I find it REALLY, unbearably hard, tough, challenging and just tearing apart to live in the physical world nowadays.

It is overwhelming to find, that after all the heroic acts of bravery I can't do such a simple thing - just live.

I found I am running away from the "material world", as I always did...

And today I crashlanded back a bit, I went out from the house... on my own... and got on the bus... I am a true hero!!! Well, I didn't do much else.

And I couldn't stop crying. I just can't digest it, it seems. Old old memories are coming, somewhere from the past lives. I didn't make it back then, but now I went out. Hard!!!

BUT! With all that, I feel so supported, loved, well, maybe "too loved", if you know what I mean. My twin flame is back for some reason, maybe to give a hand

Still confused... Still "fighting"
But it feels sooo "enough!". I feel I've really had enough of all this controlling and resisting, and defending... defending what?! I am unhappy for lifetimes. What is there to defend? Good question to ask, ha?

So... now what? Lost, but "somehow going somewhere" Everything is cool. Others made it, and I will make it too!!!

To sum up: this is the challenge of the energy coming in larger quantity than I can accept. Time to make a room for more light, for some more love... Ouch!!!

Well, life became really interestingly boring

Sometimes I feel I just went back to just living just like all the other people do, except the inner question:" What's going on here?".

I was sure I did until I've met a couple of 'old' faces and went to visit some 'old' places. This is when I realized I didn't go back at all!!! Yes, it's all the same, but I just feel so different.

I felt like I moved back in time to see it all with the new eyes, and I "didn't like" what I saw, which is to say, I felt really not resonating...

There are mainly things I can't do today, rather than can I feel like being on stand by and watching stuff dying, that's all. And the interesting thing is that I don't care, it is even funny in a way.

But! I am writing it because I have realized something today:

During this period I feel it is very important to come in touch with some high-freq. stuff: music, people, movies, reading material.

I felt that recently my numbness brought me to a place, where I stopped doing yoga, meditating, all those things that raise the vibration. And today I had a clear "message" - "you sank, dig yourself out, get some fuel"...

So I've made myself a big jar of green smoothie, have read some OH material, wrote a couple of comments here and now I will go and meditate (I forgot how to do it heeheehee)...

Yulia

Only that I somehow don't feel so excited...

Ok, it seems that I am trying to sit still on a smoking volcano

After some emails with a friend I begin to think I am still standing at the footsteps of a ladder and still afraid to make the first step on the first rung. Great success!!!

And I feel that my head begins to take a shape of one huge question mark!

I am exhausted, desperate, indifferent and yearning don't know for what at the same time.

Another funny feeling: I feel both deserted by God, AND as if I am the one who 'deserted God' simultaneously, and if this is not enough, I also feel love and support in the air, probably, in order to bring the confusion to its perfection

And also I feel like 'Mario', running and jumping up down, and also from 'level' to 'level'. Oh, G3, G4, G5?! G2??!! What is going on here??!! And the 'observer' goes hahaha, you would want to know, ha? Wait, but observer can't go hahaha, then it's processing again... All the time like this. Funny

Not to mention OC, pressure in the head and all the guest kit.

I am reaching now the level of destabilization and pain, that make it hard to believe human being can actually hang around with. Surprise

Probably, it's normal.

But still, I will appreciate if anybody else says it is :S
Or am I lost in the blind alley?

Merci <3

All your expressions Yulia, only you can answer. I find personally that I am like the planets or seasons constantly orbiting cycles within, only the seasons are becoming much shorter, and not as extreme, using an open heart to take me right thru some of most deepest forgotten obstacles that have been my life. All you can do is surrender to the moment, and accept openheartedly that your apart of this wonderful mysterious awesome universe... fusing back. And if your going into density allow patience to sit with you... either way just know that I feel ya, and Im more than happy to extend myself and say, that I have you in my thoughts all day long..

-Bill

Open heart... accept... awesome universe... There is something in your words that somehow "hit it", I even can't say what...

But I feel it.

Thank you! <3

No Yulia, Thank You...

At this point it feels to me, that all the process is just so tough! It is just surpassing any imagination of how tough and painful it can be... It feels I need a miracle

The only thing that is keeping me going these days is me believing that if I am given this, then I can take it.

One of the most "kick under the belt" things, but also somehow very relaxing (don't know why) is that it feels as if I am going through everything from the beginning, from Gateway 1, maybe it is really so.

So yesterday I felt: oh my God! I am a puppet on a string in the hands of my ego! Totally! I just went completely blind and mislead!

Then part of me said something like: "Okay! From the beginning!!! Don't lose your heart, let's try again. It's ok to get lost..."

I am really good in getting lost , and somehow I always find a way, I just need to find it through my skepticism, disappointment (from myself), self-doubt, and all those things that won't help me to "start again".

About face! Aaaand go! So it's hard, so what? Keep going... keep going...

After reading the comment about going into the denseness to find the gift, the nugget of gold, and talking to my frieeend yesterday, I went into this inquiry about what this situation I am at is about...

A small preface: I had some karmic event, where I was dying and could do nothing about it, and then, when I finally began to "really die, I felt this peace, warmth, relaxation, relief. It felt really good.

I recreated this situation with "can do nothing" in other lifetimes and in this one too, despite the fact, that I could do something, but didn't, and I was not alone, but I felt like I am, and eventually killed myself (in this lifetime I tried).

At the moment I am going through something similar. This feeling of being lost, left alone to die, 'can do nothing about it', sinking, sinking, things are getting darker and darker, more and more painful. I lose my taste for life, contemplating on death (under observation) and can't see how all this can possibly be solved.

So after digging and digging: ok, ok, what am I after here??!!! Where's the gift? Where is it?!!! Nothing. Going into the darkness again.. Nothing! Can see nothing.

And now, while I was writing in my diary, I had some "sparkle": could it be I am actually after the experience of physical death here? Or maybe more correct to say after this contrast between struggling, pain, resistance, feeling lost, etc and this amazing relief?

If so, then I don't have to die to experience that!

Am I holding a key to the puzzle here??!!! After so many times and repetitions!!!! It seems I brought myself to such extreme pain, I suffered so badly just to be able to kill myself and experience this?! Peace? Love? Relief? Feeling like finally resting?

I was trying to find the answer in the 'pain', in the swamp, but it was lying a bit on the side. Surprise!! The darkness was just the way to get there.

Life is really unpredictable! You just can never know.

And there is only a slight 'doubt' and a question "am I blind again?"

Hi Yulia,

I've experienced at various times on my journey the feeling of 'getting it wrong' and then being right back at the beginning again - or at least feeling that way.

Before one is transfigured, it's vitally important to keep raising one's vibration - in how we're living our lives. Otherwise the surrounding density can keep dragging us back even before we know it.

So the key now is to centre in what you know. Accept the position you're in and begin again. Do those things that you know and feel help raise your vibration - how you eat, sleep, the space you're in, how you spend your time.

Keep raising the vibration and you'll begin to reconnect with the flow again - the choices will start to become obvious once more.

Chris

Thank you!

Julia -

I know so well what you're going through. You are not alone. Just wanted to say keep keeping on and send lots of love xxx

Sorry to spell you name wrong Yulia. In haste as usual! x

It's not that important, I know who you meant

Thank you very much for your words, Veronica!

Sending a hug!
x

I never thought there will come time, when I will have nothing to say.

So! Celebration!!! Nowadays I feel I know nothing, and knew nothing! It feels unusual, but really funny and also, there's some sense of lightness in it

It appears knowledge is also some type of baggage to carry on the shoulders

And still, there is so much to shake off, to peal and let go. Looking forward...

I don't remember when I saw the light last time... And it seemed I am forever dropped into the denseness and forgotten there. Oh, and 'somebody' cut all the phone lines, so I couldn't call and say hello to my higher self... Nothing. Totally cut off. Lost, confused, feeling how I am deteriorating, but can do nothing. This is how I felt...

And today, after feeling I wasn't outside for eternity, I went out and went to the university and it was just amazing!!!

Yes, I was all tight and in pain, and felt like all the denseness in the world decided to sit and have a rest on my shoulders But also, I saw everything so different! I realised something has shifted during this time, when I was sure I was stuck.

Now, congratulations!!!! I managed to work for 2 hours! It made me feel relieved somehow, and more grounded.

And then, on my way back, I got it. I somehow got lost in the tightness, in what was going on with me, and then when I spotted it, I began to fight it and try to 'fix' it. And then I just was "awesomely ok" with all the mess I felt.

I was on the bus, and it was raining. Just beautiful!!! And then I saw how drops are flowing down the glass:

So the drop was flowing down, then got stuck, 'waiting' while the rest of the drop was accumulating, then flowing down more, then getting stuck... and again and again... Then the wind was blowing at it, so it was trembling, waiting and flowing down again.

And I somehow felt there was something for me:

I flow, then get stuck, then 'the wind is blowing', I tremble, then flow again, etc...

As if the universe was telling me it's all ok, and that there is nothing to 'worry' about.

So I sank into more acceptance. It was really amazing ambivalent feeling: tightness, denseness, darkness were all over, but I was absolutely fine with it, and was just experiencing everything around and in me.

And then I felt really open and joyous

Hi Yulia,

How pleasing you've found the light again

We have 'talked' about this before. There is a difference between 'bathing in the darkness' one feels until it no longer holds you, which would be the Openhand approach. But that is not to wallow in it! I've noticed this happen to some people. There's an over curiosity with the darkness and almost a hidden delight at being there - and it draws everything around it in. And it can be very self destructive.

That's why we speak of 'attuning to the light'. It's finding the impetus, the natural yearning to break through that and out of it. It's finding the key that opens the door within the darkness and then actually applying that.

I notice some people actually resist doing this because they don't want to build personality - that which is breaking through the darkness. But I often see this as a shadow identity in itself - the shadow of non-duality. In other words, "who is here to make a decision?", therefore they don't make one. But the shadow forms around this and then squashes (for example) the ray 1 just as it is arising - the will to move through is continually dissolved.

So sometimes, to break these patterns, does require a degree of strategy - and we could see this as mind led. But we're using form to break into formlessness. A choice to align with something we believe to be real (our evolution - our ascension) and using that as a 'torch-light' to point the way. So for example spending time doing those things that bring joy or release endorphins into the body: physical exercise, a walk in nature, music, dance, deep consciousness body work etc etc.

That way, we align with heart felt positive intent to keep breaking through. Prayer can also help providing it is deep and heart felt.

Chris

Oh and by the way, I was interested to notice that a trip to the university was what helped you break the cycle.

Were we not talking about that only the other day?!

Chris

I would say it WAS "a hidden delight", and once I saw the stuff clearly, it turned to a very visible intense delight, one that I found hard to let go of.

So as long as I was giving it attention, in any way, either allowing myself to fully enjoy it or judging myself for it and contracting (reducing it or blocking it) it kept growing and spreading all over. And in the case of the latter, I felt literally attacked, for example,I felt so 'hooked' that I couldn't breathe.

Only after I became 'indifferent' toward whatever is happening to me, and fully accepting, without judgment or trying to do anything at all about it that it began to gradually dissipate.

"I fed this wolf", obviously, and it keeps surprising me how after reading, hearing, knowing and talking about all these things it is still happening. Probably, it is just something that I had to experience. There is nothing like direct experience. Knowing is not enough

But now I feel like some... warrior after the battle, bitten, damaged and wounded, tired, but ready to go on. I feel it was also part of it. Now I feel less efforting and tightening about the 'progress', but more giving attention to where I am at and how I feel (like a sick person's attention to his body).

Also I am a bit confused still, but more and more trusting that I'll be fine. No, that I AM fine

And the university - it took me three days to 'break through' stuff, and I could finally go out yesterday at 3 pm!!! So there might be a gap between understanding what needs to be done and doing it, even with commitment and readiness to follow.

It's just such 'confusing' times. Nothing is clear, and the system is all going crazy. That's why I feel you are very right about discipline and some level of 'form' or "strategy" to keep the 'boundaries'.

By the way, I find that living in this realm demands certain degree of boundaries. At least at this point of my evolution. Like I can't jump out of the window, even if I feel most free and unrestricted - that's boundary.

Also your words about building an identity/shadow around 'formlessness' and 'non-efforting' resonated very much. I got lost in it all...

All this is so simple for the soul and so complicated for the mind!!!

Yulia wrote: "Only after I became 'indifferent' toward whatever is happening to me, and fully accepting, without judgment or trying to do anything at all about it that it began to gradually dissipate."

This is the only way I have found to allow it to truly fade away. Full acceptance of our darkness, without any need for it to go away, without judgement. Full integration of our wholeness. The lesson is learnt - we no longer need it then and so move on to the next thing that requires integration.

But I think there's a difference Trinity between allowing it to "fade away" which would be the more Ray 2 approach (that of surrender), and/instead, actively engaging processes to make it dissolve more quickly - by invoking the Ray 1 (the energy of will).

For example, if we have back problems because we're carrying dense energy in our field there, it would certainly help to work this through with yoga for example (or of course Openhand's soulmotion if that's something which resonates).

So some may find that allowing the energy to fade away works for them over time, but certainly for me, an active engagement and purposeful sense of confrontation of the energy seems definitely to speed things up.

And whilst I'm quite prepared to bathe in the energy of darkness, I certainly don't feel to wallow in it for any length of time than absolutely necessary.

Chris

There is indeed a difference
We all have a unique configuration after all, so different approaches will have different effects for everyone.

For some a quick and active Ray One resolution seems to work powerfully. I am not one of those in the same sense that you mention above (although full acceptance can bring about a rapid shift too).

I have a strong Ray One. Yet it in these situations, it often arises out of my Ray 2, as a result of accepting and surrendering.

I have found that energy that has been fully accepted fades away 'rapidly'. Often immediately. Sometimes over a period of time. It happens as a natural expression of beingness. I sense that this is what Yulia was saying? I recognise how powerful that can be for someone who experiences so much darkness.

I hope that helps clarify my sharing.

Trinity
x

Yes indeed - it does help clarify.

I felt it important that not too strong an emphasis be placed on the yin aspect. For me, and certainly what Openhand is putting forwards, is the healthy internal balance between yin and yang - which of course is essential within us all.

Chris

Hello

Actually, it was both.
It demanded Ray 1 to:

*break through the the fake surrender, through the shadow of it (which caused me to wallow), as I didn't want to do it because I thought it would be efforting

*to get myself outside the house and on that bus

*to open the 5 gateways book and read the 1st gateway, where it was written - aceptance and surrender, etc It was definitely Ray 1 energy, rather purposeful, mixed with Ray 2 - spontaneity when opening the book on a specific page.

*and then it was Ray 2 only, accepting what was going on, which 'did the job'

*and then realisation took place, accompanied by seeing the raindrops

I think it is about using the 'right' Ray in the 'right' time, which can be rather confusing.

Too much Ray 2 made me wallow, then too much Ray 1 with the tightness itself made it persist...

It's not the full story, there were more spikes/tips here and there from friends and also some synchronicities, like RELAX word popping up

Conclusion: as I experienced it, it is about combining them both in the right way in the right time. I can't say I know what to do if I get trapped again though No recipes... I trust it will work itself out somehow.

Yes indeed - that 'gets' it - a blend of the ray 1 and 2 coming in different strengths at different times - it's very proactive

What you describe points very much towards the way I find myself catalysing the movement of energy within workshops and one-on-one.

First I 'apply' the ray 2 to empathise and connect with the group energy. At this point I'll feel the density people are holding within. I notice it can make me tighten too. So then I attune to this tightness, become a part of it, but then with the ray 1, I feel a sense of dropping 'down' into higher vibrations as I soften with the denser energy.

What it does is 'pull' the denser energy into the greater clarity which tends to break it up (unless people are holding on pretty tightly). The best analogy is energetically holding hands with everyone and then leaping into the void together.

It's something "The Team" showed me how to do and I find it exceptionally effective both in working with other people and on myself.

In summary it kind of goes like this: feel the tightness, go deeply into it, feel it tightening body and mind, then 'jump with it' into the void of emptiness - softening as you go. Watch it break up and fall apart. See the light shining through it. It's a continual dance between the ray1 and the ray 2 (plus variations of the other five rays).

Chris

PS - you also said "I can't say I know what to do if I get trapped again though (Laughing out loud). No recipes... I trust it will work itself out somehow."
Then try this recipe...openway. I think you'll find it works a treat

That's the 'big plan' - to take the "openway".

It's like: "It's the openway or the highway", isn't it? And on the highway things get a bit 'low' - 'lowway'

But since I got lost not once, I somehow don't feel 100% sure I won't loose trek again and will find the way straight away.

But! Where theory fails, practice nails

I already have some experience, I found my way this time, so it makes me feel trusting I will again and faster too.

Isn't it like this? It happens, but it goes really fast to spot and go through it because you've already been there?

And thanks for the description of how you work with the group, I felt like all my awareness was brought to it - a spike and another realisation took place

xxx
Yulia

I think there's an important realisation to make in Walking the Path, something we can easily get intellectually but takes a huge amount of acceptance and integration:

It's all about beingness!

So we'll get lost yes - this doesn't stop - it just gets finer and without attachment to it.

Essentially we learn to live with the grey areas in life. But it's even deeper than that...

Walking the Path IS ALL ABOUT THE GREY AREAS!

We simply become more adept at dealing with them, processing them faster, dissolving tightness and unleashing new aspects of beingness.

The 'trouble' is we keep forgetting. Situations arise that lure us in. Or otherwise, we deny we're being lured by dissolving the pull into those situations - we avoid them.

We have to let go, take centre stream, plunge into the raging torrent of our consciousness and keep swimming. It's vital we discover and integrate that process which keeps bringing us to the surface and/or helps us swim under the water.

Discover the process that works for you and life will become a great deal more straight forwards!

Chris

Hi, Chris, you said:

"So we'll get lost yes... Walking the Path IS ALL ABOUT THE GREY AREAS! We simply become more adept at dealing with them, processing them faster, dissolving tightness and unleashing new aspects of beingness."

So it seems that my feeling was 'true'

What I feel also is that there is nothing 'constant' on the path. Nothing is really 100% clear (and if it is, then most probably it is NOT 'real', but mind- or ego-led, artificial or sham), so I believe there can't be a really rigid process that will always work, and it's important to keep that open space for changes and a certain degree of flexibility and adaptation to something new.

But what I feel is that ALSO while everything is changing all the time, so the mind can't have a hold and some rigid structure, STILL there is also a degree of consistency.

So like with all the rest, it's the balance between staying withing the boundaries and orientating on the general guidelines on the large scale (using Ray 1), AND at the same time leaving an open space for spontaneous adaptation (Ray 2).

Like with the gateways: practically, the trick is the same - surrender to what is and align with the truth But still, it is different in its subtleties in each gateway.

Example:
In Realignment we keep 'learning' to be the observer and surrender to the "governance of the soul". And in Transfiguration we learn to be the Seer (gradually get used to it) and surrender to the governance of the soul. The 'subtlety' would be the 'identity' in this case - really tiny difference

Today I had another 'landing' realisation...

I was carrying very heavy bags, and was really getting into the experience (really amazing how deep one can go into such ordinary event). I made stops to rest, and then lifted again and kept walking, then felt ok, I can't go on, stopped, rested and kept going... at some point, towards the 'finish', I've seen a bench in front of me, ~two meters ahead. The bags were so heavy and I felt this "Oh! go go go...". And then immediately became aware of losing the center: "Hehe. But hey! The bench is two meters away, and it will take several seconds to get there... Where are you NOW?". I laughed at myself, and went deeper, and you know what? You wouldn't believe how far two meters can be and how long 5 seconds can last

The 'moral of the story' for me was:

When being in the darkness or something really tough or challenging is happening, there is some tendency to want to go through it as fast as possible, to get to the other side, the easy flowing light 'island'. It then looks like trying to perform jumps from island to island and skip what's in between.

But it's called walking the path, not jumping the path

This is what it was for me, the example of living, that happened to me today - 5 seconds of continuous full on experience.

It was heavy, it was challenging, many things were going on in and around me, and there was absolutely nowhere to go, nowhere to get and nothing to skip or make go faster and fade away.

And interestingly, what I have noticed is that the toughness of what was going on helped me to actually get deeper into it, because it was something I couldn't ignore or push away, distract myself from... It made me contemplate about the role of such 'toughness' ('viscosity') on the path...

i'm with you beautiful souls in these lines of Yulia and Chris and Trin and ...

Thank you all for the gift of sharing. So often do words, feelings, vibrations reasonate and shine a light on my path.

Blessings, heartfelt,
Alexej

I saw this cute clip on facebook about "parkour" and went to see what it is about, as this is not the first time I've got excited about guys running, jumping and climbing in urban environment and in the wild...

----------------------

So this time I followed the 'rabbit'... It eventually lead me to read about this system/philosophy called parkour... And I immediately got the message.

Here I extract the lines my awareness was brought to (from wiki). I was reading while also noticing the double meaning, reading it also as a metaphor:

"Parkour (sometimes abbreviated PK) is a method of movement focused on moving around obstacles with speed and efficiency."

"Traceurs (parkour practitioners) train to be able to identify and utilize alternate or the more efficient paths. Parkour can be practiced anywhere, but areas dense with obstacles offer many different training opportunities."

"Traceurs take the most direct path through an obstacle as rapidly as that route can be traversed safely... efficiency involves avoiding injuries, both short and long term. This idea embodying parkour's unofficial motto is être et durer ('to be and to last')."

"être fort pour être utile" (" be strong to be useful") (Georges Hebert)

"parkour is "only a state of mind" rather than a set of actions... it is about overcoming and adapting to mental and emotional obstacles as well as physical barriers"
(Chau Belle)

"It teaches us to move using the natural methods that we should have learned from infancy. It teaches us to touch the world and interact with it, instead of being sheltered by it." (Andy)

This last one really brought some memories, sadness and then inspiration - as a child I used to play, climb, I wasn't afraid of anything, I was outside most of the day. At some point I turned to some indoor, afraid of everything creature: afraid to fall, to get dirty, to look funny, I feel so inspired by these words. Open and touch the world!

------------------

So today I was walking and saw some playground with all those small sized ropes, tunnels, slides, etc

So I said "All right, I am going to touch the world now!" And I did! There were moments of such fear (this is ridiculous), also I needed to climb through some tunnel with relatively small diameter, it was like with all those ventilation tunnels in the movies (Mission impossible!).

I must say, it made me sooo joyous and happy!

Yey

-------------------

Here's a video I just find so inspiring - how aware, in the body, focused and relaxed one has to be to do this kind of thing, amazing! I find even watching it somewhat meditative:

Interesting you bring the subject of parkour up Yulia. I too have been deeply inspired by it - and yes, just watching it feels like a meditation somehow.

I think what I love most, is the pure expression of human beingness in wonderful interplay of art, physics and biology. It's beautiful flowing movement which seems entirely natural.

To me it also speaks loudly (and as you say metaphorically), of the flow of the spiritual warrior through life. The fact that it takes place through the concrete jungle of society, yet is not bounded by it's physical limitations - in fact mocking those - I find deeply inspirational.

Thanks for sharing

Chris

Yes, I 'see' and feel exactly what you describe.

And also it is really amazing to me, how much we can learn through the body, through the physicality itself, and through the matrix, the potential of which is so often suppressed, avoided or underestimated in spiritual circles.

I would say, that the 'further I go' into the jungle of self-realisation, the more I see how there is really no divide between spiritual and physical. One affects the other. It can either greatly assist or greatly interrupt.

This world is such a wonderful and interesting place. There is so much that can be done and played with to evolve and to inspire others.

Another amusing thing is the similarity of real parkour to what we see in The Matrix (the movie). Those who disconnected themselves from the matrix can 'fly'! It appears it's just some conditioning to work through. Anybody can do it

tres cool!

I was really interested in this a few years back when I lived in the city. It seems to be linked to graffiti, skating etc (e.g. referred to as 'counter-culture'). I love how at least some of the 'typical' boundaries in society don't seem to apply to them - running over rooftops etc. That seems symbolic!
It seems to me like a real art form, and I feel a similar way to how you guys expressed about it.

They remind me of the effortless, dynamic movements of animals, especially cats and mammals that climb. They seem to land so lightly, and also seem fearless. Really at home in their surroundings, as if they are even a part of them, flowing within it, yet also beyond it.

I've just had a realisation!!!

I was all the time inquiring why is it so hard to balance Ray 1 and Ray 2. The discrepancy was: if these are aspects of the soul, then how come they are flowing in the 'wrong time' and 'wrong place'?

And I got the answer today:

There are Ray 1 and Ray 2 - coming from the soul.

And there are the masculine and the feminine aspects of the personality. Till now I was confusing between the two.

Today I was paying attention to the difference, and even though sometimes it can be really subtle, but it is very recognisable.

Those coming from the personality bring with them some degree of tightness and rigidity (even the female one). It feels less authentic, less natural. I experience it more as a barrier to the 'right' feeling, right expression, rather than the feeling and expression itself.

It is where I have some fear or have some idea about how I am or the things are supposed to be.

So now I am balancing between these 4. How not to suppress what's coming from the personality, but at the same time not to allow it to stand on the way of the soul's flow.

Quite interesting

Hi yulia

and it seems there's also the potential for it to be even more subtle in the feeling. So you say if the energy's coming from 'personality' (rather than soul) it may
"bring with them some degree of tightness and rigidity"

yet in my experience sometimes that's actually where the authentic energy is flowing. I feel that sometimes there's the potential to confuse right action/energy with mind-led/distorted energy, because of how it feels or if it causes tightness etc. yet in my experience the soul flow may even be experienced as tightness at times, perhaps even less natural, e.g.when it encounters something to process, for example to break apart a behaviour pattern. My experience is that sometimes this may even feel like going 'against the flow'. But I get a sense there are two potential flows in those situations, one might be maintaining the 'pattern' and the other might be breaking it. So which one is it going 'against', and which is it aligned with? It feels a subtle difference.

Ben

Hey Ben

Yes, indeed, tightness is rather 'normal thing' to experience for me, no matter if the response/action is right or not.

But still, after some observations, at the moment, I feel I can tell what it is, the response of the personality or the soul flow (even if through the 'barriers' creating the tightness and resistance).

Maybe a good way to describe how it is different is through these examples:

Tightness as the side-effect of opening through the obstacles. Get into the cold stream and feel the resistance of the body, or go against the wind and feel the natural resistance, or even just go up the stairs and feel the resistance.

The other type: Tightness as a response to a false response or action. For example, if you try now to do something you were not meant to, like go make yourself cup of tea when you don't want tea, and feel this type of tightness/resistance.

These two resistances and 'tightnesses' are different kinds of 'tightnesses'

Also there's another check I do: true or false one.

Try to say some false statement to yourself and feel the contraction happening. Or ask somebody to tell you something true or false, which is that you don't know, but when it's a lie, there will contraction happen.

So I was talking about this kind of contraction, like when "it's a lie".

Of course, it's much more flowing and game-like, also sometimes I see what it was retrospectively, and then recognise it the next time it is happening.

And like with everything else, it demands some 'practice' and time to develop sensitivity and resolution

Hi yulia

I like your examples.
for me I feel there's also another example: when a pattern is being played out that is maybe subtle or quite deep. If one then goes against the conditioning, whether consciously or not, it may feel like its the 'wrong' thing to be doing, because its moving 'against' the patterned behaviour. And I think when what's being experienced and why isn't very clear then it may be confusing. that's what I meant. I think its different to your examples but may not be!

and I agree it likely takes " 'practice' and time to develop sensitivity and resolution" and move beyond it.

This is surely another one I experience.

In any case, it's important not to get tight about what kind of tightness it is heeheehee

After all all these are just experiences, responses, markers and pointers - ways to get to know ourselves better, which can be and is often done through negation: "I am not it".

For example, I am not Ben

Hello

These times are really breathtaking!

I feel I am a complete mess. I am experiencing all kinds of pains, OC attacks, well, it feels like I am swirling in a washing machine, and sometimes it gets really fast.

I lost the ability to pretend as if I am in the Disneyland and it's just some funny entertainment. It feels like it's time to really get up and get to 'work'. it is not playing anymore, but it's a commitment, responsibility, as if I am 'demanded' to be constantly aligned, and not only when I feel like.

I have only one good expression to describe it: unbearably horrible. Paaaain, and then some more paaaiiiin, and then noise and aaaaaaa!

---------------

So what I am doing is:

1. Observing, staying present in it. Yesterday I felt like a drowning man, up, down, swallowing water, choking, coughing, up, down again... Fascinating!

2. Balancing between 'hiding' and 'popping up'. Which means:

If I get too open, the attack becomes unbearable and I am unable to deal with it. I just lose it, get lost and the pain and suffering become too intense. It feels like tsunami of negative energy. No can do.

But if I get too cocooned and protected, shelled and sheltered, and then I feel stuck. Nothing is happening and I am just marking time. Then frustration is building itself, since I am not connected, aligned and walking the path, which is I am not dealing with the stuff.

This line is really thin. It is about feeling out when I walk to fast, and it's just too much, and when I walk too slowly and then the swamp is sucking me in.

3. Surrendering. Ok, no light, no pleasant feelings, no love, no roses and pink clouds, it's darkness and pain. Somehow it is easy to suffer when there is some 'prize' is waiting on the other side. How about suffering for nothing and seeing no end to it?

This is surrender. Where ego can't have a hold, where mind can't justify what is going on.

Can I accept all this fully? Can I serve in this way, on these terms? THIS is the path. Can I be "awesomely ok" with it?

4. Connecting with the higher self while filtering the rest. There is a tendency for those under a severe OC attack to cut off the crown connection. It is a way to hide: to stay on the physical plane, close to earth, no spirituality, no light, no nothing.

But the thing is that then there is no walking the path, since I can't follow the higher guidance when I am cut off.

So I connect, but very carefully. Usually, when the connection is 'safe', it is going through the crown directly into the spine (there might be blockages and interruptions, but the connection is not only in the head, but also in the spine).

If it is not safe, I've noticed, that many times I feel as if the 'entrance' moves from exactly the vertex to the front part of the head. Then it's o-o! I move backwards.

So what I did till now was being really careful and watching what exactly I am connecting with and cutting anything that is other than myself.

It is very challenging, when I am being constantly bombarded.

5. Letting the understanding go. When things get tough, I feel that out of panic I am desperately trying to understand what is going on and what to do. Then "show me" is a transmutated "I don't understand. Please answer me in the way my mind can get it".

Part of the surrender is the letting go of the understanding what's going on and what to do. It is unconditional readiness to follow wherever and whenever, when I have no idea where I'll be guided in the very next moment.

6. Finding the lightness. As I already mentioned, but I keep balancing it, there's a risk to be sucked and lost in the darkness and suffering (as there exist a certain degree of pleasure and attachment to it).
It is important not to let myself sink.

There is really not much joy in this period, and even things that used to make me joyous leave me completely indifferent and numb.

So if I feel I begin to complain, get tedious and turn to a moaner - instead of finding a buddy to sit and complain with, I go and actually do something, even if initially there is no joy in it. DOING something really helps: dancing, walking, cleaning, whatever, just moving the body and bringing awareness to it. Then some space is opening to let the light in, and it can make a very big difference.

GETTING OUT also helps, as lying and crying in bed and keeping myself locked in 4 walls (there seems to be such tendency) cause some sort of stagnation, whereas when I get out, I might meet a beautiful tree, bird, or see some message...

7. Letting the attachments go. Sounds easy But the thing is that it is really hard. Probably now, that the veil was lifted, all kinds of mechanisms got activated: denial, trying to hide in the mental plane, etc etc

I feel like I am really ready and want to face and deal with it, but hehey, it's just pushing, another mind-led thing.
If I don't see the way to process, it means I don't really want to, or still not ready to.

Here I'm a bit lost at the moment. Probably, surrendering more will do the job.

8. Getting support from understanding people when it feels 'necessary'. I must say that I feel very sensitive during such periods of exposure and swirling, and there is nothing more defeating as a 'wrong company'.

'Wrong company' for me is:

*that which would identify with my suffering and try to 'fix' it or find a mind-led solution. It just brings more noise to the mental plane.

*which would not understand (because the path and experience is different from mine) and judge me for where I am at and for the point of my focus. So it might seem that a person is bringing too much attention to what is going on with him, to the darkness. But this is what he is experiencing now, this is his path now, so of course, it would occupy his awareness.

In simple life the example would be, let's say a twisted ankle, really painful, so with every 'wrong' step a person would be reminded that he has a 'problem' there and trying to focus more on the way he is walking. Also, if the pain is constant and really intense, then he would probably mention it, joke about it, etc.

So, like with anything else, it's the balance between empathy and understanding and also holding the space and not getting lost and sucked into the other's suffering.

So if there is no such person, who can support, then I found that to me it is better to be alone and keep my difficulties and experiences to myself.

I am blessed with having a friend who somehow is going through the similar experience right now, so talking with him and seeing some understanding and empathizing face was really comforting and uplifting, plus we shared tips and realisations.

Briefly I picked up on this...

"There is a tendency for those under a severe OC attack to cut off the crown connection. It is a way to hide: to stay on the physical plane, close to earth, no spirituality, no light, no nothing. But the thing is that then there is no walking the path, since I can't follow the higher guidance when I am cut off.

It's something we have to work carefully with on the workshops. We're working to help people infuse higher self, but that frequently comes with energy and entities attaching to the infusion of light.

I'd say there's an invitation to learn how to divide your attention. So for example to visualise and feel an energetic web above yourself (or the group) which is infused with your consciousness (feeling attention). The web prevents the infusion of dark energy.

At the same time, with the other (simultaneous) focus, you can draw down the light. It takes practice but it does ultimately work.

Chris

Ok, I don't remember when I felt this awful last time.
This is unbearable.

What's going on? :S

I don't know already what it is:

I am either totally lost and fell down to the lowest place possible, or I am being tested with the most horrible stuff I was ever experiencing in my life and I must say, I am not managing so well.

Anyway, I am in the midst of emotional and mental noise , having panic attacks, suicidal impulses, I am totally unable to function, I feel like all life is drawn from me, tired, sick. I feel that everything is wrong, everything I do is wrong. I am in constant pain (I admit, waiting for it to be over some time soon, 'cause I just can't take it anymore, so it seems). I barely enjoy, and even then it is mixed with pressure and noise.

'Raising vibration' seems to make it all worse. Now I am completely disfunctional. I even already lost any interest of saying or thinking anything 'wise' about it. It's just bare suffering, stripped, without any 'masquerading', excuses or justifications.

The most 'spooky thing is that it is nothing new. It didn't go anywhere.

I don't understand. It feels that it is beyond my ability to handle, it's just too much, but I can do nothing to 'navigate' it. All attempts failed.

I feel like standing and stones are flying in the air and hit me. And there is nothing I can do. Everything I recently tried, discipline, raising vibration, etc... only make it all worse.

Somebody help.

if there's anything more, somebody (the experienced ones) give a sign!

peace
a

Yulia, I am here.
Call me on skype... I am logged in to Chris's account.
x

Thanks, Trin, for the funniness, for reminding me to not forget to laugh, to go with the heart and to accept it all truly, which sounds piece of cake, but takes some years to master

And Alexej, you're an angel

It's amazing how when it feels this is it, I am falling, how little it takes to lift us back up, just a couple of 'wings'...

Ok, next round! I can do it!

thank you,
A

Ok, what I did during last half an hour is wiping out the contents of the refrigerator and the space surrounding it called kitchen.

After anything edible was swallowed, I was still not quiet and opened a couple of drawers, which usually contain nothing and found a matrixy chocolate candy, you know, one of those with a nut inside

I swallowed it faster than I thought it is possible and then found out that there was a writing on the wrapper:

The heart cannot be bought or sold but only given

And it felt like the universe was telling me so many things through these words, like summarizing everything that was lately in my landscape and what we were talking about with Trin.

It is natural to think that everything in this life should be earned, achieved, deserved. It's like you have to do something in order to get something.

So people, and me too, are trying to apply the same principle to their own evolution and it is probably serving a purpose for a while.

It is so hard to break these cycles: be good and then you'll be loved, approved, paid.

Even here, in spirituality, I have built conditions and terms for myself. So sad. It's like before I could blame society, parents, etc for strangling me, for not allowing me to be me, and now... now I took the role upon myself. I am torturing myself now. Nowhere to hide.

I could see some messages there: for example, how people I communicated with today give their hearts, and there is nothing I did to deserve it, but just being me, whatever it was and is. Could I do the same for myself?

The other things I saw is that my own heart and my own real self is not something to achieve, earn, buy or sell. It is just arising from the very experience in every moment.

I see this is a blessing, a reminder, that I actually don't have to be nothing. There is nowhere to go, nothing to 'do', nothing to achieve, but what's the most tricky for me - nothing to run away from. It is always there, with me, the 'nut in the shell', the light wrapped in darkness, I just might not see it... yet...

Maybe there are times when I am blinded and confused, and I see only what I am not. And as tough as it may be, I can always connect to my heart. It's hard not to find it even in the darkest and noisiest place and it is for free.

I am grateful there are people around me to remind me I have a heart and light by showing theirs and the universe for sending me a surprise in a 'guilt'-candy

Note: the wrapping was also all covered with stars!

Hi Yulia, I understand you had a chat with Trinity and she helped stabilise things - great

For me one line in your post stood out bold and strong...

"I am torturing myself now. Nowhere to hide."

Early in the journey travelers learn to look for something - something to centre in and hang onto - "the light through it all" tends to be a common one.

This is great in the beginning for learning not to identify with the darkness, tension, frustration, depression - essentially identity.

But looking for the light through it all and centering will only get you so far on the path. Because these are all transient experiences and sooner or later an even bigger (inner) Tsunami is going to knock them over. Yes indeed, ultimately there is nowhere to hide!

We have to learn to step through the experience altogether. To open a doorway beyond the dark, beyond the light and into nothing/everythingness - pure presence.

I observe that for each of us is a key to unlock that doorway. For me it was a word... "openness". It carried a quality of vibration that my soul recognised as a portal into presence. Every time I thought it, I was there. Even in the midst of my darkest hour this one key would open the doorway. Then I noticed how the darkness just seemed to unwind itself and flow away.

Nothing else was needed - nothing to de-sensitise. Just stepping through experience.

I'd say look for that key which opens your doorway.

Chris

Hi Chris

I really strongly resonate with what you are saying about the 'light'. While raising vibration, connecting to the light, experiencing the connection and joy are very important, but it seems that at some point they can't serve as a balcony from which to look down on all this uninvolved anymore. It feels like the balcony spit me out there into the mud, where all the action is happening. I don't know how I deserved such a blessing, it's like somebody kindly bursted the illusion bubble I was in...

It was really funny, in a bitter way, to see how all the tricks and anything that I could refer to as a 'float' when things get tough just were blown away when the wind got too 'blowing'.

I feel stripped and helpless now and very 'disappointed' by the mind. It seems that it can't help me at all these days, on the oposite, makes it more tightening and controlling. I could really feel how it desperately trying all the algorithms, and they failed one after the other. How frustrating.

I literally was holding by teeth, grasping, fighting for life. I was walking the street and telling myself loud: "you can do it, you can do it... You've been here before. Just do it, just do it..." I already couldn't even think about how to manage the situation, I just did whatever was coming up, and this is what came up. People were looking at me in a very funny way.

But then it is interesting, because I already experienced this kind of states much earlier, years ago, before I even started to do any 'spiritual' work at all. 'The history is repeating itself', this is why I thought I actually degraded, not evolved.

Anyway, what's the most interesting is that with all that I feel I still didn't really let it go, the control, the de-sentisizing. I am running away and denying. I can see that, but can't see what it is exactly I am trying to ignore. Probably this is what makes it all so tough.

I just won't go into the feelings. My mind is fighting for the dominion over heart. This is absurd, since it already hurts like hell!! What is there to be afraid of? The answer I see is accepting the unknown. For the mind suffering is somehow better than not knowing. It is the illusion of control that is hard to let go of.

Today it was really funny. I felt like swirling in some crazy vortex and then I saw a couple of hands which I managed to catch and then they brought me closer to the centre. Wooohohooooo!

It's spooky to see all my world swirling around me. I'm getting a vertigo, so I guess I go deeper into myself, closer to the centre and I'm gonna go look for that key-word.

Thank you!!!
I am so grateful

I felt like sharing:

There is a spiritual identity which is actually running after something: enlightenment, next gateway, etc

Another form of it is spiritual identity built on running away from life as it is and from where I am at (or in other words, inacceptance of what is).

I believe people usually have both in various combinations, with me the latter prevails.

Both of them serve the purpose as long as ego is involved, to evolve beyond where we're at, so for me realising it is making me more in peace with having the spiritual identity and not relating to it as something negative. It is part of the evolution. But also, I remember that it is not something to stay.

So as long as it's fueling the evolution and serving the purpose, it's ok. Things become distorted when the identity is running the show. So as I see it, it's ok it's there and for me the important thing is to be aware and honest about it being there.

I must say that lately I was facing huge frustration about seeing how easy I can get sucked back into the denseness, into the past and into the stuff I thought is gone forever.

So after tasting some hell and the light through it lately, I have these realisations landing on me:

-------------

The deeper I go into myself, the more funny the idea of poetical 'rosy' spirituality looks in my eyes.

What I see is that any attempts to get to some better, shiny and blissy place, as well as running away from the tightness, discomfort, limitations, the feeling of imprisonment and the pain of this world are ego-led and hopeless, unless getting stuck in some comfy 'spiritual' bubble.

Spiritual evolution to me is about increasing the resolution - how well I see what I've got, who I am and who I am not, and accepting both.

The stuff, the old and the new, doesn't go anywhere, it is always there. When the vibration is raised it just doesn't fit anymore and falls off, if I allow it to. But if I get dense again, it sticks right back. It was a good lesson for me.

As I evolve, the picture becomes more detailed, before I saw some big stain, then as I can take more, the stain turns to a web, with knots to unravel. Then I unravel the knots and I see more stuff coming. If I fall into the denseness, I see a stain again, the resolution drops too.

After exploring why I fell, it was denial. I was lying to myself. I thought I let go around a year ago, but I didn't. The fear and neediness sucked me back.

I used to consider myself to be rather honest and courageous, felt I am better than others, than those people who live in a lie. And now I could really feel how easy it is happening, see myself being afraid of what's there inside of me to float to the surface, trying to avoid it, to hide, or at least to win some time, postpone it.

Another thing is still being attached to just ordinary matrixy life. It seems so easy when you are just following the program, when you're just a robot. It hurts too, but it hurts a bit less.

Freedom is responsibility. There is nothing poetic in it. It is a hard day to day work to make the right choice and to do the right thing.

It seems I was unhappy with being granted this tiny drop of freedom and I rejected it, because I felt I can't deal with it.

------------

All this mess with OC, the noise, all the drama I almost got lost in, now I can see how I allowed it all to happen. It was serving my hideaway, my hidden cowardice (very natural and understandable) and this attempt to retreat back. All this was undercover, I was blinded, I was sure I want to go forward, and I did, but on my own terms. I wanted to enjoy the 'benefits' of my more evolved state, but avoid the 'side-effects' of it and to keep the old conveniences.
In other words, I wanted to swallow both 'worlds' instead of making a choice.

So now, when I see all this, I also see the inner resistance and feel myself trying to shuffle and find another good place to hide in denial. I feel myself weak, afraid and given to the mercy of my own higher self. And I don't know what will happen with me.

There is one big gift the universe granted me through all this process: honoring the human experience.

Being a hero is not about being brave, strong, perfect and always right. It is about being brave enough to be human, with all the toolkit of fears and weaknesses, accepting it and keeping walking, trying to do the right thing and being ready to make mistakes.

This is the price of freedom and making a choice - a possibility of making it wrong, learning from it and keeping going.

This song was what nailed this realisation and I was laughing and crying at the same time when I was listening to it:

Ok, here's the new development.

I was afraid of something I didn't know of what. But it kept me away from my center and if I tried I was beginning to cry. So my friend taught to do a very interesting thing. It is very efficient and helpful, for me...

After a meditation and relaxation I am walking in some nice landscape (forest, garden, some island, etc), along the path, which is bringing me to the hill. I am walking up the hill and seeing the temple.

This staircase is leading me to the subconscious. I am going down and see a place with doors...

------------

From this point it becomes very intuitive and individual. The thing is to get into the feelings and let the higher self guide me inside that place.

For me, in the first time it was very narrow, dark and scary. I felt very unwelcome and rejected there.

There can be writings on the doors, but on my doors there are no any writings. Also the doors looked the same. It was a very unpleasant experience.

But then my friend said that one of the first doors is a door where I can find my higher self.

For me it was the first one on the left. I went there, and from that point it was crazy but wonderful experience. It felt so home. I had some interaction with 'higher guides' and so on. (sounds crazy, but it's just me talking to myself )

---------

After I felt that the visit is finished I went out and felt that the corridor got wider and felt much more comfortable and homy. So I said goodbye and went out, up the stairs and out of the temple...

------------------

Now I am doing it on my own. And it works. Today I was led to one of the doors door and had some processing going on. Powerful stuff.

Somehow without all this temple, staircase and doors I can't go in there (maybe temporarily). Anyway, I feel much more centered and comfy with going deep into myself now.

Thanks to my friend

Yesterday I was on the bus. It was raining (I love rain so much!). I looked through the window and saw the images moving fast, confusing and disorienting. If I looked on the farther objects, it got better. I could see them more clearly.

Then I looked through the front window of the bus. I saw the road ahead and it was very focusing and still. New pictures were coming and I felt very stable.

Then when I looked at the things inside the bus, the things were there in the place. They were moving with me, so it's like they were not moving. And when combining them all in my field, then it's very complete. I am not too focused on any, but at the same time aware of each and every one.

It was like a metaphor, a message...

Hi Yulia - amazing experience isn't it?

You might be interested to see the reflection in this article I wrote a while back... The Inner Sanctum

Chris

I am moved to tears by this article.

And also, this one... To us, we would hardly detect their faintest of feather touches; to them, our lightest embrace would be as if hugged by a raging grizzly with soar head and bad breath! is so funny! Hahahahaha You killed me!

I definitely feel myself as grizzly there, so heavy, noisy and clumsy heehee

I don't feel myself clear, light or anything. On the opposite, I feel myself more dense, polluted, noisy, dirty and 'evil' than ever. I also feel I am carrying a huge unbearably heavy sack of stuff I can't put down, can't let go. And it's just ridiculous!

When I'm in there I feel it, all the blockages, and how the light is moving through and literally breaking me, I am cracked and torn and deformed and all that. Really challenging. But somehow when I'm in there, feel home and safe, I don't mind.

In your article you say "To reach this holy inner temple, it is as if we must crawl through the very fires of hell and burn away the dross limiting us. Is it that extreme some will say? Where did the love disappear to?" I am crawling, don't know if this is the helliest hell I am crawling through, but it is definitely hellish

And somehow I am allowed to get in and it feels like I am building a relationship with this inner space. It gets more and more intimate and warm with each visit. I feel I am trusted, despite my hmmm how to say... let's just say I am not exactly the constant choice-maker in favor of light. At least I am aware of that...

So I'll see how it goes, ha?

I'm often reminded of the lyrics from the U2 song "One"...

"You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt."

Speaks loudly to me.

Chris

Hmmm I get it.

I guess it makes you reevaluate what love is when you get to taste it. And then you're testing yourself to be sure you're worth it.

All self-love...

Hi Yulia.

I was reading your exchange with Chris which led me to
the inner sanctum link. At the end of that reflection
was a song called : In to the west.

I googled it wondering who the artist might be, well
the results page said Yulia ! It seemed like a Metaphor,
a message indeed.

I once had a nickname " synchro " not sure why, but
i know i find synchronicities a total delight. Maybe
there is more Gold in that Inner Sanctum ?

Thanks to you and all Openhanders for sharing your
journey, it has given me much to digest and integrate.

With love

bw

Hello,

Just a brief update:

A lot of things are going on. I am going through the same laundry, but now from the other side of the barricades:

I found the centre in the darkness, in separation. And now I am trying to find it in too bright light.

It is not easier at all, and even harder.

It is easy to look for the guidance when everything is tough and painful, but when everything is shiny, glamorous and rosy - it can be easy to get lost.

I see how there is something in me that is making me move and open through the things that I so want to get lost in, and the universe is kindly pulling me out of the debts to the surface, like some subtle voice is calling. On/off, lost/found, blind/aware...

What can I say? The hardest part for me is to ground and center. I barely eat and sleep. It feels like the whole system is changing, rearranging, the values, the perception, the attitude to everything, from day to day life and activities to 'spiritual' concepts, which I have a really strong impulse to just shoot at with RPG and blow them all away and stay with nothing! Open, fresh, curios, flexible...

I funnily recognize now this openness and cleanliness in matrixy people and learn from them. They have no spiritual identity, they have many others... I call it 'spiritual innocence'. I can see on them how it is to be without and where I get tight, where I got dogmatic and strict, where the mind got hold and has built forms and structures I am trapped in.

I had a huge breakthrough recently. I felt intense anger wave about feeling so imprisoned, caught, struggling... then I just 'said'/felt: I don't care anymore!!! Spiritual or not! Right or wrong! True or false! Scary or nice...

I just want to experience and flow wherever I feel like!!! I'm sick of it all!!! GHHHHAAAAAAAAH

And it got clear, like magic. I now see things in me and around, but I don't feel judging and tightening anymore when I see or feel something that is not aligned with my views, perception, etc. I just notice that and the feelings coming up. That's all. So simple.

I now really don't understand why I made it so hard for myself, possibly some transitional state.

The vibration is jumping from up high to really low and dense. I feel strong fluxes of energy, all kinds of energies, and learning to navigate by 'censoring, detecting, adapting and filtering' but again, no effort.

I feel a huge resistance to go to the UK, fear in a way, even shaky, which is so funny, and at the same time, feel very challenged and excited about it. Not to mention I am going to see my friends, people I feel so connected with.

It's just crrrazy. Every time it seems to me I can't possibly go more mad than this and I find out that "Yes, I can!"

All this reminds me of the awakening and realignment processes, only that they are mixed together now and proceed in a much much more intense and turbulent way. Try not to stay at least not too far from the center and you're blown the hell away! so it's more of a combat training, more real, more rough. It feels now as if I was only playing with toys in a kindergarten back then.

Add to the pot a handful of really intense karmic 'movies' and a bucket of my inner identities processing (very challenging)- and you get the picture of where I am at.

Mental institution would be glad to have me on board, but I wave them from distances, 'cause hey, I am managing to ride this 'balance or die wave', maybe not too gracefully and smoothly, but WOW! I'm still here

Love and hugs,
Yulia

Hi everybody

I am scared in a rather non-identified way (on/off).

I am losing hair in the back of my head, in it's lower part. I have a huge bald spot already for a couple of months. And yesterday I found I keep losing spots and in general my hair gets rarer and rarer. And yesterday I saw a woman on the bus with no hair at all at the back of her head. I wanted to cry and began to watch it closer... What's this about?...

----------

I was following it for a while already and this is what I see on the external:

Any time I use natural shampoo I lose hair, I just see it falling and on my hands and all over. Any time I use 'matrixy' - almost no hair at all! I wondered what it means and in the meantime what I felt is that I might have built an identity around eco-friendly instead of following the heart in this matter.

But when I use the usual shampoo I feel very worried and sad about the earth So...

There was something for me that popped up about staying in touch with the matrix. Everything is clear, food, cleaning substances, etc but maybe just to leave some touch... Not get tight and strict? I am exploring this. Not sure...

Also yesterday I suddenly became aware that I use a lot of scarves and stand-up collars, which create friction and possibly cause or add to the 'problem'.

So I felt - why am I doing this? Scarves in summer? Standing collars? Am I hiding? My neck? As if want to bury the head in my shoulders... Afraid? Also under exploration...

And the last one I see is identification with the body and how I look. I am terrified that I will look disgusting. And this one is following me all my life. Already in childhood I thought I am ridiculous and repelling and was and still am very surprised when people *like* want to drink from my cup or something.

---------------

The question is what on the inside is causing all this?

I've had some flash about me being sick in one of the incarnations with all kinds of visible symptoms and I felt as if I WAS repelling to the society, felt horrible and possibly got attached. So now since I can remember I feel this:

I'm ugly and disgusting and want to hide.

All this is accompanied by really unpleasant sensations, and even smell, especially every time I touch the spots.

Very challenging one to process.

These are the only things I see.

Please, if anybody sees/feels something or has anything at all to say about it I would appreciate very much.

Thank you,
Yulia

PS: at the worst, I'll be "The bAld and the beautiful" hhhhhh

Dear Yulia,

it does resonate so maybe there's light to be shone.

I perceive beauty as a hard shell locking us in / out.

You may want to surrender into your ugliness, your being old, sick, stinking. Ultimately finding the shell melting around you allowing for touch, exchange, embrace.

Look at the ugly people and try to see beyond that shell.

You're ugly and
in your weakest hour you shall be loved.

Thank you,
A

Hey Yulia,

The body can manifest all kinds of things when we're holding particular energies inside. I remember once having resistance to having any more children - not only did I bump into pregnant women everywhere I went, but my partner missed her cycle for several weeks. Once the resistance had cleared, her moon time kicked in immediately!

What I get from you is the sense of self loathing - as a karmic past life experience. It feels like you hated yourself, how you looked and how you were. I get the sense it was related to some kind of illness that had associated stigma within society like leprosy for example.

So no there's an invitation to deal with that. The question is how? The karma is inviting you to first acknowledge and align with the beauty of your soul, irrespective of what you look like on the outside. Each time something shifts in your bodily vehicle, presents the opportunity to feel the tightness associated with that. What do you fear about it? How does it make you feel? Where is the tightness? Then go deeply into that and recover that lost aspect of yourself.

When this happens, the outer (bodily vehicle) will start to heal again.

Chris

Hi Yulia,

I wish i could give you some good advice..! i dont have much to say but i felt to write because you mentioned that you feel ugly in the past and i wanted to comment on this one..!

Its funny the fact that you are so beautiful but you feel exactly the opposite. And i mean you are really, truly beautiful.. outside and inside.
I never met you but i can say many things about you, only from your energy and your posts. oh and you are so funny, most of the times i want to reply to your posts because reading them makes me laugh. I guess even if i tell you u are beautiful and all the reasons for saying this, it wont make any difference unless you feel it for urself.

About what alexej said
I don't think there are ugly people. How could they be ugly people, we are all an expression of the source. By saying this is better than this is like you put in categories the creations of universe. we are all equals, there is nothing better than something else, only us not recognizing what true beauty is and watching things from a 3rd dimensional perspective. What we call beauty is what is acceptable in the matrixy word.. but there is no such a thing.
sorry for not being able to say something more, i may get it wrong my self too..

Thanks
Vaso

Hey Guys!

Ugly is a judgment. So is beauty. There is no such thing as absolute either. 'Beauty' is only in the eye of the beholder. Truth on the other hand, is in the eye of the Seer.

So if Yulia feels ugly, it is vitally important we don't encourage her out of that Vaso - otherwise we simply deal with issues at the level of the intellect (with a bit of emotion thrown in).

If we feel ugly, the only way to be truly clear of the attachment is to go right into the heart of it. Explore your ugliness. Let it become you. Then become awesomely okay with it so that it no longer defines you.

Then you have the possibility of dropping into absoluteness - who you really are beyond any kind of identity.

In which place, there simply is no ugly. Nor beauty. There simply is. And all things can be miraculously appreciated in that way. There are no longer any limitations - no pigeon holes to constrain things by. We simply appreciate life exactly as it is, with all filters removed.

Let's not deprive people of their route to freedom guys!

Chris

ugly is a perspective and feeling that way shows me that it is this perspective i am taking.

And this invokes emotions or rather they're bundled: perspective, emotions, thoughts, energetic knots.

So i feel to encourage exploring this feeling and discovering what it is waiting to show. And this means as far as i know that i have to accept (feeling) ugliness. Eventually i won't matter anymore, but until then the message will show through the exploration not through mind games or denial.

Love
A

Hi everyone,

Sorry.. I get it yeah

Thanks
Vaso

No problem at all - it's easily done
There's so much spiritual conditioning going on out there right now - we just have to keep working at not being sucked into all of that.

Chris

They don't tend to hold or even promote concepts.
...very beingnessy they are...

Love,
A

Hello everybody!

Thank you for all your words. Each one of you reflected something to me.

I am definitely stuck with the 'beauty ideals' of our society and judgmentalism, not that it bothers me... So I could really feel that in your words, Vaso, the tightness about "how people see me" an "what will they think", "how will they feel about me". Also the way I look only proves that it doesn't mean anything. This is the experience that matters and how I perceive it and 'work' with it...

I probably didn't make it so clear. I am not bothered by what I feel at all. I was just not sure what it is about. After writing my comment I did yoga and things floated up.

You're right, Chris. It's karma again. I saw it and felt it really well. I let go partially. There are still things to process in there.

"Self-loathing" is exactly what I felt, I made myself sick, I felt my shoulders climbing up as if I wanted to become a turtle and just suck it into the torso somehow hahaha

And I felt myself shrinking and so scared, I cried and cried...

BUT at the same time I felt that it's ok. It's ok to be tight, to be nauseated, to hate, to be afraid, to cry. It's just ok! Nothing to fix, nothing to remove. So I just held myself in my arms and held the space for myself and I felt... completeness, peace and silence, altogether with all the things that were coming up.

So thanks again for sharpening.

Recently it happens to me a lot.

I somehow don't want to change anything anymore. I am just aware. It's that simple. And when the time is right, all pieces land and I am being led to really face something, I am just going to see "Aha, what's there?" and diving and really being there for myself, not rejecting anything in myself, accepting it all.. and it's as simple as that. It just took me 3 years to get it

Much love to everybody,
I feel very supported and grateful

Yulia

Yesterday I had a huge land-down on me.

I was crying of the intensity of this simple but such deep feeling. I just felt it:"I can have it all!". (it's the closest way to put it in words, really hard).

Now I'll try to explain

It was realisation that EVERYTHING!!! is ok to be experienced as it is!

No right or wrong. Nothing to change or struggle or resist.

It's the 'prison cells' I am holding my experiences, not allowing myself to really go into them, to feel it all fully, to taste it all and not leave even tiny drop outside, take it all in, integrate, become it, become everything...

THIS is letting go for me at the moment - removing anything that is restricting me from feeling and experiencing what's going on in every moment. Once experienced it's just falling, and I felt it: this is for me to experience. That's it!

It's all about just tasting all the myriads of the facets of the universe within me and building self-aware free space! I become it. I become everything. I am everything.

This is for me the meaning of "having it all" and this is such joy with tears in my eyes that I can't possibly even try to make it into description.

I feel deeply grateful
Yulia

Yulia that's awesome!!!

Hullo

I landed yesterday. Back from the UK.

Thanks all friends in the UK, some stirred, some calmed, but none of the interactions left me unaffected.

Today I found a new apartment I will live in.

Amazing how this place is so 'northy', but it's in the center of Israel. Cosy. I was really joyous when I saw it after seeing 3 other places and I felt "Yes! I want it!". But then there was some tightness in the chest as if not everything sits right. The time? Me? Anyway, I am watching and ready to turn the ship backwards and at the same time feel super-joyous about this place

Tomorrow I am back to work. Feel a huge relief, like a relaxation of an excited electron to its ground state.

And back to my raw 'tiny' dishes, feel much lighter and clearer already.

Up till now I felt as if I am going to leave the body at some point if it goes on like this, getting all fizzy and ungrounded, I couldn't put myself together. And now it's getting calmer and calmer every hour.

So I am learning to navigate through the denseness.

It feels like everything, all my time in Binyamina, when I was alone, isolated and in silence, was just a demo before the real thing. Now how do I do it, how do I apply it in 'real life'? with 'real people' and not virtual.

This is SO challenging. But I am looking forward these challenges. So I am a mess, but I trust. And this trust makes all the difference. I know I won't be forsaken, even if I feel so. I won't be left to get lost in the noise and swirling currents of modern life. I just know it. I will be shown the way.

I feel so many different things now. Two are very intense: it's both feeling like 'fighting', like breaking through all the restrictions I feel on myself, all the concepts, ideas, wishes, pulls to design myself some nice reality and just flow through this... and the other is humbleness, humility. I am somehow not bothered by all the distortions I see in myself.

I don't feel like fighting myself anymore, any aspects of me. I just feel like going with what I feel is right, and this is enough for me at this moment.

I feel peace now. In tight body, in all kinds of pains, feeling all flushed with dense energies, but peaceful with myself.

Am I aligning back to myself?Or is it the big wave is now passing and I after a lot of ooohoooo's and aaaahaaaa's I find I am still on board? Anyway, I am curious to find out what awaits me on my way

<3

Hello

Where is Yulia these days?

Funnily, I feel that I only now really get to incarnate hhhh

Till recently I was successfully avoiding life, the world around and my own self. Even if I got in contact I barely was there with the experiences. As if I was dreaming most of my life, walking dead or at least dormant.

I felt and did things, but I was so unaware that it was really more like a movie outside of me rather than a movie with me being a protagonist.

Now I am going through major destruction of how I see and perceive everyday life, my interaction with the world and people around. It feels like some sort of implosion. Ouchhhh

It is very challenging and painful and also spooky. A lot of darkness is floating up.

But I am having much more fun now too!!! It feels as if the body is finally filling with blood, with life. I am really EXPERIENCING things! Wow. Only by acceptance and allowing things to happen...

I get lost a lot, but I stopped beating myself up about it.
And also stopped torturing myself so much, that I am not spiritual enough, not light enough, not aligned enough, etc... It feels as if I got up and blew some tight bubble around me. Freeedooooom! Hhhh

Now I just feel and flow. If I flow in a wrong direction, it becomes obvious pretty fast. I don't judge myself for anything. It feels that even if I am getting into some loop, I choose to, because I want to experience it, I am aware I am there until I have enough of that and just get out, shake it off and move on.

Also, maybe it is not so 'correct', but I stopped separating things to spiritual and not spiritual, right and wrong. It can be just some stage in my evolution, but it can be also that I just look for my way. There are certain red lines I feel I don't cross (yet), but in general I am much less strict about what I do, like "lifestyle" and codes of behavior. I kind of learn to accept the imperfections of the world and myself as it is now and only then to feel what is the way in all that, rather than reject, judge or move away. It's like the negative side is finally balancing itself and I am more looking for what's right for me, rather than what's wrong.

It appeared there were many dogmas and rigidness there. Yes, everything has an influence on the field. But being tight about keeping the field clear, to me, feels like doing more damage than anything else. So I allow myself to loosen up a bit and balance.

It's such a gentle one... and demands a great sensitivity:

Discipline, not rigid structure
Softness and surrender, but not anything goes
Acceptance, but not stopping where you are and looking for the alternative all the time

And also I find that it is absolutely necessary, at least for those living in the matrix to learn to live with dense energies in their system and not letting them define me or override the light ones.

If I get too 'high' I lose contact and can't adapt. If I go too low, I lose connection and get sucked into the swamp.

Ok, another interesting day is on the way...

Sending love to everybody
Yulia

There is this very challenging thing that is happening to me.

I feel as if I am stuck between two worlds. And if I choose one, I lose the other, so I jump between the two and feel very unbalanced in both states.

So if I connect to the higher self I lose contact with the physical world. I can't really go into it and function properly in it. If I jump into life I lose connection and feel unbalanced again.

As if I am trying to grasp on one of them. If I lose identification with one I get attached to the other or maybe better say 'bubbled' in the other. I can't connect between the two. I feel like I am trying to hold with teeth literally, like with the last bits of strength.

What I feel that needs to be done is letting go both, but I can't. I can't be nowhere somehow. I feel very scared, lost, frustrated and tortured... Partially because some part of me still demands of me to be connected and aligned all the time, but I am simply unable to do it when I actually begin to live and go through all those extremely hard and challenging situations and sensations. I must say that now when I am comparing the experiences when I was in a safety spiritual bubble and those I am experiencing now it's just funny. I feel like it was a game, some easy tasks to get ready to what I am going through now.

This is real scariest darkest nightmare that is made a beautiful dream full of grace, light and love once truly accepted and deeply felt.

But I feel that something needs to change. Something is missing in how I am dealing with it.

So I am looking for the missing ingredient. Maybe taking care of the vibration, spending more time alone quietly (which is almost impossible these days somehow)... but all these feel so imposed...

And it seems that even when I go to places that used to be quiet and peaceful, now they are suddenly crowdy and noisy, like I am being laughed at.

No peace for me it seems, like I have to deal with it all within the noise and when fallen as low as I can only fall.

Well, I am curious what is happening and what is going to happen and in what miraculous way I am going to make it through all this...

What I'd say is that you're discovering 'shape shifting' between dimensions which becomes a part of 'normal' life when fully unfolded.

In multi-dimensional living, there is moving in and out of different dimensional experiences and indeed, sometimes we can be very grounded in the physical plane, sometimes very ethereal.

I'd say what's happening is that you're beginning to access the spirit light body through the crown chakra - but it's switching on and off causing you to 'jump between states'.

Try meditating on the crown chakra and breathing light out from it and into your field - that might help.

Chris

Actually I am working on this one constantly throughout the day

Well, when I am being pulled by angels out of the splashy swampy puddle full of surprises and stuff

Thank you, Chris <3

I am undergoing a very interesting and surprising process.

It seems that the confusion and turmoil are gone and what is left is simplicity.

There is noise, there is tightness, nothing is clear or certain, but it's like I got used to all this and the amplitude of the emotional response is decaying and now has reached a very gentle 'up-downing' or maybe it's just me shifting more into the background where things are so steady, calm and peaceful.

I also feel barely caring about understanding anything. What matters is this deep feeling, like when things just fall somewhere deep inside, build there and then one day click. Do you know what I mean? It's almost like instead of getting things on a more shallow level, now they go as if straight into the subconscious.

It feels like a dream, as if I am dreaming most of the time (when I am not distracted or allowing myself to get into the 'movie', mainly for fun (spiritually incorrect? hhhh). In this state I feel very calm, but also very different, even more of an 'alien' than before, like I am here just to watch it all. It is hard for me to describe it. It just won't fall into any images or descriptions, this feeling.

And the joke is that on the outside I look just like anybody else, feeling things, expressing them, with the only difference that I look like I have more fast and unexpected mood swings and behave not by the book sometimes.

I meet all kinds of my identities, have a really impressive collection of them I feel like an actor switching them like costumes. Pretty funny, but also bringing me into the place of watching them. I don't feel any pull to change or get rid of them. So today I wear blue sweatshirt and this identity. I am aware of it, experience it and that's all.

I have this something that bothers me a little. I feel like things get stuck, like I am holding things. Then I just go into that 'lump' or tightness, feel it and just like described here on the site or in the book - it's moving, spreading, integrating, accepted, and then I feel this amazing feeling of completeness, peace, like something in me is 'hugging' myself, forever. So I wonder if it is 'normal' to feel 'lumped' all the time. One is moving and the other is coming immediately after. It's like I feel I am always holding something, never feel clear for longer than... from just seconds to a couple of minutes.

What is also characterizing this period is the blurring of the 'judgment' and peculiar combination of sensations.

Probably because the judgment is blurred, and the experiences intermix all the time.

I can feel resting in the darkness, sadness, regret, a feeling of evilness, anything, and at the same time I feel light is pouring on me, enveloping me. I just feel peace. And I don't know already why I am crying anymore.
Are these tears of sadness or because I am so moved by grace? Or both?

It is like the two became unseparable. The darkness, denseness and the light and the lightness. And the separation between them is gradually disappearing for me.

I do have some slight confusion about the feeling of disconnection. I have all these sensations, but it seems that I have traces of spiritual identity (or hints that I have a big one somewhere there under the carpet of denial ). Anyway, I lost the sense of connection with earth, with people around with just a few exceptions. I am rather 'intro' now, digging into myself, and I sometimes feel worried about it. Am I not aligned? Or is it just some necessary step?

And the last thing. I feel as if the end is coming. And this feeling is also generated by external triggers. And I have many sensations coming from it. Like I look around and I realise that all this is dying. I feel sad, because I don't see only how it is not aligned with nature or the basic law of love and interconnectedness, but also see how much beauty was created through this misalignment, including the beauty and perfection in the dense and 'ugly' things.

Maybe it's just me making peace with the denseness in me. Anyway, I feel sad. I feel I never really dived into this world, never really fully experienced it, the separation, this special state, all that has happened and is happening here. I feel like I was kept in a bubble. And now that I sense that we are heading towards the destruction of it all, I feel some frustration and offense. I know it's coming from ego, but still... I feel so confined and entrapped within my configuration. I feel like I would like to be everything and everybody and experience everything here! But I feel I can't.

Well, I think I'll stop here, because there is so much to tell...

In general, I don't separate things anymore. Everything feels like getting mixed: spiritual/not spiritual, pleasant/painful, dark/light, noisy/quiet, etc etc. And it is turning into silence.

So I feel like getting indifferent, but at the same time feel everything. It is right to say I feel I live in two worlds, and there are two me's that gradually infuse into each other.

Well, that's it for now...

Allrighty!

After a short trip back to the 'Dense-ney Land' and tasting 'it all'(which happened very very fast), I must say that crawling back home, with my head down in indescribable humbleness and sorrow, is a deeply heartbreaking process. I am crying all the time and probably look something like Magdalena in a non-identified remorse

What is amazing is that both bathing in 'kaka' and all the climbing back 'up' are accompanied by... how to describe it... I feel like I am all the time surrounded by grace, light, love, support, as if I am hugged all the time. And now, even when I feel I lose it, or feel lost, I am still 'hugged' and taking this hug with me to whatever I am experiencing.

It's like nothing changed, I feel all those things I felt, and I feel lost and confused all the time, but at the same time everything is different.

Also I feel as if all my life is playing out during recent months. Situations are recreating themselves and I don't know what to do, but somehow I just do something, don't know what and then suddenly it's solved. I find myself with this feeling: but.. but.. what did I do? don't know. I just follow the feelings. That's all. And it's happening on high-speed, like things that normally take a lot of time... I blink and it's gone. I got used to it already.

These days, especially today, I feel extremely sad. I feel that I am tired of lies, tired of playing, I don't want all this, I just want to... serve. This is the best word I can find. It includes being free, belong, home, true, but the key-word is still serve. Serve myself, just be with myself, for myself, all the time, no matter what.

I immediately suspected that it is ego wanting things or wanting to get rid of things, but then when I went into what I feel it was actually very 'real'. It didn't feel like desire, it felt like reconstruction of values, as if something is breaking in me and something else is building. It felt like deep inner choice-making.

Funnily, I found out that making a choice is actually NOT an intellectual action (hahaha). It is happening in the feeling, somewhere deep.

So... all this processes now are ouch very much, I feel separated, disconnected, misaligned, polluted, just total 'spiritually' yak, and at the same time, somehow, I never felt more peace and love towards myself than now.

This universe is a mind-blowing mystery

Sending love to everybody...

I begin to notice more and more how mental body can have a huge impact on my state, life and evolution.

It seems that in this plane it plays a big role: how we perceive and translate what is going on, what we feel and see in the landscape.

So as I was reading articles and comments here I could feel how understanding of what I was actually experiencing lately was landing and settling in my mental body.

There is a difference between owning the information with the mind or letting new 'frames of reference' land into the mental body.

It feels like a program or a dictionary is built, in a way, like babylon or google translate or something, but it's not rigid.

It's like old outdated algorithms of processing the incoming information are being replaced by something else.

And it is not what is written here, but rather my own version, which I could find in me because it was triggered by what I was reading.

I could feel the mind trying to intervene but it gave way pretty fast as I was settling more and more in the feeling and integration.

Anyway, it feels to me that big part of the evolution is the constant adaptation of the mental body, mind, physical body and landscape to the energy shifts.

And usually there is some delay between the shift and bodies realignment.

I feel it's like: energy shift (which could be caused also by processing of something in any of the bodies), then shift in how the energy is flowing now, then shift in values, and then going through all the bodies as they adapt to the new state.

So these days I feel that it's important for me to work through all the bodies from mental to the physical, watching where I am stuck and not flexible enough to integrate the shifts.

And at this point it feels to me that the major part of it is sort of 'reprogramming', and retelling the stories I was told how this reality is built, how I am functioning, what's normal and what's not, etc etc

It is challenging, especially that I feel some fear how I am going to function within the matrix if I become so different and it goes more and more intense as I evolve, the gap. Donnow...

Well, I guess, this is something to find out

I trust I will be shown how to.

When we are alone on a starlit night, when by chance we see the migrating birds in autumn descending on a grove of junipers to rest and eat; when we see children in a moment when they are really children, when we know love in our own hearts; or when, like the Japanese poet, Basho, we hear an old frog land in a quiet pond with a solitary splash - at such times the awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the "newness," the emptiness and the purity of vision that make themselves evident, all these provide a glimpse of the cosmic dance. ~Thomas Merton

Hullo

I was carrying this question about the gateways: how come there is a constant shift between them and I know some people get confused about where they are at.

So the 1st thing is that it is not important as far as it concerns the goal orientation. What is important is what I can do when I feel I have some symptoms of myself dealing with the challenges of a specific gateway.

But still, I had some 'hole' around it. The question was just there. So this is what has landed on me today. Please, anybody, feel free to say what you feel about it:

Each gateway actually includes all the previous gateways and also is built of 'stairs', like sort of games with increasing levels to train on until you get ready enough to go through for real.

So basically G2 includes G1 and G2, G3 includes G1, G2 and G3, etc etc and in addition, it has threads to other 'bodies', so stuff typical to other gateways can be activated and experienced too.

Every time one passes the gateway, gateway within the gateway or a 'level' within the gateway, he feels as if he is falling back to zero and starts all over again. It can be fast and rather easy or slow and tough.

This can explain why somebody who seemed so clearly be through G2 in past is found dealing with G2 again, only on a deeper level. It is more and more challenging as the game level is going up, but also the support is getting more and more tangible.

Also to me, there is nothing wrong in falling once you get the meaning of it. The way I see it, it is just revealing more stuff that is blocking more energy to come.

So I opened and now energy can get in. I feel bliss. This is when I am actually invited to go on and open more. So I feel as if I 'fall' so I climb up again. This is done by some light getting in that I still can't handle.

If some extra-light didn't come in and stir all that mud, I would stay on the current level forever. But this is not what my soul and/or the universe want, so I get just a tiny bit more than I can handle and I experience it as darkness, falling, etc etc

So where I feel I fell face down into the mud, this is when I actually begin to evolve/climb up/open more again.

In addition, these collapses back to zero seem to play a big role in surrendering to the higher guidance, as ego gets shrunk during the period of the fall and this is the time of remorse, opening and asking. Whereas as long as ego has a hold, the states of ups are kinda accompanied by pride and arrogance.

It was a bit hard to articulate it, but I hope I managed.

How do you see it, Chris?

Hi Yulia,

With regards multi-dimensionality and the Gateways, there's a risk of over complicating things which we need to be careful of

As I've written about in Five Gateways, although the ceremonies that mark the completion of a Gateway are linear (in other words we complete them progressively G1, G2, G3, G4, G5), we need to understand that to varying degrees, each person is opening higher dimensional bodies that are resonating within each Gateway.

So for example, your physical body is resonating with the frequency of the 1st density Gateway. Your emotional body is resonating with the 2nd, your lower mind the 3rd, your causal body the 4th, your higher mind the 5th, your celestial body (connected to the third eye) the 6th and your spirit-light-body the 7th.

To varying degrees these will be activating within people. So even though someone might be having a stronger lower realm experience (1st, 2nd and 3rd Densities), they may still be opening into the middle realm (the 5th, 6th and 7th densities). Hence if they're opening into those spaces - even to a degree - then they're going to feel influences from those dimensions.

And all experiences are interconnected. So you might be dealing with an emotional issue in the second density (processing Gateway 2), yet it has likely been created by karma from the 4th Density (processing Gateway 4). And this karma may have originally come from a higher mind contemplation in the 5th Density about the nature of relationships, which actually you're still exploring.

That's why people can seem to deal with the same issue again and again. Frequently they are just dealing with the same issue yes, but at a deeper level.

Sometimes people get strong tasters of processing a higher Gateway than the one they're currently centred in. So they'll process inner child attachments and have a partial activation of kundalini for example. They may feel the strong flows of consciousness up the spine and get quite an expansion. They may feel like they're transfigured. Yet they haven't processed all their Gateway 3 stuff yet and so they slip back down into the second density (Gateway 2). This happens a lot.

That's why in the Five Gateways book I was careful to speak both of the ceremonies marking the completion of the Gateways, which tend to be quite marked and strong, plus the indicators of the completion of each Gateway.

And time is a great tester. If we allow a few weeks and months to pass after the completion of a Gateway, it becomes clear if the transition has fully integrated. Plus if also we're being drawn quite clearly into the next one, then it's a sure sign we have indeed made the transition.

For example, on our last Transfiguration Course, it seemed very strongly that one of the participants had indeed gone through the Transfiguration whilst on the course (frequently people have these kinds of experiences). For this particular person, the experiences integrated and continued long after the course. Then she immediately moved into processing karma which is associated with Gateway 4. So it was a very clear signal of what had taken place.

Finally please remember above all what I said in the 5GATEWAYS film: "it is only a routemap". It's like pointing to the moon and saying "there's the moon". But you've still got to find the moon for yourself. If we don't allow it to become dogmatic gospel, then it is indeed an extremely useful tool for helping understand what we're influencing and why.

Chris

Hi, Chris

Of course, you are right. It is not so important. I stopped even trying to spot where I am at, actually rather long time ago

But still, like with any map, when holding it in hands, it can be important to understand its language and code and how to hold it right and then also to know how to apply it in the field.

It's like if I don't know where north is, then sometimes it is better to rely on intuition than to go in the wrong direction for miles following the map.

So this is what I do more or less.

I use maps when I already have some orientation where I am at and where is what and in other cases I don't use anything and just follow the hunch, or my own way. And sometimes I stop and ask people on the street which way to go

I guess it is good to know how and when to do each of these?

I quoted Chris, and he was telling the truth.

It does get easier as I release the control, manipulation and spot and let go the desires or mental blockages.

These days I feel I am not trying to manipulate anything anymore. I feel that all I want is to serve, myself and all. I feel I want to get out of myself, stop swallowing everything and just give.

But then I was asking what is it, to serve, to give? I had some ideas and ideals around what it would be like... But it is much more simple.

I found that it is just listening very carefully, becoming more and more sensitive to the lie and truth and then just following the truth. Sometimes part of serving is following the lie and exploring that.

And I feel I become more and more sensitive and I can see all those mechanisms and identities at work. I got tired of judging myself and fighting, so it made it really easy too. I just open, no matter what is happening to me, and I feel as if I am constantly in the state of not-knowing what is right or wrong to be or do now and asking.

I found that I don't need to do anything, but just open and ask, open and ask and let the myself connect and align with the higher version, higher vibrations.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go.

I feel I don't want anything anymore, including spirituality. I don't want to be happy, spiritual, evolved, enlightened, nothing, except just following this inner voice, inner truth.

And recently I was brought to rather brutal situations where I was shown to always trust this voice. I found that I just KNOW it all, I see it all and it is a matter of trust for me, trust towards my hunches, my deep inner knowing. Even if everybody around say I am wrong, distorted and blinded, can I trust what I feel and know is true and right?

And even if I don't, can I open and let myself being shown and guided?

All this process got much more smooth and easy after I read G2 in the book and was reminded to just observe everything and not trying to change anything. Much appreciated

Amazing!

I just realised something during writing my Phd research proposal!

I was writing it in Latex and the program is getting stuck and doesn't run spontaneously if I have some mistake there. I was always so annoyed by this and only now I realised that it is actually a blessing and immediately saw the lesson in it:

When I feel stuck, that things won't flow and I don't get it, what is wrong and how to do it - it is like debugging process. Yes, it can be hard to see where I 'went wrong', but if I don't give up and just laugh about it and keep in mind that it is created this way for me so I can learn to do it right, then I see such a blessing in it.

And the joy when finally getting it is so similar to the joy I experience when I 'crack' some puzzle in my life, open and laugh about how seriously I took it back then and it was just a game!

And it is also so wonderful how the universe is always there to teach me something, even when doing something that might look soooo different from a 'spiritual' action - debugging a program

I am so happy

Hullo

After a long period of being in the darkness and processing heavy stuff I popped up back to the surface. Yey! I am very joyous now AND facing many challenges as well.

Now... with the lightness my psychic abilities are back and I am being brought to all kinds of people, event and activities where I use them.

Now, as 'they say', since I 'came back', I began to be severely attacked psychic-ly, huh!

I learned that many of my recent unfortunate negative experiences had nothing to do with processing or anything, but were just a rather 'heavy artillery' attacks by all kinds of energetic and 'human' forms.

So... after asking some questions I was brought to this site and found it really helpful and useful:

http://astateofmind.eu/2010/02/23/psychic-self-defense/

Later I followed and read about all kinds of psychic techniques... http://astateofmind.eu/2010/02/27/psychic-development-step-by-step/

After finishing reading, I asked for guidance and here I describe what answers I got and what I did:

I am being constantly attacked and have to learn to kinda protect myself (without fear and effort of course), center, ground and clear and balance my field.

...and to do some practice right now.

So, under the guidance, I have found a spot to sit, took a couple of minutes to centre, relax, expand and connect. Then I have asked Earth if I can draw energy from it and immediately got a strong Gaia energy flows.

I learned to make a psiball, it took me several minutes. Then I felt that more earth energy went through me and my hands into the ball. Then I felt like asking of it to protect/shield me from any kind of malevolent energy that doesn't serve and then felt like getting up and placing it in the middle of the ceiling (I have only one room ). I got that it will hold only three days and that was it.

Then I walked three times around the room while clearing it with my hands in a circular motion and was feeling the earth energy keeping flowing through me and around me.

And then, to my surprise, I took two transparent glasses, filled one with water and then found myself walking from wall to wall (in the clockwise direction), starting from the wall where the entrance to my place is, and just pouring the water from glass to glass three times. Then I did it in the middle of the corridor and bathroom.

When the procedure was over, I said - now what? opened the door and vigorously poured the water out straight away from the entrance door (in ballistic motion). Then filled the glass again with new water and did the same ballistic pouring another two times. And the last time I just drew a line of water right in front of my door (outside), parallel to the door.

Well, that was it. Interestingly I myself felt very clear and light after the procedure.

I also asked what to do when I am outside and feel dense energies or attacks, whether to build shields or not, because I kinda feel it is contracting me and use only the protective shield in a form of dome above my head, like a filter. I already do it automatically when I meditate, connect, ask questions or feel that something is wrong with the energy. I can actually make it very big and sometimes being brought to open a big one above certain public places.

But it seems that I get attacked not only from up down, but also from other directions. In the meantime the answer was to keep myself and the surrounding tidy and clean (energetically too) and to shine from myself (like it is enough) and also to use the wings for protection.

Ah, hello. I was given a pair of wings lately (totally insane). In the beginning I felt very confused and didn't know what to do with them and what they are for.

But recently I get 'reports' from ordinary 'normal' people that they feel protected and light in my presence (when the wings are open in particular). I learned to also embrace myself, things and people with them (by just flowing with what is coming up, with the guidance). Amazing experience. They can be very big and I can hold groups of people in them if needed.

So I was told to use them for my own protection too.

Ok, looks like I have a lot to learn these days. I feel very excited!

Hugs to everybody

Ok, so it seems that after clearing the field enough to be able to 'hear' better, I was shown that, just like Chris always said, I am being attacked mainly where I have weak spots and leaks.

So today in the morning, when asking how to prepare for the day, I felt energies flow both from up down and from the earth and as if all my body was now only energy. And then I could hear the mental noise very clearly and where the mind created tightness in the body.

Then I went to one of the recent 'attack' events and asked how to deal with this kind of stuff, what to do. And I just felt all the tightness and the dark viscous energy beginning to spread and suffocate me. I didn't resist it, let it spread and followed the sensations. And once I settled within all this cloud, I could feel what it is spreading on. Something like a scared bullied child. So I went into these feelings, got totally immersed in them, but I was calm and kept open and guided all the time.

And then, out of sudden, I felt transparent. I didn't mind to experience this anymore, the resistance and fear were gone.

Trasparency, ah? Just nowhere to hit. Nothing to lose, to prevent, to be afraid of, etc...

So summarizing and integrating it all, I got that I do need to clear and protect the field just enough so that I don't get overloaded by the denseness around me and in me and be totally drained by the attacks. And then I can handle manageable dosages to see where these are pointing at, which weak spots I've got and deal with them.

Just to keep the balance, as usually.

Interestingly, I don't feel I do anything at all. Just align and ask, constantly, continuously.

And the last part is the next comment... aligning the bodies.

Wow Yulia thanks for these interesting and helpful information. Reading what you wrote I feel like growing a pair of wings out of my back. I've not had your experiences with the psychic attacks but I sense the info may come in handy someday I have only recently moved into a new room, it's room 7 in house no 7, interesting numbers and it's also on the ground floor. I've not bothered to tidy it up since I moved in a few weeks ago, it's now in a state of mess, clearly reflecting something about my internal state of consciousness. But now I feel like to clean it soon (still waiting for the pull)! Much love, Lei

It feels like I wrote it centuries ago

Since then I kinda got that if I just follow, confront my fears and go right through the obstacles on my way and fulfill my purpose (each and every moment) then I don't have to worry about these things I wrote about at all hhhh

And then I ran into a great piece of info, it was something like "whoever follows the ways of God and whoever is God's servant doesn't need to worry about all those things that are trying to push him of the path, because it is not him they are dealing with, but God himself".

The point is if I follow the pull, what truly matters to me and let go everything that is holding me back from doing it (by just being aware of it, but choosing not to follow it), then I serve the higher self and the universe, and then I have the support from the whole universe and they just "have my back", so I don't need to fight, get rid of or worry about anything, but just follow no matter what and ask for guidance and trust, just trust.

And again, just like a year ago, there is a place of taking a leap of faith, stepping into what scares me most, just jumping into the water. And I just know that I will be ok, that I am not alone and that I am being watched after and always was. I know it!

So part of it is keeping myself tidy, sensitive, aware and balanced, but it is just part of the whole process, it is not important in itself and I don't mind to lose it all if this is what needs to happen. Feels so free and fearless. Yey

This is what is happening to me. And I am just... I can't describe what I feel.. blessed. I can't walk since yesterday evening, I joyously run!

I only will add that interacting with people, both ordinary and 'spiritual', is what helped me to finally get it. When I was alone at home, I was just stuck in some avoidance and denial bubble.

So it seems that one of the lessons I've learned is to move, get out, interact, because the mirrors are out there, all around and not within me. It is much harder to lie to myself, to get lost when I have pointers all around. And I am undescribably grateful to all those people who have shown me where my weak spots are.

And the last thing is what surprised me is that 'normal' people were talking to me and they just.. I felt like God/the universe is speaking to me through them. They just hit the spots. Amazing...

Ok. We have Pesah here now, a big holiday. And it is about how we get out of the slavery in Egypt to the desert (where we have nothing). We are still slaves on the inside, we want to go back to Egypt every time we face hardships and pains, because it is hard to be free and the mind is getting on the way all the time with its questions and tricks. And eventually, after all the challenges and wanderings, we get to face our core fears and weaknesses, surrender and believe, just open and trust. And then magic happens - the sea parts and we're through. So metaphorical.

So Hag Sameah
<3

You know what Yulia- your words spoke so divinely and directly to me in such an ordinary way ! You seem to be experiencing the same things as me ( just from your words).

The metaphor about Pesah so relevant,listen deeper.....and immerse yourself and befriend those vast waters.

I lived and worked in Israel for about 6/7 months some years back and they were the best days of my life, not always an easy time for me out there but I left a huge chuink of my heart out there in the old city of Jerusalem. It is the nearest to real life you can get.It is everything all in one to me and the way the Israelis live is really living.....although some often so stuck in karmic history

I must return once again. I know I will.

So Hag Sameah ! (And please do keep me informed)