Over the last few months I have been taking a course on Permaculture...meanwhile the interactions with classmates while working on a group project has shown me so much about how I am being...it's really magnified some distortions for me.
We were able to choose groups to work on local projects and build an urban permaculture design. As the groups formed based on locations, I found myself central to all of the projects (geographically). It was clear that one of the teams was incredibly strong knowledge-wise and wouldn't require a lot from me. I would not need to be out front very much and could lean on the team more. I found myself knowing that I was going with the one group that I knew was going to challenge me to step up more.
Right from the start I had the feeling that noone is doing enough, that our project was never going to be as good as it could be because of what I perceived as wishy washy effort. People would show up to meetings and seemingly (to me) just float around with surface level ideas. Then suddenly two out of the four people are not able to commit to the project anymore and had to drop out. Once again I just felt frustrated that people would commit to a team and then not do their part - that they would leave people hanging. When I expressed this to my now only other teammate as well as to my husband at home, it was clear that this was my issue...that people of course CAN quit things, CAN have life events that change their commitment to the project. Now my "normal" way of handling this would be to just do it all on my own - to give up on anyone else helping and just go it alone. I feel my attachment to wanting this project to turn out as good as the other projects in the room...I am dreading standing up there with a subpar presentation.
So overall I have noticed a few things:
1. I don't feel that I am doing enough, I want it all to be perfect, to be beautiful and awesome and this spectacular expression of harmony...but I am pushing, efforting, and judging myself and everyone around me as not living up to my inner expectations ...I can see this as a general pattern for me across all areas of life. I KNOW it can be a beautiful expression, yet all my tension about it is what's not allowing things to unfold. When I was working on my project the other night, with some music playing in my ears, piecing together the plants and the layout of the garden elements, I felt waves and waves of love...warm relaxation and pure bliss. I was not efforting or needing it to be the best project, I was just in the sheer joy of learning, exploring, playing with the things that are inspiring me.
2. I have been operation under a belief that you don't commit to things you can't give your all to, that you don't let others down by quitting, and been quite unforgiving when people have not lived up to this. I can see where this comes from and that it is a judgement on the purpose of the events in our lives and how they should meet my expectations. I also see that this belief would keep me from walking away from things even when it might be for the highest good of me or others.
So, I see it more clearly now, the ways that I project these insecurities and expectations out...Harder for me to see the gifts that want to express here??? perhaps it is authenticity in the yearning toward a beautiful, harmonious expression of what i know is possible.
As far as the accountability and the commitment from others...I know that I am the one that typically slides away from being a leader or from being independently responsible...I always want the team support...maybe the truth here is that the support is through the connection inside and then reflects out and that I AM supported but not the way I am expecting it. (This one keeps coming up =)!)
Thanks for letting me share and of course open to any reflections. <3 Jen