The nature of family
Last year was a year when a lot of things began to move for me (spiritually 
). I seemed to get some strong incites - in some cases during, often just after an Openhand course - without my actively seeking them. One strong area was my relationship to family.
Recently a friend and I were talking about families and he said to me, 'if you are adopted' (as I am), 'then your mother's relationship with you and your brother cannot be the same as with a birth mother'. My initial reaction was defensive as I believe my adoptive mother is totally committed to me and my brother, and I felt it was a criticism of her. Then a little while later when visiting my mother she actually said the same thing. I had not prompted this, but she said she supposed there was something that is different when you have actually given birth to a child.
I have had feelings of rejection since my childhood, despite being fortunate enough to have been adopted by someone who chose to have me. I was very young when I was adopted so knew no other family. My adoptive father left when I was young, having shown no interest in his children. So on one level I never had anything to lose when he went, but again there is a sense of loss.
What prompted me to write this was I read an article this week about a TV news reporter who revealed his father was a famous BBC news presenter from the 1970's. He had been aware that this man was his father. He had not met him and did not have a desire to when he was younger. His mother and father have since died, so he felt it was okay to tell his stiory, but he did say that now he was older he did feel some sense of rejection. Then today I was driving to visit my mother and a story on the radio reported that someone who had been on the radio show an number of times had taken his own life at 38. Someone who knew him said that as a child his mother had not been able to cope with him, and he was put into care. He decended into a life of petty crime and drugs, but had managed to get him self back on track about twelve years ago. His friend said he had felt rejection throughout his life.
I wonder why this is a common pattern and seems to have such a marked effect? I don't feel like a victim, and see that many people within 'conventional' families have had a lot tougher time than me, but there is something within that as a child you are not able to understand, but as an adult can see how these things have shaped you. Through the Openhand work, and meditation I seem to be getting to the root of these feelings after years of shutting them out, but I do wonder about the question of nuture, nature and where these things fit into the journey to self realisation?
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Rejection and abandonment
Yes indeed, rejection is a big one which I feel we must all confront and overcome. Why so?
Whenever I encounter a disharmony within myself and others - a distortion - I always observe there is a truth in it. That's because everything must arise from the source - from the absolute. And at least in the beginning, all human experience must originate in the soul - without a soul we simply could not live.
If we can find the truth, it helps us understand why we feel what we feel and then to peel away the distortions that cause us to own the experience - it is the 'holding-on' that creates the problems.
I would say to trace the route cause of your rejection, we have to go right back to the sense of absoluteness. So absoluteness came into expression at the beginning of the universe. Pure presence separated out into flows of consciousness - an inevitable event given infinite time and probability.
From the one, was created the many. Yet of course the many are really just the one, appearing as the many. We first identify with separated ego and then afterwards, when we discover the illusion of separation and instead embrace our interconnectedness, there is a tendency to identify with an apparently separated soul. We will develop many wonderful relationships with other souls. But at some point, a realisation dawns, there is no 'me' and 'you' at all. There is only oneness - one being.
When this realisation drops within the soul, a sense of abandonment can ensue. This is exactly what happened for me. I'd been awoken by an awesomely benevolent presence that helped me tirelessly on my journey, but then simply vanished into the ether! This was a hard teaching. Especially since the presence had been my only real station of solace in a world - which up to that point - had been very confusing and unforgiving indeed.
The realisation dawned that we are all alone in this vast universe. Because there is only one of us! It can feel like being rejected. So at the soul level, we need to come to terms with that. When I did, the presence miraculously reappeared.
In order to come to terms with it, I believe we need to accept our completeness beyond all separate identity, which may help us delve deeper into the painful memories of the past - to delve deep, dig out the energy, experience it fully again, yet know our completeness through it all. I would say this is the path you're embarked upon. Maybe in a past life you made this realisation that we really are alone and that was very unpalletable at the time? Maybe you carried that into this lifetime?
Whatever, it really feels like you're beginning to bring it out into the light and heal the pain. That's really marvelous!
Much love and empathy
Chris
Steady on the path
Chris, thank you so much for your comments. What you say makes such sense to me.
I feel positive that the scales are dropping from my eyes, and that however tough that can be, it is immeasurably preferable to living in the shadows, avoiding the truth. This is where is see that there is strength in vulnerability and what that shows us.
I still stumble along finding my way, but when my foot lands firm, then it is wonderful. Love and light,
Mark
Who we really are?
Hi Kit,
Once we begin to consciously touch Unity Consciousness we realise that we are all connected and can never be alone.
To me we only feel alone if we are not a fully realised being (i.e. we haven't found complete and wholeness within). When we have fully found ourselves we don't need others outside of ourselves to fill in the missing pieces anymore. Aloneness comes from expecting others around us to make us feel that which we lack inside. We might gain approval, trust or lovability from others, but unless we find it first within ourselves, then it is a temporary reflection. It is simply a mirror that invites us to find the same within ourselves.
The only way is to become fully self realised and realise our true nature of wholeness.
Ultimately the longing we feel within our Soul is to remember who we truly are or to realise ourselves as the Absolute. Until then feeling alone is a normal part of being human in such a fragmented world.
Love
Trinity
Hitting the nail on the head
Hi Trinity, what you say is spot on. I spent so many years doing exactly that, seeking others approval for who I am, bacause I did not value myself. Work in progress, but I am getting there. I still find myself looking outside for answers, but then remind myself I need to look inside.
Thankyou, love,
Mark
You are welcome :0)
It's a pleasure Mark.
x
Yeah, family!
I'm crying reading these... It just hits me on the weak spot... :'(
After years of therapies, tears, realisations, such hard work on my own... I thought I made my peace with my childhood, grey, dark, frustrating, tough, lonely, full of hatred, physical and mental abuse...
My mom never protected us (me and my sister) from seeing the 'adult world', so I was introduced to just so many things, undigestibly sad, so cruel, that I mainly, practically had very little childhood when I was a child. All the rest was mainly a horror movie, with some highlights, when my mom met someone new and was happy for a while (even though we were pretty abandoned when it happened) or when she had some moments of peace and didn't get her frustration and anger out at us.
At some point a couple of years ago, I finally understood her, I could see this was not her fault, the way she felt, and her life was a pure horror, so how could she give us anything else? Anyway...
I thought I got rid of the grudge, forgave her... and I thought I'm strong enough now to deal with her mockery, disbelief, pressure, trying to control, to supress, to make me just see the reality the way she sees it - all dark and sickening..and so many things...
Just to discover yesterday...oh my God, it all is still there! I was crying and crying... and I felt, ok, here we go again, through all this again, but this time 'for real'...
and today I read this..."...I believe we need to accept our completeness beyond all separate identity, which may help us delve deeper into the painful memories of the past - to delve deep, dig out the energy, experience it fully again, yet know our completeness through it all."
I could see how all these, the suppression, the fear, the freak-control, disbelief, lack of love and safety, terror, just to name a few, the list is infiniiiite! :'( ...all of these things that came from my mom, they are there, in me, I now do all this to myself. How creepy!
Abandonement is also one of the toughest issues for me, maybe now much less, but in past it was one of my biggest horrors - abandonement anxiety. My mom was all the time threatening to leave us, and later, after I reached 13, she was repeatedly throwing me out to the street, I slept many times on benches with blankets my friends brought me from their homes. And also we were abandoned by our father and after years of thinking I didn't have any issues with this one, only this year I found how it hugely affected my realationships with men, like I was destroying them,
sabotaging, testing, and even leaving before they could...
Also all my childhood was accompanied by a sense of guilt. Like my mom was telling us we are crocodiles
, and that we make her life unbearable, that she'll throw us away to garbage 
(yeah, now it's funny), wished death to us, condemned us repeatedly time after time... It even got to the point, when I was 14, when I got up the roof, 9th floor, after drinking all the alcohol and pills we had, and stood there on the edge of the roof, with fingers already in the air... only because I felt guilty after a long monologue how horrible daughter I am!
Very dramatic!
But I think now, maybe I brought it upon myself because of this general guilt I have?
All this was familyyyyy for me!!! hee hee hee 'Cheeses'!!!
But! I'm blessed! and being clearly helped, so I know I'm going to make it! Yeahhhh!!!
Also at the moment I actually experience a great childhood, when I'm 30 years old!
I have so much fun!!!!
And I'm not afraid at all!! Maybe just a little
I have now this vision of small weak light inside, covered with this smoggy web, and then...larger, larger, stronger, stronger...breaking through everything that is preventitng it from shining in its full power and beauty, without even a need to break the web, get rid of it, or fight it, just shine and shine until the web can't be seen anymore, disapearing in this big bright cloud...
Ah! All the beauty we have there...all this power...I cry again...of happiness :')
...
Just a small question: In general, did I bring all of this upon myself to create now this 'web' in me so I can work with it, with external mirrors? What I mean to ask humbly is whether chidhood and all the rest of experiences are my own creations?
Love love love...and...love to everybody!!!
The thought fo the day is answering...
save...scroll up..and see this:
"In the movie of life, each of us is like the projector. Experiences on the outside are created from what we are being on the inside."
I guess I got the answer...
Resistances
I wanted to ask a simple question regarding feeling so much incredible resistance towards family and whether it is perhaps better to go with what a person is truly feeling or to try to overcome it by confronting the darkness, false presumptions and judgemnets people have and make it happen- so it dissolves into smitherines, or to accept that we can not change people, only ourselves and to quietly listen more to what is happening in the body. To put it into an example- I was feeling a tremendous resistance towards going to a family type of party kind of thing where I had not seen nor really know many of the poeple that would be there. I thought initially yehr, I'll go, since I don't feel anything....just a blank canvass....then I did not sleep well that night, had a terrific tension headache anmd lower back pain and oversensitive towards the energies in the house where I stayed, picking up quite negative energies and feeling the pain from the previous people who lived in the house at a deeper level, where I can literally smell,hear these people, feel their remaining energetic resin and feel some pain of the person who previously lived in the house on the other side......So, feeling drained the next day energetically and some negative energy which was not my own, at all.....I started feeling a negativity towards being social. The kind of feeling that you have when you can not get out of bed, of feeling that your body is trapping you, stopping you from moving, a kind of stuck energy, that I use to have a lot around someone (but not anymore). And then I started feeling sensitive to false judgments, picking up thought modes (not imaginary!!),and asked myself- Do I rally want this, to put myself around these people, who don't know me, or really care to and yet have ideas or be put in a situation with another person whom might try to kick me out of my comfort zone to get one over me...?? What's the best thing in openhands view, walk away, listen and honour your own body and what the body and feelings are saying and go with the stuckness, maybe it was there for a reason i.e to protect, to warn and to ward off!!! Or to go with it, no matter how tired and drained energetically which can also make a person not completely ijn their own energy......My feeling is there are messages all araound and the universe tries to get through to us in all kinds of ways. And pretending to be polite or trying to be, when energetically you feel you are reacting in quite an energetically fighting way to the thought waves of others goes contrary to what is truly happening.... So what do you do, go with it -be told that you are being utterly selfish when infact it has nothing to do with me. I just energetically feel so strongly like I want to disconnect. Surely it is there for a reason, telling me something that I already know...... I like the idea of a blank canvass, of starting all over again and of being who I truly am and having the space to show myself as I really am....And,I think I feel worth a whole lot more than the smaller minds of being made to feel I am something I am not. I just want to be and certainly don't want to try to be anything or one!! WE should be able to choose our company, shouldn 't we, and not feel bad about listening to ourself without being made to feel selfish and the manipulations that people try,to use with it. So, go with what we feel to be, or peel away the layers, step outside ourelves even when we may be tired and go with it??? What is Openhands view?
Walking the Path
Hi Teresa,
Yes challenging and conflicting impulses indeed! It's exactly the reason we felt to introduce the 'spiritual compass', that we're calling openway
At the end of the day, there's only really one source that can of course answer the questions - ones own soul. But there are clearly some reflections that Openhand can offer. I'd say there are lots of messages to take from this.
Firstly as lightworkers, we're frequently going to be taken into dense energetic environments just as you describe. This weekend we've been working in Budapest and staying in an apartment block where you can feel everyone's energy, in a dozen flats, stacked on top of one another - plus the Wifi (a dozen different channels), not to mention the karmic pain that scrambles the head like non stop white noise. I too find it hard to sleep in such environments and frequently in the mornings I awaken like some punch drunk boxer!
But through surrender I have learned how to work with these energies. If I can't sleep, I don't sleep. Instead I'll lie in the darkness and simply soften into the energies. I feel the conflicting frequencies but instead stay attuned to my field and feel it flow through me. Such practice can be powerfully instructive and unfolding.
In the morning, I'll spend time shaking off any remaining dense energies - it could be with meditation in movement (I use Openhand's soulmotion) or a walk connecting to nature, a morning shower meditation, anything to move and break up the energy - to reinvigorate. I'd say we're all being invited to find out what really works for us.
But beyond discovering how to process such denser energy, we also need to figure out when it does or doesn't serve to be in those environments at all. Yes family is a tricky one. We may feel a sense of compassion to stay connected. Yet I also know that one of the most challenging 'lessons' of this incarnation, is to accept humanity's 'parting of the waves'. Some people - many - are not ready willing or able to follow the path into the higher paradigm. At some point, we need to accept that and stop trying to change people - it can be very depleting and counterproductive.
So many lightworkers are challenged to find where to draw the line. Where does an attached sense of responsibility prevent us following our heart and not going into that environment? Where does guilt come into it? ("why should I be one of those to find 'salvation'?"). To me there is no rhyme nor reason. Some are ready some are not. I've learned to accept that and if needs be, when Right Action calls it, I simply walk away.
But the only way to know where to drawn the line for you, is to go into the heart of any environment where we might tighten and get attached - to work with that energy until the attachment dissolves. Then next time, we simply have to ask "does this serve me any more?" If it no longer does, if there's nothing more for you to learn, then it's time to move on. To me, accepting and working with exactly these kinds of grey areas in ones life, it what it truly means to be "Walking the Path".
Chris
speaking of the dense city
Since it is coming up here i'm going to ask a question i'm carrying with me a lot:
what do you friends (still) living in (big) cities find to help holding a "high" energy?
Especially in your own flats and houses?
I'm finding somethings that do help but would be grateful for any tips that help you!
Thank you!
Alexej
My tricks
Inside:
This is what I feel works for me
1. Minimalism. I find that somehow stuff makes it denser. So I place minimum objects and leave a lot of clear open space.
And also I follow intuition when arranging the stuff in the room, so I feel it is all balanced. (Each time I find I need less and less, but still feel like I have too much stuff)
2. Cleanliness and tidiness
- definitely clear the energy.
3. Eco-friendly cleaning substances. At some point I could really feel the difference, and since then - no chemicals...
4. Plants and flowers
5. Fresh air. I don't care to be cold, but always leave some open slit for the air to get in. Also I have some tendency not to use jalousie or blinds (it's not so common here in Israel). It makes me feel more open myself.
7. Candles (mais bien sur
)
8. Natural materials around (like furniture, fabrics), etc
9. I use Lesley's method with blowing, it's amazing.
10. The energy also depends a lot on what activity is going on in the area. For example, the energy in a room, where I do yoga and meditate is very different from kitchen. Bringing presence wherever I go is raising the vibration of that place.
11. And also it depends on the inhabitants and visitors. Living area becomes my space. That's why I became really not hospitable and highly selective (without tightness around it, but rather disciplined). There is a really small number of people who I feel like letting to get into my space.
12. Mixing the energies. It feels to me that it is good that every person has a space of his own in a house/apartment (even if it's just some special corner or armchair). The energy there becomes the most suitable for this person, and he can feel comfortable, safe and relaxed there...
13. Mirrors - I feel that they somehow have some effect, so I feel like having minimum of my reflections around.
14. Electro-noise and wi-fi. Well, electricity - unplugging anything I don't use, turning the light off when I am leaving the room, etc. I keep my laptop plugged in and don't use wi-fi at all.
15. Clock. I don't have one
It has some weird effect. So if I really need, I look in the computer or on the phone. But with time, I somehow found that I stopped being late after actually stopping looking at the time 
------------------
Outside:
I am back to a rather noisy place, after silent and still Binyamina...So I went back to some old tricks:
1. Music can really make a difference when I am walking some noisy street, or in some 'dense' environment, like university. I just put my earphones on...
2. Waking up early - when the city is still asleep. Then I can have a couple of calm hours. So I walk either really early (5-6 am) or late (21-22), when it is relatively silent.
3. Breathing - helps to restore the center, sighing to release the tension.
4. Grounding. The noise and 'stress in the air' cause to flee from the body, so I have developed some techniques to ground on the way. It can be just bringing attention to the body/feet/base, closing eyes and relaxing, connecting to Earth, taking a couple of minutes to walk on the grass, possibly barefoot, warm cup of tea... etc
5. Stretching. I kind of lost my shyness and stretch wherever and whenever I feel. Sometimes it is accompanied by some mmmmmmmmmmmmm ah!
6. 'Occupied'. For me restroom cabin can be a really rescue island when I feel too stirred up by people all around. So spending some time standing there can be of a great help.
You can laugh... haha, but if you try it, you'll know what I mean 
Thank-you
Thank you Chris for your guidance light .Family is tricky as you say, especially when you have children who should not get caught in the middle of any of ''our stuff''. Well he has the liberty to choose what he feels to do!
For me, there is a shift in being in situations where I am feeling more relaxed to be okay with whatever I am feeling and not trying to be anything, in otherwords a greater self acceptance. I guess if energy is thickening and bringing us into a place of no movement- then yes we can only but go with it.Not to would feel unnatural. Yet we often feel obliged in family type situations.
AS for these denser energies, I also can only but surrender into it all, sometimes feeliing the anger of fighting for my space....Something extraordinary happened to me which has not before was that I actually saw with my naked eye a cloud of smoke move from one part of the house to the other, real smoke like I use to see from my father as a child move through the house. What I figured out (after your mail) was that it was calling me for some healing work, as I could hear the voices of the woman and the pain from a sick frail man in the house and not being treated quite right ! I figured it was about doing some purification ritual with some incense from star child Galstonbury, to do with some energetic threads between this man and wife and the tensions between them while he was obviously on earth with her. And they were literally threads.
I went for agood walk in the woods and gave all the energy back to nature. So hopefully I won't feel so bothered about it interferring into my energetic field....!
What I do see is the importance of keeping the aura
constantly cleansed...in all this. I do believe it is like cleaning your house, if you don't it will begin to show...and energy sticks....
Thank-you for your guidance about ''walking the path''.It must be an amazing experience in Budapest. Could imagine the karmic plains prevailing and the undercurrent tensions.... at least the Openhand energy will touch and move many.....