Breaking through Old Patterns and Creating with the Flow

Over the last few months I have been taking a course on Permaculture...meanwhile the interactions with classmates while working on a group project has shown me so much about how I am being...it's really magnified some distortions for me.

We were able to choose groups to work on local projects and build an urban permaculture design. As the groups formed based on locations, I found myself central to all of the projects (geographically). It was clear that one of the teams was incredibly strong knowledge-wise and wouldn't require a lot from me. I would not need to be out front very much and could lean on the team more. I found myself knowing that I was going with the one group that I knew was going to challenge me to step up more.

Right from the start I had the feeling that noone is doing enough, that our project was never going to be as good as it could be because of what I perceived as wishy washy effort. People would show up to meetings and seemingly (to me) just float around with surface level ideas. Then suddenly two out of the four people are not able to commit to the project anymore and had to drop out. Once again I just felt frustrated that people would commit to a team and then not do their part - that they would leave people hanging. When I expressed this to my now only other teammate as well as to my husband at home, it was clear that this was my issue...that people of course CAN quit things, CAN have life events that change their commitment to the project. Now my "normal" way of handling this would be to just do it all on my own - to give up on anyone else helping and just go it alone. I feel my attachment to wanting this project to turn out as good as the other projects in the room...I am dreading standing up there with a subpar presentation.

So overall I have noticed a few things:

1. I don't feel that I am doing enough, I want it all to be perfect, to be beautiful and awesome and this spectacular expression of harmony...but I am pushing, efforting, and judging myself and everyone around me as not living up to my inner expectations ...I can see this as a general pattern for me across all areas of life. I KNOW it can be a beautiful expression, yet all my tension about it is what's not allowing things to unfold. When I was working on my project the other night, with some music playing in my ears, piecing together the plants and the layout of the garden elements, I felt waves and waves of love...warm relaxation and pure bliss. I was not efforting or needing it to be the best project, I was just in the sheer joy of learning, exploring, playing with the things that are inspiring me.

2. I have been operation under a belief that you don't commit to things you can't give your all to, that you don't let others down by quitting, and been quite unforgiving when people have not lived up to this. I can see where this comes from and that it is a judgement on the purpose of the events in our lives and how they should meet my expectations. I also see that this belief would keep me from walking away from things even when it might be for the highest good of me or others.

So, I see it more clearly now, the ways that I project these insecurities and expectations out...Harder for me to see the gifts that want to express here??? perhaps it is authenticity in the yearning toward a beautiful, harmonious expression of what i know is possible.

As far as the accountability and the commitment from others...I know that I am the one that typically slides away from being a leader or from being independently responsible...I always want the team support...maybe the truth here is that the support is through the connection inside and then reflects out and that I AM supported but not the way I am expecting it. (This one keeps coming up =)!)

Thanks for letting me share and of course open to any reflections. <3 Jen

Comments

Hi jen,

It looks like a great exploration - it's great that you put yourself 'out-there' and watch what happens - it will greatly accelerate your journey.

For me a couple of things stand out. This one in particular...

    "I have been operating under a belief that you don't commit to things you can't give your all to."

I recognise this one from my own past. It often happens with someone whose very sincere and very committed - very focused in what they do.

For me now, the creative process is much different. I am still very committed, but the focus has changed. It frequently begins more softly; there's a watching for what is naturally wanting to shape, not forcing things. Steadily as the energy takes a direction, I increasingly feel my part in it which is when focus begins to happen.

But I'm always testing, always feeling. Sometimes the creative act will go only so far and then dwindle. And that might be totally okay. But a lot of the time, the creation does come through aswell.

This stood out too - a very strong impulse you felt...

    "I felt waves and waves of love...warm relaxation and pure bliss."

We've come from a place where things happen by focusing the mind. You hear and read about it everywhere - how to envision what you want etc - actually anticipating and seeing the steps to the 'goal'. But authentic reality just isn't like that! It is much more a sense of feeling, a building of creative consciousness within; a passion a yearning, an upwelling. Often people say this feels like love (although personally I wouldn't always describe it that way).

But as it builds, you're still never quite sure where it's flowing until it does. So I just keep holding the feeling, keep building and keep watching the mirror unfolding around you. Keep intuiting how to act; watch the distortions and open into them. Keep infusing energy and you'll bring a co-creation together. The energy you're holding will take the lead.

Also be prepared that not everyone is anywhere near that place! They'll only get flashes of it, and won't necessarily know why they feel to do something. Nevertheless, let the energy keep building, keep observing and working with it.

You'll gain loads!

Open *OK*

Hi Open,

Thank you - this is all very helpful.
These lines illuminated much of what is going on for me:
"It is much more a sense of feeling, a building of creative consciousness within; a passion a yearning, an upwelling."

"But as it builds, you're still never quite sure where it's flowing until it does. So I just keep holding the feeling, keep building and keep watching the mirror unfolding around you. Keep intuiting how to act; watch the distortions and open into them. Keep infusing energy and you'll bring a co-creation together. The energy you're holding will take the lead."

What I see happening is that my normal way of sort of tackling things - going all in and cranking it out machine style is for sure not working =) Every time I sit to really dig in and "accomplish something", it goes nowhere but into frustration. The frustration is around sensing an outcome as sort of a vibration - like a taste/feel/sound - but my efforts are not bringing it into alignment with that vibration. It's funny thing because I feel like I could draw it out in pencil, but it's not formulating that way. This is an interesting transition for me.

So the feel of that vibration that I described to you in my last message...I never know what to "do" with that...it arises when I am relaxed and engaged in some creative process..,like this one, or sometimes when I am speaking with someone or in a class - anytime really, I supose everything is a creative procee...but the feeling also fades. When I feel it, I drop into it but I have no idea how to be from there...so this is the place from where you say "just keep holding the feeling, keep building and keep watching the mirror unfolding around you. Keep intuiting how to act; watch the distortions and open into them. Keep infusing energy and you'll bring a co-creation together. The energy you're holding will take the lead." It disappears though - is this because in the moment I am not paying attention to the mirror and intuiting how to act from there? (I am mostly just sinking into and enjoying it like a warm tub =)).

Thanks Open!
<3 Jen

Hi jen,

This speaks volumes...

    What I see happening is that my normal way of sort of tackling things - going all in and cranking it out machine style is for sure not working.

When something like this happened for me, I went through quite a protracted period where I'd sense a creative act wanting to happen; I'd follow it right up to the point where it was about to land, but then the field suddenly switched, the energy dissipated and took me in another direction. This went on for about 2 years! It took that long to soften the strength of commitment in me. The old life that I took on had a history of being intensely focused on achievement.

So you do have to work at it, just like a muscle; and it will take time.

I'd say try not to focus too hard on the need for the creation. Don't disregard what appears to be shaping and your connection to the 3D reality, but make sure your attention is really in how you feel to be. Let this build. If you can't immediately see how to act within the situation, then look for a way of expressing it - even if that's unrelated to the event in question.

You will come to discover this energy is creative and works miracles.

I remember spending several years working on this at the Openhand Centre - like for example one day when we were wanting to put a doorway in a wall. We were waiting for a fellow workman we knew, he was always being engaged elsewhere. We kept holding the energy, gathering the tools and the door, waiting for the right moment. Then one day, I just felt to pick up a sledge hammer and take out the wall (it already had a buttress over the top of the proposed doorway fortunately). With the help of a friend, we smashed out the wall. It took several hours until we could finally get the door in. But we were missing some sealant material to fill the gaps around the door frame. At the exact moment we finished and needed it, so appeared our friend who just happened to have the material in his bag!

This happened to us time and again. It was about holding the energy until you feel to express, then trusting the right things will happen - they don't always do, because not everyone is reading from the higher flow. But things do definitely click into place more often. And if they don't, where you continue to hold the energy, the universe always finds another way. It definitely works out in the end.

Open *OK*

Thanks Open - great story about the wall...really makes things more clear for me. I feel quite challenged to question my own need to finish out this project and the ways I think it needs to happen. What I really feel to do is work right here in my yard...in fact a space recently opened up here. My backyard is very shady and it's hard to grow a lot back there, but a section of our deck was close to the ground and my husband tore it out with the plan to replace it. I noticed the sunlight beaming all over this newly uncovered ground and felt inspired to plant a new garden there. However, I have not done it because I feel pressure to work on this project that has a deadline. I can see I am letting that override what I feel. It is very hard to follow what I feel here and know I may not finish the project...one of those moments where you either follow the feeling or go about it all in your regular old safe way. I am going to move toward what I feel to do in the garden here and see what comes =).

Thank you so much!
Jen

That's wonderful - it'll make such a change to your consciousness *OK*

This is exactly how alchemy works. I witness it time and again in the observation of people: 99% would say "well I'll just get that project done, then I'll put my attention on the path and my feelings".

    The point is, our consciousness creates exactly these conundrums, just so that we can feel the inner conflict. If we don't seize the opportunity, we'll simply have to recreate it further on down the path.

Carpedium - seize the day - allow the tightness to rise, then work with it.

And you'll never be able to predict the future in these circumstances. They'll often turn out different that you expected.

Good job!

Open

Thank you Jen for sharing your inspiring story and following your truth! I love it!

Happy gardening and unfolding. *give_rose*

Thank you Open for all the guidance and Fiona for your kind support as well =). What an interesting day I had! I ended up noticing the name of a nursery in our area on a Facebook page I was looking at. I called today and made an appointment to walk through the home based nursery to buy a few plants for my new garden area. It turned out the owner had completed the permaculture course I am taking five year prior. While we looked around at the various plants she had that might work in my yard, we had a great conversation and she was a wealth of knowledge that really helped me shift some things with the design project I am working on. She was of great support and we left each other with a big hug as we had connected so quickly and easily. On my way home, I was behind a car called a rogue... Made me smile...feels great to go rogue on my normal navigation!! Then I see a woman walking down the road with her eyes closed... Being led by a dog. I marveled at how this blind woman walked step by step down the sidewalk without seeing where she is going, but without any hesitation...It felt so vulnerable and open to me and yet strong and unlimited by what she can't see. I felt it pointed to the vulnerability that comes up when you can't see where things are going and that I can just keep stepping. <=

There's only one word.... Amazing!

Hi Jen,

Only just got to read your thread - thanks so much for sharing. You are such a great example of someone who has really jumped "all in" to walking the path in every moment. The way you share about watching your internal feelings and seeing the reflections in the outer mirror is such an inspiration for others. I'm so glad to have met you in person and love to hear how things are unfolding for you. I loved reading this:

"When I was working on my project the other night, with some music playing in my ears, piecing together the plants and the layout of the garden elements, I felt waves and waves of love...warm relaxation and pure bliss. I was not efforting or needing it to be the best project, I was just in the sheer joy of learning, exploring, playing with the things that are inspiring me."

It reminded me of when I had been through my awakening and really deeply connected to nature and all of life. I was making a garden round my new house. I would be out there on my knees, digging in the soil, planting flowers (I was big into flowers back then, not yet into veggies) - just feeling and radiating love. My watch would stop. Sometimes it would be for 40 minutes, sometimes an hour and a half. I never saw it stop, when my "bubble of oneness" broke and it was time to go back indoors, I would look at my watch and the second hand would be going round, yet when I walked into the kitchen, the time on my watch would be 40 mins or 90 mins behind the kitchen clock. I was so at one with everything, time just stood still, there was "no time".

I will love to hear all the amazing revelations you have as you continue your explorations.

With love and hugs,
Lesley

Thank you Lesley for your warm support and sharing. I just loved your story...outside in the dirt is where I feel most at home right now and yes there is a sense of no time in those moments...what an amazing reflection to have your watch actually stop...life sure takes on a magical quality as you notice these moments constantly woven through it all.

Much love,
Jen

Its a pleasure to connect through the ether. I thought of you today as I saw a sign saying "Inneys Lane" - I recalled we had a joke about your inneys on the Sacred Garden blog, some time ago.

;)

Lesley - that is just too funny!!! I have most definitely been on Inney's lane lately...sipping lots of hot tea, learning and exploring new territory, but mostly all from my own kitchen and garden - that tiny world has become a vast learningscape...no need to go far right now! =) Thank you for connecting - and what about you there in the UK, are you on Inney's lane as well? With love, Jen

Yes I'm definitely on Inneys Lane too! My Inneys are all potatoes at the moment, waiting to sprout or "chit" as we call it here, before being planted. I'm gonna put a photo up on the sacred garden blog for you soon xx

That's what is so great about these explorations, the whole worlds that open up when you follow a pull! Keep inspiring others, Jen! :-)

Hi Lesley! Wow! I am doing the precisely same thing =)...have a windowsill full of tiny spuds in jars of water at the moment...a few have started to sprout (or chit as you say - i like that!) Are you going to take the sprouts and root them in water before planting or just plant the sprouts right into the soil? Looking at those jars makes me a laugh a bit because they look so animated...mine are suspended in the water with toothpicks on each side to hold them up. Looks like a group of dancing potatoes =)!! CAn't wait to see a pic of the sacred garden! WIth love, Jen

Very cool Trinity! I just planted some borage, calendula, dill and cilantro... Also trying yarrow, sage and some other flowers. I usually just so veg but am excited to welcome more bees and butterflies into the garden =) happy planting!!