"What is Enlightenment?" ............ Short doco

Submitted by Open on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 14:00

A short documentary covering the paradox of life itself What does it mean to be enlightened? How do we become enlightened and what is the experience like in day-to-day living?...

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Thank you so much for sharing this wonderfully insightful video. You mentioned your car crash and how you changed afterward, did you find it challenging to transition from the "old" life that you had into where you are now?

I myself am in a transition period, after reuniting with my soul. It feels like a lot of the time I am swimming up stream and encounter road blocks I guess you could say.
This causes me some confusion because I thought that when you start to work with the soul, the flow will come.

And one other question, when you go into the tight feelings to expand them is this usually during meditation?

Thank you so much for the wonderful work that you do, I greatly appreciate you sharing your experience for others to learn from.

With Love,

In reply to by Persephanie

Thanks everyone for the wonderful feedback. And I'd like to publicly say a huge heart-felt "Thanks!!!" to Trinity for the amazing production work on this. You brought to life brilliantly what can frequently be a very dry subject.

Hi Stephanie, you asked...

    "did you find it challenging to transition from the "old" life that you had into where you are now? "

Yes enormously! My whole life got 'deconstructed' - 13yr marriage, my business, possessions, most friends, some family. Everything I thought I 'stood for', everything that I was identified with. But at the same time, each release although painful, was simultaneously liberating.

And fascinatingly, even though everything got deconstructed in this way, a new life has formed with many similar 'threads' to the original life although now being expressed and experienced in an entirely new way.

In reply to by Open

What a helpful video.Thank-you to Openhands love and healing energy. This speaks very clearly to me, in many ways.
Concerning openhands view about accepting feelings, having them(through enlightenment)and not shelfing them, denying them.......of being the pure presence in it all, almost like there is no person there......this is what the universe is working me towards by nature I feel....and it takes time......so I will just chill with the flow...
I think we all have to some degree or another an addict to emotional resistances or existential resistances to a situation, or person, most of all our feelings or life in itself. Existential resistance is the opposite of the unity of allness/oneness-the existential embrace- of all life in its interconnectedness and enjoyment. The ability to let go and be who we truly are without hesitation in true authenticity in the space in the all embracing moment . Most of us, I also think grow up without truly learning how to honour our feelings, on the contrary our culture teaches perfectly how to surpress them at a very young age and of course not feeling an emotion and avoiding it causes it to grow stronger and stronger and can completely govern our lives and choices/ behaviours.
I grew up with a very strong surpression of humane feeling and am beginning to understand why I have always bypassed my feelings by going up and over and not through and /or been pretty obsessed with them, but still resisting them in the process, so I have been continually hitting a wall and reverberating back into a crazy cycle, not really understanding them or getting side tracked in the thoughts which follow them, instead of learning to let go a little , remain equanimous and be the observer. The watcher in it all.
Not to mention I think our emotional resistances and surpression are indeed great industry universally, feeding off and breading off the cultural surpression of learning not to be true to oneself! Very often I feel sick when I see through the pretense of feeling, only but to now see my own distortions in my expression of my truths.This was I can drop judgement theretically speaking. Yet to test…..

I have been pondering just lately that when we have a really strong resistance towards, life and especially people - where does it really come from ? The magnetic blocks that we feel that go up between him/her and I. The resistance to accept the realities happening and to really ‘’feel’’ and ‘’locate’’ within the body where they are and release them by processing them…and being the internal surfer in it all
That internal resistance, the fight. The polarity that can be all consuming and dominate our entire existance. Is to protect? If so a little bit of healthy resistance seems good, or does it come from prenatal realms, or pre-existent realms, past lives etc, when it is so incredibly strong, that we feel it all consuming the physical body as a way of living . Somehow, it feels politically correct to have a sense of resistance. It’s conditioning in this way.Or is it really fear, more so I believe and belief that we cannot conquer our fears. A mistrust in self in not being competant enough? And has it’s origins in trtue self love. Or simply because the pain sometimes, the reality is too much that we just don’t want to feel, or we feel so much that it just becomes a blurry wave and don’t know how to work through our feelings..
What I find is that I cut. I feel the cut, the disconnection, the split, and I go up and although protected often in angelic light, I disconnect from earth. For me this has been very much my whole life story thing that I am really having to face flat on now more than ever. I have just met the final brick wall and nothing can moive until I address thisone! .And I thought I was an expert in the field of ‘’feelings’’….. Only but to realise this has been my exact problem, and indeed my resistance again, that has had a load of light poured into through openhand! So Thank –you!!!!

Just lately, I have found myself to surrender more, to let go and just be and be more authentic in the moment and in this I find my resistances are being drawn attention to and I am finding healing in accepting more what I feel and my connectedness with people has improved and become natural so to speak……. But there is a vunerability in that process which has been the hardest to conquer. Simple things like asking how a person is today on the till, whilst going shopping at Sainsburys, instead of not saying a word or thinking they only asked me, because its quite clear they want to talk about themselves, so I won’t bother because their question seemed not very authentic. Or chit chatting to pass away time isn’t really much to invest in! Other instances like cutting a family tie because the place where they come from and attack somehow or another is no longer allowing me to be the person who I was, by denying their behaviour.

But of course just when we think we have cracked it, situations occur to test us, and to challenge us, just how far have wereally gotton rid of that crippling pattern, which does not serve anything or one and at large is completely self sabotaging. Resistance in itself is self sabotaging and I really believe it is passed down, until dissolved.

Having gone through a lot of my life in a state of fierce resistance and withdrawel, avoidance to simply not feel because I felt too much and didn;t often know how to handle my feelings, it actually felt like some kind of autistic state, which I feel I am finally coming out of, or at least I hope I am, because it certainly does not serve in any way in my life.Retreating to the angelic realms is not working for me now because I am more ‘’here’’. I have realised . that a lot of it and not having a voice to speak up, so to speak, does come from childhood and of watching my parents fiercely reject all life and each other and surpress my feelings too, or belittle them. I also feel the problem I have which is coming up more lately (which I am hoping openhand can suggest something with) is my solar plexus and sometimes in situations when I am feeling I am being attacked whether ouvertly or in a physchologally manipulative manner and feeling it right in the solar plexus as it becomes denser and denser. Often I don’t know how to get rid of it. Or am unsure as to what really is the truth in it all which makes it stay with me. So, it’s like I have an idea, a prior premonition, but I want proof, I want honesty, but know I won’t get it, so the feeling stays, the anger stays and most of all the mistrust becomes unbearable, and then I don’t want to believe what I instinctively feel . And worse over if I confront, knowlingly will know the person will say something along the lines stop imagining things…..

I feel I have had this kind of thing a lot in my life and am so sick of it. Because I can see right through it.
A lot of the solar plexus issues and feeling of mistrust involve my mother and without a doubt I do have a general mistrust in life, a basic mistrust for life.I know this comes from childhood and I know it comes from a past life. Not sure what….yet. I am also beginning to dream about some past lives and some of those involve fierce resistances to those people that I never understood why I was having it, and worse over how I resist the negative feelings by drowning the person in a loving feeling…. I wonder if there are many realms working at once and that light does break through to work with the problem, or past life or childhood experience, or if I totally am in denial because I hate feeling negative feelings fullstop. I just want to feel love for people, peace and harmony . I even feel now, that I am wanting to disconnect from a person whom I have had a very strong spiritual and seemingly emotional connection with, whilst simultaneoulsy a very strong sense of resistance and again, the solar plexus is the area that it attacks. I also keep having an entity which is trying vey hard to attach to me, which gives me pain in my shoulders.

What was synchronistically ironic was that whilst shopping in the Sainsburys, last week, I came across 3 people in a row all of whom I feel a resistance to,(because of their behaviours) one by one. The one person, I bumped into the previous week in exactly the same spot and row , as I saw her I felt lay lines, energy and I knew I was being spoken to because of the energy. Instead of smiling and showing my light so to speak, I managed to make it fleeting and disentangle the boundaries that I always ‘’feel obliged’’, or have to be nice, or attune more into the angelic realms. NO, I did not feel this , instead I felt what what really there as with the others. I actually felt what I felt. And after a friend of my mothers, whom I feel considerable resistance towards but have no reason to other than instinct. For some time after, I felt this enormous pain in my solar plexus and saw visually a hole through my body and then some pain in the middle of the ribs. A small example, but I noticed that the resitances with those people were actually because of the discomfort that I feel with them amongst my mothers presence and that minus my mother and I would not feel it. She also told me she had had dreams about the number three. What I have realised is how important it is for me, all of a sudden, quite urgently and that is to get my mother our of my energy field. And how damaging she potentially could beto my life, in ALL forms of relationships. What I know is how self destructive she is, and how much grief she often caused me and projects her miserable life experiences on to me.. It all came back , all the feelings I had as a child, of taking on her energy and unhappiness towards HER life, not mine!. Not just hers but also my fathers .Complete projection, and it was always stabbing my solar plexus. Its all coming back. Let’s just say no more stealing from my solar plexus!! Because I know it will get worse, until I disentangle, which means hurting. There is just a resistance, and the resistance comes from childhood and her potential of being damaging to my life now. That is also the resistance. .

Generally, if there is a situation for example a work situation where I feel attacked in my solar plexus, such as a person may be trying to make me look like something I am not and they know it, but still do it to make themselves look better, or perhaps because I have made them feel not so good, but never consciously or maliciously done. I often haven’t been able to handle those kind of situations again, I feel the attack, feel the density in the solar plexus, but go up and over… I am trying to ground in these situations and sometimes I can speak calmy and clearly and be equanamous, whilst at the same time feeling this continually flowing energy, untouched through it, as if the real me is actually okay and totally unmoved and totally not judging, just watching, as if there is not person there. Other times as I said, I fall back, feel the panick, the attack and don’t handle it in the way in which I feel I owe it to myself and the injustice of the untruth of what a person may have manifested !!! I might intensily stare at them disapprovingly, but that does not seem to help.Sand I am also trying not to show any emotion on my face these days!!! So, I resist. Resist my feelings of anger, because really I’d like to show it, show the untruth. Really it would do me good to give people a good piece of my mouth and shock them. I feel I need people to see who I really am and that the way I show myself isn’t sometimes in alighnment with my true self. Like I am ashamed of it.

Basically, just shining light without disclosing the truth is certainly not serving anything or one or taking myself seriously or taking life seriously!!

So this is where I am, of touching the earth and facing my feelings and trying to deal with the reality of what I am feeling and instead of taking off with the angels and desparately trying to dissolve the shadows of the things which people may say which aren’t nice, but sometimes the fallen ones……and trying to bring it all together. The inner resistamce is dissolving, but sometimes the handling of it all becomes difficult. Sometimes I crack it, other times I fall back into this old resistant pattern.

Why did I always think anyway that I had to be so good? And why is it I find it hard to hurt people,I mean to disclose the truth in not so nice ways, even when they hurt me? It’s denial. Resistance. Of not believing what goes on! In my world, ther would just be peace and harmony, love and light, but in the world which we experience of course it is not, nless we find that way, that skill of disclosing the distortion and bringing in that light, that truth beyond the illusion. Guess this is where the real work starts….

It’s like when I am resisting I immediately atttune to the light and deny my feelings, and show the oppsotite to the truth, but at the same time I divide/ cut and at a deeper I have strong sense of resistance, of anger or distaste….. and the shadow self or maybe my true self, or the false self, not quite sure what’s going on really, is showing its face more as if it is something, someone ‘’separate ‘’ to me, so I feel I have this energy stream flowing through me which is actually okay at one level. If that makes sense?? ON the other, I feel stirred, to be honest to what is there, to what is true. So why do I feel so bad about it ???About being honest with the feelings of my lower self. Or am I accepting the feelings naturally and ascending sometimes at to quicker pace into the higher realms of light and love, and forgetting my lower self, the physical self and what is really happening. OR is it because I can’t be bothered to put any wasted energy into something which isn’t positive???? How do we really know what is going on between personality, soul and then interaction, the travel between the two dimensions or other dimensions. It’s like light snatches me and holds me, protects me on one level, yet on another abandons my physicality . Or sometimes allows me to simply feel the physicality, the personaility etc and vanishes out of sight…….

It’s about coming to the true self isn’t it. Is this the dissolving of the false self, I always thought the opposite that that was indeed the false self… The instant denial and jump out of skin kind of thing.

So why is it that I struggle to be my true self. Sometimes, it’s coming through, its channelling as I know my soul is infiltrating more into my lower bodies. I know I am ‘’here’’ now and to allow people to so to speak punch me energetically in the saolar plexus by their ego centricity does not feel right and does not honour my internal goddess within.

Do you think the crux is self love or that I need to just gutsy out more. Instictively which parts of my shadow child need to be addressed…… and what to do when feeling this build up of a solar plexus density.
Because it’s these issues that are holding ,me back I know to fulfil my potential. Sometimes I feel still like parts of my shadow child/ teenage identies are stuffed in a bottle and are trying to break out and smash completely. I am kind of afraid of that happening, but it’s shattering and it seems there’s no turning back

LOve and Light Tess

inspiring video. I like the imagery of the enlightened moments joining together to form (or unfold) a continual state of enlightened being.

and very well crafted as well - impressive! thankyou

What a wonderful, inspiring and motivational video diary. Excellently shared Chris!

Really sensational production Trinity, I love the water and lilies theme!

With much gratitude and love, Fiona

I have tears in my eyes :')

13:19 (what numbers!) minutes of pure inspiration, I am all 'wavy' now...

Chris and Trin, you are heart-breakers :D

I go back cry now...


Many thanks for the video Chris and your words. I really got the picture of the stream and how the sediment has to be stirred up to get to the nuggets of gold. You've helped me to see that every time I become overwhelmed with sorrow and my emotions well up, I shouldn't resent it or resist it but that I should just let it happen. This is a big thing for me.


I watched this vid, by chance, immediately after a conversation with my sister where she'd shared the experiences of her overtly stressful weekend. Friday one of her daughter's was arrested during a routine traffic stop after a standard search pulled up warrants for outstanding traffic violations. Saturday, one of her son's best friends died in a vehicle accident where he was driving drunk down the wrong side of a highway and hit another car head on. Sunday she and her husband awoke to a houseful of 8 drunken kids, in mourning from the death of their friend - however the damage and mess they'd generated surpassed the calculation of pi. And, later that same day, a tornado barreled through her neighborhood leaving its mark in the form of down trees, electrical outages, and more.

So, here I am listening to the sadness in her voice as she expressed her belief that despite her best efforts it still felt as if these things were happening to her instead of around her. I told her I'd try to send some positive energy during my daily meditation and suggested she find a place to go and just "Be," away from it all. Then I hung up, opened my email and clicked on your video.

From 3:45-5:56 I felt you were talking to her, describing the soul's purpose as one inviting constricting situations for the purpose of helping us learn to work and walk through them. I've sent a link to this vid to my sister with the postscript that this gift from you IS the positive energy I promised her - with a dash of exhalation courtesy of the Openhand Oneness of us all. Thank you.

Hi Teresa :)
There are many points I recognize in myself and my 'story'...

You wrote about resistance, being attacked and being inauthentic. I explore these during recent weeks and share what I find in the meantime in my process:

Note: There's a summary about being attacked in the end, for shortcut ;)

* Getting attached to authenticity.
I found that my so to speak determination to be authentic is the one that mainly prevented it to happen (ironically), because I got tight each time I saw myself not being authentic. This is a loop.

So the way to break it is to accept the idea of being inauthentic too.

Then instead of getting tight and judging myself, I learn from it. Acceptance is the first step, then relaxation in it, then finding a non-attached/non-identified space and then seeing what is actually 'wrong' in the way I am now, seeing the distortion. In any other way I see distortions building up on distortions and the picture becomes very complex and noisy to work with.

It is also about patience: I can't expect that one shiny day I will turn to all authentic and do all the things right. It is a gradual process. So I am ready to catch myself 'of guard' all the time, and accept it, and let the time do its job too.

I also believe it has to do with ego. If I get it all so right and flowing, ego (or shadow) begin to own it, like "I am so spiritual and right", so I see in it a great help, that I am also 'falling' and feel that there is so much stuff in me, and there's no end to this - this is what also contributes big time to the helplessness, the vulnerability and surrenderedness to the soul: this feeling of being so distorted and unable to let go. It is a big gift for me these days, I feel, the inability, which if directed to the surrender to the soul is a fuel rather than disempowering and frustrating.

* Distortions riding on authenticity in resistance.
It is when I feel that something is arising from within, the truth, but gets deformed on its way out, for example ego is hijacking on it, or it gets mixed with whatever distortion accompanies it, like fear, anger, rejection, aggression.

Example: I can feel something is wrong in some specific communication, I feel let's say suppressed, no being listened to, taken energies from, etc.

So I might feel the Ray 1 getting dominant, the masculine, purposeful and 'protective' in terms of making sure that things work, and the following the inner truth and the path. But usually, because of 'years of practice hhh' we get used to distort it and turn it into anger, aggression, maybe even violence. Things get especially tough if the subtle inner voice isn't heard, the string gets stretched to its maximum the system is like having all the red alert lights on, there is an add up of frustration, fear, feeling disempowered (attacked by somebody on the outside for example), etc etc

Now, when I feel the 'alert' getting really intense, I don't say - I am attacked, I ask where did I miss it? What is that I deny, afraid to do/say? Usually I find it.

This getting attacked feeling is mainly pointing at MY 'disfunction', where I didn't follow the soul or didn't connect with myself. And the anger is really at myself in a way, on that part of me that prevented me from being authentic.

And I also try not to beat myself up because of it, I say to the bodymind (if it got really hurt or damaged because of my choices) - sorry pal,I've missed it ;) come on let's get it done. It works like a fuel for the body, we get strong and go trough whatever is there to process.

* Looking the mirror in the eyes.

This one can be spooky until getting used to it :D
When I judge somebody on the outside, immediately I see it within myself, including being judgmental about myself. The same about anger/rejection/resistance, etc. so I make the attacker (including OC) the mirror, I take them all inside - what do I see there? And it is amazing!!! I DO see myself there.

Example: I was angry at somebody recently for not paying attention for what I am saying, what I feel is right for me and dragging me where this person wants me to be/do (to bedo is funny, it should be the new right word for doing :D). I had some process there, but eventually I realised that it was ME really who didn't trust my feelings and let things happen other way (I thought I am attached to what I feel is right so...). So I was angry at MYSELF! for not listening to myself.

With OC(opposing consciousness) - I WANT to be attacked, I want to be inhibited/distracted, I just explored it really deeply lately. It is almost I INVITE the attack: look, I have a weak spot here, come shake me now. Or I am tired of running things here, come you run it, the old way... It is laziness then. I see these and myriads of other mechanisms in me with OC, until I really began to feel OC as part of me too. It has less of victim/perpetrator dynamics for me to perceive it this way, and we work together now greatly.

So - the arrow going outside? (you, he, she, they?) - I getred alert - what is that I don't want to see within myself that I am presented a mirror to see it?

With being authentic - what am I attached to? I have several identities that I really like, my ego does, they are fun, funny, sharp, smart, etc etc. It is not easy to let them go, so when I feel that I am being expected/'caused' to be inauthentic - the only thing I see is how hard for me to let this specific habit/identity/distortion go.

*Wanting the attack
And in a very funny way I find many times, that I actually enjoy being attacked in some weird way, it is like I am almost begging for it - please play with me this one, I am a victim now :D Attack me or get me out of my center.

I realised it when somebody told me about the entiety he had, and I got spooked, frightened, paralyzed, and then I had this excitement deep within - Wow! I want one too, it seems a challenge! Then I began to laugh. The fear was gone, so it was not challenging anymore. Like half minute processing I had there :D

So I somehow believe that I actually like these situations in a way, because they challenge me, but of course the real challenge is to let them go, and this one is even tougher than to just be 'attacked' with all the side effects.

And while maybe in the beginning I can feel really 'poor attacked Yulia', and these evil/distorted/matrixy people/or whatever outside!!! and I feel so weak, and incapable, and OUCH!

But eventually, after I get really tired of this game in poor Yulia, I get this feeling - Ok! Enough!
Time to step into the power! So it is about empowerment, trusting the soul, trusting my senses, being ready, determined to follow and feeling free and unspookable! :D

Getting out of the situation/communication/contact/connection

This one is important - to get out clear.
Clear - without any attachment to leaving, or necessity. For me I feel that it must be sure that I am ready to go on like this forever if needed, if I am being brought to this. When I am ready this way, I can start feel out really whether it is the right thing for me, whether it serves.

When there is some of escape/running away/hiding/protecting, it ain't over. It includes emotions - like anger, frustration, irritation, etc.

The feeling is: ok, it doesn't serve. I move on.

But also, even if I run away, I can be sure that I will recreate it, so also nothing to worry about if I chickened and escaped. I will be given an opportunity again.

And love. What I find at the moment is that any emotion/feeling/thought connect me to the object of these, as if builds cords. So it ain't over till the fat lady sings, i.e. till I process all these. It's hard, but no other way.

Nothing should be left behind, I feel.

So... really, the truth is that I feel that I should never get out of anywhere, but after really processing and going through all the stages, what usually happens are one of these:

1) The same people who were A before turn to B, as if the game is over for them too. It can take some time, a couple of days/weeks until they get used to it maybe, but then it is gone as if nothing ever happened. It can be explained by either that I don't create it outside, so it's over. Or that you need two for tango, and once one has left the stage, it becomes not fun to dance alone.

2) You flow on, and it feels like flowing. I don't really decide/do anything, it just happens. If I experience friction, like something is stopping me, then something is wrong, probably I myself don't want to move yet, not sure, etc OR repeat everything from the beginning - why am I attacked (by trying to delay/stop me from leaving now?)?
*Summary. What can attack be about?

So just to summarize a little... These points are the most recurrent for me:

** A reminder: as if saying to me - "hey, you're not centered", and sometimes it can be it, and nothing else. "Get into the body! Into your own field, settle and watch".

**A mirror: arrow back into yourself, dear. What do you see there? What is going on here for ME? not outside, like they hurt me, suppress me, etc, but why am I letting it happen? What in me that creates this situation/event? What is the lesson/gift for me here?

**Self-empowerment. Where do I feel weak, can't do, a victim? This is exactly the 'empty space to fill' with self-empowerment, trust, inspiration and freedom.

**Self-'discovery'. Where I feel I can't express myself, can't be myself, being pulled out of my real self. After looking in the mirror and seeing whatever obstructs the truth/the soul/the real expression, releasing first the fear/tightness/blame/denial and whatever doesn't allow me to start looking at myself, then seeing myself, the distortion/attachment, etc and releasing it, if all this happens fast enough (not in the first couple of times I find though), I will see the 'truth', what is the 'right' thing to be in such situation, and then things just happen, there is nothing I need to do/say really. Things just happen. And this is a discovery of an alternative way of being in some specific situation.

**Bye bye: after all these, the situation resolves itself. If I feel friction, like as if not really over, or feel as if I am being stopped/dragged/pulled back, then I go back on all the bullets of working on attack.

Ok! :D
Have a nice attack,

In reply to by someone

Hi Yulia,

A warm felt thank you for sharing some of your experiences and points of very helpful resolutions in this subject of ''emotional /existential resistance'', and your humerous approach which is a good example for me!Although, I see your personalily differs from mine,I also see a similarity in the handling of feelings etc.It's really good to connect and share these experiences and know we are not alone or freaky in those experiences which are uniquely our own.
And in so by talking about it, we release and process some of our own eddy currents,nuggets whatever so that we become more clear.In by helping others, we also purge ourselves, and come to more understanding/self awareness of self... It's a co- creation.
For me, it's like I sometimes (not all the time) honestly can not tell the difference between the authenticity and inauthenticity of my behaviour because light so to to speak is also infiltrating at a speedy rate, much quicker than I can ever process, which can often blind my vision.

How I saw it was like this; There are two kinds of light; the glow which illumines and the glare which obscures.Very often with me, I am not sure which one it is, or may it's abit of both. I once saw this light as a blurry vision before I went for a job interview and knew I would get the job, but there was something I had to learn and my vision was blurred,it blinded me, as did the light I saw that day...

So, it's a simultaneous light occurance, which I often feel hijacks me from my body andmy real feeling just as anger, fear can hijack us or blur the truth of what really is or what is the message of the invitation. Until we process the emotion, by not attaching or identifying with it, become free (as you say- walk away with nothing left- which I think is a brilliant response and necessary to finish things, not have any lurking demons prevailing!) we can see the light of the truth and act authentically from right action within that flow..... For me it's sometimes the opposite, in that I am so much cut, that I can't feel, or choose maybe to attune to the light in all circumstances, which often doesn't address the real issues of well "" What do I really feel '' ? And ''how do I feel about really feeling it '', and who is judging me.Who is the voice telling me that the shadow side of feeling a response like anger needs to be stuffed right down, put a cork on the top.....

BUt of course eventually hat explodes. And it use to explode with me, that's when we start feeling like a crazy nut or people judge us as one (at least from my experiences from the past of which I acn relate to some of yours). It's the ''divided self'' we are talking about...

I get confused with what is my true false self. Because my real self for me is actually admitting to what I feel like anger, fear and the disconnection or being protected in light is sometimes becoming my false self.It's like an abondonmnet from light, to make me feel what I feel.

In some sense I often feel like I am flowing and I am unattached and untouched because I am simply not feeling anything and can see the folly, the ridiculousness of all these ''feelings'', and would rather just not have them because they side track me.. Yet it is essentially apart of BEING HUMAN!!! That I resist, or deny. And I see like you it is indeed the attachmnet to the attack, the identities we build around and until we work through it, we can not set ourselves free and be truly authentic.

I think the higher self is always working parellel to the lower self and sometimes they are so far apart, that that can feel kind of divided so we behave autoimatically form our higher selves, only to later catch up with the lower self....If that makes sense..

I can also relate to your anger that you feel with yourself for noit being authentic in the sense of right action, but this does take time and is aprocess I too am working through. The anger being the cloud which hijacks true authenticity and can feel disempowering. It's about self awareness, being the watcher, the oibserver and can only happen I think when we actually are fully incarnated ''in the body'', then we can attune to this state of'' pure presence''. Of ''Knock, knock, is anybody in there'? Just energy flowing, not judging, just watching and within the flow right action will emerges......because we become that flow..... It's almost like we have to die to ourselves and the game is to become simply unattached, unidentified and nothing more than self realisation and right action coming from the Godhead.

WE just have to be patient as you suggested, and more comfortable with self.
SElf Love is the golden key ....... It's a test. To test our shadow child identities.

I think it's also about ones sense of will, i.e what do you really wnat to achieve oin this situation or that and taking a closer look at the will and taking ACTION in it all. For me it's very much about taking ACTION, and yes thanks Yulia, enjoying the attack, of course no one really enjoys an attack , but when we become that pure presence and unidentified in it all, unattached right action becomes the game. TRUTH becomes the game..... So, yes why not enjoy it, rather than victimise self..... This is what I know I have to learn....

TO know it's just a game... as the saying goes When triuth is the prize, illusions become the GAME.

It's about internal surfing ..... and it's a practical skill. I found a brilliant extract by the author Raphael Cushmir on Internal Surfing which I felt to share with you!

He says ''I call this skill surfing. With internal surfing, your attention is the surfer, and the emotion is the wave. Here's how it works. Suppose someone rejects you. Your initial inclination is to drown your sorrows. Instead, you locate the raw sensation of rejection in your body. Then, you remain attentive to that sensation as it moves and shifts. In the process you ride it out. Soon, much sooner than you'd imagine, this leaves you cleansed, refreshed, and truly over it.

Q: Aren't you making this sound a lot simpler than it is?

RC: No, it really is that simple. But not easy. Often, temporarily, the wave is excruciating. It takes a lot of practice not to bail. After quickly getting to "shore" a few times, however, your motivation grows exponentially.

Another difficulty is that surfing often brings up all kinds of distracting thoughts. In the above example, while surfing, you might simultaneously notice thoughts like, "No wonder I got rejected - I'm a total loser." Or, "I'm better off by myself." Or, "What should I have for dinner?"

Dealing with such thoughts requires noticing them dispassionately, like clouds in the sky, while doing your best to remain on the wave or catching the very next one if you "wipe out."

To be clear, surfing an emotion doesn't mean you must give credence to the thoughts associated with it. In other words, feeling like a loser for a few minutes doesn't mean you ever have to believe that you truly are one.

Q: Besides feeling better as quickly as possible, are there additional benefits to the process of emotional connection?

RC: Whenever we successfully surf an emotion, we also begin to clear ourselves of its backlog.

Staying with the example of rejection, the degree of its sting is connected to how much previously unfelt rejection we currently have on board. With enough surfing it's eventually possible, believe it or not, to experience serious rejection with relatively little upset.

Just an example, so let's just say my happy attacks are gonna be my happy internal surfing, for a while,and then I am gpoing to get on the board and ride the waves and who knows when truth is the prize, yes the illusions will become the game, and I can take it lighter.... Let go and just keep emerging into that flow until I learn to love this comfortable numbness in a positive way without denying it all, just being okay with it.

Happy internal surfing....

In reply to by Teresa

Yes, how do we really know the difference between the authenticity of the glow that ilumines as oppsose to the glare which obscures......

I also note the difficulty in sometimes not knowing when a spiritual experience is indeed coming from the ego, or authentic in its own right. The tendency to claim that experience as my own is something I am working at to release whilst remaining fully present.. ASking questions such as "Am I escaing, taking flight, calling on the angels, or simply being fiercely protected/ nurtured in this. Maybe I will call upon them, to try to feel wehat I feel whilst being in that light....

BUt I do feel it just has to happen, it just has to flow and that trying too hard , efforting will certainly side track us, especially when we have to act and be so decisive on the spot.. I mean How can we be processing all these feelings. Most people will think we are half way gone to space...... and then of course the pattern starts all over.....

It's about trust, basic trust , self trust, and honouring those feelings that were denied and expressing the truth of our internal Goddess- the light which wants to shine through, and disclose the truth in all ways....!