Hi Cody,

I really empathise with you. I too was greatly inspired by "Autobiography of a Yogi" and was also initiated in Kriya yoga early on my path.

One thing I realised early on, is that even though some of the eastern approaches can be so heart warming, there do (at least to me) seem to have quite a skewed idea of what Enlightenment really is and what this journey is really all about.

So yes there's quite an emphasis on attaining states of bliss, but this is just an experience - like ALL experiences they are simply transient. We are not any experience. We are what precedes all experience.

To find balanced harmony in life is to accept that we are creating all the experiences we have, from the inner into the outer. To not to deny those or try to change them. To become awesomely accepting of them.

When this happens we begin to develop the ability to look into the outer mirror and discern what is really being shown to us - our distorted behaviours are being reflected and our gifts.

Then the key is to work with the distortions and the negative energy they develop - to go deeply into these and 'bathe' in them until you no longer identify with them.

Then it becomes possible to open into the 'void' of everything/nothing from which authentic beingness simply arises and then shapes the path in front of us.

I too experienced a deep conscious multi-dimensional state during a car crash right at the beginning of my journey - it awakened me to the possibility of what lies ahead.

But then afterwards this multi-dimensionality closed down to a degree. But I kept walking the inner path, confronting distorted behaviours (around relationships for example), working through the blockages and then opening into new levels of beingness.

Slowly but surely I have integrated the original multi-dimensional experience as a living way of life.

I'd say the inner journey beckons - and what that really means in every single moment - not just the 'peak' experiences.

Much love and support

Chris

Hi, Cody

This is the line from Bulgakov's "The Master and Margarita", one of my favorite books...

This line came back to recently, as I realised its meaning... Here's how I got to understand it:

I was unhappy most of my life, I was raised in the darkness, and my environment was all 'suppressive', depressive, violent, etc. Since 14 I was experiencing the so-called manic-depressive states, and unexpected fast and intense mood fluctuations. I could feel euphoric (reminding bliss a bit ), enthusiastic and purposeful, and the other moment sinking into complete darkness, total frustration, accompanied by suicidal tendencies. This was my life. I didn't want it, and I didn't want myself, I couldn't stand being with myself, and couldn't hide or run away for more than some brief distractions.

I was diagnosed with borderline disorder and put on medications for years (20-25, and then episodically till 27).

I went down to episodic treatment when I started spiritual practice (Kabbalah with me) and went of completely after starting doing yoga, changing my 'lifestyle', detoxing, etc etc

But the thing is that I found any spiritual system too strict and 'imposing', as I felt freedom to explore myself and stopping efforting to 'get where I was being directed' (like what I was supposed to do and feel) and find my own way somehow. But at the same time I felt I couldn't do it alone... then there was some period of searching and frustration, but eventually I found the way that was working for me.

It seems to me that our stories are a bit alike

My insight concerning my story:

Now, after ~4 clear years of 'spiritual' work I can see the irony: what these pills were doing is suppressing what I was suppressing already. This suppression led to the sudden and intense outbursts, like begging to be taken care of.

Also what made it SO unbearably hard were 2 things:

1. Looking at what's outside - both as a cause of what I was feeling and hoping that the rescue will come from out there.

2. Trying to make the things to be certain way and resisting what was happening. I tried to kill myself once when the bus didn't come on time and I got late for a train (imagine how at odds with the universe I felt).

So I get a feeling that these two might be also the sticks in your wheels?

It took me some time, but it's just amazing, the difference in how I feel now, when I don't need or expect anything, like to be happy or in bliss all the time (as far as I can see it is simply impossible) and when I am looking inside all the time, both as a cause and as a help.

Also it took a while to learn to keep to my center, accept what I feel as it is, not trying to change it, but also own it, not trying to blame or project it on anybody.

The path is not all nice and easy, and it is not supposed to be (in any spiritual teaching), just like trek in some jungle: it won't be fun if the destination will come on its own. So it's vital to accept it and learn to enjoy the 'going', with all the challenges, that make all this not so boring

Being lonely - I feel this one was also very important for me to 'master', to learn to be a friend to myself. Example: I took myself yesterday to the movies, and enjoyed soooo much. I can even tell: we enjoyed so much, it felt like it was me and me

I hug myself a lot too. Putting hands on the chest, on the heart area also work great for me, it's like a sign of compassion and acceptance towards myself...

So now...
"Not happiness, but peace".

This peace is the eye of the storm - no matter what is happening and what I feel, I don't try to change, I don't reject it, even if it's a total mess! I find peace within it, soften, find a clear and light place within it all and let this light to shine at whatever is going on, whatever I find inside me

With love <3
Yulia

Thank you so much for the love and support. It means a lot to me.

It takes a bit of time to integrate the messages. But today I understood how to be at a place of peace with all that I am feeling. Its like I hear the message, wether its on the forum, or through the mirror, or the voice within, and then I have to learn my way of integration.

My mom told me a story on the phone about the path that you choose. She said that you can climb through the mountains or take the paved path to a certain destination. Through the mountains are many challenges, slips and falls, and the paved path at the bottom is quite easy, one of the things missing on the lower path is the beautiful view. I see that view as awareness. I am definitely on the path of awareness, and I feel that many of us here are on the same path.

It seems not only are our life stories similar, but the way we are aware of them or have been aware of them.

I am definitely noticing a higher awareness. Its not exactly what I expected as I always associated higher awareness with infinite cosmic bliss from the yogic scripts. But the awareness is of the duality. The awareness is of the intensity of feeling and the "mirror". And the awareness is of the place of peace in-between. I also feel the awareness has room to expand (infinite room), and that it expands from the centre. And I also feel that we can be distracted from our awareness by things that do not serve us. And yes, as my awareness increases, centers, and expands I know that eventually I will merge with an infinite cosmic bliss (and maybe the centered expansion of peace is exactly what that bliss is, instead of an excited heart state), but the time right now is of a shift, and a waking up!

I went to a party last night, and have quit drinking, I was tempted to drink, as I could feel anxiety setting in strongly. I wanted to "loosen up", but I decided to explore that area and bring my awareness to the tightness. This anxiety continues today, and it is extremely strong, it seems the mirror is now showing me fear. I also noticed that people that were drunk, looked so unaware. I also went with a girl, and I felt anxious about that as well, and we talked late into the night at her place after the party. We both felt anxious, and we could have gotten physical to "ease" that anxiety, but we didn't. We ended up talking about things about relationships between men and women that bring up emotions, and love, and jealousy, and fear. We also talked about our childhood. I felt that we were both very "aware". It gave me anxiety even as I left that we didn't get physical, and I wonder if getting physical with a girl right away is a distraction (as it quickly eases the anxiety like alcohol, except it lasts longer).

Sexuality is a very powerful force, and I am not sure if I am suppressing it. Excuse me for being open, but I am not sure if I should be ejaculating or not (from all the brahmacharya stuff that I have read). I do know that holding it in increases the fire within, but is there a balance needed? If this is too explicit I can edit this part, lol.

Cody

For me anxiety is a 'tool' to kick us out of the center. It is a mass 'state'. Most people are anxious most of the day, varying in the intensity of this anxiety and in mechanisms triggering this state. It causes 'fleeing' out of the body, 'loosing ground'.

For me it was very important to learn to relax, calm down, get back into the body by breathing, connecting to the earth, feeling the body, and take the place of the observer. It took some time, until this anxiety decayed and became really rare state. Then it's just mind noise, and it becomes really subtle.

Also I found with time, that there are certain places and environments, that are triggering this state of anxiety, usually very dense and noisy. And then I began to question whether I should be there. On the other hand, it is triggered on the weak spots, where I am programmed/conditioned/attached, etc. So it can be also a marker. When the weak spot is seen, usually it is accompanied by some level of kicking out of the center. But then it's good to learn to recover and process whatever was seen/found.

So I would say it is really up to you to feel out what is needed to be done, and just watch the effect of the choices and align better and better each time. Anyway, this is what I did and keep doing

About your question, I am not man, so I can't answer it in a way it was put Maybe somebody else could give you some answer with this one. But this is definitely an important aspect of the evolution. What I found, and this is my personal experience, that with the vibration increase, it becomes less and less possible to have sex in a 'conventional' way, as it feels very dense and highly disrupting the balance in the system. Moreover, even such thing as flirting can be rather pulling out of the center.

It is not sex itself, but the way it is perceived and 'performed', which make it, in my view, misaligning. But again, this is my feeling and experience about it.

What I see, is that many, actually, most of evolving people take some time out. And also I can see that their understanding of sexuality changes drastically, just as all the rest.

So, again, it is, like anything else, something to just feel out, maybe experiment, see the effect and ask for guidance. I am sure, that the answer will land

And also I learned not to be so anxious about doing things right. It is more of playing with things and seeing what's going on. I have this funny label on a pillow, it's written RELAX there, and somehow this label is also in front of my face when it is most relevant.

RELAX heeheehee

Hi Cody,

In terms of sexuality within evolution, this can be a profoundly deep exploration in human form. And of course it has become much maligned within society and therefore very distorting (and limiting). Personally I believe that's why it's so important to explore our internal relationship to our sexuality either with or without a partner.

Much has been spoken about male ejaculation with regards to the evolutionary process, and my observation is there's much misunderstanding and only partial higher awareness currently within the group consciousness.

So for example, I've heard quite prominent eastern monks speaking of the importance of not ejaculating in order to preserve ones energy. I observe this is only a partial truth.

If one is at the stage where there is only partial 'control' of ones energy, then yes, to physically release is to release that energy - ones ki dissipates with the sexual juices.

But that doesn't mean to stop having sex or to suppress ones feelings or energy through denial. This is of course very limiting, not only because sex can be so powerful in the evolutionary process, but also because denial builds identity which takes one away from the true experience of Enlightenment... to be fully enlightened is to be enlightened through ALL experiences.

So if you observe your energy dissipating through release and you feel drained by it (even in a pleasant way), then the practice of sexual tantra becomes important. In this instance, to feel the build up of energy without releasing - and most importantly, still enjoying the whole exploration.

As attunement to ones energy increases through this practice, then it becomes possible to have the sensations of physical orgasm without actually physically ejaculating. In this way, the energy begins to build quite strongly. It becomes a catalyst for non-attachment to the physical world - to be able to be increasingly in this world but not of this world.

To me this is really what tantra is all about - sex can be a route to the mastery of tantra, but most importantly, divine sexual union in itself is not tantra. In my observation, this is being much misunderstood within the group consciousness. To me, tantra is more about being on the blade edge of physicality - being in it but not 'owned', limited or defined by it. Sex can be a very effective path to tantra, as we begin to explore the deeper significance of it through increased awareness.

Then there is another more advanced stage of tantra through sexual exploration, where ejaculation actually inspires powerful evolutionary upliftment into higher dimensional experiences.

At the point where we have a great deal of mastery over our own energetic field, then at ejaculation, physical release can happen, but the energy itself is retained internally (through mastery of awareness) and the physical impulses applied to send the energy shooting strongly up the spine and into the third eye. It feels like being propelled into the heavens like a rocket!

If this is enjoyed with an evolved partner in divine union, then it can lift both simultaneously. You end up dancing in the heavens together. And if alone in a physical sense, you can end up dancing in the heavens together with your twin flame, which to me, is the peak experience of life itself. I believe this is ultimately what each soul is yearning for in the evolutionary process.

To conclude, sexual expression can point strongly to the full beauty of human experience. A complete exploration of physicality makes life so real. Yet the paradox is, that the more 'real' it becomes, the more disconnected from divine union we ourselves can become. We so easily loose ourselves in the illusion of separation.

Yet being in human form has the possibility to generate the most powerful internal experiences. If we can work to be non attached in those experiences - which means not to deny them either - then the building energy can reunite 'earth and heaven' in the most sublime way.

Furthermore, we can shape all manner of experiences in the surrounding field through the build up of such energy. It becomes a powerful catalyst for change - something I'd say humanity really needs right now.

Chris

Hi Cody,

I really admire your honesty in your postings and can relate to many of your experiences.
I have also questioned and explored a lot around male orgasm and sexual energy.
The questions came for me, because of the unpleasant feelings I had in the lower part of my body and genitals after orgasm.
Why would I feel this after something so natural??
At the time I was also exploring spirituality, so the explorations went hand in hand.
I began to watch closely the feelings in my body and motivations around sex.
What I observed was that whether I was on my own or with a partner, there was a tendency to get lost in the physical and emotional aspects of making love. This seemed to over stimulate the lower energy points in my body, (where the lower three chakras are) and in turn squeeze the sexual energy out of my body through orgasm.
I could see that this was not a natural expression, but an addictive, needy one.

Things began to change for me, when I started bringing more awareness to my heart and opening a connection there, whilst engaged with sexual energy. This diverted some of the steam from the run away train of over physical and fantasy stimulation, which inevitably led to orgasm.
At first I had some denial around the physical aspect, but what I am learning now, is the balance between the physical and energetic experience. This opened up a whole other dimension for me, and I am now to beginning to understand true divine union. I still have much to learn, and don't suppress if I feel to release, but it is no longer about that.

David

Excellent reading about that, i understand what it means to me a little more now. Thank you everyone posting so far for your input it's all very helpful.

I haven't had the Internet for a while, so I'm not able to post as much. Nor have I been able to distract myself with the Internet or movies...

what I noticed was that with the breaking off of a relationship, my heart became fearful and black, and I didn't want to be alone. The sexual energy is no longer there because of this. It made me realise that i no longer enjoyed myself, i was looking outside. Plus i felt a crappy feeling toward women and sex "oh I'm just going to lose myself again"

I went through some incredibly deep pain over the weekend, like I have never felt before. It was so intense I became afraid of it. I decided to take a break for a day and ignore it. I felt a little bit better but it came up again the next morning. it started with intense anxiety.

Now I'm in this strange state, where I don't really know how to explain it. Im not sure if I'm in pain or at peace.

I don't quite understand everything that is going on within me, I felt like I went into the thick of the sorrow and didn't learn anything from it. But i feel a little more peace now and im not exactly sure why. Then some occasional anxiety comes up from trying to hold on. part of me is so exhausted from the pain and anxiety.

Its funny I'm afraid to feel pain, and I'm afraid to feel peace because it may only be for a moment and the pain comes again.

That quote from the oriah mountain dreamer helped me a lot, a lot.

Thanks everyone.

Ok I just gotta add to that last bit. I feel sad and happy at the same time, so it's strange. And I actually did learn a lot.

I was talking with a friend about the shift that's going on right now, and we called it "open heart surgery".

I really empathise with you Cody. It's great that you can keep openly exploring your feelings and being honest with yourself.

One of the most important realisations in my awakened life happened as I truly began to walk the path...

"At the heart of every distorted behaviour,
is a hidden gift of beingness.
If you can accept exactly what is going on for you,
without needing to change it and don't blame yourself,
but hold and keep exploring the feeling,
then ultimately you'll access the gift of beingness
at the core of the distortion
and the blockage can then be dissolved."

So let's take a look a little deeper into this. You said...

what I noticed was that with the breaking off of a relationship, my heart became fearful and black, and I didn't want to be alone. The sexual energy is no longer there because of this. It made me realise that i no longer enjoyed myself, i was looking outside. Plus i felt a crappy feeling toward women and sex "oh I'm just going to lose myself again"

I get the sense this is all about the invitation to connect with your Twin Flame - having lost that sense of completeness within intimate physical realtionships. Allow me to explain...

To me, upon incarnation the soul notionally divides into two - two connected nodes really. One incarnates and the other stays close to the source acting kind of like a 'homing beacon' providing the magnetism guiding us home.

For me life is all about knowing ourselves as pure presence, in and through all things. It's a non experience really which is mirrored in the phenomenal universe as the sense of unity - 'uniting love'. Balanced harmony.

To truly know this presence, is to fully experience it through this 'uniting love'. But to be 'reunited' in this way, there must first be the sense of separation and identification with the separation.

So we might feel the sense of uniting love and then experience that through loving intimacy with a partner. What next happens (until the soul is fully reunited and complete), is a degree of loosing oneself within the physical (intimate) relationship.

It can so often be a bitter sweet experience because the original impulse is so lovely and pure, and yet the full expression of that can then lead to identification with the object of our desire.

It's like our wanting - our lustfulness - strangles the very essence from the original feeling. And that becomes dark and painful.

The yearning at the core of this experience is the yearning to be reunited with ones Twin Flame. Ultimately, to me, that is the inner experience and expression of the pinnacle of the souls evolution.

It is to be able to be in physical incarnation, totally surrendered to it, yet always finding your own self. There's no expectation or need of any partner to fulfill something. There's no pain of identification because we send out the energy, but then 'draw' it back again by recognising our own internal reflection - our Twin Flame.

So I'd say a connection with your Twin Flame - the other part of you - is being invited, in order to dissolve the pain of identification with sexual intimacy. In other words, over identification - lustfullness - within physical relationship.

Chris

Wow Chris, that hit home. Honestly, thank you.

I feel like sharing some 'crazy' experiences that kept repeating themselves in my life.

I would feel attraction to many people simultaneously and then frustration about being unable to actually 'go all the way with it'. It would drive me crazy! Imagine: in one day I could feel really strong impulse towards up to 10 people.

So I would suppress all that and feel really embarrassed and bad with myself.

It's only when I've read about twin flame and its reflections (or in other words my own reflections) that I could understand the nature of this 'phenomena'.

Also then I could really feel that it is the same feeling with animals and objects, trees, etc I just got confused because it were men and I thought that there is something to do (like in the movies ).

Also it can be very distorted, and I am at the moment working with the 'dark side' of it, exploring how thin is that line between the dense and distorted 'experience' of this attraction (the attractive force towards the twin flame) and the light and pure one. Really thin line...

I had a really tough 'combat training' concerning the whole sexual thing during recent 10 years and still learning, discovering more stuff, processing, etc etc

But I can remember the important stages :

-------

I felt horrible after having 'sexy time', and now after reading David's comment I can really say that it was it. On the female part, on my part, it was the concentration of the energy in the lower chakras (the base and sacral ones) and then drastic lowering of vibration in those centres due to the way it was done.

The upper chakras were deprived from both energy and awareness (attention) and then this dense energy would begin to circulate and 'pollute' the whole system.

Therefore I would get the 'side-effects' of the denseness in all chakras (part of them are described in the 5 gateways book).

After years if fighting and desperately trying to understand what's going on, at some point I withdrew from any sexual interaction, and this is when I started to work with the energy itself.

------------

Then I would feel some sexual energy building itself and working with it by allowing it to move wherever it wants to move, and not trying to hold it in the lower chakras, where I thought it was belong. So after a while I found that this energy is nourishing, uplifting and acts like a fuel, if it is not held or projected onto an object and not being pushed to be manifested on the physical and/or emotional plane.

--------

And then I was brought to read some tantric material, and began to navigate the energy in a more conscious way, like allowing it to move up along the spine and spread in the upper chakras.

After a while it would just spread and fill my whole field and lift up above the crown. Then I got to meet my twin flame

---------

Another important effect I have noticed is that many times there is some external mirror presenting itself, which is really helpful, uplifting and inspiring. It is important not to get lost in this mirror - not to see a person as a reason of the sensations and also not to try to project what I feel (it is different from expression), but to be aware that this is the twin flame reflection and then the energetic dynamics is very different. And I can really feel the difference when I am getting lost and lowering the vibration.

So what helps me is to remind myself that all this is me: I interact with the world, experience things and then turn the arrow back towards myself, into myself.

It works with everything, darkness, lightness, sexual energies, etc

-------------

At the moment I feel there is a lot of suppression of these energies is going on with me, some related things to process and frustration building itself - a good sign of possible disbalance, misalignment and some suppression or denial going on. So I feel that this whole discussion is a pointer for me to look at it.

Thanks everybody involved.

Yes Yulia I've experienced a lot of what you have experienced. The answer is so clear that I am to find the twin flame within myself. That gives me some comfort in this difficult time. When I come closer and closer the suppression becomes a beautiful expression. that I know but right now am learning how to experience.

I've realized the universe is very powerful for setting things up with a magical synchronization. Like the way the relationship will start, and end. Like how a large number of things come together for it to happen, and the same for the ending. Or how some relationships go nowhere when you really want it to, but that's still somewhere, because as Chris mentioned it's an invitation to look within.

My job right now is building a recording studio. It's funny right now we are doing demolition and I don't want to do it it's difficult (it reminds me of what's happening within, I am deconstructing the identification, and it's holding on so tough, just like the foam i was prying off of wood today)It's not exactly easy but it must be done in order to build.

Yes I can't wait to actually build! To create. And we will see if the same thing happens within, building a relationship with my twin flame...

All in all, the deconstruction is part of the creation.

Much love,
Cody

This morning when I awoke, I was aware and felt completely empty. Not void of thought or feeling, but unfulfilled. It was the feeling that, I have never been fulfilled, I am not fulfilled now, and the fear that I will never be fulfilled. This is the greatest fear for me, that I will never be fulfilled, which is my souls longing. And the feeling of being unfulfilled is the greatest sorrow of all. Its like this feeling spread across earthly space and time. It was very intense. Now I am just sad because of this, the feeling and the fear.

Can you accept being unfulfilled and not need to change it?

I encountered this very issue once. I realised it happens when someone has a strong 'ray 1 aspect' to their soul - the yearning for higher evolutionary growth and ever more evolved experience.

I was running in circles with this one for a while and so I asked the universe "show me". When we do this, we're always answered.

My answer came in the title of a U2 song... "I still haven't found what I'm looking for". Then I got... to always be in the place of not having found what you're looking for, is exactly what you're looking for!

It's that place of dynamism, which is continually shaping and changing - no ultimate objective, no destination to reach, YET AT THE SAME TIME, plateaus attained beyond which to move.

To me this is a key innate aspect of the soul. It's just that right now, you ego doesn't like it very much. So stay with it, feel it, explore it, don't need it to go away. Then you'll be able to unwind it.

Chris

Thank you Chris, your message is doubled by what a lot of other people and movies have been telling me: "stop searching".

I was given the rest of the week off of work. I have been given an opportunity to enter this.

Cody

I think you slightly misunderstood me Cody - it's where the grey spot is.

I'm saying "do keep searching". I'm saying never stop, because the soul won't ever stop. But I'm also saying work to let go of being attached to the continual exploration.

Chris

Actually, I was thinking about my reply to you yesterday, and it didn't quite add up. And in a sense, I would be "stopping the searching" still in order to find something, ahahaha.

Its more so being okay with being unfulfilled, which would in essence dissolve the attachment of fulfillment, and therefor allow me receive it with an open hand?

I have been trying to figure out how to let go of attachments, it seems no matter how much I read on it I can't quite figure out how to truly let go. But I guess its being okay with the karma and attachment that will allow us to let go. Being okay with the shadow.

Dear Cody,

i'm feeling to write in reply to your contemplation on how to be "okay" with... What helps me most is to actually, really feel it. Whatever the attachment, desire, need would be. Draw out of the shape of the external and more and more dive into how i am feeling within it.

That to me is what being okay with it is all about. And before long movement will appear from that space of resting in the experience.

Hugs,
A

ps.: Something else is coming
opening the chest, dropping with awareness into the heart area and feeling it, making it ever more permeable to the "outside". And in "Chris' words":
all the while softening, letting go!

Yea, I think one thing Im noticing is:

My mind will see something. It will react. I will then get a feeling, and then my mind will react to that feeling but the feeling will remain. And sometimes the mind will intensify the feeling with a certain thought about the feeling or change the feeling, or it will push the feeling away (only to have it come again through another thought).

Or sometimes the thought disappears and the feeling remains. Or sometimes I will be in this mode of thinking positive (without forcing it) and the feelings are gentle love feelings, but the dark side will come up again.

Im starting to become quite aware of how the mind can affect feeling, and how the feeling can affect mind. Not to sure what to do about the mind in the situation as it seems to affect how I am feeling.

Thanks Alex and Chris.

Actually, yea its okay now. Not that I am enlightened or anything, but this feeling of love I have right now, its just okay.

It is really funny to see how we are running like a squirrel in a wheel after our own tails.

And what's even more funny is how normal it is. It seems like this is an essential part of the process. And if you are still not laughing, then what is even more funny, is that, according to the sharings of those who got 'there', what you find IS your own 'tail' in the end. Hahaaa!

So we are running after ourselves, but also, at the same time, we are running away from ourselves, because there is still some degree of inacceptance of ourselves as we are.

This is both ridiculous and so hard: all that is needed to find the tail is stop running after and from it.

So for me these days the key word is "accept". Thanks Trin for dropping the coin

The only thing left to say that acceptance is not "everything goes". The acceptance is not the goal, not the purpose, but means to see beyond the current state, the current plateau.

By fully and truly accepting it and stepping on it without fears, doubts, avoidance, rejection, judgment, etc, then we're lifted to the point where we can now feel the next plateau.

So I join Alexej - feeling it more and more, until feeling it fully, which is happening through full acceptance of what is happening, whatever it is (including the mind race), and diving into it, while keeping the purposeful element - to find who I am in this.

Sounds contradictory, but it is actually complementary.

-------------

And about the mind: Part of what is happening to me now is this constant noise on the mental plane, affecting the emotional states. Two things help me to clear it:

1. Accepting it and not fighting, just watching and seeing that it's not me, it doesn't define me. This way it actually helps me to restore the presence. Each time I become aware I am in the midst of the noise - I center and restore the presence.

2. I use the tip Chris shared in my own way. Instead of visualizing the filtering net above me, which would filter everything that is not my own light, I attune to the light, spot it amongst all the rest and then let it spread above me, forming some sort of shield. Then all I have above me is my own light.

It somehow directly affects the mind chatter, followed by shifts in emotional states, and clears the mess...

Until I forget

Okay this is funny. I have been in such a deep state of sadness, strong emotions, negativity, fear, panic, anxiety, pretty much everything "bad". For the past 3 weeks. With only 1 rare heart explosion in between that lasted a few hours.

Just lately, out of nowhere, I started feeling positive thoughts. And Im like, " oh, I haven't reached enlightenment yet, so I shouldn't be thinking positive". Im also thinking, "oh I should stay in the lowest negative until I reach an instant state of pure bliss that lasts forever".

Im not sure if the positive thoughts are building the ego or not. Im not sure where they are coming from. I know they are coming from inside, because nothing on the outside was making me happy anymore. They come from the inside, but what the heck!!!! WHere!?!?!

Some of the thoughts are like, yes you can dream wonderful things. Yes you can have confidence. Yes you are beautiful. Yes you are powerful. Yes, life can be fun.

I can feel something from these thoughts as well. There is a small excitement, and there is also a bit of joy. Sometimes a feeling of peace comes as well. And sometimes I will think of love, and feel it in my heart. Or feel a peace and love in my heart just there (very tiny).

Its not all the time, I still get things from the past coming up time to time that put me back, but whatever it is thats getting me through it, its growing.

Also another thing I was noticing was that a few moments I noticed that it was like I wasn't thinking about anything at all. But I can't describe it as being present, it almost felt like I wasn't there at all (even though I knew I was and could respond and act). Then I would snap out of it, and back into the mind and realize my mind was inactive. And it felt good because I had been thinking a lot of bad things prior to that experience.

This is all funny cause something in me wants to fight the positivity. So strange. I know to let it happen though.

Peace,
Cody