Alex’s Experiences Part 2

I will be taking part in the Openhand Paradigm Shift workshops in my home town of Brighton on 8th/9th September 2018. Last night I had a big dream about going to an Openhand workshop with my Mother & Father. In the dream I briefly met with Open, although he then went off ahead of me & I felt like I couldn’t keep up with him. Trinity was also present in the dream.

I feel inspired to start this new thread as I prepare for these workshops. It’s been a while since I last posted on the Openhand forums.

Blessings,

Alex

Comments

Hi Alex, great to see you back. And I'll be looking forwards to seeing you in Brighton - thanks for all your work in putting posters out there.

I guess you realise the dream referred to conditioning from your parents that you're likely carrying with you?

Best wishes

Open Praying Emoji

 

I’ve not long woken up from a dream about being back at a Primal Integration (PI) group. PI is the main form of personal growth work that I’ve been doing since 2003, & is what catalysed/introduced me to spiritual development. PI is very like Primal Therapy, but is also open to spirituality & spiritual exploration.

In the dream there was also a link to Glastonbury, which is why I’m writing about this here. I was walking across Glastonbury Tor to get to the group. There were lots of other people on the Tor. 

I’m wondering what this dream is telling me. I’ve been allowing myself to sink more deeply into my emotional pain in recent days, using the Openhand model of allowing my pain rather than resisting, avoiding or distracting myself from it, in order to unravel & unwind it. I’m still not able to "dive fully" into my pain, which has been suggested to me by Open & by others in the past, but that doesn't seem to work for me because my psychological defences (against experiencing the full force of my deepest pain & trauma) are too strong & need to be dismantled slowly & carefully.

I know that I'm preparing myself for the Paradigm Shift Intensive in Brighton starting in 9 days time, & that this dream is part of that preparation or anticipation.  I will mull over it some more & perhaps post again later.

Blessings,

Alex

 

Hi Alex,

As you might know, the Glastonbury Tor has been considered by many as being the centre for the heart chakra of the planet, through which karma processes. So possibly you're being invited to work with the heart chakra - leading to the activation of karma. If that resonates, I would suggest breathing into the heart chakra and relaxing in. See what then unfolds.

Best wishes

Open Praying Emoji

I attended the 9am session of the Paradigm Shift webinar on Saturday. One of the questions that Open asked was “What is there to be afraid of?”. I know (believe) that ultimately there is nothing to be afraid of, but in my human experience I do have a lot of fear at times, which often feels very debilitating or even paralysing.

In preparation for the Paradigm Shift Intensive this weekend, I thought I would name the top 3 fears that affect my life presently.

1. Getting it wrong. I know at one level that I can’t “get it wrong” that everything is a learning experience (or growth opportunity), but at a FEELINGS level I’m often paralysed by this fear, that I’ve got to get it right, do the right thing (according to some expectation that I have, or have been conditioned with) or else something terrible will happen to me, or I will be made to feel really bad. It’s a “treading on eggshells” type of fear. I know where this comes from in my past, but having that knowledge doesn’t always stop the fear.

2. People. This may sound strange, but I have a deeply held fear of other people, that they will attack me in some way, through criticism, shaming, judgment, humiliation or that I won’t be welcome or accepted by them, that I won’t fit in, or that they will make me feel bad. I know that this is irrational, & that ultimately no one can make me feel anything, that I am responsible for creating my own feelings, but the fear is there & I often end up avoiding people or isolating myself as a result.

3. Facing (remembering) my deepest traumas. I have a lot of awareness of what these are, & how & when they happened, but I have great fear about allowing myself to remember the full force of those experiences (or as Open might put it, to “dive into my pain”), as if in doing so I would be destroyed, annihilated, engulfed by something utterly unbearable, that would destroy my very being, my very essence. These are the psychological defences that I referred to in a previous post.

I have blocked out a lot of these memories from my conscious mind. To give an example, I had a serious skiing accident in 1984, where I lost control at high speed & ended up dislocating my left hip & having to spend a year on & off crutches. I remember skiing fast, before I lost control, & then I remember sitting in the snow in a state of shock after the fall, but I’ve no recollection of anything in between. Losing control, taking the tumble, & the impact or wrench that dislocated my hip must have been terrifying & very painful, but I have blocked that memory & trauma out, presumably to protect myself from it.

I do know that by blocking these traumas out & not allowing myself to remember or feel them, I am giving great power to them & preventing myself healing from them. So in that sense, if I were able (or willing) to dive into my pain, I could release myself from the hold they have over me, I would be liberated from them, I would set myself free.

That’s what I would like to do, what my soul is yearning for, & perhaps I am now ready to take that step.

An eminient psychoanalyst once said to me “You are ready to end your therapy when you can tell your full story” ie when you have come to a place of full honesty & acceptance of your life history & experiences. That sentence resonated powerfully & has stuck with me, & I felt prompted to share it here.

I will leave it at that for now.

Best wishes to all,

Alex

Hi Alex - it's great that you share your fears here. I'm sure many have had similar.

You said...

I know where this comes from in my past, but having that knowledge doesn’t always stop the fear.

That's right. Because the fear will have impacted at a biochemical level - forming fixed neural pathways and emotional conditioning that infuses the bodily cells with the chemical response to the fear. That's why there has to be a 'feeling in' approach - basically confronting the situations that cause the reactions. Then to surrender into them with acceptance and trust - this is how they can then unwind over time.

Wishing you well with that

Open Praying Emoji