIS is my home, this connection.

Today I posted it on fb :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgCggULv8KU&feature=related

Then I went back home, so determined and ready for anything, like "that's it! Take me 'home' whatever it takes!".

Beautiful, you found it

.

I describe it in details, because maybe this dynamics can happen with somebody in some other form, so it can be better recognisable (despite I learned that in spiritual evolution I personally can't learn from others' 'mistakes', and can REALLY understand/realise what was told or written only after I myself experience it)... But anyway...

One of the things that I don't recall reading anywhere is that it actually becomes impossible not to follow the soul at some point. Or maybe I am just 'misinderstood' the message... It probably has to do with karma also, I don't know, but what happened is:

Since three days ago I feel I had some shift. I clicked with the Hollow into the body, and then on/off, on/off during recent days. Like I described already, the sensitivity increased ennormously and unlike before, when I either fell into my 'drama' or was out of the drama, but felt nothing, absolutely detached from everything, or felt like in some crazy whirlpool, totally dumbfounded ray 2, shaken and smashed here and there, I could feel some focus, alertness, attention, and felt much more balanced, I presume ray 1 decided to wake up...

Since then everything looks very different.

So two days ago I bravely declared that "OKAY! I am READY!" and the response didn't take too long I guess...

OH MY GOD!!!! I feel as if I died and came back (playing sad violin as The Other David suggested to do when I fall into the sad drama and self pity "toodoodoodoo...", then it becomes funny and of course it is impossible to keep like that)...

Anyway, I was supposed to get to the group meeting in the university. And I could feel this subtle contraction, resistance to it, almost anxiety. It was not the first time, but this is what recurrently happens every week. I try to get there - I get a horrible panic attack.

I thought that maybe it is good, I mean I am brought to deal with some situation and feelings to release the identification, right? oooor, maybe this is my soul speaks, like don't go? I couldn't feel out what to do. So I kept getting ready to get out, as the 'anxiety' was growing and growing, things began to fall out from my hands, I was hopelessly late, etc etc...

I really tried to feel out what is to be done. To go and deal with what is arising there, this huge tension and pressure in the chest? I already learned to recognise - as if I am pressed to a wall and choking, can't breathe, and all my body gets contracted, and hurts... So I tried to surrender into it, and kept walking to the train station, with my cell phone in my hand, ready to make a call, and turn back the moment I get the message, but I didn't get any!!! So I kept walking...and it was getting worse.

I tried to stop and hold, but it seemed irresistable to just keep going...

At some point I began to creally choke, cry, howl and scream!!! in the middle of the street!!! like crazy, and I didn't care that people see and hear, at all! As if I was alone. In previous times I experienced these 'attacks' on my way to the group meetings, and they were almost unbearable, but little I knew about 'unbearability' (ah, yes, the violin "toodoodoodooooo..." )... I was really going into it, and it moved, was absorbed, and I expanded, but then another much huger wave was coming and it kept going like this...

Just how the body is capable of bearing this I don't know...

At some point I realized that it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to get to the train station, I was stuck there, and this is when the good soldier Svejk surrendered and left his guard positions, no, he fell of the roof of the guard tower, no, he was blown away by the don't-know-where-coming-from cannonball!! weeeeeepBDGGGJJJJJHHHhhhhhh!!!... I called and announced with sobs and howls that I am not coming, and crawled back home, destroyed, ruined, broken ("toodoodoodooo...") and not understanding anything. What does it mean??? What does it say? What do I feel? What to do?? I was ready to go through it again if needed, but I couldn't stand the not understanding what's going on and why and what is the RIGHT thing to DO.

I decided then that this is probably because I went against my soul, and this panic attacks I had all my life were just THIS. Going against the flow.

But now as I am writing it, I begin to see something: like I am ready to take the pain, even to die, BUT! as long as the mind, or ego has a hold there, having some good, better spiritual, excuse - like we really suffer now, but it is good for blabla. What a total mess!!!!!

And even now, as I am writing it the tightness arises with the question: but what does it mean? to go to the meetings or not to go to the meetings? Unbelievable!

Well, what can I say? It seems there is no end to this, like no matter where I look in myself, I mean the old self all I see is distortions, and all broken and programmed to self-termination 'machine', all the lies and ignorance...

BUT, now the 'good' news: I was not left alone not even for one moment. Even that I didn't get "what to do" or "what I was supposed to do" in the end (maybe later, when I rest my case?), ... it was just there, all the time...

And after that, crushed and fragile ("toodoodoodoo"), I was split to inner child and inner mother (as if), and 'I' took myself to lie on the ground under the trees, and to swing, some joyous rehabilitation...

Good night...

Hi Yulia
thankyou for sharing. I honour your courage to do so. I experienced somethng surprisingly similar recently, so your post feels quite sychronistic. For me it felt almost like a battle between mind and soul! The point at which the soul just cannot 'reason' things out anymore. I'm not sure where we go from here though! and i think maybe that's the point...!
thanks

Ben

or maybe it was the point at which 'the mind' (not soul) can't reason things out anymore. hmm. synchronisty...

I just keep shooting

"Where the mind fails, the heart opens more." - it is what I experienced after the "Hiroshima Nagasaki" anyway...

I presume that this one will also be approved as 'normal' or something...

but I can't tell already between anything.

Yesterday I thought that I have something from the soul (real self), false self and OC to sort between.

Yesterday it landed on me that there is probably almost nothing 'real' in me. I saw that this is either the false self or OC ruling me now, OMG!!!

And what I thought to be real was the false in disguise or at least the false sitting on the real and distorting all the messages/expressions.

And then when I was digging and digging to see what is there, I bumped into a MONSTER!!! I even couldn't cry, I just felt horrified and the most sad I've ever been. And I even still don't know whether it was just some 'false' image or I saw something real.

I feel I can see nothing, feel out nothing, it's like one huge in-unravelable web.

And also it seems that the dark and processing part prevails, as if most of the time, almost all the time I am processing and processing and have only few moments of 'rest', when I feel something recognizable and almost forgotten, some soul-joy. The rest of the time it's a mess, accompanied by awareness, hyper-confusion and also the sense of this space in the background.

If I manage to bring this space into the body, to merge them, then the body feels very different, as if it is made from different material, and also I become much more grounded and stable, but it is very hard. And immediately after stuff, like lumps, begin to move through the body. When the lumps move, if I manage to relax, and let them just go through (despite it being not so pleasant and the body gets somewhat "what's going on? I don't know this one...", then they just move and then there's some expansion and relief following.

But many times it feels as if it won't move, I hold it. This is when things become tough, and crying became something very different from what it used to be. I never had this form of crying (funny, ha?), like the body cries out of deformation, some form of release, totally like squeeeeze and puuuush, and the face deforms and tears begin to drip drip...

And also I think I look totally crazy from outside, it's like I lost control over myself - hugging trees, screaming and crying 'in public', having hypnic jerks all the time, going around with these 'look, big pink elephant in the sky!' eyes.

I totally loose it...

On the internal and the external.

I even don't mention my disability to lead 'normal' life, either I am really sick or I get reaaaally normal, don't know yet

Ok, let's see what this day is going to be like... shot of green smoothie and cautious peeking out from behind a corner...

:S

I was not sure what I saw in myself yesterday, but I have now just bumped into this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtfNM4f2-iQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G9zr5Rnokw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mvLZB-fbcA&feature=related

It is a bit dramatic, but it pushes the right buttons (in me I mean), those I feel anyway these days...

So it is not important what it was, OC or me, the point is that I saw it, this horrible creature, inside, as if the opposite of the soul :'( dense, swallowing everything like a black hole, huge and super-powerful, and it as if told me "you are not going anywhere!" and I could feel him holding me with iron strong claws and strangling me.

What was it???!!!
Why? How? I mean OMG!!

---------------------
Note: even though it was and is something totally terrifying, and since then I feel as if I am in huge black cloud, surrounded by darkness and denseness, but also there is something peaceful in it, like when somebody is so frustrated and tired to fight that he accepts whatever is coming on his faith, and all the movements are like the last tired attempts to cling on his life. This is how I feel, and also there is another part of me, that is really calm and like "ok, come on, just keep going, drag your feet, but keep going" (ah, sad violin weeeeeooooweeeeeeooo..iiiiiiuuuuu, this is a drama-thriller this time), and the other part that sort of doesn't care.

I feel like some endless splitting to N=1,2,.... infinity personalities, each of them feeling something else, it's like some enormous cacophony, on one hand what a terrible noise, on the other hand it becomes so unresolvable in its complexity that it begins to resemble silence, as if all the myriads of noises merge into one cloud and I become tired to try to hear what each sound is telling, and then I can only see some white noise in the background, until it becomes a silence of noise.

--------------

I am sharing this because it helps me now to know that I am not alone, and more people are experiencing it and still alive hhhhhh, so in case anybody else is in such a state, maybe it will help to see that somebody else had already been there. Otherwise I wouldn't 'ruin the mood', you know. So in order to really transfer the state I identify with what I feel when I am writing...

Ok, that's it for now....

Hi Yulia,

It's a great way to proceed - writing about it brings you into the heart of it so that you can unwind and unravel it. As you're no doubt discovering, the false self has many layers to it. We might touch it at the mental and emotional levels, but when we're ready to go deeper still, we'll discover these all connect to our karma. And for most of us, our karma can be pretty unpleasant!

But you're doing the right thing. Working with it and centering within the energy that arises. One key thing you said which really stands out to me is...

"And immediately after stuff, like lumps, begin to move through the body."

This is certainly blocked energy stuck in your meridian energy field. It starts breaking up when you process your karma. It will help you to find ways of moving the energy. That's why we do the deep consciousness bodywork during our workshops. Can you remember the Openhand Meditations like the bow and the meditation in movement?

The same goes for anyone else reading this - as we go ever further (and deeper) down the path, we will release blocked energy relating to karma. This can overwhelm body and mind at times and we must develop techniques for moving it - at Openhand we use assisted deep consciousness bodywork using the hands to move energy (with similarities to massage and Reiki) plus we also use acu-pressure techniques - like acu-puncture but using the fingers to push on energy nodes instead.

We'll be doing plenty of that on The Transfiguration course in Wales, so if you don't manage to move too much before then, at least we'll be able to do it on the course.

Blessings

Chris

Puh! Thank you so much!

I already thought I have an entiety or something Went to sleep with lights on hhhh

I guess I will have to learn to trust myself a little more, and not panic and think I do something 'wrong' all the time.

On the other hand these confusions during recent two days taught me SO much, that I am already beginning to trust that being confused is also essential part of the path.

For example, even that I might not have an entiety, and the monster I saw is part of me, it is really not important, only by thinking that it might be it, and getting SOOOO scared, I worked on this fear, which very much resembled the horror I experienced many times in my childhood, I was shaking for days out of fear and was afraid to go pee even in the daylight, because then I will be alone and something bad might happen

And then I just began to laugh, it was SO funny. Like Boo! Scary! Ok, ok, I am 'so scared' (cynical) and was just laughing. But went to sleep with a candle anyway, just in case :S hhhh

Isn't it just beautiful how EVERYTHING on the path, no matter what is done, eventually works anyway?? hhhhhh
Like I feel I can really relax a bit, because even if I get lost, there too I will find the way through and out, there too will be something to let go of. Beautiful!

Another thing was self-trust and empowerment. I tend to really not trusting myself, all the time doubting myself. So yesterday as I broke through something (many thanks to the other David!!), as if something in me said: that's enough! I can do anything! Mistakes too and that's ok! That's it! I go forward! No fear and doubts!

There were many other things I saw:

*like how I am running away from myself and things I don't want to deal with, like running to eat, or to facebook, when something really nasty is floating up - so now instead, during this week I learn to listen, as if it is not happening with me almost, then I don't block, like "ok, I am listening, what are you trying to tell me? what do you want?", and this way I am bringing awareness there and things begin to move, and whatever horrible thing was there, it is softening and moving;

*how I don't believe in myself, feel weak and stupid and like "I know nothing", I'm small and still in spiritual kindergarten with all the big grown up and strong aliens around, wooow, how did I get so lucky they even waste their time on talking to me... etc
so I am like "I need help", when I am very lost and confused - and yesterday I learned how to "ok, sure I can do that, otherwise it wouldn't be here", what have we got here? ooooo what a mess, ok, let's go... And looking the fear and self-disbelief in the eyes. I got this link from another alien (german too, hmmm I am surrounded by german aliens hmmm hhhh):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb2YOg_dkQM&list=PLDD0A285177BDC17D

and I just got it!

*And also the feeling of being catapulted. As if yesterday's total disempoweredness, lying on the floor like a rug and feeling like ok, I'm dead, defeated,unworthy... was just the necessary step towards rising, big time And I really feel like okaaaay, seat belts again...WOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WpNSImh6Z8

Wait until the commenting guy, hilarious! and a great example for me, better then being afraid, not sure that the the track is ok and complaining about how not fun it is hhhh 'Cause it IS fun!!!

* going into the heart. It is written in the book, but somehow till you get there you don't really get it, ha? So now it is really like - the mind just can't handle it and can't help, so what choice is left but really beginning to go into the heart and listening and trusting? No choice, no choice. Have to reprogram all this what? why? where? who?

And anyway, with this hollowness nothing is REALLY scary and hard, it's just a challenge to bring it into the body, but once it's done, that's it! I feel like super-man, i.e. as if there is nothing that can hurt or stop me, but it will probably take time until the body gets used to accept this new thing, I can't even relate to it as to me.

* And here I too can see how I won't get into the body, just won't! So hard. As if I want to run away from it, get rid of it, like no no no, not the body... Later, tomorrow...

yap...

BTW, anybody else having problems to say I?
Almost each time I say I I feel something is wrong a little

So with certain people I allow myself to write about me in third person, Yulia is doing this, she thinks that... especially when I relate to the things that for sure are false self, like she was afraid of darkness when she was small...

And if it is about some realizations or the real self, then it feels as if ego begins to own it if "I" is used. So the last time I tried to explain what is going on with me to somebody in written form, I invented names for each:

Yulia (the false self),

the Being or the soul for the real self (I tried to play and find some name for it, and since everybody around tell me it is sweet, I tried to find in some languages something I would resonate with and there were some options but I eventually left it to be the Being),

I called the observer "the Mediator" - the temporary neutral one between the false and the real self, to make the 'dialogue' possible and to balance the system while it's fluctuating between the two, like some zero, reference, that thinks and feels nothing, just being aware and watching. When the hollowness begins to take place, the Mediator fails, since he is too referring to the "I", like ok, now I am doing this, now I am thinking that. Sometimes the false self or ego can own him and infuse some judgment there, or self-doubt like with me, but it becomes impossible when the Nothing-me gets into the picture. It is impossible to own it, only mimic it, but it fails too fast, since then efforting is rather inevitable (at least this is what I see in the meantime) and also I can really feel some squeezing in the heart, as if the soul is 'choking'.

So then for me now it is also some withdrawal from the Mediator, it contributes to the confusion and destabilization, but on the other hand, it makes make sure that one is dropping into the nothing place and bringing it into the body.

And the overall system, like false self (temporary), real self, mediator, nothingness and the vehicle I called the creature.

How am I supposed to contact people outside? I find trouble to say "I", or when I am asked "How are you?", I can't answer! Really, like great and awful at the same time, depends who you mean by "you", the body? Yulia? the soul? Who? Simple question, no simple answer... At some place I also don't feel anything, like "How is who? Nobody home" hhhhhhhhhhhh

So now I am in sort of overwhelmed state still, but it gets clearer, clearer.

Well thanks a lot!!! This site, the book, other aliens I met 'here', I mean wow! Only thinking about it making me feel so taken care of! The time is 11:11, gotta go...

Bye bye

Today my morning yoga turned to anger, frustration, and more things release.

And then I met someone, I met my teenager. How is it possible?... how can it be? how did I never saw it before?...
How can it be I didn't get to see it as he really is?... I can't stop crying. I never cried like this before, the saddest crying I've ever had in my life. I still am... and at the same time so happy! I didn't know... so ...so cute! even beautiful... clear and... and open... so kind... now I am crying and laughing.

Such a deformation, mutilation... I thought I was a monster back then... I can't I can't...can't...

Oh my god...

I can't cry enough and can't hug myself enough...

You can never know what kind of adventure awaits you, ha?

I for example had some laughter session with myself. It was soooo great, for both my inner child and inner teenager. We have now some great time, all that we could do but never did.
For me it works even better than meditation, they are so happy...

So what we did recently, after releasing much pain and denseness, is having some fun and I let them express themselves as much as they want

Here's the 4th part of it:
https://picasaweb.google.com/114174186640749102158/Kookoo#56169765353675...

(recording and editing was part of the fun... we like it)

Kisses,
Yulia

Hi Yulia, that was awesome. loved it. (and you really looked like johnny depp at one point!) thanks for sharing it and spreading the fun and joy. great music too, you have skills!
Big smiles with kookoo abandon,
L

Hello,

I have two questions:

1. Each time I do yoga, meditate, open and let the soul into the body, or connect to whatever energy/field, like Earth, trees, etc, I feel as if there's a really strong resistance to it, a block.

I used to think it is something karmic moving, but since it won't move, I begin to think it is something else.

I can't really say where the block is, but the sensations go along the back, including the ribs, along the spine, shoulder blades and somewhere around the stomach (I therefore used to think it might also have to do with OC), but the thing is that it strongly affects the heart area, and as if controls the breathing too. Plus I bloat, like a huge belly, which also prevents me from full breathing.

I anyway relax into it, and up till today was just breathing into it, it had really not much effect on it. And during last weeks it gets stronger and stronger, now it can make me totally stop breathing.

So today I asked what to do and just began to connect to everything around and to the Source, as if summoning all the assistance from the Source and the Earth, both (spontaneously, I didn't plan or tried to do it) and it began to move, but it felt more as if something really stiff, rigid is moving and getting stuck, and really unwilling to displace itself. Also it recovered a little. I feel it a little less now, after something that felt like surgery.

What might it be? (not that it is important, but maybe there are some suggestions that might help)

Or I am as usually confused and it is just some processing, maybe more resistant.

2. Two recent days feel like a vacation on Hawaii, apart from what I described in question 1.

It feels like I had some shift during last two days, but I am kind of not used to rest and 'have fun', forgot how to a little

It feels as if everything around is so great and fun! I feel really happy, joyous, maybe a even infantile.

Am I lost in a blind alley? or am I being given a small break? :S (Can this happen?) Or maybe it is just some 'quality time' with the healed part of my inner child and teenager? It might be the case since I feel their presence a lot recently and feel as if to spend some time with them and let them have their fun and joy they were deprived from in their time. But I am suspicious towards myself and therefore ask just in case.

Thanks!
Yulia

Hi Yulia,

It's really crystal clear to me that you've activated a karmic past life memory. That's why you're feeling it around your heart area - the heart chakra connecting to the causal body where such karma is held.

Also the observation that the experiences happen after meditating or doing yoga etc - you open inside, raise your vibration and so touch the past life energy that's held in your field at the higher frequency.

I get a clear vision that in the past-life you drowned in some way. I can see that you left the body but remained energetically attached to it - an earth bound soul. As that soul, you were trying to get back into the body but of course couldn't. But you could feel the body becoming bloated and stiff as rigor mortis set in.

So you carried the trauma of this event in your causal body into this life. Like many people, we live most of our lives with a good part of the soul out of the body. Over time, as we open up internally (if we open up internally!), the soul infuses into the bodily vehicles. In your case, that infusion is currently being limited by this karmic past life regenerating the pain and trauma you felt.

That is exactly it's purpose - to recreate the attachment so you could process it by becoming 'awesomely okay' with it. In other words, not denying the feelings at all or trying to 'heal' or get rid of them. Instead going right into the heart of the pain. Just as we described in Gateway 4 in the documentary "5Gateways". Invoking it, feeling it fully until you find the "eye of the storm". That place where you are not attached. Then to work with the energy by doing deep consciousness bodywork - like yoga or especially the Openhand Meditation in Movement which is specifically designed for the purpose. If you've forgotten how to do it, we'll be doing plenty on The Transfiguration course you're coming on soon.

In the meantime, keep working with it, explore the trauma, work to let go of the attachment. I'm sure it will clear!

Blessings

Chris

So I am drowning again now :S Hahahaha Niiiiiiice!

Ok!

Thank you very much!

and sure, I do Openhand meditation! But not planning to. It somehow became part of yoga, meditation and even dancing warm up/relaxation.

Good, now I go back to 'work' (on it)...

Many thanks again,
Yulia

Poor Yulia drowned in a past life!

I think these were ones of the most supportive in their humorousness words in my life! hahaha

Thank you and hug you,
Yulia

i am so so glad to have read this post Chris. i had a big big lump rise from my stomach the other day and i didnt know what to make of it and i was concerned!

Ive always been somewhat "on the path". At 21 i "gave up" to try out a conventional life as it was all getting a bit too much.

ive just turned 27 and a couple of weeks ago i jumped back on the bandwagon and have been allowing awakening to occur again.

I assume im at the pre-awakening stage.

The other morning I practised the morning shower meditation (my first or second meditation since i gave up) and once i turned the shower tap off i felt a ball of something incredibly intense and scary rising up from the very pit of my stomach. I stopped and stayed still, stood strong in my legs and tried to stay aware of what was happening.

i was in shock, it was such a foreign feeling, like an actual ball was moving up through my body. But i stayed with it and tried to allow it to do its thing while i simply watched. It started at the pit of my stomach, with a queasy sick feeling, moved up my stomach gaining intensity, it felt like food poisoning and i prepared to vomit, but made sure i chose to stay with it regardless. It moved up to the solar plexus, my breathing got incredibly rapid, i was anxious, and heres the bit that i dont understand.... as the ball was just touching the bottom of my heart chakra, i just blacked out... i woke up when i hit my lip on the tap... and my body was now on the floor of the bath. I dont know how long i was there, i dont know what happened, or how i got there, i felt dazed, i couldnt move for a few minutes, i just stared blankly ahead.

After a minute or two the thought arose "ive got to get back in my body" and then the vagueness faded, my ears started buzzing and my hearing got really really loud. I lay there waiting until i felt ready to move... then i got up.... and i felt just like nothing had happened, and off i went to work.

Could this be just some karma unleashing itself from my body? Im considering coming over and doing a course soon but in the meantime, I was wondering if you might be able to suggest some more info on what to do next time this happens?

i have just joined a meditation course with 2 people who do bodywork as a team. I told the teacher about my experience and he said to ground the energy down back thru the body into the ground, this dosent seem right to me (but i have so much fear at the moment skewing my perception)

any feedback on any of this is much appreciated!

amber

Also id just like to say a huge Thankyou for this website and for everybody sharing their stories, its been so helpful to find this information and to see that Im not alone!

Thanks for sharing Amber. You've shared the symptoms of a typically human condition. Many people are not really fully 'in the body' so to speak. In my book Five Gateways, I've talked about how society is a system that seems to have been perfectly designed to condition and limit us. I speak of an evolved energy which I call "Opposing Consciousness" in the field all around us. Its purpose is to limit our evolution. I know what that may sound like, yet I feel and observe its effects all the time - that's what happens when our consciousness expands into the field all around us.

One of the ways in which it works, is to cause distraction through "excito-toxins" - TV, Radio, New Media, addictive food substances (like sugar, caffeine, alcohol), electrical gadgets, mobile phones etc etc. It causes so much disharmony within, that the soul fragments - a big part of it essentially 'leaves the body'. I'm also very aware of people who have within them what we may call "energetic implants" - like a coiled knot of energy which distracts us internally away from a pure consciousness centre (a chakra).

So for example, your attention might be drawn into the stomach so that you've can't really prevent being influenced through the chakra just above it - the solar plexus. It's a method of distraction and frequently such action takes place through the solar-plexus chakra connecting into subconscious mind. So now it becomes very easy for you to be programmed into acceptance of a lower level of conscious living - the 'matrix' of mass human subconsciousness - people are conditioned into controlled life-styles. We're basically living a life of the false self, 'bleeding' energy into the field all around.

When people truly start to wake up, they become aware of such conditioning and control - although some just consider it to be an aspect of their own ego. As we start to work on our meridian energy field (including the chakra system), then we start to become sensitive to the influences and begin realigning our internal state of consciousness back to what is was always supposed to be.

As this happens, people experience all kinds of powerful releases. Traumatic experiences arise in the body for no apparent reason. They feel physical and have physical symptoms, but their cause is energetic and the releases can be very painful, but deeply healing and transformative. We had this happening for quite a few people on our Five Gateways Workshop this last weekend. We use chakra opening and cleansing meditations to begin the transformative process.

It's all about increasing sensitivity through internal awareness. Exploring the pain without getting drawn into the drama about it. Just exploring it like any other experience. Then allowing what wants to move to begin to shift of its own accord - yes working with people who truly understand what's going on can be of a great help.

Some people do sometimes speak of 'grounding energy' but we need to be really clear what's meant by this. What I feel is necessary in your case, is to release the blocked negative energy out of your system - it feels like you've already begun that process. You might feel like wretching or vomiting. If so, let it happen, but when it does, let yourself feel all the negativity release from you - such intention moves energy.

Once you feel that the disharmony has cleared as much as possible, then bring centred sense of relaxation and presence back into your body - especially around the solar plexus. It can often help to imagine a warming sun nurturing and healing within that chakra - breathing into it, radiating its healing warmth through your field on the out-breath. In my book Five Gateways under Gateway 3, I've shared chakra meditations for opening and cleansing plus specific meditations for protecting against such 'psychic attack'. You might like to read it - I believe it could help.

Best wishes

Chris

Hi Chris,

Reading your post explaining Yulia's situation makes me realize that I am definitely an earth bound soul too. My heart reveals to me that I repeatedly died violently young with a strong energy of shock and not wanting to die. Within the last three years I have gone through 2 periods of about 6 months each of processing and releasing the energy of 2 different deaths via heart chakra and I think I am well on the way of becoming "awesomely OK" with the second one . Reading Openhand website and sharing is a big help for me.

I just wonder whether I will also have to process the end of other lifetimes in the future as it is quite probable that the pattern of my life story repeated and most likely I experienced more than 2 earth bound deaths? Or can I somehow cover the story of other lifetimes that I don't remember now by understanding the overall pattern of my soul story?

And one more question. Half a year ago when I was "exploring the riverbed":-) just before I started to move upward again I went to a fortune-teller and was told that not only that I was killed, but also that someone cursed me and that the energy of the curse together with the old karma finished by the end of 2010 and that in 2011 I begin to create the energy of a "new karma".

What is your take on such things as a curse and its energy?

Thanks a lot.

Lots of love,

Reni

Thanks for your reply Chris, im still absorbing what youve written so i will read gateway 3 of the book tonight and reply in a little bit

interesting: ive done a speed read through the five gateways book, when i saw the words "opposing consciousness" i reeled away from it and chose to completely avoid the whole of chapter 3 haha

Gratitude to Yulia and others for sharing their story on here, its helping me lots to read about and giving me courage to just go for it

(as a result, i had the courage to ask for 3 months off work today to really give this a committed go)-woo!

Hi Reni,

Just to be really clear about what we mean by "Earth bound souls" - the condition happens when someone dies, but their soul is still very identified with the physical plain. They build an energy body which keeps them attached here and so don't move on into the higher realms ready to reincarnate. So since you're incarnated here and now, you're not an earth bound soul!

However, like everyone else, you will certainly have had many incarnations and certainly many difficult "passings-over" resulting in the trauma and attachment of such passings being held within your causal body as 'karma'. This is what brings us back here and recreates the attachments for us to work through.

With regards to 'curses', energy can only really attach to you because at some level you fear it or identify with it and so form a limiting relationship around it. There is such thing as psychic attack - where unsavoury energies exploit our own vulnerabilities. But really, even they offer enormous potential to evolve and grow because they expose our fears and ego limitation. If this happens, then we know exactly what experiences we're being invited to become awesomely okay with and evolve through.

Ultimately then, there is nothing to fear except fear itself (and not even that!!!).

Chris

YOU are awesomly ok heeheehee

Thank you Chris for explaining I have just ordered 5 Gateways book. Looking forward to exploring it and learning more

Hey

Foooooooooh

It used to be so simple - hurts - run, pleasant - take more.

Now things get more and more weird and unexpected.

Nothing is clear.

I can see the mind struggling all the time to make sense of things that make no sense (for the mind), funny and sad.

Anyway, I never thought I will actually trust anything in my life so much I will be ready to take the pain from it. This is a very interesting relationship, of still distorted personality and the body with the soul during all the reconstruction.

It seems that the personality gets more and more fragmented, as if loses its form, the sensations are split to tiny pieces, and no rationalization can take place, cause hey, no other players but me.

Amazing to feel things I felt in past and gave them some explanation, why it happened... and see them now just arising, without an external trigger, just from within. All my stuff.

And also sometimes I can see how these tiny fragments suddenly all belong to one big issue/attachment, and I never thought they are correlated.

At this point of my process I feel on one hand a great commitment, and determination about capitulation to the soul. Like Napoleon is ready to get all the slaps, thank you.

The question is who is determined?
I can all the time feel this tightness in the front of my body, as if some part of me is really ready to do anything, like come on, let's do it! and this is not me at all. I can tell by the tightness itself and by as if moving forward, like this determination is about the future somehow, and I lose the 'settleness' and the sinking in the moment.

So I go aware about it and it is like a fog, clearing away, then comes again...

This is all in parallel to all the processing, now it is the drowning thing and also since yesterday some horrible heart ache, and I cried a lot yesterday, felt so sad.

And today I can't even cry, it's stuck, in the throat, will take some time.

And this thing is just unbelievable!!! I can feel its imprint on so many things in me: like hating the body, feeling embarrassed of myself, wanting to be alone and inability to express myself, this masquerade I do all the time, switching masks (out of fear to show myself, to face myself actually, it appears), and also something really nasty in me, like wanting to hurt myself and others, some poison in me, and I feel this bitterness for already ~ a month, like sinking into grey mist, and I all go grey.

So this looping with ego that agrees to go "all spiritual" and trying to trap me, sometimes it works for it, I go blind...

Also it is interesting how the soul is always welcoming back, never 'judges', I mean I notice, switch and it is there, and all the love is there, and of course the pain hehe

And the last thing - the body... I feel exhausted most of the time. Especially when doing yoga/meditations. And I am like, oh my God, I am supposed to do it 24/7. How???!!! Usually I switch on/off during the day, sometimes being aware of slipping, sometimes going blind. But here I am being aware and working on restoring the balance all the time, processing, making choice here for 3 hours, I have another 21 minus 6 to 8 hours (sleep) to go like this. But the body is dead, I drag my feet.

Anyway, what a ride!!!

I am VEEERY excited aand happy bout coming for already two weaks, and only today, for the first time the fear crept in, but it took me really fast to realize that it's just that the excitement reached such a high level, because it is so close, that it got flipped to fear, anxiety, so I now just feel the energy flow... It is HUUUGE!!!

Love love love )

Yulia

Hi Yulia, thank you for posting this, I am feeling so many of these same things right now, and I am so exhausted. I have a tightness in my chest in one spot below throat chakra area and above my heart that is constant from Tuesday. And there is an overall lifting pulling from teh front of my body. And i'm experiencing waves of vibrations inside, like my whole body is buzzing, all the time. I'm drained and lightheaded. I close my eyes and my body just starts to lift up and expand, and i'm also going through lots of pain in various parts, processing karma, etc, so much stuff happening these past two weeks. and how i feel changes every day. i don't write on here about things i'm going through because I haven't wanted it to be a distraction, and i'm not good at expressing or explaining things right now, it's such an effort, and i don't have the natural ability to write and articulate, it doesn't come easy and my words never feel sufficient to describe things i'm feeling, going through, so many things, all happening one after another, so i feel there's nothing I could even begin to say about it. but I might start at Chris' suggestion since I don't know anyone of like mind to share with. i'm not sure if i need to share but maybe I do. Having the openhand website and forums has been amazing for me and I read it all the time. so maybe it's a good thing to start sharing personal things going on. i'm in quiet and solitude most of the time, and in nature, and everything happens in the stillness. i'm vibrating constantly inside, and then the waves of vibrations, like something is being activated, maybe some chakras are opening. i've never paid any attention to them before and yesterday i swear my third eye started to activate, i could literally feel that spot on my forehead, i still feel it, but who knows. i don't even know what "activated" is but something is going on in my body, intense movement and activation of something. i'm also experiencing weird things with "reality melting" like when i look at things but then they start to move and shift shape, sometimes melt, but that is getting better lately. i'm also having pretty intense crow experiences that I intend to talk about/reply to in Harmony's post about the same thing but I just haven't had the strength yet. I'm also starting to deal with some intense inner teenager/child stuff which i'm afraid of and i really related to your comments: "...like hating the body, feeling embarrassed of myself, wanting to be alone and inability to express myself.." - got the sense that it's my inner teenager feeling these things, who knows. i know i have to deal with them soon but am putting it off because I sense i need more strength. or maybe i'm scared and don't want to face them:)

But yes, i'm very tired lately too, on and off sick, headaches, pains, all the time, I know what you mean about dragging the body. i don't feel well at all, very hard to move or do anything. but at the same time, everything feels right? somewhere deep I know it's perfectly right. today i'm just flowing, allowing it to be, everything, the pains, the vibrations, all of it. but that's just today! anyway, wanted you to know that you're not alone and i'll send you lots of light from sunny california!
with love,
L

Hi L

Thanks for sharing!!!

For me one of the great gifts this site has to offer is redefining 'normal'

Because if one relies on the conventional 'normal' he will probably consider himself totally losing it and will ask for conventional help hahaha

For the inner crumbling of concepts, habits, definitions, etc, I find it really important that there is also some outer crumbling of those, to fit the inner shifts, and vice versa. So here, on this site it is possible to redefine the 'normal', and for me this was extremely helpful before and very important now. It is so easy to get lost, especially when there are stil influences from the outside (like when you go hsopping for example), OC attacks, and feeling others' fields, in addition to one's own distortions and processing.

So I think sharing is one of the tools in redefining the 'normal', until THIS is conventional The soul is!

So thank you, site, and the book, and the people, and you for sharing

Hi L and Yulia,

I think it is so good that you share all your feelings here on this website. For me sharing has always been a great help as if telling a problem made it half solved. But it is also a risky thing because people around you can take advantage of your vulnerabilities and further suck your energy. Many times I feel I let people live on my energy and I dont know how to protect myself.
I feel extremely tired processing various things that I would only relax all the time and I just desire silence and peace.

Have a great day,

Reni

Thanks Yulia:) This was great to read. I think that's a really important point, "redefining normal" - I understand what you mean and definitely see how being involved on this site can help with that. I liked how you put it:

"For the inner crumbling of concepts, habits, definitions, etc, I find it really important that there is also some outer crumbling of those, to fit the inner shifts, and vice versa."

This really struck me because if you're in the Matrix -or around a lot of outside influences - or you're like me and not around any outside influences too much, there's no place for your new outer self to BE to get its new "sea legs" - its new "authentic" way of being - and walk around in a place of unconditional love where its comfortable to NOT be the conventional normal. I think you're right, this virtual community gives us this space and sharing is a great way to help adjust to our new selves, as we crumble both inner and outer conditioning. I'm going to try to share more:))

So thank you thank you thank you Yulia for sharing with me!! xo

And YES, thank you to the site, and the book (which I feel enough cannot be said about - everyone needs to read the book!! it will OPEN you!! the movie is phenomenal, I didn't get the book right away and was blown away by the movement I had reading it, it takes you even deeper) and the people:) SO much gratitude & love.

L&L
L

Hi Reni,

Great to meet you:) I wanted to say hello when I read your other posts - it seemslike we both might be living a more withdrawn life right now and feel best when we're in nature? Am I remembering that right? And you're in India, which is amazing - but you may be leaving soon? Do you know where you'll be next?

Thanks for sharing with me - I think I'm getting the message about the importance of sharing (as you can see from my last post to Yulia:) I do think it's going to be important for me in this process and I'm going to try and reach out. It's not easy for me to share personal things so because it makes me tight, I know it's something I need to face. I don't feel the "risky" thing about people taking advantage that you mention, maybe someone else can speak more about that and how to protect yourself more. But I know what fear feels like so I can relate to that aspect...

I definitely understand what it feels like to desire silence and peace - what do you feel when you're there? In the silence & peace?

Sending you love & lightness of being xo
L

Hi Reni,

You wrote "people around you can take advantage of your vulnerabilities and further suck your energy"

Since I have this sensitivity to what's going on with me, I could feel many times how 'people do things to me', for example by simply feeling something (I mean that I can feel what other people feel and I used to suffer from all this cacophony of my and someone else's emotions even with one person around, not to mention some place full of people). And if anybody comes with some intention towards me, I can feel it, not maybe necessarily understand it.

I still even didn't get to the case when somebody wants to 'harm me', at least because already what I've mentioned is enough to totally ruin my balance.

I used to take it real bad, like not going out for a long time, not seeing people (I always felt most balanced when I was alone, with only one exception).

In additiont to this one I also lately discovered that I myself do 'harm' all around by simply not being able to be myself, my real self and really got good messages about how every word, gesture, thought, emotion affect the system around chaotically, i.e. leads to huge deviations all around (the butterfly effect). So I became really scared to go out this time because I do 'harm', until I realized that there's nothing to fear really.

If somebody tries to take advantage on my weak spots, then I will feel it and will be very greatful for showing me my 'Achilles' heel'. Actually this is how the evolution seems to work anyway - somebody is pushing exactly those buttons I myself wouldn't maybe dare to see and work with, and I never considered myself prone to denial or cowardice, I rediscovered these properties this year.

As to myself causing harm, then if I don't go out and see all those masks and mechanisms at work, caught in act, then I won't be able to learn how to do it, so...

Conclusion

Nothing to worry about, everybody is welcome! Scary vampires too I have this charm they won't be able to resist, it is called - the disappearance trick: "I am here, here, here...see me? Now you don't hehe"

Hey L,

What a wave you sent in your post, I am blown away

And thank YOU!!!

Huuuuge love wave to you <3

And here's another sharing to seal the sharing topic

Today I was at the sea... I feel I have some special connection with the sea since I was little (maybe it has some correlation with drowning, but the connection I feel is actually deep and beautiful, even though I AM scared to drown :

Anyway, I had these pure moments of presence, and just simply sensing (seeing, hearing, feeling, connecting)... I could really see every tiny bubble, and the wavy calming motion of the algee in the water, and the waves coming above me when I dived underwater. These were such blissful moments! And I have remembered what you wrote about the spiritual surfers and the clip and I couldn't help but think how nothing happens for no reason!

As if there are imprints of my path lying before me all the time, I see my own foot steps in front as if I have already been there, through this kind of things, as if I am being played with.

I say:"Oh my God, I can see nothing, understand nothing and what's going on! don't know what to do!!! :S And all this time I have a red flag with big writing about what exactly is happening, but in such a way, that I can understand only after I experienced it without knowing, but just living that moment innocently openly, clueless. These actually are the ones that assure that I stay present, otherwise I just lose it

Funny and fun!

Hi L and Yulia,

so nice to meet you

Regarding sharing I have never had any big problem with that myself. I mostly trust people and I am able to open quite easily. My partner tells me that I am the most naive person he knows. But it has happened to me lately that I was sharing something very personal, which later got to the ears of those I definitely didnt want to. I know that it wasnt meant to be used against me, people just like gossiping. So, I realized I should be more careful. Still I think sharing is a great thing as we are all fingers on one hand anyway. I think that in the "darkest" moments I had no choice I just wouldnt have made it through without sharing or maybe I would, but I was desperate for it.

Yes L, I feel best in nature and also with animals. Things that make me happy nowadays is the little pink rose tree in the garden or walking the dog and talking to him. I feel so tired of the life dramas I have been so deeply involved. I feel that I have walked the Earth thounsand of times, experienced depths and hights and now I want to go home. I frequently talk to the angels and I know that my place is here, but I dream of the angelic realms. And in the silence I feel the presence of the angels and I know they are helping me.

I had a fantastic experience. About 4 years ago, I cycled with my ex-boyfriend across Australia (Perth to Sydney) and around Tasmania. Almost 5 months living in the bush. Every morning ready for a new advanture with no concept of time. Each kangaroo made me so happy. It felt a bit heavy cycling along endless farmland, but then the bush started with all its life and sounds and it was so elevating. I would shout with the sreeching parrots, watch the Southern cross in the darkness of the Nullabor plain or play with possums. I stopped worrying about snakes as all the wildlife is afraid of you. I felt so free and detached from human dramas and I felt so protected by the universe. I couldnt return inside to the "reality" of everyday life afterwards. I felt that the reality of everyday life was false and what I experienced in Australia was real.

Then, I fell deep deep into the density of my attachments, financial and relationships. I lost almost three relationships in a row, but hopefully when I loosened up the grip the third one will survive and I am financially dependent on my partner while in India. I felt so insecure that now I almost got used to it and I am slowly beginning to feel that I dont care and I am slowly letting universe to take care of me like in Australia. When we come back home (Czech republic) from India I have no idea what I will or want to do, but I am sure that there is something in store for me. I am grateful to the universe that while processing so much staff in India, I have so much time just for myself.

You can imagine the energies in India. People are everywhere and they want to interact and I shun them. I am like a sponge absorbing all the energies around and they are strong and strange. And I dislike their hierarchy game, which they make you part of, although as a white person I am on the priviledged side, still I cant relate to it.

What I meant by people taking advantage of my sensitivity is that somehow I feel that I am too open to their emotional burdens and I end up processing not only my garbage but also theirs. Maybe I am only talking about my partner and ex-partners

I like reading you guys, you are so real!!

Reni

Hi Yulia,

I got a big wave back to me from you too! Also, when I was reading your post, I was outside and a crow flew over my head very slowly, made one swoop and then back again, cawing in a different way than normal, it was a slow, calm, different pitch than usual. I’ve been having all these crazy crow experiences in the past weeks, like absolutely NUTS with the crows out of nowhere, so I’ve just been getting used to them and I’ve started to tune to their cawing as a result of so much exposure. And I’ve never heard this caw nor seen the position the crow was in as he/she was flying, it was beautiful with its back tail feathers fully spread and I could see the definition of each wing feather because they were so spread out and it was so close overhead. Anyway, I know it sounds weird but I got the sense of a message of connection, very peaceful and different, and like always with the crows I think, for me to “pay attention” but it was softer and very different so that was notable. And that it came while reading your post, at the end. NO clue what it means but definitely got a big wave at that moment and also a lot of things from your post that resonated and I felt to respond to!

First, the sea. I love that you call it the sea, that yours is automatically a “sea” (Mediterranean, right?? ) and not an ocean. I just love the word, sea - sea sea, see, see, see, the sea, to see, to swim in the sea and see..and not be blind☺ I have a special connection to the sea too I think, I love it there. Although lately I love it everywhere in nature, but no place feels like swimming in the sea☺

Second, I also (apparently) drowned at least a couple times in past lives. Once was really terrible because I was beaten and other terrible things then my feet chained to heavy boxes and thrown overboard – lovely☺ The other time I was only 11 and apparently drowned on the Titanic – or some similar ship, who knows. I did past life regression years and years ago, but I threw up salt water reliving it. I had never been afraid of the ocean, having grown up at the beach and always being in it. Then one time when I was 15 I went deep sea fishing with my brothers (I don’t fish but went along for the ride – I would always scare the fish away making noise so they wouldn’t be tortured, my brothers rarely took me with them because of this). We had to leave at 4am and the seas were really rough and I got super seasick. By the afternoon, the seas had calmed, were deep blue with great visibility and all I wanted to do was dive overboard and melt into the water, which I did. I let myself sink with my eyes closed for a long time – too long I guess, because when I opened my eyes I was so deep and I looked around and could see forever and I looked down and couldn’t see a bottom, and up and couldn’t see a top, and I started to freak out, panic, I couldn’t get back up, and when I hit the surface I broke out into hives and the boys had to come get me out of the water. It was the image of the deep ocean that triggered it. Then over the next few years whenever I would see television specials on the Titanic or read things or see any images of ships underwater at the bottom of the sea, a deep fear would well up in me, total panic. It was strange. Then I was led to the past-life regression stuff (and for other things) and the two drownings came up. So I was laughing when I read Lei’s (hi Lei☺ ) post to you that said “Poor Yulia drowned in a past life” – I was laughing so hard. And when you wrote back to Chris “So I’m drowning again, great!” Needless to say, I could relate and had a great laugh with you both.

Third, over time, my fear of drowning, deep water, etc., started to dissipate and I was able to dive and snorkel without too much fear. And it was strange I never had the fear when I was surfing, ever – even in the roughest conditions falling and tumbling and being held under until you feel like your lungs are going to burst and you’re going to pass out – never a fear of drowning, only in the deep water. But I remember exactly when the fear totally left me completely, which I wanted to share with you. It was odd because it was while watching a scene in a movie, The Abyss. Not sure if you’ve seen it? Amazing movie. But there’s one scene where the girl HAS to drown in order to live (so symbolic, right?? love the paradox), and the scene is set at the bottom of the ocean like the deepest part so the whole movie I’m having that deep ocean, cold water fear going. But through watching this scene, I somehow managed to embrace/confront my fear of drowning. Maybe it was because I related so much to the girl character, and the theme of the movie, and the whole thing being underwater, I don’t know. There was something so beautiful about how she LET GO, it was so visceral for me – I just got it. And remarkably, now I view drowning as one of the most peaceful ways to die, a complete turn around from the fear! Crazy!

Anyway, I wanted to share the scene with you since we’re past life drowning buddies☺ Here it is (and watching the whole movie even better though):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fjS0ocT4FM&feature=related

Lastly, your experience and what you wrote about swimming in the sea today is so beautiful. To swim as nothing, to be nothing, to disappear… and become part of everything. I felt everything you described and understand…you are so blessed to be experiencing this state of “nothingness” such “pure moments of presence.” To truly let go and disappear, “see nothing” “understand nothing”, it’s so perfect.

I once took a Buddhist philosophy course and we spent a good deal of time on the meaning of “nothingness” /nirvana/emptiness etc., and I swear I couldn’t even find my arm when I was done with that class! Also had a lot from western philosophy from Heidegger and from Sarte’s “On Being and Nothingness” – distractions of words eating words eating words, going nowhere, trying to point but so far from it, not that they all didn’t hit on something profound, a kernel, a nugget, sure they did. But because words can never explain it, only experience – like the one you had – and transformation. And only the enlightened can ever really get it…otherwise it’s the blind leading the blind, to an extent I guess. But nothingness/emptiness is at the “heart” of the Buddha’s teachings.

Below are attributed to the Buddha on nothingness (I googled, did not remember from school!):

"Where there is nothing; where naught is grasped, there is the Isle of No-Beyond. Nirvāṇa do I call it.”

and:

"Sunnato lokam avekkhassu mogharaja sada sato" which means "You should look on the world as being empty".

OF course it gets much more deep than that as we disappear into everything, which is “no-thing” at all! this is where I start to loose my arms☺:

"There is that dimension where there is neither earth, nor water, nor fire, nor wind; neither dimension of the infinitude of space, nor dimension of the infinitude of consciousness, nor dimension of nothingness, nor dimension of neither perception nor non-perception; neither this world, nor the next world, nor sun, nor moon. And there, I say, there is neither coming, nor going, nor stasis; neither passing away nor arising: without stance, without foundation, without support [mental object]. This, just this, is the end of stress."

Sorry for such a LONG reply– I blame the crow, she compelled me to write, haa!

to light & presence & no-thingness….
L

Yulia, I hope I didn't scare you/anyone or activate anything negative with that video clip! I didn't think that all the way through! What I think resonated with me about that scene was that 1)she realizes what she has to do 2) the natural fear arises - she's terrified 3)she accepts it and lets go 4) she faces her fear.

And so my message was we have to face our fears. The only way out is through...

Anyway, that's what I saw in it and why I think it worked to take away my fear of drowning! Apologies for not thinking more sensitively about what a scene might make someone feel who has a fear of drowning!! p.s. she does live!!

cheers & love
L

Hi Reni,
I also feel my best, or the most natural, when I am in nature and with animals. I have always had a deep connection with animals, both wild and domesticated, since I was a child. I have three dogs now and all I really enjoy doing is being with them walking in nature. I live near some beautiful mountains and my backyard is quite lush so I just sit or walk with the dogs, the trees, the flowers, the birds, whoever comes along. Your experience cycling in Australia sounds amazing! What an adventure. I spent time in Australia and loved the kangaroos so much too – I saw them at Pebbly Beach in New South Wales and spent hours with them, they are so unique, I was in awe. It’s hard for me to be around people too, human drama, etc., when compared to how I feel when I’m in nature and with animals. I once watched a video of Eckhart Tolle talking with Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer (not sure you know who he is?), and Tolle was commenting on how natural and in balance or “present” Cesar is when he’s working with dogs, and Cesar said, “Yes, it’s always been natural for me to be with dogs. It’s the humans I had to learn how to be around.” And he went on to talk about how it took him half his life to learn how to be comfortable around humans, to be “himself.” I totally related to this and feel that way so strongly. But “everyday life” is the Matrix, it isn’t real, it’s all conditioned and out of balance. Nature by contrast is perfectly in balance. And we’re part of nature so something in us naturally longs to be in balance, to “go home.”

And I can feel the fatigue in your voice when you talk about being tired of “life dramas” and feeling your past lives and wanting to “go home.” I came across this video on the website yesterday that Trinity posted for “all those longing to go home” – maybe it will help soothe you in this time☺ The music is so incredible and I think they play it in the Openhand courses to help everyone to connect to their soul. I’m not sure the link is right but you may have to scroll to the bottom of the page:

http://www.openhandweb.org/12_signs_of_awakening_spirituality#comment-1831

It must be incredible to have the angels and feel the angelic realm. I’m glad you have them and they are helping you. I’ve never felt them but I’m convinced one of my dogs sees them and talks to them from the bed☺ I think you’re right to trust the universe will take care of you. I’ve had to work with letting go lately, and it helps to think about the animals in this sense, that they don’t stress or worry about what comes next, they instinctively know everything is exactly as it should be and the universe will provide everything they need. All of nature is this way. I learn so much being in nature. Except for my dogs, haa, they need me to feed them, they’re not waiting for the universe, lol, but that’s domestication☺

Yes, I’ve heard that the caste system is still very strong in India despite all the efforts to get rid of it. It’s sad to hear. It’s in such extreme form there. Social classes exist everywhere to an extent, here in the U.S. it’s generally divided between the rich, the poor, and the middle class, only three classes really, the division mostly based on wealth and education. It’s nothing like the caste system in India obviously, where its so deeply entrenched in the culture and the poverty is so extreme. I know it’s all relative to an extent but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept suffering at the basic human rights level. I’m a big fan of Gandhi’s life work in helping his people in this sense. I wonder what he would say today. Have you seen the movie Gandhi? It’s truly inspiring, I think I’ve watched it a dozen times. Whenever I need perspective or inspiration on how to live in the Matrix, I watch it. I’ve felt a strong and constant pull toward dedicating my life to alleviate suffering at the basic human rights level, but I’ve been such a mess in my life I don’t think I can help anyone yet. We’ll see how it all plays out I guess. But yes, I imagine the energies would be very strong in India. I’ve never been there, and never had a desire to go for some reason, no clue why especially with my spiritual interests!

I remembered the other thing I wanted to ask you about too – Osho – you mentioned in another post that you spent time reading his teachings? I spent a few years reading his teachings as well and I was curious about your impression of his center in Pune. You said you didn’t like it or got a bad feel? Did you visit there? I was disappointed to hear that, but not surprised I guess.

Also, I think animal/nature people (I also feel the same when I’m around children) are super sensitive in general, I think we’re open and everything comes in so we have to remember to say no, be selfish, and not process other people’s “garbage” in addition to our own stuff! What I’ve noticed lately for me is that it’s easy to be in the silence and peace, I’m “safe” in nature and alone, and I need that right now and have needed it for the past 2 years, because I can’t handle the inner changes with all the noise of the matrix, like I need this time to heal and gain strength without distractions - which is also why I'm not on Facebook, etc., or didn't want to start posting on here because it's so much energy for sensitive souls. But I also sense strongly that I’m going to have to start venturing out of that safety net in order to face mirrors and process things. I think it’s perfectly right for me now but something inside me knows I’m going to have to figure out “how to be comfortable with humans” at some point. Or, then again, maybe not! I seriously think about a life of solitude and it feels soooo good. haa. Basically I try not to think or plan, I'm just trying to stay open and present now. But it's a good day and it's always easier on the good days:)

Thinking of you and sending you love & light☺
L

Hey L,

what a good morning!!!
Thank you for inspiration and such wonderful 'your energy morning shower' hahaha

Interesting how the 'drowned ones' here have some connection to the sea/ocean hmmm interesting

Thanks for the link from The Abyss, what I resonated with there is clinging for life, I process it a lot, this grasping for breath and for life, being unable to let it go. Harris later also shows some anger in the other dramatic scene. where he is trying to revive her. I could also feel something there, inacceptance of death. One of the motives for my suicidal trials (I found in past) were to try to control it, the death, rather than waiting for it to come (which can be at any moment). I didn't feel peace there though :S

There are two peaceful scenes in the movie The Piano, which I couldn't find, one in the beginning, where she falls into the water and everything goes silent, and the other in the end, I found it only this one in italian :T

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ieltsn_jyNI&feature=related

The kissing scene in the beginning is unrelated hhhhh

And the movie The Whalerider also has some peace in many water scenes there.

This kind of athmosphere is ~ what I feel towards the sea - calm, peaceful, deep, and the sounds feel differently, magically, maybe even ethereal.

You wrote: "And only the enlightened can ever really get it…otherwise it’s the blind leading the blind, to an extent I guess."

I actually really don't think I am But I think that anybody can touch this state even if for tiny fragment of second. It is just tuning into the right frequency. We all can do it, I believe, it is something that is in human nature, peole just don't use it.

So I now touch this place, and maybe I might discover that this is something different from what is described, from what you have cited, and now I feel some kind of other nothingness.

I all the time feel how I change, how my perception changes and am really careful not to say :"Ah, this is how enlightment feels", or "THIS is the observer/the Seer", etc. But I do call what I feel these names if what I feel fits the description, at least because there is no other name existing for it.

After all, I can never really know what kind of "nothingness" another feels, I can only feel whatever I feel in ME, even if I feel I feel somebody else (wow, it was one entangled line!)

Another thing: I am canot relying too much on what others write/say about their experience in terms of trying to 'own it'. Like AH, YES, I have this one, feel that one. For me these are only the markers, road signs, or echos of my own experience...

I also have noticed that the mind gets into funny games. Like when the mind reads about some experience and ego wants to have it, many times it either begins to strive for it or mimicks this experience, and I can really feel the fraud there. Funny... In this case I just 'step back' and watch it, and despite it can be a great exercise/trigger to go back to presence, I think that one can really get lost there for a while. I myslef sometimes feel like a child who needs to give up the icecream when already having it and eating it. Also somewhat funny. Like come ooon, give it away... no, just another moment, please, another lick

But anyway reading and resonating bring much inspiration and uplifting, and once one is aware of all the mines in the minefield, then it realy is nothing but of some more help on the path

Don't know why I wrote these 'warnings', but anyway I don't understand and know much recently hahaha

Here's some funny photo: https://picasaweb.google.com/114174186640749102158/Funny?authkey=Gv1sRgC...

hahaha

Thanks again!!

With looove,
Yulia