Welcome to the humour thread...
Feel free to share any jokes, funny stories here.
Used with kind permission...
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
"I think it would be a good idea." - Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western civilization.
Have you heard of the cow who attained liberation?
It was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM !
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.
I learned everything from Noah's Ark!
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
10. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
11. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
12. Don't miss the boat.
13. No matter how bleak it looks, if God is with you, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
Zen Master Has A Hotdog
So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, hungry bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion!'"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
submitted with kind permission
Imagine the conversation between "God" and St. Francis on the subject of lawns :lol:
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
God: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes, Sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
God: And where do they get this mulch?
St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?
St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about.....
God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books and crying. He asks what's wrong. "The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk
I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!
These are so hilarious :lol:
What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?
Nothing wrapped in Emptiness.
How did the birthday child respond?
You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."
This cartoon is from The Zoo Fence
Used with kind permission...
Used with kind permission.
Heartfelt Thanks :lol:
You now that story about the four young monks who take a vow of silence? They're sitting in the meditation hall, when one of them complains out loud about something.
Then the second one says "be quiet!" then the third one says, "you are both talking!"
then the last one says, proudly, "I am the only one who has not spoken!"
Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the wet monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
He enters Nerdvana.
Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
Because they have no attachments.
"I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
2005 After the planned supplement legislation: That root is BANNED! Take this combination of pills and antibiotics!
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she thought she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
A young man decided to become a monk.
He joined the local monastery to be initiated into the spiritual life.
As part of his training he was told he must live in one room, with one meal a day in complete silence. Every six months he was allowed out of the room and could say three words.
After the first six months the man was let out of the room and taken to the Abbot. The Abbot asked, do you have anything to say? The man replied "bed too hard." Ok said the Abbot, we will see what we can do.
Six months later the man was let out of the room again and taken to see the Abbot. "Do you have anything to say?" asked the Abbot. The man replied "room too cold." Ok said the Abbot, we will see what we can do.
After another six months the man was let out of the room again and the Abbot asked him if he had anything to say. "Not enough food" replied the man. Ok said the Abbot, we will see what we can do.
After another six months the man came out of his room and the Abbot said to him "I am sorry but you have failed to become a monk".
"But why?" asked the man. The Abbot replied, "you complain too much".
Chris Madden has a wild sense of humour :lol:
I love this guy!
You'll find him at www.chrismadden.co.uk
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"As your a new patient with me, I do apologize, but I haven't had time to review your case file and I'm not really aware of your problem." The psychiatrist said, "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"But of course." Replied the patient, "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth ..."
Bumper sticker humour
"Its ok. I didnt beleive in reincarnation last time either"
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness" says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing that he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back on his motorcycle and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think this guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean a really big shot," said the cop.
"Who've you got there, the Mayor?"
"Well", said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."
Hope this raises a smile.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
A mother was preparing pancakes for her boys, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, he would say,
"Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?
" Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
So what if God made man first?
Doesn't everyone make a rough impression before making a masterpiece!
I once cheated on my metaphysics exam; I lookd into the soul of the boy next to me.
I dreamed I did my best card-trick for God and He said, "I know exactly how you did it."
How can protons have mass when they are not even Catholic?
Had God made the Earth the way Microsoft built Windows, a single bug could've ended the world.
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to
Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son
returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel.
By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What
have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend.
"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and
he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike.
"I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a
Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi." So,
they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi.
"I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a
Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.
As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the
"Funny you should ask," said the voice.
"I, too, sent my son to Israel . . . "
Thanks for the post Linda!
It made my day.
:lol: good one! Thanks 8)
Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other one replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"
You are unique, just like everyone else!
When two psychic friends met, one said:
"You are fine. How am I ?"
I do it sometimes with my friend...So funny
A priest and bus driver lived together and one day they also together died.
They go to St. Peter sending before heaven gate. He allows the bus driver to go to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait.
He waits for long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that bus driver go to the highest heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"
St. Peter said: "When you were speaking to the people at your church everybody was sleeping, but when that bus driver was driving everybody prayed!"
One zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating."
The second said, "My teacher has so much self control, he can go days without sleep."
The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."
little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, Can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure!
Just go straight down this street a Couple a blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't Even know the way to the Post Office."
Do you sometimes find that spiritual guidance and teachings can be a tad dry? Well we came across this wonderful humorous take on the Biblical "Adam and Eve" story by Adyashanti. We found it highly amusing...
Guru Sri Muktiswavivekanandabhakti, the only living Siddha Yogi Master ever to have been eaten by tigers, and survived, was quoted as saying this wise statement upon his return to his village in Bengal, "Until one has been inside the belly of a tiger, no amount of external or distant knowledge of a tiger will suffice; it is as if one has never truly known a thing about tigers, until one is consumed fully by a tiger; then theory and science all fade away; one is one with the interior knowing - the actual instant of being the tiger. And, it is a very acidic experience..."
Higgs boson (God) particle
In the wake of the recent reporting of an ‘important milestone’ in the search for the so called God particle, many jokes have been doing the rounds. Here’s a sample:
The Higgs boson particle strode confidently towards the door of the local Catholic Church only to be stopped by an official from gaining access.
Official: I’m sorry but for a new member of the congregation to be allowed entry you must give prior notice.
Higgs boson particle (taken aback): Does that rule apply religiously in every case, as my role is to provide the mass!
"Have I made myself clear?"
Said the chameleon as he stood in front of a sheet of glass.
What if this Spiritual awakening stuff is all a hoax and all we do is make our lives more peaceful and joyous?
Love it :lol:
Me so loving this zen joke site, very light hearted and cool; )
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