Every time I read your open and honest sharings here, I feel so much gratitude! Gratitude for the resonance (and sometimes confrontation) of so many of your words with my own journey…. An encouragement to share more of my own journey with you! So here you go:
Reading the new 5 Gateways book, Open writes somewhere: ‘To some, it will feel as though you are being brought to the very edge of sanity….‘, which was somehow reassuring to read, because going through the many waves of density arising at my shores, I do sometimes feel as if I am losing my sanity, wondering who or what I am, whether I am actually anything at all, or whether I might just be an illusion, that I don’t really exist in the first place……
As I have been sharing in some of the other threads, I have been in between jobs for a while and struggling with the just being vs. feeling a pull to doing (which might just be a disguise of the ego). I have been exploring where this urge for doing comes from and realized that the ‘doing’ gives me a sense of being visible, whereas just being gives me a sense of being invisible. And diving into this sense of ‘being invisible’ feels absolutely excruciating. It is somehow linked to feeling isolated and lonely, of going unnoticed and unsupported, the feeling that my life doesn’t really matter, that there is no difference whether I am dead or alive, because I am invisible anyway. This is a feeling that has arisen in my life before (though I didn’t recognize it as being invisible at those times), and it would often give rise to questions such as ‘does my life really matter, or might I as well be dead?’ , ‘if I were to drop dead right now, how long would it take before anyone would notice?’. Being invisible feels very empty, without a good reason to continue living, and then at the same time as I am writing this, I am wondering whether it is mostly the ego suffering here…. That just being makes the ego feel invisible, on the verge of dead, so it creates this desperate urge to start doing and become visible again.
The good thing about it is that the feeling of being invisible is turning out to be a very effective tool for confrontation, just imagining being invisible immediately takes me into a very deep pain, a pain that feels like a bottomless pit….
with love and gratitude!