Loss of who I am and the sorrow I will feel


I have often heard of the need to 'let go of the self' in order to progress along the awakening path of enlightenment. I believe we are talking of the ego and all of its beliefs about who we perceive we are and all of the attachments it has built-up and remains identified with. Identities we accumulate throughout our lives and become attached to so we can identify 'us/me' as an individual.

I personally feel a great deal of satisfaction and warmth when something jolts my nostalgia button. For instance I was looking on Facebook earlier and there was a newly uploaded picture of some teachers from my primary schools days - and what a lovely feeling it brought to me to see those faces again; faces I'd thought I would never see again!

I get the very same feeling whenever I see images or, details of long-lost friends or school/work colleagues. It doesn't even need to be living breathing human-beings, either. For instance, I walked with my wife along an area I used to work at - actually my first full-time job - and had some wonderful memories come flooding back. In fact some were so overwhelming that I momentarily lost composure and had tears in my eyes at the lost memories/experiences I recounted of younger days.

Memories seem to play a very important role for me as an individual - they give me identity, purpose and pleasure of recollection (obviously I'm filtering information somewhat as I'm sure I had bad experiences, too, but refuse to acknowledge then!).

Is it really necessary to, when living in the 'now', to let go of all our worldly experiences which reside within our memories, to just disappear into the ether?

Also, is it unusual for one to experience feeling of dread, impending doom and loss of everything in the early hours of the morning? I awake early and feel a bad feeling which disturbs me to such an extent I am unable to further rest.

The walk I referred to earlier was in a location of some beauty - canal sidings and lots of flora and fauna. Peace and solitude such as this also effect me so profoundly as to bring me to tears. The combination of raw beauty, silence and a wanting more in and from my life simply impact me to such an extent I could just breakdown. I also seem to experience a strong connection or infatuation with the moon, especially on well lit nights when the moon is full and stupendously bright. I just can't believe what i'm experiencing when I look at the midnight sky with all the stars etc - it's just staggering to me at times! I feel at a loss sometimes when I try to impart my feels of utter disbelief to others at what I'm seeing on a clear night, and don't get the same admiration for it all. Do they see something different to me? I just cannot take it for granted - it's too profound!!!

Im seeking a location similar to the picture on the front cover of the Five Gateways book - I just want to 'be' as the sun sets in front of me, without thoughts, worries or stress. I want to feel the warm radiance of sunlight penetrating my body and mind. (I had better hurry up and find this location before the really cold weather hits or there won't be much warmth radiating anywhere lol).

Well i wasn't initially expecting to write quite this much, but it just seems to have spilt outta me for some reason. (It does constitute as a lot for me, honestly).

To one and all, without exception.


I think there's a big difference between the 'self' (or false self) that you mentioned and the uniqueness of the soul (authentic self). One of the things I've experienced in time spent with Openhand is the idea that our unique journey or 'story', our experiences, can be a really valuable part of our authentic self and authentic expression. It can help us realise many lessons, connect with others and further unfold. It seems clear to me that this ascension and evolutionary process is not about dissolving out our unique characteristics and unique stories, at least not right now.

I feel the confusion here is once again of definition - if by letting go of the self you mean to dissolve the story or unique characteristics of the soul then that doesn't feel completely authentic to me because it feels like a denying.

Letting go of self in an authentic way might actually refer to a letting go of attachment to the self (or the false-self, or ego). Are you attached to your story? Does it confine you? Who are you without it? A letting go of the attachement to the IDEA of who you think you are. It doesn't pretend it doesn't exist, but rather is about releasing attachment to this idea, moving away from an ego centred perspective and into soul centred perspective.

So it can still be very much authentic to feel and explore heartfelt connections with others and do things you love to do, coming from a soul centred place; but when you find yourself interacting through obligation ( perhaps certain family expectations for example) or slipping into old behavioural patterns or conditioned pathways, these may actually contribute to the construction that is the limited or 'false' self. Then I feel that is the 'self' that you are being invited to let go of.

I feel that the more we let go of this 'false-self', the more authentic we can be and the more we unfold. and even when we flow completely from Pure Presence all the time it seems to me that authentic soul connections to others, nature, activities etc will quite probably be even more beautiful.
thanks for sharing


Hi Muttley I find your concerns very fitting with me right now!! I have some concerns about my own journey, it almost feels like my barriers have come up because I too feel that I am being lost!! Everything about my life seems to be in constant flux, where for years it was very routine y!! Being on my own for nearly a decade as a single parent is no mean feat!!

I seem to find at times recently that I have sat somewhere not specifically doing any thing!! My mind has been blank of all thoughts, and I feel I have forgotten more than I ever knew about myself!! I have very little drive to do a lot of things with little spurts of energy coursing through my body, at times pushing to achieve a little bit more. Maybe I just overloaded my system with change and I am having a respite right now, indispension is a funny place to be!!

I have massive blanks in my memory about certain parts of my life as you say it is not something I want to remember all of the bad times. For me the memories of my marriage were varied from good to hospital visits with injuries to my children as my ex was never quite big enough to pick on the adult in the house!! He had a fear of reprisal from his brothers and sisters husbands!! So he just chipped away at my soul till it felt very shrunk away from me. Or maybe that is the next bit to be stripped away from my surface and its feeling very raw right now.

On your location search have you ever sat on top of Mow cop?? It is overlooking the Cheshire plain, very close to the edge of Stoke on Trent. Close to Kidsgrove and Scholar Green, Google map it you can find good directions from you. I have at various times in my life sat on the top on the big rocks at the top looking out over the view!! It has this feeling of expectation about the place at times and others it just clears your head with its blustering winds. In the summer on a peaceful evening it makes everything feel just nice and calm.

It is apparently one of the tips of a perfect pentacle which spans across Stoke on Trent, as for where the other tips are I have forgotten.

Anyway I hope all is well for you

Speak soon

Love Kerry

Hi Kerry

I personally seem to have hit a plateau as i'm really struggling holding onto my feeling of connectedness or any spiritual meaning! Maybe i should just 'go with the flow' and see what develops - if anything.

I was never the most motivated person but my life at the moment just seems to be at a stand-still, despite any incurring problems that are just awaiting me over the horizon!

I am truly sick of the system we live in and see most things as a blatant lie - be that government, banking, religious or any other establishment we've come to accept as 'normal'. I'm sure that my current outlook on life is affecting my spiritual progress as I'm just wholly dissatisfied with the way things are! Now that can be things that are affecting me as an individual or, things that are affecting others' to which i witness wrong-doings.

For instance: I watched a programme on ITV4 the other night (i don't usually watch TV)called Street Kids (or something like that), and i was just incensed to see young kids actually living rough! They had chose to do it because of family circumstances eg violence, sexual abuse etc.

It's was bad enough that these kids felt so scared or abused that they didn't have any other alternative but to go and live on the streets, where there was even more danger just waiting for them!

Between the ages of 16-18 these kids were found accommodation (if there was any available), and were then pretty much left to get on with it. After 18yrs of age I wondered exactly what fate awaited them.

There is a quote by J. Krishnamurti: 'It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.' And another one is: 'The current crisis...is a crisis in consciousness.'

These 2 sayings are with me wherever i look...be that on TV, in work, at my local bank, the Government, current global financial situation, the whole world seems to be a total mess!

Unless we change our ways - and change them fast - humanity is nothing more than a plague on the planet! We are parasites. And the current 'powers that be' are at the heart of our evolutionary crisis - they are THE problem. Greed, money and power - they'll not let go of it without a fight!

Have you noticed just how many people are now on anti-depressants? It's a equal to a pandemic!!!

It truly is a sick society. If only people would open their eyes and see the plague.


Hi Muttley,

I know your comments were directed to Kerry, but I couldn't help read them and feel compelled to respond to them.

One of the things that is so remarkable about the soul, is that when we have a genuine question from the soul, then the soul always answers through the personality in our own words and mostly, immediately after the question. Please allow me to demonstrate...

I hear you asking why the following is happening...

    "I personally seem to have hit a plateau as i'm really struggling holding onto my feel of connectedness or any spiritual meaning!

Immediately afterwards you say...

    "I was never the most motivated person but my life at the moment just seems to be at a stand-still

Herein lies the 'problem' and the solution. You even quote the solution a little further on...

    "The current crisis...is a crisis in consciousness."

Yes I agree with you. But it is not a crisis with governments, leaders, the depressed and what we see on TV, it is within your own self where the issue lies.

If it doesn't serve you any longer to be governed, controlled or influenced by those 'powers' any longer, then don't be. Notice what's going on, but choose to see the beauty, attune to the miraculous. See the extraordinary within the ordinary. Sit with a flower, as long as it takes, until you marvel at the profoundness of it (even if it takes you a week!).

Finally, let me share this short story with you about the making of our film "5Gateways" which is due to be released soon...

    We were wondering what the ending to the film should be. Both Trin, myself and the producer (Brendan) felt it should be a dancing scene but we couldn't quite envisage what or how.

    We'd just finished filming a workshop at Findhorn in Scotland and were traveling back down through the Lake District where we stopped off for the night to recover. We were all very tired. That night, one of the team had a great idea... "why not get up early in the morning and film the sunrise at Castlerig Stone Circle".

    I have to say it didn't fill me with joy having just finished a challenging workshop. I felt I just wanted to lie in late and recover.

    Nevertheless, 5am the next morning came, and we stirred our sleepy eyes and aching bones to head off to the Stone Circle. When we got there, it was dark, cold, wet and deserted. Brendan got the camera out to shoot some general background scenes but the last thing I felt to do was anything remotely like dancing.

    I caught myself in a mood of demotivation and asked the universe "show me, why this is and what this is all about?" Straight away, my attention is drawn to mountains surrounding the area and the horizon where the sky was getting a little lighter.

    The sky was clear all around us except that is for this one place where I was drawn to look. There was a very unusual cloud which looked like a man on bended knee preying.

    Suddenly it hit me like a thunderbolt. I'd been wondering why the Stone Circle was not feeling special to me when it supposedly contained so much druid and celtic history. In my demotivated state, it simply looked and felt like a bunch of old rocks.

    But it was up to me to FIND the energy within myself. The unusual cloud gave me a clue. So I stood myself at the entrance to the stone circle, went down on my knees in the cold and wet, and then bowed down to the energy of the circle.

    As my face touched the dewy grass, and nose pressed into the earth, a tingling vibration shot up my spine. I could feel the presence of druids all around. I'd paid my respects to the energy and now the energy was paying its respects to me.

    I felt positively invigorated and enlivened. I stood up, began to sway, then to move to the vibration, then to dance. Trinity soon joined me, the two of us dancing together in the quiet early morning to the rising sun.

    Fortunately, Brendan had the wits to catch the scene as it began and we caught the perfect ending to the film even without intending to do so. The beauty and joy of the experience will stay with me always.

So to me, if we really want to change the world for the better, and uplift both others and ourselves, it has to begin within. We have to make the choice to see beyond the ordinary, beyond the pain and the heartache. We have to find a degree of motivation to tune into the beauty. Then our lives will change and so we'll positively influence everything around us.

You never cease to amaze me in your responses - both in time and relevant information! Thank you.

The only question I have with your reply is: -

'If it doesn't serve you any longer to be governed, controlled or influenced by those 'powers' any longer, then don't be.'

If i don't allow 'them' to control me then there is a likelihood of a prison sentence, surely? This obviously regards the corrupt banks and our esteemed and corrupt governments.

We technically all need to pay taxes, abide by their rules, cover out debts etc etc.

I just wish I knew the answer to leaving the system behind and just spreading my wings!

Once again a heart-felt thank you

Hi Muttley,

It's all a question of fear and trust. Benevolence works through all situations and events. When we step up to the edge of the cliff, we have to be prepared to jump and trust that we can fly.

This is all an illusion. I've found that when we test it to the limit, we really can fly and a path miraculously unfolds before us. That's not just in my life, but many people I've worked with.

Ultimately we find the freedom within and this unfolds to fill our outer world.

Hi, I wanted to share my experiences about internal freedom:

1. About a year ago I had a feeling of being imprisoned and forced to feed 'the system' I found very wrong. I was looking at all those restaurants and shops and cars, all this noise...I felt so against it all. I wanted to be free! I wanted to find a place of my own, where I could feel belong. I was convinced that the universe will eventually and soon bring me to such place, and was asking for help...

But instead I found myself absolutely being soaked into all this, everything I wasn't ready to accept. I couldn't understand what's going on. I began to go to all these restaurants, and eat food I was not eating for years already, feeling poisoned and confused. I felt absolutely dependent on this system, I felt I can't leave.

What could it mean? I decided to wait...I thought it won't take long. It lasted half a year! .. I'll skip the process, the point is that at the end of it all I got to a place where I was not judging anymore. I didn't want to manipulate the reality and others, including the so wrong system, which didn't seem wrong to me anymore, but it just was as it is, with all other facts accompanying it..I mean I see it, but I don't judge it and don't feel I must run away or change it.

I could finally concentrate on myself and begin to build trusting relationship with the universe... and, while being inside the system ... I feel free :)

2. I was very afraid to survive on my own, I always have been suffering from low self esteem, I felt insecure, lonely and scared. All this caused me to be very dependent and anxious in my relationships. On one hand, I was terrified that I'll be dumped, I tried to destroy it myself, so that at least I won't need to suffer the uncertainty. On the other hand, I hated my partner for this dependence and felt I want to be freed from it, which again led to destructiveness... It was driving me crazy... Can't go and can't stay, caught in terrible place, staying in relationship, but keeping a distance..

It took me years of work to understand the mechanism, and then to gradually become at least less impulsive and emotional about it all... During last year and half, while learning to surrender, trust, open, all those things I learn here... I finally got to the point when I felt - that's it! I'm ready to leave. I don't need this man anymore. I'm here only because I was afraid to survive on my own and now I'm free, finally!!!

Only to discover it was all I was supposed to do. Almost immediately after there was a switch: I could go, but I didn't want to. I could finally see him, my husband, I could see someone behind the wall I've built to protect and hide myself.

Before my marriage was just external 'mask' for me, behind which, it appeared, hided love and deep connection.

So, the point is that I was expecting external changes, but what happened is that the moment I changed internally, things have changed externally, but it was nothing I expected to happen.

The other point is that usually, when judging external situations and states, I find out that it means that all those things I feel bad about are hiding somewhere inside me.

Maybe I'm afraid to see something in myself, that I choose to judge and reject something or somebody outside.

Like discovering that all this 'noise' I was judging was really inside myself, I was still dependent and addicted to it. Or my frustration from my husband making me feel lonely - I found that I myself blocked him.

Well, that's all..

..I think I'm confusing tenses all the time, sorry, it's because in Russian (my native language) there is only one past tense.. :)


I have a question.

Muttley opened this 'conversation' with memories and nostalgia.

I have some weird kind of memory loss.

I delete whole periods and events, including people involved in it, which according to my family and friends took place. I barely remember my childhood.

I didn't have neither sentiments nor nostalgia, ever.

But, since all my evolution clearly is moving things, for example, I was surprised to find out I was sentimental when leaving my previous desk last week, or when thinking (feeling) I will eventually leave the place I live in now. I see it differently. I feel new staff - nostalgic, sentimental.

So, what does it mean? Is it important? Maybe it's just new colors in my emotional palette, which I was not allowing myself to express before?

And memories - why I delete them? Because I'm still not ready to confront them?

Hi Yulia,

What you're demonstrating are classic signs of karma. As you know, karma creates the experiences of our lives but we can't really fully process it until we're ready.

So we may have certain experiences, like in childhood for example, but we're just not ready to go that deep yet. Or alternatively, the people around us aren't evolved enough just to hold the space whilst we do go into the karma.

Typically people want to take the pain away, especially when we're young. Parents especially don't like to see us being anguished. So we push it down, bottle it up, switch attention to something else. This is probably why you can't remember what is there.

But it will come up again. The consciousness will recreate similar experiences - so it will all just unravel in its own time.

In reply to by Muttley

Hi Muttley

Sorry for not replying sooner, I seem to have forgotten which part of the site I wrote on. I too seem to have been having a plateau time in my life or that is how it seemed when I was in my certain situations or even a going back to previous 'places' I have been!! This last week has been particularly strife filled it seems!! I was just revisiting places that make me tight to learn a bit more about me!!

I can only agree with Chris with his reply, releasing the aspects you feel most emotions about is really the direction to go!!

Are you coming to Stoke on 3rd December?? Your pretty local to us here!! It would be good to meet you!! I can even meet you sometime to have a cuppa if you need to?? I can promise your wife you will be safe, im not wanting to cause any domestic arrangements to fail!! :) Bring her along too if you like?? I know you've written about her feelings of the matrix living before.

When I met Chris and Trinity and David in July I was in a very similar state to how I see you are feeling!! I had my head full of all these woes about my life!! Very out there type of feelings!! Not an ounce of inward reflection.

Being around everyone in Glastonbury really gave me this perspective on my outlook on life, I had a real bonus moment, it was like someone opened the book I had been reading backwards and upside down at the right page so I looked at it anew and WOW the penny dropped with me!!

It is scary to look inside when for many years I been looking at the situations outside and seeing the unfairness of them!! Its really easy to say look what everyone is doing to each other and to me!! Classic look at the news its filled with horrors and depressing stuff!! AND attuning to it and feeling it inside!! Destruction awaited my soul on that path I felt!!

I have been keeping everything at arms length from me, even the good stuff and I feel I was using it as an armour so that no one looked at the real me, so I could hide away so I don't get hurt!! I will have to look at that further inside myself you know!! What made me hide in the first place!!??

It is so easy to go to the doctors and get the tablets I agree!! I was given them a few years ago for post natal depression and took a couple but really did not feel it was my authentic way to cope!! So I gave them back to a very puzzled Doctor, with a request for counselling.

In reality it was not the babies or the hormones, which made me feel "bad" it was the reflection of me losing myself in the identity of being "mum" a role assigned to me in society and by my closest people around me, the expectations of the role being so humongous and feeling I had lost my identity as an individual! Projected?? or just a learned behaviour by everyone around me and me myself??!! Maybe both??

Not really the issue at hand, just a new thought maybe??

What are your real issues?? Inside of you!! What is your soul saying to you??

Im still identifying with mine very slowly!! I feel I need it slamming into my head at times you know!! Cause they are obviously there in plain sight in front of me but I just can't seem to see them blind to the real issues at times!! Every now and again like the summer retreat I get a real insight an its a YES moment!!

Are you ready to come have yours?? Its worth it you know!!??

Any way love and light wished to you, Muttley, it will get harder before it gets easier im afraid, see you soon I hope

Love Kerry