Hi there,

Thanks so much for your open hearted and frank sharing. You are very welcome here in our virtual community. Like so many of us, it is abundantly clear you've had a very powerful journey of inner questioning. My heart goes out to you.

I think it is only when we've really deeply explored all of the internal choices presenting themselves in life (and in a very real way) that the true journey can begin. It's clear you've investigated many spiritual approaches, took many good things from them but ultimately found them wanting - join the club!

What we've discovered time and again in working with people, it is not about building things up, but breaking things down: breaking down all those false hopes, desires, and identities. We witness time and again, that for all those who truly find their authentic selves, it is about becoming totally vulnerable to the absolute reality of the moment, allowing our hearts to be broken time and again....until they are broken back into one.

Here at Openhand we've discovered the only real and lasting way to this supreme sense of surrendered completeness - our true home - is profound honesty with ourselves: honouring exactly what we're feeling no matter how painful; going deep into that pain, feeling it fully, immersing ourselves in it, drinking it in through every pore until our identity with it explodes like a vanishing bubble.

As we continually do this, by deep inner confrontation, then the authentic rightness of the soul simply emerges from that space of emptiness. We as presence have shed our need for the moment to be any particular way. We're not hiding behind veils any more. We're accepting the moment fully as it is, allowing truth to speak through us. This is the only lasting peace we've discovered.

Now that you've traveled so far, and become so disillusioned with all the illusions, the landscape is perfect for you to join us in that hallowed space. I do hope you'll join us there.

With deep empathy and love,

Chris

PS: I was given to share this from "The Dance" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer...

"Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be ... some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next...

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall, the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will. What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart. And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again."

Chris, thanks for the warm welcome, much appreciated! Each one of us on this journey of self discovery has to encounter the accumulated pain and conditioning which began at birth - or maybe whilst in the womb?! The education(I prefer to call it indoctrination )system inflicts so much damage upon us that its frightening! We don't receive an education but we do suffer from suffocation! True education is about expression of the soul not about remembering times, names and places parrot fashion. The Rudolf Steiner schooling method is a more healthy and positive way of education, it doesn't stifle but encourages growth, enquiry and expression.
Family life can be a frightening voyage, especially for those who have been abused either physically, sexually or mentally. I am fortunate only to have experienced emotional and mental abuse, which is bad enough! I have close friends who have suffered sexual and physical abuse, and their stories fill me with horror.
Both my parents have gone Home, and I have no contact with my remaining family(no contact for 6 years)which actually suits me fine! They are not people I want to be associated with! My wife and daughter are all I need! Families can be the cause of so much pain!
I know I have to work through many painful family memories, but I'll not dodge the dark shadows of yesterday! Of course I have the post family traumas to deal with, but I'm not alone in that! Its healthy to face the pain!
I look forward to my time here Chris, although I am finding this new venture hard to cope with! Self enquiry frightens me! I'm fine reading about UFO's and ghosts but when I switch gears and work on myself a part of me becomes like the rabbit caught in the oncoming cars headlights!!!

In Peace,

Len

Hello Zeek

I really wanted to say something because I resonated so much with what you wrote. But nothing 'smart' came, so I just share what I feel, and my own experience.

You wrote about numbness and waiting for the end, and I just knew it, felt it. I feel the frustration, the pointlessness, the sadness, the feeling of being hopelessly damaged, finding comfort in small things, if at all. I was living like this between 13 and 19, and then it kept coming on/off till 28, along with constant suicidal fix. And I was really surprised to find out that it was still here to a certain extent, where all the spooky and heavy stuff is stored I didn't have the guts to go into...

I also felt this anger and grudge against my family (consisting of mom, sister, deceased grandmother and a couple of stepfathers I had) and the system around, the world and 'God', even though I didn't believe in his existence, but there was nobody else to blame for all this. It looked so huge, on the universal scale, like the whole world is dark, miserable and empty, that it seemed that there is somebody 'big' responsible for all this.

I was crying and shouting: take me out, let me out!!! Get me out of here!!!!! I want to die!!! Out! Ooooouuuuut!!! I was tearing my hair, scratching my skin, trying to break through, later I began to cut myself. But nothing happened... I was still here.

Until, ~ my 19-20, I said enough: I am taking responsibility over myself now, I will bring up, educate and take care of myself now. I was afraid and didn't know how to, but I had no choice, it was a matter of life or death, I couldn't live with what I had, with the toolkit I got in my childhood, with the past, which is more or less this:

I was abused from all possible perspectives you can imagine, since I can remember myself. No, I was smashed. Both by my mother, with whom I finally made my internal peace by understanding why she was and is like this and forgiving her fully, by the system (I grew up in USSR) and by people coming around and having their comfort and 'fun' on my account, when I couldn't really understand what's right or wrong and my senses were all dimmed by fear and depression (have you ever seen depressed child? it is really interesting picture https://picasaweb.google.com/114174186640749102158/Child?authkey=Gv1sRgC..., I'm ~9-10 here, and the flowers were put into my arms without asking me if I am actually interested ), so you even might say I cooperated. And I have made my way to realize that all this was inevitable, it was nobody's fault.

And now I don't see it this way, it seems that I was like this forever, and brought it all upon myself... but anyway... back then...

I was beaten and abused, the first 'trauma' was when my mom threw a jar at me in anger and hatred, when I was between 3 and 5, and I got this huge bruise... Sometimes it became really ugly, even bloody, like when I was 6-7, I was beaten by my mom and grandma together, by them both, and the buckle of the belt I was beaten with got released by mistake and stuck in my skull, and when they took it out, the blood was streaming and I was happy, sadistically and masochistically, because I was glad, like I had my revenge, and also they were all worrying about me out of sudden. I was sadistically pulled by my hair or skin, I can't even hope to count the times I was slapped, hit, cuffed on the nape (really not gently), belts, cords were much in use, and I developed not bad dodging abilities with all the flying objects in the direction of my head. It is just a couple of the endless flashes I have from my childhood.

Not to mention that I was constantly humiliated, cursed, wished dead, threatened, intimidated, thrown out from 'home' sleeping on benches(I never felt home anyway), suppressed, hated and whatever you want... I was the ultimate punching bag to absorb all the sadness, despair, frustration, anger, irritation, sadism, hatred, everything was spilled out on me. And I was not good for anything else, totally unworthy, unless I did what pleased others, and with all the rest I was laughed at and disrespected, taken not seriously flushed with ridicule and sarcasm. There were clear moments and periods, but just so few that they got drowned in all this swamp. And with all that I cannot say I was not loved. My mom did love me and was very miserable herself after all these happeneings, she was just lost herself.

And outside, out of home, guess what, I again was beaten, one of the times I flew in the air, when my teacher at school, who weighted ~100+ kg gave me a nice 'caress'. I was forced to eat when I didn't want to and when I protested, they spilled hot porridge into my shirt. I played with the ice on the metal pipe, licking it because it was funny this sticking feeling, but then at some point I got adhered to it... they just tore me off it, and I was standing with my mouth open, face down and bleeding for eternity, I was put in a row and made marching, everything around was dark, dreary, miserable and empty. All the depressed, crushed people, alcoholics, junkies...

There was nowhere to go, no safe place for me, I felt totally lonely...

There was not much comfort for me those days... At some point I got introverted, with splashes of playfullness here and there (I was a child anyway for God's sake), the only pieces of comfort I found back then was going and building myself 'home' in the bushes outside, and in the hands of nature, eating the berries and seeds and fruits that grew all around, playing and going into some fantasy worlds, I built paper theater for example, or into what I now understand was 'occupational therapy' (sawing for dolls, cooking poisons , building houses from stones and tree branches, all that), I did love to play outside, run, jump... and the swinging!

I was lucky to be very joyous, creative and curious child, also I was blessed with some character, strength, so they didn't totally break me...

and the sea... I had some bond with it, some connection, it was my only real friend, and when it was destroyed, uglified, stripped of its color and life, my heart got totally broken and still is. It was reflecting me, how the blue, the sparkles, the light, all the fauna and flora, life were taken from it and dark, turbid water with garbage, waste and feces floating over it was left. My friend... I am still crying, never got over it...

So...

Why am I saying all this?

We all have our 'record', our sack to carry. We all were abused, damaged, hurt and suppressed in this way or the other. We all have our hearts squeezed and broken. This is the way of this world as it is now. And it is really nobody's fault. I really have no anger towards anybody or anything personally no matter what they did or do to me, and learned to take the responsibility and to understand others. Now I can really empathize with all those people from the past, I understand, I feel their pain, see that they couldn't do otherwise in those circumstances. They were hurt and abused themselves.

So nowadays I just feel whatever I feel, a general anger and frustration, no, I feel furious! And I own it and use it as a fuel, I just feel it fully, whatever arises, and under that there is a pure power, just a clear driving force to go forward, to do whatever is needed to be done.

These days my inner child begins to finally carefully, slowly, with caution, like a scared animal to climb out, and this is the saddest and the most frightened creature I have ever seen, and he is coming out with all that stuff I described.

How do you deal with these things? How do you feel it all and don't want to just blow up all this world around together with yourself?

So for me this is really owning the feelings, these are MY feelings. Nobody is there to beat me now, to force me, to suppress me. I am all given to my own mercy now. And what do I have to do with it NOW? Keep myself sad and miserable? Keep hiding in fear? Keep this child in there, with all the tears it has to cry, screams it has to scream, but also with all the joy it could have had and awaiting it if I let it all out?

I left the blame and the grudge behind, 7 years ago, but I didn't know what to do with what I have inside. I live it all again now, knowing that this is not me, this is just stuff stored from the past, I just have to do some cleaning, to shake the dust.

And it IS scary, like you say, it IS very scary. I realized only recently that I have built a defense wall around all this. I would go in circles processing anything but THIS. How can one go into something like this out of choice?

I admit, I couldn't really collect the courage and step into it for 3 months, I would hit some spot and distract myself to something else, but it was already coming up, leaking through tiny holes and chinks.

But the thing that broke this wall, (not too long time ago, YESTERDAY ) was sharing my feelings and what happened, telling about them to somebody else first, just stepping out of the defense-cell, breaking the cocoon.

I wrote a letter to a 'conscious' friend who could maybe understand and not-identify and ready for this kind of letter. I felt fear to be rejected, not accepted with all this, not loved, that I will be judged as not spiritual, attached... But I just took the risk and let it all out anyway, as it is, without hiding behind being spiritual and non-identified, strong, calm and cool, funny and nice to be around...

I finally allowed myself to be as I am and talk from the feelings and not from the mind or this "I am strong and perfectly ok", and also not from the observing place. I felt angry, and frustrated and as I was writing, associations, pictures, memories, situations in life I felt it in came, I WAS HERE BEFORE, I felt it here, here and here... and the wall began to crumble.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!!

I am NOT calm!
I am NOT ok!
I am NOT in peace!
And THIS is all over me!

all the feelings and emotions and the tightness and the lumps

I could feel all the energies in me moving, coming with all these...

At some point I realized that so many strands are coming from my inner child, I couldn't believe it! It was everywhere in my life, affecting my feelings, my behavior, almost everything.

And I kept him silent, didn't let him talk (I say him, but it feels like genderless)... Later I allowed myself to ask this friend: "am I ugly and stupid?". I was aware, not lost, I was brought to ask this question and I didn't stop it, like I would even two days ago. This was my inner child talking. He was crying. And then I saw him.

And once I have seen this inner child, so hurt, so sad, so afraid, my heart melted and I just wanted to hug him forever, surround him with love, caress and take care of him. And then the miracle happened: I softened!

I became a mother to him, I hugged and craddled him (probably looked a bit crazy), took him to brush teeth, asked him what he wants to eat... told him I am here, and I am listening to whatever he wants to say, that he is free to be him now, that he is loved as he is, and he cried to me and fell asleep in my arms.

And now we are doing everything together and he can heal, can go out to the world and feel loved, feel happy, feel free. IF I help him, if I am there for him.

And I show him. When we eat I tell him "look how loved you are", I show him Mother Earth and tell him "look how loved you are" and he is crying and crying...

These are my experiences.

So under all this numbness and 'relative okayness' is found a huge open heart, broken, and the child not loved, but needing and looking for it, and totally scared.

And even that I only met him and we have now a lot of time to spend together, heal, see the world and find love and joy, but I already feel such a relief. And I feel peace.

So it appears I don't have to die to find peace and love.
I can have them here and now too, through the shells, through the pain and sorrow.

All that is needed is to get up, straighten the hunched back, 'take the reins into the hands', like the words Chris said during the Trans-course: "you are big now"... you are big now, and you can stand for yourself...

and to feel, acknowledge and respect these feelings, feel it all, let it be, let it flow through, spread all over until it made its way through and out and all relaxes, eases, softens and cleares. What a relief! a redemption... And then everything fills with love, peace and completeness, and the light is shining all over.

It might sound surreal and unreachable, I thought it was impossible for me. But it is near, right under the nose, IN ME, don't need to go anywhere and it's worth it, worth it! I am not afraid anymore. Now with this love I have for myself now.

What is hiding under your numbness? under your cocoon? You can go there and see for yourself that this is not that bad once you're in with an open heart and arms ready to embrace whatever you find there, to embrace yourself, as you are.

Sending all the love I have to give and a big warm hug,
Yulia

It is funny how I am now looking in fear and panic in my email box to find email that says that it was wrong that I wrote all this I looked 4 times, until I got it...

Amazing!

So what do I do with it? I go have some talk with the child and a hugging session