Brick wall fluffy head

I want to share my journey with you as I’m feeling stuck with my head in a cotton cloud. My journey began in my late teens, walking the dog throughout the seasons, watching the cycle of life rotating in a fascinating circle, feeling myself as part of that. Looking at the stars, imagining the planets and comparing them to cells and organs within myself. I felt intricately linked to everything inside and outside of myself. I studied and worked hard and pushed myself out of the box which a duff education dealt me and felt proud of myself for breaking free from this.
By my early twenties I had achieved what wanted to at work and left to go travelling for a year after bumping into an old friend who suggested it. I packed up my flat, handed in my notice and started my solo trip. Of course I faced many of my fears and encountered many dodgy situations while I was away but always rose to the challenge to overcome them. I think solo travel is such a good spirit builder!
I had several years of more travelling, volunteering and doing temp jobs. I then had my first child who I bought up alone for the first couple of years. I also needed to get a decent job to support this, so did all my teacher training on the days she was at nursery and at night when she was asleep.
I met my partner when she was 3. He’s a fantastic guy, so supportive of me. We had a baby 3 years ago. Family life is busy but great, I am so blessed. But of course it’s not without its emotional ups and downs especially having a teenager in the house!
We both became veggie a year ago and 3 months ago we became vegan, a choice which I will never go back on. I practise yoga weekly, which I simply love, the challenge of the postures and watching of the body and mind is fascinating. I meditate twice a week (I’d love to do more) and have done so for several years. I read many books, love nature, love to sing, dance, run around naked, hug, kiss, smile, laugh……but why do I feel like I’m up against a brick wall with cotton wool in my brain?
What is this, what’s happening, why should I feel like this??
Sorry if this sounds a bit wooden! I always feel like I can’t say what I think or more to the point think about what I think (hence the cotton wool!)
By the way thank you so much to Open and Trinity and everyone else who contributes to the forum, I’m sure there are loads of readers but non writers out there like me, your writings hold tremendous value to me x

Comments

It’s been interesting observing myself, while waiting for any responses from my post. I’ve really noticed how uncertain I feel about putting something ‘out there’. I think throughout my life I’ve always felt that I haven’t been listened to or that my values and opinions have been brushed aside. A longing part of my sees how other people have these lovely well thought out, succinct dialogues which they can seem to produce with no thought what so ever.
I also get strong feelings of uncertainty at work, like I’m blagging what I do. Why do I still feel like this after 12 years of doing the same job? Admittedly I’ve always done things by the skin of my teeth, with a smile and a wink; so much has fallen into my lap. I can honestly say I have always felt guided and have been in the right place at the right time for things to work out for me. I can feel that warm embrace of love that everything will be as it should be, as it has been and as it will always be.

Hi Jolucy,

Thanks for sharing :)

You say "I always feel like I can’t say what I think or more to the point think about what I think". I know this or my similar experience well and am now smiling in recognition :)

I've drafted a few further paragraphs, though none felt quite right, looks like I may have some cotton wool too! Just wanted to let you know that you are among friends and that I appreciate your post!

Namaste, Fiona

Dear Jo,

There are many similarities between our journeys. From the travels in my 20s to being a single mom; to loving books, nature and hugs. I also have a teenager at home. I look up to the sky and feel as if I were looking inside of myself. A curious feeling. I often feel like diving into the starry sky and merging with all that’s out there. And that’s also me (all out there).

You said:
“Why do I feel like I’m up against a brick wall with cotton wool in my brain? What is this, what’s happening, why should I feel like this??”

I do not know why, but as Fiona said, you are among friends, so keep on sharing. One thing I’ve learned (and am still learning) from the Openhand folks is to try to be ok with the feelings that arise and go deeper into them without attempting to change them.

Take care.

Margaret

Dear Jolucy,
what you describe about not being able to think reminds me very much of what Hilary Hart writes in her book "The Unknown She". She experienced this on several situations when visiting woman mystics. The energy of the divine feminine pulls one into the heart, the emotions and the body and the linear, masculine mind no longer functions. Deep feeling and knowing, female wisdom, predominate. From how you describe yourself and your journey it could well be that you are in strong sync with the energy of the divine feminine and of the Earth, which could lead to these "disturbances" of the mind. Hilary Hart wrote another book, "The Body of Wisdom" in which she reveals how women's bodies are in direct connection with the energies of the Earth and of creation. She writes of the powers all women embody and the need for these powers to be lived right now on earth.
You might resonate with that, but in any case it's really worth while reading these books.
Wishing you well,
Helen

Thank you for your encouragement and for the space x Also for the book recommendations, hopefully I'll be able to relate to something in them which will help me to help myself overcome this 'block'.
x