Lost.
I feel lost. Torn. A part of me wants to be this “crunchy hippy” girl who doesn’t want anything to do with commercialism and materialism. And the other part wants me to be the normal 25 year old girl, who dresses in fashion and main goal is to meet a boy. I am lost. One minute I am depressed and overcome with self loathing and bulimia, with no desire to recover or become something more than this. Then I am overcome with hope and the desire and longing to find my way in this world. I know it probably just sounds like I am crazy or bipolar or something, but I am not. Or maybe I am. Sometimes I think I am crazy when I talk about energies, past lives, twin flames, ect. But then I stumble upon something like this and I think I am not crazy, that I am lucky enough to have these thoughts in my head, and have the desire to be awakened. Has anyone else been here before? Are there any suggestions? I don’t really know what I am looking for or wanting, I guess just to know that I am ok, that it will get better. I want to know that I will find myself, and that I am not alone.
Are you inspired by the Openhand work? Find out how we can help catalyse your spiritual evolution... Openhand Courses
Found
Hi Stephanie,
Our world is configured so that it is difficult to find our true selves. It is designed so that it if you begin to touch the real you by contemplating things like 'energy' or past lives, that you will certainly feel torn.
To me insanity is being anaesthetised to what is really going on. Insanity is blindly following a system that is meant to keep us from really seeing. Insanity in NOT honouring the interconnectedness of all things and our innate desire to reconnect with nature. So any pull to feel what is really going on is certainly not crazy.
It feels like you are experiencing a conflict between two worlds. This happens to most people who begin to wake up. I remember experiencing the very same thing in my early days of awakening.
Keep exploring. Keep connecting with people who are exploring their true selves too. It makes it much easier when you befriend allies on the path. You are certainly not alone.
sending Love
Trinity
Surrender
Hi Stephanie,
Yes indeed, what you describe are classic experiences immediately prior to the awakening - being torn in different directions, not sure why we are really here, nothing really satisfying, little making any real sense of things.
Surrender is beckoning. If you can begin to watch yourself in all of the things going on in your life, at some point, you'll discover you are not that which is efforting to shape an existence - you are in fact that which is beyond and watching the shaping existence. This is what we call at Openhand becoming the "Observer" of ourselves and life.
Suddenly you are no longer that which is "being done to". You are no longer the victim. You become an eternal presence which is simply witnessing and having an experience of life. You are not the small ego "I" - you are vastly 'bigger' than your experience.
So if you keep watching yourself, and as Trinity suggests keep connecting with people who are also awakening/evolving, and spending time in nature, then at some point you'll feel the pull just to let go and let be. This is the surrender that can lead to the initial awakening. I've talked about it in my book Five Gateways in case you're interested.
Best wishes
Chris
To unfold
And perhaps something like this...
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anaïs Nin