This last four months I have felt an undercurrent of energy working its way into position, and this weekend was the trigger for a maelstrom that is now working it's way through my system.
Ever since my childhood years I have felt open (though I had no idea what that meant at the time), I felt a great pain come through all the men in my family and this was ever ready to jump into me whenever I expressed part of the masculine. I was unable to handle this, being a sensitive child, and so favoured to explore a feminine quality to my being. Doing so meant that I could see and feel the pain, but meant I was one step removed from the direct experience of it. I would balance this by dipping into intense exercise and martial arts so as to give my masculine an outlet. Doing this gave the masculine energy a chance to work through me, but meant I could side step the pain.
I have come to realise through this weekend that all the males in my family hit a point at which they are unable to relate to their intimate partner. I have watched as a whole host of different circumstances arise so as to block and close intimate expression that both individuals may feel for one another, until many years down the line, both feel resentful and stuck in a recurring cycle of being unable to relate to one another.
I'm also noticing this come through my brother, he and his partner have had a child, the birth was traumatic and as a result, sex is now impossible without anaesthetic.
My own situation feels subtler, there is a wall between my partner and me. She is unable to connect with me.
I all these cases, the men in my family feel such frustration, resentment, inadequacy, that they numb themselves to life and just end up going through the motions.
This I can feel through me.
So when me and my partner came together, I was echoing a feminine energy, and she a masculine. This was needed at the time, and we have worked through many things together with this dynamic. She is also a catalyst.
Recently she has attracted a situation where she gets the opportunity to explore her feminine, this is a great challenge to her and as a result, it has sparked off in me the need to explore my divine masculine.
And as I ride the wave of the masculine, I feel this storm of bloodline karma wash over me, getting more intense as I allow the masculine to work its way into my everyday existence (not just through some controlled outlet of exercise). I feel a strong sense of inadequacy, emptiness, like I want to resolve everything, that I want to work everything out, I feel frustrated that I can't just do it.
All this is quite intense, as I feel myself wanting to grab hold of an identity so that I can use it as a shield and say "this is my deepest purpose"
Truth is, I don't know what my deepest purpose is.
At the moment I feel like I'm emptying, and it scares me.
I thought I had my work cut out when I hit my karma, but this stuff is something else.
Having never consciously engaged with bloodline Karma before I'm still having to find my way blindfolded.