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Sharing the flow of things

Wow! Hit a big emotional block tonight. Realizing that how I see my husband as a father is intricately connected to my own experience with an absent father. A mild argument stirred up deep feelings of hatred and rage... Which slowly turned into emotional detachment... An "I don't give a care" attitude settled over me as we ended the conversation and I went to my room. I fell into tears at the hatred I was feeling for my husband and started to see that it is all mixed in together. He triggers it but it's not him... I want to literally punch him but it's not him. From this I do have an ally... Was able to put words to all this and expressed that I may need him to allow me to just express all this anger the next time it all comes up and for him to work to remember that it is not about him and to just hold the space for me. I have never expressed the anger and hurt from my childhood... It's never been this accessible so in that I feel really grateful Smile

Open's picture

It's wonderful that you can see it and work with it Jen.

Open Ok

Trinity's picture

That feels so powerful Jen! It's amazing what we store inside and how thankful that we can access it again, when we are in a place to work with it.
Loads of Love to ya!

.Jen's picture

Thanks Open and Trinity! You are always so supportive and I so appreciate that!! FEels like I am going through both ends of the spectrum right now - feeling more of what's been suppressed and at the same time feeling more connected both within myself and within external relationships. Seeing the internal opening reflected outside in more openness in relationships. Actually maybe these aren't opposite ends of the spectrum as it's through the pain and discomfort that the deeper connection is being forged.

Today I am also working with this old nauseous feeling that feels like a long tube like an umbilical cord attached to my upper abdomen. I remember this feeling from when I was really young and it is being stimulated now again. It gets triggered by some way of being that I see or feel from certain women. I can't say exactly what it is - it's almost like a feeling of me being ashamed or feeling like I have done something that is not acceptable and am being looked upon by these women as someone to shun. It's not clear, throwing it out to the universe for guidance and just keeping my attention on the vibe I am feeling there.

Thanks again for your support!

With love,

.Jen's picture

Over the last couple days I am finding myself unravelling this emotional blockage and as I have confronted the anger that has been sitting in there I am finding myself able to express myself in the physical...Where I have felt to express but have held back.... And when at last expression can come all the way through it feels so natural, so perfectly effortless... I am not fighting my way through a barrier... The barrier is melting away and more of me naturally unfolds and can express in the moment. It's pure joy to let this loose =).

Fiona Reilly's picture

Wow, Jen!

What you share is truly inspiring! How wonderful to be at a place where you can express so freely.

Enjoy the joy, love Fiona

divinespark's picture

Hi Jen,

Your vulnerability, honesty, and presence are so inspiring, as always. I often feel a resonance with your experiences. I am going down a similar path these days: letting the emotions rip, as Open has described it. Feeling into the anger and rage, releasing it, and finding the light beyond to a higher way of being. I still get into "loaded" exchanges, at times. But I'm getting better at releasing the blockages more fully so that I can stand my ground and express more and more with respect, firmness, compassion, honesty, and authenticity. I feel like a bird learning to fly. Ain't it grand? Wishing you well as you spread your wings and soar.

Much Love,

xxx Catherine

.Jen's picture

Thank you Fiona and Catherine for the kind and supportive words =).

Catherine - Very cool that you can relate with what I am sharing. Yes, it feels like I have been unwinding this core knot for a number of years now...working on all the more obvious places, the ones that undo more easily...like when you are untangling a necklace and it takes patience and persistence and you take care of the simpler ones and then you get to this one stubborn little knot that takes time to unravel...takes time to even see where to pull and to get a good grip and open it, unravel it and then voila! And it will keep coming and it's just fine with me! What else is there?!

I love what you shared above Catherine...I get the image of a stream of light and all these little entanglements around it...and you are shedding these entanglements until the stream of light is free flowing and the highest expression of you shines into the world. Just awesome!! Smile

Love to you both,

.Jen's picture

I had an enlightening dream last night... And it came through on a necklace! I am sitting with this young girl in my lap. She is facing me and I am showing her my necklace charm which is normally an eternity symbol but has now turned into a silver upside down angel with a red outline. Circumstances in the dream unfold to show me the jealousy that is inside of me. In waking I feel instantly grossed out that I have this inside of me... I see it come up but I work to never act from it... But it's still lingering, hanging out under my words and actions. I really don't want to accept this feeling but I know I have to get more into before "the day is done".

Cynthia Sham Rang's picture

This is fabulous Jen - to be able to uncover the junk that we've been holding for eons! We don't want to look and see and feel, but the reality is, it's there!! Amazing realizations!!!
It seems you're no longer using a shovel in that rabbit hole - you have a back-hoe digging away!!
Can you sense the energy that is released through this awareness? I can feel MY body going 'Phew I was tired of holding that!!'
Thank you for sharing.

.Jen's picture

Thanks Cynthia for your post. I can feel your enthusiasm all the way down here Smile yes it is so true what you say above... We know how we "should" be but how do we actually feel and stuffing it down trying to make it be quiet will ultimately never work. I know that what I see is inside of me .... So it's a matter of releasing this old false identity that needs anything outside of me and attuning to this quality within. I feel like this is a giant sack of potatoes and right now I have just stopped carrying it and am opening the bag to see what's in there. I trust life will help me see. Mmmmwah!!! Xo thanks for the reflection!! With love, Jen

Cynthia Sham Rang's picture

It feels so good to follow the stench and find that old sack!! YAY!!!

.Jen's picture

Some clarity is landing on some pain in my shoulder from too much weight, a tire that keeps losing air and a recent literal (and figurative) blindspot on the right side of my new vehicle. There has been a reticence to attune to the lightness. In the past I did so in a way that disconnected me from the body - I have had some fear around feeling the lightness, the expansiveness and getting trapped. Instead though, I am seeing that I am focusing so much on the tightness, on the density that I have cut off connection to feeling the lightness all together. As a result I have been feeling the energy but not a clear sense of direction with it...I am also carrying a weight around trusting myself...I want someone else to give me the answers - I know how disempowering this is and surely I (and most) have lived that reality before. Thank you Open for just your simple encouragement to go deeper within for the answers, as much as part of me wants you to just tell me what’s going on, I would miss my own journey =)!

It felt today like everything around me was shining as brightly as possible to show me how to be. Smile Just a quick sharing of some of my journey...

Driving down the road behind a very slow truck, but feel to just stay there and then notice a sticker of a bird with the word “lark” written above it. It feels instantly like the word “song” and I feel it right in the heart - singing is a very heart opening activity for me and allowing the song of the soul to play is something that really speaks to me. Not to mention the bird as a symbol of being grounded and connected to the higher planes. A moment later my attention is drawn to the left to a plaza of shops where three signs lined up on different objects to read jenny, pure, 4...for me this spoke to the heart chakra - opening more to feeling through the senses, to the things that bring the feeling of expandedness and also to attuning to the heartfelt feeling to feel the soul’s “voice” and attune to Ray 4. Arriving at a park to go for a jog, I feel myself unwinding opening and attuning to the senses, feeling the warmth of the heart in a way I haven’t felt for a little while...feels like home...feels so connected. I then see a mother and an infant all dressed in white getting ready to have their photo taken and I feel inside that’s ok to embrace the lightness, it’s ok to feel it and to feel it IN the body - it’s not the place I have been before where the lightness was above me so I lived there...it’s here in the body. As I am running along I feel I am going to lose my keys, but they are still there...a few moments later, they actually are gone. I feel myself start to look side to side along the path and then pause, connect to the heart, slow down and look straight down the path and there they are again. Got in the car and turned on my ipod to shuffle and the first song was “Krishna’s Song” by Sacred Earth...the christ consciousness...feel a deep confirmation to keep connecting through the heart. Thanks for listening and for all of your support.

.Jen's picture

What a journey it has been recently...one of my children has been going through some difficult times and through it I felt the fire of transformation within myself. Every time I felt I have opened to what is - without any resistance - things would go on longer and any need for things to be different would rise to the surface to be felt and transmuted until there was just an opening so deep and so wide that I could be with this scenario forever without it changing and it was ok with me...and now it has resolved...just days after I felt a totally new energy stirring up and it felt like I literally wanted to jump into my garden - like a bee inside a flower...for lack of a better word - it is a very penetrative energy that I recognize as bringing more forward from the background open flower that I feel as the feminine energy in me to the forward motion energy of the masculine. With that I am literally on fire inside...returning to feeling radiating heat burning through from inside...sweating like crazy, not sleeping and itching all over.

New connections are happening - such amazing reflections - those who I can really share with and who just feel so uplifting and home like to me...brings me so much joy!!

Dreamt last night that I stepped out from being between two walls in shoes that are too small for me - got new shoes - size 4 that I wore with tall rainbow socks!

Just a brief sharing of what is happening for me...and connecting to this community - Much love, Jen

Ben's picture

sounds great Jen. Yay for rainbow socks! Wink


Open's picture

Sounds like a lovely process Jen - huge alchemical change.

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Thank you Ben and Open for the support =). I feel so filled with warmth and interestingly it feels as though it is flowing from the solar plexus which has usually felt quite tight and the heart... This is new to me to feel this warm connection in the solar plexus. Now noticing places where I am pushing my agenda... Manipulating and over efforting and experiencing the same toward me...perspective feels steady enough to see and feel without losing touch with the body... Which is a change... There is the part of me that wants to flee but there is an anchor that feels more grounded at the moment. <3

.Jen's picture

So this may be long.. Let's see how concise I can be...went to 5 rhythms workshop this weekend... Powerful and aligned with Openhand way of working with what comes up. Something that is sticking for me is this man in the group that early on in the exploration expressed to the group that he was feeling projected upon and overwhelmed by the need to be be the masculine in the room (and how we don't probably know what he means by that). It really annoyed me... Though I could see this is part of his journey it felt like he was actually projecting on us the need to receive his masculine energy.... I felt a huge arising of basically f**k you!! No one asked you to "be the masculine in the room"... We all have that within us as well and if you look around are expressing it just fine. At the same time, the night before I became aware of an old buried desire within me...just two days prior I received heavy news about the father I grew up with that suddenly in the contemplation of his not being here caused an arising sense of "I need my father" (my birth father) - a person I have strongly sent the message that I don't need him ... The night before I dreamt that I was laid on the ground with my belly showing and light was "working" on the energy there...I then found myself driving an open air vehicle... Like a three wheel motor bike but I was pulling a trailer full of old connections and couldn't go faster than 17 mph... I let everyone out and to my shock found a naked female child in there - about age 5 and she had two children of her own - a boy and a girl...I perceived her as ill equipped to care for these two children and also perceived her own sense of self as totally adequate and capable of caring for these two.

During the workshop today I felt invited to connect to that child within and feel into all the joy of connecting to her offering her love, touching her/my hair and face, whole body, whole being- offering love and acceptance - showing her she is valued and seen and met...and then feeling the anguish of my reaching out and not being met... Confronting my sense of cutting off from letting others know that I need them at all... In fact expressing the opposite.. That I have it all together. I begin to feel a strong urge to give birth.. Just this energy that wants to break through. There is a blue glass cauldron of water on the altar and it feels like the energy is moving into the water or that the blue water is helping it move through me.

Now I feel there is still something there... I can't tell if I just feel weighty in my sacrum and root or blockage... Just feels like a heaviness I am not use to.

I only feel that I can just express this ... It draws the threads together for me so thank you for the space for that... Open to a reflection on this... I actually still feel annoyed by the man who proclaimed our need of him and interestingly "had to" connect with him in a giving and receiving experience... Which I could feel him feeling that I need him to lead me and moved with that and added my own energy ... Probably with a bit too much force as I was aggravated.

Open's picture

Hi Jen,

An invaluable exploration indeed Smile

Have you relied upon the divine masculine around you to support you? To (in effect) replace the divine masculine in you? Have you perhaps judged that the divine feminine is not strong enough to succeed and provide?

Did you confront the guy who was wrongly owning the entirety of the masculine energy - there and then, in front of the group? Perhaps the truth at the core of the anger was repressed ray 1 masculine wanting you to do this? Because it's in the moment where you reclaim that power.

Is the heaviness you now feel actually the density of the divine masculine coming through?

Some questions to explore.

Much love

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Thank you Open for the opportunity to go deeper with these questions.

Yes I have relied upon the masculine around me and have become aware of that... Have allowed more and more of my own creations to come forward, but yes I continually come up against the sense that what I create here is not valued enough to truly support the family...I had a couple poignant dreams... In the first I am a medicine woman/witch of sorts and I am taking all these herbs to help clear something stuck in my throat but that the real issue is shown to be a masculine energy shoved down my throat. The other dream is myself walking on a wooded path - a bear crosses my path and it doesn't at all alarm me as it runs into the water but the path looks to be flooded up ahead with a strong River... In the river are three huge elephants walking with the flow of the river... I turn away and grab crutches from a pile of scraps and take them to my father who receives news that his health is restored.

I feel like both of these dreams show me the acceptance and willing dependence on an outside source of masculine energy rather than coughing up the masculine that is like a projectile object in my mouth and down my throat and allowing myself to join the elephants in the river without the crutch of dependence on the continuation of the external father figure.

Yes I have judged the feminine as not strong enough to provide ... By itself. Is really either energy able to provide and support and create in an aligned way without integration of the other? I have been so tuned into being the open flower and have only recently started to feel the forward motion of the bee.. That wants to dive in and create something new. Perhaps it's more that there is the sense that as a woman this world somehow wants to devour me. There is part of me that feels it needs protection and relaxes in the feeling of its being provided.

So this man in the group... Yes I absolutely felt a pull to say something to him after his sharing but held back as the woman facilitating did not address it ... Which then caused other women to start saying "is it me who is projecting... So many felt concerned for his welfare and that made me feel more agitated because it felt like he was unknowingly manipulating them and putting all the attention on himself. I wasn't sure enough in what I was feeling to just blurt it out- question him although I so felt the urge to, I held back because his way of being was triggering my own stuff around "needing the masculine out there".

I found myself then becoming more pressing in other conversations with women,... As this energy was just festering. So yes, perhaps there was a way for me to speak up and express the Ray 1 energy. Because I didn't call him on it, I just expressed in through my body but it didn't feel complete. What would I have had to risk if I had let the expression come through? Being isolated from the group, appearing combative... Is it really right for me to call him into question if I feel extra energy around it because of my own stuff?

The heaviness I feel now....it's not like a knot or a tightness - it's more a fullness. I am more aware of it then any other place in my body... It feels icy and hot at the same time. Is the feeling of the divine masculine feel heavier? I just feel like a ball of weight in my lower body and part of me wants to lift out of it but that doesn't feel right - it feels more right to birth through it.

Open's picture

Lots of explorations - lots of poignant questions.

You ask...

    "Is really either energy able to provide and support and create in an aligned way without integration of the other?"

Of course no. It needs both, and all the other of the 7 rays. But you can lead from a certain energy - each moment will call that. So we may lead from the ray2 divine feminine and it certainly can succeed that way if there's enough trust in the right situations.

You ask...

    "Is it really right for me to call him into question if I feel extra energy around it because of my own stuff?"

Everybody has distortions - the fastest and most effective way to clear them is to fully express them. Because then you get the strongest mirror - both parties do. It takes courage yes, and it's going to explode situations sometimes, but sometimes that's entirely necessary.

Does the divine masculine feel heavier? If you're used to the lightness of the divine feminine yes it will likely feel heavier - more accurately denser because the energy is more focused. But heavier might mean there's an internal judgment of it - something to look for.

Awesome explorations - advancing you quickly

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Ok, now I see what you are saying about leading with a particular ray...I thinkI got stuck on the word "provide" and what that means.

My water guy came today (to work on my kitchen plumbing) and the entire time he talked about how he loves to make connections and build bridges between people. I know this is strong for me too, but I also see that I am being invited to cross through this scary place for me of being more direct in the face of strong masculine energy (distorted especially). Though I do more naturally express Ray 2 and 4, I feel that I have a catalytic side that can be very effective when I am not intimidated to express it. I also feel a bit out there expressing Ray 1 when i can't find the bridge in...when it feels like what I am going to say is going to be alarming - the Ray 4 always seems to bring it in in a digestible way. I am sure opportunities will continue to abound to explore this further. Smile

Lastly, this weight I am feeling...yes I do sense that is perceived as heavy because part of me doesn't want to go where it appears to be taking me now...into the depths of holding more intimately deeper levels of anguish and pain - my own and others and not just holding it, but coming down into it more fully and connecting to the lightness down in that.

Thank you Open for taking the time to read all of this and offering me your reflections. I am profoundly grateful.

With love, Jen

Open's picture

You're most welcome Jen - it's so great that you can reflect on it at that level. Amazing.

Open Ok

erica r's picture

Hi Jen

Thanks for sharing!! I feel your Ray1 through your writing. What comes to mind are your reference points that define "masculine energy"?

In my experience learning to express authentically (at first) an energy pulsating through feels clumsy and awkward. I've learned that it's ok for it to come out in a clumsy and awkward way. Suppressing puts into the mind which then warps it and tries to validate the inaction or the energetic impulse that was naturally arising. I think it's possible to deliver a "masculine energy message" in a feminine energy tone using body language or surrounding it with empathetic vibes.

Other times I just state it and let the effect be whatever it may be. Is that insensitive as I am expressing what may be perceived to "hurt" others? Or am I strong as I am being within the truth I have found and allowing myself the space to express from that vantage point? I've circled many issues on the path and "got stuck". I call it rationalizing in the roundabout. Once I recognized that pattern and the safety it provided, I no longer "needed" to continue with that behavior although it continues to rise up subconsciously when I am being "sleepy"

I love Opens response that completely took consciousness into a new perspective that felt so expansive. Within the expansive feeling, constraints and limitations of physicality felt to dissolve as vibrant strands of interconnectedness shimmered. Feeling into the Universe without preconditioned reactions all the conditioned behaviors fall away.

Reaction leads to a feeling of being grounded and stuck. It feels sticky, coagulated on the soul especially when awareness reaches the crux where the mind identifies the behavioral habit and screams at you.. Ego,Ego ,Ego...

So for me, when I arrived at that crux I stopped identifying with words. It felt like when my mind felt the impulse to identify with the energy that was stimulated within which was stimulated by external influences of the environment or external stimuli, the preconditioned associations ensued which limited an authentic in the moment experience.The proverbial ball was in motion instantly, then reaction then reflection ensued.

In that initial moment, when the energy spiked, giving that energy of feeling my attention slowed it all down. I went deeper within beyond the energetic stimulated response. Within the tumultuous inner emotional storm, I felt stillness. The need to respond emotionally dissolved. It became freeing from the ego thus authentic expression flows through.

Open previously stated "A more beneficial approach (to one's soul), would be to learn how to surrender to the flow. Then the layers of the ego start to peel away. Your consciousness expands into the field and into multiple dimensions of existence - where you experience all manner of things beyond imagination."

In those moments I surrender. Let go of any need for what ensues to be a certain way. It takes practice so at first felt conflicting to grasp the concept of making an effort to not effort at all... Quite the conundrum
So letting go of words and labels was key on my journey.

All the attachments associated with the "masculine energy" are defined by the reference points used to create meaning. Would letting go of labeling masculine or feminine be a key. I've recently been asking myself that and exploring letting go of those defining concepts as at the core it is all unconditional oneness.

Much love

.Jen's picture

Wow Erica - I could feel every word of what you shared here...what sticks out for me is this...

"in that initial moment, when the energy spiked, giving that energy of feeling my attention slowed it all down. I went deeper within beyond the energetic stimulated response. Within the tumultuous inner emotional storm, I felt stillness. The need to respond emotionally dissolved. It became freeing from the ego thus authentic expression flows through."

This has been shaping for me over the last few years...in deeper and deeper spirals of experience I suppose...yes I feel that connection to center even though the emotions and the physical body is in reaction and that has been key in allowing authentic expression to come forward. I am finding times like these though where something new in me is coming forward and like you said it is awkward to bring it out, mainly due to attachment.

And you said here...
"Suppressing puts into the mind which then warps it and tries to validate the inaction or the energetic impulse that was naturally arising." YES - this is happening.

At the core, is the willingness to release any need to appear a certain way, to maintain a level of acceptance, to blend into the scenery...it's moments like these that invite that to begin breaking down - centering in the midst of the storm...like you said, it all slows down and authentic expression can come through or NOT and then the snowball effect you mentioned. Smile

yes, funny that the man said "you all don't know what I mean when I say masculine" and perhaps the truth in that is that I don't completely...there is a mixture of ideas from society, our culture - that confuses the purity of the experience - the feel of that energy...and perhaps yes, the analytical side kicks in to understand it retrospectively.

What I feel coming through right now is a deep urge to allow the tension of any efforting to be anything to unwind through every moment and every situation that arises.

With lots of love and gratitude for the beautiful reflection.

.Jen's picture

there is a tension
throughout the body
an effort to be
i don't feel to grin anymore or try
a blankness wants to emerge
an openness without superimposition
what is this constant grin
but a mask
is it not ok to just feel at ease or not
elated or not
thrilled or not
friendly or not
this false pleasantness - is exhausting
feeling this natural arising of "here I am"
as I am
may it flow through the blankness arising and dissolving
free to move
alighting the body - the face
with authenticity...perhaps even a smile from the depths

erica r's picture

A smile cracks the stillness
A crevasse created externally relieves the internal pressure
An ancient energetic flow releasing from the depths
Yet pressure building reconstructing
Reconfiguring building building
A smile begins to quiver and shake
Emergence through explodes
Shatters the constrictive shell
Lava expels a light body free of form
Vulnerable in this realm.. Bright
Molten skin takes shape settles protects seamlessly
A new awareness reflects the depths on the surface
A new smile cracks the stillness

.Jen's picture

Dear Erica, What a dance this is... Thank you for the way in which you join... Unexpectedly... With a flow that speaks to the core. Thank you Erica for this continuity and evolution. How surprising and synchronistic to see the lava flow on paper as it has been ebbing and flowing inside the body....building and glowing with the most overwhelming sense of love and then disappearing again to re-emerge with vigor.

Reading last night and these words sprung off the page "dancing through the open moment"... There is still much stickiness within me and the tolerance for it guiding the ship is dying as is the fear of not presenting....meeting every moment as the opportunity to drop through the facade and let the dancer emerge.

Much love,

erica r's picture

Hi Jen!

Yes dancing in front of a mirror brings so much to the experience, thank you for sharing your authentic journey. It really helped today as I shared with my son. When I used the words feminine and masculine he said,"yes!! That's the word, masculine... that's what I was trying to think of."

Thought I would share this with you. I was talking with my 20yr old son, Michael. He was expressing a conflict he is feeling. He is going to watch his girlfriends soccer game and doesn't want to sit with her family. He said her family is very loud, yelling and cheering, continuously commenting on how the coach should do this or that. He stated he just wants to watch the game and be supportive without those distractions.

The conflict: If he sits away from them, they judge it and take it personally and he doesn't want to create any turmoil. Yet he is yearning to be true to himself and what he is feeling. He also stated, " I always go along with what they say and now I want to be more masculine and respected. He stated he thinks people view him as a push over when he doesn't come out and state his mind. He said,"I'm tired of holding back but I just don't know how to express myself without it causing things to blow up. It's just not worth it. How do I sit separate without offending them?"

It was great to reflect to him how to pay attention to what suppressing feels like. (grateful it was alive in my consciousness due to your sharing) Also helping him come up with a dialogue that is neutral in some way yet effective to get his message through as it feels clumsy and awkward for him. It's not "in the moment" but it's a tool he can use as the alternative is avoidance or suppression. Michael then recognized this pattern and how it plays out in his work and home life. Learning how to express his energy without creating reactions.... Is that even possible? (I'm smiling).

So the struggle is so real!!!! So grateful for your timely expression as I could still feel your energy as I responded to my sons inquiries!! Makes me think there are so so many young adults coming into the world who have been conditioned to just react or told to "suck it up" by adults then that snowball just keeps rolling!!!
Amazing to think how your experience has touched the life of a young man thousands of miles away as I see all the beautiful interconnected strands reflecting light!!

Much love,

.Jen's picture

That's awesome Erica! Thank you for sharing - like you kind of giggled about as you shared your son's experience, most of the way I express has had this motto you mentioned "expressing our energy without creating reactions"... It feels like now I am invited to see how mucky and fuzzy things can be when I over do it with the blending and it becomes suppressing or just plain unclear... So more expressing in a way that has a possibility to be heard but not too overly concerned with the reaction or the receptivity of the receiver.

All these interconnected strands of light ... I love that image. Thank you Erica <3 Jen

.Jen's picture

I am having an odd experience in the body... It feels like the physical body is big and heavy and doesn't match what I feel like inside... Inside I feel as light as a wisp... Like a feathery tiny physical presence... Yet I perceive the body as massive and like a ton of bricks... I hear passing thoughts of wanting to shrink the body, not eat, run all day .... Heavier foods cause me to feel sick and lethargic and more identified with this giant blocky body... I feel a pull to be lighter and find it strange that I find myself eating vegan pizza or French fries. I suppose this is all around the body's set up versus our soul vibration. I see smoothies and juice and just raw really simple food like plain garden leaves feeling like a match and there is also this craving to drop this heavy body... But that is probably a bit distorted and retracting. Hmmm... Will see what comes.

Some things landing about this... Laughed as I realized the connection to why I had felt drawn to stop at someone's house today who had half a palette of pavers by the road - feeling I could use them in the garden to create something... Went up to the door to make sure I could take them and the door said "the lambs" and no one was home...To me that's about following and also an element of allowance. It's not that I reject this body as a whole ... It's that I feel so heavy... Like I am carrying extra weight... I saw so much learning experience and emotional attachment. I feel very drawn to dropping this extra weight I am carrying... Open to what shows up. There are so many layers to this as I see that there are elements of the body that the soul doesn't match but also that I am attuning to that through what I am eating and perhaps this allows me to be where I am physically... In the environment I am now in.

.Jen's picture

Having the feeling of somehow "giving people back to themselves" - though it's more letting go of what I need them to do/be/experience. Coming home from Seattle...there was the sense that I am harming in the aim to protect...I felt a huge weight lifted of needing to prevent some potential catastrophic event in my children's lives.

The first encounter I had with family, there was clearly some shift while I was gone and the child I have had the greatest concern around food and self-care has proclaimed her desire to change things and it's been so powerful to not be in the way of that by trying to manage it...so amazing to watch her want this from within herself...and what a massive lift it has been coming out of the power struggle...handing things to her, where it feels it belongs and where she very much wants it to be.

There has also been this sense of not needing to be the center of the family...being in my own center and not needing to orchestrate the way time is shared to meet some standard in my mind...watching as there isn't so much of a family "center" but possibilities and options...how do we each feel to spend time. I often want to be out exploring and for the most part everyone else wants to be home or playing sports or with friends- my internal resisitance to this reality has created a lot of strife in our time together...so finding I am supported in just going my own way a lot of the time and feeling (when there is that option) for when I truly feel to hang with everyone...funny how these things can open on their own when I find the way of being..it's like a magical key. Synchronistically, I finally unloaded all the bricks from my car that I felt to pick up last week...wonder what they may become?!

Open's picture

That's wonderful Jen. I observe that in families, there's such a strong conditioning to 'blend' - as if harmony can only happen that way. I think humanity slips into subconsciousness because of the subtle need for harmony.

    Yet there can be no lasting harmony if each isn't fulfilled in their own right. Each must find their own sovereignty and self-expression less blurring of ones own vibe in order for their to be true success, true harmony.

And so making space for oneself; then allowing each to be and do what they feel comfortable with. Then there will be spaces where overlap naturally happens without the need for control.


Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Awwww confusion... The circumstance I find myself in beg the question is how I am being of the soul or of the ego.... Watching the constant retreat... The drawing away of energy from how it normally interacts with the other and how that effects the surroundings....it feels like peeling away layers of myself and in that it's a mixture of awfulness and rightness...in asking the universe " where is how I am being arising?" An image arises of fish being placed in a pair of sneakers... And the words "fish are meant to swim".... There is a sense of being out of place but massive resistance to continuing down this road.... It feels like I am driving a sword into everyone around me. I know I will continue to be me in it all but this slow and steady unraveling seems to drag out the inevitable and create more of an ache in me.

What do I wear my sneakers for except to run.... What am I running from but the confrontation of what I truly feel even if I don't want to feel it or find confusion when logic has no answers. Letting the fish be in the sea ... When all the doubts are stripped away, what remains but a naked knowing of what the truth is in those waters and all the ways I am running from it... Ugh it just feels impossible sometimes. And then again, I just can follow the one key... Of love...deeper connection inside and trust where that leads.

Feeling this and played the iPod on random ... Awesome song called "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn?
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger?
Little conquerors

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riot
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign

.Jen's picture

So interesting, While everyone in my house was asleep, i spent the night dancing alone in the dark with a shadow of myself projected on the wall by a light coming through the window. I did invite my husband to join me, and although I can feel part of him yearns to let loose in that way, he just won't. Just me and my mirror shadow image danced joyfully and it was incredibly rich and fulfilling. Lots of questions arose last night around this yearning for a real "dance" partner... What it means to me here in the physical.. If I am relating to another... What brings me joy in that relating and how much of that is an attachment based need. Isn't it enough to connect to myself... So why then is there still this someone that I feel in the space around me... Though still a distance away... This one feels physics but like he's approaching me but not yet here...there is a yearning to actually connect in the physical.

This morning I was getting ready to go out before everyone got up and I smashed my left toes into a box that contains old framed photos of family. It may be broken as its all purple and I can't walk very well now. What in the word is this for? Is it more of the running from things... Dancing in the dark and scooting out before everyone else gets moving.... Am I not being physically present enough? How is this affecting walking the path?

Open to perspectives as I feel I am a bit in the dark here...

Thank you!

Open's picture

Hey Jen,

Lovely that you can dance in such freedom. But I do feel for you too. <3

Is not the message becoming increasingly obvious?...

    This morning I was getting ready to go out before everyone got up and I smashed my left toes into a box that contains old framed photos of family.

I'd say you've been getting the same message for some time. Have you accepted it yet? Clearly there's someone waiting there in the wings for you. But you also have to accept that for the energy to move in that direction. There's clearly some other letting go of expectation (of the current situation) to happen or resistance to what might unfold.

You could build that dance within the ether now if you really wanted to and were prepared to let go into it. You're creating in a spiritual way now - through consciousness. Which means you have to fully let go of the old relationship in that alchemical way in order for the new to begin to form.

Big hug

Open Give rose

Open's picture

PS - synchronistically the thought for the day today is...

    "The love we withhold is a measure of the pain we carry."

.Jen's picture

Hi Open- Yes when I look in the mirror it is all very clear what the message is and the knowing inside is very clear as well. The emotional attachment clouds it and makes it hard to see clearly- holding me in a repeating circle. There has been an expectation that the mental/emotional would align with the knowing but, no, they seem to stay nicely affixed to maintaining "what I always wanted" or playing back the fear that I am making it all up, that I am distant and cold, that I haven't given fully enough of myself... And this pulls me back in to engage in another round of "working things out". It seems the mind and emotions will just continue to play these tapes on and on...and of course I know that but being in it is quite different =). It's just trusting the feeling and allowing it all to arise without letting it be the guide. There is the vibe of who I am beyond all of this story and it clearly fuels a new vision of me.

I am actually growing quite tired of this story...I am tired of in between.... I must be all in- one way or the other.

Thank you Open... Big sigh ... <3

With love,

Margaret's picture

Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it 
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal
is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists
to live a life not half a life

Khalil Gibran

Open's picture

Jen, I feel to offer some 'advice', but as always, I do it with the proviso of saying that only your soul knows the truth, and so to test what I offer in relation to what you witness and see...

I'd say there's an invitation to fully explore the relationship with your Twin Flame - to dive fully into the divine dance, as a living breathing expression - witnessing the reflections in all that you see, but..... then taking those reflections back inside yourself without the need for full physical manifestation of your Twin Flame.

Speaking from experience, it is the most profoundly beautiful relationship that you carry with you and is expressed everywhere, through all things - yet is not material.

From that, somewhere down the future, maybe a manifestation of that will materialise. As happened for me.

I offer a reflection.


.Jen's picture

Dear M... Heartfull of gratitude for you and the poem that you shared .... <3 much love, Jen

.Jen's picture

Thank you Open and yes this is something I have been open to and exploring.

This exchange here on the forum has activated a familiar feeling ...this "ache" inside that pulses and flows up in waves through to my heart and throat. I observe that when this is felt a couple things happen. The energy starts to feel very sensual and probably gets distorted into sexual energy as it feels like it wants to express in the physical. I feel very tactile and physically expressive at these times and it's incredibly intense to contain it. If it doesn't get diverted into that kind of expression, then it draws in others around me...who seem to get pulled in by what I am feeling inside. It's really hard then not to play that out, but this is also sending mixed signals I feel in the current situation.

You said "then taking those reflections back inside yourself without the need for full physical manifestation of your Twin Flame."

I see this is part of the resistance... Some part of me - is having a hard time accepting the idea of not being able to connect physically with another... And I can see the distortion in that and also feel some fear of not being in the safety of the situation I am now in, knowing what I may draw to myself with the energy that is coming up in me.

Ohhh lots to feel... So this energy feels strong right now and I am just containing and watching it... seeing if there is an aligned way for me to express this.

Much love and gratitude,

Open's picture

Yes I understand.

But maybe you slightly misunderstand me.

I'm not saying that energy shouldn't be expressed - including sexual. There's a way of dancing in it, like a miraculous dream, but without a physical partner. Why limit yourself by something you can't control? However, the alchemy inside you can still be fully expressed. And because it maybe wants to happen sexually, doesn't necessarily mean it's distorted.

Something to explore.


.Jen's picture

Thanks Open ... I am being with it and exploring what's going on and may email you to work with it. Love, Jen

.Jen's picture

Ok so, coming back to the energy .... I am able to relax around the circumstances and allow the space that is avaulable to me now to nurture a deeper internal exploration... It is all about the energy and I am seeing that so strongly....feeling, exploring, expressing it without need for it to be with anyone else in the material... Though I do feel these kind of qualities of being around me... I can see this forming a bridge of completeness inside and allowing the external pieces to shift in alignment with that. I see the way I have been holding out for something to change here to make the external circumstances stay intact.... A bit of attempted internal negotiations as the gap here grows and has scared me a bit. Feeling on track and able to let go of the mental/ emotional gymnastics.

Thank you <3 Jen

I didnt know where to post this.
I suppose the flow sometimes hits some dark spots so maybe this is appropriate.
I dont know where to turn so I turn to openhand.
Sometimes I feel like a snowflake in a firestorm.
I cant take this world so I turn to substances, its too painful, and im too weak.
I cant help but wish to be out of this existence. How many souls sacrificed their lives so I could sit here writting this.
How can I talk of love, I an ocean of pain. Drowning amongst the waves of despair.
Its all so wrong and I cant help but feel the sooner the human experience is over the better for all concerned.
Its seems the gnostics may be right, the universe is the demiurge and we are his pawns. His greatest trick convincing us he was god.
Maybe the majority of humanity are unconsciouss clones happy to walk off the cliff.
Awakened souls are few and far between. Ive wittnessed beautiful souls burning in the fires of this world. They're gone! Lost! For what! For who! Why must we suffer in this way! No amount of tears can cover the pain.
Sparkles has lost his spark in this world.
I will stay as long as I must but it doesnt change the fact I wish I was home.
I hate being in this world and what it does to me.
I want to go home.

Love to you openhanders!
I pray you are stronger than me.

Open's picture

Hey Zac - everyone's with you brother. Give rose

You are strong enough - because - you can feel the pain. Yes, I know what being here is like, all too well. You describe very accurately what many evolving people - many starsouls - feel.

Evolution in this place is often a delicate balance - between feeling the pain so you can integrate lost aspects of soul gold, therefore being human, but as the pain gets too much, letting yourself expand out and through it into your cosmic self.

What are those things that make you feel expanded?

And by that, I don't mean hallucinogens! What these do is create too strong a polarity - identities around the higher state, and ones around the lower. Consciousness bounces around between the states. It becomes hard to find your true centre - your real anchor in the storm.

Let pure presence become the anchor. Breakthrough all identities and let none own you - especially not the 'good' and 'up' ones. Just pure presence. Pure isness.

So what are the things you can do on a day-by-day basis that feel 'right' in your life? Simple things, like nature, meditation, bodywork, music, healthy food good companionship. Keep finding this rightness of the soul and the soul will increasingly deliver you onto the shores of presence.

Do this as much as you can. Increasingly you'll find it easier and easier to cope with it all.

I'm with you, benevolence is with you, these are humungous changes going on, and for someone who can feel all that turmoil in the field, it's deeply challenging. So look for the timeless Fifth Density aswell.

And finally reach out to those you can really trust in - reach out here as you have done.

You have a welcome home here

Open Ok

Your right of course.
The psychadelics did serve a purpose for me. I needed to know what I was doing was real and not a dream created by my mind, but the price was high.
Maybe too high.
It did create polarities in me and like you said Ive been bouncing between them.
I want to apologise to myself.
Im sorry.
I must get back to where this all started. To where your pointing, back to the moment. It used to be about feeling for me. Feeling within the body throughout every moment. That was my anchor.
It seems so long ago.
I'm not sure if I can make it back but I must at least try.
Thanks for being there for me again open, and creating a safe place in the storm.

Zac, me again, pesky huh Wink

I can't find words cause I feel the pain as you do, I just stand beside you brother.

'I know all too well it don't come easy' sometimes Zac I think if people hand an inkling of the journey that's been - whoaaagh. But here we are.

erica r's picture


I'm with you. I find solace within this existence when I am "found" by another soul breaking through. Silently tearing a gentle hole to shine light so that it's reflected back deeply.

I've currently found peace within the smallest insect using it's instincts or antennas to feel it's way through.

Just today I was kayaking on a lake with the warm sunshine and blue skies. I felt so peaceful then a dark cloud with torrential heavy rain started to pour. Of course it was when I had reached the furthest point from my launch spot. I had kayaked for a few hours. When it was clear and the water calm, I watched ducks and loons. Two by two they were building a nest on open water. Just moving about. Then on the return, I was soaking wet and the temperature had dropped to 48degrees or 8.9 Celsius. I kept moving as I felt my muscles cooling. A slight panic was coming in as I hadn't told "anyone" where I would be, I hadn't brought a phone or even a sip of water. I was wearing light clothes...I actually started to laugh and that pesky voice went quiet. At one point I unwrapped cold fingers from the paddle and my hands were stiff and ached. Then my gaze fell upon the loons who were still within the storm moving the same as if the external environment had no impact upon their purpose. They dove and swam gracefully and naturally within the storm as they did within the stillness. It was an amazing sight to behold! So profound to witness these creatures moving as if untouched by the physical world.

Just felt to share this with you
Much love,

Please increase your peskyness great friend. Thank god for you, literally. Its comforting to know your here too.
What a journey indeed, so tired it makes me, which helps in a way cause I cant be bothered running from what must be done.
You know this world can chuck everything it has at me, come at me in every which way possible but Im still here, WE are still here.
Im not afraid.
And because of you guys I can stand proud and say "Im not alone!"

There's another silver lining too of course, accelerating out of this quagmire I find myself in shall be quite the ride.

Thanks for that too Erica. (I just read your post)
I really like that.
Regardless of what's happening around me I can still do my thing.
I can still build my nest within myself! Aha
Nothing can touch that.
Thanks for acting on the feeling to share that with me, that helps alot!

Spiritpaws's picture

Zac Sparkles, I really feel your words.

Last weekend I was walking through the forest at the farm and stopped to speak to a very old grandmother pine. Her roots are like pythons: cool, strong, quiet that rise above the fallen pine needles. She is so tall I have to lean back to see her crown. I laid my offering down and asked permission to breathe into her. She said, "Little One, we are in this together."

It was a much needed reminder to me that as singular as our soul journeys are, we have allies. The trees, the animals, the plants, the insects, the winged ones work patiently to unwind the chains of this density, to reveal to us the pieces of our blindness.

Brother, your allies await you.

love, tigger

Thanks Spiritpaws!
I needed to be reminded there are beautiful awakened souls on this planet and their not just in human form.
I interact with the other so much I'd forgotten that.
You've returned the spark in me!

Let me share with you guys the place I miss so much.
My true home where my soul family awaits me.
After our work in this place is done make sure you all come join the eternal party on our Isla Bonita.
Love to you guys

Horse's picture

I feel your turmoil of life Zac. I have lived it for many years now. The more I journey down this path, the more I learn, the less I know. Not sure if it makes since. Openhand has opened my eyes to a light and a love that most people in this world truly do not see or feel yet. It is spreading as you can see and feel it. You are one of these farmers of Openhand who plants these wonderful seeds, like the {wemale seed} awesome. I know for me even after all these years of pain and hurt there are times that I want the pain just to stop, not just for me but for all living things. Moments of wanting to be with the loved ones that have already moved on from this life. I think to myself that I can watch from the other side and help from there and for the most times a feeling of profound sadness and happiness all at once, hits me. The closer I get to these feeling the more I see them, the more I understand them, the more I except them. I know that when I go within myself like this I have to be aware of the ego for this can feed the pain and hurt and cloud over any light that may be present. There is a place that is full of death that I visit a lot. It is a graveyard on the ocean shore here in Cape Breton. This beautiful place brings moment of bliss into my life when I question my beingness. There is a huge tree in the centre of this peaceful yard with an eagle's nest in it, just amazing. My profile picture is of one of the eagles leaving that nest. I was there 2 days ago, a lot going on in this head and needed some peace. Time has no meaning to me there. The 2 eagles except me as one of there own, it is like oneness. I had hugged one old tree there and thanked it for the time it spend here and at the same time I looked down and there was a tail feather from my friends the eagles, just an another blissful moment. You see I was wanting my eagle family experiences shared with a close friend and this feather is from the love of the eagle and myself. I will present this gift to my friend.

Zac when I come to this site for the most part I am searching for ways to ground myself, I see the bigger picture, and know that it is alright not to know. When I have dark moments, you and openhand are the rays of light that help guide me.Some times it is quite hard to see any light, I will close my eyes find one happy though and embrace it. This flicker of light will grow once more and help you see. So my wemale friend keep shining, and remember the sun shines even on rainy days. For the most part I have found my Home and it does not have walls or a roof it is call my body.

Much Love

You know Horse the first time I read one of your posts I felt a connection with you. Its strange cause I don't know you or have never met you but life is strange like that, some things my mind will never make sense of and Im okay with that, it actually adds to the mystery and wonder.
I totally understand what you mean by the more I learn the less I know, Ive come to the conclusion I know nothing, which in a way is a great relief.
I often visit graveyards too, I like looking into the past and connecting with people who have been here before me. There's a special one where a family lost 4 children in the space of 2 years each dying on seperate dates, the parents wrote the most beautiful message on their headstones (about god taking their buds to grow in his garden) the positive attitude these people had about such a tragedy really inspires me, so I took some flowers there not long ago and told them thank you for sharing their story with me.
My brother is buried in a graveyard very similar to the one you describe, its on a headland and overlooks the sea, I've gone there in times of turmoil and a feeling of peace washes through me, taking all the pain away (maybe I should go see him again).
I was driving today and thought of you (strange hey) and you know what I felt, I felt there's someone similar to me out there, feeling the same things as I do. I've met many people, great ones like the ones on this site, but I've never felt anyone really got me, until now that is.
It really helps to know your out there somewhere my friend.
Thanks heaps for connecting with me, I love you hey : )

Horse's picture

Hi Zac, to get to where you are in life you do know somethings. I think, knowing you don't know everything is what matters. We are all one with the universe and so I think we all have the answers we need within ourselves, if we look for them at the time we need them. Ask yourself (Show me). For the most part it works for me. There is not always and answer and this is when I have to pay close attention to the ego, so that it does not lead me astray.
Zac you mentioned your brother and how visiting him helped you, sounds like a good idea to visit him. Today I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my brother who pasted away a year ago and that my friend made me think of what you wrote here about yours. So you see it is like you said, life is funny that way.

much love bro

The difficulty we can have communicating at times is the english language.
To 'know' something may mean a different things to different people. The 'know' I was referring to is the mind trying to make sense of things, which i say it never can. You can never know the absolute truth of anything, just a human perspective unique to you. Which I also say is an extremely limited view of reality.
Whereas here at openhand they use the word 'know' in relation to the flow of the soul, when you absolutley know something to the core of your being.
Its the same word but two totally different experiences.
A better way would be matrix style where we could tap into someones consciousness and share their actual experience of what their communicating, but technology in this world is extremely primitive, relative to other inteliigent entities Ive met from other worlds. But as kd said here we are.
I always ask 'show me' I get a pull and just go with it, whilst the egos saying what are doing? We cant do this? This is crazy?
Then another voice comes in saying 'hang on little one we're going for a ride'
The more I follow the pull, eventually the resistance gives in.
This probly makes no sense but who cares hey.
The main thing is what I feel now and I got no more words.
cu bro ; )

.Jen's picture

I have so enjoyed witnessing the sharing on this thread…the song you posted Zac spoke to me deeply at a point that I really needed to hear it…Freedom! yes, that is the journey to me…free from all the chains that I so intricately wound around myself, and steadily, sometimes explosively, sometimes ever so gently I shake them off, I am that which can’t be chained. Thank you all for sharing your many ways of connecting to, remembering who you are…the beautiful majestic trees…breathing each other in and out…the tiniest insects…feeling out with their teeny antennae…the soaring eagle, leaving his gifts in the form of a feather…the connection to all those who have journeyed here. You are all such magical, beautiful souls.

If I may share a bit of what is happening for me at the moment….it wants to be shared here Smile
A major question is wanting to arise every moment within me and not be denied, walked around, compromised…"Is this me?"

Reflecting on the current way of relating with the other…I was recently asked what the positive feedback loops are within that. At first I would say not much at this point…but upon further witnessing and reflecting I see that I enhanced and refined Ray 2 and 4 by the way he reflected these to me…a mixture of truth and distortion in those. I have learned what it is to fully embrace the other as they are being now from being in his presence, how to feel out and find ways of being that can dance together somewhat.

BUT a powerful yearning is screaming out to the reflection to show me what it is to not accommodate, to not compromise, to be who YOU really are no matter what. Inside I yearn to be challenged, for the line…for the boundary, for the courage to take a chance, to stand in your own truth and not budge to hold onto perceived need. This is what I am invited to be. I see the deep sense of loyalty and commitment in the other, but it’s not toward Self…it’s outwardly focused…huge reflection for me.

So that particular mirror is not reflecting what my soul is yearning to express now, it’s reflecting what I am not feeling to be right now.

So this is the question I have emblazoned within…Is this me? and the only answer is feeling for my own core vibration in it all…no more compromise of who I am…and that is moment to moment…pulling it all in. Let’s see what unfolds from there.

You express that so well Jen.
When I ask that question "who am I?" The next question is always "well whos asking" which then makes me laugh.
I say its a fundamental question to ask, no one knows the answer.
Be wary of anyone who says they do.
It a question for you and you only to explore.
Im taking alot from what you said! "The courage to be yourself no matter what!" Major goosebumps happening!
Go for it and dont let anyone stand between you and your freedom to express who you truelly are.
Thats true commitment right there

.Jen's picture

hey Zac! You know I really love your energy ...the authenticity, whether its in the pits of density or tap dancing through with what feels like zaps of spontaneous multicolored lights...it's really an experience I enjoy witnessing...so thank you for being you!!

yeah! I appreciate the reflection...and the gusto behind it!

Is this me...feels like a naturally arising urge to bring all expression in line with what feels authentically "me"....noone can really stand in the way of that unless I let them....which I do in some areas...this energy builds though and the more "i" hold the river back, the stronger it wants to come through. There doesn't feel like there is really any stopping it.

Jen x

Thanks Jen!
I hit some major highs and lows relative to some but that's how I roll, its the maddest ride eva!!!
It may seem extreme to some but put it this way, it aint boring.
As long I dont get stuck or attached to the role its fresh and I was taught that long ago. The same rule always applies, all I have to do is stay present (keep out of it otherwords) and the flow of consciousness my existance is will handle the rest.
Its when people get identified to their role and try to force an outcome I see them get in trouble.
The outcome of this world is of no consequence. Eternity is ETERNITY.
I see it as a cosmic game of hide and seek and some you win some you lose. But I say again, eternity is eternity!
And to quote a line from one of my favourite movies:
"In the world of kung-fu, speed determines the winner"

.Jen's picture

Ever feel like you want to run from it all.... Just fly off like a bird and never come back? I feel like that right now... Tired of engaging and feeling how to be in it....part of me is experiencing frustration around being a mother and what that means...i can't get away from it...and I realize I drew it to me to grow and learn but so much of it doesn't feel like me.

So, how to continue to engage with the kids and release myself from the limitations I feel around being a mother ... Surely I can fly while engaging here.... But I do feel that strong urge to get out as its all very dense and tight.... And yet that's just my reflection.

erica r's picture

Hi Jen,

Yes I know that all too well. A shift that occurred within was the perception of defining the role I played. I have come to see my role as a mentor and guide within this realm towards my sons thus emotionally and mentally allowing more of where I am at different points in time to evolve into a more aligned sense of beingness that feels right.

Now, I feel very grounded within the creation of the "home" that's created like a nest where the nurturing is easy. Boundaries come to mind. I had to let go of the imposed ideas that I became conditioned to operate within that felt unnatural when I had all the ideas associated of what a mother should be. Yes, I play the role of a mother but do I define the role and allow my rays of beingness to shine through or does the role define my experience? It's just a different stage to dance upon. I am ok if my sons feel the realities of this world, it's why they are here as well. Protection comes to mind.

I recently expressed how the Openhand retreats have embraced the cosmic being, as we all speak the same language. Going back to the time we were on the pier experiencing soul motion, aware of the ocean and the rising sun, all the life flowing. It was so amazing to let go of words so briefly as we all were being. Each of us accountable for our own energy and the expression through the body as we moved simultaneously yet independently. Then back into the confines of three D reality.... I understand there is no fault, it is a moving caging reality that us birds zoom out from yet our human vessels are grounded within. It's real to experience that challenge.

I had a realization last night as I have been contemplating much, how difficult it is to return once we are set free.... Then the thought, I chose to come here(earth). I may choose not to come back but I may choose to come back to experience the challenge within the density, to have experiences through the human senses... is amazing while simultaneously tragic but truly those are just words that each has a free will to experience as each reference points are different.

Much love to you Jen

Hi Jen

You can find a flow with the kids that's sacred and connected but it would be about honouring what feels right in each moment - not sticking to schedules, ticking all the boxes to perfect motherhood. Are you able to bring the kids with you on this journey - can you free-wheel with them, do you wake up with nothing in the agenda? I only ask because the only way I can be with my children is to take each day as it comes and the more we journey together the flow deepens around and within our connections - this way i don't feel like a mum anymore just part of this movement together.

.Jen's picture

Hi Erica and Katie,

So good to connect with you here and thank you each for your wise words.

I continue to grow in acceptance of each of my children's paths...constantly letting go of the need to be the role of mother versus a guardian at this stage...and yet I know that there are still levels of control that arise.

What I feel frustration around is that part of me doesn't feel right at all in this capacity of "mother". There are areas that I have yet to get it quite right in how to not control, but still set boundaries. It's a work in progress...like you mentioned, about the experience of soul motion we shared, where we three were in our experience, shared, yet individual.

Yes, part of me, just wants to zoom way out and not even engage in all of the drama at all...but similar to what you said Erica, I am here in this to engage and certainly to claim some aspects of me buried in this dynamic.

Katie - yes, you are right, this is what feels true and right. I look back at the program I loaded them up with when they were little...plan, plan, plan, playdates, schedules, lots of friends, always something to do, do, do... strange looking back on that time and what made me be that way. These days it is quite different - much more space in the day, less plan, more open to what comes up. This was hard for me at first as I felt I was suppose to be the "activities director" and the "creator of novel childhood experiences" hahaha. The trouble I find is that I feel stuck here...I am use to being able to head off to walk or go to the beach, but noone wants to go anywhere - they just want to play here in the house all day...and it's loud and chaotic and making me a bit nuts =)! Sounds like I have some stuff to work on!!
In particular, the need to get out, to escape the noise but also to escape the seeming mundane and to fill time. Feeling like this is inviting me to see and work with my distractions.

I have not free wheeled with them...you know what though, I am going to see how I might approach this...something to explore!

There is also an element of compromise that we all have to practice as it's rare that four people all feel the same and want to engage the same way at that moment.

I will work on these things ladies - thank you for your lovely replies. I am so grateful and so happy to hear that you have been able to be in this in a way that feels right...it's very reassuring.

With love,

Dont forget Jen being a mum fits under the banner of 'no matter what' too.
I certainly cant relate but I can relate to having to do things which dont fit under the banner of me, I just do what the universe requires of me regardless of peoples opinions including my own.
You supported me 'no matter what'which is more than I can say for others! You saw through the exterior and now so do I with you.
Smash this mother role out, you got this but never define yourself to it. Im cheering you on from the sideline friend.
No matter what ; )

Open's picture

Yes indeed! We have to let go of such definitions - such judgments - as 'father', 'mother'. They're just suits of armor, constraining who we are.

But letting go of the definition doesn't mean we loose the truthful committed compassion at the heart of it. The truthful way of being is what remains.

Yes others will struggle at first. But we don't have to struggle!

Open Smile

.Jen's picture

Hey Zac and Open,

Ahhh yes! It is so amazing to have the truth reflected back ... To not be supported in distortion.. Thank you!!! And yes this absolutely fits under "no matter what" as well! Smile

Of course yes, who here wants to escape and get out of the circumstances? But, the truth in it is letting go of where this mother identity is acting... It's challenging when the family has become accustomed to it all. I see in this expression a yearning to strip away what is not real in this as it no longer feels tolerable within to be managing, directing, controlling.

Dreamt last night that I was riding an elevator at mock speed ... It was completely clear ... I arrived at an airport where I discovered I had no passport and no ID and thought I won't be able to travel and yet I witnessed others being able to travel without their ID....perfect support of what we are saying here.... Traveling without ID!

Much love,

.Jen's picture

Set out on a journey to Ireland today... Landed in a hotel in North Carolina for the night =)... Not what was expected for sure! What an adventure it has been to just embrace it all... Floating in the sky in a holding pattern (yes recognize that pattern) and yet why is that happening... In the midst of it, all I could feel was total okness with the holding pattern and a recognition of its purpose... the opportunity to experience... So many rich connections today... Hundreds of people not able to go where they thought today... All waiting in line to find their connection or their bags and I found myself not waiting for anything, just connecting where I was... So many meaningful moments shared! So much joy!

What struck me most was witnessing the shared beauty of acceptance within everyone I engaged with... We were all just here in this place together and connecting beyond the seeming problem of being stuck somewhere we didn't plan on. There was just this shared experience and an opportunity to be here. Somehow there is just pure joy ...and how funny I am on my way to meet Kim and I meet another Kim with whom I have the most beautiful shared moments with... The Universe just blows my mind! After we skirted the storms, a brilliant rainbow appeared out the plane window and just felt like pure magic.

This song played today and I wanted to share as it just vibed so beautifully with what I am feeling and how it was floating up high!

Maybe tomorrow... Ireland Smile

Open's picture

Ahhh - warms my heart Jen.
Thanks for sharing.

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Hi All,

There has been a reticence to write as it feels like it will disperse the energy I am feeling so writing without getting lost in how it sounds etc...just what is coming up...I am realizing how often I turn off and go into a sleepy place of disengagement. I have also realized that I often get identified with feeling...whether that is a blissy warm bath of inner love or a tight contracted smallness. I see now where I have been and am seeing how I am not that, but can allow it all to flow through, feel it but not be lost in it. Seems obvious,,,but there is a subtle shift inside. Oh my god, the waves of just warmth are indescribable...I feel I am on an adventure - tonight a date with myself - I feel magic in the air.

Abandonment is a word I am exploring...when I breathe into my heart I feel the deepest ache ...I see the fear of that experience in every moment that I engage with others...I see the abandonment of Self that happens instead...the anxiety I have been feeling is coming to be seen as suppression...becuase of this fear. I realize it's in the moment that I can confront this - it's the most challenging place for me...I may as well be walking on physical nails. And yet, I feel this strength in me...a part of me that's always been there and expressed comfortably when I was a child but now is held back. So, onward in this journey...love to you all here. <3

.Jen's picture

Bubbles....pop! Eventually... Denial only brings it to a more destructive shift. I am in this... There is a massive bubble in my solar plexus... Synchronistically today I went to a little cafe called Sweet Peas and there was mommy and me yoga going on and bubbles floating in the air for the little ones to enjoy... Ironic realizing now that I was there with my own mother and remembering the waitress telling me how she loves to use Zorbs which are big clear bubbles you can climb inside of and roll around.

Feeling into this bubble .. It presses out into my ribs and fills the entire middle of my body....I feel an ache in my sacrum and heart, tightness in my jaw and throat. I realized this bubble is everything I am holding on to.. Protecting it from popping. I see a girl inside holding this bubble and giving it energy, just little bits... Enough to keep it going. There is a ton of stuff in there and the pressure is growing. What a jumble...life keeps handing me the pin and somehow I keep swallowing it and avoiding the pop, but it's popping anyway in my physical health, in my emotional state, in my mental clarity. That's how it seems anyway. Tuning in.... Vulnerability arises and an invitation to be completely honest... Seeing how selfish this feeding of little bits is...

What am I truly resisting?
Rawness of feeling abandoned, alone, left behind, not included

When I contemplate the step toward what I am resisting I feel the truth in it... I look up and 3:33 is on the clock.

All life seems to be inviting now is complete honesty ... What a challenge it is.

Thank you for allowing the space to share here... It just feels good to express this right now. Love, jen

.Jen's picture

An aspect inside wants to shut down...it is strong and it has been acting within for such a long time. Just wants to cut off, "not care", toughen up and don't show anyone how you really feel. Though in this I also feel the Soul keeping it open, knowing that every place I seek for external validation is a place I am disempowered and yet, it doesn't serve me to close down either. So I share today to continue to work with this...I know that I am somewhat on my own right now...and that brings tears, but I know it's also not true and that being in the "lone space" is the place of connection to the all of it inside.

All of life is encouraging me to open, to be intimate with all of life, with all of me. To BE SEEN and to TRUST in myself...two directional flows one into the protective unseen unloved unfulfilled - the other to just soften through, though it feels more like a firey hell then a soft cushiony place...and that is just how it is isn't it? On this side of what scares us the most, on this side of patterning that is so ingrained that it feels like it would take the force of the Universe to come through it.

Everything is moving in, coming closer than I feel conmfortable with...the frogs, the fish, the squirrels, the birds and they are saying Embrace yourself, be HONEST about who you are, TRUST it is enough to navigate through whatever fire, whatever choppy seas.

It can't be just words though..I have KNOWN this...one thing I can say is I am not distracting myself from it and I am feeling the fuillness of how heavy it is to disappear. I share here only to not play games with it...to not shut down or disappear.

Much love to you all here and for the space that's held.

Deep gratitude,

PS .. Synchronicity showing me perhaps there is truth in disappearing... Who is disappearing? Also the sharing may be distancing me from the rawness of the feeling... Containment feels important now... Perhaps it is time to be with the energies without dissipating in conversation. <3

auntyangel's picture

I hear you. You have come to mind and heart recently. Before being on the site or reading this just now.
I see you. I felt the same Being behind me as you and we sat next to each other without exchange or sharing or working together in the studio in the summer but we cried the same tears. Beyond the sharing and before the sharing. That connection. That connection feels like a thread. A knowing and a happening from beyond the chatter where there is no need for Will to hold. You touch me there. Whatever you are/ I am, there was already a place where i am with you. You, we, all that is, are not alone - within this emptiness. Xxxx

.Jen's picture

Thank you Dear Jane... There are so many tears the screen is blurry .... It feels like a voice from a distant place reached out through space and time to both feel more of the ache and to just add a little sparkle to my heart and I thank you... With love, Jen

Trinity's picture

I understand that one - wanting to shut down, be tough and not show how you feel... because you an empath and you feel EVERYTHING.

You are going to unleash the incredible light of your soul, and your incredible purpose with it - by staying open.
Sending loads of love Jen!

.Jen's picture

Dear Trinity... yes... stay open. So much is arising just from not desensitizing in one form or another. Feeling and working with every single tightness that arises. Thank you <3 Jen

divinespark's picture

Jen! SiStar!

I applaud your courage for expressing and speaking out when it feels safer to retreat, hide, and disappear. I know that feeling well. It's not easy when one feels so vulnerable. I can't tell you how many times I've experienced similar feelings and how many times in my life that I did disappear and fade away, feeling like I was bound with my mouth taped shut. I still don't find it easy to stand, express, be out there and visible. It's a constant process of emerging from the shadows into the light. I've learned so much from all your sharings and beautiful vulnerability. Thank you.

Keep shining,

Much Love,


Fiona Reilly's picture

Hi Jen,

Again you express so beautifully and vulnerably, it is now me that has the blurry screen through wet eyes.

I just wanted to say thank you, yet again what you share is a strong mirror and touches me deeply. I am with you.

With much love and gratitude,


.Jen's picture

Dear Cathy and Fiona,

Feeling the threads of connection with you both is so incredibly heartwarming. There is so much that we all share isn't there? Vulnerability yes it's probably my self perceived great "weakness" that when embraced is great strength... in person it's not easy for me and I am sure many others as well... Hey but I know what I am working with and there are infinite opportunities to work with it Smile

Just a little story to share... Months ago I picked up these patio pavers that I found on the side of the road. They stayed in my car for a while, then made it to the garage and there they have sat untouched for months. Suddenly today I felt the urge to paint and the pavers popped up as a medium. So I sit here now just painting two pavers ...HOME and FLY. Literally engaging with this heavy concrete and letting them transform into beautiful stepping stones in the garden... This is the potential of being with the heaviness... The beauty that unfolds through it.

Big love to you all,

.Jen's picture

Feeling incredibly vulnerable of late and super sensitive - not able to handle much in the way of confrontational direct energy. I am finding it very difficult to relate to people - and I find myself isolating and cocooning a bit. Relational patterns are arising in greater frequency, highlighting areas where I get stuck. Much of what is arising seems to be around people suggesting what I should do, giving me advice or my perception of the other having an agenda or seeking to prove something to me. I see I do this as well especially with my children and I recognize that much of what I am drawing is coming from the energy of looking for/needing answers from outside, lacking trust in the Divine. These situations that are triggering me feel energetically very spiky and intrusive and set off massive fight or flight inside to the point I can't breath or think clearly and I feel like I am pulled into a spinning vortex of intense sensation- It seems the only way through this is to obviously work on what is drawing the circumstances in the first place and to stay with and contain the sensations in the moment even if that means there is just total apparent social awkwardness. When I meditate on this I feel an intense but silent warrior energy inside of me... It's a very tangible energy and feels like one way of being in respond to the energy I speak of.

Open's picture

I'm feeling for you Jen - a challenging time, yes.

On a recent facilitator gathering in Glastonbury, we could feel the field shifting strongly. It's as though the very bedrock is becoming pliable. Maybe you're feeling this in relation to your personal circumstances.

Sending love

Open Give rose

.Jen's picture

Hey Open - thanks for the feedback.... Always so valuable to see aspects of a bigger picture reflected in the personal. Things feel lighter today... But I did notice that things peaked around a sense of being contained and pressurized ... Through some feeling in and allowing the fear, anger, and frustration to surface, how I am being is coming through differently .... It feels like there is much more to go, but for now there is a greater sense of freedom flowing.

Much love,

.Jen's picture

Whoa I have felt seriously challenged this week to rise to the occasion and speak for myself... To make a clear boundary and to confront a very difficult situation.... I had amazing support to do so and feel very empowered in coming through it yet still some uneasiness around how it is received. The overriding feeling though is one of empowerment. Just so grateful for the integrity and clarity of the Openhand energy and the way Openhand the organization and people carry themselves... Never quite realized just how special that is until now.... A million thanks for all you are!!!

Open's picture

How did your boundary experience play out Jen?
I'd be fascinated to hear.

.Jen's picture

Open's picture

I just love the synchronicity of "work in progress Jen" - the website only captured your title. Your connectivity must have timed out!

Open Give rose

.Jen's picture

Yes ... Just three words and you get the gist of it!! Smile

A bit more of what I shared....
Last week the universe paired me up with a travel buddy on route to a training I attended... She shared so many qualities with me but also reflected a version of me with clear boundaries and no problem speaking up for herself. In addition she was more receptive and quiet than me in areas that helped me see my own assertiveness, decisiveness and great sense of humor (LOL!)

There were multiple occasions where I spoke up for myself within the context of the training relating to perceptions about empaths as well as a strong need within half the group to hug, touch, take away people's feelings. These were not easy but I felt compelled to speak up and felt tremendous support to do so... I was shaking and my throat wanted to close down but my voice came from deep within strong and steady.

I did find a limitation within myself though regarding boundaries and this came down to how I respond when there is a mixture of connection and intrusion (verbally and physically containing an overly intimate energy). There was no getting lost in this nor did I reciprocate the energy in any way directly. I spoke up at one point saying that the intensity of the energy was too intense and to give me more space. However there was a general sexualized energy made as jokes toward the group and to me directly and in the moment I mainly contained it and basically accommodated it. Only after I left did I feel how I truly felt from the encounters... Everything thawed out and rushed up to the surface. I was able to confront it then with those involved and have processed a ton this past week related to my own over accommodation due to fear of loss of connection to something in the external world. I have also found difficulty in grounding fully and realized I have been carrying a deep sense that Gaia rejects me and doesn't want me to be here... That is beginning to unravel as I realize that I am the one rejecting the connection, not fully landing here and not wanting to be here. For as long as I can remember, being alive carried a sick, unfulfilling, disconnected feeling from which I would like to escape. And here is the crux of it... I can't escape and if I continue to not fully land then I am disconnected from myself and unable to make clear boundaries and unable to be in it and not of it. So I am working with embracing being here.

Since I wrote this earlier today ... With the synchronistic loss of connection... I went rollerblading, hit a small rock and went flying in the air and landed really hard on my butt.... Searing pain went up my entire spine to my head.... There were many offers of support but I didn't accept any of them as I didn't feel like I needed any help... I felt confused why I am experiencing being slammed on the ground from the tiniest of obstacles. I got in the car and the song "lean on me" was playing on a channel called "the dove" with "rock" for type of music. Still not clear about this but feels about connecting to the support that is there for me. I'd like to "get this one" as its getting more painful here... Though I am much more attentive and present in the body now that it's hurting.

Fiona Reilly's picture

Thanks for sharing Jen,

Well done on speaking up for empaths, not easy Smile I can appreciate what you say about the boundaries, it's so important not to allow others to intrude, I love that you asked for more space.

You seem to be having many powerful realisations, I appreciate you being here, how you work with stuff and your sharing Give rose

What stood out for me in the last paragraph is that you didn't accept any of the support offered, I just felt to reflect that back to you. Something also about the contrast between the dove and the rock. I'm sure it will become clearer for you...

With love and big hugs, Fiona

Open's picture

Thanks for sharing Jen - beautiful Smile

Of course one of the great challenges of being an empath, is getting lost in the energy of people and surroundings - as you well know <3

When you said...

    "I got in the car and the song "lean on me" was playing on a channel called "the dove" with "rock" for type of music.

The words "Twin Flame" jumped out really strongly for me in this. Maybe it's about really finding and integrating the sense of Twin Flame here and now - seeing it all around and embodying it fully. That might help ease the pain of dissolving into the world.

Wishing you well

Open Give rose

.Jen's picture

Hey Fiona - thank you for your sweet encouragement and support <3!

Yes, your comment helped me see a little something about the rock...something about my feeling of always having to be a rock...sure and steady and solid -how this is part of little "i" identity as these sure, steady, solid qualities are only illusions anyway and the need to be that is "tripping me up". There is something about allowing others to support without becoming dependent...letting go of needing to have it all together without becoming too influenced by others or situations. There is a balance that I have not yet found and some kind of truth in the solidity, inner assurance without rigidity that I am playing with. I feel that energy inside myself and how positively people respond to it..it's a certain kind of fire rather than the water/wind I usually feel.

The dove is really helpful for me as well as it is on the cover of a book I recently read and i have been tuned into their sound more recently.

Thank you Fiona!


.Jen's picture

Thank you Open...Connection has been a big theme for me lately. I noticed my computer connection needed to be completely upgraded lately...new modem and a loose wire in the power cord. I replaced the cord only to get another one with the same problem...so I see I have not resolved this inside myself. I find I don't always pick up on the expanded sense of things when I am in the company of people or chatting...I zoom in too far and miss the subtleties.

I will keep working with it...thank you Open <3

Love, Jen

Fiona Reilly's picture

Hey Jen,

Thanks for sharing. These words jumped out for me as part of my own process "allowing others to support without becoming dependent." This is certainly something that I have been working with, accepting support when it is right to do so, though not having expectations of others either. There is a fine balance to work with between being ultra independent and so somewhat closed off (as I sometimes tend to be, maybe that's similiar to the rock) and being dependent and/or expectant of others. I've noticed that when I am requiring support and can remain open, the Universe provides and I am given exactly the support I need, often in ways I wouldn't have predicted or even imagined.

Let that fire burn Wink

With love, Fiona

Marye's picture

Hi Jen,

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to a lot of the things you shared, particularly boundaries, connection and having to be a rock! So thank you for putting it out here on the forum for me to resonate with!



.Jen's picture

Hi Fiona and Tulip... I feel there is more here to open to. What is it that creates the need to be so independent, to be a rock and for me at times unable to receive. Some of it is being resistant to becoming dependent/getting lost in others flow. For me it is becoming clear that deep inside I feel I am a burden... That even those who love me, even benevolent guidance, Gaia, any etheric or physical "friends" actually don't have room for me and my "job" is to be as small and unproblematic as possible. This identity has created a view of being a problem, of not being truly worthy of being loved unless I am easy to be with. And yet, that doesn't suit who I am or even feel like me at all ...It's in complete conflict with how I actually feel to relate to people, to the world, within; though it is coloring the way I relate all the time. It's hard to touch the feeling of this as it feels like as soon as I touch it, it vanishes and I am distracted to a sense of blankness... No feeling, no thought. Much more to explore here- thank you all for vibing with me! And yes Fiona I love what you said about the Universe providing when you remain open and of course receptive to that support! I would be curious to hear about your experiences around needing to be a rock or self sufficient or not open to receiving support if you would like to share Smile

Much love,

Michelle Boyle's picture

Ahh Jen, never a burden... not ever... you are a gift, a blessing, you bring beautiful truth and energy. You are perfect, how could you not be and the world is ready to embrace you.

I relate... I recently found myself looking at an aspect of myself who was younger, ashen, hiding under a hood and behind a tree, meagre and scared and as I looked deeply into this aspect of myself, my heart welled with compassion, I listened, felt and nurtured before she would come out from behind the tree. She started to trust that I was honouring her, and she started to feel heard, seen and safe, she took a tentative step forward; we embraced and she wanted to re-integrate, to become whole again and to do that I had to make some promises, I had to promise to nurture, love and embrace myself as the beautiful being that I am, to be gentle, compassionate, lighter...
And she integrated, beautiful, emotional, true. She came with a rabbit which was gentle and wanted to be loved and cared for. Remembering to honour my promise took a little while to become natural and so I would synchronistically see rabbits when I needed a nudge and a reminder. This integration and new way of being opened up flow, deeper connection and an inner strength. Embracing a wounded aspect of me; bringing love, nurturing and acceptance. I didn't fully understand where it stemmed from I just honoured and embraced the feeling.

Thank you so much for your post. I relate so much to what you have shared, with the empathy and wanting to help people and finding the boundaries within that. Feeling the pain of others and trusting when it feels 'right' to help and how to do that (especially as I am training in a healing practise at the mo) and practicing centering to flow with intuition in the moment with that. But it feels as though it is all starting to land.

The shot of pain that seared up your spine stands out for me. To me the energy of it felt re-connective somehow. A jolt, jumpstart maybe...

My kids are struggling at the mo, processing around the loss of their Dad is starting to come up. So tough watching them go through this aspect of their journey, feeling their pain and surrendering to it.
Recently my Son got physical and I ended up with an injury to my shin. It was the greatest blessing, I felt to look up the metaphysical meaning and it talked about not having fully grieved and not moving forward fluidly, it showed me a situation which I was able to let go of which was not serving. Creating space for this to unravel and ever since, help and support have started to flow in Smile

I love the lightness and energy of the dove, feels like a beautiful free vibration. Thank you so much for sharing, for all that you are and all that you bring.

Winging over love and deep compassion for unravelling

Michelle x

.Jen's picture

Dear Michelle,

Your words come through as waves of feeling..thank you for your touching sharing, relating and experience - it is so beautiful and heart warming. Even hearing the words, "you are not a burden" are challenging to let in...I hear the tough exterior of me say, Yes, I know I am not a burden, but the softer part tuned into authentic inner feeling receives that and has a hard time believing it...reminds me of that scene in Good Will Hunting that has been shared on this site before.

When I fell I reflected on how I hadn't scraped my hands like this since I was a kid...that burning hot, scraped up feeling that happens when you are trying new things, falling, getting up and trying again. Just a couple days before this my youngest son was teaching me how to skatebaord and encouraging me to try his ripstick..which is a skateboard with only two wheels that requires a lot of balance and a movement through the hips. I was so scared to lift my right foot off the ground, because I didn't want to fall and he just said..."it's ok if you fall mom". When you said the word "jolt" I laughed a little as I am wearing a pair of pants today with the word Jolt written on the label. It did in fact feel like a wake up call...I fell really hard on the ground but actually with very little injury (falling on the cushiest part of my body haha)...I thought I might feel jarred and out of alignement but oddly although my bottom is sore, the rest of me feels loose and fine. There is a fear of falling/failing that holds back my full expression and this fall also showed me so much about that as well. Thank you for sharing about what is happening for you and how you worked with the injury to your shin...it's helped me be more open to receiving the messages of this fall.

Yes, I relate to what you share about this disowned aspect as I have many dreams of a young boy I left behind in the forest - I disown him, or at times I realize I left him behind too long and I find him emaciated, sad and lonely. I see the part of me that doesn't allow access to this - it's a protective layer that may have served a purpose at one point. I feel there is an invitation to bring more awareness and openness to this armoring, to let it step aside so that this sensitive, yet wounded aspect can integrate. It does feel that all of this is moving closer...embracing it all.

When I was in the training that I went to, it wasn't me who was wanting to take people's pain away, it was people in the group wanting to take away mine until I had to say out loud, "I am ok with the pain, I welcome it and allow myself to feel it so that I can move through it"...but I also see a refelction in what you shared in that subtley inside there is a part of me that protects this feeling of being a burden - that deflects and whites out the feeling whenever it arises. This showed up as others trying to protect me from the feeling. I tend to err on the side of not stepping in at all...being a bit cold and what you said here is something I am feeling out as well... "Feeling the pain of others and trusting when it feels 'right' to help and how to do that (especially as I am training in a healing practise at the mo) and practicing centering to flow with intuition in the moment with that." Clearly allowing the full feeling of the authentic feelings that exist under the protective layer is essential..and to allow this disowned aspect of me to come back home.

I love your experience with the rabbits! I have a special blue stone rabbit and a red glass cardinal that I keep with me that remind me of aspects of myself...gentle & sensitive, and free to express who I am, show up in full color and let the Soul be the compass. These animals encourage greater embodiement of who I am.

Sincerest thanks for your willingness to share all of this and for your beautiful energy Smile

Much love,

Fiona Reilly's picture

Hi Jen and Michelle,

I don't have much time just now as on my way to host a women's midwinter retreat. I just wanted to thank you both for your deep sharing, I am touched. I feel you both and send lots of love. I will light a candle for you in our circle and feel connected.

Btw Jen your question helped greatly, Will share more when get chance.

With much love, Fiona xx

.Jen's picture

Beautiful Fiona - thank you for bringing us into the cirlce with you and what is sure to be a lovely women's retreat!

So, today I spent some amazing time in nature in silence...the vibration was just astounding...crystallized sparkling, crisp, the sound and feel of it sparkling within me. I could only hear the little movements of birds moving around on the tree branches and leaves as they fell to the ground. How different it is to walk by myself (as much as I enjoy the company of friends) it is an alltogether different feeling. I sat for quite sometime at a crossroads where the walking path and the horses path meet and kept feeling and hearing the sense of a stallion toward me in the corner of my left eye...just outside the place where the physical eye could focus. so powerful and radiant a feeling

I am finding new nimbleness, fluidity, responsiveness in my legs and hips as I play with my son's two wheel skateboard...I am getting it!!! Some things I noticed that are brought out by playing with this way of moving in the world....I have to ground strongly into my left foot and leg on the board before I bring the right foot off the ground and place it on the board as well. I have to move slowly at first and just find balance...when I am really present and sensitive, then I can "duck and swerve" a bit if I begin to fall off or the board slides out from under me. It's taking some practice to find the movement in the hips and feet...there is a special kind of leaning in and out of each foot and it's not very natural yet...I DID get it once and it felt like riding a wave...so cool!!!! Learning so much with this exploration!!

Love to you all!

Michelle Boyle's picture

Dear Jen,

I have been drawn to crosses / crossroads too. Reading your sharing I had a sense of you sitting at the centre with energies flowing in and out, across and through. For me I recently saw two aeroplane trails crossing over reflected in my car window and another cross reflected in water. It felt poignant that the crosses were directly above me, 'x' marks the spot, the centre, the here and now and also reflective that the 'x' was a reflection both times, the centre flowing from above and reflecting below, through the different dimensions, a point in space and time. Then it dropped in about the flows of the divine masculine and divine feminine too, crossing over, finding the balance, and for me right now how I am being invited to bring in and flow through the Divine Feminine, 'xx', flowing more gently, gracefully and deeply... nurturing, feeling, healing and balancing...

There is an orange street light on day and night, right outside my house at the mo too, the universe reminding me to shine the light on and through the sacral.

I felt the balance of masculine and feminine reflected through your boarding experience; centring/grounding with your left foot and bringing the right foot to join it - beautiful <3 Riding the wave, awesome!!

Going back to the young boy you sometimes dream of, I was reminded of a tool that I sometimes use and wonder if you have come across it: Whereby you re-enter/journey into a dream from a meditative place and shine light and awareness on it.... open your heart to it.... and open to what is being invited. Just felt to share <3 as I have been where you are with regard to the challenge of letting words of love and kindness come in.

With an expanded heart full of love and connection

Michelle xxx

.Jen's picture

Dear Michelle,

I love the way you describe these crossroads...especially the "centre flowing from above and reflecting below, through the dimensions, a point in space and time". You perceive in a way that I relate too - thank you for sharing these insights!
The horse has been speaking to me strongly since I sat at the meeting place of horse and human. That night my daughter and I watched a film called "Windstorm" about a dark horse that would not be contained, whose wild spirit was untamable. In the story a free spirited young girl who can attune to and communicate with the horse forms a special bond with the animal through feeling and shared internal images there is a resonance and a dance that allows them to journey together. In the movie, four aspects needed to be developed before she could even begin to ride with the horse...Balance, Coordination, Rhythm and Perseverance...which all speak of being very much rooted in the body and finding fluidity in all of it - allowing a deeper sense of connection multidimensionally.

You mentioned a tool to re-enter the dream I have of the young boy. It's great that you mention that as I was recenly drawn to a book on my shelf that I read years ago called "Dreaming the Soul Back Home". It suggests a method like you spoke of above. I have at times explored this boy within meditation as I have found him behind a big ballon in my solar plexus and when I let the air out of the balloon, he was there slumped under a tree...when I spoke to him and asked what he needed he expressed that he wanted to love me if I would let him. Lately the "purple heart" has been coming up...in fact it was the reason my inital post about boundaries (above) wouldn't go through - because there was a purple heart emoji that doesn't let the message come through. (And as I say that perhaps that's what won't allow your message of "not being a burden" to be completely allowed in...the purple heart is given by the US military when wounded in service.) Yesterday I was at a restaurant and attention was drawn to a man carrying a purse and then I noticed his purple jacket that said Order of the Purple Heart and then another separate man with a t-shirt on that said "wounded warrior project" - with a tattoo of a blue bird on his arm. Your sharing and refelctions have been immensely supportive and I will be exploring more deeply what I am being shown...more about the wounded and disowned masculine within and the dance of feminine and masculine energies on many levels.

Deep gratitude and big love to you,

.Jen's picture

I wonder do any of you feel like you have to be super strong all the time? I don't want to be, it's exhausting...it feels like if I am not right on top of everything, super focused and hyper vigilant then I get underneath the world and it just swamps me, beats me down. The other alternative is lifting up the anchor and sailing off into lala land LOL. Lately I have been really working with being grounded and what that now brings is awareness of the pain I am carrying around...just heaviness, meaninglessness, confusion, not wanting to be here, not wanting to deal with all these boundary issues, not wanting to feel like I am in a constant battle. I notice my shoulders are constantly rising and caving in around my heart...there is so much tightness in my shoulders. When I place my hands on them and breathe deeply, I feel a sorrow and a burden deep below the surface that I don't seem to have complete access to. Seeking some balance...I have been drawn more into practicing yoga again and more soul motion which is all helping to stay connected to the body, feel the tightness, but connect to the lightness as well. It's a delicate dance to feel it all and not get sucked completely into blahhhhh. I wonder what it would be like to be here, and let go of the need to be strong...feels like a lot of water behind that dam.

Trinity's picture

Dear Jen - just wanted to reach out to you here.

I spent a lot of my adult life feeling like I have to be super strong all the time. I can relate to your feelings 'it felt like there was a lot of water behind that dam'.

I think I picked this trait up from my Mother by example. She always 'held the fort' for us kids. I only ever saw her cry once my whole life (and that when I was 10 and said something really mean!). I'm different in that way - I don't mind crying. However, I used to have an unshakable feeling that if I stop being strong (or holding everything together), my whole world would fall apart.

So one day I just stopped needing to be strong. In a way, that's what I have been doing over the last three years.

For me it turned out that the only things that fall apart are the things that need realigning anyway. And that the water behind the dam - needed to find it's way back to the ocean after all! It turns out that when we stop needing to be strong, we finally come from a true place of strength.

Anyway, a few thoughts from my own journey.

with love

jolucy's picture

Yes I absolutely agree with what you say Trinity. Being strong can be so many things; not saying what you mean, making allowances, not showing your emotions, pleasing people, not making waves, walking on eggshells, putting up with stuff. And it's all around us, at work, at home, with partners, with children, on the bus, in the supermarket. But why do we do this? Sometimes I think we need to, with our children for example, but for the rest of the time it feels like we need to keep our masks strong and keep plastering over those cracks. Is that being true to who we are are? Is it reinforcing a false identity that we have created for ourselves?
Once we can allow our own truth to be shown, let our barricades fall, then there is nothing to keep up, nothing to maintain, we know our truth, there is nothing there, nothing yet everything.

Some of what we are keeping in can be negative stuff, but I think its also worth considering and practicing being true to our positive thoughts. Like how often do you see someone do something nice or someone who looks beautiful? And we keep it in, all to ourselves. Can you imagine if we voiced our positive vibes, how much sunshine that would bring to people!

It really could make all the difference Smile


.Jen's picture

Dear Trinity,

Thank you for sharing some of your journey as a reflection. I love what you said here "For me it turned out that the only things that fall apart are the things that need realigning anyway. And that the water behind the dam - needed to find it's way back to the ocean after all! It turns out that when we stop needing to be strong, we finally come from a true place of strength."

I feel and know the truth in that! I too witnessed my mother hold it all together as a single mom of two...fearing if she let in what she felt she wouldn't be able to keep it all together. I then watched as someone stepped in to "share the load" with her and how she stopped having soveriegnty in her life and seemed to like that - perhaps the relief of dropping the burden was a greater value than her own empowerment at the time. I see elements of these in me...when I feel into letting that go I have some fear around not knowing how to stay connected while letting go of holding it together - because when I let go of holding it together it feels like there will be complete chaos, that I won't be able to function and will be runover by life in general.

OK, as I feel more into that and the need to be strong, I realize there are various elements at play. A big one is that in the past when there has been a release of needing to be strong, there was also a release of boundary. When I release the boundary, in comes all the stuff that is pushing in around me flowing in to take the place of where I have stepped out of myself. That doesn't work for me anymore - huge messes ensue when I am not in a place of healthy boundaries, but the energetic barrier of needing to be strong is very tiring. That barrier is what is not needed but learning to work with all that comes through is a work in progress.

What I find is when I let it all in, I start to feel so full that I can't take one more thing...I feel like a cup that fills and never gets emptied until I explode or cut off from everything around me...I have been working with expressing more as things arise and using my breath, touch and connecting to the natural world to release any pent up stuff. In addition, feeling empowered to express helathy boundaries allows the ability to release the need to take everything on and be strong.

It seems like there is this place where I can let it all flow through unhindered and still have boundaries - I can see the layer of "needing to be strong" and how that can fall away without my falling into the outer edges of the tornado.

Thank you so much - this helped me see the threads of truth and distortion.

Lots of love,

.Jen's picture

Hi Jo and thank you for sharing your contemplation! Smile How true it is that acting strong is purely that - an act, a protection, a need of some sort. Somewhere in there we know our true strength and all that acting is an attempt to connect to what is authentic and naturally arising when we stop trying to be something. I love your sunnyness.

With love,

Marye's picture

Hi Jen,

I hear you loud and clear in your post on ‘finding balance’! As I read your post that resonated a lot, I felt inclined to respond, but didn’t immediately have the opportunity to do so. It was interesting to then observe myself in familiar patterns of procrastination in responding to your message. By the time I read your message there had been other messages on the forum that I resonated with and meanwhile there were new messages that I felt to respond to. Also in the meantime other people responded to your message, so I felt I somehow had to take their responses into account in mine too. So rather than just responding to your message, there is something in me that feels like it needs to respond to all at once and then when more things start piling up, the more daunting the thought of responding becomes. There seems to be some kind of internal ‘all or nothing’ programming, which so often drives me into procrastination, because if the ‘all’ seems to much to do at once, I get stuck in the ‘nothing’. I guess it actually relates to the ‘finding balance’ theme of your post and the following you wrote:
it feels like if I am not right on top of everything, super focused and hyper vigilant then I get underneath the world and it just swamps me, beats me down.
So here I am, only responding to your message and leaving my responses to any others aside.Let's see how that feels inside.....

Yes, I recognise the feeling of having to be super strong all the time and the feelings of heaviness, meaninglessness, confusion, not wanting to be here, not wanting to deal with boundary issues. And shoulders have always been a weak spot in my body, particularly the right one. Like you, I feel that there is a lot underneath the surface there, which I have only just scratched. Lately I have been trying to be more aware of the position of my shoulders as I have a tendency to hunch them and I have noticed that I when consciously push them backwards when I notice that I am hunching, it often feels like tension is starting to be unwound (which for me often comes with an urge to yawn). Yet at the same time the unwinding can sometimes feel a little too much and become uncomfortable, which is when my shoulders tend to want to hunch back to where they came from.

Funny that you concluded your post with ‘feels like a lot of water behind that dam’ around the same time that the Oroville Dam in California had a bit too much water behind it too ☺.

Thanks for sharing your flow of things with us!

Much love!


.Jen's picture

Hi Marije!

Thank you for sharing how you relate to what I am experiencing. Funny things is over the last few days the energy has totally changed! I feel beautiful waves of energy swelling up from the root (which i usually don't feel so much) and just a warm expansive sense of ahhhhhhhh... I feel in the body and yet totally fluid. This is even more so today... I notice some things like my typical support system here is gone and I have to say I love being, living in the experience of my capability and connection to support beyond the one I have perceived I need in life. Today I spent time with the trees, the ground, the water... Laying down on a sandy beach and feeling absolutely complete... Just luxuriating in the sense of the sounds, the sensations, moving slowly and feeling the deliciousness of the experience of it all. Maybe it's spring beginning to land here ... The warmth the birds but something feels very different energetically. I laughed when I saw that post about the dam as well Marije! Thank you for highlighting that for me!

I can relate to the "all or nothing" at times feeling something similar... For me it was something about obligation or getting it right - overdoing at times so that nothing got missed... Sometimes overextending to avoid the perception of leaving something or someone out.... I wonder how it felt for you to reply to the piece you felt to and not need to "do it all".

The shoulders are an interesting exploration for me... I have been playing with what it feels like when I allow the feeling of my shoulders rising and rolling in... What does that highlight for me? How do I feel about myself? About the moment? Then noticing how I feel and what arises when I bring them back down ... Something in me is getting activated and when I be with what is arising as my body wants to move I can touch that energy... Still working with it! It makes a lot of sense what you said about what comes up for you when you reverse that movement... The discomfort you feel in the unwinding...I imagine the movement toward contraction in the body is mirroring a need to contract around a particular feeling/ experience... Great that you can give yourself permission to back off when you need to!

Great to connect with you Marije!

With love,

Marye's picture

Hi Jen,

Thanks for your response. You asked ‘I wonder how it felt for you to reply to the piece you felt to and not need to "do it all’. As I read your question, the word that immediately came to mind is ‘unfulfilled’. And there is something about wasting my energy, like if I can’t do it all then any effort on it is just a waste of energy (easy to see where procrastination comes from). Interesting, I can feel there is more to be explored here, particularly around the feeling of unfulfillment.



.Jen's picture

Hi Marije!

Thank you for sharing as it is all a great reflection for me as well. Something to mention and if it doesn't resonate with you, then just let it ride on by =). The words "waste of energy" spiked for me in your sharing in relation to a sense of unfulfillment. So perhaps something to explore where there is a waste of energy... Where your energy is going and how that feels in relation to fulfillment. Those words spoke to me personally as well so thank you!! Xo Jen

Marye's picture

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the reflection back! There is definitely a resonance with where my energy is going in relation to fulfilment, although right now I can’t see yet exactly how. Something to do with investing my energy into things that don’t actually bring me fulfilment ….



.Jen's picture

Ahh yes I can relate to that... I am presentlly working with how much energy I spend managing people and how they are being but not being as attentive to how I am being. I sense a deeper commitment to "how do I truly feel to express" all the time is invited of me. What really makes my soul sing in this moment? When I align with that I find fulfillment is there as well. Love to you, Jen

.Jen's picture

Hey Marije! I just felt something when I re-read your post and wondered if there is ever the feeling of being a "waste of energy"? Maybe just something that relates to my own process but felt to share it with you. I am sure you will find the threads inside that speak to you. Much love on your journey, Jen

Marye's picture

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the further sharings! I am not sure I immediately resonate with ‘being a waste of energy’, however as I was reading your posts somehow the word ‘obligation’ came to mind in relation to our exchange here. And then as I reread one of your earlier posts and I realized you already alluded to that as well:
I can relate to the "all or nothing" at times feeling something similar... For me it was something about obligation or getting it right - overdoing at times so that nothing got missed

A lot of my ‘doing’ is related to a sense of obligation and I am not yet sure where the root of that comes from. It is like there is this pressure to fulfill my obligations and if I don’t it makes me feel unfulfilled. When I think about it sometimes my life just feels like one big obligation. For example, even here on the forum when people have responded to something I wrote, I feel this sense of obligation to reply to all of them, to say thank you, etc. and it makes me feel uncomfortable if I don’t. And this sense of obligation gets priority over how my soul feels to express, so only once I have fulfilled ‘my obligations’ (not often), is there really room for my soul’s expression.

So fascinating how the exchanges here can lead to constant new insights!

With love,


.Jen's picture

Hey Marije,

The way you are exploring and diving into what is arising for you, will surely unveil more and more of the beauty of you! Yes, I too find that sharing on the forums greatly facilitates self-realization!

Lots of love,

.Jen's picture

So I am having a powerful exploration with expression when it comes to the intellect. Some earlier child hood memories are arising around not wanting people to see me as intelligent...in fact pretending to not know anything. In grade school there was a point where I stopped contributing what I really thought and started to raise me hand and say things purposefully wrong or silly just to get a laugh... a way to control the sense of embarrassment I felt when I answered honestly but got laughed at...this way I could laugh along and not feel vulnerable about sharing the truth of how I saw things. That set up a long standing identity of not being very aware - that felt safe but false.

So immediatly following an exploration this week around what happens when an environment or person is stimulating an invitation to an intellectual sharing, I have gotten some great opportunities to see what is happening inside. What I have noticed is that I am very comfortable speaking from the place of emotion and feeling but as soon as my solar plexus is engaged, I feel very naked - exposed and then a feeling of caving in and as I am speaking I am watching myself speak and separating from the feeling in the solar plexus, separating from the words in a way that creates this vast space between me and the expression coming through.

So, as this is arising over the last few days, I noticed something else can happen here...there is a great SUPPORT in the solar plexus when I embrace that vulnerable feeling and don't separate from the expression by watching from a distance - but instead stay right with the flow of words as it is arising now. I have been noticing the immediate urge to jump out of focus when asked to share something of a non-emotional nature and tuning into the solar plexus I find a strength there that helps facilitate a clear, focused expression.

I will be working with this one - staying connected to physical, emotion, intellect. In a meditation the other night, it felt like I could sense three distinct vibes as I breathed through each layer.

All for now - feels good to share - helps me integrate.
with love all!

.Jen's picture

Having an interesting experience today getting more familiar with distraction. With a child home today, I set to study some material I am working on. It took a while just to get to the point where I was actually sittting down with it and ready to focus...i was allowing lots of random things to scatter my attention. As I began to focus, I found it near impossible...a man is here painting my kitchen and playing Jamaican music, my son is calling from his bedroom for something to eat, the dog won't stop barking because the man keeps coming in and out of the door. Frustration starts building and I find myself wanting to either stop studying or go outside where there is less noise. Neither of those feel right so I just stop, close my eyes and pay attention to what is going on inside. I see these distractions are a reflection of where I am letting my attention go inside...allowing all the little mice in my mind to pull me away from focusing my energy. As I sat with this and watched the impulses and urges arising inside - noticing how I have not been discerning about where my energy is going, becuase I have not been fully present with what is driving the mind...just literally moments into sitting with all of this, the external noises totally stopped...the man must have left for lunch, but the music was off, the dog was quiet, my son was off in his own space.

There is an element of procrastination when it comes to applying myself...there is a scattering happening in the mind that sends me off in mindless activities and then I just feel an intense pressure of time...guilt, ineffectiveness.

I am on this now...focus feels key.

Open's picture

I can totally empathise with what you're experiencing Jen. For some time, it's been important for me to tune into the guidance coming from higher realm (9th/10th/11th dimensions) as a way of life. Which is not at all easy in this very distracting 3D realm. I've learned to apply a shifting boundary, which increases and reduces attention in the 3D - it's like a dynamic filter and happens naturally.

As I experienced this developing, it did seem to contradict with being fully compassionately open to people in day-to-day life, in a 3D way. But then I realised it serves neither them nor me simply to be tuned into their programs. It actually serves very little but to enhance them!

After which, I became increasingly comfortable with the filter, which comes and goes, strengthens and wanes dependent on the situation and environment.

Maybe my reflection might help a degree.

Open Smile

.Jen's picture

Thank you Open for the reflection. Yes, I am working with finding a rightness in how I engage especially in immediate family dynamics. There is a gnawing responsibility I am carrying for my children's paths which is rooted in a lack of trust - it causes me to be overly engaged and controlling. So, I am watching myself in the dynamics and working to find a rightness in when to engage and when to hold the space and how intimately I do that. Lots of stuff comes up around that that I am working with. Thank you for the feedback - it's very helpful. <3 Jen

.Jen's picture

Hi guys! Sharing some things to bring some focus internally. I feel like I am circling and unable to find traction. There are powerful flows of energy through the body but a mantle of heaviness through my arms. I feel so much joy and lightness, connectedness, fluidity and at the same time feel frustration...all these ideas come - more a sense of productivity as an energy - it excites me and yet it feels like running on ice because nothing goes anywhere - it just stays inside me. So today I was driving and being with these feelings and saw the words "something missing" and asked yeah, what is that? and saw a big trailor truck with the words Horseless Carriage and felt yes, I feel behind the flow, I feel the horsepower is lacking and just then a car rear ends me while I am sitting at a red light, waiting to turn right...I had started to go but had to quickly stop as someone unexpectedly u-turned at the interesection and would have collided with me had I gone. The man got out of his car proclaiming oh yeah there's no damage to your vehicle. I insisted that I take a pciture of his insurance card all the same as there may be damage underneath the surface. Initially what I felt was a push forward - but also recognizing that it is some stuff underneath that is causing me to hesitate...perhaps the potential for collision with others...

ahhh - it just struck me that the man was reflecting the aspect of me saying "no I am totally good" and keeping up the strong exterior, while underneath there is more happening. I sense the programming and inner criticism of being lazy and slow and unproductive and the part of me that is pushing me forward - "you are FINE, get out there and make something, be something!" Intellectually I realize that is not aligned creation, but it's incredible seeing this pushy, inner perfectionist and how it feels to this softer side - what it does - how it distorts expression.

As I reflect... There are things that cause the aligned focus and forward motion to become stalled but there are also places that I am being pushed from within... Pressured to be or do something specific. So as the energy arises I tend to just start flinging the energy around... Into this and that ... Becomes a need to express the active energy inside and then a judgement of how I am wasting it. The experience seems to be inviting me to feel the energy and not act until something is clearly invited.

.Jen's picture

This has been a wild day...tonight I was sitting outside of starbucks sipping on some kava I brought with me and a man walks up from the parking lot.. we share a casual hello and then he decides to sit with me...just says "you look sparkly, I think I'll sit here " I forgot my daughter had put blue sparkles in the center of my forehead today. I am use to people approaching me and telling me stuff about themselves so I wasn't overly alarmed, though looking back it is weird that I didn't just say no - I want to sit here alone. I notice I was just watching it and waiting to see what is going on here, why this is happening - receptive to what it was showing me. At this point I notice he has a medical bracelet on and a tribal bracelet with a thunderbird on it...he also appears to be wearing medical pants. His conversation shifts into a more agitated place and my solar plexus starts to alert me that he is unstable. Then he starts to tell me he needs a ride somewhere and how his brother had him baker acted. He starts to play with a hairtie that was on his wrist and strangely I start to feel like he wants to put it on my throat. At that point I am putting stuff away and going inside to move away from him.

It all happened really fast, and though I moved once my solar plexus was informing me, I must have missed an earlier landing of what was going on there...clearly I noticed the medical bracelet and his affect was a bit off...but because I was waiting for a clear signal from the body I feel like I stayed too long. OMG I just realized something! Early in the conversation, he was saying he needed to get to this phone company and my attention was drawn to a yellow sign just behind his head that said Sprint! I totally missed it because I was waiting for a signal elsewhere in the body.

Open's picture

Wow - that's a phenomenal experience Jen - huge - well done for picking up the signs, even if you missed an earlier few.

It's so easy to make judgments about people - but we forget: it's also possible to make 'positive' judgments too!

Clearly you're doing great!

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

This past week I attended some breathwork training and lots came up.

We were asked to facilitate a partner with everyone else watching. Just the idea started to create a sense of panic, of being trapped, being observed and picked at... Part of me was working to stay centered and but the other part that was scared to death found its way through and there was the feeling of being experimented on, of being a subject- poked and prodded at and unable to leave - a strong feeling of not being in the right place, I don't belong here. Then came the feeling of ideas being placed in my head, programming, brainwashing and needing to protect myself from that. I wanted to cut my head off... And felt the facility to function in relation to others shutting down. There was and still is so much pain in my head. Two points at the base of my skull that surround my skull and cover my forehead and tighten through the jaw. Enormous pressure behind my eyes and nauseous. My body shook for quite some time as I felt through the experience - full body especially through the legs and shoulders.

From what I experienced I see the fear around mental manipulation and the resultant shut down that happens when I feel people are trying to push information into me. I see the intervention in all of this experience and clearly there is an implant felt in the points in my head and jaw...

The hook is the feeling I get when engaging with others and feeling they are trying to manipulate me or feed me their ideas or allowing others' ways of being to supplant my own. I get tight and energetically defensive or drop connection to mind, into feeling in body and just hear without focus or absorption. I also notice I get sucked into the self doubt that arises and squeezes the solar plexus. I find it hard to come through that place. I imagine there is an invitation to open to the experience more without shutting down around self doubt...relax into it and keep mental facilities and discernment on board... Remembering I can hear and receive without it getting in and rewiring me and that staying present through it all is the key.

I had a dream last night about finding a room where anything I have ever thought, felt, experienced could be accessed and seen by others watching.

Today on the flight back home I felt drawn to watch a tv series called The Path... It ended up being about a spiritual cult... There was a lot of truth in what they were based on but clearly manipulation and programming happening.

Lots to digest here ... Thanks for the space to share.

With love,

.Jen's picture

Hi all! Some things coming together... It's clear that there is a pattern of protecting myself by not showing anyone how I feel... It's allowed me to feel in control and "strong"... Feeling the effects of challenging that way of being... Allowing things in, feeling how I truly feel is one thing, but allowing that when relating to others is where I am challenged. I feel a sense of loss of perceived power as I soften the fortress around me and allow a sense of support to be there....allowing a letting down of the need to contain it all, relaxing around the need to be with it all on my own. Feelings of weakness and loss of power are strong as I perceive (perhaps misperceive) that others feel powerful the more I show my feelings and that I am then perceived as weak... This must all be happening inside me ...and there is a hypervigilance around what feels to be others perceptions, how I am seen. I also feel confusion around finding it all within myself and where that becomes isolation and shutting out the shared experience. Where is the rightness in that?

On a side note I shared the most incredible experience today maneuvering through incredible mountain bike trails... I loved the challenge and the level of focus and engagement that is required .... I felt so alive... Focused here and now, how to move, how to be in this precise moment, how to navigate the obstacles by staying focused but not zooming into the obstacles... Keeping the sense of focus here but also just in front of me on the path through.

Would love some input on the dynamic of needing nothing outside of me and yet being open to the shared experience.

With love,

Trinity's picture

Hi Jen,

Many threads here.

I picked up on this one... "also feel confusion around finding it all within myself and where that becomes isolation and shutting out the shared experience. Where is the rightness in that?

If I felt that I'd surrender and let go of needing to find it all within myself. It's a universal truth - the whole universe is within us. However, in a human body, it can get really overwhelming to take this so literally. It can feel like so much pressure internally if we aren't completely aligned with the flow of higher consciousness at that time. Remember, you are in a human body right now AND engaging with people outside of you TOO. You are CO-CREATING with other people who are tangibly outside of you (in reference your human beingness any way). It's a paradox.

So anyway - if it were me, I'd soften myself around 'everything being within' and also accept that I am in a human body and there is a paradox of stuff being 'outside' too.


.Jen's picture

Thank you Trinity! I feel a natural flow of being inward and allowing that to also flow outward.... I can get tight about flowing outward. When I do, I often find joy in relating and then of course I also find vulnerability and the feelings of weakness that I mentioned above. Yes, as you said Triniy... "soften myself around 'everything being within" and I realize it's being who I am in the full human experience and feeling through all the vulnerable messiness of relating. Otherwise It seems I am denying the path of the Soul....I am feeling a pull to relate more fully in the body and to meet and allow whatever arises without fighting it.

Something arising to add here... It's that piece about the weakness ... How much resistance there is to feeling it and how identified I become with it.... Once it arises, it seems as though everything around me is also buying into the weakness I am feeling... That the mirror is showing me how powerless I am... Becomes excruciating. Always another chance to work with that and especially the identification that happens.

Thank you for the feedback <3

with love, Jen

.Jen's picture

Since the retreat last week I have felt unsettled - so many fragments it's been hard to express clearly. Everything seems to come through one fragment or another. What I am recognizing through the experiences is that the child in me seeks validation, love, approval, safety and security from others - there has been a seraching and finding of the places I can stop taking care of all my needs on my own and hand over the burden to another. I have felt this hole in the foundation that in this life was amplified by my father leaving at the age of 3 and never being a reliable or effective caregiver. It's made it very challenging for me to let go of the safety I assembled as an adult - having found and projected out a sense of home onto another, I feel like an ill equipped, unready child being asked to go get in the world. In truth I know I am completely equipped with plenty of internal resources and have over and over found the sense of capability and joy in stepping out from behind the others in my life, but this energy of being small and unable to go it alone is strong and causes me to hold onto the threads that remain.

Then there is another piece...as Open writes about in 5 Gateways, the teenager protects the child. What I have noticed is that everytime the vulnerability of the child is threatened...everytime there is the feeling of being left out, of not fitting it, of not being wanted, there is a wall of untouchability that arises, proclaiming "I am fine, noone bothers me, noone touches me, I don't need anyone or anything" - isolation, false strength and truly untouched by love as well as the pain.

I am also seeing the spiritual identity that supports the idea of "needing noone or nothing".

The questions that come up are - Where is the place for physical human connection on a physical and emotional level? I feel blocked from this and inside it returns to feeling the love within me - yet I feel a barrier between me and the world as I perceive it.. which must be a reflection of the barrier to love within myself - to love myself through the arising need to attach to others validation, safety, security, love, to love myself through the harsh inner judgements of the teenager that would have be untouched by all feeling.

When we were in meditation at the retreat and I spoke of being untouchable and separated from the world an image of a woman appeared in my third eye...she was cloaked in light around her head, shoulders, chest and back and at first her face was dark with no features and then it turned to a face of pure serenity eyes and lips closed with face lifted toward the light, smiling. She appeared like a nun..I got the sense this was either some past life influence or pointing to how I am relating now...with connection spiritually but cut off when it comes to relating in the world.

Deep breath...lots of stuff...finding the strength right now to just commit to the practices that deepen connection inside and let go of the things that numb and isolate me.

Lots of love,

.Jen's picture

Going deeper with all of this...the tears are pouring out as I feel there is only me, the deep sense of isolation and utter aloneness. It feels so overwhelming to hold this all together within myself...who can give me a hug or really hold this pain...there is no-one - just me to hold it for myself. Why am I experiencing life this way? I feel torn between fully living and getting out of here.

I don't know how to be...there is a struglle withing between total vulnerability and total protection...and in the midst of that there is the warmth of the ocean surrounding me, where I feel safe and held, buoyant and warm. From that place, beingness can arise but it flows into these fixed structures of all protection or all vulnerable...so much judgement on both sides of this coin I flip between ...judging myself for being closed off and cold and then judging myself for being needy and weak in my vulnerability. There are truths and distortions in both and in the confusion, I settle back to the ocean and pull out of relating or numb myself in other ways.

I don't know how to breakthrough this cycle...I feel so identified with it right now. Will keep being with it but if anyone has a helpful reflection I am open.

Thank you. Love, Jen

erica r's picture

I wrote this and felt to share. I feel you, I'm brought back in time to the intimate yet separate moments we shared just a few mornings ago, to be independent within our own energies yet aware of the dance naturally arising as our souls unleashed through these physical bodies. Here's a few words that flowed through me....Loved unloved loved unloved loved unloved conditions like shackles bind my heart. Like a Yoyo. Spoken words lash tear leave wounds. What is inside of it all within this moment
I search for the light within the experience yet the tangible concepts warp and morph through my outstretched hand.
Intoxicatingly blinding the truth with emotions tangled from the infertile ground with the innate sense to live thrive within the barren conditions. Strength without vulnerability yet vulnerable to the inertia of strength. Words like daggers pierce the delicate shell of love. Desolate left behind I ROAR silence no more. Misconstrued misinterpreted missed... it all just misses as the defined physical target takes the hits. If only the soul could be seen. If only people looked with their hearts maybe it wouldn't be so easy to miss fire miss words miss construe miss miss miss... it all just misses as it's stuck within the time warp of physicality

Love to you

Trinity's picture

Jen wrote: "I am also seeing the spiritual identity that supports the idea of "needing noone or nothing".


First of all big ((((hug))).

So often these spiritual concepts are owned by spiritual identity - efforting - trying to be something. So deep and aware that you are touching these levels and seeing spiritual identity. Your self honesty is an incredible gift.

Jen wrote: "The questions that come up are - Where is the place for physical human connection on a physical and emotional level?"

It's all a paradox. We are incarnated as human beings. One of the most profound and beautiful ways that we can support and reflect to each other is human touch. Touch is simply another way to communicate and can often speak more than a million words every could. Emotions, likewise. Just think how music can inspire the most powerful emotions - also often beyond the mind. Emotion can invoke incredible change.

I guess in terms of seeking spiritual enlightenment, some people reject physicality and emotion because they have a subconscious fear that these things are too 3Dimensional and stop us from evolving. On the other end of the spectrum is being totally consumed and owned by them. The key is finding a healthy balance. Perhaps by allowing and exploring where we get lost in these things... and increasing our awareness to make space for authentic beingness. Physicality and emotion are gifts of human beingness, we can evolve through them, but certainly not by denying them.

.Jen's picture

Thank you Dear Erica - what you share is so beautiful.

"Loved unloved loved unloved loved unloved conditions like shackles bind my heart. Like a Yoyo. Spoken words lash tear leave wounds. What is inside of it all within this moment"

These words especially spoke into the arising feelings. It's amazing as I feel lightness coming through as I have worked through a lot of density today all around a sense of being unsupported...there is a broader perspective at this moment - and have sat with these pieces, little chards of brokenness that seem to become a house of glass at times.

Thank you for feeling with me and reminding me of our beautiful infusion dance Smile

With love Jen

.Jen's picture

Dear Trinity,

Aw thank you for the hug and the insightful support =).

Yes, indeed touch and emotion are incredible and moving for me. It's less that I have cut these off from a spirtual identity perspective (though I can see where it may have sounded like that or be what you are gethering energetically) and more that I feel removed from them in relation to others because of older patterns that cause me to distance and the spiritual identity supports that as well (needing no one or nothing). I am feeling the pain of that distancing. I don't feel like I have an idea around physicality being too 3D (though I can imagine that's possible) ...I am just challenged to be authentically myself in the physicality of life, relating to others. There probably are some ideas around how I "should be" spiritually speaking as well....that kick in automatically like the rest of the identities..layers and layers!!!

I have been experiencing deep pain around not fitting in, being unwanted and unsupported and today I actually DID stay with it, move with it, express with it, meditate with it (yeah!). Soul motion offered a tremendous vehicle to express all the feelings and to feel the simplicity and beauty of just me as I am right now and sitting with and allowing the memories to come up, to be held...to see my teenage self and all of the yearning for love and acceptance, cloaked in pretending to be fine...I felt to breathe in the pain and discomfort and breathe back out love and compassion to this broken piece. Incredible just how healing it is to be with this complex web of stuff! I know it will take time but I am starting to see a way through and know I will have to keep working toward the edges in relating in life.

Today I found an upside down butterfly in my garden...it reminded me that there is no time to waste...and that any changes that are needed in my life need to be faced now in whatever way I am able...and to enjoy (without getting lost in) the nectar of the fullness of life while I am here.

Thank you so much Trinity for the support.

With Love,

Trinity's picture

I love how you consistently work through whatever comes up for you Jen! It's priceless. I am thrilled you are embracing SoulMotion as a vehicle to heal and unleash your soul too. Its awesome simplicity has so much power to help us cut through.

What beautiful synchronicity in the butterfly! There is indeed no time to waste.

Big Love

.Jen's picture

I see you and I see me in you
Something feels missed
Something feels off
A hole, a longing, a sense of being apart
A part of nothing
Filling it, not feeling it
The hole remains
Though for a moment unfelt
It rises again and the fall continues
Hands reaching to grab ahold
Something to dull the ache
To dim the emptiness, the loneliness
It's not for me to fill the space
It's not for me to remove the pain
Heat rises, anger, frustration, projection
Let it rise, let it burn the old structures, the expectations
It's not me you need
It's not relief, escape or comfort
It's you that your long for , it's I that I long for
The fullness, the expression of all that I am
When the garment of expectation and projection falls away
It is I that remains... Beautiful as I am
Apart from nothing and no thing all at once

Trinity's picture

That's beautiful Jen! A journey into wholeness.
Thanks for sharing with us.

.Jen's picture

Thanks Trinity <3 ...poetry is such an amazing vehicle of expression, isn't it?...direct and subtle at the same time.
Lot of love, Jen

Trinity's picture

Indeed it is and amazing vehicle of expression - so often I find where I can't full articulate or understand in other ways, a poem, just cuts through all of that and reaches to the soul. With out that need to understand - but just feeling that makes sense.