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Sharing the flow of things

Wow! Hit a big emotional block tonight. Realizing that how I see my husband as a father is intricately connected to my own experience with an absent father. A mild argument stirred up deep feelings of hatred and rage... Which slowly turned into emotional detachment... An "I don't give a care" attitude settled over me as we ended the conversation and I went to my room. I fell into tears at the hatred I was feeling for my husband and started to see that it is all mixed in together. He triggers it but it's not him... I want to literally punch him but it's not him. From this I do have an ally... Was able to put words to all this and expressed that I may need him to allow me to just express all this anger the next time it all comes up and for him to work to remember that it is not about him and to just hold the space for me. I have never expressed the anger and hurt from my childhood... It's never been this accessible so in that I feel really grateful Smile

Open's picture

It's wonderful that you can see it and work with it Jen.

Open Ok

Trinity's picture

That feels so powerful Jen! It's amazing what we store inside and how thankful that we can access it again, when we are in a place to work with it.
Loads of Love to ya!
x

.Jen's picture

Thanks Open and Trinity! You are always so supportive and I so appreciate that!! FEels like I am going through both ends of the spectrum right now - feeling more of what's been suppressed and at the same time feeling more connected both within myself and within external relationships. Seeing the internal opening reflected outside in more openness in relationships. Actually maybe these aren't opposite ends of the spectrum as it's through the pain and discomfort that the deeper connection is being forged.

Today I am also working with this old nauseous feeling that feels like a long tube like an umbilical cord attached to my upper abdomen. I remember this feeling from when I was really young and it is being stimulated now again. It gets triggered by some way of being that I see or feel from certain women. I can't say exactly what it is - it's almost like a feeling of me being ashamed or feeling like I have done something that is not acceptable and am being looked upon by these women as someone to shun. It's not clear, throwing it out to the universe for guidance and just keeping my attention on the vibe I am feeling there.

Thanks again for your support!

With love,
Jen

.Jen's picture

Over the last couple days I am finding myself unravelling this emotional blockage and as I have confronted the anger that has been sitting in there I am finding myself able to express myself in the physical...Where I have felt to express but have held back.... And when at last expression can come all the way through it feels so natural, so perfectly effortless... I am not fighting my way through a barrier... The barrier is melting away and more of me naturally unfolds and can express in the moment. It's pure joy to let this loose =).

Fiona Reilly's picture

Wow, Jen!

What you share is truly inspiring! How wonderful to be at a place where you can express so freely.

Enjoy the joy, love Fiona

divinespark's picture

Hi Jen,

Your vulnerability, honesty, and presence are so inspiring, as always. I often feel a resonance with your experiences. I am going down a similar path these days: letting the emotions rip, as Open has described it. Feeling into the anger and rage, releasing it, and finding the light beyond to a higher way of being. I still get into "loaded" exchanges, at times. But I'm getting better at releasing the blockages more fully so that I can stand my ground and express more and more with respect, firmness, compassion, honesty, and authenticity. I feel like a bird learning to fly. Ain't it grand? Wishing you well as you spread your wings and soar.

Much Love,

xxx Catherine

.Jen's picture

Thank you Fiona and Catherine for the kind and supportive words =).

Catherine - Very cool that you can relate with what I am sharing. Yes, it feels like I have been unwinding this core knot for a number of years now...working on all the more obvious places, the ones that undo more easily...like when you are untangling a necklace and it takes patience and persistence and you take care of the simpler ones and then you get to this one stubborn little knot that takes time to unravel...takes time to even see where to pull and to get a good grip and open it, unravel it and then voila! And it will keep coming and it's just fine with me! What else is there?!

I love what you shared above Catherine...I get the image of a stream of light and all these little entanglements around it...and you are shedding these entanglements until the stream of light is free flowing and the highest expression of you shines into the world. Just awesome!! Smile

Love to you both,
Jen

.Jen's picture

I had an enlightening dream last night... And it came through on a necklace! I am sitting with this young girl in my lap. She is facing me and I am showing her my necklace charm which is normally an eternity symbol but has now turned into a silver upside down angel with a red outline. Circumstances in the dream unfold to show me the jealousy that is inside of me. In waking I feel instantly grossed out that I have this inside of me... I see it come up but I work to never act from it... But it's still lingering, hanging out under my words and actions. I really don't want to accept this feeling but I know I have to get more into before "the day is done".

Cynthia Sham Rang's picture

This is fabulous Jen - to be able to uncover the junk that we've been holding for eons! We don't want to look and see and feel, but the reality is, it's there!! Amazing realizations!!!
It seems you're no longer using a shovel in that rabbit hole - you have a back-hoe digging away!!
Can you sense the energy that is released through this awareness? I can feel MY body going 'Phew I was tired of holding that!!'
Thank you for sharing.

.Jen's picture

Thanks Cynthia for your post. I can feel your enthusiasm all the way down here Smile yes it is so true what you say above... We know how we "should" be but how do we actually feel and stuffing it down trying to make it be quiet will ultimately never work. I know that what I see is inside of me .... So it's a matter of releasing this old false identity that needs anything outside of me and attuning to this quality within. I feel like this is a giant sack of potatoes and right now I have just stopped carrying it and am opening the bag to see what's in there. I trust life will help me see. Mmmmwah!!! Xo thanks for the reflection!! With love, Jen

Cynthia Sham Rang's picture

It feels so good to follow the stench and find that old sack!! YAY!!!

.Jen's picture

Some clarity is landing on some pain in my shoulder from too much weight, a tire that keeps losing air and a recent literal (and figurative) blindspot on the right side of my new vehicle. There has been a reticence to attune to the lightness. In the past I did so in a way that disconnected me from the body - I have had some fear around feeling the lightness, the expansiveness and getting trapped. Instead though, I am seeing that I am focusing so much on the tightness, on the density that I have cut off connection to feeling the lightness all together. As a result I have been feeling the energy but not a clear sense of direction with it...I am also carrying a weight around trusting myself...I want someone else to give me the answers - I know how disempowering this is and surely I (and most) have lived that reality before. Thank you Open for just your simple encouragement to go deeper within for the answers, as much as part of me wants you to just tell me what’s going on, I would miss my own journey =)!

It felt today like everything around me was shining as brightly as possible to show me how to be. Smile Just a quick sharing of some of my journey...

Driving down the road behind a very slow truck, but feel to just stay there and then notice a sticker of a bird with the word “lark” written above it. It feels instantly like the word “song” and I feel it right in the heart - singing is a very heart opening activity for me and allowing the song of the soul to play is something that really speaks to me. Not to mention the bird as a symbol of being grounded and connected to the higher planes. A moment later my attention is drawn to the left to a plaza of shops where three signs lined up on different objects to read jenny, pure, 4...for me this spoke to the heart chakra - opening more to feeling through the senses, to the things that bring the feeling of expandedness and also to attuning to the heartfelt feeling to feel the soul’s “voice” and attune to Ray 4. Arriving at a park to go for a jog, I feel myself unwinding opening and attuning to the senses, feeling the warmth of the heart in a way I haven’t felt for a little while...feels like home...feels so connected. I then see a mother and an infant all dressed in white getting ready to have their photo taken and I feel inside that’s ok to embrace the lightness, it’s ok to feel it and to feel it IN the body - it’s not the place I have been before where the lightness was above me so I lived there...it’s here in the body. As I am running along I feel I am going to lose my keys, but they are still there...a few moments later, they actually are gone. I feel myself start to look side to side along the path and then pause, connect to the heart, slow down and look straight down the path and there they are again. Got in the car and turned on my ipod to shuffle and the first song was “Krishna’s Song” by Sacred Earth...the christ consciousness...feel a deep confirmation to keep connecting through the heart. Thanks for listening and for all of your support.

.Jen's picture

What a journey it has been recently...one of my children has been going through some difficult times and through it I felt the fire of transformation within myself. Every time I felt I have opened to what is - without any resistance - things would go on longer and any need for things to be different would rise to the surface to be felt and transmuted until there was just an opening so deep and so wide that I could be with this scenario forever without it changing and it was ok with me...and now it has resolved...just days after I felt a totally new energy stirring up and it felt like I literally wanted to jump into my garden - like a bee inside a flower...for lack of a better word - it is a very penetrative energy that I recognize as bringing more forward from the background open flower that I feel as the feminine energy in me to the forward motion energy of the masculine. With that I am literally on fire inside...returning to feeling radiating heat burning through from inside...sweating like crazy, not sleeping and itching all over.

New connections are happening - such amazing reflections - those who I can really share with and who just feel so uplifting and home like to me...brings me so much joy!!

Dreamt last night that I stepped out from being between two walls in shoes that are too small for me - got new shoes - size 4 that I wore with tall rainbow socks!

Just a brief sharing of what is happening for me...and connecting to this community - Much love, Jen

Ben's picture

sounds great Jen. Yay for rainbow socks! Wink

Ben

Open's picture

Sounds like a lovely process Jen - huge alchemical change.

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Thank you Ben and Open for the support =). I feel so filled with warmth and interestingly it feels as though it is flowing from the solar plexus which has usually felt quite tight and the heart... This is new to me to feel this warm connection in the solar plexus. Now noticing places where I am pushing my agenda... Manipulating and over efforting and experiencing the same toward me...perspective feels steady enough to see and feel without losing touch with the body... Which is a change... There is the part of me that wants to flee but there is an anchor that feels more grounded at the moment. <3

.Jen's picture

So this may be long.. Let's see how concise I can be...went to 5 rhythms workshop this weekend... Powerful and aligned with Openhand way of working with what comes up. Something that is sticking for me is this man in the group that early on in the exploration expressed to the group that he was feeling projected upon and overwhelmed by the need to be be the masculine in the room (and how we don't probably know what he means by that). It really annoyed me... Though I could see this is part of his journey it felt like he was actually projecting on us the need to receive his masculine energy.... I felt a huge arising of basically f**k you!! No one asked you to "be the masculine in the room"... We all have that within us as well and if you look around are expressing it just fine. At the same time, the night before I became aware of an old buried desire within me...just two days prior I received heavy news about the father I grew up with that suddenly in the contemplation of his not being here caused an arising sense of "I need my father" (my birth father) - a person I have strongly sent the message that I don't need him ... The night before I dreamt that I was laid on the ground with my belly showing and light was "working" on the energy there...I then found myself driving an open air vehicle... Like a three wheel motor bike but I was pulling a trailer full of old connections and couldn't go faster than 17 mph... I let everyone out and to my shock found a naked female child in there - about age 5 and she had two children of her own - a boy and a girl...I perceived her as ill equipped to care for these two children and also perceived her own sense of self as totally adequate and capable of caring for these two.

During the workshop today I felt invited to connect to that child within and feel into all the joy of connecting to her offering her love, touching her/my hair and face, whole body, whole being- offering love and acceptance - showing her she is valued and seen and met...and then feeling the anguish of my reaching out and not being met... Confronting my sense of cutting off from letting others know that I need them at all... In fact expressing the opposite.. That I have it all together. I begin to feel a strong urge to give birth.. Just this energy that wants to break through. There is a blue glass cauldron of water on the altar and it feels like the energy is moving into the water or that the blue water is helping it move through me.

Now I feel there is still something there... I can't tell if I just feel weighty in my sacrum and root or blockage... Just feels like a heaviness I am not use to.

I only feel that I can just express this ... It draws the threads together for me so thank you for the space for that... Open to a reflection on this... I actually still feel annoyed by the man who proclaimed our need of him and interestingly "had to" connect with him in a giving and receiving experience... Which I could feel him feeling that I need him to lead me and moved with that and added my own energy ... Probably with a bit too much force as I was aggravated.

Open's picture

Hi Jen,

An invaluable exploration indeed Smile

Have you relied upon the divine masculine around you to support you? To (in effect) replace the divine masculine in you? Have you perhaps judged that the divine feminine is not strong enough to succeed and provide?

Did you confront the guy who was wrongly owning the entirety of the masculine energy - there and then, in front of the group? Perhaps the truth at the core of the anger was repressed ray 1 masculine wanting you to do this? Because it's in the moment where you reclaim that power.

Is the heaviness you now feel actually the density of the divine masculine coming through?

Some questions to explore.

Much love

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Thank you Open for the opportunity to go deeper with these questions.

Yes I have relied upon the masculine around me and have become aware of that... Have allowed more and more of my own creations to come forward, but yes I continually come up against the sense that what I create here is not valued enough to truly support the family...I had a couple poignant dreams... In the first I am a medicine woman/witch of sorts and I am taking all these herbs to help clear something stuck in my throat but that the real issue is shown to be a masculine energy shoved down my throat. The other dream is myself walking on a wooded path - a bear crosses my path and it doesn't at all alarm me as it runs into the water but the path looks to be flooded up ahead with a strong River... In the river are three huge elephants walking with the flow of the river... I turn away and grab crutches from a pile of scraps and take them to my father who receives news that his health is restored.

I feel like both of these dreams show me the acceptance and willing dependence on an outside source of masculine energy rather than coughing up the masculine that is like a projectile object in my mouth and down my throat and allowing myself to join the elephants in the river without the crutch of dependence on the continuation of the external father figure.

Yes I have judged the feminine as not strong enough to provide ... By itself. Is really either energy able to provide and support and create in an aligned way without integration of the other? I have been so tuned into being the open flower and have only recently started to feel the forward motion of the bee.. That wants to dive in and create something new. Perhaps it's more that there is the sense that as a woman this world somehow wants to devour me. There is part of me that feels it needs protection and relaxes in the feeling of its being provided.

So this man in the group... Yes I absolutely felt a pull to say something to him after his sharing but held back as the woman facilitating did not address it ... Which then caused other women to start saying "is it me who is projecting... So many felt concerned for his welfare and that made me feel more agitated because it felt like he was unknowingly manipulating them and putting all the attention on himself. I wasn't sure enough in what I was feeling to just blurt it out- question him although I so felt the urge to, I held back because his way of being was triggering my own stuff around "needing the masculine out there".

I found myself then becoming more pressing in other conversations with women,... As this energy was just festering. So yes, perhaps there was a way for me to speak up and express the Ray 1 energy. Because I didn't call him on it, I just expressed in through my body but it didn't feel complete. What would I have had to risk if I had let the expression come through? Being isolated from the group, appearing combative... Is it really right for me to call him into question if I feel extra energy around it because of my own stuff?

The heaviness I feel now....it's not like a knot or a tightness - it's more a fullness. I am more aware of it then any other place in my body... It feels icy and hot at the same time. Is the feeling of the divine masculine feel heavier? I just feel like a ball of weight in my lower body and part of me wants to lift out of it but that doesn't feel right - it feels more right to birth through it.

Open's picture

Lots of explorations - lots of poignant questions.

You ask...

    "Is really either energy able to provide and support and create in an aligned way without integration of the other?"

Of course no. It needs both, and all the other of the 7 rays. But you can lead from a certain energy - each moment will call that. So we may lead from the ray2 divine feminine and it certainly can succeed that way if there's enough trust in the right situations.

You ask...

    "Is it really right for me to call him into question if I feel extra energy around it because of my own stuff?"

Everybody has distortions - the fastest and most effective way to clear them is to fully express them. Because then you get the strongest mirror - both parties do. It takes courage yes, and it's going to explode situations sometimes, but sometimes that's entirely necessary.

Does the divine masculine feel heavier? If you're used to the lightness of the divine feminine yes it will likely feel heavier - more accurately denser because the energy is more focused. But heavier might mean there's an internal judgment of it - something to look for.

Awesome explorations - advancing you quickly

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Ok, now I see what you are saying about leading with a particular ray...I thinkI got stuck on the word "provide" and what that means.

My water guy came today (to work on my kitchen plumbing) and the entire time he talked about how he loves to make connections and build bridges between people. I know this is strong for me too, but I also see that I am being invited to cross through this scary place for me of being more direct in the face of strong masculine energy (distorted especially). Though I do more naturally express Ray 2 and 4, I feel that I have a catalytic side that can be very effective when I am not intimidated to express it. I also feel a bit out there expressing Ray 1 when i can't find the bridge in...when it feels like what I am going to say is going to be alarming - the Ray 4 always seems to bring it in in a digestible way. I am sure opportunities will continue to abound to explore this further. Smile

Lastly, this weight I am feeling...yes I do sense that is perceived as heavy because part of me doesn't want to go where it appears to be taking me now...into the depths of holding more intimately deeper levels of anguish and pain - my own and others and not just holding it, but coming down into it more fully and connecting to the lightness down in that.

Thank you Open for taking the time to read all of this and offering me your reflections. I am profoundly grateful.

With love, Jen

Open's picture

You're most welcome Jen - it's so great that you can reflect on it at that level. Amazing.

Open Ok

erica r's picture

Hi Jen

Thanks for sharing!! I feel your Ray1 through your writing. What comes to mind are your reference points that define "masculine energy"?

In my experience learning to express authentically (at first) an energy pulsating through feels clumsy and awkward. I've learned that it's ok for it to come out in a clumsy and awkward way. Suppressing puts into the mind which then warps it and tries to validate the inaction or the energetic impulse that was naturally arising. I think it's possible to deliver a "masculine energy message" in a feminine energy tone using body language or surrounding it with empathetic vibes.

Other times I just state it and let the effect be whatever it may be. Is that insensitive as I am expressing what may be perceived to "hurt" others? Or am I strong as I am being within the truth I have found and allowing myself the space to express from that vantage point? I've circled many issues on the path and "got stuck". I call it rationalizing in the roundabout. Once I recognized that pattern and the safety it provided, I no longer "needed" to continue with that behavior although it continues to rise up subconsciously when I am being "sleepy"

I love Opens response that completely took consciousness into a new perspective that felt so expansive. Within the expansive feeling, constraints and limitations of physicality felt to dissolve as vibrant strands of interconnectedness shimmered. Feeling into the Universe without preconditioned reactions all the conditioned behaviors fall away.

Reaction leads to a feeling of being grounded and stuck. It feels sticky, coagulated on the soul especially when awareness reaches the crux where the mind identifies the behavioral habit and screams at you.. Ego,Ego ,Ego...

So for me, when I arrived at that crux I stopped identifying with words. It felt like when my mind felt the impulse to identify with the energy that was stimulated within which was stimulated by external influences of the environment or external stimuli, the preconditioned associations ensued which limited an authentic in the moment experience.The proverbial ball was in motion instantly, then reaction then reflection ensued.

In that initial moment, when the energy spiked, giving that energy of feeling my attention slowed it all down. I went deeper within beyond the energetic stimulated response. Within the tumultuous inner emotional storm, I felt stillness. The need to respond emotionally dissolved. It became freeing from the ego thus authentic expression flows through.

Open previously stated "A more beneficial approach (to one's soul), would be to learn how to surrender to the flow. Then the layers of the ego start to peel away. Your consciousness expands into the field and into multiple dimensions of existence - where you experience all manner of things beyond imagination."

In those moments I surrender. Let go of any need for what ensues to be a certain way. It takes practice so at first felt conflicting to grasp the concept of making an effort to not effort at all... Quite the conundrum
So letting go of words and labels was key on my journey.

All the attachments associated with the "masculine energy" are defined by the reference points used to create meaning. Would letting go of labeling masculine or feminine be a key. I've recently been asking myself that and exploring letting go of those defining concepts as at the core it is all unconditional oneness.

Much love
Erica

.Jen's picture

Wow Erica - I could feel every word of what you shared here...what sticks out for me is this...

"in that initial moment, when the energy spiked, giving that energy of feeling my attention slowed it all down. I went deeper within beyond the energetic stimulated response. Within the tumultuous inner emotional storm, I felt stillness. The need to respond emotionally dissolved. It became freeing from the ego thus authentic expression flows through."

This has been shaping for me over the last few years...in deeper and deeper spirals of experience I suppose...yes I feel that connection to center even though the emotions and the physical body is in reaction and that has been key in allowing authentic expression to come forward. I am finding times like these though where something new in me is coming forward and like you said it is awkward to bring it out, mainly due to attachment.

And you said here...
"Suppressing puts into the mind which then warps it and tries to validate the inaction or the energetic impulse that was naturally arising." YES - this is happening.

At the core, is the willingness to release any need to appear a certain way, to maintain a level of acceptance, to blend into the scenery...it's moments like these that invite that to begin breaking down - centering in the midst of the storm...like you said, it all slows down and authentic expression can come through or NOT and then the snowball effect you mentioned. Smile

yes, funny that the man said "you all don't know what I mean when I say masculine" and perhaps the truth in that is that I don't completely...there is a mixture of ideas from society, our culture - that confuses the purity of the experience - the feel of that energy...and perhaps yes, the analytical side kicks in to understand it retrospectively.

What I feel coming through right now is a deep urge to allow the tension of any efforting to be anything to unwind through every moment and every situation that arises.

With lots of love and gratitude for the beautiful reflection.
Jen

.Jen's picture

there is a tension
throughout the body
an effort to be
something
i don't feel to grin anymore or try
a blankness wants to emerge
an openness without superimposition
what is this constant grin
but a mask
is it not ok to just feel at ease or not
elated or not
thrilled or not
friendly or not
this false pleasantness - is exhausting
feeling this natural arising of "here I am"
as I am
may it flow through the blankness arising and dissolving
free to move
alighting the body - the face
with authenticity...perhaps even a smile from the depths

erica r's picture

A smile cracks the stillness
A crevasse created externally relieves the internal pressure
An ancient energetic flow releasing from the depths
Yet pressure building reconstructing
Reconfiguring building building
A smile begins to quiver and shake
Emergence through explodes
Shatters the constrictive shell
Lava expels a light body free of form
Vulnerable in this realm.. Bright
Molten skin takes shape settles protects seamlessly
A new awareness reflects the depths on the surface
A new smile cracks the stillness

.Jen's picture

Dear Erica, What a dance this is... Thank you for the way in which you join... Unexpectedly... With a flow that speaks to the core. Thank you Erica for this continuity and evolution. How surprising and synchronistic to see the lava flow on paper as it has been ebbing and flowing inside the body....building and glowing with the most overwhelming sense of love and then disappearing again to re-emerge with vigor.

Reading last night and these words sprung off the page "dancing through the open moment"... There is still much stickiness within me and the tolerance for it guiding the ship is dying as is the fear of not presenting....meeting every moment as the opportunity to drop through the facade and let the dancer emerge.

Much love,
Jen

erica r's picture

Hi Jen!

Yes dancing in front of a mirror brings so much to the experience, thank you for sharing your authentic journey. It really helped today as I shared with my son. When I used the words feminine and masculine he said,"yes!! That's the word, masculine... that's what I was trying to think of."

Thought I would share this with you. I was talking with my 20yr old son, Michael. He was expressing a conflict he is feeling. He is going to watch his girlfriends soccer game and doesn't want to sit with her family. He said her family is very loud, yelling and cheering, continuously commenting on how the coach should do this or that. He stated he just wants to watch the game and be supportive without those distractions.

The conflict: If he sits away from them, they judge it and take it personally and he doesn't want to create any turmoil. Yet he is yearning to be true to himself and what he is feeling. He also stated, " I always go along with what they say and now I want to be more masculine and respected. He stated he thinks people view him as a push over when he doesn't come out and state his mind. He said,"I'm tired of holding back but I just don't know how to express myself without it causing things to blow up. It's just not worth it. How do I sit separate without offending them?"

It was great to reflect to him how to pay attention to what suppressing feels like. (grateful it was alive in my consciousness due to your sharing) Also helping him come up with a dialogue that is neutral in some way yet effective to get his message through as it feels clumsy and awkward for him. It's not "in the moment" but it's a tool he can use as the alternative is avoidance or suppression. Michael then recognized this pattern and how it plays out in his work and home life. Learning how to express his energy without creating reactions.... Is that even possible? (I'm smiling).

So the struggle is so real!!!! So grateful for your timely expression as I could still feel your energy as I responded to my sons inquiries!! Makes me think there are so so many young adults coming into the world who have been conditioned to just react or told to "suck it up" by adults then that snowball just keeps rolling!!!
Amazing to think how your experience has touched the life of a young man thousands of miles away as I see all the beautiful interconnected strands reflecting light!!

Much love,
Erica

.Jen's picture

That's awesome Erica! Thank you for sharing - like you kind of giggled about as you shared your son's experience, most of the way I express has had this motto you mentioned "expressing our energy without creating reactions"... It feels like now I am invited to see how mucky and fuzzy things can be when I over do it with the blending and it becomes suppressing or just plain unclear... So more expressing in a way that has a possibility to be heard but not too overly concerned with the reaction or the receptivity of the receiver.

All these interconnected strands of light ... I love that image. Thank you Erica <3 Jen

.Jen's picture

I am having an odd experience in the body... It feels like the physical body is big and heavy and doesn't match what I feel like inside... Inside I feel as light as a wisp... Like a feathery tiny physical presence... Yet I perceive the body as massive and like a ton of bricks... I hear passing thoughts of wanting to shrink the body, not eat, run all day .... Heavier foods cause me to feel sick and lethargic and more identified with this giant blocky body... I feel a pull to be lighter and find it strange that I find myself eating vegan pizza or French fries. I suppose this is all around the body's set up versus our soul vibration. I see smoothies and juice and just raw really simple food like plain garden leaves feeling like a match and there is also this craving to drop this heavy body... But that is probably a bit distorted and retracting. Hmmm... Will see what comes.

Some things landing about this... Laughed as I realized the connection to why I had felt drawn to stop at someone's house today who had half a palette of pavers by the road - feeling I could use them in the garden to create something... Went up to the door to make sure I could take them and the door said "the lambs" and no one was home...To me that's about following and also an element of allowance. It's not that I reject this body as a whole ... It's that I feel so heavy... Like I am carrying extra weight... I saw so much learning experience and emotional attachment. I feel very drawn to dropping this extra weight I am carrying... Open to what shows up. There are so many layers to this as I see that there are elements of the body that the soul doesn't match but also that I am attuning to that through what I am eating and perhaps this allows me to be where I am physically... In the environment I am now in.

.Jen's picture

Having the feeling of somehow "giving people back to themselves" - though it's more letting go of what I need them to do/be/experience. Coming home from Seattle...there was the sense that I am harming in the aim to protect...I felt a huge weight lifted of needing to prevent some potential catastrophic event in my children's lives.

The first encounter I had with family, there was clearly some shift while I was gone and the child I have had the greatest concern around food and self-care has proclaimed her desire to change things and it's been so powerful to not be in the way of that by trying to manage it...so amazing to watch her want this from within herself...and what a massive lift it has been coming out of the power struggle...handing things to her, where it feels it belongs and where she very much wants it to be.

There has also been this sense of not needing to be the center of the family...being in my own center and not needing to orchestrate the way time is shared to meet some standard in my mind...watching as there isn't so much of a family "center" but possibilities and options...how do we each feel to spend time. I often want to be out exploring and for the most part everyone else wants to be home or playing sports or with friends- my internal resisitance to this reality has created a lot of strife in our time together...so finding I am supported in just going my own way a lot of the time and feeling (when there is that option) for when I truly feel to hang with everyone...funny how these things can open on their own when I find the way of being..it's like a magical key. Synchronistically, I finally unloaded all the bricks from my car that I felt to pick up last week...wonder what they may become?!

Open's picture

That's wonderful Jen. I observe that in families, there's such a strong conditioning to 'blend' - as if harmony can only happen that way. I think humanity slips into subconsciousness because of the subtle need for harmony.

    Yet there can be no lasting harmony if each isn't fulfilled in their own right. Each must find their own sovereignty and self-expression less blurring of ones own vibe in order for their to be true success, true harmony.

And so making space for oneself; then allowing each to be and do what they feel comfortable with. Then there will be spaces where overlap naturally happens without the need for control.

Awesome!

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Awwww confusion... The circumstance I find myself in beg the question is how I am being of the soul or of the ego.... Watching the constant retreat... The drawing away of energy from how it normally interacts with the other and how that effects the surroundings....it feels like peeling away layers of myself and in that it's a mixture of awfulness and rightness...in asking the universe " where is how I am being arising?" An image arises of fish being placed in a pair of sneakers... And the words "fish are meant to swim".... There is a sense of being out of place but massive resistance to continuing down this road.... It feels like I am driving a sword into everyone around me. I know I will continue to be me in it all but this slow and steady unraveling seems to drag out the inevitable and create more of an ache in me.

What do I wear my sneakers for except to run.... What am I running from but the confrontation of what I truly feel even if I don't want to feel it or find confusion when logic has no answers. Letting the fish be in the sea ... When all the doubts are stripped away, what remains but a naked knowing of what the truth is in those waters and all the ways I am running from it... Ugh it just feels impossible sometimes. And then again, I just can follow the one key... Of love...deeper connection inside and trust where that leads.

Feeling this and played the iPod on random ... Awesome song called "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn?
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger?
Little conquerors

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riot
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign

.Jen's picture

So interesting, While everyone in my house was asleep, i spent the night dancing alone in the dark with a shadow of myself projected on the wall by a light coming through the window. I did invite my husband to join me, and although I can feel part of him yearns to let loose in that way, he just won't. Just me and my mirror shadow image danced joyfully and it was incredibly rich and fulfilling. Lots of questions arose last night around this yearning for a real "dance" partner... What it means to me here in the physical.. If I am relating to another... What brings me joy in that relating and how much of that is an attachment based need. Isn't it enough to connect to myself... So why then is there still this someone that I feel in the space around me... Though still a distance away... This one feels physics but like he's approaching me but not yet here...there is a yearning to actually connect in the physical.

This morning I was getting ready to go out before everyone got up and I smashed my left toes into a box that contains old framed photos of family. It may be broken as its all purple and I can't walk very well now. What in the word is this for? Is it more of the running from things... Dancing in the dark and scooting out before everyone else gets moving.... Am I not being physically present enough? How is this affecting walking the path?

Open to perspectives as I feel I am a bit in the dark here...

Thank you!
Jen

Open's picture

Hey Jen,

Lovely that you can dance in such freedom. But I do feel for you too. <3

Is not the message becoming increasingly obvious?...

    This morning I was getting ready to go out before everyone got up and I smashed my left toes into a box that contains old framed photos of family.

I'd say you've been getting the same message for some time. Have you accepted it yet? Clearly there's someone waiting there in the wings for you. But you also have to accept that for the energy to move in that direction. There's clearly some other letting go of expectation (of the current situation) to happen or resistance to what might unfold.

You could build that dance within the ether now if you really wanted to and were prepared to let go into it. You're creating in a spiritual way now - through consciousness. Which means you have to fully let go of the old relationship in that alchemical way in order for the new to begin to form.

Big hug

Open Give rose

Open's picture

PS - synchronistically the thought for the day today is...

    "The love we withhold is a measure of the pain we carry."

.Jen's picture

Hi Open- Yes when I look in the mirror it is all very clear what the message is and the knowing inside is very clear as well. The emotional attachment clouds it and makes it hard to see clearly- holding me in a repeating circle. There has been an expectation that the mental/emotional would align with the knowing but, no, they seem to stay nicely affixed to maintaining "what I always wanted" or playing back the fear that I am making it all up, that I am distant and cold, that I haven't given fully enough of myself... And this pulls me back in to engage in another round of "working things out". It seems the mind and emotions will just continue to play these tapes on and on...and of course I know that but being in it is quite different =). It's just trusting the feeling and allowing it all to arise without letting it be the guide. There is the vibe of who I am beyond all of this story and it clearly fuels a new vision of me.

I am actually growing quite tired of this story...I am tired of in between.... I must be all in- one way or the other.

Thank you Open... Big sigh ... <3

With love,
Jen

Margaret's picture

Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it 
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal
is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists
to live a life not half a life

Khalil Gibran

Open's picture

Jen, I feel to offer some 'advice', but as always, I do it with the proviso of saying that only your soul knows the truth, and so to test what I offer in relation to what you witness and see...

I'd say there's an invitation to fully explore the relationship with your Twin Flame - to dive fully into the divine dance, as a living breathing expression - witnessing the reflections in all that you see, but..... then taking those reflections back inside yourself without the need for full physical manifestation of your Twin Flame.

Speaking from experience, it is the most profoundly beautiful relationship that you carry with you and is expressed everywhere, through all things - yet is not material.

From that, somewhere down the future, maybe a manifestation of that will materialise. As happened for me.

I offer a reflection.

Open

.Jen's picture

Dear M... Heartfull of gratitude for you and the poem that you shared .... <3 much love, Jen

.Jen's picture

Thank you Open and yes this is something I have been open to and exploring.

This exchange here on the forum has activated a familiar feeling ...this "ache" inside that pulses and flows up in waves through to my heart and throat. I observe that when this is felt a couple things happen. The energy starts to feel very sensual and probably gets distorted into sexual energy as it feels like it wants to express in the physical. I feel very tactile and physically expressive at these times and it's incredibly intense to contain it. If it doesn't get diverted into that kind of expression, then it draws in others around me...who seem to get pulled in by what I am feeling inside. It's really hard then not to play that out, but this is also sending mixed signals I feel in the current situation.

You said "then taking those reflections back inside yourself without the need for full physical manifestation of your Twin Flame."

I see this is part of the resistance... Some part of me - is having a hard time accepting the idea of not being able to connect physically with another... And I can see the distortion in that and also feel some fear of not being in the safety of the situation I am now in, knowing what I may draw to myself with the energy that is coming up in me.

Ohhh lots to feel... So this energy feels strong right now and I am just containing and watching it... seeing if there is an aligned way for me to express this.

Much love and gratitude,
Jen

Open's picture

Yes I understand.

But maybe you slightly misunderstand me.

I'm not saying that energy shouldn't be expressed - including sexual. There's a way of dancing in it, like a miraculous dream, but without a physical partner. Why limit yourself by something you can't control? However, the alchemy inside you can still be fully expressed. And because it maybe wants to happen sexually, doesn't necessarily mean it's distorted.

Something to explore.

Open

.Jen's picture

Thanks Open ... I am being with it and exploring what's going on and may email you to work with it. Love, Jen

.Jen's picture

Ok so, coming back to the energy .... I am able to relax around the circumstances and allow the space that is avaulable to me now to nurture a deeper internal exploration... It is all about the energy and I am seeing that so strongly....feeling, exploring, expressing it without need for it to be with anyone else in the material... Though I do feel these kind of qualities of being around me... I can see this forming a bridge of completeness inside and allowing the external pieces to shift in alignment with that. I see the way I have been holding out for something to change here to make the external circumstances stay intact.... A bit of attempted internal negotiations as the gap here grows and has scared me a bit. Feeling on track and able to let go of the mental/ emotional gymnastics.

Thank you <3 Jen

I didnt know where to post this.
I suppose the flow sometimes hits some dark spots so maybe this is appropriate.
I dont know where to turn so I turn to openhand.
Sometimes I feel like a snowflake in a firestorm.
I cant take this world so I turn to substances, its too painful, and im too weak.
I cant help but wish to be out of this existence. How many souls sacrificed their lives so I could sit here writting this.
How can I talk of love, I an ocean of pain. Drowning amongst the waves of despair.
Its all so wrong and I cant help but feel the sooner the human experience is over the better for all concerned.
Its seems the gnostics may be right, the universe is the demiurge and we are his pawns. His greatest trick convincing us he was god.
Maybe the majority of humanity are unconsciouss clones happy to walk off the cliff.
Awakened souls are few and far between. Ive wittnessed beautiful souls burning in the fires of this world. They're gone! Lost! For what! For who! Why must we suffer in this way! No amount of tears can cover the pain.
Sparkles has lost his spark in this world.
I will stay as long as I must but it doesnt change the fact I wish I was home.
I hate being in this world and what it does to me.
I want to go home.

Love to you openhanders!
I pray you are stronger than me.

Open's picture

Hey Zac - everyone's with you brother. Give rose

You are strong enough - because - you can feel the pain. Yes, I know what being here is like, all too well. You describe very accurately what many evolving people - many starsouls - feel.

Evolution in this place is often a delicate balance - between feeling the pain so you can integrate lost aspects of soul gold, therefore being human, but as the pain gets too much, letting yourself expand out and through it into your cosmic self.

What are those things that make you feel expanded?

And by that, I don't mean hallucinogens! What these do is create too strong a polarity - identities around the higher state, and ones around the lower. Consciousness bounces around between the states. It becomes hard to find your true centre - your real anchor in the storm.

Let pure presence become the anchor. Breakthrough all identities and let none own you - especially not the 'good' and 'up' ones. Just pure presence. Pure isness.

So what are the things you can do on a day-by-day basis that feel 'right' in your life? Simple things, like nature, meditation, bodywork, music, healthy food good companionship. Keep finding this rightness of the soul and the soul will increasingly deliver you onto the shores of presence.

Do this as much as you can. Increasingly you'll find it easier and easier to cope with it all.

I'm with you, benevolence is with you, these are humungous changes going on, and for someone who can feel all that turmoil in the field, it's deeply challenging. So look for the timeless Fifth Density aswell.

And finally reach out to those you can really trust in - reach out here as you have done.

You have a welcome home here

Open Ok

Your right of course.
The psychadelics did serve a purpose for me. I needed to know what I was doing was real and not a dream created by my mind, but the price was high.
Maybe too high.
It did create polarities in me and like you said Ive been bouncing between them.
I want to apologise to myself.
Im sorry.
I must get back to where this all started. To where your pointing, back to the moment. It used to be about feeling for me. Feeling within the body throughout every moment. That was my anchor.
It seems so long ago.
I'm not sure if I can make it back but I must at least try.
Thanks for being there for me again open, and creating a safe place in the storm.

Zac, me again, pesky huh Wink

I can't find words cause I feel the pain as you do, I just stand beside you brother.

'I know all too well it don't come easy' sometimes Zac I think if people hand an inkling of the journey that's been - whoaaagh. But here we are.

erica r's picture

Zac

I'm with you. I find solace within this existence when I am "found" by another soul breaking through. Silently tearing a gentle hole to shine light so that it's reflected back deeply.

I've currently found peace within the smallest insect using it's instincts or antennas to feel it's way through.

Just today I was kayaking on a lake with the warm sunshine and blue skies. I felt so peaceful then a dark cloud with torrential heavy rain started to pour. Of course it was when I had reached the furthest point from my launch spot. I had kayaked for a few hours. When it was clear and the water calm, I watched ducks and loons. Two by two they were building a nest on open water. Just moving about. Then on the return, I was soaking wet and the temperature had dropped to 48degrees or 8.9 Celsius. I kept moving as I felt my muscles cooling. A slight panic was coming in as I hadn't told "anyone" where I would be, I hadn't brought a phone or even a sip of water. I was wearing light clothes...I actually started to laugh and that pesky voice went quiet. At one point I unwrapped cold fingers from the paddle and my hands were stiff and ached. Then my gaze fell upon the loons who were still within the storm moving the same as if the external environment had no impact upon their purpose. They dove and swam gracefully and naturally within the storm as they did within the stillness. It was an amazing sight to behold! So profound to witness these creatures moving as if untouched by the physical world.

Just felt to share this with you
Much love,
Erica

Please increase your peskyness great friend. Thank god for you, literally. Its comforting to know your here too.
What a journey indeed, so tired it makes me, which helps in a way cause I cant be bothered running from what must be done.
You know this world can chuck everything it has at me, come at me in every which way possible but Im still here, WE are still here.
Im not afraid.
And because of you guys I can stand proud and say "Im not alone!"

There's another silver lining too of course, accelerating out of this quagmire I find myself in shall be quite the ride.

Thanks for that too Erica. (I just read your post)
I really like that.
Regardless of what's happening around me I can still do my thing.
I can still build my nest within myself! Aha
Nothing can touch that.
Thanks for acting on the feeling to share that with me, that helps alot!

Spiritpaws's picture

Zac Sparkles, I really feel your words.

Last weekend I was walking through the forest at the farm and stopped to speak to a very old grandmother pine. Her roots are like pythons: cool, strong, quiet that rise above the fallen pine needles. She is so tall I have to lean back to see her crown. I laid my offering down and asked permission to breathe into her. She said, "Little One, we are in this together."

It was a much needed reminder to me that as singular as our soul journeys are, we have allies. The trees, the animals, the plants, the insects, the winged ones work patiently to unwind the chains of this density, to reveal to us the pieces of our blindness.

Brother, your allies await you.

love, tigger

Thanks Spiritpaws!
I needed to be reminded there are beautiful awakened souls on this planet and their not just in human form.
I interact with the other so much I'd forgotten that.
You've returned the spark in me!

Let me share with you guys the place I miss so much.
My true home where my soul family awaits me.
After our work in this place is done make sure you all come join the eternal party on our Isla Bonita.
Love to you guys

Horse's picture

I feel your turmoil of life Zac. I have lived it for many years now. The more I journey down this path, the more I learn, the less I know. Not sure if it makes since. Openhand has opened my eyes to a light and a love that most people in this world truly do not see or feel yet. It is spreading as you can see and feel it. You are one of these farmers of Openhand who plants these wonderful seeds, like the {wemale seed} awesome. I know for me even after all these years of pain and hurt there are times that I want the pain just to stop, not just for me but for all living things. Moments of wanting to be with the loved ones that have already moved on from this life. I think to myself that I can watch from the other side and help from there and for the most times a feeling of profound sadness and happiness all at once, hits me. The closer I get to these feeling the more I see them, the more I understand them, the more I except them. I know that when I go within myself like this I have to be aware of the ego for this can feed the pain and hurt and cloud over any light that may be present. There is a place that is full of death that I visit a lot. It is a graveyard on the ocean shore here in Cape Breton. This beautiful place brings moment of bliss into my life when I question my beingness. There is a huge tree in the centre of this peaceful yard with an eagle's nest in it, just amazing. My profile picture is of one of the eagles leaving that nest. I was there 2 days ago, a lot going on in this head and needed some peace. Time has no meaning to me there. The 2 eagles except me as one of there own, it is like oneness. I had hugged one old tree there and thanked it for the time it spend here and at the same time I looked down and there was a tail feather from my friends the eagles, just an another blissful moment. You see I was wanting my eagle family experiences shared with a close friend and this feather is from the love of the eagle and myself. I will present this gift to my friend.

Zac when I come to this site for the most part I am searching for ways to ground myself, I see the bigger picture, and know that it is alright not to know. When I have dark moments, you and openhand are the rays of light that help guide me.Some times it is quite hard to see any light, I will close my eyes find one happy though and embrace it. This flicker of light will grow once more and help you see. So my wemale friend keep shining, and remember the sun shines even on rainy days. For the most part I have found my Home and it does not have walls or a roof it is call my body.

Much Love
Horse

You know Horse the first time I read one of your posts I felt a connection with you. Its strange cause I don't know you or have never met you but life is strange like that, some things my mind will never make sense of and Im okay with that, it actually adds to the mystery and wonder.
I totally understand what you mean by the more I learn the less I know, Ive come to the conclusion I know nothing, which in a way is a great relief.
I often visit graveyards too, I like looking into the past and connecting with people who have been here before me. There's a special one where a family lost 4 children in the space of 2 years each dying on seperate dates, the parents wrote the most beautiful message on their headstones (about god taking their buds to grow in his garden) the positive attitude these people had about such a tragedy really inspires me, so I took some flowers there not long ago and told them thank you for sharing their story with me.
My brother is buried in a graveyard very similar to the one you describe, its on a headland and overlooks the sea, I've gone there in times of turmoil and a feeling of peace washes through me, taking all the pain away (maybe I should go see him again).
I was driving today and thought of you (strange hey) and you know what I felt, I felt there's someone similar to me out there, feeling the same things as I do. I've met many people, great ones like the ones on this site, but I've never felt anyone really got me, until now that is.
It really helps to know your out there somewhere my friend.
Thanks heaps for connecting with me, I love you hey : )

Horse's picture

Hi Zac, to get to where you are in life you do know somethings. I think, knowing you don't know everything is what matters. We are all one with the universe and so I think we all have the answers we need within ourselves, if we look for them at the time we need them. Ask yourself (Show me). For the most part it works for me. There is not always and answer and this is when I have to pay close attention to the ego, so that it does not lead me astray.
Zac you mentioned your brother and how visiting him helped you, sounds like a good idea to visit him. Today I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my brother who pasted away a year ago and that my friend made me think of what you wrote here about yours. So you see it is like you said, life is funny that way.

much love bro

Absolutely!
The difficulty we can have communicating at times is the english language.
To 'know' something may mean a different things to different people. The 'know' I was referring to is the mind trying to make sense of things, which i say it never can. You can never know the absolute truth of anything, just a human perspective unique to you. Which I also say is an extremely limited view of reality.
Whereas here at openhand they use the word 'know' in relation to the flow of the soul, when you absolutley know something to the core of your being.
Its the same word but two totally different experiences.
A better way would be matrix style where we could tap into someones consciousness and share their actual experience of what their communicating, but technology in this world is extremely primitive, relative to other inteliigent entities Ive met from other worlds. But as kd said here we are.
I always ask 'show me' I get a pull and just go with it, whilst the egos saying what are doing? We cant do this? This is crazy?
Then another voice comes in saying 'hang on little one we're going for a ride'
The more I follow the pull, eventually the resistance gives in.
This probly makes no sense but who cares hey.
The main thing is what I feel now and I got no more words.
cu bro ; )

.Jen's picture

I have so enjoyed witnessing the sharing on this thread…the song you posted Zac spoke to me deeply at a point that I really needed to hear it…Freedom! yes, that is the journey to me…free from all the chains that I so intricately wound around myself, and steadily, sometimes explosively, sometimes ever so gently I shake them off, I am that which can’t be chained. Thank you all for sharing your many ways of connecting to, remembering who you are…the beautiful majestic trees…breathing each other in and out…the tiniest insects…feeling out with their teeny antennae…the soaring eagle, leaving his gifts in the form of a feather…the connection to all those who have journeyed here. You are all such magical, beautiful souls.

If I may share a bit of what is happening for me at the moment….it wants to be shared here Smile
A major question is wanting to arise every moment within me and not be denied, walked around, compromised…"Is this me?"

Reflecting on the current way of relating with the other…I was recently asked what the positive feedback loops are within that. At first I would say not much at this point…but upon further witnessing and reflecting I see that I enhanced and refined Ray 2 and 4 by the way he reflected these to me…a mixture of truth and distortion in those. I have learned what it is to fully embrace the other as they are being now from being in his presence, how to feel out and find ways of being that can dance together somewhat.

BUT a powerful yearning is screaming out to the reflection to show me what it is to not accommodate, to not compromise, to be who YOU really are no matter what. Inside I yearn to be challenged, for the line…for the boundary, for the courage to take a chance, to stand in your own truth and not budge to hold onto perceived need. This is what I am invited to be. I see the deep sense of loyalty and commitment in the other, but it’s not toward Self…it’s outwardly focused…huge reflection for me.

So that particular mirror is not reflecting what my soul is yearning to express now, it’s reflecting what I am not feeling to be right now.

So this is the question I have emblazoned within…Is this me? and the only answer is feeling for my own core vibration in it all…no more compromise of who I am…and that is moment to moment…pulling it all in. Let’s see what unfolds from there.

Yeaaa!
You express that so well Jen.
When I ask that question "who am I?" The next question is always "well whos asking" which then makes me laugh.
I say its a fundamental question to ask, no one knows the answer.
Be wary of anyone who says they do.
It a question for you and you only to explore.
Im taking alot from what you said! "The courage to be yourself no matter what!" Major goosebumps happening!
Go for it and dont let anyone stand between you and your freedom to express who you truelly are.
NO MATTER WHAT
Thats true commitment right there

.Jen's picture

hey Zac! You know I really love your energy ...the authenticity, whether its in the pits of density or tap dancing through with what feels like zaps of spontaneous multicolored lights...it's really an experience I enjoy witnessing...so thank you for being you!!

yeah! I appreciate the reflection...and the gusto behind it!

Is this me...feels like a naturally arising urge to bring all expression in line with what feels authentically "me"....noone can really stand in the way of that unless I let them....which I do in some areas...this energy builds though and the more "i" hold the river back, the stronger it wants to come through. There doesn't feel like there is really any stopping it.

Jen x

Thanks Jen!
I hit some major highs and lows relative to some but that's how I roll, its the maddest ride eva!!!
It may seem extreme to some but put it this way, it aint boring.
As long I dont get stuck or attached to the role its fresh and I was taught that long ago. The same rule always applies, all I have to do is stay present (keep out of it otherwords) and the flow of consciousness my existance is will handle the rest.
Its when people get identified to their role and try to force an outcome I see them get in trouble.
The outcome of this world is of no consequence. Eternity is ETERNITY.
I see it as a cosmic game of hide and seek and some you win some you lose. But I say again, eternity is eternity!
And to quote a line from one of my favourite movies:
"In the world of kung-fu, speed determines the winner"
Bam!

.Jen's picture

Ever feel like you want to run from it all.... Just fly off like a bird and never come back? I feel like that right now... Tired of engaging and feeling how to be in it....part of me is experiencing frustration around being a mother and what that means...i can't get away from it...and I realize I drew it to me to grow and learn but so much of it doesn't feel like me.

So, how to continue to engage with the kids and release myself from the limitations I feel around being a mother ... Surely I can fly while engaging here.... But I do feel that strong urge to get out as its all very dense and tight.... And yet that's just my reflection.

erica r's picture

Hi Jen,

Yes I know that all too well. A shift that occurred within was the perception of defining the role I played. I have come to see my role as a mentor and guide within this realm towards my sons thus emotionally and mentally allowing more of where I am at different points in time to evolve into a more aligned sense of beingness that feels right.

Now, I feel very grounded within the creation of the "home" that's created like a nest where the nurturing is easy. Boundaries come to mind. I had to let go of the imposed ideas that I became conditioned to operate within that felt unnatural when I had all the ideas associated of what a mother should be. Yes, I play the role of a mother but do I define the role and allow my rays of beingness to shine through or does the role define my experience? It's just a different stage to dance upon. I am ok if my sons feel the realities of this world, it's why they are here as well. Protection comes to mind.

I recently expressed how the Openhand retreats have embraced the cosmic being, as we all speak the same language. Going back to the time we were on the pier experiencing soul motion, aware of the ocean and the rising sun, all the life flowing. It was so amazing to let go of words so briefly as we all were being. Each of us accountable for our own energy and the expression through the body as we moved simultaneously yet independently. Then back into the confines of three D reality.... I understand there is no fault, it is a moving caging reality that us birds zoom out from yet our human vessels are grounded within. It's real to experience that challenge.

I had a realization last night as I have been contemplating much, how difficult it is to return once we are set free.... Then the thought, I chose to come here(earth). I may choose not to come back but I may choose to come back to experience the challenge within the density, to have experiences through the human senses... is amazing while simultaneously tragic but truly those are just words that each has a free will to experience as each reference points are different.

Much love to you Jen
Erica

Hi Jen

You can find a flow with the kids that's sacred and connected but it would be about honouring what feels right in each moment - not sticking to schedules, ticking all the boxes to perfect motherhood. Are you able to bring the kids with you on this journey - can you free-wheel with them, do you wake up with nothing in the agenda? I only ask because the only way I can be with my children is to take each day as it comes and the more we journey together the flow deepens around and within our connections - this way i don't feel like a mum anymore just part of this movement together.
Xx

.Jen's picture

Hi Erica and Katie,

So good to connect with you here and thank you each for your wise words.

I continue to grow in acceptance of each of my children's paths...constantly letting go of the need to be the role of mother versus a guardian at this stage...and yet I know that there are still levels of control that arise.

What I feel frustration around is that part of me doesn't feel right at all in this capacity of "mother". There are areas that I have yet to get it quite right in how to not control, but still set boundaries. It's a work in progress...like you mentioned, about the experience of soul motion we shared, where we three were in our experience, shared, yet individual.

Yes, part of me, just wants to zoom way out and not even engage in all of the drama at all...but similar to what you said Erica, I am here in this to engage and certainly to claim some aspects of me buried in this dynamic.

Katie - yes, you are right, this is what feels true and right. I look back at the program I loaded them up with when they were little...plan, plan, plan, playdates, schedules, lots of friends, always something to do, do, do... strange looking back on that time and what made me be that way. These days it is quite different - much more space in the day, less plan, more open to what comes up. This was hard for me at first as I felt I was suppose to be the "activities director" and the "creator of novel childhood experiences" hahaha. The trouble I find is that I feel stuck here...I am use to being able to head off to walk or go to the beach, but noone wants to go anywhere - they just want to play here in the house all day...and it's loud and chaotic and making me a bit nuts =)! Sounds like I have some stuff to work on!!
In particular, the need to get out, to escape the noise but also to escape the seeming mundane and to fill time. Feeling like this is inviting me to see and work with my distractions.

I have not free wheeled with them...you know what though, I am going to see how I might approach this...something to explore!

There is also an element of compromise that we all have to practice as it's rare that four people all feel the same and want to engage the same way at that moment.

I will work on these things ladies - thank you for your lovely replies. I am so grateful and so happy to hear that you have been able to be in this in a way that feels right...it's very reassuring.

With love,
Jen

Dont forget Jen being a mum fits under the banner of 'no matter what' too.
I certainly cant relate but I can relate to having to do things which dont fit under the banner of me, I just do what the universe requires of me regardless of peoples opinions including my own.
You supported me 'no matter what'which is more than I can say for others! You saw through the exterior and now so do I with you.
Smash this mother role out, you got this but never define yourself to it. Im cheering you on from the sideline friend.
No matter what ; )

Open's picture

Yes indeed! We have to let go of such definitions - such judgments - as 'father', 'mother'. They're just suits of armor, constraining who we are.

But letting go of the definition doesn't mean we loose the truthful committed compassion at the heart of it. The truthful way of being is what remains.

Yes others will struggle at first. But we don't have to struggle!

Open Smile

.Jen's picture

Hey Zac and Open,

Ahhh yes! It is so amazing to have the truth reflected back ... To not be supported in distortion.. Thank you!!! And yes this absolutely fits under "no matter what" as well! Smile

Of course yes, who here wants to escape and get out of the circumstances? But, the truth in it is letting go of where this mother identity is acting... It's challenging when the family has become accustomed to it all. I see in this expression a yearning to strip away what is not real in this as it no longer feels tolerable within to be managing, directing, controlling.

Dreamt last night that I was riding an elevator at mock speed ... It was completely clear ... I arrived at an airport where I discovered I had no passport and no ID and thought I won't be able to travel and yet I witnessed others being able to travel without their ID....perfect support of what we are saying here.... Traveling without ID!

Much love,
Jen

.Jen's picture

Set out on a journey to Ireland today... Landed in a hotel in North Carolina for the night =)... Not what was expected for sure! What an adventure it has been to just embrace it all... Floating in the sky in a holding pattern (yes recognize that pattern) and yet why is that happening... In the midst of it, all I could feel was total okness with the holding pattern and a recognition of its purpose... the opportunity to experience... So many rich connections today... Hundreds of people not able to go where they thought today... All waiting in line to find their connection or their bags and I found myself not waiting for anything, just connecting where I was... So many meaningful moments shared! So much joy!

What struck me most was witnessing the shared beauty of acceptance within everyone I engaged with... We were all just here in this place together and connecting beyond the seeming problem of being stuck somewhere we didn't plan on. There was just this shared experience and an opportunity to be here. Somehow there is just pure joy ...and how funny I am on my way to meet Kim and I meet another Kim with whom I have the most beautiful shared moments with... The Universe just blows my mind! After we skirted the storms, a brilliant rainbow appeared out the plane window and just felt like pure magic.

This song played today and I wanted to share as it just vibed so beautifully with what I am feeling and how it was floating up high!

Maybe tomorrow... Ireland Smile

Open's picture

Ahhh - warms my heart Jen.
Thanks for sharing.

Open Ok

.Jen's picture

Hi All,

There has been a reticence to write as it feels like it will disperse the energy I am feeling so writing without getting lost in how it sounds etc...just what is coming up...I am realizing how often I turn off and go into a sleepy place of disengagement. I have also realized that I often get identified with feeling...whether that is a blissy warm bath of inner love or a tight contracted smallness. I see now where I have been and am seeing how I am not that, but can allow it all to flow through, feel it but not be lost in it. Seems obvious,,,but there is a subtle shift inside. Oh my god, the waves of just warmth are indescribable...I feel I am on an adventure - tonight a date with myself - I feel magic in the air.

Abandonment is a word I am exploring...when I breathe into my heart I feel the deepest ache ...I see the fear of that experience in every moment that I engage with others...I see the abandonment of Self that happens instead...the anxiety I have been feeling is coming to be seen as suppression...becuase of this fear. I realize it's in the moment that I can confront this - it's the most challenging place for me...I may as well be walking on physical nails. And yet, I feel this strength in me...a part of me that's always been there and expressed comfortably when I was a child but now is held back. So, onward in this journey...love to you all here. <3

.Jen's picture

Bubbles....pop! Eventually... Denial only brings it to a more destructive shift. I am in this... There is a massive bubble in my solar plexus... Synchronistically today I went to a little cafe called Sweet Peas and there was mommy and me yoga going on and bubbles floating in the air for the little ones to enjoy... Ironic realizing now that I was there with my own mother and remembering the waitress telling me how she loves to use Zorbs which are big clear bubbles you can climb inside of and roll around.

Feeling into this bubble .. It presses out into my ribs and fills the entire middle of my body....I feel an ache in my sacrum and heart, tightness in my jaw and throat. I realized this bubble is everything I am holding on to.. Protecting it from popping. I see a girl inside holding this bubble and giving it energy, just little bits... Enough to keep it going. There is a ton of stuff in there and the pressure is growing. What a jumble...life keeps handing me the pin and somehow I keep swallowing it and avoiding the pop, but it's popping anyway in my physical health, in my emotional state, in my mental clarity. That's how it seems anyway. Tuning in.... Vulnerability arises and an invitation to be completely honest... Seeing how selfish this feeding of little bits is...

What am I truly resisting?
Rawness of feeling abandoned, alone, left behind, not included

When I contemplate the step toward what I am resisting I feel the truth in it... I look up and 3:33 is on the clock.

All life seems to be inviting now is complete honesty ... What a challenge it is.

Thank you for allowing the space to share here... It just feels good to express this right now. Love, jen

.Jen's picture

An aspect inside wants to shut down...it is strong and it has been acting within for such a long time. Just wants to cut off, "not care", toughen up and don't show anyone how you really feel. Though in this I also feel the Soul keeping it open, knowing that every place I seek for external validation is a place I am disempowered and yet, it doesn't serve me to close down either. So I share today to continue to work with this...I know that I am somewhat on my own right now...and that brings tears, but I know it's also not true and that being in the "lone space" is the place of connection to the all of it inside.

All of life is encouraging me to open, to be intimate with all of life, with all of me. To BE SEEN and to TRUST in myself...two directional flows one into the protective unseen unloved unfulfilled - the other to just soften through, though it feels more like a firey hell then a soft cushiony place...and that is just how it is isn't it? On this side of what scares us the most, on this side of patterning that is so ingrained that it feels like it would take the force of the Universe to come through it.

Everything is moving in, coming closer than I feel conmfortable with...the frogs, the fish, the squirrels, the birds and they are saying Embrace yourself, be HONEST about who you are, TRUST it is enough to navigate through whatever fire, whatever choppy seas.

It can't be just words though..I have KNOWN this...one thing I can say is I am not distracting myself from it and I am feeling the fuillness of how heavy it is to disappear. I share here only to not play games with it...to not shut down or disappear.

Much love to you all here and for the space that's held.

Deep gratitude,
Jen

PS .. Synchronicity showing me perhaps there is truth in disappearing... Who is disappearing? Also the sharing may be distancing me from the rawness of the feeling... Containment feels important now... Perhaps it is time to be with the energies without dissipating in conversation. <3

auntyangel's picture

I hear you. You have come to mind and heart recently. Before being on the site or reading this just now.
I see you. I felt the same Being behind me as you and we sat next to each other without exchange or sharing or working together in the studio in the summer but we cried the same tears. Beyond the sharing and before the sharing. That connection. That connection feels like a thread. A knowing and a happening from beyond the chatter where there is no need for Will to hold. You touch me there. Whatever you are/ I am, there was already a place where i am with you. You, we, all that is, are not alone - within this emptiness. Xxxx

.Jen's picture

Thank you Dear Jane... There are so many tears the screen is blurry .... It feels like a voice from a distant place reached out through space and time to both feel more of the ache and to just add a little sparkle to my heart and I thank you... With love, Jen

Trinity's picture

I understand that one - wanting to shut down, be tough and not show how you feel... because you an empath and you feel EVERYTHING.

You are going to unleash the incredible light of your soul, and your incredible purpose with it - by staying open.
Sending loads of love Jen!
x

.Jen's picture

Dear Trinity... yes... stay open. So much is arising just from not desensitizing in one form or another. Feeling and working with every single tightness that arises. Thank you <3 Jen

divinespark's picture

Jen! SiStar!

I applaud your courage for expressing and speaking out when it feels safer to retreat, hide, and disappear. I know that feeling well. It's not easy when one feels so vulnerable. I can't tell you how many times I've experienced similar feelings and how many times in my life that I did disappear and fade away, feeling like I was bound with my mouth taped shut. I still don't find it easy to stand, express, be out there and visible. It's a constant process of emerging from the shadows into the light. I've learned so much from all your sharings and beautiful vulnerability. Thank you.

Keep shining,

Much Love,

Cathy

Fiona Reilly's picture

Hi Jen,

Again you express so beautifully and vulnerably, it is now me that has the blurry screen through wet eyes.

I just wanted to say thank you, yet again what you share is a strong mirror and touches me deeply. I am with you.

With much love and gratitude,

Fiona

.Jen's picture

Dear Cathy and Fiona,

Feeling the threads of connection with you both is so incredibly heartwarming. There is so much that we all share isn't there? Vulnerability yes it's probably my self perceived great "weakness" that when embraced is great strength... in person it's not easy for me and I am sure many others as well... Hey but I know what I am working with and there are infinite opportunities to work with it Smile

Just a little story to share... Months ago I picked up these patio pavers that I found on the side of the road. They stayed in my car for a while, then made it to the garage and there they have sat untouched for months. Suddenly today I felt the urge to paint and the pavers popped up as a medium. So I sit here now just painting two pavers ...HOME and FLY. Literally engaging with this heavy concrete and letting them transform into beautiful stepping stones in the garden... This is the potential of being with the heaviness... The beauty that unfolds through it.

Big love to you all,
Jen

.Jen's picture

Feeling incredibly vulnerable of late and super sensitive - not able to handle much in the way of confrontational direct energy. I am finding it very difficult to relate to people - and I find myself isolating and cocooning a bit. Relational patterns are arising in greater frequency, highlighting areas where I get stuck. Much of what is arising seems to be around people suggesting what I should do, giving me advice or my perception of the other having an agenda or seeking to prove something to me. I see I do this as well especially with my children and I recognize that much of what I am drawing is coming from the energy of looking for/needing answers from outside, lacking trust in the Divine. These situations that are triggering me feel energetically very spiky and intrusive and set off massive fight or flight inside to the point I can't breath or think clearly and I feel like I am pulled into a spinning vortex of intense sensation- It seems the only way through this is to obviously work on what is drawing the circumstances in the first place and to stay with and contain the sensations in the moment even if that means there is just total apparent social awkwardness. When I meditate on this I feel an intense but silent warrior energy inside of me... It's a very tangible energy and feels like one way of being in respond to the energy I speak of.

Open's picture

I'm feeling for you Jen - a challenging time, yes.

On a recent facilitator gathering in Glastonbury, we could feel the field shifting strongly. It's as though the very bedrock is becoming pliable. Maybe you're feeling this in relation to your personal circumstances.

Sending love

Open Give rose

.Jen's picture

Hey Open - thanks for the feedback.... Always so valuable to see aspects of a bigger picture reflected in the personal. Things feel lighter today... But I did notice that things peaked around a sense of being contained and pressurized ... Through some feeling in and allowing the fear, anger, and frustration to surface, how I am being is coming through differently .... It feels like there is much more to go, but for now there is a greater sense of freedom flowing.

Much love,
Jen

.Jen's picture

Whoa I have felt seriously challenged this week to rise to the occasion and speak for myself... To make a clear boundary and to confront a very difficult situation.... I had amazing support to do so and feel very empowered in coming through it yet still some uneasiness around how it is received. The overriding feeling though is one of empowerment. Just so grateful for the integrity and clarity of the Openhand energy and the way Openhand the organization and people carry themselves... Never quite realized just how special that is until now.... A million thanks for all you are!!!