i feel so moved by your note. i have been dealing with fear too. the key is to forgive yourself. is it possible that the reason you feel week is because you have used your energy against yourself? judging yourself as not being where you should be? you are a PERFECT creation, god does not make mistakes. you may be caught up in an illusion, but it is one that came from your own mind, not gods. i find that when ever i feel like the process of becoming whole is to much to handle, i have left the Now, the present moment, and become sucked into some made up world of thoughts of the future or past. i have made daily meditation a priority, training my mind to stay present. you can be present AND still be judging, attaching and resisting what is though. that is where i am learning and growing. being the watcher of all that is and not getting caught up in any mental concepts that tame me away from the peace and joy of simply being. if you turn your spiritual journey into a war against yourself, it will be just that (i catch myself doing this often!). simply forgive, which is just another way of saying, get present, dont be caught up in what was or what could be, and dont resist the perfect moment that you find yourself in. i am sending my love to you, i know that my own version of what you are going through has been very real and very difficult. but all it takes is getting rooted in the Now, and keeping a good attitude about it.

Hi Yvonne,

I really feel for you. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure there are many people tucked away quietly going through what you are.

I'd like to buy the biggest megaphone and shout from the highest mountain... "WAKE UP HUMANITY".... even the people who think they're awake. Because most are still sleep walking. Sleep walking towards a cliff edge which is fast approaching. The days of the society in which we live are numbered and fast beginning to run out.

So in this atmosphere and environment, if anyone finds themselves banging into brick walls time and again, I'd say that's exactly what you need to be doing.

We've been so conditioned by the matrix. We expect all kinds of things to happen and be fulfilled. We expect the supermarkets to be full. We expect light and heat, to have a roof over our heads, to have food on the table, to be loved, to be entertained. We expect to live a long, healthy life. This is what we've been conditioned with since birth.

We're told pain is bad, being alone is bad, being still without anything to do is bad, being hungry is bad. We're completely conditioned by a system which degrades, downgrades and strips the divinity from us.

So when the divinity starts to awaken again, it's going to challenge all of these brick-walls the ego has placed between ourselves and the eternal. "Do you believe in eternal life?" the soul asks. Well let's test it then. "Do you trust in the universe to look after you?". Well let's test it then. "Do you believe you are more than flesh and bone?" Let's test it then. "Do you believe you can truly 'fly'?" Well lets test it then.

All of these limitations that have been conditioned into our brains and cellular memory must be confronted and broken down if we are to be free - to be who we really are:

which is to be present, eternal, beyond limitation, beyond pain, suffering, beyond love, hate, fear. Beyond comfort, security, beyond pride, ambition, goals or the need for any kind outcome. For at our core, there is simply nothing lacking. We know this, but how much do we really live it?

And here's the key thing, the choice and the time not to follow this path is fast running out. People may laugh at your internal challenge, but I can tell you that in the not-too-distant-future, they'll be the ones crying. They'll be crying when there's no food, when there's no electricity, when the company they work for collapses, when the pension and bank balance vanishes into thin air.

If you keep going, when this all happens, you'll be the one laughing not crying. You will have discovered why all of this was necessary.

You say...

"I know that I shouldn’t be struggling to do anything but it is difficult when I feel inside moved to do something but when I attempt it, it ends in going nowhere, again you could say there is no such thing as wrong, it is all meant to be but when you are living it it’s not easy to accept, yes I can say accept everything this is the key or I could say I am really pissed off by it all. I am tired of the rollercoaster ride, I want to get off, I feel I have let go but I am still attached to something because I don’t feel at peace within."

There's only one way this roller coaster called society is going - downwards! So if you keep hitting brick walls right now, if nothing manifests, or things appear to be going wrong, then you're doing exactly the right thing.

Keep hitting the wall. Then keep breaking down. Eventually the ego will surrender. There's nothing to achieve in this society. Nowhere to go. It's all borrowed time now. Time to give it up.

Heartfulls of love to you

Chris
xxx

Yvonne,

I so know that. Thank you for the courage to show and express it here. I tend to only show my face when its smilng and shiny
How cruel this path can seem! How many times did I want it only to end, not to fight, struggle, heal and process anything anymore. Just wanting home, peace.

But I experienced again and again how important this stage is. When I embarked on my spiritual quest 15 years ago, I had an idea of what and how I want to be: a shiny, happy, loving, radiating super-buddha hovering above everything. That did happen to a degree - but then the real journey started.

I lost everything, got my heart ripped out, experienced the densest darkness, got crushed again and again and again. (and then again)

Every single mayor breakthough I had happend trough exhaustion and giving up. Like I believe they used to tame wild horses: To let them run to total exhaustion, untill they just give in.

Why do I need to be so stubborn? I do not know, I was so angry at myself so many times. But thats how it happend for me: Just giving up. Wanting nothing anymore but peace. Not trying to get anywhere, no more power to pretend anything, just falling into now, into that place that doesn't ever change. Not wanting anymore, not struggling anymore, just being present.

It is such bad news for the personality: There is nothing much to gain on this path, it is all letting go.

David

thankyou so much for your responses I feel really moved by them, and it is comforting to know others understand what I am saying. YES it is to let go, stop the fight and when I read what you all have written I can see this. I do know it even at the most difficult of times, it can sound so easy to say give up the fight.I just keep going and when I get those deep knowings, and I have let go for some of the time, life is wonderful, beautiful, nothing would rock me, all is well, and I know it is, really i do but the mind is like a camellieon forever changing and wanted to keep its hold, I also know it is my friend, and I laugh at it, and Iknow I get so caught up in it at times.Life can be simple, and I do want a simple life, I am doing what I feel is right for me, I do get such pleasure from growing my veggies, having my hens, making my bread. I found it so exciting one day last summer when I looked at the food I was eating and realised I had made the bread, the eggs were from my own hens, the lettuce, cucumber and tomatoes I had grown myself. This so makes my heart sing. I didn't know such seemingly small things could bring such joy.I feel when I am at peace there is beauty in all things, and growing food is a reflection of this.
thankyou once more I appreciate you all taking the time to respond to me.
Peace to you all, Yvonne x

Hi, Yvonne

I too understand what you are saying

I was tired already when I was 14, sooo tired. I feel what you feel so many times... so fed up. I don't want this experience. I just want to disappear or go someplace without boundaries, restrictions, limitations and this crazy friction all around. It's like. Aaaah, come oooon!

It is years of Sisyphean labor. It's like opening a Pandora box or a magician's box. Things are just flying and flying out of it and there is no end to it, ha? And all our systems are undergoing changes all the time on all levels, as our consciousness is shifting and these days it is happening so fast.

So I found that much of this exhaustion is coming from me pushing myself too hard and being angry at myself I am still not THERE. Where there? Haha. This is the funny trick... I find out I actually want/expect/need something.

And then I just say: "ok, I am here now. This is what it is. Let's deal with it." And it gives me the strength and motivation to go on, just the acceptance of what I've got and how I feel and sort of 'agreement' with the universe. Like: ok, I accept what you give me, I agree with what you think is good for me. Because many times I feel tired because I wanted to get something, or thought that things are going to be certain way by now, but they are not, so it's like the ego or personality lose their motivation to go on and stop giving fuel for the process. So I acknowledge that and I am just there for myself, for all the aspects of me, I hug myself and rest in this self-embrace and self-acceptance.

Also I am still learning when to stop and have some rest, refuel myself with some joy and light. Even just taking a couple of minutes to breath and look up at the sky, clouds, trees around can do miracles and suddenly make it all worth it.

Also, with me, just like David is saying, these moments are very important. It might mean I am going through some shift, like I broke through some wall and now I found out there is nothing there, nothing I might expect. It's just me there again! But I am so sick of myself, right? And gosh, all my stuff is there too.

So it's non-acceptance and lack of love for myself again...

But these moments make me let go just a bit more, open more, trust more and make peace with myself some more.

I can feel where I am pushing myself, where I want myself to change and this is where I can accept more of myself, which is how the letting go is happening (at least for me), just go in there and be there with myself, with the experience, with any aspect, any feeling, any of that stuff that is burdening me. Just be there... and then the transformation is happening, and I don't even know what I've done and how.

And so I find that somehow, the real change is happening when I actually get to be able to 'do' nothing, absolutely nothing, just be with what is, with how I am, with what is happening and being aware.

It doesn't mean that I am sitting and wait for things to be done for me. It is feeling this difference between trying to change myself, or to change things and struggling to get rid of something or become something else AND being aware and having the patience to stay with what is, experience it, connect and wait until the way will be shown, until the shift will happen naturally, without me wanting something to happen.

About nonsense. What I do is tell people who tell me I do nonsense is that to me what they do looks like nonsense, in a very humorous way of course. But anyway, after I made my peace with myself being a complete and total nonsense, people stopped saying that. They just say I am crazy and emotionally unstable, which is true Funnily, I feel I am more stable than them on the inside, the looks can be so deceptive. I know I will still stand when the wind will blow.

Sending many hugs, and you are not alone in this!
<3

This is amazing how exactly yesterday, while I was on the bus, I was 'thinking' about it. I saw all the cars and shops and people around...

And I felt how I am attached to all this. How I like all these convenient things, the fun things, like the movies and cafes with tasty stuff and many other things.

I felt I am hypocrite. I feel this is too much, so ok, let's ruin what I feel is not serving, but let's keep it comfy and safe.

And then I felt how I can't be myself in this environment and how tired I am here and how home and strong I feel when I am in nature, with trees and grass, and just wanted to get rid of it all.

And this is when it came: fear. How can I survive if there no food will be supplied? No roof? No heat? no clothes? And then it hit me:

I don't trust. I don't.

And I've remembered about what Chris said about the humanity's karma: not trusting the earth will provide...

So, I don't trust and I am afraid. There are things I don't want, like to be hungry, exhausted, cold, sick, dirty, ugly, all these things.

And at the same time I feel I don't care. Like okay, so I die, so what?

But I still don't see a place in me that is able to manage these things from a place of presence. It's all coming from ego. I am shutting down, rather than opening. I am angry with the universe, with the earth, with this weak body, with this human experience, with all this. Just angry.

And for the contrast: I am here, working in the university, whenever I want, however I want, complaining how hard life is, and that I don't have enough money... and that I am not managing this earthy life at all! haha Funny

I really, really relate to what you have said 'someone' and I know this is all an illusion, and at the moment when I really see the truth of things, I see the tiger with the marshmallow teeth dissolve like transparent tissue paper, and fall away in front of my eyes then blows away in the wind - it is an illusion.
I am doing my best, that is all I can do.It helps go for a walk from my home and feel the peace of the trees, the beauty of the waterfall, the elegance of the swans on the water. It all helps me on my journey.
thanks Yvonne
x

I thank you again Chris, I know breaking down the conditioning is what I am doing and breaking free. After my awakening I knew there was no going back, but feeling the pain is something else. During this week which has thrown alot at me I relate totally to the rollercoaster ride, but surrendering is the key, facing the pain and feeling it and coming out the other side. I too felt tired and wanting it to stop, maybe even to be asleep again and remembering what that life was like. But on the other hand I have a gift of spirit and I am awake so I now am ready to continue and embrace the new me knowing that all the conditioning of society is just that, I dont have to fit into what other people think I should be. I am alone now, but I stand proud and Im strong on my own with lots of good friends including all of you.

Thanks Chris and Trinity you both are indeed a god send to us all out here. Ruthxx

i am so glad to have found this place! all of these posts are ringing so true! i feel like we really are a family, going through a change. i read something from the hopi elders about looking at the people who are in this with you and being grateful for them. I am

What a gift from Divine. Its feels like you guys are holding my hand in this Journey....

Chris and Trinity thanks for being there and providing the safe openhands to give some respite...

Love to all.

MB

Now only that I am someone, but I also have a conventional name. It's Yulia, nice to meet ya, Yvonne

<3

Hi Yulia,
Nice to meet you too!