The big issue

The day before

On the Sunday after Boxing Day, I was on the way from the airport to Glastonbury to the New Year's retreat 2015 and saw a sign with THE BIG ISSUE on a brick building standing in front of a tall cylindrical building all in glass, looking silver. On the side of the brick building stood two smallish elephants carrying something like a chimney or a tower each on their backs. The sign of the Tube station: Vauxhall, the home of the KIA Oval.
(I wanted to post the photos but it didn't work.)

So what's the big issue?

That tower looked pretty phallic, to me. Could be the best bit of the divine masculine...
Or a space ship into the 5th dimension?
Or is it the tower of Babylon?
And what about the two elephants carrying chimneys or towers on their backs?
And KIA in Vauxhall (they probably took over the British car brand)?

Anyway I don't have a definite answer, but this message has been going round in my mind since I saw it and one thing that resonates is that this journey, unleashing my soul, coming back home, is one helluva big issue for me! And for humanity the journey of ascension. And the crumbling 3D reality all around us. It's just exploding right now in this new year (the economy in China, the crisis in the Middle East and so on).

All my life, big things have happened, well mostly, in January. Including my birth day. Tomorrow I will have terminated the 9th cycle of 7 years. A really special moment with such a new perspective. Even the year before last I was worrying about getting Alzheimer's or Dementia like my mother and other relatives and about the future in general. Last year I had lost most of my fears and had started trusting that all would be cared for but I never dreamt that I could maybe be a star soul, I didn't even know what that was till a some months ago. Wow! And before the retreat I felt very shy about posting and now I've got my own thread! Let's get going boys and girls!

Happy to share my journey with you!


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Longing is the core of mystery.
Longing itself brings the cure.
The only rule is, Suffer the pain.


yes, Trin, oh yes...
And I know you've touched this space of nothingness, the beyondness of beyond, the place of no place, this "yin abyss", this feminine cosmic womb a long-long time ago. And how it evaporates through you and your everyday doings in life <3

Helen, my dearest,
I hope my last night sharing to you about 2nd World War Budapest women raped by both German and Russian soldiers (about how war energy gets passed down through the generations even to present day women whom I see in consultations or the birth rooms, and all), was not too much <3

And yes -- containing the frequency of (capital letter) Unconditional Love (some do name it Kundalini, but I feel that term got corrupted along the way, so I choose not to) ... So containing this energy in the past years has been one 'helluva' spiritual practice of mine, but I would not ever want to change it for anything else! It is a very clean, burning, purifying, evolutionary energy -- meaning it slowly puts everything into the flames so to stand in the middle of this fire is very exhausting, and unsettling. No wonder we fear we cannot containing it...

There are moments, blessed moments, of being lost - and found again. I try to focus on those ones.

To me, musically, this second movement of Ravel's Concerto in G major (Adagio Assai, played by Zimerman) expresses those intangible moments of dynamic peace that can be felt in the beyondness of things... It's one of my most favourite pieces of music, EVER... It's a slow building one, so bear with it, if you wish, it starts happening in the second half <3

holding your sisterly hands, of you both, in graditude,

Thank you so much for the sharing, Réka. Yes, of course, one makes these experiences on the way of the soul to self realisation and unity.

I think one must reach a certain stage in one's development to be able to "contain" the frequency of Love, reflections of the twin flame, unconditional love, divine love, whatever one wants to call it. As I experienced earlier on in my journey, this energy was too strong for me to bear. It isn't compatible with a low frequency, just as kundalini isn't. Love and kundalini are probably the same energy as universal life force and have the same intensity. Therefore the quest after having tasted Love briefly, is the overcoming of base instincts, emotions, the step by step transformation and death of the ego.

I found the video on the work in Tamera that you posted on your thread, the Healing of the Divine Feminine, very interesting and important. The community in Tamera took the vow to find out the reason for war and they look for it in themselves and in their relationships with each other. Quote: "There can be no peace on earth as long as there is war in love." They strive to live together in peace and this means for them confronting their fears. They experience love and intimacy as emotions that awaken fear, which then leads to strife and conflicts.

Here is the link again, for who's interested:

I understand that war, whether on the personal or or the societal level, is the logical consequence of not being capable of loving unconditionally. Love and fear are in fact not opposites but can exist at the same time in a person. The opposite of love will therefore be hate, which is the complementary emotion, the other side of the coin, in a person or society that live on a low, 3D level. So on this level, there can be no peace, as unconditional love cannot exist.


... Today in the morning I was reading Llewellyn's newest book, and meditated on the following lines by him. It just feels like weaving into your sharing -- at least in my reading. Please do continue your life story - it's healing to read it.

Relationships teach us so much because they always include a fair share (aspects of) love. Sadly, most people are only happy with the crumbs from the table of love, not its completeness. Real Love is anything but syrupy sentimentality: it is all-demanding intensity, burning all veils and facades away, if one dares to let it slowly burn away the distortions.

"Love is not interested in neuroses or problems. It is too free; it is too potent. It gets between the cracks of your defenses. It is like a perfume; it isn't there and it is there and you want it but you're terrified of it. You long for it even if you know it may cause you unbelievable suffering -- you don't care."

And my main meditational lines today that I felt to share reading you:

"Love can lead you not just toward union, but also into nothingness. The very presence of love is also absence. If there's love, there's no "you" because it would take up the space where love is. And yet, love needs you: You are needed to bring love into the world, the emptier you are, the more love flows through you."
Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee, For Love of the Real (2015)

So these experiences are about us growing up, yes, and/but mostly about growing beyond ourselves... Self realisation is a stage along the path. But it is not the end of the journey.

I had been living a little more than four years in Germany with my boyfriend, W., who I had met in Lebanon. I got on well with W. who was easy-going. I didn't love him, which meant that I wasn't so vulnerable. As he paid attention to me and was nice, everything was okay. I went to university and liked studying, had friends and was enjoying life.

One evening we were invited to a friend's birthday party. There I met H. It was quite dark in the room, so we could hardly see each other, but as we danced we were both struck by lightening out of the blue. The moment I met him, love burned itself into my whole being.

I had found my love, my saviour. I felt as if I was a small child in the arms of my mother again, held in tender love. But with this feeling came the terror of being abandoned. After only a short period of bliss I ended my relationship with H. I thought my heart would literally break apart, but the love and the fear were too intense, too much to bear.

However we met again and again and about a year and a half later, I left W. for H. Soon after we had taken a flat together, all the masks I had been wearing fell away and bared the needy, love-hungry, helpless, fearful child. With this H. became an overpowering, controlling, unattainable father. My Ray 2 was very dominant and distorted, as was his Ray 1. We both had suppressed the Rays in ourselves that were dominant in the other. We were perfect mirrors for each other.

Only now have I understood why we went through years of misery and loneliness together and never were able to part. The only explanation that makes any sense is that we are soul mates. We met each other very early in our journey in this incarnation, when we were fast asleep and completely unaware, to help each other on our spiritual journey. Both of us felt continually the pull to flee, to end the relationship, but the underlying pull of our souls was always stronger. We were incapable of separating. I thought we were codependent, which is certainly true in the 3D reality, but I always felt there was something else holding us together, a deep feeling of belonging together. As I finally understood a short time ago, thanks to Openhand, I had to laugh and thought: Thank goodness I've already met my soul mate. That's done with and over!

The journey I underwent with H. was an inner journey, this time not one across the world. It was the search for the holy grail, the search for the twin flame whose reflection we had seen in each other. It is by no means over, but now I can see the underlying plan, the purpose of it all as well as the guidance we received. It was the typical journey described in myths and fairy tales, the mystical journey we are all undertaking:
Prince and princess meet and are instantly separated by a witch or sorcerer, or the prince is turned into a beast or the princess into a frog. Then one of them has to search for the lost love, cross ranges of towering mountains and death-bringing deserts, voyage over wide oceans to the end of the world, kill dragons, fulfil countless tasks, bear hardnesses and misfortune, never knowing whether the beloved is still alive and can be saved.

In this relationship I was forced to grow up, to rely on myself, to fight for myself, to love myself, to take responsibility for my feelings, thoughts and decisions. It was a long, long journey. It's good to know why all the pain and suffering had to be, was necessary, inevitable. Why a normal, tepid, superficial life would not have served. It was a crucible.

Found it thank you... :)
I'm actually at the end of facilitating a 5 day long womans circle, starting with pregnant ladies and now in the past 3 days working directly with sacred womb energy and healing... I'm sending a warm WHOOSH of all of it your way! ;)
May it be received in the glowing softness of its source.

Lovely Réka,
I have answered you on the new etheric moon circle forum.
Thank you from all my heart,
With love,

Dear Helen,
It is very touching for me (for various and partly personal reasons) to read your sharing, blessed be this world where we can all connect. :)

Tonight is Full Moon and I was reminded of the experience you described above of seeing a special halo around the moon. Such an empowering vision!

If you dont mind my sharing, since you mentioned you were trying to find information about what you then saw: in daoist tradition there is a specific healing practice for women called 'lunar gazing'. It simply involves doing what you described have spontaneously done. It's quite a complex practice with movements and hand positions and breathing but the fact is: it probably is enough simply to align the main channel, connect heaven and earth, so to speak, and join the moon's energies into the game. Heart and Womb centres are likely to be heated up, also a movement of vital, etheric fluids start moving, like sap in a tree trunk.

Gazing at it, the moon tends to go through a transformational 4 stage process (in fact it's the result of her effect on our energy bodies and hence our changing perception). First it looks normal, second it starts to develop a halo (as you said) but it's a different halo of light from what the moon normally gives off, and can turn purplish, though this can vary from person to person. After that this glow will expand out from the moon like a ring and separate from the moon's borders. Some can even hear a low hum (I haven't ever). Last stage is, the moon begins to flicker like almost shaking in different directions. Pulsing is the best word to describe it. This perception is a result of our energy and moon's energy to start interacting and regulating. For modern women it can be first hard to quiet their energy system enough to resonate with the moon's Yin, a cool and delicate magnetic force but in ancient, more woman centred cultures it was common practice to gaze at the moon or sleep under the moon - as part of their self healing, and aligning the menstrual flow with the moon's cycles, or for more mature women to keep this etheric biorhythm after the female inner agents (aka hormones) of the cycle give their potency to serve different bodily, and spiritual functions.

I hope I didn't get too scholarly in the description but it feels lovely to join in your discussion about the moon, and else.

Wishing you a beautiful Full Cold Moon to night and may it help you find and connect with the sisters of your etheric moon circle.

With deep, respectful and grateful love to you for bearing down your fruits into this life,

Hi Helen,

I'd be delighted to connect and explore with you and anyone else who feels to join in. Why don't you (or anyone else interested) send me an email and we can explore dates and times...etc. ( Let's see what might want to unfold... feels positive *good*

With love and a big hug to you, Fiona

Hi Fiona,

many, many thanks, and a big hug! Yes, I don't want to force anything, it has to flow...

We had talked about your feeling to start or join a new circle, too. Till then, does the idea of our meeting in the ether once a month or even once a week appeal to you? Maybe others would like to join in and we could share what arises during the sessions. It's not the same as sitting together, of course and I feel that this is very important. But after all, time and space are just an illusion and who knows, it might help the flow...

Much love,

Hi Helen,

Fantastic that you are putting your pull for a women's cirlce out into the ether. I sat with the pull for a women's circle for probably a year or more before it came to fruition. It felt like the right people had to appear and I had things to explore and unfold before it all fell into place and when it did it was very powerful. We went deep very quick.

We didn't have a particular person lead or hold the space. It felt important to me that we were all equal within the circle, sometimes different people would lead an activity as it flowed. It was a closed circle and again this felt important so we could get to know one another intimately and develop a sense of trust and safety. I love the idea of holding "the space for the energy to flow" - that certainly gets my vote :)

I'm not part of a women's circle at the moment as I moved location, though watching for possibilities that feel right...

May the right outcome unfold for you, those you share and sit in circle with are blessed.

With love, Fiona

It's the greatest joy to know that my incarnation serves a higher purpose. I still don't know what that is, but I trust that I will be shown when the time comes.

That's what I wrote yesterday evening. Then I thought of a tremendous sign I was given some years ago. One evening I stepped outside. It was a full moon night. The moon stood exactly in the centre of a perfect, delicate ring of clouds. A few minutes later the clouds were dissipated by the wind. I had no doubt that this magical apparition had been created for me.

I looked up moon circles on the web then, but didn't see or read of anything similar to what I had seen. There were pics of moon haloes and information about women's moon circles, too, but nothing resonated strongly.

Today I looked up moon circles again and found a site called The Wild Woman Moon Circle. They meet once a month at new moon and have monthly themes. January is in the sign of Capricorn (my sign), the third and final earth sign and the archetype of the Grandmother.

They quoted a Hopi prophecy:
"When the grandmothers speak the world will heal."

During the New Years retreat Open called me an elder and suggested my holding women's circles. This felt very right and appropriate. In fact, I had wanted to meet a Sufi lady in Glastonbury who holds a weekly women's circle as I felt very drawn to her intuitive, creative and open approach. She doesn't actually lead the circles but holds the space for the energy to flow. We weren't able to meet this time, though.

I'm putting this out into the ether for it to grow.

Thanks a lot for your exploration of aloneness, Fiona. This resonates deeply with me as it has been a major issue in my life.

When I was 18 I found myself in Germany. When I was just 8 I had gone to the Congo with my mother and baby sister, to join my father who had been posted there. We lived there for over two years and after a couple of months in Mauritius, packing our stuff, we followed him to the Lebanon. We lived there together (my 5 years older brother had come with us this time) for 7 years, then I spent two years in Bristol, at a boarding school, to take my A Levels. When I finished school my parents were about to leave the Lebanon with my younger sister to go to Afghanistan.

At that time I met a German guy in Lebanon who was on holiday there. We fell in love and spent 10 days together before he returned to Hamburg. He put an awful lot of pressure on me to go and live with him and as I didn't know where to go anyway, I did. I didn't speak a word of German, W. was a complete stranger and I had quickly fallen out of love, so I was terrified.

Germany was the fourth foreign country I had gone to live in in a period of 10 years during my childhood and adolescence when one normally develops a personality. I had been totally uprooted, was extremely insecure and had practically no orientation. What I had really learnt to perfection was to observe the people I was with and the situations I found myself in and to adapt, to merge. I had practically no judgmentalism, because one has to have an opinion to be able to make a judgment. It wouldn't have felt safe having an opinion and anyway I didn't have any.

There was one situation that I remember vividly. I had been in Hamburg only for a very short time, I was with W. in his room, and he wasn't looking at me. He was busy doing something. It suddenly felt as if I had disappeared into thin air, even my body. A terrifying engulfing void had opened. There was "nobody at home". Just nothingness. The mirror was gone and I was gone with it.

I wrote this very much later:

Never dare reach out to the stars
Cling on tightly
It's your only chance

During the next 20 years or so I studied, worked, had children and gradually developed an (adequate) personality. Then the whole house of cards collapsed. I had been living under such a degree of stress that at one point it all imploded. I had built up my false self unconsciously, in complete and utter darkness, and after my breakdown I began to perceive it, to get acquainted with it, to explore it and gradually, over the further 20 years that followed, to slowly, slowly overcome it. I practiced getting over the fear of being on my own, for short periods of time. I have never lived alone until now, though. Now I am alone and in silence many hours every day and this is so nourishing, so rejuvenating and delightful.

I believe the false self is an absolutely necessary factor in our journey, our first task in life is to create it and the second is to overcome or integrate it, and to return to the One. Ideally, of course. Most people get stuck in the first stage.

My tough old bird has been smouldering in the cinders for quite some time now! I recon it'll be cooked soon.

Thank you so much for you kind feedback, Fiona and Auntyangel. It means a lot to me.
Love, Helen

There is something so clean about your writing. Thank you.


Sacrificial lamb
Little white girl
Be still!
Don't breathe too loud
Danger's lurking behind the door
Death is coming to grab you

I wrote this poem a long time ago. I have just realised that my feelings of being a victim as well as being guilty, have their roots in the Congo.

A few days ago I would have said that the Congo was like being in hell after having been thrown out of heaven. But now I believe that it wasn't hell, it was purgatory - a purification. I never went hungry, haven't been beaten, molested, tortured or raped, I never have been homeless or a refugee, lost, a slave or a prostitute, so many terrible things that happen to millions of people all over the world all the time. That I would truly call hell.

My karma led me to the situation in the Congo and I continued producing mirrors for my feelings of being guilty, abandoned, homesick, in danger and in despair, victimised and terrified for the major part of my life. I now no longer feel defined by these feelings. I hope I will recognise them if and when they arise again.

Last night in bed I couldn't stop thinking about what I wanted to write today. My mind was full of words. I couldn't go to sleep. That is actually not something new for me. When I was still working in the matrix, I couldn't relax and switch off and would lie awake for hours on end. Then I started meditating in bed instead of tossing and turning and getting agitated. This has become a wonderful habit and I meditate at least one hour every night, mostly more, even 3 hours or so. But yesterday it was neither comfortable nor resting. I had got lost in lower mind. My ego had perked it's ugly head and I was no longer in the flow. So I felt to hear a meditation because I wasn't be able to relax on my own. I was led to Open's Higher Guidance meditation. It was just what I needed and was beautiful. I was led into the higher realms and could then go to sleep.

So this morning I pondered on what this is all about. I feel to share my journey but this doesn't mean my writing an autobiographical account. And I am not to desecrate this space with a mere story, as entertaining as it might be.

And I thought of what I had written down only yesterday:

keep our eyes open
and our heads above water...

At this time in history,
we are to take nothing personally,
least of all ourselves,
for the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey
comes to a halt.
Banish the word struggle
from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do must be done
in a sacred manner."

Now I feel that "to keep our eyes open and our head out of the water" means I should stay aware, keep my spiritual eyes open and not go under in the water of lower mind. The moment my small i was involved, I felt the flow had stopped. And I had been struggling.

So maybe I had been in the flow after all, because I was given the guidance I had asked for and was shown how the Hopi message is telling me to be right now.

All that I do must be done in a sacred manner.

In March 1960 my little sister was born. Shortly before her birth, a violent cyclone devastated the island. In the middle of the year, my eldest brother left for Scotland where he was going to university and my father left for Paris as he had started a new career with Unesco. After his briefing in the French headquarters of Unesco, he was posted in the former Belgian Congo. The Congolese had thrown out the Belgians who had been a murderous colonial power and the country was torn in a bloody civil war. The UN troops had been sent there to try and keep things manageable, I believe mainly because the Congo had very rich mineral resources, from diamonds to gold, copper and manganese.

My father spent Christmas alone there. When my mother heard he had eaten a tin of crab meat all alone for lunch at Christmas, she decided to join him, although the families of the UN staff were not allowed to do so as it was too dangerous.

The Hopi message

There is a river flowing now, very fast.
It's so great and swift that there are those
who will feel afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are torn apart
and will suffer greatly.

Know that the river has its destination.
The elders say that we must let go of the shore,
push off into the middle of the river,
keep our eyes open,
and our heads above water.

And I say,
see who is in there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history,
we are to take nothing personally,
least of all ourselves,
for the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey
comes to a halt.

The time for the lone wolf is over.
Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle
from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do must be done
in a sacred manner.

We are the ones we've been waiting for."

On the retreat I jumped into the deep end and am being swept down with the current. It is a joy and comfort to know that we are many and that we are protected. It's good to have got rid of a lot of ballast beforehand, though. It makes it easier to keep my head above water.

In Mauritius the place we lived in was called Vacoas-Phoenix, it was a twin village then, now it has merged into a town together with Curepipe, where the hospital is where I was born. Curepipe is a funny name, it means pipe-cleaner! It's the only place on earth called like that! :)

No more leaking of energy out of the solar plexus and heart chakras, I feel it now in my chest!


On the first day we were invited to share what we expected from the retreat. I said I wanted to go deep. Then we were asked to think of situations when we got tight during the past year and I couldn't think of any real problem. It had been the best year of my (adult) life, I had been at peace with myself and in the flow and still was. So I floated comfortably on the surface.

On the second day, still no tightness. The others started sharing their fears and pain, tears flowed, the energy got denser. Still nothing of my own arose, except that I was aware all along that deep inside there was my source pain, the sadness, heaviness, longing and homesickness I had felt all my life. While listening to the sharings I felt such a pressure on my temples, though, that I had to keep my eyes closed, there was also a lot of pressure in my crown chakra. My energy was shooting our of my solar plexus.

I had felt the energy being sucked out of my solar plexus for the first time more than 20 years ago, a strong flow of energy creating chaos in and all around me. It had got softer over the years and had recently shifted to my heart chakra too. Although it wasn't as painful as it used to be, I still usually woke up several times during the night from this feeling. I needed an awful lot of sleep and lacked energy during the day.

Open said it was karma.

On the third day we were ready to confront our source pain. Open and the facilitators had created a space of intense energy and as a special guest we had the fallen Angel of Light to assist us on our journey. We had been placed in dyads, pairs sitting opposite each other, in a long row, an energy tunnel. We were invited to let ourselves to be led to a place and a partner. The energy was rising, outside a storm raging and rain battering on the glass roof. Open played a Joe Cocker song (if I'm right) and the line: "I've been waiting for this (...) all my life, O Lord" shot through me, whoosh .... and bang, right into the core of my being. O Lord, my soul had been yearning and aching for this all my life, my entire life! And I started to sob and sobbed and sobbed.

After that we sat down and Open led us through the energy bodies, starting at the base chakra. That one felt okay to me. I had calmed down again. Others started crying and sobbing. He proceeded to emotional traumas, and to make sure we didn't get away with anything, to the abuse of the Divine Feminine by the not-so divine masculine, as he put it. And the crying, wailing, groaning and sobbing rose like a tidal wave and filled the room full of women and two brave, strong and gentle men. I went deep, so deep and let it all out, doubled up on a cushion on the floor. Afterwards I felt so free and washed clean.

On the fifth day, New Year's Day, we were invited to go outside, freewheeling. I stepped out of the door of the retreat house and SAW the sun. it was shining brightly in an otherworldly light through the thick clouds. I stood motionless for nearly an hour, gazing at the Sun that was showed to me in this pristine light and beautiful dancing colours, stunned, amazed and awed, shivering. The people passing by were unaware of all this beauty in the sky.

The vision passed and I moved towards the gate leading to the main road. A friendly big man with a pendant hanging around his neck passed by me with a smile and entered the Chalice Well garden. Following him were a young couple with a muzzled Dalmatian tugging on its lead, also wanting to go into the garden. The energy of these three was dense, heavy and uncanny. They stood a few minutes there, then turned away and proceeded on the main road towards the spring house.

I turned on my steps and felt a pull to return to our meeting room. There I was able to witness Joanna's joy. She was sobbing and laughing, crying out: "I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I love you Open! I love you Penny! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!!!" She was lying on the floor and after a while she stood up on wobbly legs, not knowing
whether her feet would hold her, and was delighted as they did. She then sang her beautiful song in her heavenly voice, full of joy, and the tears were streaming down my face.

What a miraculous New Year's Day! On what a Magical Mystery Tour we have been taken! My heart is overflowing with gratefulness and love. Three rockets on New Year's Eve: Unconditional Love, Love and More Love. Yes! Yes! Yes! Eternal Love, All-encompassing Love, Sweet Mother Love, Divine Love, our Essence, LIFE!

I feel so blessed.

I lived the first years of my life in the Garden of Eden. I was born in Mauritius in a family of French origin. My ancestor who came to Mauritius around the time of the French Revolution was said to have been a Rosicrucian and a companion of the Count of Saint Germain.

The family became very wealthy as landowners who grew sugar cane and owned sugar factories. Their wealth was built on the labour of slaves from Madagascar and south-east Africa, later of Indian labourers.

My family belonged to a small minority of Protestants and were outsiders on the island as the other French-Mauritians were all Catholics. They belonged to the New Church, which is grounded on the teachings of Emmanuel Swedenborg, a Swedish scientist and mystic of the 18th century who had had visions of heaven and hell and had channeled the esoteric meaning of the bible.

When I was born, my family no longer had much money but we still lived a life of abundance. We lived on the very large property of my grandparents. There was a huge garden, surrounded by woods. My grandparents lived on the ground floor of a big house and on the first floor lived my aunt and uncle with their four children. We had a pavilion next door to ourselves, my parents, my three older siblings and myself. My other aunt and her husband and three daughters lived about 500 metres further across the main road. We always all ate together at lunchtime in the big house and I played the whole day outside, barefoot, with my two cousins, who were one and two years older than I was. We had a large vegetable garden and fruit trees and my aunt held chickens. We had servants: a cook, a maid, a woman who washed the clothes and I had a nanny. My grandparents and the other families had servants of their own. What's more there was a gardener and several women who kept the garden clean and tidy.

My father was a lovely Irishman (a Protestant from the south of Ireland!) who had come to Mauritius as a young man and worked as a civil servant for the British colonial administration.

I am told that I was a gentle and easy child and was loved and cherished by everybody. So I lived in paradise, until the day my parents left us children in the care of our grandparents for a journey. My father was granted home leave every five or six years. Before leaving, about the time of my 2nd birthday, my mother hugged, cuddled and kissed me for days on end and I was in the 7th heaven.

They left when I was asleep and when I woke up I was told they had gone off for a walk. My big sister consoled me with biscuits and we played with the cat. Six months later a man and a woman came to live with us and I was told they were my parents, but I couldn't remember. I could never trust again.

All of this I heard of later, much later, as an adult, after I had regressed into the despair and terror of abandonment during a therapy. Now, I believe I must have created these circumstances because of an ancient karmic wound of having felt forsaken by the Great Mother, the Goddess, at a time when I had lived in total harmony with her. I must say it's only a feeling, a good guess, as I have no memories of anything of the kind.

Thank you so much for your kind words and wishes. I had a lovely peaceful day and am very curious and excited about what awaits me this year and in the next 7. I feel so blessed to have found my soul family and to have the support and guidance I have longed for so much, so long.

I have just finished writing about my first lag of the journey. Enjoy!

All my love,

Hey Helen,

Lovely to read your sharing. You are a truly special star soul (a)

Hope you are having an awesome birthday.

Sending you best wishes for your continued unfolding and whatever the next 7 years may bring.

With much love, Fiona

Thanks, Open,

I'll sit with that. It does resonate, but somehow the energy is more a rising than a breaking down. Maybe the rising of my ray one, the warrior.

I just remembered what I saw a few months ago: on two occasions a huge majestic black bird flew over our house. The second time it really gripped me, I felt this was my totem animal I had long been hoping would show itself. I found out that this bird was a purple heron. Herons are said to be messengers from the other world. The purple heron looks as if it has been burned, is black with red streaks. The Phoenix.

Hi Helen,

Thanks for the sharing and for being here. :-)

If you're interested in a perspective, maybe the "Big Issue" is the shattering of the glass tower that is the false self?

Check it with the universe and see what comes back.