Hi Bill,

Thanks for sharing your situation. My heart goes out to you. I've encountered many people who've spoken of suicide. I can empathise that in these frequently dark and difficult times, it might seem like the only way out. However, let me assure you, in my truth at least, it is most definitely not a any kind of lasting 'solution' to the issues and problems we mostly face.

In short, suicide is denial of why we are here. It demonstrates we are not accepting of what is going on. The purpose of incarnation is to learn, evolve and grow: to relinquish attachments to what is going on for us in life - but that's not by leaving it altogether. Were you to choose suicide, you may well leave behind the conditioning of the bodymind, however, you wouldn't leave behind the karma that created it. The karma would stay with you and create another incarnation of similar circumstances again with the purpose of inviting you to overcome your resistances to life.

So as difficult and challenging as life may sometimes seem, suicide is no solution. It may offer a temporary way out, but we'll simply recreate a similar story to deal with further down the line.

The only way out is through: to work to become awesomely okay with whatever is going on for us; to try to look through the difficulty and find the lightness which exists in and through every situation. I know it's not at all easy, but whatever is happening for us in our lives, we always have the choice as to how we experience the moment. The light within can never be extinguished. Just keep looking for it.

When all is taken from you, even amidst your deepest sorrow, there is something totally inviolable and ever-present within you. If you keep looking, you will find the candle and the candle will become a flame, soon a fire that transforms your being and your life. Keep looking my friend, you will find it.

With love and blessings

Chris

Mr Bourne....
Hello and thank you for your attention... after your letter I cannot dismiss your words, you said the only way out is through, and it helped me realize that seeing the planets and a universe that I dont fully understand is proof enough to myself that I shouldnt be thinking that I fully understand my own thoughts to the point of getting lost in them as I was, I am more aware now to be more aware... I still have some incredible issues to face, but luckily they are not health related....you will think this is petty but in the next couple weeks I have an arbitration hearing that if I dont win I will owe more money and interest to the government than I could ever pay back, I got unemployment for a while but before it started I took a min wage job for a few weeks because I was flat broke now the gov wants me to pay it back with unbelievable penalties and interest, I have lost my car, house, 401k and job all in the last year... got my butt kicked matrix style (haha), and for the last 4 weeks I have had .92 cents in the bank to my name, I dont know why I let it crush me but it was, anyway after your letter I had to think it through to try to go through, as you said, and although I am limited with my perception, I came to the conclusion that the worse case scenario was that, if I owe them, and cant pay them, I'll simply ask that they give me a cell to sit in to pay it off... I am an exercise nut so Ive concluded that I would just spend all my time doing push ups sit ups and meditating, however I also know that that conclusion is limited simply by the state I was in mentally last week, so I dont have any answers but I feel much better and I really wanted to thank you for helping give me some direction...I COULDNT HAVE ASKED FOR MORE... there is so much more I would like to express however it has taken me a week to come up with this expression and I know you have to a very busy man, so I will leave it at that, and I will say and continue to say in all my thoughts everyday , from here on out THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU... I am at yours and the worlds service... and I guess I will try to keep my service eyes open in hopes I can find even more direction...
I love you...
-Bill

Hi Bill,

Thanks for the reply, I'm glad my comments were of some help.

I feel deeply for you and your predicament. Yes, what's going on the in the States is very difficult indeed, I can see there's a great deal of injustice and control. At the same time, it might help to contemplate how it must be for others too. In Iraq for example or Afghanistan or Africa where there is much violence and starvation. I've often thought, just like you, what's the worst they can do to me if I do something wrong in the eyes of the matrix? Lock me up in a cell? Well at least I'd have plenty of time to meditate! And it didn't do Nelson Mandela much harm!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to belittle your situation. I know it is serious. However, whatever situation we may find ourselves in, we always have the freedom to choose what and how we are being in response to what goes on. Whatever freedom of movement they may take away from you, they can't possess your soul. I'm reminded of that great film "Invictus"...

I'm also reminded of Victor Frankl who was an Aushwitz survivor and witnessed incredible inhuman atrocities there during the holocaust. Yet even in these horrendous circumstances, he was able to see the light through the darkness. Here is a deeply moving quote of his based on his experiencies...

"Between stimulus and response there is a space...
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

So yes, we always have the freedom to choose our response because we, and we alone, are the captains of our souls!

Chris

Hi Bill,
it seems that Chris has found just the right words to help you move on (in more than one sense). - He is good at that, you know.

Just wanted to say that your contribution made me cry and that I have a lot of empathy for the difficult situation you find yourself in. I am a freelancer and I have found my tolerance level for financial crunches to be very low indeed. But then, in my heart, I also know that nothing on the outside can ever define (or crush) who we truly are.

Plus, the way the world is working right now, depending on one's viewpoint, it is possible, probable or even certain that the world economy will collapse which means that millions of people would all of a sudden find themselves in a similar situation to the one you are in now. We are all just imagining that we are safe on the outside but this can easily be disproven by all the things that DO happen to people on a daily basis. The simple truth is that ultimately we are not in control, whether individually or collectively. The only security we have comes from that deep inner place of knowing, that place which is inviolable (and invaluable)and many more things.

I just checked on the internet how an arbitration hearing works and it seems that amongst other things, you will be asked to make a statement. My advice to you would be to avoid coming from the place of the victim and instead go into that place of inner knowing that Chris has been addressing. And also to take care of yourself in the way that if you have any influence in choosing a legal advisor to really choose a person whom you trust in your guts.

I wish you good luck and I am truly happy that Chris could help you.

Tasneem

P.S. I had the good fortune of seeing Victor Frankl at a conference shortly before his death - he was 90 years old and the keynote speaker - and remember him as a wise old man who was completely at peace with himself.

Thank you so much, you are very kind, I have always been a loving, caring person almost to the point where alot of people that know me laugh at me... I never hurt anything, weeks before I lost my job last year there was a mouse in the kitchen and everyone freaked out, some of the guys grabbed golf clubs to try to kill it, they had it corned several times but it somehow kept getting away, and all I could think was what would it be like to have everything in sight literally trying to kill me, it bothered me so I got very mad at everyone and made them stop and said, " I'll get the mouse." I put on some gloves and chased that thing around for at least an hour trying to catch it but boy was he hard to get, at the point when it was obvious to everyone that I couldnt catch it, they grabbed their golf clubs and started again, I dont know why but I was very very upset...I wanted to cry at watching the FUN everyone was having at trying to kill this mouse, but I wasnt going to cry at work in front of everyone over a mouse cause it made me feel kinda stupid...I went to go out the back door
so no one would see my emotion and as I opened the back door to go out the mouse raced right by me with everyone chasing it and it disappeared in the bushes...at the time I just felt it was amazing luck, but after Chris pointed out the war in Iraq, and Afganastan, and I'll never forget that mouse, so even though these financial issues do make me feel very very tense there is no way to even compare them to some of the issues at hand in the world, and so Im sure if things dont go my way no matter how much it eats me up inside I KNOW that it is nothing. I have a very hard time getting my mind to shut up I am super energetic so I have real challenges with quieting myself, however the one thing I took from Chris's letters is that it is the universe inviting us to overcome our resistances, well I may never get there but at least I will definately know that my conscious is at least pointed somewhat in the right direction and I can live with that, no matter what....I am at your service, and thanks again for your time and thoughts....
LOVE
-Bill

Hi Bill,

I loved your story about the mouse and how you had so much compassion for the little creature that was trying so hard to stay alive, so great that just "being you" helped it escape to a safe haven.

I have always received so much light and love; such uplifting moments from the natural world. Anything at all, a shaft of sunlight, rustling leaves, fluffy white clouds, a robin pecking crumbs, a starry night, the breeze on my face, a dog with a waggy tail, a squirrel burying nuts, I could go on forever.... Seems like there's the whole special world of perfection and beauty to connect with, wherever you are, there's always at least a glimpse. My body relaxes, my heart sings, my face smiles and I remember the joy of human beingness that really means something.

All that matrixy madness - don't let it grind you down brother.

With love,
Lesley xx

Hi Lesley...
Its unbelievable as I respond to some of these letters the memories that come back to me, my whole life I have never really focused so there have been plenty of loose ends and untaken care of business, however despite that, I have always put myself in anothers place and I am very compassionate, I am beginning to remember dozens of stories that like that one at the time I thought, that was different or weird however Im looking back now and realizing the immense lessons and incredible things that I have experienced and how life has done everything in its power to display incredible things personally for me, right in front of my eyes... Million to one shots have occurred for me almost constantly in my favor despite my own undoing, Im thinking of putting all these stories and experiences down on paper although Im not sure yet what I would do with them, however one thing Im feeling as I write this is that Im much more than I have ever given myself credit for, and Im so so so not alone... so thank you and I am at your service forever...
Im really hoping that one day I can offer much more to Chris, you, and anyone who would take me up on it...
LOVE
-Bill

Hi Bill,

It's great when all the dots start joining up isn't it?
Funny how it so often takes these major life crises to get us to see what's been in front of us all along.
Through different circumstances, I have left much of my former life behind and I don't miss any of it. I'm really living in a life affirming and fulfilling way now, not in a program of expectations and desires. I wouldn't swap that for anything! It's taken a few years of shedding old habits and conditioning, tuning in to the finer vibrations, but every bit of attention I've given it has multiplied the light in my life many times over. We just have to get off the treadmill and explore who we are and find a more harmonious way of being.

Warmest wishes to you as your path unfolds...
Lesley x

Hi, Bill,
At the age of 14-25 I was suffering from the overall feeling of "why to live long hard frightening life just to be dead in the end", I don't belong here, don't want to play "your stupid pointless game in life" , huge anger on humanity, "why on earth did I have to be born" question...and a fixation on killing myself and being angry for not being able to do it properly "till the end".

Then I found myself being angry on SOMEONE, someone outside - why did you do this to me? who might be that? praying to be dead. It took me about 5 years to realize, that it won't let me die, after I was crossing highways without looking, poisoning myself with pills, destroying myself...

So, I almost really died a couple of times, but...I was not meant to.

Then I came to the conclusion that if I didn't die yet, it means this is not what I really want. Because people just die everywhere without doing anything, but not me. Someone there wanted me to keep walking this earth.

Now after a little sad prologue

As an experienced suicider , I'd like to share my "suicide experiences and contemplations":

1. This is a very hard thing to do, if you're not 100% in it. If there's 1% of doubt or fear, it might work, but only accidentally. I know some cases where the unsuccessful suicide ended in seriuos injuries and disability, which definitely didn't make the life any easier.

2. After those 5 years I suddenly realized, that if I'm still alive, than I don't really want to die, I just want to end the suffering. It's not the same. Some of the times it arised I felt, that I just don't see any other way out, don't know what to do, how to deal with it. Some of the times I felt it was act of crying out "somebody help me".

3. Then I felt, that if I'm brave enough to kill myself, then I'm surely brave enough to go on and find my way out.

3. I said, if there's that huge darkness, then for sure there's an opposite to that in this world, for everything is balanced, it means, that there's just as huge light, happiness, I just need to learn to see it, to find it.

4. All this happened gradually, because it became a habit - I suffer -> I want to die. I don't get what I want -> I want to die. And then I could clearly see it. That it was my enormous need to control and manipulate reality that caused so much despair, anger and pain.

I thought I know how things should be every moment and in general, it would be the perfect scenario, but it was not what was going on. So it's my ignorance and arrogance that brought me so much pain all those years.

5. After that I stoped pointing fingers outwards and realized that I'm the only person who can really help me, I'm the only one responsible for myself, I'm my friend, I'm my comfort, I am everything to myself... I hug myself when I'm sad, I cheer myself up, I do everything..That's when I stoped feeling lonely, abandoned and don't belong.

All the rest was history, As soon I started to ask "the right questions", instead of "why me?" and "why this way" out of anger, I asked "what does it mean?", "what should I do?", I said "I don't understand anything, help me"...out of curiosity, out of being blanc and open, then I was brought to different places, books and people to answer me...

I also thought about it many times: what difference will it make if I die? It didn't make scense...

But now I feel that if I die, I run away, try to hide. Even in our world it doesn't bring any fruits, this kind of behavior. Why should it in any other case?

I could spend many more years and be blind, coming from a place of blaming others, from a place of victim, trying to avoid and run away from responsibility and "task" laid upon me. But it was not my destiny, I was clearly being taken care of by something much bigger and "smarter" than me, it brought me where I am now...writing this

What I'll say next is all from where I've been and where I'm now, so I'll talk to you from this place:

After reading it, you can choose whether to spend so many years being angry on and chasing your own shadow, or to start asking the questions.

I think that if you got to this site and wrote what you wrote, then I wouldn't think you want to die, I would bet you already are looking for the answers. And you are being taken care of, something in you is letting it happen, something in you is following your higher option of dealing.

I think this pull to kill yourself it's the pull to "kill who you are at the moment", and you don't know where to go... Just ask.. The answer will come.

And a good thing to remember - you are not alone not alone who is going through hard times and made it through, you will make it through too, if you want to. And you are not alone, you have your higher you to guide you.

Yulia

Hello Yulia...
Thank you for sharing, this last week has been the most wonderful week Ive had in a longtime, I kept reading Chris's
words, breaking down each sentence, the words, "it's life inviting you to overcome your resistances.." gave me a clear direction on how to deal with things, instead of controlling or manipulating them, as you said...and the touching letters Ive received have really charged me with loving positive emotion all of you have been so great so thank you very much... I am being taken care of...Example..I am a weight lifting madman, and today I just wasnt feeling it and I didnt really do my leg workout at all like I wanted, I thought about it all the way home, went home and for some reason it was still heavily on my mind, after a while I went to walk my dog and I saw a car broke down on the road creating traffic, so I ran over and started pushing it from behind to help the guy, and it was a big car I pushed as hard as I could for half a block slightly uphill, I thought I was gonna die, I was trying to hurry cause their were some people honking and buy the time I was done my legs were so heavy and I was so shakey that I had to sit there for almost 15 minutes...And then all at once it hit me, theres the leg workout you were wanting...It just keeps getting better and better....thank you everyone, I love you...
Love
-Bill

We were hitching together side by side along the highway, laughing joyously in the late afternoon sun, sharing stories of love and light. A sudden roar like all the demons from hell came upon us and she was gone. The semi's tail lights were a lasting memory I could not shake ... nor the crushed remains of her body by the roadside. After a decade or drugs, my only escape from the images in my head would be suicide, but it could not be the sort of suicide where someone ELSE might become traumatised at the sight of MY remains ... it had to be clean, safe, isolated. I shed my clothes and all things of this world and walked deep into the rainforest to surrender myself to the elements. To die of exposure ... I could not be more exposed. I waited. It was such a beautiful place to die ... everything was so natural, so abundant and full of life ... full of love! The only thing in the forest that was not full of life was ... well ... ME! Then I laughed. "I am here to die ..." I thought, "... but how do you die when you are not alive to begin with!" I laughed again ... so loudly that it caused the rainforest birds to call out too, as if sharing that moment of joyousness. Then I realised that I had not felt such joy for over a decade. Then she was there again, beside me, inside me ... her smile in every tree, every blade of grass; her laughter in every birdsong; her beauty in every fragrant flower. She had always been there, waiting for me to join her again ... to return to life again. I lived in that forest, naked, for over a month foraging, sampling things to chew on. No meals. When I finally emerged into the mundane world again, I was reborn into the totality of ALL life, not simply my own. I had communed with GAIA, the living Earth and found that to value my life individually ... to think I had some right to end it in isolation, was in truth, an act of selfishness. My life belongs to ALL life ... who am I to even consider taking my beauty from the world? Who am I to be so arrogant to think I could take my love away from the greater Love of all that IS?

Suicide is the realm of those who have already experienced, or who are in the process of experiencing a state of death to life. It is simply the act of trying to place the body in the same place as what a person is already feeling. It is not a 'surrender' to anything, it does not end the suffering, it is simply a means to an end! To truly surrender is most often, the pathway to freedom from suffering ... and in doing so, returning to a state of be-ing alive! I love you.

Thank you for such a powerful sharing Gwyddon.
I am blown away, feeling such depth of insight through your sharing. This IS where it's at!!! Coming to the edge - right to the edge; it is paradoxical how fully feeling death through every cell can be the very inspiration that wakes us up to life.

Trinity
x

Wow! What an experience, what a post. The Openhand Community is truly blessed that you share it with us.

"Suicide is the realm of those who have already experienced, or who are in the process of experiencing a state of death to life."

For me, that is absolutely true. And there's a wonderful paradox in it. I've faced death many times in my life. I've discovered, just like you, that when we can truly embrace death, we truly discover life.

So I've often thought it's natural to contemplate our mortality in this way - I believe it's a valid journey of the soul. Even the Dalai Lama talks of 'contemplating our death every day'.

Yet of course there is a fundamental difference between contemplating our death, even testing ourselves with it and yet not actually taking our own life, which as you say, achieves little and is not, by any means, an end to suffering.

Thanks once more for a truly memorable post.

Chris

As someone who remembers past lifes I can testify that what ever we deny in one life time will simply return with us in the subsequent incarnations in various forms - until of course we work with it and transcend the karma with absolute authenticity.

We can run but we can't hide.

Gwyddon,
That is really something, between your story and the MS
story I read with Chris's response, Alot of love sharing that...Im held speechless... THANK YOU...

LOVE
-Bill

I don't think anyone can judge about this subject. It makes me feel very bad when I think about it, simply because I don't understand (very happy about that) what could drive a person to commit suicide. He must have such battle withim himself, unimaginable and beyond the reach of people who didn't have that struggle. Therefore I think nothing truly 'wise' can be said.

But as far as the initial question/subject concerns, I think to consider suicide as an option to speed up the process of being at one with the universe sooner is 'wrong'. Then indeed I would say that's a denial of who we are.

Happyness,

Pieter.

Emotions and external environment are product of your inner “discernment”. That’s why we all can respond different to the same situation. Choices and responses are made according to how you feel. Sooner or later we need to deal with our own issues and suicide let us with the root problem but without body to deal with it.

The biggest opportunities are found in time of crisis. In crisis is born the creativity , the strategies, and the hope.

Blessings
Monica