Thank you L and Chris, it seems you both are saying the same...

But what is interesting is that I got all those bites when I wanted to give myself some joy and peace.

Medusas at the sea, which always makes me so happy, and ants when resting, relaxing and feeling really happy and peaceful under the tree, until I got the bite (which was really soon after I landed).

I really don't do much, but only se things, and do my daily yoga/meditation, which used to be a really pleasant experience too, until it turned to processing.

I mean, sure, I have more love and care to give myself, but it just somehow all gets to facing distortions.

Here, for example, in the very end of the day, after the AAAHH I went to swing on the playground, one of the most joyous things I have nowadays, but the swing was not there, it was deconstructed from the place it usually was there. So I laughed... But you see? I feel as if everything is taken from me. anything I could grasp on or rely on,rely my joy on it.

This is the message I got anyway from recent events - to find the joy within without any dependence and actions on the outside, otherwise I really don't see what all these could be about.

I too feel I move fast, but this is not what I 'plan'. Where am I going 'wrong'? I mean I do take breaks, I go blank, not working with things when I can, to rest, and I do let time for just having fun (which somehow lately turns to 'nightmare' for ego, in places where I developed some habit or dependence).

I don't know. Maybe I just don't find where the brakes are in the vehicle. Where is it?

And with the mind, I do, do go into the heart, it IS hard many times, like I want to know, hear the answers, but I move to the heart and try to feel what is the right thing for me now. the thing is that it is many times really subtle, like if I am in some challenging and 'noisy' situation, I just can't hear it behind all that noise in me.

But I did notice something else: I wrote in the AAAAAAAH post that I was watching myself not being able to watch. hhhhhh The contradiction made me really laugh funny

Like many times I see myself and others being already present and aware, but because of all the drama around not noticing it and somehow getting it as if they lose it while they actually not.

So another conclusion: being aware and present doesn't mean feeling all balanced, quiet, in a good shape and all. It is like for the 10^6th time I see it and somehow forget it. ANYTHING can happen on the outside, and ANY feelings/emotions/thoughts can be there, and going totally nuts, scared, frustrated, etc, doesn't mean I lost it. So... yep

But really, since this is not the first time I read it, where am I not getting it? I just wake up and do what it feels like, and working to see where it's OC, and trying to be gentle, like I don't work now, and sleep a lot, really giving time for fun and all. And I let myself do whatever will make me feel better, like writing all this embarrassing stuff here (and it helped me yesterday), so I let myself. I mean...Where is the brakes? What do I miss here? :S

In the meantime I will also feel out what is going on...

Thanks a lot!!!

I posted on facebook today some tragicomic note, but here, I just say that I am VERY SAD! Very! and frustrated, in a constructive way though.

I feel like the biggest coward in the world! And I see how part of me is clinging on stuff, feeling terribly sad, even angry about seeing it all falling, about all these things being taken away from it. I can do nothing that is not aligned without feeling deeply and horribly at odds, it becomes more and more unbearable every day. I feel I am going crazy!

Something is accumulating, I feel this wave of LET ME GO!!! towards myself, as if I want to tear everything from myself, but can't. This is not like mind-led, but a feeling, feeling of huge intense pull somewhere, and feeling unable to follow, all the time, only that it is in every cell of my being, all of me is as if going to explode.

And also it seems as if the polarity increases.
I am so scared, but at the same time feel so strong, they are even, so I stay at place, and I don't do anything, just stay there. And I feel this commitment keeps growing and becoming really almost irresistible. But at the same time the clinginess is growing too. I feel I can't let go, can't, feel so sad and cry about all those things I don't believe in, and actually never did (this is what made my life so unbearable).

And I really feel something is coming, something big. So on one hand I am HAPPY!!! feel so excited and joyous like I never felt in my life. As if I am getting filled with some tremendous energy and joy, I almost can't take it. On the other hand the fear, I am totally horrified.

Maybe I am just excited about the retreat? :S

I don't know... I just feel as if I am being shaken, and washed in a washing machine brrrrrrrr brrrrrrrr and also somehow feeling happy about it.

This is crazy. I tried to find this word in 5 gateways book, but didn't. CRAZY! Absolutely nuts %-P

And also another tough thing: it feels that if I say things from inside, from the truth, people feel either really uncomfortable with me, or even as if 'I throw mud' at them (their words). It seems that I become somewhat sharp, brutal, but I don't feel like able to do anything else. Otherwise I am deeply unhappy.

With love,
Yulia

These days are running like crazy for me, and every day I have some surprise...

These I feel are important to share. I broke to titled 'bullets' so one can read what he might find relevant for him:

1. About working inside-outside. So after months of figuring and feeling outs I came to a place where I feel most comfortable with putting it all through myself.

Since the work is mainly the same, watching, releasing attachment (identification) and expanding through it, then it is not so important where things are coming from really, even though sometimes there are also situations where I am brought to activate Ray 1 more in order to process things properly, and usually these are those who I percieve as my 'outer field', when I feel as if others' stuff within myself.

It really feels like 'mirror land', I as if see mirrors that build and distort some reflection of me and I look through the mirror to see who I really am.

This who I am feels like actually not realy something that has a reflection, a mirror melts and I discover some free form behind it. It feels that discovering who I am is like discovering my free formlessness.

2. Working with opposing consciousness. Funny, but with this one too I feel that it is all inside me. Then I actually automatically don't get tight, because it is almost like ME 'attacking' myself, or some part of me applies some friction on me, puts some weight on me. And actually what I find is hiding beneath it is actually a training game, as if if I am aware and lift the weight, then I get stronger, and also more determined, more confident in my path and more commited. Another funny effect it does is understanding that I can't 'lose'. If I was able to spot and work with it, then I 'win', if I spot it and feel that I can't work with it, then it builds determination, and if I don't spot it, then I spot it later and build the ability tio recognise some new form of it.

And here too I find that it is mainly irrelevant it is outside or in me, I feel something is happening within ME and I work with IT. It becomes much more efficient for me somehow.

BTW The same about what OC does on the outside. I see it and process it, my 'response' inside.

3.Identification with the soul. This one was an amazing for me discovery during recent days. That what made it tough for me to infuse the soul into the body is that I got identified with the soul. I never even thought it is possible to do such a thing.

And what I mean is identification with the sensations this infusion causes. Once I identify, I contract at that point and the flow is disrupted.

The sensations can be expansion, joy, etc or some tightness and resistance in the bodymind (because there is stuck stuff there).

So I was working with infusing both the Seer and the soul inside, while the Seer is watching the soul infusing and all the sensations happening. It is VERY different then focusing only on the soul. But I am stil playing with it. It is also very tiring for the body still, despite that in such combination it really relaxes and is taking in more, like less resistance in it.

4. Grounding. And from this place, I deal with my most tough task - ground.

Recently it was very hard for me, because I could neither really float up because I couldn't let the 'earth' go, but also couldn't ground because I couldn't let the soul go. So I was stuck in between going crazy.

So I was mainly working on grounding, relaxing.

I tried to work with gravity, with barefoot walk, nature, Hara line, connecting to earth (trying).

All these seemed to do certain effect, but didn't really stabilize the overall 'system'.

But THIS workes!!! :

From the non-identified place I watch the soul infusing. In this way it is already going much deeper (lower) and easier into the body, and I feel no resistance at all. Once it stops wherever it stops, I ask the soul to connect to earth and actually, instead of imagining the earth separate and connecting to it, I suck it into the body through the base chakra. For example, I can pull the magma, and if it goes a little hard, then I add water there, it can be the earth energy. Or just ask and see what happens.

5. Connecting to different energies within me. Interesting, but while traveling in the 'mirror land', I saw there different energies which are part of me, but they are not identities, it is like energetical states within me. For example, one calm and grounded, and once I connect with it, it helps me to infuse the soul into the lower chakras. The other is totally playful, unquiet, on the move all the time.

Are these parts of the personality? What are these? I am quite sure they are 'mine', I mean are built in in my structure. Or am I just hitting different frequencies?

Anyway, these developments seem to 'finally' put me together after some period of total kookoo.

But here comes the big question:
It seems like I am not efforting and really relaxing, settling within myself, and then I am able to work most of the time, I mean to really quietly watch and process, and because I am relaxed, I hold the space much longer than before.

I also feel some energy in and around me. Something very stable, 'quiet', it is there, with me all the time, like an energetical cloud of calmness, almost 'attention' and no matter what I do or feel it is there... it also has some sense of 'attention' in it. Like this cloud is something alive, watching and subtly doing things, energetically. I am somehow sure that it is benevolent, because it feels like also no purpose, no effort, nothing, like it is only there. And somehow I feel that I am actually bringing it with me. It is also coming from me, but also is not really me :S (sorry for the confusing description, but this is how it feels).

And the question is: why do I feel like I work REALLY hard and am very tired NOW, when I am most relaxed and going subtle and gentle and quiet, unlike before? :S

Okay,
Love and shine to all

Yulia

I got to my place in Binyamina one hour ago after 18 days away.

I share here the note I wrote on facebook:

---------------------

I just got home after two most intense and full weeks of my life.

I don't think it will be exaggeration to say that they were also the happiest ones in a very different way. It is the happiness of digging and finding what's real under layers and shells and all the stuff that is there to make me hide myself from myself, fit the society, forms, expectations while dwelling in total lack of self-love and self-acceptance, build the illusionary bubble of safety and belonging based on fears and worries, give tools to communicate and connect through the impenetrable wall of misunderstanding and projection, enable me to play this crazy game. This is insane!!! No wonder I don't want this life since 14... Living in a lie, in fear, in loneliness, disconnected from everything, including myself, imprisoned, damaging all around at least out of ignorance... it can't get worse than this. For me, THIS is hell.

So, after one week in the woods, away from all the circus, with people with whom I can be myself if I want to, surrounded by beauty and love and loving, feeling the fear stepping back, opening the heart, cracking the armor, getting stronger and softer, taking the pain and the light with it, and seeing the miracles all around, how is it to land back? How is it to dive into the pool of noise and denseness after the purity of the forest? How is it to see people doing all these crazy things they do? hear them talk the way they talk? It seems impossible. How can it be? It looks like a joke, some not funny joke, and everybody is cooperating and also as if expect me to. I can understand, there are some of these games I am still playing, but I am getting this sickness, I am fed up with all this. Things can be so simple: just to be self, to connect to that forgotten 'I' that is there when the eyes are closed and there is nothing there but self-awareness and vast unlimited space and then follow the deep inner knowing, the deep feeling, the pull, or even that not, just become clear and watch how things are shaping themselves. That's it. No morality, no codes, no rules, nothing to do, to be, to prove, to strive for. How come it is so hard to do such a simple and natural thing?

How can I make myself less than what I was there? less than what I was later in Switz? I can't. I can't go back.

Everything seems surreal, like what on Earth am I doing here??!!! It didn't take long the answer to arrive. Already today I started 'working' and I can't believe all this and how ignorant I was and still am about myself and the world around. It is so much bigger than what I was taught and told, so much more interesting, fascinating, rich, full, free. I can do things that I never thought can be done. Here I am, working with fields, and all the 'woowoo' stuff, incredible!!! And I can do so much service! I feel it, already now, 'serving', disappearing and then serving, seeing the ego highjacking, restarting, disappearing and then serving again.

I feel dying, and I never thought I will be so happy about it (even if with some fear and resistance in the background, and even if it will take some time), this is a willingly dying, it is losing it all, everything and not getting back anything in return, NOTHING. And somehow I feel so much love, while not owning it, but just the space around me, in me, feel stuff floating, coming up, feel contractions, then release and then space again. So simple, so familiar, I remember it, from my childhood. It was there. Still, empty, settled, 'silent'.

So now what? Will it disappear? dissolve? Will I step back in fear? I don't know, but I don't think so. I feel held and guided, both from up and down, I can't go too 'wrong' then.

I feel grateful and blessed, and one millimeter from another shift, and I already feel excited, free, released, after running my 30 years in 'jail' and seeing the jigsaw beginning to form itself, and while totally not-knowing anything and being ready not to ever, I feel a totally celebration mood! I still cry a lot, and I am stirred to the core, processing and integrating, but something is happening, something is moving, a sense of 'new', 'life', freedom. And this is quite an experience to watch, to feel these feelings while at the same time feeling nothing.

FASTEN YOUR SEAT BEEEELT!!!!! AGAIN! I guess

But this time gently and with a fine attunement.

So... Time to 'land', ground, integrate and put myself together. And after that "only God knows" what awaits me... This is when it is interesting to 'watch the movie'... when you have no idea what will happen next...

So here I am supposed to write something like:

"Good night,
Yulia"

and the 'audience' is all tuned into this kind of ending, or any kind of ending, like "The End" ending, but I will write nothing and mark it with "..."

...

Good night!

{It was breaking the expectation of nothing to be written and duality perception, and also making some zen-joke )}

-----------------------

Okay,
there are so many things to share, but it is late now, and I will leave it for tomorrow...

hrrrrr hrrrrr hrrrrr

Copying from fb:

Today I was at the sea.

Usually I am very surrendered and joyous, but today my heart was bleeding, I was crying while my body was picking up the garbage floating on the surface of turquoise sparkling water and from white soft sand.

I was watching the white glittering foam at the edge of the waves rolling and landing onto my feet, playing with me, encouraging and comforting me.

And then I felt Ray 1 flood. I even got tight for a while, grinding my teeth, closing my fists. Enough!!!!! I felt this purposeful, empowering, warrior energy filling every cell, my chest went up, shoulders felt wider. I became totally male. And then there was a wave of self-effacing, just ready to do whatever is necessary, whatever and whenever. And I felt this "I am here", "we are here", it will soon be over.

And it was interesting to be so the opposite of Ray 2, of the femininity, and I felt her more as if I was a man, and then she enveloped me, comforted me, took me in her arms and let me rest there. Rest... rest... rest... I was sitting bent with my head down, softened and then my heart went broken again, by the influx of her beauty.

It was a bittersweet experience. Such bliss and sorrow, at the same time, felt while I was melting and my borders went all blurred, I was everywhere, occasionally contracting and closing down, and it was just as much as I could take when I became nothing, there was nobody there, but still there was I am and I was everything. I got the taste of it, such familiar, long-forgotten.

And I could feel the noise all around, even here, on the beach, where people come to rest and indulge, and my body was tightening. I was being 'tested', I went into the identification and out, trying to flee from the body and surrendering into her arms back, loosing touch and reconnecting...

And then I just felt exhausted. Rest... Rest...

Oats with nuts and fruits helped...

And now it is 13:21, the day is only beginning for me, and I can feel it will be as long and as full as if it was month...

And this is an amazing photo I don't know how to upload):
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2br879Olr0c/Tdzf40goFHI/AAAAAAAAAHo/mf_J465pWH...

Hullo!

Realization 1: I can't stop eating

And now I can start 'writing' about what I found and experienced, I might find later that I was mistaking, so hey, keep in mind this is only my experiences and realizations for now and please let me know if I misrealized something there.. In Russian we say:" I am not a magician yet, I am only learning" Ok...

I could describe more detailed processing and experience, but what I feel is the priority now is to share the realizations, especially about the 'mistakes' I've made on my path and the confusions, that made it all tougher for me,

So

Prologue
I will split it all into parts. Here I will tell in general and then go into details in the comments series…

Part 1 - Ray 1 and 2
It was the main thing during these two weeks. It was as if the two rays, the feminine and the masculine, were totally misaligned in me.

I was pushing where it was time to surrender and open, and was relaxing and lying when it was time to get up on my feet and claim what's right and true for me. Totally the other way around. Also now I can clearly see how my Ray 1 and 2 were mainly not tuned and expressed, and instead of purposefulness, empowerment and clarity for the masculine took the control, efforting and pushing root; and for the feminine self-love, gentleness, warmth, openness, heartedness and softness were distorted into spontaneous no-driver at-all floating while I was heading right into the rocks, breaking my neck every five minutes.

I learned a lot about each one of them and their dynamics together.

Fleeing out of the body
Most people are not really in their bodies, and flee out in moments of stress, tension, distractions (this is what the Matrix is good at, getting us out of our bodies). For star people this is a really sensitive thing, it is as if almost automatic to try to escape out of the body and away from Earth, away from the denseness, limitations of the physical, away from all this around that they just don't understand on the deep level and can't digest how can it happen at all?
So I now can see is how I had no idea that my panic attacks throughout my existence here, the pressure in the head, going all emotional were just the trials to get out of the body. I now can feel I have a block in my crown that prevents me from going out, I probably put it myself there and can open it any time, but not when I am trying to escape from the body.
Tricky…

Getting into the body and navigating the bodymind and the energies in and through it are ones of the most tough challenges I encountered by now (and I thought processing is hhhhm). Once it is done, no questions what and how to do arise anymore. I was long time suffering and did many mistakes (from which I of course learned a lot) just because I couldn't get what it is to settle within the heart and look at everything from there.
Working with the body! I found out that it is really unbelievable how much service it can do, much more than I thought before, how many blind spots to point at, and in general how much can be triggered and released through it, at least because it stores it all already all through the bodymind, condensing in the physical body. Another thing I was watching is how it affects backwards – from the physical body through the bodymind and into the spiritual state (I already investigated it in past, but now it was just amazingly intense).

For me it was die or balance yourself Two weeks of non-stop work... I feel like after some Matrix 'kung fu' program overload, it will take me 10 years to integrate it all
But! Once these can be worked with at least in some clumsy way, the processing becomes much faster and easier, with much less noise, resistance and unnecessary 'efforts', plus there appears a sensitivity when to pause and wait for the body to integrate and settle a bit, and then proceed again. A lot of worries, thoughts and doubts about "am I doing it all okay?" vanish, it is just felt what is to be done and all the should be's are processed on the way. And the better I balance myself, the faster and smoother everything goes (but then the challenges and the intensity increase too, but it is not a problem anymore), plus it feels much more joyous, in bliss and taken care of (I already forgot how it is).

Part 3 – Processing, going into and letting go
I got a bit of idea how it is best for me to process stuff and in what pace, and how to dig deeper – by settling and sinking, digging into the layers and levels, where things are hidden under the carpets and in the 'never look here' boxes, all the skeletons in the closets there  I used to think I 'processed', but I found that I only peeled some upper layer, only blew the dust from the surface of the pile because I was pushing and was shallow, didn't sink into it.
My perception of letting go totally changed, from pushing myself into the tightness/distortion/mechanism/addiction (what I thought was going into it) and resisting and contracting all the way while it was moving, while my inner child was crying and needed some loving attention from me, instead of just watching it and letting it happen while keeping centered in my awareness and add some softness and loving support during the process (has to do with Ray 1 and 2).

Part 4 – The group dynamics
During this course I felt more in details the group work dynamics and the group energy… what it is about and how it works. I also somehow, still don't know how it happened, found myself holding a group of 14 people in my field following the guidance and was watching all kinds of things happening there and felt their stuff in me, and really worked somehow with some of them it was really intense. And I really didn’t do anything, I just sat there, and was myself :S

Part 5 – Gifts from Zurich
After the Trans-course I visited an alien-friend in Zurich. It turned to another 5-days intense workshop focusing on again Ray 1 and 2 really deeply, centering, stillness, inner silence, holding the space, keeping to my field, feeling the difference between personality, soul evolutionary forms, consciousness and the field, grounding and getting into the body this is where I also tasted what being of service is, and found some talents and abilities, which I will also share here( and keeping strengthening the connection with Mother, and actually working with her all the time, it was also again seeing the fields interplay, the soul communication in the background, and also the 'woowoo' stuff (still can't believe it's real)...

Part 6 –Taking it all inside
I again found myself working a lot with sexual attraction, pure love distortions and 'mind confusions' about them and neediness. So I feel something, and then immediately the mind is getting into the box it used to associate these feelings with, and also there are mechanisms working there for years about all these sensations. Like there's a drive – w gotta do something about it, right?
So what do I do? Just as in the previous time I was invited to work on these, the key is taking it all inside, clear them up, see the truth behind the dust, then transcend them into either just a clear energy climbing up from the base to the higher chakras (from heart on), and turn all the rest into self-love and self-completeness.

Part 7 – Empowerment, trust, higher guidance and selfless service
These are now correlated for me. The strong pull to serve empowers, and not knowing how to and what to do makes me trust in higher guidance, which I can feel really strongly now, all I need is to tune in. And the interesting thing is that now the guidance is from both up (higher self) and down (Mother), and we work in some synergetic way.

Part 8 – Fields interplay
The interplay between the fields (sometimes very subtle, in the background) is still unexplored lands, full of surprises and challenges. This is amazing what can happen between the fields during 5 seconds of handshaking.

Part 9 - Star 'people', Earth people and Bodhisattvas
I recently came in touch with these three and could feel the difference between them. For example, what's the difference between 'stars', earth people and Bodhisattvas in evolution and processing (there's one more step for the star ones, getting back into the body), and in general what are the 'symptoms' of the star-guys.

Part 10 - Who am I and what is this all around?
The last and the spooky one… This was a great gift from Zurich. I felt that I was brought lately to explore this deeper while processing the fear and the panic. What am I then if everything I was relating to as myself, neither of them is I, not the body, not the soul, not the field… what then? And this is surprise... the cherry on the top of the cake (organic and vegan of course )

And I will finish with
Final part - The power of communication, mutual help and support, sharing and exchanges

So all these 'titles' are here, maybe raising questions, or triggering something, make some food for contemplations in the meantime, while the parts are coming…

And CU soon, in Part 1
Love,
Yulia

It seemes to me that for a balanced system all the 7 Rays need to work in the synergy, together, cleared, but 1 and 2 are the base...

The feminine Ray 2

Distorted unbalanced Ray 2 overflow

Feeling stormy, lost, confused, blinded, as if going in the darkness and feeling panic to hit the wrong pillar but keeping going for some mysterious reason while rationalizing and justifying it all by 'surrender' (while running away and fleeing out of the body as a result of deep unsurrenderedness going on on the deep level), the feeling of anything goes, irresponsibility, waiting for things to happen, work out or solve themselves on their own (especially inefficient with things like paying bills), loving everybody and letting them do whatever they want, loosing discernment because of total acceptance, feeling as if in the fog a bit, not focused on the senses, insensitive to the body-language, to the messages and syncs (because of some 'total relaxation of senses' syndrome), feeling surprised all the time by why did this and that happened and how, and as if seeing everything only retrospectively, flowing with whatever wants to happen (like words coming out of the mouth or being written without the Ray 1 and/or other rays entrainment) and then seeing all the results in embarrassment, etc

On the 'physical' it can feel like being unfocused, clumsy, things fall out of hands, forgetful, can't find my own tail, can't get myself into any form or rigidity, like let's say being somewhere on time, seems impossible, can't think and feel things out, real problem with decision making (again, it is about flowing in some certain direction, getting some form), etc
I also found that a good alert for unbalanced Ray 2 can be people begin to as if invade into the field, easily disturb it (since nothing is holding it), so I was becoming emotional in response to what I felt in my field and felt destabilized.

Ray 2 - So what is it about for me?

The best living example for what balanced Ray 2 is all around, and it is Mother Earth. The softness, accepting of all, love, life, care, embrace, ever-flowing and expanding, opening and bending out, offering it all, selflessly, without limitations, conditions, self-worry, without protection, without cover, bare, wide, available to everything and everybody, giving and giving, gently caring for all and keeping everything in harmony and mutual exchange, not holding to anything, not wanting anything, accepting life and death, joy and sorrow and pain with love, effortlessly adapting, settled, calm, never judging, never rejecting, always there, always with arms wide open for the most warming and loving hug, smiling kindly at all indiscriminately. All are her children, all are loved and all are welcomed. In translation to human femininity: just add self- to everything: self-love, self-acceptance, self-care, self-smiling, any 'self' welcoming and accepting.
I was learning from Her when walking in the woods there, felt how She is with me, and I could then do the same for myself. When I see myself being inauthentic, when I feel the tightness, when I see myself distorted, or lost in addictions and attachments, when I get lost and see I made a mistake… do I love myself? Am I kind towards myself? Do I get harsh as some tyrannical father unpleased with his child? Or do I soften and let myself learn and maybe make mistakes in a loving and supporting environment. This environment is built within myself, this is the loving, sensitive, gentle Mother in me. When I push myself to the limit, when I am tired and lost, when I cry for 4 hours, who will embrace me and shine the love on me? Ray 2. When I am in the tough situation and it seems I can't take it and going to explode, what will make me soften? I feel that this feminine aspect helps me to connect to my heart and go into the feelings.

What happens if Ray 2 is 'off':

All that I will describe here is both in the inner dynamics and with a person who has the Ray 2 disabled or 'low-volumed'. Well the last time I ran into somebody with Ray 2 switched off, it felt like Ray 1 is ruling the party and fueling the other Rays that get distorted since the 1 is missing. What happens is that Ray 1 begins to dominate, and if it is distorted than see below, and if it is clear, then it can feel like total and absolute clarity, only the presence, it is as if some sort of 'still love', steady, and as if without empathy. It feels like clear. You can feel the field, you can feel you're in it, but you contract because you don't feel the feminine softness, warmth and acceptance. It also can happen that the inner child will begin to feel somewhat unhappy and sad. A feeling of a missing 'hug' is there. Also there is some level of disconnection from the bodymind – the body, feelings, the world and people outside, a sense of cutting off. There is awareness of all these, but the experience feels as if numbed, dimmed. So it feels like some sort of inner disconnection, not really being in the body, in the feeling (within ) or feels as if the person is not really fully there with you, but as if watching from somewhere like in a theater or something, not fully involved. If it goes to extreme, then there's total numbness (while feeling hyper-aware and clear), or feeling some coldness and as if alone while being with a person. This is what I saw.

The masculine Ray 1

Distorted Ray 1 overflow unbalanced by Ray 2:

Feeling pushy, impatient, restless, control-freak (these are the control side-effects: wanting to run somewhere don't know where, do something don't know what, unable to just sit and wait until things get clear, needing to know what to do next), irritation, frustration and anger, tightness about "I must this and that", becoming rigid, like clinging on "what's good for smth", like health, spirituality, etc (it is the distorted turning formless into some form), coercion, feeling like wanting others to agree with what I say/do (comes from the lack of Ray 2's self-acceptance), feeling defensive (it is another form of fight, introverted) or feeling like wanting some 'extreme' is missing, then pushing the self too much, to the extreme can happen, feeling like going out and showing them all, fighting them all (extraverted) or fighting the self, for example, seeing enemies in distortions, identities, ego (introverted), really needing to decide, can't stand the unknown, unpredictable, hard to adapt and change form, things seem not to flow so well, like getting stuck on something, on processing for example. On the physical: feeling rigid, sharp male-like precise or/and fast movements, determined to do things in a certain way, like washing dishes 'systematically'

Ray 1 - what is it for me?

For me the masculine aspect is about crystal clarity, presence, purpose, relaxed focus, attention, alertness, stillness, keeping everything together, centering, holding the formless, giving it some shape according to what is flowing now, direction of the flow and its intensity, holding the clear space, and keeping the field steady, it is like banks to the river, the navigation system to the energy flowing through the system, 'on' and 'off', gas and breaks regulator, it is the one that after getting the "this is to do now" spark does it, it brings the 'action' (the form), the one that pays attention to what is going on and redirects in accordance with that, the part in me that 'knows' what's to be done in the moment and makes sure it is done, exposes the feminine vulnerable openness to the right 'energy' in the right time and the right place and keeps her 'safe' and rightly located and open.

All these are non-efforting, totally relaxed, clear, without ideas, agendas, concepts, it is purely instantaneous, in the moment, soft and loving in its masculine way.

So what does it do? This is the one that 'says enough' when it sees that the system is overloaded, the one that says softly "put yourself together" when I start fleeing out of the body in panic and refocusing me, the one that clicks into the eye of the storm, I also feel that first Ray 1 is activated and then Ray 2 in the moments of identification, it is like first centering, stepping back, and then releasing, so it pulls out of the Eddy currents, and in general it gives this 'fuel', a sense of purposefulness, determination, commitment, perseverance, courage, all these that really put me together.

What happens if Ray 1 is 'off':

If the Ray 2 is distorted, then roll up a bit. If Ray 2 is clear, then it feels like spreading, loving everybody and everything, giving everything away without feeling out whether it really serves individually and collectively, certain loss of discernment, feeling as if blurring, soft fog in the head, not clear, sharp and open, feeling like a sitting duck in a way, as if too exposed and fragile, there is problem often to stay centered and in the field, easily destabilized. Then there's a feeling as if leaving the center all the time. If another person is Ray 2'y, then it feels as if the field invasion here and there, as if a wave is spreading into my field 'uncontrolled' . There can be some problem with everyday life, like arrangements, logistics, making a living, it can feel as if this is something unnecessary to do, because it is standing on the way to be in this free-flowing state all the time and demands some 'convergence' into form and into certain points in time and space. I also find it important with dealing with solar plexus stuff, like OC, entities, etc. Because, at least how I feel, one of the side effects of the attacks is losing the direction. In general there's a feeling as if 'the river overflows its bank'.
There is also some tendency sometimes to compensate for the disfunctioning Ray 1 by some other Ray under distortion, by going into the mind for example (Ray 3). I also tried to get out of the body all the time.

Ray 1 and 2 working together

I somehow used to' think' that Ray 1 is sharp clear presence going into Ray 2. It felt as if this 'purposefulness' is sharp. Now it feels totally different to me, it is a soft supporting, holding the space to allow the feminine to flow through. So ray 1 is keeping the Ray 2 steady, holding it. Then the feminine part can really 'open' and surrender within this 'form' the masculine is holding. If nothing holds, the feminine surrenders but falls and spreads. It is like the river and the river banks.

Also to me the masculine keeps the feminine 'safe' and rightly located and open, it 'makes sure' that the feminine is exposed in its vulnerable openness to the right 'energy' in the right time and the right place (here probably Ray 4 is also engaged).

I have a feeling that the balanced in each moment combination of 1 and 2 build the available tuned space for other rays to flow, otherwise, if these two are unbalanced, the others get distorted or used as a compensation.

There is still a lot for me to learn about all the 7 rays combination, but I will do the 2 to start with (it is really not easy for me).

Balancing the masculine and the feminine

For me this is possible to work with it only if I am present and in the heart, so I can really feel what is going on and be sensitive to subtle 'mis-alignments'.
For me connecting to the higher self, which I feel like some string going from up through the crown into the base, expanding me and building a sense of trust and direction. Now, to balance I also connect to Earth, to Her, and she is enveloping me from down up with warmth, love and care, so I feel relaxing into the body, sinking into it softly, and into Her hands.

This for me solves the balance, I really don't need to do anything, just connect to them. Then the one feels as if flowing from up downwards, and the other form down upwards. They intermix and it feels and if together they create a much stronger and wider field, with which I go around and make people feel both really attracted to it and uncomfortable because they feel as if they are being watched, exposed, disturbed and pulled out of their comfort zone (I recognize this discomfort they have because I have it myself with those with 'watching' fields). It is highly important to center in my field, I found, for many reasons, to find the comfortable point between the two, settle there and then it feels like silence there, from which then come things to say and/or do when they come. I will write about it in Part 5 in more detail.

And from this settled place begins the work and the processing… (part 2 and 3).

Activating the Rays can be done through music (soft, warm, heart-opening vs more ethereal, clear, spacy, warrior evoking), pictures, movies, environment)

Music

What works for me is
for Ray 1:

Ambient music, like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S273yH8dlmU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w03vMUcWi0E

something purposeful and warrior awakening
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eE92325aQmk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1c4hQ5EoD4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pn3QWkRyjSg&playnext=1&list=PLF1EB258DD5C...

For Ray 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rblt3u_Bocw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNdD2nqsVTI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEqpdSKdpxs

for both – I find these balancing them both somehow:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TAm-YHxdMA (feel how the sound is moving between the left and the right part of the brain)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aat13IBthyM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JKUoVuTHjg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlkSepPTLUc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErEdRbWNTuE

Summary:
When the two rays don't work properly together, it feels as if something is wrong and the boat is rocking (slightly or really intensely). It becomes hard to center and settle within the field. It can be as if the whole body is on alert flashing with red lights, or be really subtle. There can be some slight pressure in the heart, or overall sense of worry, something is missing feeling, feeling uncomfortable. Also it helps me to watch myself in the interaction with others, because they react if I am out of alignment and push the 'right buttons'. The mind can begin to run, and the field with get weaker,contract, get dimmed or even totally get sucked in.
This is when going into the feelings and spotting what is going on there really helps. Do I push too much? Or let things happen on their own too much? Where am I now in my field? Recentering, going into the heart , recovering the presence (the Observer/Seer) and both guidances.

The attunement is such that I feel most settled. Also this is not a static state, but changes every moment, so the attunement is constant. It is continuous recentering and rebalancing. Like in slacklining, walking the rope and each step demands a new balance.

Ok,
That's it for now. If there are any suggestions/corrections/tips, I will be very grateful, I am still exploring it all.

Tiiiired
Hrrrr hrrrrr hrrrrr hrrrr
Good night

Fleeing out of the body, centering and being in the body

What I mean by fleeing out of the body is getting as out of the body as possible. For the vast majority there is only tiny fragment of the soul occupying the body, and then looping begins. For example: I get out of the body (and of my center), I loose the ability to really work in and with the body (like really hearing, seeing, intuiting, etc), I get into the excitation mode, like feeling of unquiet, worry, anxiety, irritability, thoughts flood and pressure in the head, hurrying, 'having something to do all the time', etc. But then these cause to get out of the body, simply at least because of the shallow breathing or constant hyperventilation (caused by worrying, panicking…), and mainly because all these distract from the feelings (feeling the energy? I got out now a bit of my center to give an example of how it reads), so…

And then the question is what/who is running my body now? Who is talking, moving, writing, etc?
(Feel the difference between the energy of what I have already written and how I write it now… You can really feel when I am centered and settled and when I am not. I have it on/off, and it is great for demonstration of the difference).

So who is running the body then if not the soul or in other words, if not the universe? So it would be either identities and distorted personality that run the party, or other people (we all have some experience with these) or other unhuman form, like OC, entities, and all of them sitting on one's own distortions and can be of a great help pointing at these distortions or of great damage, in the sense of inhibiting the evolution and rippling out all kinds of interesting perturbations (with which of course anybody can work and self-realize from).

It was one of the great gifts of this course to see really how I can really learn from ANY situation, be it as dark, painful and spooky as it can be. So there is really NOTHING to be worried about, whatever step you make, you can't go too wrong, and if the step was 'wrong', then you 1. Learn from this more about yourself, 2. Hey, you're in the NOW again, so you got to the 'right' place anyway
So…

How does it feel to be out of the body?

Feels like worrying, lost, tight, there is some feeling of something is wrong in the heart, butterflies in the body, unable to process before doing (because there is no being turning to doing), feeling in a hurry, unsettled, trying to think things out, the mind is running, not really here, not really experiencing, there are sounds, but I'm not really hearing them, the body works on the auto-pilot, I am not aware of what is going on with it, of the energies in it, and in general insensitivity, feeling not concentrated, some level of hyperactivity, doing it all through the mind, trying to understand, simply because I can't feel out, with me it is usually also immediately solar plexus, I feel the hook going into it and digging, really not so fun, sometimes it becomes really hard to breathe, especially when I used to have a natural but making it all worse resistance, and tightening around it, so once I feel it, I get a red button shining on me – hello, you're not in the body. Thank you very much, oowoop…

How does it feel for me to be in the body?

The feeling depends on to what level I am in the body. I still don't even dream of being able to land fully in it, I am filling various parts, playing with it and occasionally hit some general landing for a short period of time. In general there is a feeling of fullness in parts of the body I got into, like arms feel full, expanded, relaxed, also as if become heavier, but at the same time the movements become much easier, lighter, because it feels it is not me who is moving them, they just move on their own, like ran by some flow, by the Higher-pilot. It is an amazing feeling, but just some fun game. The real challenge for me was and is to center in the body, settle in it, especially in the heart and the solar plexus, stay there and quickly recover it when I am being kicked out of it. When I am centered, I feel settled, stable, calm also in the middle of noise and tightness, when I process things like anger, fear, etc. With me centering makes me immediately feel my own field around me, I begin to experience myself as a field, as a consciousness. I hear everything, see everything, but with the consciousness, not catching with the mind.

There is a sense of deep inner silence, of immovability which gives rise to extreme flexibility and ability to adapt to any situation, because there is 'kernel' holding the field.

A lot of tightness (that caused by uncenteredness) is released, especially in the shoulders, in the head, upper belly, base and hips (I talk now about my experience, it might be different for somebody else).

It feels like no questions anymore – what to do? How to do? What will happen? How? There's a feeling of okayness with being in the physical world and experiencing whatever the experience is in the moment combined with still alertness to flow with whatever will arise next, and readiness to adapt to it (as I write it I again feel masculine/feminine…. Readiness (Ray 1) to adapt (Ray 2)).
It feels like there is nothing to do, only be and feel. Things begin to happen on their own.

How do I center and live like this
So the 1st step - is to realize I am not centered and let it be

When catching myself fleeing, there might come some self-judgment or irritation, and even frustration, like why am I not centered now for God's sake?! But! It is normal to be not centered and not in the body! Until it is not This is how I lived in this body for 28 years (I centered for the first time something like a year and a half ago, spent a couple of months like that and then got lost when began to process inner child and teenager), so I can't expect my system to one day just click and stay like that all the time.

Also till now my evolution is all about where I am being kicked out of the center (when hitting a distortion, addiction, attachment, physical unpleasant sensations like sharp pain ).

So if I catch retroactively, then I release the tightness around "I am not centered!" I just recenter and work (will be described below and in Part 3).

And if I am seeing myself fleeing NOW, then there is some attachment/distortion/identification there that kicks me out. What next?...

Step 2 – recentering there are several options:
I used to do these and use some now

*for me closing eyes already works really well, and then

* just breaaaathing, concentrating on breathing (if in public and too much noise then I suddenly might need to pee or get some fresh air, and then I breathe there)

*relaxing, softening (thanks Chris for the word, it does magic with me now), one of the tricks I use is feeling myself 'sinking in a warm bath', sinking and sinking, feeling the body heavy and relaxed

*bringing awareness to and into the body, to the sensations, feelings, for example to the palms of the hands or the head

*some body movements help, like head, arms circles, some stretching, shaking legs, bending over, etc

*if at home, lying on the back or sitting in my comfortable chair and then breathing and relaxing

*looking at some 'nature', like the sky, the trees, etc and letting it inside, it recovers the field and then the center (the other way around from the usual for me center-field)

But the most efficient only recently discovered – going into the heart.

I 'fought' for months over my solar plexus, bringing awareness there and trying to 'fix' it all there, when going into the heart and just feeling is much more simple and somehow centers it all automatically. I use this and the next one most, especially if the case is tough or I am in some situation where I can't breathe, relax or anything like that.

*And music. I have dozen of tracks that click me back.

Step 3 – getting into the body

*After getting into the heart, I am connecting to the higher guidance via the crown to and Earth simultaneously. My connection to Earth is also through the heart, I am like 'contacting her', have some heart movement towards her, and then she envelopes me and is flowing through the base up.
Once this happens, I am centered and in my body again, feeling it all, 'fielded', settled and balanced. Then or in parallel I can start processing whatever there was to process, what caused the fleeing.

And then it's just a kind of 'habit'. The more I am in the heart, feeling rather than thinking and connecting to the centerline (step 3) the faster the system gets used to it. Then it's just becomes really fast – out, back in, out back in until it is more or less continuous. I got to this point when I was in Zurich, I was just continuously in my field. (Processing was much more flowing and 'friendly' to the body.)

Within the Matrix, noise and while processing centering is most 'vital', but also more hard to reestablish because of the constant perturbation, it really helps to have some quiet free doing nothing time every day when the centered state can hold longer and then it is easier to repeat it later in more noisy and 'kicky' environment. Being in nature is really great.

Another great way to get into the body is to bring awareness to it, for example start form the palms of the hands, from the feet or the head and then move through the body until filling it all.

Working with the body

Navigating the energies - I couldn't even imagine how great indicator the body can be. I thought it is normal it gets all folded, winding, shaking and all that. Well, processing can be really smooth when navigating it all and not pushing things too much.

Let's say I was feeling some lump, so I was bringing awareness to it, it was moving, and I was also only Ray 1'y, so poor body was beginning to go really not so well with it, but I was pushing. So it was actually telling me something is wrong, missing, Ray2 in this case, which would bring softness, gentleness and love, soften the body, melt the pushiness and things then go really smoothly (even if with crying or screaming, but no extreme convulsions and cramps).

Another thing is to know how and when to stop. I couldn't let myself stay with the distortion I spotted, I HAD TO LET GO (funny, ha? ), yep, now I see it, but back then it felt like purposeful energy But sometimes being ok with staying with the attachment/lump/tightness even forever is letting go at that moment. I did this strategic mistake and was determined to clear it all at once, immediately and forever! (laugh, laugh, it was really subtle and I was blinded a bit by my heroism).

So if the body is alarming, and one of the alarms is trying to flee from it, then I've gone too far, brakes, I just go softer, slower, pause, stay still, connect and allow some love in. Watch it flowing more gently and smoothly and the body can be ok with it. The sweat lodge round 4 was the one that really made me work on this, otherwise I wouldn't 'survive it', not physically, but energetically.

Another thing – I am now letting go something, and it is bringing with it some huge stuff, and I can feel I now am going to burst in loud crying with tears and howls, but hey… I'm on the bus! So what, I will keep pushing the button and go crazy, but "I'm strong, ha? Strong!"? Or I will lower the volume, soften and relax?

There is also a flexibility to switch where awareness now moves. It was in the head and I was letting go, but now it is already in the lower back, so trying to control and keep to the head would be efforting and then this is control I start to process and let go, which sits on fear or spiritual identity that wants to be really spiritual and free from that tightness in the head, but this is judgment, so it is judgment to watch now… And all these are flowing, while the mind is resting, and I follow the awareness, without identifying myself with any of these, I just feel… this is already more about processing… But it also has to do with navigation within the body, letting it all flow spontaneously.

Using the body for evolution

It is amazing how much can be done through the body, like through meditation in movement, bodywork (we had a lot during the course, it was unbelievable how it moved some stored frozen energy I have in my thighs, crazy), dancing, or just moving spontaneously.

For example for me yoga is totally processing activity, I hit all the 'lumps', tightnesses, attachments there, while dancing brings joy and love influx, openhand meditation is expanding, clearing and also for me has some processing-activating effect, bodywork in pairs (when one person moves and the other only supports him in the spontaneous movement) for me is really releasing, freeing and connecting to the soul, etc…

Walking barefoot in nature was an amazing way to learn to soften, surrender and go into the consciousness, into non-identified presence or Observer (then the pain or discomfort get somewhat dissolved or ), and lying in stream cold water, feeling all my 'tight spots' did the same. What a feeling afterward!

And really connecting to the body, feeling it, feeling the wind on it, feeling it getting cold or hot or sweating, tired or energized, without judgment or conditioning, feeling it dancing, watching it moving. I really enjoyed just working with it, and seeing it getting stronger in the forest, it just knew how and what to do, it didn't get sick despite I was going wet around with swimsuit in the cold wind (it is soooo unhealthy and dangerous, ah?), got all soaked after being caught by rain in the forest, and it was just really empowering and great experience to really get this primal earthly feeling of the body, I could see the most subtle movements in the grass, I saw at night in the dark really well, I didn't get lost even once…in the forest! instincts got sharper. What a pleasure, the soul then really infused much smoother and faster.

The moment I got into the city I felt it all tightening, getting small, confused, weak. Unbelievable. And later at the train station I got lost and panicked I won't make it to the airport, I really felt like I am going to blow the upper part of my head and just fly away leaving it behind, I couldn't breathe. Where did my sense of direction go? Feeling of I know how (on the body level I mean)…

And this cleanliness and smelling all Jean Paul Gaultier thing in the Matrix, what is wrong with people? Is it really better than this feeling of being dirty, having mud on my feet, grass all over and in my disheveled hair, getting sweaty and smelly - rrrrrrraaah!!! Not for me.
Yep.

So the body can assist with anything: processing, soul infusion, grounding and flying up, processing, authenticity, anything… And it is always there

So maybe putting some music, going into the heart and letting the sounds and the soul move the body, freeing and filling with joy can make not only my day but also someone else's day

Here's a song (thanks my friend in Zurich) that connects me to the body, to the base, to the instincts and to Earth, today as I was dancing I could feel the flow all over my body, the expansion, the purity of being wild, the strength of the body, it's sacredness as being a part of Earth and I felt it, the energy of Earth streaming through me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1c4hQ5EoD4

Good night…

I will write more about it, in more details, in Part 8 (fields interplay), but now I just make a small note about the two types:

Level 1: Just being uncentered in the field, like going into the mind, becoming noisy and unsettled but still within one own's field - then a person feels noisy and also creates some noise around him.

Level 2: Being uncentered, 'leaning towards' or even invading someone else's field.

Leaning towards is like shifting a cloud of awareness into one some part of the filed, forwards for example (if there's some level of neediness or wanting but still either still weak or restrained), I will show it in Part 8 on the example of chemical bonds It feels then that my thoughts/feelings are focused on the other, like really a shift of awareness and focus from myself to somebody else (you/he/they) and also 'WE' can do this effect because there is as if adding others to one's personal experience. This type of invasion is relatively soft.

More extreme is really getting out and 'invading', as if leaning, going into the other person's field. It can happen if there are strong emotions/feelings or expectations from a person or group of people, neediness, expectations, wanting something from somebody, like attention for example. Working with it is catching myself, becoming aware and recentering.

It is experienced by the other as the first type of uncenteredness, and also sensations like as if there are cords building and trying to pull me into some direction (when there is some wanting or expectation for example), or feeling as if somebody is digging into and in my field, it can be a hook in the solar plexus (if there's a trial to manipulate me), I will give more examples in Part 8 and how to work with it.

It's all for now

<3 <3 <3

Afraid of something? Discomfort, not-knowing, death, pain, illness, being alone? Worry you won't survive, won't make it? Holding on to something? Clinging on something? On life, on physical or emotional sensations, on moral codes and ideals, on safety and belonging illusion, spirituality? Attached to something? Needing something from the outside? Comfort, love, acceptance, understanding? These are the illusionary walls of your prison-cell. Let it all go, all these do not define who you are, fall into the impregnable I amness, into the being, into the formless presence, set yourself free...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KS0Rc45tj60

(I can see so many messages in this video - about fear, attachments, identification, clinginess, struggling and efforting but in a very beautiful way, sad but at the same time loving and clear. There is some feeling of space and as if standing on the edge of letting go, humbling, expansion, heart-opening and then death. And at the end of it this "too bad she won't live", echoing this death again, but in the future perspective...

If I look at all characters as if they are all different parts of one, then it looks as if letting go the identity, 'finished'. But then there comes the next step, seeing another attachment to release.)

Hi Yulia,
Hope you don't mind me squeezing in just one post on your blog
It's certainly a very useful blog- ! You are very articulate in describing how it feels to be out the body.I can really relate to your experiences.Ivé had this for most of my life, that feeling of not being centred and in the body, panick, hyperventalation, knowing sometjing is wrong but not knowing WHAT! But I am glad to say it's getting less as I feel I am taking more ownership of my life, bodily incarnational. I don't think Iv'e come across anyone infact who has experienced exactly the same kind of thing as me..It's also interesting how you speak of how it feels to be invaded ny another persons field or invading another persons field. I don't always think it's intentional,it just happens in the flow. I have this alot, where I can easily connect to or feel another persons field no matter how far away they are and immediatly feel those cords/hooks building around ,drawing me, sucking me into a direction, and this can also be a positive connection to the heart giving me new insights about the nature of things, alongside dream I may have to guide me and give me the insights. You just feel it, it's direct telepathic communication.I also feel it when people close their field towards me. Or if there is a negative fixation in which case I will feel the punch in the stomach thing a mile away from that person, as if it really happened.....

For me what had become important is that I learn to also close my field, after a lot of experiences /communications on the other side after a friend died. I became so open, that all kinds of entities/spirits came as such a speedy rate.They were everywhere and no SPACE for ME!!!

So, I have learned who to let in and who to say no I am sorry, not at the momemt'.It's like another world , another dimension when I am open to it. Moments to embrace this and to close it with mutual respect.Most of all, the messages which are being communicated. Even though it does not feel good to be out of the body (or sometimes it can), depending on the experiece, I think it is part of a life purpose.

I sometimes can switch back into that mode and to be so open to just sponge energies around and not feel the brakes, not feel my legs at all.Just floating in my head.
Its a good feeling to be in the body, in the heart and feel your legs on earth..This happened gradually and recently for me and then I felt the final drop,pulled up in a triangluar hooked light,density downwards...

This is our home. So we might aswell make ourselves more comfortable!!

It is always intersting to know how people close their fields to external entities, spirits, other peoples incarnations.What do you do ? And do you see the need for it, or are you happy to keep it open....Sometimes I think I have, because otherwise I might miss out!! But to function in daily life and to get things done, I have to close it. Sometimes it sneaks in, finds a way and the energy can consume. Watching it as the observer when it's finally possible feels right ,again, taking the ownership........
and feeling the brakes....!!

Anyway Yulia, this is meant to be your blog, so I'll step out!(LOL)

Thank-you Yulia for your sharings,insights and wisdom in your personal experiences. YOu seem to be given tremendous understanding through them and it is reassuring to know I am not alone in those experiences.

You have mighty colourful universe going on inside of yourself!!

Wishing you peace and light, happiness in where your heart finds home.

Hi Teresa, feel home in MY blog, you are very welcome

This is really not MY blog, even though it might look like solo, but it is really a place where I share and everybody is invited to join and 'give a hand', add their own insights and experiences to learn from. Discussions, questions, 'written conversations' can be of so much help...
So thank you for diving in and sharing...

Indeed these fields-thing is really something to explore and learn how to. I will share what I found till now in Part 8... (order! )

Much love,
Yulia

I am both most calm than ever and most horrified than ever.

I don't know who came back from the course and from Zurich. There is a clear before and after. Something changed deep inside, and at the moment it seems that this change is irreversible. So I have to learn to live with it.

In the beginning I just experienced myself as a field, then tightness began to accumulate, I felt like a cow with flies all over. I was stressed by coming back, was in and out of my heart and field, on/off with a guidance, but all the time feeling this something in the background, something different, new.

Till now everything I felt was familiar, and I have flashes from my childhood of how it is to be connected to the soul, in the body, present, silent, all these. What I feel now I never experienced and I don't recognize it.

The dynamics is totally changed.

I had this evolution of the Observer:

*from just something in the upper part of my head, on one of the sides of the head, looking on myself in the beginning;

*then it was watching from the whole upper part of the head; then it was really watching, almost with the eyes;

*then at some point it turned to some calm awareness, relaxed and continuous, while I was feeling really joyous a lot and had soul influxes

but all these were connected to the mind somehow that was watching and understanding what is happening

*at some point, when the mind became incapable of digesting what it 'sees', it switched to the empty space that is looking at it all. Gradually I came to the realization that not that I am not the body/emotions/thoughts/feelings, but also that I am not the soul either.

*during the course it felt to me as if I was split to the consciousness that is experiencing everything, to the awareness of what's going on and to the 'usual me', going emotional and tight. And also I began to feel some sensations in the palms of my hands, especially when touching other people.

*In Zurich I kept feeling like this only that I also centered, hit the inner silence spot and hit the higher-guidance and Earth connection combination. And I was doing some psychic stuff, still can't believe it, but getting used to it because it keeps coming.

*when I just came back my feeling of myself changed from some focused around chest and solar plexus to a field, as if I expanded and became some field. It felt new, but comfortable.

*yesterday and today I had some mix between how I felt before the course and after and felt some tension accumulating, like something was coming, I felt unstable, so during these days I didn't do anything, didn't meditate, just connected and centered myself during the day. And there was something else in the background, something new, like intensity from behind me, some new form of awareness/presence. These days I didn't process, I cleaned my place, unpacked, filtered wardrobe, cooked. And I felt the ego like some balloon getting bigger and bigger and trying to have a hold on everything I have experienced and experience.

Today in the evening I had some spontaneous dancing party (alone). The energies were flowing, and I felt great, after I finished something was different.

One of the things were and still are my arms and hands. They move and feel in a way that I don't recognize, almost as if they are not mine (it is making some part of me panic a bit, it IS spooky), like really fluid,VERY different.

I was in expanded state, feeling my field, felt tightness here and there, and then I felt this welling up from inside... and then it bursted. The egoic bubble, and whatever I held these last days in the background (I only now can see it). And I really mean it: I never felt that deep and heavy woe in my life. It felt as if all my field became heavy and dark, even the crying was different. I didn't recognize myself anymore at all. It felt like I am being squeezed to the maximum I can handle, like squeezing a lemon to get maximum juice from it. This feeling, this deep dark sorrow was so intense that I felt that if it would happen to me before the course, I would kill myself to end it. But now I managed to work with it, and felt greatly relieved after a couple of releases. And I could feel this something new in the background I felt during these days, only that now it was really HERE, clear. Then I stopped it, I have had enough, my body was exhausted. I called a friend and distracted myself.

This thing I feel is different from that nothing space, it is some sort of absolutely indifferent, settled, steady, silent something, but it is not the space, it has some, I don't know, 'character', like intensity, vibration. And also it is felt as if more from behind, expanding from behind.

I worked with it and like I did with the 'nothing space', I already don't know how to call what, I brought it from behind into the body. Then I felt some sensations in the body, like formication, or some streams wherever I brought it. And then I just felt as if my body were full, filled. Everything feels more full, expanded, but much more than usually when I get into the body or parts of it. But also this indifference is there. When it is in, all my body becomes like my arms, feels different, feels full, soft and fluid, and it feels as if all my body becomes like a vibrating, like this zzzzzzz, and this vibration goes from the body outside, like radiates it outside.

Also it feels really strong, like the body gets this too, whatever it is it feels like pure intensity, pure 'power'. In the beginning it felt very masculine (I was worrying I am being invaded, but my solar plexus is totally ok, which is rather unusual), but then I activated some feminine energy and it was like a chameleon, 'changed form' into feminine. I mean that this thing whatever it is is adapting to whatever feeling I have. It in itself totally indifferent, but it changes form in accordance with what I feel in the bodymind.

In parallel I really feel a sense of dying, but not in a metaphorical way, but really dying, with all the symptoms except the physical maybe. Like this is what I would feel if I were dying exactly.

Well, what is going on here??!! Is it something foreign? Or is it some evolved form of Observer again? All this is too big for me, too big, but I don't do anything, it is just happening.

After some conversation with a lunatic like me friend, I realized that some warm hug and some warmth, physical, would be really great now, and then I realized that I have nobody here in Israel with whom I could REALLY hug, without them being too needy or too detached. People somehow come to get a hug from me rather than hug me.

Nobody to hug. It made me remember that the path is a really 'lonely' way, so now I have another level of aloneness to explore.

So I go hug myself now, and connect to Earth, she hugs and holds me a lot these days.

And to give a more clear impression: I feel horribly heavy, dark, sad, but at the same time I feel totally calm, still, like Chris says "awesomely okay!", and there is a prodigious stream of energy through me. I am only worried about what it is.

And these arms are driving me crazy, and make me feell I am going to lose my mind.

Good night 3-|

I woke up with sneaking from the sky-view windows warm yellow sun-light spots all around me on a wooden floor and the walls.
And I was as if said - don't worry, you're being looked after. I felt melting...

Three things:

Gift 1 - sensitivity to the energy and to the moment

I had several 'hints' and then direct 'order' from the guidance to become more sensitive to the energies around and keeping it smooth.

Like on the WOH, when I disturbed the field by my 'scientist' Or in friday when I was totally with my own thing and didn't feel and adapt to the energy around.

And I did something else (something funny but unfunnily folly).

So as if I was said - 'time to grow up a bit' and take some responsibility on myself, be more sensitive and attentive to what is going on, to what I am doing and what effect it does, to start really learning. The separation and co-creation again, how to.

So now it feels there are more tools to feel out whether the impulse is authentic or not:

*well the one we know - feeling in the heart what's invited to do

*and asking is it aligned with the energy in the moment? what will it ripple? will it serve? The answers to this questions are also in the heart, but I feel that asking these questions is what's invited from me to do now when going outside (including the internet)/interacting/communicating/sharing and learning (also on mistakes)

Gift 2 - love, peace and completeness

This winter, before, during and after the New Year retreat (which was a challenging, miraculous, full of gifts and a life-changing experience for me), I processed some horrible guilt, self-distrust, self-flagellation, sadness and huge fear to really express myself.

There was self-forgiving process going on, and I cried and cried and cried, and my heart was healing.

So after all the 'misdeeds' and 'flat-singing' I felt this again big time, but not in a form of emotion, but just some energy was moving in me. Now I can feel that yesterday in the evening, this upwelling of this huge dark cloud was a mixture of this guilt (but more on a deeper level this time, as if on the energetic level), really enormous lack of love (self-love), poor ego that is going through really hard times now, I somehow feel compassion toward it, but not yesterday, when it was all like an explosion of huge tight glass-balloon, followed by 'firework' of sharp glass going all into me, stabbing and hurting in multiple spots, felt like all over. It was just the pain of my life, nothing compares to it till now. But at the same time the most calm and okay with what was happening than ever. Only that the mind went a bit nuts, it couldn't difest what was happening. There were things (attachments) I could see and comprehend there in these spots, and many others that I couldn't.

I had no compassion toward myself, I was absolutely indifferent and calm. But there again the softness was missing, only humbling, humility, but I was in Ray 1 mode, so there is more to work on it. Only later I've remembered to connect to Earth, open the heart and let Her warm loving hug spread all over me and around me, then I felt rest, and this feeling of both like a tired man (male) and a baby cuddled and 'craddled'.

Today in the morning I felt more humbled (like some of the 'ego' was washed from me), relieved and so loved. And then I felt this self-love, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, peace, completeness and also a sense of redemption.

Not bad to start the day like this, what do you think? (smile)

Gift 3 - synchronicity speaking

When I see sync, I celebrate somewhere deep inside and really appreciate, because lately, during recent months it really wasn't happening a lot.

But yesterday my friend told me a couple of things:

*that I am open and 'naked' energetically (and I recall that he also said to me during my week in Zurich that I don't find resonance with people and the energy around and that it is good to put some 'clothes' on. He repeated it yesterday, the clothes thing.

In the beginning I was like - but then it won't be real me, it is as if hiding my true self in a way, hiding the truth. But he said that I can't go out like this: hello, I am not me and I have this field around me and 'angels come and hug me every morning', that it is better to feel people, fit myself into their level, as if wear 'their' state, and then through this shielding to feel what wants to come and what should be kept to myself.

And then I recalled about the absolutist described in 5 gateways - the one that wants the truth all the time regardless of the flow. And I can clearly see it now, the absolutist indeed, insensitive to the energy, harmony and flow.

And it is synchronized with the recent events and realizations (the first gift).

So much to learn, I feel so clumsy but also relaxed, it's ok, it will come. and I begin to really feel it - it is all about learning anyway. I have this 'knowing', that I will never feel: I know, I have reached my potential, I'm so great! There is such a vast endless ocean of knowledge, wisdom, forms and kinds I feel. And it seems the more I find out, the more I feel how much there is to find out and learn, and how much there is, how vast this ocean is and I feel 'small', tiny, relatively to that, but 'big' enough to do whatever has to be done now, and this is enough. And it is ok to feel 'small'. Even in our world degradation and withering happen when one things he knows it all and there is nothing else to learn.
When feeling small, I feel open, curious and marvelled, like a child, and everything is miraculous, nothing is trivial or taken for granted.

I also have the sense like it never will it stop, it was, is and always be motion, evolutionary universal flow, so every fragment of the universe will also keep evolving.

**that it would be good to go outside into the matrix, into the world, and just have some 'usual life' a bit. And the sync is today's thought of the day:

"Spiritual practice is valuable. But it is through its direct application to everyday life that makes it priceless..

I was so moved by this sync, felt as if I am being talked to.

All today's morning I feel warm in my heart, starting from the golden light-spots all around me, and feeling this peace, then realizations landing softly, and loving bombardment of guidance through messages and syncs. I feel blessed and grateful.

And full of love with tears in this body's eyes,
Love and light to you all,
Yulia

Im sending you one of those hugs you mentioned above.

H U G S !

You are a beautiful and courageous soul!

Sorry I dont have time for a longer reply, just wanted you to know that you are very much loved.

Catch up soon

Harmony x

THANK YOU!!!!

My heart is melting (I am crying again)

HUUUG!!!

Thank you :')

I go now... out to the world...

Same... I feel exactly the same Harmony

Sending a heart full of Love Yulia!

Hi Yulia,

What is going on for you since the Transfiguration? You asked this very pertinent question...

Well, what is going on here??!! Is it something foreign? Or is it some evolved form of Observer again? All this is too big for me, too big, but I don't do anything, it is just happening.

In the beginning, when we realise there is a much bigger story to follow, we make a mental choice to attune to the soul by observing ourselves - as you know, it's what we call here at Openhand being the "Observer".

But if you remember from the Five Gateways book, at some point, the Observer itself dissolves and we begin to experience ourselves as pure presence - "The Seer". It sounds very definitely as if this is the kind of experience you're having now.

It is a prelude to Transfiguration. We observe, open up and become fully present. When this happens, the soul begins to integrate and infuse more strongly. So we experience deeply transformational (and sometimes destabilising) inner shifts of consciousness - like having quantum leaps in our perception and experience of reality.

The only way out is through! We have to just let it all happen and trust in the flow. We'll experience presence, but then maybe have some unusual and challenging experiences as the soul infuses and flows into our inner density. It will churn up blocked energy which can be a little unsettling at first. Stay with it. Work to be present. Surrender into the moment and what is happening.

You will keep expanding. Your field will keep clearing. Ultimately transfiguration will happen and you'll switch to being the Seer expressed as the soul through the bodymind. But also have patience. This period could last some time although many of the transitions might also be a little more gentle.

There's nothing to fear and everything to embrace!

Chris

For the hugs, kind words, love waves and bringing some clarity and ease.

It is funny how even with 5 gateways great manual still when it is really happening there is confusion about what is going on, so thank you, Chris, for your patience to repeat it all again and again, and you know, for everything.

And thanks to everybody here, I feel as if every comment I read is a wave of support and inspiration. This site is priceless!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
<3

Yulia

Yulia,

You are showing such commitment and application to the 'Path'. I have the deepest respect that you are finding the courage to look within and look at your stuff. Something knocks you down - so it hurts like crazy - and then you get right back up again. It is not an easy journey for anyone but despite all you keep ploughing away. That shines through.

Trinity
x

First of all Trin, thank you so much for this comment!!! Always on time even if I read it with some delay :')
Amazing what some words said from the heart can do!

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Fuuuuh, it is going to be a long one and I will write in a separate comment some of the recent ‘processings’ as examples (after all spirituality is not theoretical, but practical ‘science’ )… Note: all this is of course my experiences and realizations at this moment, it can change, and it might be totally irrelevant to how I was before. So I look at the past ‘mistakes’ as a part of my process, part of the path, actually it WAS my path, and I therefore don’t judge myself for that.

These last days were all about sharpening these realizations and practice  So I now have a more detailed picture and some examples ‘from the field’…

Well, I actually said it all: processing is going into and letting go.

In one word it can be described by one mysterious word: surrender.

What’s the problem to do such an easily describable thing? Here’s the irony: very easy to say, totally not easy to do, it turns out.

So, going into

I found that going into is allowing and that I don’t really have to do anything.
It is in funny contradiction with what I thought it was not so long time ago.

What I was doing was:

• I got fixed on whatever I felt and was determined ‘to let it go’ (NOW it’s funny, back then it was not), I had an INTENTION. It prevented the spontaneous flow and blinded me from what was really there, under the ‘primary’ feeling.

• I was pushing myself into it, into the tightness, rather than accepting it and feeling it, or allowing it

It felt like trying to break the stone with an axe, from all the perspectives, the effort was huge, the effect – so-so I only tried to break the shield, disabling myself from becoming fluid, just effortlessly leaking inside and dealing with what is really there. I was stuck with ‘symptoms’, distracting myself from the ‘root distortion’.

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For me I spot the next stages in processing (there are main key ones and possible not necessarily happening ones):

Key stage 1 – spotting the feeling: I just feel something. It can be like a spark – it is all there in one moment, or it can be like a wave, there is a feeling that something is coming and gradually intensifying.

There is some misconception sometimes that only ‘bad’ feelings/sensations/things are to be processed, i.e. to lose identification with, but the nice, pleasant and ‘spiritual’ ones can be kept. This one made me identify with the soul and the sensations of its infusion, creating tightness and eventually preventing it from infusing. Until I realized that “I” am not the soul either, as sad as it was, later supported by all kinds of syncs around. So it is actually funny question: what to process at all? And for me now the answer is everything, anything I feel identification with, be it good or bad, pleasant or painful, allowing EVERYTHING to flow through me, like through a crystal clear glass, unimpaired. Once I identify, I create a dense spot on the glass and the flow gets disrupted, distorted. Or it can be seen as light going through this glass, if there is a dense spot, it will get refracted, diffracted, it won’t come out as it got in.

Stage 2 – catching myself. Any of these can happen next:

• feeling of losing myself in whatever I feel or is happening to me, identification and if really paying attention to how it feels, the identification, then it really feels as if I am ‘enjoying’ it in a way, it is ME, I am holding on to it, clinging on it, I WANT it, want to keep it; while in parallel there is something in me that feels it is a ‘lie’, not real, feels trapped in it, confined, imprisoned, lost. So these two build what I call the activated volcano effect. Things are stirred, tempest, the ‘fume is here’, and now the question is am I going to let it all out and go or keep it and there is also an option to close and seal the lid in fear of either losing whatever it is I am holding or facing whatever I feel/see there? This is the ultimate mechanism; we are trained to do this for years. Keep it all locked in.

• getting tight – I might not be aware I am actually identifying and think I am really processing because I feel it (it happened to me), but there is a sure symptom: I get tight around it. So the question is am I getting tighter or softer? Do I feel contracting or expanding? Do I feel things really flow through or stick on me, in me?

• as if losing connection - to the higher guidance, soul (for me Earth connection is almost continuous, bringing softness, love and support and is present when I am processing nowadays)
I thought for so long that I get disconnected, when actually I only wasn’t noticing it was there. It just gets dimmed by the ‘drums’ and I can tune back to it whenever I spot myself losing it.

When I am processing, I still feel love, light and support all around me, TOGETHER with the denseness/noise. It feels as if there is a presence of some guidance there in the background, I feel I am not alone and not thrown into all this, but rather brought and guided through.

Otherwise, if I am lost in the feelings, identifying or I get the back-up defense program activated in a form of denial, distraction or “Kansas city shuffle”, I lose the sense of being guided and ‘surrounded’, lose the feeling of love and support.

Denial is not necessarily a chosen action, I found. It can just happen, as if subconsciously, and the only way to know it is to spot the feeling of slight avoidance, as if floating over something, feels not so right, too light, too shallow. It feels as if I am trying to get to some point, but always missing it, a sense of mishit. It can be covered by some ‘verbal’ misused forms like “relax”, “breathe”, “calm down”, “put yourself together”, etc, which dissolve what is coming instead of helping to get into it. How to know the difference: If I use it as a toll to deny/bypass, then the tightness keeps there in the background, I as if “relax” in parallel to the tightness, the feeling that arose and the ‘diving’ don’t meet

It is like trying to get into the cold water and saying “relax”, relaxing, but staying on the shore, instead of getting carefully into the water, while relaxing in it, into the sensations.

Distraction can be mind narration/’running’ to the internet/eat something/talking a lot out of sudden, etc. Distraction can be also a guided thing, when it is time to rest, integrate, recover, settle, but then the feeling of guidance won’t be lost. Whatever it is, it feels like running away. It is a cute one, and I laugh at it and bring myself back, without judging or pushing, I jest center back, go back into the feeling.

Kansas city shuffle is the trickiest back up mechanism, it trapped me for months with this getting stuck on a certain feeling, and ‘processing it to death’, while it was only the tip of the iceberg, a rope to pick and follow. It prevented me from following and getting to the core distortion. This what happened to me in past, what I described before. It was operating on my fear to face things. Another such mechanism I spotted while processing: when I get distortion over processing, built on self-flattering/pride/heroism about the processing. Then it feels as if things stop really flowing and there is a new tightness building itself, as if ego begins to own it. In other words, I identify with the processing (I know it sounds a bit crazy, but it’s real and it is blocking it all). The difference is that when processing, it feels I do nothing, nothing at all, feels like things flow and happen on their own, I only allow, open, let. In the ‘shuffled’ case it feels as if I am doing it, I am releasing, I am working, I am going into it, etc, in short I am processing (it is the same for both cases described).

• losing my center, fleeing out of the body and shifting into the mind (I’ll repeat these in this context just in case) - usually one of these happen when hitting a distortion/attachment, even if just for a moment. Feels like either getting excited about something ‘pleasant’ going on (and it does feel like some sort of excitation) or it can be “oy oy oy, mamma” when things get unpleasant, painful or dark.

Losing center, well, it feels like dis-settling. I was centered, settled, comfortable and steady in my field, and then the other moment I feel how I am getting destabilized or even pulled out of my center. It can only get to the stage of fluctuations around the center, like brrrr, as if I am being shaken, feeling unstable, it can be subtle or really intense, or get to the point when I am totally kicked out. If I feel it, then it can be a good sign I am identifying with something, maybe even in a blind spot. Then it goes like what I described in Part 2.

Fleeing out of the body. It can happen to anybody, but I found that star-people are especially prone to flee out of the body when hitting the denseness of the human experience. It just doesn’t ‘make sense’ to be like this, so let’s get out of here.

And this is when the mind begins to run with narrations, interpretations, what to do now’s and all that.

The solution for all this is the same. I used to effort to put myself together, like come on, “connect back”, which was creating tightness and distracted me from the feelings. Now I just watch it, and FEEL it all, and “let it all be”. Once I leave the mind’s narration alone, and just feel, become just aware, then I am automatically settling in the heart and all the rest is balancing itself on its own. It feels as if the system went boosted up, and everything flew up, but when I just feel, it is like everything is flowing back down through a funnel.

And the great thing is that I don’t lose what came up and caused me to ‘fly’, because I feel it all and don’t focus on anything in particular. I feel this entire tornado around.

BUT it doesn’t always work, and sometimes things get too unstable (like yesterday), and it is time for Ray 1 to balance the system. Then it might feel like some purposeful, strict ‘directions’ land, like “hold, hold” or “just watch”, etc. But it is not the mind saying these, there is also no effort, it is just landing, into the field.

And here it is important to feel the difference between Ray 1 and effort. Ray 1 feels like just a directing energy, holding and ‘putting together’, it is also totally flowing and spontaneous, and there is a feeling of guidance. Effort feels like tightening, doing something, and disconnection, and again this ”I do”.

• blocking - there is this ‘moral reflex’ I experience. It IS an actual reflex. I t is what I was taught to perceive as totally unacceptable to think/feel/do. It is when something is coming up and then as if some shutter is activated: I am not allowed to feel it! I recognize it from dream circuit breaker, the one that wakes me up if I ‘dare’ to dream something inappropriate. This is probably what some psychologists call Super-ego, taking on itself the role of our parents and teachers and keeping controlling us when we’re ‘big’.

It feels like this shutter is on the solar plexus level, and it is just a switch. It feels like I am going downward into the feeling, then something is switched on, the shutter gets on the way and as if kicks me back up a bit, but if I spot it, then it is really easy to pass it, just watching and gliding back down.

These were and still are the main stumbling blocks in my processing experience. This is what I found has happened to me, and the spookiest thing is that I was not even really aware, only that strange feeling that there is something not so right going on and general feeling of slight misalignment and effort. But I couldn’t know what it was. And what happened to me is that with all these places I really didn’t want to go into, I got stuck for several months.

Key stage 3 – letting go

I will also first tell about my delusions and things that made it much harder.

Before the course I ‘thought’ that letting go is just keeping myself there in the tightness until it releases itself, or keeping myself with the feeling/lump, pushing and squeezing myself into it until the feeling or lump move on. The main thing was that I endeavored with both, had a ‘goal’ and was DETERMINED TO LET GO . Funny now. Of course it was not too efficient. It was making me even tighter and mainly exhausting, with the effect so tiny (now that I can compare), that it was really more self-torturing, rather than self-realizing, which processing is about, for me anyway.

And while it might look obvious, I only got it when I was brought to confront my thighs during the Transfiguration course, and I was thinking I am doing fine, but Chris kept telling me let go, let go, and when I finally did ‘hit the tune’ for a moment, I got the taste what it really is and was trying to make my way out crawling to the door There is nothing like learning to swim when already in the water.

When tough stuff is coming up, the last thing you want to do is strive, it only make it all ‘worse’, adding more stuff like more tightness, frustration, disconnection from the guidance, even panic.

It is like When you’re in the swamp: the more you move, the deeper you sink.

And like I mentioned, because I had a mind-led intention to let go, I had a fix on it and couldn’t feel and adapt to the flow, couldn’t listen to and follow the guidance. I was insensitive to what was going on.

*So letting go is not intended or planned, but more coming from an inner commitment to the soul, to the truth and TRUST in the guidance, in the universe, no matter what, followed by acceptance and surrender.

It will sound very familiar and it is as ‘simple’ as: letting go is watching and feeling it all AS IT IS NOW, while losing identification with whatever is there. It is not a decision, aim, intention, trying to release something, getting to some other feeling, like relief or whatever. It is leaving everything as it is, accepting, feeling it all fully, immersing myself into the feelings gently, softly, with awareness (the stream was a great teacher how to).

And watching what is going on, keeping following the guidance, ready to adapt, step back, ease down, or on the contrary, keep softening more. It is really like with the stream. If I stay too long, but won’t be able to relax and soften, then I will only get tighter or if I will be insensitive to the body, I will get hypothermia :S

And also I was going into all this in warrior mood, but it seems to work when I feel love, light and support surrounding me. When I have these, I can trust, open and accept. And then it moves, spreads.

Another way to see it is as the opposite of holding. When I identify, I feel as if there is an envelope of tightness around the feeling, which is holding it and keeping it in place. If I am strongly attached, then panic to lose it can accompany the process. I can really feel how I am holding on to it, with both hands and teeth. And here too you don’t want to push yourself, but to soften more, ‘love’ more, trust and surrender more. If it gets really tough, I ask for some help, from the guidance (through the crown) or Earth (from the heart). Usually it doesn’t take long for the assistance to come, as if only asking is already act of trust and alowing, so things begin to move. Using the ‘old trick’ “How would YOU have me be now?” worked several times for me these days. So when I feel I HOLD I say “let go”, and as if ‘open the grasp’, and then there is some separation happening, it stops being me and I am just watching and feeling it.

------------------

In this way, I am releasing myself from what was defining or holding me in a certain form, anything. I become clear of this form that was me. I as if shift to a clear undefined space while feeling all that what used to swallow me with the hat and shoes.

It feels like the sky: the birds are flying there, the airplanes, winds are blowing, it is raining, getting stormy, there are clouds, then there are not, it is blue and then black, etc etc, but all the while the sky doesn’t stop being just the sky behind all this. It is just a free clear unlimited and unconfined silent space where it all is happening. And if to expand this image, than it is like the medium in which everything is going on in the universe. There are energies, vibrations, processes, experiences, objects and life forms, but the medium where it all is happening is always there, totally stable, untouched, silent.

Key stage 4 – the expansion. And when this happens, during and after letting go, the release of identification, then usually I feel dropping into this silent clear non-identified space (even only for a moment, till the next thing is coming), all the borders get blurred, everything blends and I feel totally ‘not holding’, there is nothing mine in that moment, you can say no “I”.

For me there is some numbness in this experience, as if I feel it all in the most intense and full way than ever, but at the same time there is this indifference too.

And this is really interesting to see how it works with both ‘pleasant’ experiences and ‘unpleasant’.

With the ‘stuff’ it is cool to let go, like the mind and ego still can ‘understand’ and justify it. So as hard as it may be, there is some approval going on from the mind (and creates the Kansas thing). And when the relief comes, ego is also feeding on it, so there is already something to process (identification with the relief and expansion, owning them).

But go justify letting go the joy, the release, and all this. Here the mind has some more trouble. If I lose identification with the pleasant things, from eating something tasty to universal love, light and joy, then it intensifies, spreads, expands, gets more and more, until I get tight again (as if can’t handle it, too ‘good’), so there IS experience but I am not identifying, it is almost not me who experiences it.

So it seems if I let go, I can have it all and much more!!! (I get a sense that I only get a taster of what I can feel). There is some irony – let go and you can have it But can’t let go by intention, so… funny. Ego can’t trick it really so well.

This was about processing and I add some of the accompanying it feelings/thoughts as a bonus in epilogue 

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Epilogue to Part 3

What can arise about all this:

For me now it is getting clearer and clearer what it is all about, and I keep recalling this line “people don’t want spirituality”, they just want some happiness and to feel comfortable. I must say I can’t blame them hhh. I can feel it myself sometimes, who would want such a thing??!! Or like The Other David put it in one of his comments: ”I didn’t sign up for THIS!” hhh

It IS hard to realize and accept that you are actually going to lose EVERYTHING, and have absolutely NOTHING in return. This is not what I was taught to be fair-and-square at all! So how do I go on with this? It just feels right, that’s all, no other way, so I keep going, clumsily maybe, limping, slipping and falling a bit here and there. And even if I think to go back, I feel so empty, horrified and suffocated, that it makes it impossible to go back anyway. No other exits but the one in front.

And it could get really unbearable and undoable, unless the enormous love and support I feel from the whole universe. And I wish people could feel it, how it is when the tree is calling you to give you support and comfort when you’re totally broken, how it is when She is talking to you, holding you, embracing with love, how it is to see/hear the universe talking to you, sending help from the most unexpected directions, you meet people you never thought you will meet, go to places you never thought you will go, see signs and messages all around when you’re confused and lost. Life becomes unpredictable and miraculous. What it is like when I am down on my knees to feel how love streaming down on me, how I am being held and guided, literally feel how it is lifting me up back on my feet… feeling loved just as I am, taken care of? How can I go back after all this? I can’t!

----------------------------

Another thing that landed on me yesterday was that I am still ‘playing’ now, I still as if have a choice, have some experiences, feelings, emotions, still can do things that are maybe not so aligned with the flow, and I am being ‘forgiven’, I still take care of myself now, still not in ‘service’, so I can fool around a bit like some ‘spiritual child’. When I land into this feeling of non-identification, it is over, I am as if ‘at full service’, like “I’m your man” feeling, ‘alert and ready to go’ with the universal ‘order’. It is over then, the feeling of playing, I become a tool. It is a blissfull experience, but I some part of me is getting the creeps when coming back to a more identified state. There begins a very confusing dynamics between *commitment, readiness to do whatever and whenever and a sort of yearning for this state, because it feels true; AND * fear and child-like “how is that??!!!” :S, some panic on a very deep level and this “no no no!!! we are not going in there”. It is not a problem if I manage to not-identify, but it becomes really turbulent and ‘hurricany’ if I slip, like yesterday.

And the last one is the sense of responsibility, which seems to be growing as I evolve, which can be a bit heavy at times, as I realize how much my choices ripple out, cause some either constructive or disturbing effect. I am being shown it still on relatively small scale, but I get the hint and can intuit what it means on the big scale. It is somewhat scary.

Ok, this is all for now.
I will write recent examples (with accompanying realizations) in the next comment.
<3
Yulia

Today I have read what Chris wrote about the soul in his latest comment:

a soul is not an identity - it is not a being. A soul is simply an expression of the one being - the one that never dies.

So I had another 'alarm'. I wrote in Part 3 that I realized that I am not the soul either.

Now I realize that I am not the soul the way I perceived it.

I gave it some form, some 'features' according to what I felt when it was infusing, then I realized that I am not this form. So if the soul doesn't have any, and like Chris says it is the expression of one being, then the misconception was about what soul is.

In any case, it is easy to get lost with definitions and understanding what is what. The only thing I can't go wrong with is feeling. Nonetheless, in this world we communicate with words, concepts and definitions, and then semantics is important here, so we don't confuse each other and speak the same language. So I felt it is important to make this 'correction'.

Love,
Yulia

I'd say it's pretty usual Yulia that when people realise they are not the ego, the false self or the bodymind, there's still a looking for an identity to latch onto. As they strip away the identity of the lower self, they feel an infusion of soul and latch onto that... "Ah that must be it, that's what I've been looking for. So that's who I am!" If this attachment persists, then a spiritual identity is often created.

Sooner or later we discover ourselves as nothing/everything and rest in that. This is the part that never dies - even the soul is transient.

Chris

Does it mean that separation is only a temporary transient 'state' in the evolution of the universe?

I get this picture... the dissipation to fragments is some enormous grandiose 'developmental game', like when we are little, we play with all kinds of games to develop this and then develop that... And we take it very seriously until we grow up a bit

The 'illusionary' cleavage of the whole went stepwise, like a tree splitting to branches and more branches and more branches...

But as the system evolves, the branches are 'absorbed' back into the whole, also stepwise, and when the development is completed, it will be the whole again only that now it will have self-awareness, which all this seems to be about.

Before: only existence and presence
After: self-aware existence and presence

Is it something like this?

Yes it's a great metaphor Yulia.

I'd also add: one thing seems to get missed quite frequently when people start becoming self realised, which is the absolute fundamental importance of the separation. It's like in your Cypher Matrix clip, we know the steak isn't real, yet Cypher is being an identity knowing it isn't real. Paradoxically that makes the steak less real.

True enlightenment is to be fervently - absolutely - on the razors edge of reality/non reality. Take a look around you at everything that is going on in the world - the incredible suffering and the incredible joy. The Seer which is present in all of this is present in you too. Can you fathom the incredible depth of you as the Seer that can witness all of that - experience all of that - and not be identified? That's the measure of the depth of who you are. That's how much you can endure, laugh, love, cry.

Chris

Yes, it IS tricky to be on the edge... even if I already hit it numerous times and 'got it', but then some more challenging stuff coming that kicks me out and then I fall to either of sides...

I see it as a slack-lining training on a shaking string. You got the balance on level 1, then the string is being shaken more and more vigorously and I actually find that in the beginning I usually fall for a while (and I am learning to accept it), then I gradually learn to balance level 2, then on and on...

And all the while the 'capacity' is growing, as if I can 'take' more and more, experience more and more, open, expand and feel love and light more.

This link came into my life now, very relevant, feels very resonating:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH61VQyVjnc&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

After a couple of days of feeling out... I decided to post it. Then I couldn't find where. It is both 'the divine in our world' and balancing Ray 1 and 2 and inspiring video... So I just put it here... as a complementary comment to Part 1...

This video for me is one of the miracles how it is possible to 'hit the divine tune' through selflessness (which often happens in 'true' art) and I find it magnificent both as a performance and as the energy I feel coming from it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdjAbhZi-QU

After watching it I feel so energized and empowered.

For me it is about flowing through and adapting, while switching Ray 1 and 2 all the time: stillness, clarity, purpose, precision, 'sharpness' and then slowing down, softness, some surrendering to the motion and fluidity.

The name is also 'interesting': "Two" (the 2 rays? even if this is not what they meant )

And I feel this presence all over, as if she is not identified, not 'emotional' at all about what is going on, watching herself moving.

Another metaphor I see there is that in the beginning it is very slow, and it is easier to see where it is Ray 1 and 2, but as the video goes on, it becomes faster and faster, and barely noticeable, and the adaptation is so quick, that it turns to just one continuous flow of alertness and presence.
Also most of the video she is repeating the same movements, going faster and faster, and towards the end it all goes 'free' flow, as if she now can find the balance with whatever comes, very quickly and effortlessly, just adapting and flowing.

This is what I see there

With love,
Yulia

An experimental collage I've made in attempt to express my love for the 'blue' part of the Earth, I have a long time friendship with Earth's 'water', since my childhood) and jelly-fish bites don't scare me away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pYR_ogz7vs

Beautiful, peaceful, loving, welcoming, this is how I feel it...

(except a 'slight' fear to drown )

xxx

Hi Yulia,

Just had to comment on your beautiful little film. The music was just right and the film was edited to match it so well.

I also love water and the oceans, especially the Indian Ocean. Your film reminds me of one of the treasured moments of my life when, when snorkelling above a completely vibrant and unpolluted coral reef, I swam with a large turtle for a few minutes. I gasped at her beauty and dignity. She was nothing short of majestic.

I also thought some of the jellyfish shots could equally have been taken in space. I didn't realise Openhand has such great filmmakers!

with love
Veronica
x

Hi Veronica

Thank you for sharing your magical moments!

The beauty of this world is really breathtaking, isn't it? I am so glad that my humble attempts to put just some glimpses together have managed to bring up the memories of your happy water experiences It is really great!

Much love <3
Yulia

Hi,

During a couple of challenging but very interesting days I was brought (I am not sure by what guidance) to see all kinds of videos, read articles and somehow get in touch with all this material having to do with channeling info from the Nine 'winged-something' masters and all that...

I've heard about them before, really vaguely and from far away (like somebody else experienced something or was contacted by them directly), so I kinda approached it very carefully and tried to feel out if I am in 'the right place', but it seemed I was just there, absorbing the info.

So, most of the information is VERY aligned with what I feel is true for me and felt very resonating.

Also the energy seemed to be ok, rather light and 'shiny', really unobtrusive, friendly and clear (like here's the info and that's it).

And I felt really great.

While I was sure that I can use the info and stay unaffected by whatever else this stuff could possibly do to me, some cocoon of energy began to build itself around me, and for a while I thought it is just me softening, becoming more joyous, getting out of some negativity and therefore attuning and reconnecting, so I felt the lightness, light and expansion.

Knowing the difference between my light and 'foreign'

I had a chat later with The Other David, and mentioned these recent developments and asked how can I know if the energy is really mine. His answer made me aware that I actually DID get myself into some 'foreign' energy bubble, which I confused with my own Higher self's light.

So comparing his experience and mine, what I've learned is:

*that indeed my energy feels, as David defines organic, natural, and can be compared with the energy of such things as trees, Mother Earth, animals, etc

Also I am already familiar with it, so IF I pay attention, then I can relatively easy recognize it and tell the difference from this other, very similar, but definitely not the same 'what-feels-like-benevolent' energy, which David called synthetic.

And after feeling out and 'playing' for several hours I can say that while it is VERY confusing because of such similarity (the light, expansion, love waves, feeling of well being, being taken care of, all these) and power in it (and it might feel like a really intensely cosy and nice bubble to be in), this other type of energy can definitely NOT be compared with the energy of Mother Earth. It feels more ethereal, more 'extra-terrestrial'.

*Also I experienced the difference in temperature and shades, as if my own light feels more warm, more 'golden tinted', whereas the other one felt more chilling (pleasantly though), more white, cold-'colored'.

*Another thing is groundedness. My energy allows me still to connect with Earth and ground. As I mentioned, I lately intermix them, connect through the crown up and let it flow from up downwards; and also connect through the heart with Earth and let her flow from base upwards. The two don't have any problem to mix together. This way I am both connected and also grounded and in my body as much as possible (until I am kicked out ) ...

With this other type of energy it just doesn't work, I can't mix it with Earth's energy and can't really center and get into my body.

*Silence and centeredness test. I couldn't access this state of feeling this silent still center with my field surrounding me with this thing. As if this bubble swallows my own field and keeps me floating all around my center, spreading around it and unable to really get there. And it also feels as if it is DEFINITELY NOT SILENT and settled, as my own energy feels. It is a very pleasant, but not 'still' energy, it's some sort of 'friendly light-noise' field.

Questions

*So... am I being after now? hehe I guess I gotta ground more and be more careful and attentive to what kind of energy I am 'flushed' with.

*It is hard for me to understand what their motivation is.

OC and entities feed on negativity or emotions, but what these 'guys' could possibly 'want'/need? I mean why? After all, they ascended, why would they do such 'funny' stuff?

Also how can it be that in higher dimensions there is still this 'separation-denseness-symptoms' typical to the 3D? Like how can it be that in higher dimensions there is 'desire', 'interest', ambition, etc, like needing 3D's negativity or 'hunting' after evolving people?

To me it seems as if these are just creatures with certain function, like hedgehog for example didn't chose to be one and he didn't plan or had any ideas about his needles on his back. He just has them built in (both to pick up apples with and to protect himself, as a survival tool).

Is it the same with these creatures? They are like that? Like they are just feeding on the negativity, no interest, no need, no dependence? It is just the way they are. Or do they chose to be this way?

Another option is that we actually have a pact with them in advance, so again, this is their 'function', and they do it with those who made pact with them? It is like a game, and it is only us who are not laughing. Like on this and this day you attack me, ok? Yey!

More options:
I invented them They do not exist, it is a "tilting at windmills', it is just the way for my ego to inhibit the evolution.

And the last one - they are the test for me to feel the commitment to the soul, like for example: "Here's joy, happiness, love, or power, some abilities, here's family, a place where you belong, respect, etc (depends on what the weak spot is)..." and then the question is am I really committed to the truth or just looking for something, one of these?

In any case, not that I am looking for some sense or understanding, but I am curious, it would make more sense if these Ascended Masters were fulfilling their part by doing what they are doing, rather than being the 'bad guys' or something. It would explain why the actual info is very much aligned.

But it doesn't mean I should not work with them by the rules of the game, which are 'they are bad guys for me now', or more correct to say, they are here to show me what I am NOT more than what I am and expose the attachments, weak spots and identifications, as they did with me during just one day (and it still works, I can see which buttons this energy was playing on: trying to escape the 'unpleasant sensations', loneliness and not-belonging, etc etc)

xxx
Yulia

Hi Yulia,

Your investigations are going really deep! But you're in the right place

There is indeed a "Group of Nine". These are highly evolved, what you might call 'perfected' (although still continually evolving) aspects of consciousness. Their frequency is so fine, it can be very hard to perceive accurately. A Human Mind would often interpret them as 'beings' or 'light beings' or 'Ascended Masters'. Other names used are 'Great White Brotherhood' (I always found that one very peculiar!) or 'Council of Nine' (a gross distortion).

The Group of Nine have evolved to the point so as to be beyond form, although they can take form. They are a Benevolent Presence acting from the centre of the universe in higher dimensions (essentially the 11th Dimension around the source). Personally I call them a "Benevolent Presence" and it's through learning how to work with this energy that Openhand came into being. It is an approach to connecting with and working with that energy.

Within the nine, are seven "Kohans". Some call them 'masters of the rays' (although again, the names are not at all appropriate for that level of consciousness). The Kohans are overseers of each of the Seven Rays of Divine Impulse (that we often speak of on this site). There is an Eight whose purpose is to blend the frequencies of the seven Kohans into one integral and constantly changing frequency - like playing music in an orchestra. Then there's number nine, whose purpose is to 'steer the direction' so to speak. 'She' acts as a mirror - a sounding board - to the frequency being played. This vibration resonates through the universe - its kind of like a 'homing beacon' drawing souls to ever higher levels of perfection.

When people learn to work with the nine (and very few so far have), the nine will resonate particular frequencies in your own field (because you invited it - sometimes at a higher unconscious level). It amplifies a vibration of your own (no one else's but yours) so that you can feel it more strongly. In this way, the nine - acting as one - are a mirror to your own unfolding. But the really important thing is this: the group does not tell you what to do. It will in no way try to control your evolution. It will only ask you questions - very intuitive ones - about your knowing of reality. It might present a view on reality, but it won't tell you 'this is the absolute truth'. Even at that level, it will offer only a perspective on truth. In this way, the nine are a positive catalytic force for change.

Now in the fourth dimension there are energies pretending to be this higher consciousness but they are not. Some know this energy as the "Ascended Masters". One way they operate is to infuse one's field with light - like a bubble of bliss - that can make you feel really good but ungrounded. It essentially takes the soul out of the body. Then other energies come in - inauthentic ones - which essentially lead people astray. They pull on the energies of surrounding people preventing their souls from fully infusing. This is the energy that was trying to intervene on the recent Transfiguration course. That's why I was given instead to change the way the energy moved half way through the course - you'll remember I invited people to draw a resonance from Gaia instead - up from the earth. The nine were still present, but receded so that their vibration would not be confused with the attempted deception.

Yes this is an interesting predicament! There are awakening people all across our planet working with the so called "Ascended Masters" and being duped in this way. Their true enlightenment is being side-tracked and their ascension retarded. Not only that, but because of this 'bubble of light' they often carry, they lead others astray too. It is the finest level of deception by Opposing Consciousness.

Yet the nine are working to break this deception and with it the controlling influence. Increasingly more and more people - especially the star people - are becoming sensitive enough to feel the interplay. People like you (and the Other David) - people who hold a special frequency that can negate the deceptive frequencies. This is one of the 'remits' here at Openhand: to work with 'star-people' who have that potential. People who came here to 'level the playing field' so that humanity could re-engage it's natural journey of spiritual evolution.

Chris

Wow Chris - now I realise even more than before what a different soul I am from those you describe and how very far I still have to go on my path.

However, for me, it is extremely helpful to have that insight and knowledge into what was going on during The Transfiguration. Otherwise, it's like trying to do a giant jigsaw puzzle when some of the pieces are blank, so thank you.

Veronica x

Ok, now things got clearer...

Thank you!

Hey Veronica, you don't have to go that far, I heard that it is actually here and now ;D

This is so intereseting. I joined a newsletter group some time ago all about the Galatic Federation and the Council of Nine.

I recieved regular channelled information via email with messages all about their 'mission' here.

Although eventually I removed myself from the list, as something didnt feel quite right after a while, with lots of talk about the greys and their impact, conspiracy theories etc....which I dont negate at all..and although some of it made me feel light and expanded ...some underlying energy unsettled me.

I am very familiar with this information that you speak of.

Fascinating that it has come up again here!

Thank you Yulia and Chris

Much Love

Harmony

Hi Harmony,

Yes the Galactic Federation is another one of those dupes. They are effectively a soft and enticing front for Opposing Consciousness and many are getting sucked into it.

There are some well publicised examples of people being taken in and the 'horror' stories that then happen. You might want to check out the biography of George Kavassilas and what happened to him. They target people who can be particularly influential. They provide energy - a story - and then slip distortion in under their 'radar screen'. After a while, what was a pure energy has been glamorised so as to marginalise it. It becomes unbelievable to those people who would previously have been open to the message.

Take a look at the David Icke story. Yes I totally agree with him, an Opposing Consciousness has interfered with mankind for millenia. But then showing pictures of Prince Charles and George Bush as shape-shifting reptilians - what does that do for any serious credibility?

Chris

I have felt quite reserved about sharing this 'generally'. But when I see this type of inquiry I realise that I can perhaps shed light on this from my own experience.

During a meditation session recently three etheric non-earthly 'ascended master type' beings came into my energy field. This is not a typical way for me to work so I watched closely. I'll share the short version here....

First important factor. Initially, I observed an intoxicating 'drug-like' infusion of blissful energy permeating my field.

These 'beings' appeared to be projecting an incredibly beautiful, loving energy. I spoke to them, engaging in a telepatic conversation. Their energy seemed very respectful of mine. If it were not for the fact that I am not a seeker, then I might have totally relished this experience.

This experience felt like an inappropriate intrusion (despite the incredibly bliss-like nature). I basically told them that they were not welcome in this space and asked them to leave.

The most bizarre thing is that as I continued to watch this energy I saw the intoxicating veil fall. I saw how the blissful energetic projection of benevolence was simply being created, almost like a projection onto a cinema screen. Along with an intoxicating energy I could see how this energy would quite successfully create an alternative reality for anyone who fell prey to the dupe.

It was incredibly convincing and very clear at that point that anyone with a desire for this kind of 'ascended master'etc input. Or anyone in denial of their stuff wishing to create a better reality would be putty in the hands of this malevolent energy.

So what was behind the veil?

A grotesque, dark energy - feeding of the energy that is was controlling.

x

Yes. I resonate with what you are saying Chris. I watched the David Iyke films about 10 years ago and then again just a couple of years ago. I was more naive to things the first time and was amazed and pleased that these things were being discussed in this way. Although I noticed that after watching I felt very much in fear of the illuminate and their influence on us. Even the music on the films made me tense, very dramatic like a adventure, horror movie that made me panicky and tense.

The second time I watched them a few years back, I could really feel how something didnt feel 'right' about it all. I was left feeling that it is all very well imparting the knowledge contained within these films, but where is the positive message of what we can do as individuals to help heal the situations they discussed? I could see through the drama and could feel within my field how there was something that just didnt feel 'right' about the messages contained within.

I also knew alot of people who were a little obsessed with conspiracy theories and literally 'sucked up' all of this information and would be very passionate about discussing how we are all manipluated etc...it wasnt so much that what they were saying didnt have some truth contained within, but the charge that they carried forward wasnt helping solve the problem but just fuelled it energetically.

Trinity. I have also had overwhelmingly blissful experiences while meditating and it is very easy to believe that this feeling is what we are searching for. This is completeness. I am not sure where I was being influenced by opposing consciousness. I didnt question it at the time. But I am really coming to understand that its the everything/nothingness beyond all of this that is a truer experience.

The blissful state is VERY alluring.

The everything/nothingness - the void - feels to the mind almost 'no' experience at all in comparison. Just presence.
It is a very clever deception indeed.

Much Love

Harmony

Yulia,

I am so glad you can see it. I really try not influence anyone with this topic as it seems to be necessary in most cases to be duped first and work out to understand this energy and how it works. However I do have my experiences and share them if I feel to do so.

Chris,

thanks for sharing all this so openly, I know there is a risk in it and I am glad you are going there.

Trinity,

this is exactly what it felt like to me. Even I did not "see" it but just had a knowing of that being so. It is very interessting how you describe the "projection" of benevolence - wich is what I have come to call "synthetic". They really make a syntetic imitation of the real thing, that almost! looks like real.

Bliss

The shocking news for many people might be that yes, these beings can use what looks like love, beauty and bliss against you. I was after bliss a lot and that was one of the points they could get me. Another one was intensity of inner experience ..and power.

Power

I have come to a place now where I can sense the energy straight away. Once you can tell a synthetic from an organic energy, it becomes quite easy. You really only need to read two sentences of a text to see which energy is standing behind it. Yulia describes it beautifully.

The same works with people. Highly evolved people who are being assimilated by these beings are VERY powerful. They seem very loving, enlightend, they can transmit energy through their eyes that makes you bliss out for several days (I experienced it). So how to tell what is real power and what synthetic?

The easiest way I found to explain it is:

Does their power take space? Does it need room? Does it take the room? Does it "jump at you"?

Real power does not take any space. It is resting in itself. It invites and does not jump out. Its radiation is silent as is that of a flower: passionate stillness. Powerful yes. But it is in harmony with the sourrounding. It is in harmony with Gaia and it "blends with space".

The false power takes a lot of space and mostly controls the space in some way.

It is quite easy to see if you just concentrate on that distinction.

Assimilation

I have observed this beings working with a lot of people now and quite a few share the same pattern. What these beings seem to do is to slowly assimilate you into their structure.

First come the channelings and all the other material that literally has the energy woven into it. (Dont ask me how this is done, but I can sense it)

Then come the "drug-like" (often colored) lights, and often huge inner/energetic experiences.

Then there might be some contact, often asking for an opening in the crown, trust and surrender to them "helping you".

Then messages that you are a very important lightworker/messenger/channel and they will guide you on your mission. Or that you are now a member in the galactic federation or work for one of the Masters .. or the like.
(stroking the ego)

They might then create huge inner experiences, full of fireworks and emotional material. I have heard several stories of people who had huge inner cermonies played out, where crystals were placed in their hearts or stuff like that.

I have seen that pattern with several people now, including myself - so just a thing to be aware of.

David

Hi David,

Thanks for sharing - to me it feels like a very insightful and intuitive overview of how that Opposing energy works. It's absolutely invaluable and even though there are precious few speaking about this right now, I feel it is time more of us started doing so. In the years ahead, it will become utterly priceless to the evolution of mankind. And yes Harmony, the key in reading material about the conspiracy is to continually ask... "how does that make me feel?"

There is a way of speaking about these things without taking people into fear and anguish or anger. The story being put out is consciousness itself, and when interwoven with subverting frequencies, it draws people in, resonates a particular aspect of their identity (false identity) and builds more energy around that.

And yes, the place to be in all of this grand deception is in and through it all - in truth - which is to be in the 'everything/nothing'. In observing from that cool, calm, collected 'centre', all illusion and distortion first reveals and then begins to unravel itself.

David, you said...

"Real power does not take any space. It is resting in itself. It invites and does not jump out. Its radiation is silent as is that of a flower: passionate stillness. Powerful yes. But it is in harmony with the surrounding. It is in harmony with Gaia and it "blends with space".

Absolutely bang on!

I remember so many times when working with the presence of "The Nine", when things got really confusing, when my soul was literally shouting out for an answer, when I felt totally alone with no person around who could understand me, yet still no answer came (from the Nine). It would have been so easy at that time to influence me in some way because there was neediness. It was what I observed as the "Jesus" moment "father why have you forsaken me?" It was that crucifixion of the shadow that needed a 'father'.

But I had understood one key thing about how they work - they speak through the synchronicity of the universe. That is their language. They work in total harmony with the Benevolent Organising Energy - the 'organic' energy - such as Gaia. When truly understood, Synchronicity is the objective language of the universe and it speaks especially strongly through nature. It speaks eloquently through the weave of the fabric of life.

So in my hour of need, when no answer came, I took that as my answer - that was the synchronicity - nothing - "no thing". So in the midst of the storm, I kept going deeper into the nothing. I went right into the eye of the storm. Yes at some point I found bliss, yet my knowing simply knew the place I was looking for was even beyond that. Bliss can be alluring - the love that so many people speak of. Yet it can so easily be tainted. I had to go even through this until I found truth. And by that I mean absolute truth, the absolute, nothing, pure presence. A non experience. Simple isness. And then from this place, ONLY from this place, authentic action arises.

Chris

Yesterday I had a discussion and multiple realizations about various things, including this one:

There is a tendency, a natural one, to build some idea around spiritual evolution, be it coming from the external source (like some belief system) or from inside, when I myself develop some form to how I am now or how my path is now.

It can be very subtle sometimes and spread on all kinds of small things, like how to process, what to do, what not to do, how I should feel so I am more spiritual, what is right and wrong for me, getting fixed on some feeling (like expansion), etc

Funnily, if, like what happened in my case, one keeps also following the soul, all these seem to be totally contradicted and shattered.

For example, I can come to that very place where I said – this is not what is good for me, or on the contrary, find myself not doing yoga in the morning until my body is one big lump of pain, and asking BUT WHY??!!

There are three possible reasons:

1. I am following the soul which liberates me from my own ‘spiritual prison’ of how should’s, like laughing with me, or in other words I try to liberate myself from the limitations I have built for myself myself!

2. Ego is keeping me away from all things that actually do serve or pushing me into where I will be inhibited and pulled back.

3. It can be both, i.e. ego high-jacking on the authentic impulse. Yoga in the morning IS what I feel to do, but I got attached to the idea, turned it to some dogma and now it is coming from the ‘wrong place’ with all the consequences.

How to know?

Feeling out: if there is tightness around any idea, like I should/shouldn’t or have to, and feel tight and anxious about not doing it, then there might be something to look at.
-----------------------------

Formless form, pathless path:

Another thing is that at some point, any form whatsoever begins to feel tightening, restricting, suffocating, feels that something is not ‘right’ there, wanting to break through it.

For example, by saying “Ah, so NOW I am real” or "this is how I am now" – this is where identification took place and what was ‘real’ a moment ago becomes ‘false’. And one of the reasons is that every moment there is different ‘real me’, as the flow changes and therefore the form changes, so what was right just a glimpse ago, now is irrelevant.

So am I holding on to some form? Again, this tightness about how I am and feeling hard to move on to the next form...

And it took me two months to finally get it, yesterday, I mean really get it! I couldn’t understand what is going on and felt totally destabilized all the time. This destabilization was the result of my clinging onto any form, ‘cause it IS spooky a bit to loose any shape whatsoever. Of course if I am clinging onto the form, which will disappear the next moment I feel like all my world is shattered every moment.

This is not the case when I accept that I don't know what will happen next, and am on alert to adapt to any form whatever be it.

Funnily, letting go the need to be authentic, true, real and the need to know what to do next, and really concentrating on the feelings actually miraculously 'solve' it all, since centering, settling and opening automatically follow, which are all that 'needed' to hit the tune.

So now the trick for me is to watch where I get tight around some ‘I-am form’ and releasing the grasp on it (if it happens) as fast as the next form is landing, which can be really quick one. Challenging, but so freeing, no form - no constriction

The same about the path. I can now see how many times I was stuck because I was determined to do things in certain way, because I had the idea about how things will work. The funny thing is that NEVER things worked in the way I have imagined and the breakthroughs somehow always feel miraculous and suddenly-jumping-from-around-the-corner! Surprise!

For me it is many times about fear (of the unknown), control (usually based on the fear) and impatience (to get whatever I think I am going to get there, which again is never what I think or imagine). I found there is a difference between intended manifestation (where things turn out just they way I imagine, which I almost never used), and evolutionary manifestation (when things on the outside change as the result of the internal shifts, and usually the changes are unexpected, even though they can be intuited in a way, but it is usually seen only after the changes took place).

So now this is the very thing for me – acceptance of formlessness and pathlessness, accomplanied by full trust... in my inner guidance.

Can I break what I think I know, what feels familiar and safe, which is what I already tasted or ‘tested’? Can I face this challenge of standing in the middle of the desert, without water, without any sign or message, ask for it and not getting any answer, desperately seeking for something I could recognize, like some big sign with “THIS WAY!” written on it? Can I have the patience to just sit in peace just where I am in total not-knowing and embrace whatever is coming and also knowing that what will come is nothing I can even imagine and the way it will come is also nothing I can even think of?

Like yesterday when I was on 3 hours trip from North Israel to the center... to the street the name of which I didn't know, to the house the number of which I didn't know, to a person, whose last name I don't know. How could I, who gets lost in meter*meter area with only one tree there, got there, RIGHT ON TIME!!! ME? I am ALWAYS late! This IS a miracle, to wander in an unknown place, with streets serpentine, without address and a map and to actually get there.

So... Can I trust myself enough to stop trying to control? Can I love myself enough to accept myself just as and where I am now?

Can I look in the eyes of the moment until I see it stretching into an eternity? AND feel comfortable within it?
Can I just wait and see what is coming in the next moment? Which transient form is it going to be and then will vanish just as fast as it appeared? Which spot will it be to place my foot at?

Well, I guess I’ll wait and see

Love,
Yulia

"So now this is the very thing for me – acceptance of formlessness and pathlessness, accomplanied by full trust... in my inner guidance."

Very beautiful!

Hullo

Recently, during these last days especially, I am dealing with some 'old, very old, nice' stuff: being laughed at, humiliated, picked on, attacked, accused of being self-centered (amusing ha?) and of much of other evil deeds, like having my own perspective and truth, tried to manipulate, reminded me of 'old' long-forgotten me and trying to put this kids size 1 clothes on my grown up 'body' in metaphorical sense (and it feels not less funny and impossible), well all these.

And I can FEEL it, I can feel how my field is being invaded, how poison is being spread in those places where I am still attached, and how it is a blank shot, it just disappears as the spot it wants to hit is not there anymore, it just flows through and out, nowhere to hold. And how the other person feels/sees it and gets confused, sometimes panics and then either steps back and keeps away (it is a bit funny when this is your own mom who doesn't get closer than 2 meters out of sudden ) OR tries desperately to hurt me anyway, to control me, but how??!!!

This is where any final traces of self-dignity begin to fade. So before all this was mainly tried to be delivered under the veil of politeness and cuteness, enrapped within the soft and flowing context, in a VERY sophisticated, smart and sly way, with sharp-teeth bites of humor and sarcasm until they see that I am hurt, drooped and disempowered... or at least until I ADMIT that I don't feel what I feel or ok, maybe COULD feel 'less', or accept that this is wrong how I feel, that my truth is not such truth for ME and that what's real for me is not that real for ME, in this very moment.

Now all this gets open and then all you see is 'aaaaaaaah!!!! I want to hurt you!!!!! I want to control you!!!!! I want to break you!!! BEND! Get into that box! BEND!!".

Maybe I would... if I could

---------------------------------

I can see all this with new eyes, how it was always there, trying to nail me to the floor to crawl and the frustration and even despair coming from me actually getting down and crawling, where I could run joyously in free self-expression without fear. I don't forget and clearly see my own role I played when all this happened, and no blame but yes 'holding to account', both myself and others, and yes 'taking my power back', which is keeping trusting my own feeling and following that, AND if expressing, then my truth (as much as I can) and standing behind it.

It shows all this biblical story about renunciation in the whole new light: for me, it is about self-renunciation and about the disempowerment and discouragement following.

I was standing there,as I was, without any attachment or ego involved, only feeling the energies, feeling Ray 1 coming and expressing, feeling my inner child healing, feeling safe and complete with myself (at that point) while all this is happening, feeling the empathy too, seeing the puzzle-pieces of my past coming together and begin to make sense, saw it all clarifying and felt the relief (well also some sadness)...

And it really happened!!! Just like I 'was promised to see', when I stand there and feeling true to my heart and how I feel, when I trust it and follow it in all these situations, the universe DOES stand by me! And then miracles happen, and all the 'fog' disappears, 'the clouds' part and the light is shining! YEEEEEY!!! I wanted to run and jump so joyous and free I felt!

Where are restrictions?!
Where are constrictions?
Where are limitations?
Where are confrontations?
Who can bug me?
Who can nag me?
Who can hurt me?
Who can stop me?
Bebebebebe big tongue out

There was nobody but me, all the way... I could burst this bubble whenever I 'wanted' to. You can't play with somebody who doesn't cooperate, so it kept going as long as I agreed to play, was myself 'interested' in it, looking for something out there. All this was illusion, but so real. What I was looking for there was right here 'under my nose'.

And the big challenge is still ahead, I can feel that it was only 'pre-training', like playing. The big test is on the way.

But I have a feeling that it will all be ok, I feel some fear (to process), but I also trust, and it is growing.

--------------------------------

Another thing landed on me that I don't really need to 'decide' or ask here what communication or environment serves me and what doesn't, I just feel it now.

I could feel it during all these interactions, the attempts to put this 'old skin' on me back again, how the swamp was trying to suck me back in. And I FELT it: THIS doesn't serve.

I don't want to hurt anybody, but THIS is when it is necessary, and I don't have any other choice left.

I am so curious and excited, like in some movie when you feel the culmination is coming...

Mamma...

So with all the 'blabla' about processing I have definitely missed one very simple way of processing - JUST DO something, don't know what, but it just comes when it comes and the way it comes

It is not the first time when I feel some fear, which shields some action to be done: like with going to my first Openhand retreat... I! Alone! With the suitcase!! On the plane!!!! Money, map, bus, how??!! Oh my Gooood!!! (you can laugh, but it was one of the scariest things I did in my life); separating from my former husband and going to leave alone, etc and today again!!!

SOOOOO scary!!! I was not sure I'll make it and even if I will then it was total mystery how. My inner child kept boohooing on me, I in general was in deep state of shock, but we all somehow got where we were supposed to get ('me' split to two clumsy Rays, which were not sure how to make it work together at the same time, inner child and inner teenager). Trust, trees and the nothingness in the background were holding all this package together and delivered it to the destination.

And guess what! Again! It was so simple, so fast and not painful at all, on the contrary very expanding and joyous, with surprising twists and turns, nothing I could expect!

And I could see again that the denial, resistance, tightening and fear around these things are what make it all tough, not the 'scary things' themselves.

Let go, ha?

Question

I have never ever seen my inner child in this way. He is not sad!!! Not hiding! Not crying!!! How can it be??!!! Happy and joyous and laughs and 'drives me crazy' a bit with his funniness.

And just like with the teenager when he came out... they are so cute (anybody else experienced them as cute during healing? :

What does it mean?

In the book these identities are described as neural webs built on the conditioning, attachments and so on. And they dissolve in the end, it says. But now I see them so joyous and clear, even pure and innocent in a way... (along with dense and 'dirty' spots to clean yet).

What does it mean? Am I experiencing them as they were 'supposed to be'? And they are not to stay? Why do they look so cute, clear and in some peaceful joy after I process something, there was some healing and they come out?
Not to mention the feeling of redemption and I also see them smiling... What is this joyous-lunatic-stuff going on here?

Thank you,
Yulia

Today I wrote two notes on fb:

1. "I am performing an experiment: measuring the denial threshold :)"

2. "Self-honesty can become this tricky: sometimes I can be so self-honest that I suspect myself in being not self-honest while I am really very self-honest, and then I ask myself whether I am being not honest about my self-dishonesty. What can one do when he is honest about the possibility of being not honest about his self-dishonesty? Well the only thing left is to do this dishonest thing and see what comes out."

And now I can see that these two are correlated and together describe very well the state I am in.

It is actually about feeling the excitation, that something 'wants' to happen, but there is confusion, not trusting, fear, doubt. I had it during my realignment, stretched it for months, and now it is here again and I have no idea what to do as if it is for the first time.

Decision making I just 'love' it!

It is like when all the spiritual 'theory' and pre-training ends and now it is time to go out and practice, the 'final' test. Feels like a balloon going to explode.

So easy to sit in some comfortable zone and say "I am ready, let's get it done!", but hehey, when finally the door opens and all is left is to step forward, suddenly the readiness appeares not so ready, and all the 'shoes' are wrong. And 'without shoes' I can't go through the door!!! And I am sure of it!

But the door is closing... Come ooooon!!!!

Why is it so hard?
Just run in there barefoot!!! Aaaaaah

Help me God...

This discussion on entities and suchlike has been invaluable to me. I found some of the discoveries I have made since the Transfiguration course in July quite humbling. I have realised how I may have let opposing energies in through 'chinks in my armour' or unhealed aspects of my energy field - not so much fears in my case, but desires - perhaps sexual, around power, a desire for 'teacherness', a desire to be 'recognised' as enlightened etc., subtle forms of glamour, etc. etc.

And I realise how beneficial it will be for me to use more discrimination when I connecting with energies outside myself in future. It has been a real eye-opener for me contemplating the fact that some of the beings that I have been communing with over some years could have been other than benevolent.

At the beginning of the Transfiguration when we were discussing the entity that Trinity, I think, had become aware of in my field, I had no awareness of it at all. And it was interesting how it was only when it had been 'exposed' as it were, that it revealed itself to my inner eye and I was able to see it. A little like Trinity's experience with the three beings while meditating (expressed earlier in this thread) once it was exposed, the veil dropped and it took on its true form. Almost like a cardboard cut-out. Insubstantial. Energetically cold. No chance whatsoever of confusing it for something benevolent now!

The extraordinary thing for me was that with this entity I could sense no emotional connection and I have not till now discovered its 'purpose' for me - or through which chink in my field it entered - if indeed it did. Does anyone have any insight on this? I would be very happy to hear it.

Tonya

Hi Tonya,

I am pleased that the sharing has been insightful. It is certainly an interesting 'mine-field' of a topic.

It looks like you answered your question yourself. The chink being the (in your words) "desires - perhaps sexual, around power, a desire for 'teacherness', a desire to be 'recognised' as enlightened etc., subtle forms of glamour..."

"It's purpose" is to to sustain itself, growing stronger by spreading its energy as people buy into it. Survival with little regard for sentient life.

Trinity
x

How interesting

During recent days I find all kinds of funny interconnectednesses between the tightnesses and pains I am experiencing for ages.

For example: the shoulders, back ribs and back pain are actually coming from the belly, particularly from the upper belly.

Lower back pain and lower abdominal pain is coming from the coccyx.

And the funniest one - head-throat-heart-pelvis hahaha I am not sure which part of the body was involved in the decision making in my life, pelvis it appears

FEAR! Everywhere. The inability to express (throat) was related to fear of survival (base), because I thought I won't be loved/supported/belong/fed if I speak the truth. And the pressure in the head - moving to the head from the heart, again, fear to get hurt, and therefore inability to open and feel plus not trusting my instincts, intuition and feelings, shutting them down (base and heart) and relying on the head (at least as a rationalization tool).

So it is another evidence how if I don't get fixed on some certain tightness and releasing it, but only allow it, feel it, it can actually lead me someplace else, to guide me and show me the bigger picture.

Hi Trinity

Thank you for your insight on this. I am interested to explore how this entity became attached to my field and I will continue my own inner explorations. You (or was it Chris?) said at Transfiguration that it had been there 'for some time'. If you feel to share anything around this I would be glad to hear it.

Also I am keen to hear how you experienced it. Did you or Chris 'suffer' at its hands, for instance? Respect that this might not be the place for this discussion and if so, am happy to continue 'elsewhere'. Am keen to understand.

Tonya

I think the thing to grasp is that the surrounding field is awash with Opposing Consciousness. Sometimes a single entity might lodge within our field and be drawing energy off a particular karmic blockage. So we might be acting in a non-authentic way which subconsciously makes us feel uncomfortable in some way - or we put on some kind of facade.

This creates a polarity inside of 'true' and 'false'. Maintaining some kind of false front requires energy and that energy then gets dissipated into our field by our own actions. This is what 'feeds' the entity.

What I observed with you was that a karmic blockage from a past life where you were unable to speak in some way (I sensed being strangled) caused you to feel to project a 'warrior' kind of false rightness into the group.

Yes there's a truth at the core of it - feeling our own empowerment. But its not empowerment over. True power does not come by the projection of energy - even a smiling, loving, happy one. True power is a totally vulnerable transparency. To be able to be trampled on like a flower and yet still release scent onto the boots that have trampled you.

So if there's a subtle need to fill the space with something, then this is exactly the kind of action that can draw in Opposing Consciousness.

Yes I'm very sensitive - aware - of this energy (Trinity too) but we certainly don't suffer any more. But we do observe the limiting effects that energy can have on a group and so we do what we feel is appropriate to deal with it.

Chris

Thanks Chris. This is helpful. And yes, I am aware of the relationship with 'suffering'(that's why I put the word 'suffer' in speech marks!!)Smile

Tonya

To be honest Tonya I don't really feel like you listen.

Your response to Chris is classic ending with an
"And yes! I already knew that". Why would people engage if they don't feel your openess?

You always seem to say 'that is helpful' - but honestly, how is it helpful?

You are asking for the truth, yet are you actually truly OPEN to the truth on a soul level? I am not talking about clever articulation and ego-led comprehension. I am not asking a 'spiritual identity' for the 'spiritually correct' intellectual answer.

I am talking about whether or not you are willing to go as deep as it takes to unveil the authenticity of your soul. Anything else is just window dressing.

Trinity

For me sometimes I am willing, but feel still not ready, as if some time is necessary to deal with it.

So I can ask the question, because I am willing, get an answer, feel "Wow, this is challenging!!!!" And it might take some time until I am able to actually digest and do the 'right' thing, i.e. what feels right for me.

And sometimes the answer will invoke some inner exploration, is that right for me? And then it might take some time.

And if the subject is really sensitive, then ego pulls some protecting shield on, but what it means really is that the 'vulnerable spot' is exposed, otherwise why to put the armor on for?

I see in it just some last attempts to cover the 'spot', I recognize it from my own attempts right now, but it can't last too long. I see in them actually a sign of a coming 'end'.

And also many times I am embarrassed I asked because after getting an answer, I can see that I knew it, but was denying it or confused, or self-shielding, and just needed some external 'push'.

The question is: am I aware I am trying to shield myself or not?

And the last one: it is a person's choice after all what to do with the shared info, view, tip, advice, etc...

I am learning how not to 'force the water get into the cup", it is frustrating sometimes to see how people are stuck in some place and all is needed is just one step, just to dare and jump, but they won't and they keep sitting there in misery, seemingly caught, trapped by themselves. But then I remember how I do the same so many times. How I could 'solve it' in one minute, but stretch it for days or weeks... So I can understand them...

And even so, if I feel like some more intense push is needed, then I will push 'unceremoniously'...

I listened yesterday to adyashanti's 15 minutes talk about spiritual limbo. It was very helpful, so I share here the main point and add some points of my own:

He was talking about running away from suffering in spirituality and therefore getting entrapped and being kept 'in limbo'.

But in general, tt can be both running away from whatever I currently don't like, (like inauthenticity, or feeling uncomfortable, not knowing, etc); or it can be running after something (enlightenment, spirituality...) or wanting to go/get somewhere or to some feeling (like rest, home, belong, in bliss etc).

Both are the inhibitors of the evolution and cause me to get into the 'ego-loop'. I can't get out of the current state because I am entrapping myself within it by wanting to get out of it.

So what happens is that 'the ego wants to get rid of the ego", and the loop is sealed.

Also, I am not accepting the moment as it is, I am not living this moment, but looking at the future, a more desirable, more spiritual, less ego-led, etc So instead of resting in my awareness, just being present here and now, I am getting uncentered and 'leaning forward' away from undesirable state or towards some more desirable one. Once uncentered, I also become a great target for OC, since I am not in my body now, and things get 'tougher'.

I am now even more inhibited, distracted and off the track.

Paradoxically, if staying in the very moment as it is, feeling all these feelings and embracing them, and accepting this "nothing to do", "nowhere to go" (which is challenging), the opening is happening on its own, and then something happens, you actually "do something" and "go somewhere" (even if you don't move on the external)

So another thing I am really now exploring is how to just 'walk'. Why can't I just live, why do I have to go somewhere all the time?! No intent, no goal, no result, just free exploration of the moment. So simple...

Yesterday I have tasted it really, just walking and it was incredible!

So if you got stuck in spiritual limbo? It feels like you don't move, and nothing is happening, and you desperately trying to get out of there?

There is nothing to worry about, it is normal Just sit there comfortably and see what happens next.

Here I quote some crazy character I got acquainted with yesterday:

"...It seems that nothing has changed... Look more sharp-sightedly... because the road appears under the feet of the walking." Mr. Freeman

I was brought to something called Gidepark, some Russian-speaking social net, and right away hit some interesting posts and comments talking about globalization, solutions to the current situation, etc.

But very soon I also met the other side, the dark side, which made me remember how tough, dark, arrogant and angry many Russian people are. It is really nothing like any kind of 'toughness' I met here in Israel, where most people are open and friendly, or like in the English-speaking world, where you 'meet' all kinds of negativity. But this...

It is as if all this history turned people into some totally unhuman creatures, full of hatred, pessimism and I don't know... There a sense of a 'nation of victims' with all the possible consequences

All this is pushing all kinds of buttons, so I keep exploring, but AAHAHAUCH! :'(

So if anybody else out there is experiencing something like this - criticism, rejection, projection, on blogs, sites or wherever, what I find now is that the biggest test is:

Am I sharing and get attached to it? Is it me now? Do I expect some specific response/reaction? Where do I get hurt? tight?

It becomes a really good exercise to become nothing, and works on this old thing of mine: low self-esteem, feeling stupid and ridiculous; that I can't talk or express myself, because whatever I do is ridiculous and not good enough, and there are better/smarter/wiser/righter people who know and I don't. All this is spotlighted there, and I can see where it is coming from in this lifetime, at least AAAHAHAAAUCH :'(

This system was and is so tough!!! And I can see how the machine is still rolling there. USSR has crumbled 10 years ago, but it is still there!!!

And in general, I feel like every day I am in the battle. I am attacked from all possible directions, and everything is happening so fast.

I don't want to sound dependent, but this site and some connections with people here sometimes are those that make me through the day.

And when Chris has wrote about the World War 3 in his comment, I just knew exactly what he was talking about.

So hard... but I am not alone...

And I wanted to add, that there is really no other place like here, on this site, where I feel I can be myself and express myself, with errors, mistakes, delusions, whatever, I just feel supported and home.

Thank you guys, everybody here.

Hmmmm

I've ran into this video, rather metaphorical for me, and accompanied by such beautiful and deeply moving music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APoo3LVlHDc

Battle - yes, but also light-heartedness, playfullness, humanness, star-peopleness and grace

I am having now some repetitive cycle, which I can't crack, yet.
And while I have many insights landing on me, which I will share here, there is something I can't see so well... Anyway, as I said, I am now involved in some Russian-speaking social net, and I can’t believe it!!! I didn’t want to communicate with Russian people for years, and now I see why. This is one of the most hostile, most dense internet environments you can imagine, people start from talking about “the moon” and end up with calling each other names, and I am talking about a space, which was meant for intelligent and evolved people. So much negativity! So there I can see this mentality, and I feel this fear, as if I feel too stupid and illiterate to say or write my mind, because I will be attacked, and I am attacked. I was accused of such funny things as: “this is not your real name and there are 2-3 people writing it”, can you imagine?

So I couldn’t get what on earth am I doing there?! Why?
And then there were some landings:

1. Who is sharing? If I am the tool in the hands of the universe, then what do I have to fear of? And then where is my trust that I am doing the right thing and will be ‘supported’, which is given exactly what I need to evolve, and to benefit to myself and all?

2. If I feel vulnerable to any external happenings, then I am not vulnerable enough to my soul.

3. I discovered how I don’t do anything, nothing! Words just come and I see the unbelievable effect they do. It feels like “aikido”, using the negative energy of the “opponent” to make ‘himself’ fall, because I step out of the way, they see they can’t hurt me. And they have nobody to blame, because I myself didn’t attack them. Wow. And now I see what it means on my inner work: how can I use this technique with my inner opposition (and OC) – spiritual aikido

4. I am under the spotlight, and this is tough. I mean, that I have all my stuff amplified and exposed, and it is not a great view. I saw there many things in me I didn’t notice, and now that I see them I don’t understand how could I had missed them?!

5. I cry a lot, because it seems that everything is split, and conflicting, and confronting, like some war. And then I see the trees, the sky and I cry and cry… I feel very sad.

6. This reconnection to my roots here in this lifetime – the soviet imprint, this is… “horrible”, I mean I don’t see anything like that around me and in me. This is darkness in its full potential, what it did to people and to me, or should I say I couldn’t find a better way to experience suppression, violence, hatred, misery and collective depression… and at the same time such a depth, sincerity, soulfulness and humanity. This place, USSR is a total grotesque of polarity. And I can observe all this in me, I mean I feel these qualities within me, as if I can be like any of these, even the most disgusting and awful forms, just as the most high-minded.

7. I can feel the effect of the environment, with whom to talk, to discuss, what to read, etc. These energies there… well, not for the heart-fainted. And I can feel how I can dive into this negativity and then flow through this and up, through my stuff.

So here I got confused: is that OC? That is bringing me to this place, where I am awash with negativity? Or am I in the right place, and get to know my strength in my surrender to my soul in such extreme conditions? And then why this deep sadness? Even when I am joyous, I am still crying of sadness. It is even not only about myself, but about the people there. What am I really seeing there, except my own tightness? Do I miss something?

And the last one: this ego I feel, that is trying to hold on to everything, that is proud about itself, haha!!! THIS is what I can do now! And that gets hurt when it is humiliated by this ‘not illiterate’/smart/properly dressed/Russian/Jewish/spiritual/me enough I really feel that there is nothing I can do about it, but it also seems I become more tough, more rough, as if being harsh with a certain kind of people can definitely come into the picture, and it totally doesn’t look "spiritually" to me (the spiritual identity?).

So by looking at your example, Chris, I can see the softness in your way of dealing with whatever it is you are dealing with, but I feel as if sometimes I take some very not “soft” form. Is it the mirroring? I mean I mirror their own harshness? Do I just feel their stuff? Or do I have it in me? – my distortion? I am confused a bit. Not that it is important, I don’t identify in any case.

Thanks

I all the time think I have an entity

I would like to humbly ask whether the "thought of the day" and the quotes appearing on the home page are randomized or selected, because they always answer my questions

...

I anyway see it as an answer from the universe and synchronicity, but there is this funnily and "curiously" bugging "question", that I finally decided to ask

...I am having now. Or 'should' I say challenging?

It feels like a balloon that is going to explode, while I am very calm in the background, watching myself and my 'big' ego and totally powerless to do anything about it, but watch and accept. I feel horrible resistance of some part of me, tightness in the chest, pride and more huge than ever neediness attacks... as if they got bared. And then I have this frustration, as if I feel 'tired' of all this. This is when non-identification became a totally inevitable state, otherwise I don't know how I would function like this. And I ask for help a lot.

Here it is amazing how anytime I ask I get answered, I mean, the moment I connect - I feel the influx and a 'letting go'. Like this action of asking for help automatically opens me and I surrender without surrendering (if it makes sense)

Also I am experiencing now is not-understanding of anything that is going on with me with the mind, as if the 'usual' mind switched off (sometimes it switches on back, but not for too long), stopped to try even to grasp, and I 'think' more somewhere from the "spine" (this is how it feels). But also the ego is now coming from the spine, rather then confusing me with the mind chatter (subconsciousness?).

Till recently, when I was connecting through the crown, I felt the 'influx' only through the spine till coccyx, and now it is spreading to arms and legs, and I can feel where it gets more restricted, 'strangled', like the area around chest, solar plexus, throat, and also base and sacral are contracted. I named them all, ha? And also I feel the interconnectedness between the chakras. For example, I can feel the tightness in the base, but when I open the crown, it opens on its own...

And the last one: with all these I am interacting with many people now (via internet), and it's a flood, I get dozens of messages and comments and... I mean I have only one body, 2 eyes, 2 hands, etc etc and I also don't see what is going on. Why? Is it my ego in its glory? Or is that that I manage to bring the message even through all my 'mess'? (this is more internal question, not from the mind, I am trying to see what are the motivations and why these 'events'), but in the meantime everything is blurred, so I go on and let the time do the job too...

...

Another miracle happened in my life...

Some guy from South Africa contacted me a couple of weeks ago, who is a football players agent living and working in Israel. In the beginning I was like: what might we have in common?? But it felt like meeting him? So I did today, and... I am overwhelmed!

How amazing it is, to meet a person with absolutely different origins, from totally different culture, entirely different region of interest and talk to him as if we were always friends, and perfectly understand each other!

And he brought so many wonderful messages for me, with perfect timing! We talked about so many things, but here I am summarizing some of them into these approximate quotes:

----------------

About fear: "I am afraid sometimes, but then I just believe and trust and do what I feel...

Following the heart with work and money: "I just believe that if I follow and do what I love, then it will be fine. Today I got money for doing what I love, what feels right, and tomorrow I lose money and it is allright too. I know I need it to live in this world, but to do what feels right is what's important for me..."
(his personal story is very inspiring, how he left home very young and made his way to where he is now)

About work: "I don't understand this "I'm your boss" thing. Why? You give me money and I am giving you my energy. It's an exchange. We are the same, we are even... Nobody can tell me what to do. Nobody is my boss, only 'God' is my boss (laughing)..."

Interaction with people: "I can't tell others what to do, but I can tell when somebody does something that doesn't feel right to me. "You can do what you want, but it just doesn't work with me this way."..."

About football and audience: "So people are shouting, they are dissapointed, unhappy, excited, whatever with what's going on, and there is all this noise. But a player is busy with and focused on what's going on in the field, he is not listening to what people are shouting..." ( a nice metaphore )

And so on, in this 'mood'. Whatever he said felt just so resonating. Isn't it amazing???!!! How much we can learn from just living and doing whatever we are doing?

The overall effect of our conversation on me was just such an empowerment! My fears looked funny on the background of his attitude to life and survival, and then I just felt trust welling up in me. And I felt such warmth, kindness, softness coming from this man that 'fell on me from the sky' - a gift from the universe during these challenging times I am going through now.

Thank you! :')

I so like breaking the rules So here, part 5, breaking the sequence, because it feels like...

There were many gifts - working with energies, my own field, centering, discovering my abilities and also I just had a great time there...

For example, we were measuring my pulse with some machine (bio-feedback?, I forgot), and checking it when I was experiencing things, was silent, talking and being put under pressure, for example, by certain questions, while being centered or not. And it was amazing to see how different it was, the diagrams...

It was there where I learned so much about fields interactions, and how it is to stay in my field, my space and not invade into somebody else's space by thinking, wanting/needing/expecting something, etc... by just owning my own experience...

-------------------

But one of the biggest gifts was my final realisation that...

Yes, I am not what I used to think I am, but I am not the soul either!

How?
During my stay there I was working with somebody, who had a trouble to get into the body, he had an activation without transfiguring, as I later found out, so he was kicked out of his body and just won't really land...

So I intuitively, under my higher guidance, found myself connecting to his soul and dragging it into his body, but there was a huge resistance on his part (not on the purpose or by decision, it's just the way it goes, there's some 'friction' between the body and its vibration and the soul infusing), it was very hard!

So at some point I felt that what needs to be done is me bringing his soul into my own body, maybe I still was working with his, but this is how I felt. I was rather overwhelmed on the background and didn't really understand what I was doing (the better it went, no mind-led intentions)

But what I felt is that his soul is getting into my body, and at some point I didn't feel my soul with its characteristics in my body, but his, and felt like being his soul in my body. So we looked around (it was very weird, but amazing experience), it was very numb, we moved some arms, then I connected to Earth, and this soul as if began to 'see' colors, feel something through the body. And then it took off

After it was finished, my earlier suspicions that I am not the soul were proved on the spot, and later supported by synchronistic pieces of information from other people landing on me, including Chris.

So... who am I then?

See Part 10 when it comes...

I just can't stop wonder about all this reality I am experiencing now, or should I say, I am aware I am experiencing now...

I just remember how I used to be, how I used to think what real is, even that I felt that it was all wrong, false, a lie, but still, I was so programmed to think what rational and sane is...

And now...

I am 'talking' to trees, I am 'talking' to Earth, I can jump back 'home' here and there, I am experiencing 'creatures' getting into my field... Am I nuts? So here many will say: you can't prove that, this is just your imagination. Okaaaay.

How about people? They can talk, give feedback... So WOW! This is just amazing! I am a scientist, still, and I experimented with it in past, and within reasonable error, coming from the human factor heeheehee, it is just as real as me experiencing the physical contact!!!

And now every time I am experiencing this way of communication, when no space limitations can stand on the way, I am just left with mouth open and full of joy and wonder.

I can hug my friends energetically, while being miles and miles away from them, and they feel it!!!

So am I nuts?

---------------------------

But another interesting thing, I talked about it yesterday with a friend, that I can really understand what is so attractive about this physical experience, comparing it to the energetic one. It is very different from just being a 'field'!

So yes, living in higher dimensions, as my memories feel like, is so free, unrestricted, full, harmonious, wavy, yes, no any problems with you misunderstanding anybody, yep, I don't recall any pain, any problems at all really, no problems!

BUT!
This body!!!! Wow!!! Nothing compares to experiencing the world through it! Such a gift!

It is just some inconceivably complex, genious, amazing structure, machine, which receives signals, translates them, then passes them to the consciousness and then up up... and vice versa, receives from up-up translates, and expresses it through motion, noise. Just the feelings themselves - WOW!

I used to think it is a condemnation to put a creature into this world, it is hell! But now?! No way!!!

So before going to sleep, I wrote myself a big note and put it where I can see it:

Yes, you have limited degrees of freedom But it's just for such short period of time! It's just a fast trip in an amazing place to explore and experience. And the challenges - like the challenges of the trek in a jungle or climbing a mountain. It's part of the fun!!! Part of the adventure! Welcome to Earth and enjoy your stay, Bon appetite

Completely nuts!

I am a little sad!

Because I feel that most of people around are actually not talking to me anymore, but to themselves! About themselves!

And the misunderstanding... Wow! Nothing compares to it. It's like I am saying: tomato, and they say, what do you mean?!!! Are you crazy?! But I didn't say anything, I just called a tomato "tomato" :S I am a bit lost in this kind of twist.

In addition, all their stuff is exposed and spot-lighted like in the museum of human weaknesses. I kind of still didn't learn how to watch it and hold the space right away I spotted I just mirrored, in a situation I didn't 'intend' to be the mirror at all at, and wasn't ready for it.

So now, I guess, it's the period of really getting used to it, to the surprises. And also to being even more alone and misunderstood, than before. I will even not mention the aggression and attacks, the absurd and the irony there.

Like somebody told me I am dreaming, I am full of illusions and have no idea about how the world is, for example. It's just funny!!! But also so sad and I felt quite overwhelmed. Only after I could see that there is a mirroring for me too.

And things of this kind... Quite challenging, now that it became really intense.

What I do:

*the most important thing for me - is to spot the mirroring, watching, even if I lose it (like getting hurt and defensive), then I am watching myself losing it, no judgment

*keep it to the feelings, and allowing the awareness to scan what is going on, including my own responses

*and to get used to the idea, that it is actually all the time, because till now I felt it happening occassionally, but now I am really getting into it, everything is the mirror, all the time.

Crazy, but also amazing!

...

Everything is the mirror - all the time. Absolutely!

Sometimes when I see the mirror, it makes me wonder about myself

When I told that I am 'this' or 'that', it often simply passes me by as 'someone else's opinion'.

BUT when I see the reflecting around me in everything, I know I am seeing myself.

That's all I have to say about your comment!
And also <3

Seems like fear is a big and very important part of my and many others' evolution. At the moment I can feel fear concerning several things...

I felt this question coming and then it just hit me:

Where is that line between non-identification, dissolving, suppressing and denial?

It feels, that if I am not attentive enough, this line can be so easily crossed!

And then I found that with so many things I am just afraid, observing and 'processing' by non-identification. But hey!!! Maybe I just gotta DO SOMETHING actually!!

And these words today, from Chris's comment:
"Now there's one vitally important thing to remember about walking the spiritual path... Ultimately, it's not about what we actually do in the outer world that really counts. What really matters is how do the choices we make cause energy to shift within us? People make choices and then judge the outcome of them by their effect in the outer world. Instead it is their effect in the inner world that counts..." rang the bell.

There is a tendency for me to get caught in a virtual spiritual world, having nothing to do with the world outside, ok, I am processing now... n'all that.

So the question is now, ok, I am afraid to get rid of my childhood photos, for example. The moment I am thinking about it - I start crying, and I know exactly where it is coming from, but can't tear/burn/throw away. Maybe through actually doing that I can process it all better than anything else. It is just an example.

But then how do I know I am not imposing it? How do I know I am not just performing some inauthentic action, trying to make things go faster, struggling to achieve some result, a relief? Maybe I should really get ok with it: ok, I am afraid...

The answer then is just to feel it out, as usually! No recipes, rules and rigid paths. Feel, feel, feel... and being alert and ready to face my own weakness, coming from behind any 'corner', SURPRISE!!!

But the blind spots...hmmm
Somebody's view here is highly welcome!!!

Hi Yulia,

Yes indeed, a really deep contemplation - I've commented on it under our current blog... Sailing Home

Chris

I have an upwelling... of a truly deep gratitude and joy!

I shift, become 'alone', more and more keeping it to myself, the questions, the responsibility, the trust...

And as I feel more and more self-sufficient, and empowered, and my relation to this website and people here changes all the time, I feel more and more don't belong to anything or anybody, just me and me, on my own, whilst feeling connected to everything more and more.

But one thing doesn't change: my appreciation and gratitude for this website, for the information and experiences shared here, for people and their comments, sharings and just their existence, for a place for me to express, the only place at the moment where there's a resonance with my perception and way of evolution, for not needing to invent any new names for what I feel... for an understanding beyond words... for the retreats and courses, friends I could only dream of, which is more correct to say a real family!!! to which I can allow myself not to be attached, and the greater my love is! and the more free I feel!

So thank you!!!
Everybody here!!!
And the universe for this gift!

With loads of love!!!
Yulia
<3

PS: it brought me to check when I actually landed here, it was on the 08 Oct 2009! And I feel like really celebrating it!!!

Yes, each of us is alone Yulia..... with everyone!

Great to have you on board.

Chris

It is funny how my perception and understanding is changing all the time.

I am now at the crossroad from not complete self-honesty to a complete self-honesty, I feel...

I feel I was and still am trying to prevent myself from getting lost in the 'drama', in what is going on, and it was important for that period of my evolution, but at some point it began to feel like dissolving, not really experiencing what's going on.

And here again, the spiritual identity has shown its face: it is not spiritual to feel/look/behave this and that way...

Hmmmm

So now I feel some flip going on. Yes getting very much lost in the drama, but not for the sake of making this drama real, but with presence, and for the sake of finding out something about myself there, who I am or who I am not. For me, this now makes the whole difference.

So now, when dissolving the dissolver I am practicing this edge of getting totally 'lost', which is totally accepting the experience as it is, being in it full on, but yet, not losing the presence. This one is a bit tougher than the other option - dissolving what seems not fitting into my perception, the desirable 'me'.

I feel like I am now dealing with the next level of challenge...

Rhaaaa, just how challenging is that! How do you do this??!! I guess I'll find out...

Well, I am processing karma every day, it seems... What an experience. If somebody told me I am capable to bear and handle such a thing even half a year ago, I would say NO WAY, MAN!!!! But now, it feels like just some challenging but exciting experience, unbelievably amazing in its intensity and effect!

It is even more interesting with the identities still being here, feels like walking on the edge, 'blade-runner' haha

So, what I saw till now, is that there are two poles in karma. What happened to me is that I was a victim in one of the lives and was killed, but then I incarnated as a totally violent and cruel killing now creature, and felt this power over people... The funny thing is that I died the same way in both stories And the other funny thing was the realisation that this 'violence' was just a defense, it was an inversion of being a victim!

And then I just understood so many things that happened to me in this life, how confusing it was, to feel two contradicting, opposite feelings at the same time, it drove me crazy...

So, it seems, that the 'experience' itself can happen in one of the two opposite ways. It is the same, but split to two poles, two opposites.

The other way to put it, is that the 'golden middle point' between the two polarities is found by experiencing them both, and then out of these finding a place where nothing is happening, or they both are happening, just a pure experience, without polarities.

Then any polar experiences, when converging to this middle point, feel the same, just presence...

Does it make any sense?

(still finding hard to put things into words...)

Wow, just had a vision of a sphere... like a center and a spreading in infinite number of lines around the center, creating a sphere... and then if I take one diameter, then it spreads in two directions, creating two poles from the center... Infinite number of possible experiences all having the same cross-point - the center of the sphere... hmmmm

Hullo!

I am going through some really interesting times here.

1) First of all, I have my hair cut https://picasaweb.google.com/yulia.slogin/Hairgone#

And the bald area there on the back of my head, behind the left ear... In the beginning I was wondering, what is this thing about? Why specifically in that area? But when I was told I have a baby fluff there beginning to grow, I just felt joy for some reason, not because the hair is growing back, but more because of these words: "baby fluff" I felt there's something symbolic in it. Heeey! I have a baby fluff, guys!!

And with this new hair I feel so different! Much more joyous, playful, somehow more empowered, confident. Interesting how such thing can affect the feelings and self-perception. And I thought I was going to cut it because of the intense hair loss... Surspriiiise, as usually.

2) I am going to move out of my little house (domik) soon. Today I've met people, who are going to take care of the domik after me. I feel both sad and happily excited, something is shifting...

3) I don't know anything and feel totally and absolutely comfortable and peaceful with it. I can feel and see things shaping around, and it all goes really smoothly. I can say that I don't do anything. It is just happening.

4) Till now I was separated from my former husband, and now it looks like it is time to divorce, it feels really natural.

5) I still can't and don't work, and still have some attachment, hard to imagine I might be not Phd student in physical chemistry. And I love science! I really do. So I was sad, but then realised: who is standing on my way to keep doing it, without some place and demands? I can do it my own way, freely, if I feel like. And who knows? Maybe my romance with the uni is not over yet. And how am I going to make a living if I lose the scholarship? I don't know, and somehow really don't have to. There's a question, but I am calm and relaxed.

6) I had some huge shifts lately, feel like entirely another... being, but I don't understand what it is. I again feel spread on 3 gateways, 3d,4th and 5th. I process karma every day and learn how to express at the same time, meet 'old' patterns, people. Interesting. I'll ask some questions in the next comment, separately.

7) I have a close friend, and it is really interesting, feels familiar, but so different! It is like feeling all those feelings I used to feel, but in a more clear, maybe even 'innocent' way. Even that it is weird, how flirting, for example, can be innocent. It appears, it can.

Well,that's the summary, more or less.
I have some questions...

This days I question my self-honesty more than ever, in a constructive way.

Where I am at: I feel really different now. More free, open, happy, clear, and the pressure and the pain in my chest are gone, and are coming back only when I am processing some karma, or when it gets activated. It feels really easy.

I feel like I am becoming more of what I was before I even started, only that now I am processing karma, feel really calm and don't care so much about whatever is happening to me, more aware (but weirdly not trying to be aware anymore) and I don't know, feels like really playing with it all, like it's not serious :S but somehow very important hahaha

1st ? With all this I feel as if I "avoid" the connection, the infusion into the body, because then I feel stuff, all kinds of intense sensations in the body, like really hot heat waves in my belly, some spreading in my legs, and the heart-opening was and is one of the most challenging.

And also sometimes going around with karma and entities for days, like not hurrying to process, until I am brought to really work with it, i.e. when it is activating big time. I am not after it anymore. But then is there a chance that I am running away from it?

Could it be because of the "volume"? Because I'm not pushing anymore? Or am I avoiding it, stretching, pushing it away?

2nd ? Why does it feel like I am resting, as if going back to just conventional living? Don't really care about any 'spiritual evolution', just feel some subtle 'worry', that I am stuck and it makes me ready to act the moment I feel something is to be done? Weird contradicted feelings

Is it because I am cracking this spiritual identity, which seems to be necessary for some period of the evolution?

What I mean to say, if I feel so settled and calm, why then is it still so hard to really get into the body and there is still this worrying?

3d question How do I know I am not totally lost now, that it is not a trap, this comfy place I am at? Is it possible to get to such place? And then which part of me is worrying about all this?

What are these?
Thanks!

Hi Yulia

Am relatively new on the site.Have read some of your postings over the past 6 weeks-not all of them as you have written extensively.
I am sure that Chris will assist you in the processing stuff but I feel moved to let you know how couragous you are and how even though I dont know you I feel like holding you and telling you to be gentle and loving to yourself.
I sense that you have had a tough life and perhaps you may be taking for granted the effect this may have had on your body/mind and especially your emotional body.
Yulia, Thank you for being you. You have touched my heart.

Warmest wishes and Hugs

Breda

Wow!
Thank you, Breda, for your kind and warm words!
I feel really loved by the universe lately, expressed in so many ways, and you are such a great expression of this love, and so surprising!

And funnily, I feel like writing you just the same you wrote to me

Am I lost in mirror-land? Hahaha

What I want to say is that I feel really touched by your words, and that I thank you for being you too! <3

Big hug,
Yulia

Hi Yulia,

What's really wonderful in what you write, is that it is really clear you have moved to a way of living which is all about self-realisation. As you know, many people suppress their true feelings (at least beyond basic low level things like I'm hungry, cold, tired, happy etc etc).

So now feeling is leading the show. And yes it can be a bumpy ride - I think Breda offered an important insight in these words...

"I sense that you have had a tough life and perhaps you may be taking for granted the effect this may have had on your body/mind and especially your emotional body."

I concur, and I'm sure you recognise the 'bumpy' impact of this yourself.

In your final question you ask...

"How do I know I am not totally lost now, that it is not a trap, this comfy place I am at? Is it possible to get to such place? And then which part of me is worrying about all this?"

I'd say in the particular situation you describe, there's still identification with the experience going on. There is no place to be. There is no place to rest. There is no place to be lost, or even found. The key is to keep dropping into presence. It's a state that never changes, never goes away. And it 'feels' totally normal. Not 'spiritual' at all, not anything. Just is.

It's there in the background of every experience all the time. That's the place to be and to come from. That's the only reality and the only real truth. Everything else is a transient experience - to be embraced and lived yes, but FROM your true 'home', from presence.

I sense as the waves of processing begin to calm down, you're connecting with this place more and more. Yet there's a subtle something that's not quite content with it. Like there's a need to be moving into it or away from it. Remember these are simply experiences.

So I'd say that right now, especially in those times of 'normality', don't purposefully look for the 'big experience'. Instead, work to totally accept where you're at. Then you may dissolve that bit which owns the normality and is either worried about it or wants it to be something else.

Chris

It is extremely overwhelming, that reading your comment feels really different too. It is like every word makes some effect, both yesterday, when I was reading it for the first time, and today too. Wow.

Now I'm learning to read, I guess.

It's everywhere, ha?

Hello, everybody

Seems like not moving at all, but there are shifts all the time, things get a bit "hot" here, feels like something is accumulating, time to act! Challenging very much

Ok, I am very excited and got a permission to FEEL excited, or more correct to say "passionate"!

Funny development:

I feel totally ordinary, no spirituality, no anything, just live, and everything is very serious, but at the same time, somehow, really funny, like some crazy game. I now really begin to understand all these 'cliches'. Cliche, ah? Go realise it!

And only today, during my conversation with a "funny" friend, I got it: I feel totally ordinary, as if I went back to just you know, get up in the morning, brush my teeth, etc etc, but I and my life is definitely don't look like ordinary at all:

Moving back with an ex-husband, while beginning to arrange the divorce Starting to work in the university again, while preparing to leave

Hahaha!
Absolutely ordinary and don't make any sense!!!!

And also I so ordinarily process karma, work with entities and contact people telepathically all around the world

And today - it is the "logic" day, or the Great Logic Failure Day! AMEN!

It began with somebody claiming that my logic doesn't rock at all, and I am a failure in this sense. I thought: interesting, 'cause both my supervisors say I am a logic genius. Ok.

So, when does my logic fail? When I use it to "prove" something, that a person doesn't want to be proved
Yey!

All these made me see: Okaaaay, part of the deal of going "back" to the world with my new ways is to deal with these kind of things. I have noticed I don't make sense to people anymore.

And so I celebrate! Thank you, the offender, who gave me D in logics today, you've made me realise how far I went into myself, and I hope I soon won't make any sense at all!!! to anybody, but myself and my feelings.

Either I am totally, completely and "hopelessly" lost, or I am really sitting on the top of the volcano, i.e. in the "right" place.

If it's the first one, then I am deeply sank down in avoidance, subtle but enormously strong resistance and am asleep, while being not sure whether I am awake or asleep.

If this is the second option - then I am deserted by God, and left to rot in my weakness.

And it is not the problem of connection, I can connect, but I won't! Then it is me, who deserted me. And it doesn't feel like I want to do anything at all about it. The days of efforting and trying to do anything about anything at all are gone. But what now? Nothing is happening. I am on stand by.

So IF it IS a place to be at, then it is coming, the big boom, because my patience is running out! It is not for too long that I will be able to sit like this. I can't!!! Help me God...

Hi Yulia,

You say...

The days of efforting and trying to do anything about anything at all are gone.

Immediately you then ask...

But what now? Nothing is happening. I am on stand by.

Can you see the conflict in the two? I'd say you're 'deserted by God' because at some level you've asked to drop deeper into the void of nothingness. And as you do, I'd say there's still something of the-small-you hanging on.

I'd say time to go deeper still.

Chris

Aha,
I guess the question - "but how?" is the funniest to ask in these circumstances...

I feel that everything I do is "wrong", but don't feel like doing anything else. So I just wait to see what will happen. I just don't feel I can hold for too much longer, frustrated, in a very calm way.

It is nothing like what the inner work used to be. I feel I don't know anything anymore. Disarmed. But somehow still resisting.

Ok, I'll just let it all happen and see what's there.

Thank you!!!

The key is to feel more, be more still, quieter. Explore more deeply. Surrender to the moment more and more until there is no resistance of it. Let every question dissolve except "what is really real now?"

Chris

This get's much easier.
The deeper we go the more we realise the only way to know everything is to know nothing. To be at peace with that is a great liberation.

Landed!!!!
Thank you!
Frieeeends!!!!

<3 <3 <3

Nowadays I have two questions:
1. Am I brave enough?
2. Do I really want the truth, whatever it is?
3. Do I have a choice?
4. Am I going to survive it? hhhh

Funnily, these are not there for any answers, and are not accompanied by any worry, but are just flying in the air, just like all the rest... I begin to get used to this feeling. It wouldn't surprise me if I myself would lift and fly in the air...

Nothing I could even think of is happening (internally)... Nothing I could foresee or expect. If I try to describe it, then all I can do is drop some incoherent words, like: indifference, bitter laughter, gratitude, at odds, worry, peace, uncertainty, question, hopelessness, trust, expansion, connection, loneliness, pain, darkness, anger, despair, tired, lightness, alive, but not really...

In short, it's a mess, enveloped in total calmness. Sometimes they all coexist in the same moment, or switching very rapidly. And they all are very intense. I am totally out of order, dysfunctional these days. And I don't want to boohoo, but things get really tough, almost unbearable (with processing).

I guess, it is "normal" for somebody falling down the rabbit hole

Just wanted to share it, in case anybody else ever feels like that. It IS horrible, indeed, but you care less and less, so no worry!

I know what you are talking about so well.

is not enough... Hahahaha (joking)

It is a big comfort knowing you're not alone, even when feeling totally alone

Hello

I wanted to ask whether an enlightened being can experience a sense of being really really tired and wanting to retire, go to some nice Hawaiirus place in some... I don't know... highly high-vibrational place....

What I mean to say, in a more serious way, is the following:

I feel tired and VERY old since I can remember myself, even as a child. And now, while feeling really excited, involved, curious, grateful and all those things, I also feel even more old and tired.

And I have these "strange" "what on earth (heehee) am I doing in this place?" feeling and yearning for peace, quiet, harmony... and... well rest. I really think that the word "retirement" suits best here. I'm too old for this "action movie"

Is it something that can be authentic or is it purely ego-driven sensation?

(I just thought that it could be just a "typical" yearning to go home, only that accompanied by feeling tired, not physically or mentally, but in a more deep sense)