Lia's sharing

And sharing is caring.
Have been through a lot.
Still going through a lot.
And aren't we all carrying this moment in the best way we can?

Love to you all, just as you are.


So after my recent transformation, 3 months after my unborn baby's death and the following insomnia till the point of delirium, at this very moment, I am hospitalised in an asylum, pills, bruises, disempowerment, all that cool stuff. But also loads of kindness and grace and, of course, lessons :)

"Fun" :)

It is like some kind of accelerated combat training, trigger after trigger, shadow after shadow, my past is hunting me and I turn to face it and fuse it with the present. A warrior is rising. Peace in one hand, a sword in another.

I am in a horrible pain, on all levels, but the funny thing is that I see beauty and good in everything that is going on. As if God is shining through everything...

So much learning, changing, so much to share, but I will do with just a couple of many lines landing on me today:

Everybody likes Buddha's smile and would want to wear it, but few notice the tears in his seeing eyes and are willing to weep them.

When feeling like a superhero saving the world - turn to nothing. When feeling like nothing - become everything"

Never stop. The totem must relax, but keep spinning...

There are so many, but enough for one day :)



Lia - my heart goes out to you. You're really facing the tough end of enlightenment. And of course, enlightenment is to be found in all places - keep digging deep, keep exploring, keep integrating into centredness. Seek out the aligned reflections of soul, and cast away that which you clearly know are not right.

Sending heart-felt love, wishing you upliftment and alignment.

Open *give_rose*


I'm feeling your suffering and pain and couldn't read your post without the tears. My heart goes out to you, full of love. I'm on board with Open wishing you upliftment and alignment.

x Cathy

"Everybody likes Buddha's smile and would want to wear it, but few notice the tears in his seeing eyes and are willing to weep them"

Beautiful. I will remember this. Sending love Lia :)


Thank you all for your words. It is hard to read and digest on drugs, but I will read again and respond to each and one of you. I feel you support and your hearts, you are my family here on earth <3

I have no voice. My voice box is cut out. But I can write, blurred, half blind, dyslectic... Not so very smart at all LOL Today it is this landed on me:

Sometimes people have been trying to climb up for so long that they miss the point when everything turns upside down and "going all the way up" becomes "going all the way down". Both are vital to find the balance in every moment, then let it go right away and find it anew...

This scene from the Pirates of the Carribean shows it in a cute and funny way :)

LOVE has the power to heal. Only love, which is presence, the truth, and humor too, of course hhh, in the right places, when brought to shine in all the places and corners.. and oh we're being tested.... Such genius maze...

Hugs to you all

Hey Lia,

I don't have any words, just wanted to send lots of love your way, to you just as you are.

Blessings to you in these challenging times, Fiona

In sharing your story you lay yourself open, exposing your vulnerabilities, and you are met and held in this space with love. And in showing your vulnerability you help others to do the same, to be truly as we are, in this moment.

Sending you love and light xxx

I will skip the 'horror' details of my hospitalisation and drugs effect. Also seeing sick people, including oncological section was mmmmm deeply stirring... Hospital is a proper place for depicting how our bodies and minds were and are mutilated and degraded.

Now I am released but am supposed to continue swallowing the magic pills... Just how cynical must a pharmacological mogul can be to call itself Teva, meaning Nature in Hebrew, while poisoning people with synthesised crap degrading and mutilating their bodies, blurring their minds, disempowering by taking some pain and suffering away, while creating another kind of pain and suffering, disconnecting from consciousness and real power of a human spirit? Feeling very, very sad.
Any expressions of our true nature are called "magical delusions", they didn't even bother to ask about mudras when practicing tai chi, yoga and kung fu. It is written:" performing weird hand gestures" in my files (hospitalisation summary). In short, there is a little problem now...

The prescription says: Clonex, Zyprexa and Lithium are the candies... They will check Lithium levels along the following months. In the meantime - I am suffering badly from side effects. Consciousness is there, it's just loss of control over my physical and cognitive functions. Partial control... You know, side effects... And the good old pain is just still there, proving again that drugs solve nothing, they just suppress and zombify and damage the body.

I am keeping scanning everything with my consciousness and clearing and feeling, so at least it can't touch that, but the vehicle... is a mess!

Some advice about what to do now will help. Big time!

The good lessons were learning about boundaries, the degree of ignorance of society, that people's hearts are golden and that we do need each other, we have to have people who will not let us lose hope and sink, and when everything went wrong, we uplifted and hugged and went for walks, played together, all those things little kids do... And so much pain, so much pain in people around and in my bodymind and the physical earth... So I understood a lot, internalized. No more escapism for me. Just smoking cigarettes a lot to anchor myself, so my consciousness can still connect to the body.

Thank you for being here.

Hi Lia,

You have been very much in my thoughts and heart since reading your initial post. I have fond memories of walking the Glastonbury lanes with you - sharing, connecting and laughing. And of course, can we ever forget Cae Mabon, what profound experiences there! It's funny that they should describe your practise as "performing weird hand gestures". I loved watching you practise, it was really mesmerising watching how beautifully you expressed yourself through the movement - I can still see you on the lawn early morning at The Close <3 You are a beautiful soul (f)

I just wanted to send you some love and a big etheric hug. And perhaps a gentle reminder to find the little moments of joy, beauty and connection in each day, they are there through it all.

With heartfelt love to you, Fiona

In reply to by Fiona Reilly

Hi Fiona,

Yes, I remember all those beautiful experiences Luckily, there was no electro-shock therapy lol (dark humor)
The thing is that despite feeling all the sadness and becoming aware of the degree of what crippling humanity went through, I see everything shine.

Emptiness and shine, and pain and stuff floating up to breath into.

Joy is less relevant, as I am pretty much limited to a survival mode with my current drug-induced incapability. Like "remember to drink", "remember to eat", "don't lose your wallet or leave and forget things all around", catching myself not breathing for minutes so it's like "don't forget to breathe". I guess the joy will appear when "the baby will start walking on its two legs" rather than losing balance every second.

Also my place turned into a mess during the "delirium" that I went through, a lot to clean and clear... Not very joyous, but necessary.

After the totem spins smoothly I can start the infusion, but not before the bridge is steady.

This is just what needs to be done right now, and I accept it, while allowing myself to cry about it, because it IS intense and painful and scary and challenging.

It's just a simple question: to take the pill or not to take the pill? A tiny confusion... But I've been down that road before. It brought me nothing good but pain and chronic health problems. The heart is just like.. RUUUUUN! But where to? And from where? I guess all this will become clearer soon enough. I am just off the rails and it's Okay.

A huge hug back! <3

Hi Lia,

My heart goes out to you! I can only imagine the intensity of what you are experiencing and have experienced...

The words that come right now are - one step at a time... and as you say this will become clearer soon enough.

I am touched by your words "emptiness and shine" - feels powerful!

May you find that the bridge becomes increasingly steady <3

With much love, Fiona

Dear Friend,
You have been in my dreams and waking last night. I too feel you in Caemabon by the river, with that very understanding tree (!) and dancing together in the smoke and the drums and I feel your grief and the madness of how it is received - or I feel mine - and word games - and I hear you through the drug shroud- either way - I'm by you now.

Ypu are my family

And I know that I kicked hard, but it is just when I couldn't tell where and who and where the truth is... I kicked the loved ones too

And I miss you all so much, and Trin... Trin.... I am crying now...

Maybe I could come to the New Year retreat if I am allowed and see some of my family again...

I am sorry... Maybe I don't make much sense now and should I?

I just feel like there is not much left of me, but my heart and the void really. And my worn out body...

I died and keeping dying these days, alone, and not alone at the same time, because I feel everybody.

I let days be whatever they are... so tired, and so amazed, and no more suicidal thoughts, so that one is dead for sure.

I feel so much love and so much sadness.

The pills might blur me but not violate my soul

"You can kill the man, but not the legend"

I am alive and kicking, in the right directions now.

Love to you all <3

Lia, we haven't met but I feel how much you love this family and also how much this family loves you back and embraces you every moment.

I feel that your little baby is speaking through this family, through your open heart and also through the hard times that you are facing.
You are loved when you kick hard and when you don't.
You are loved when you take the drugs and when you don't.
You are loved when your body and mind is violated and when not.
You are loved when you feel alone and when you don't.
You are loved when you die and when you don't.
You are loved in love and in sadness.
When you know where the truth is and when you don't.
Always present and always there in you...reflecting back to you and you back to us/me.

Thank you Lia for your legend, I mean it. It inspires me to be more present to witness/be there for someone later today who is in a very difficult situation of pain, grief, suicide, violence and neglect.

Love and courage xx

Hi Aspasia,

Thank you for writing. It is always a good reminder and how little it takes to focus our center back home, just a small reminder, and presence, in flesh is the best. Today after waking up, instead of an old self-focused routine, I were there for a friend, and surely what was said was meant for me too, and now you were here for me virtually, but it does the trick still.

Many thanks and I wish that your presence will do the magic for your someone. Because it looks scary but really it's just our little scared and hurt inner children doing and saying silly things... So little they need, and somehow still it is so hard for people to do it - be there, witness, contain, say the right thing and hug us when we're most unhuggable. I didn't get that, I had to grow it inside me on my own, so hard I pushed everybody around that it was impossible to get close....

And sometimes time does its thing... sometimes we just need time and get tired of our suffering and resistance, get to such degrees of pain that we are ready to ask and receive help, other people's love and even see they are there. Until then there is this wall of separation which as if protects us... even though the monsters are long time gone and some are not even alive anymore. The habit... So we scream and attack instead of just saying "Please, help!" and realising and saying what we need, how we can be helped. Being helped is not being disempowered if the one present really loves and cares and does not feed on our weaknesses and wounds.

It's a tough ride, so giving a hand and receiving a hand when we really need one is vital, even when there is nowhere to progress anymore. We are still humans, as long as we are in a human bodies and minds. We need touch, real physical presence, sex, food, water, air, all the things human need. I thought I could do without, because it is being dependent. Now the boat flipped and I am accepting my human vulnerabilities. After I died and was revived thanks to my neighbour-students here who called ambulance after the screaming my nightmares out stopped. Silence saved my life, funnily. And how much love there was that the whole floor allowed me to scream and weep loudly days and nights for days, and brought me food and tea to help me go through this... How much love...

So I trust that God will help your friend exactly in the right way and right time.

Much love to you

Hi Lia - I trust you can feel that everyone here is with you - even if we can't be there in person right now, we're tuning in through the ether - thinking of you and sending love.

Everyone can come back from these places. Where you are is testament to how deeply you've gone into your density. Society isn't very good at facilitating that - otherwise the journey through would be quicker and smoother. But it sounds like things are being okay for you. Know that there's a way through - always a light in even the smallest of places. A touch, a smile, a little synchronicity - the divine is there through everything.

Sending love

Open *give_rose*

"A touch, a smile, a little synchronicity - the divine is there through everything." - YES :)

The best part of it all is that I never know where I will find myself in the next moment and things just happen, and everything is just shining and tells to enjoy the ride.

All it takes is just being able to pause at every moment and experience just that in full acceptance, including my bodymind reactions to what is going on. There is just this true, deep acceptance.

Now there is this learning to pre-witness the following moment, rather than anticipating the future moment, sorting wheat from the chaff, but on micro-scale. Pre-witnessing happens so the choice can happen on its own.

What kind of reality my consciousness chooses in the next moment as a being, within the given rules of the game, and it alters the way I perceive things, my surrounding, the way people see and treat me, as if really, just like you were always saying "It's OK" as it is, including the things that seem to be out of alignment. This is a part of the collective dice game.

The challenging, but fun part is the infusion into the body, lots of stuff to shift, including the DNA and the memory stored in it. The body gets shaky and unsteady a lot, every release totally changes the way I move, for example.

There are mirrors and syncs all over the place, so no need to think anymore at all. Just experience. It is much easier when the mind is in its place and doesn't run the show.

And the last bit - not being afraid at all. Accepting the human condition fully and totally, my own and the collective. I suddenly see that I only make a choice for myself and that is it.

People come to me, call me, want to be next to me, so it really feels like the hiding part is over and it is time to refresh my facilitation skills, and aligning my expressions, in parallel.

What else can I say? I feel. And I hear, And I see. All this happened after I gave up on all that.

I was surrounded by crosses for the last almost 6 years, now it is all signs of Magen David and infinity all around. Magen David is infusion of the soul into the vessel, the vehicle, infinity - staying at one singular point allowing the universe expand around.

So the crucifixion gate is behind.

Thank you, dear family. I would think I am insane if there were no Openhand and Kabbalah (the real one).

Thank you so much! <3 <3 <3

Thank you for your wise and loving words Lia, I feel them.
For me every interaction (verbal, physical, social, spiritual etc), either in flesh or virtually is a co-creation – always. Can’t be any other way. We say what we want to hear, we listen what we want to hear. The words are for me and for the other simultaneously.
All your posts display a sense of trust and deep understanding that is reassuring. You hold yourself and others with grace no matter what spaces you find yourself in. That’s an art. I see it. My ‘friend’ (I actually do not know her much) is taking steady steps towards reclaiming her power. She has strength, wisdom and is very loving. I am learning from her.
You say:
“And the last bit - not being afraid at all. Accepting the human condition fully and totally, my own and the collective. I suddenly see that I only make a choice for myself and that is it.”
Thank you for the reminder.
And love this!:
“People come to me, call me, want to be next to me, so it really feels like the hiding part is over and it is time to refresh my facilitation skills, and aligning my expressions, in parallel.”

With gratitude x

There is no shame in our darkness and pain. It is a part of us and reality, and when fully explored, experienced, felt and expressed, peace happens. There is no way to create experiences and realities without creating polarities to balance each other, there is a way to make them more subtle and enjoy both by full acceptance and presence.

So during the process the fluctuations get bigger, but once reaching the bottom and the top, a breaking takes place and one finds a point of singularity, being right in the moment whatever it is. Then it all becomes really ok and the refinement of the co-created reality becomes effortless.

One of the states on the path is hitting the bottom real hard. In this song I expressed the darkness I felt...


The rosy veil is crumbling down
I see things that nobody does
I smile in the mirror and see a sad clown
Surrounded by ghosts
Disturbed by their buzz


Abandoned by God
Rotting in hell

I'm falling down into the endless pit
I am a darkness carrier
I am a monster
I am a darkness carrier
I am a darkness carrier

Open, is it ok to embed tracks or is it better to just put the link like with videos? <3

Thank you and sending love to you <3
Found this video today.. Really don't have much to say. There are things that are just to experience and feel and move through moment to moment....

Breathtaking music Lia! Amazing visuals, story line and somaesthetics! VERY moving! It prompted me to find out more about the band called 'Hammock' - they are excellent! Thank you for sharing. I will use their music in my work :) Every time I use it the memory of your depth and creativity will arise. :)

I love this one by Hammock called 'Unspoken' - fantastic vocals:


P.S. Love openly received and re-directed back to you <3

Hi Lia,

What a powerful sharing, thank you for your deep expression.

These lines really resonated "There is no shame in our darkness and pain. It is a part of us and reality, and when fully explored, experienced, felt and expressed, peace happens.

With love and peace to you (f)


Hey everybody,

Thank you for the feedback loops. It really moves when feeling the resonance with you guys and all the gifts...

Hammock are great. They've been a comfort and a place to rest for my soul for the last years. Really a place to lay a head and touch home...

I am making my baby steps and building myself and refining and sorting wheat from the chaff bit by bit...

In the meantime feel trembling when sharing a song I made describing the self-exorcistic crucifixion I went through, where I found out I have some intense shaman abilities I didn't know about before. A lot happened in the room, on the tenth floor (ten floors/stages of death I went through) room 4 (heart), where I still live and will stay for a while until full integration takes place, it feels.

But the track describes a tiny summary of it, of basically three sleepless days of dying in my room alone and the 'delirium' I went through that took me through all the steps and levels in the process. It could be a spooky book lol Love can take all kinds of forms. This was mine.... Will not go into details of it. It was a beautiful horror movies, beautiful in its own way, when the eyes and ears don't judge or label.... This is the track expressing some of the states there, invoking names of God in different languages in the beginning, connecting to mother and father energies, the soul family, some more interesting unexpected benevolent energies I did not know I can connect to and ending in the following evolving mantras (translating from Hebrew) and some more processes which I might be able to share in the fullness of time:

Only letting go
Only protection
Only love
Only everything

Only letting go
Only Faith
Only love
Only everything

Only letting go
Only sacrifice
Only love
Only everything

Only letting go
Only love
Only love
Only everything

Only love
Only love
Only love
Only love

Only everything


For me now it is about floating within the avatar, feeling everything within and in the field, watching my own field within interactions, feeling the darkness and the light, watching the shine and the shadows, my field is as if becoming, taking everything into itself and there is a choice that takes place or if I get attached or taking it in too much, feeling the effect, feeling the fake and real, and my choice has an impact on my and the collective field and goes up to the source through all the worlds and the whole and changes it...

It is a lot about the feeling of rightness within and making a choice. Also when I see I have powers, super-powers, also can become whatever I want, and then the question arises - do I own them and apply them to alter the external reality to the better or worse? It is very tempting. I can alter weather, for instance, the sun and the wind and can influence people. Where does it come from? Is it still a part of me that "does" and "want" things to be a certain way? The darkness gets wider, but it doesn't scare me anymore, I just need to make a choice - who am I, or what am I. But the questions are not questions at all, it is a feeling in the heart - what is right and turning the switch.

I have to be honest with myself, really honest, and sort what I take in and turn into, and expanding into the being that I am without any influence at all.

Then things just happen.

If I want to align and harmonise, then I have to move out of the way entirely and not need any change at all. Then my soul flows in and I know what to do or not to do at the moment.

The temptation to go into the dark side and fully experience it, but not get stuck in it, but unravel the essence out of it. The same goes with the light side.

The real thing is just emptiness, and the right being and action arises out of it, when all the layers, including the seemingly "positive" ones have to move out of the way, even the soul. When this happens, I touch something deep within that is beyond any judgment or opinion or reaction, even that of the soul. Then something cracks and there is an expansion into something that cannot be described. All the toolkit I've got is irrelevant unless I am totally clear from everything. When this happens, the rest happens on its own.

This goes like this layer after layer, moment after moment. Experiencing also what happens when I get into some kind of reality that is created. But reality can shift from moment to moment, living the whole situation or lifetime in one moment, and then letting it go, going back to floating empty and letting things flow through my avatar.

This is really a refinement of the truth within and excalibur is in use a lot, there are situations that test me, where my consciousness is still not in flux.

Fixing things or experiencing them and letting them unravel without me needing or wanting it just because it happens when I get clear, transparent.

There is a building process, where I sweep through everything, through human DNA, through the ancient memories, my soul's memories and distortions of its frequencies that are still present, through the history of the universe on its all levels and layers, up to the original split and the creation of illusion of polarities and the archetypal games with creation.

The boredom of the original empty consciousness itself... The being there and the need to split to create a mirror to play with....

The truth is much farther than I used to think, the truth of being, and really there is no need to cancel it, but just align by my choice in my microcosm and experience of it all.

There is a kind of conversation with the origin, that sparked everything, and a consensus with it, that happens when my heart is out open and the sword of truth in one hand and a sign of peace in another. This is how it is done.

A very interesting process and a beautiful thing to see how genius everything is and how we are all given the freedom to create any reality for ourselves and creating a collective reality so our choice how we choose to see reality and how we want it to evolve has a huge impact, especially with souls that come from above.

There has to be an acceptance of what takes place within and around. We are ourselves the creators, and contain the original archetypal abilities. Realising that invokes a sharp sense of responsibility and a pause, but also a realisation of how much love is in that, that the original field, God, has so much love that it is ready to contain any pain and darkness and allow it, and also how much light is created to counterpart it.

Truly the idea is genius when judgment is not there, not even on the subtlest of levels.

The clarification of that makes the choice not trivial at all. I shift to the positive, darkness is created to counterpart it, I shift to the negative, light is created to counterpart it. Just sitting in the centre brings back to boredom, because the whole of reality was created to play.

In every moment there is a choice - am I a human or a soul that is confined in its vision and soul, or am I God who accepts and loves everything unconditionally and is willing to play but also be flexible about my interpretations and being to the point where I can find harmony with anything and everything, love everything and anything and that shifts everything to another reality, which I don't know, and then shifting with it, shapeshifting and choosing again and again.

So the game is fair, always was, only that in humans some of the choices are unconscious, they don't know they have the ability to be anything at any moment and either harmonise with the reality and the player in front and the collective choice, or try to counteract it and fight it or try to change it.

It is always about internal resistance and being fair towards other players, no matter what they create.

My choice is my choice, my heart knows the truth and knows what to do.

And so it turns that on every level it is about love and about accepting everything, the moment and the choice of another and others within the reality. All the distortions are because some play unfairly and try to bend realities onto their side, pulling the blanket, and where am I in all of it and how I find a consensus with the field, resolving stuff inside me that does not accept or disagrees with reality that is already taking place, in me and around.

The realisation also that there is only One, all the way, and that all of it is OK no matter what it brings up in me and agreeing to play the game as it is offered, while refining myself, to be fair and just, but also loyal to my heart and truth.

The game is one of ABSOLUTE love, FULL acceptance, with no judgment at all, but at the same time finding myself within it, a point of vision that turns everything to the good and right exactly as it happens without the need to change anything but my own interpretation and my action and way of being and shapeshifting has to align with that.

A lot of blessed work...

May we all realise how we create and be fair towards one another and the whole in our choices of how we see things and feel about them and what we do about it, within ourselves.

Sending love to all...

Someone you said;(In every moment there is a choice - am I a human or a soul that is confined in its vision and soul, or am I God who accepts and loves everything unconditionally and is willing to play but also be flexible about my interpretations and being to the point where I can find harmony with anything and everything, love everything and anything and that shifts everything to another reality, which I don't know, and then shifting with it, shapeshifting and choosing again and again.)

You are all of this, past, present and future.

I am so happy to be part of an universe with "SOMEONE" in it. Keep shining and casting shadows, "SOMEONE" will see you and smile.

Love received and reflected back at you
Charlie xo

Hey there!

Yes yes yes
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yesssssss!!!!


Hugs to you, Charlie <3


I will speak here for myself, but in a language of a general observation and not only my personal experience (flashback). Whoever feels to respond or add something or introduce corrections, please, do, because this is something that is quite in formation and refinement...

The observation is that:

One of the angelic syndromes in this world is that there is this anomaly of taking stuff in that is not ours and trying to process it out.

If we could we would probably feel and take the whole of darkness and pain and feel it for everybody and everything just so that we "serve".

This anomaly is because so it was when we were in our realm, that we were limitless and stuff would just flux through without us even experiencing it as pain and the service was effortless and so selfless that we did not feel any pain at all, just waves of energy. This is similar to how processed stuff is experienced in humans too, one can orgasm from pain and darkness when not getting tight around it or getting attached or resisting it, only on a different level...

Now my experience:

It was me being a pure force, a field that is moved and moving, totally unrestrained, so it felt. Pure service, existence so perfect... Here is this field that is in constant wave-like movement so boundless that it doesn't feel as service at all, while actually angels are forces of service by nature.

And the connection with others is also just totally there, no doubts, no disagreements, no boundaries, no short circuiting, no betrayal, no disconnections, no such things at all. Existing together serving as one. No need to even communicate, as there is just pure flux of forces through one unified field responding to each other in agreement that is unquestionable, so everything moves as one with every wave. It is really similar to waves moving in the sea with no obstacles. And it just comes in waves, wave after wave, no questions about the waves, and it is more of a slo mo, even when the waves are intense, still, there is this slowing down of everything.

I know how I fell. The pollution and the materialisation happened through a simple thing: one-point focus. It was enough to cut me out from the field. Instead of a wave going through as usually, I got locked up, stuck and immediately cut out of the unified field. This is when shock happened and a distortion in my soul, in several of the frequencies happened. I just got mutilated in one shot. Then it was me "staring" and "judging" the experience and the point I was staring at, which is beyond just looking at the earth and the field around it, it was about doubting the whole of the creation and my own existence and being and God, which is felt as a highest level in the phase-space from which everything flows down, and the lowest level at which everything freezes into absolute stillness and non-existence, unified together and disappears, fluxing back up through a space, where emptiness and wholeness are unified. This is why a point of stillness at which all polarities take place bring to a God-like way of being and the experience of infinity, in evolved humans too. Since there was no resistance before (well, there is always a kind of unfelt one just to ensure the flux, but it is really subtle on the higher levels, so it is barely there, let's say goes to zero), everything just moved, and now I got "choked" with the experience.

The full fall down happened when higher resistance to what took place appeared. It caused the descend to lower levels.

Then the deformed soul got "scared" (the field shrank), now also the whole thing got deformed and more dense and kept descending down because of a higher density, let's say quite an experience, and then shrinking more and more as every layer caused a kind of shock, until reaching this realm, also realising what the descend into a human body with a human DNA and everything happening on earth means. I kind of could see much clearer why humans were the way they were when falling through lower layers, specifically forth dimension where I got stuck for a glimpse enough to collect some info about what the hell is going on here and wanted to escape, so there was also a suicidal inception in the mental formation, and this is when the process was finalised, because what we resist happens, right? hhhhh This was the last thing that made me born - a wish to not be born.

It was a shaky and suffocating one... I tried to escape while being in a womb, I tried repeatedly to escape when I was a baby, and years and years after, until recently... Let's say until I died in some other way hhh

Now what I really want to refer to is this bug - that the soul's memory is this serving and processing and feeling stuff that is in the field, rather than just living a simple human life of its own.

It took me a pretty massive experience recently too, to finally get it. I judged humanity, and so I am a human, and instead of living a human life and fully realising what it is and how it is happening, I was still acting like an angel up there, taking in, processing, taking in, processing, waiting for a miracle, or maybe a saviour, be it God or another somebody, yearning to go back "home" and in some place believing that if I swallow and process enough, I will be released of the duty here and get the hell outa here, which is the very thing that nailed the fall, hilarious! hhh

The confusion is monstrous!

While yes, any evolved being feels to serve, but this service is not self-sacrificial or role-like. There is no role at all. No matter what soul or where it comes from. Otherwise it is just another shadow, another game played out, creating more layers of fake realities distorting the field, rather than simple existence in what already is and aligning with that.

I mean, we see many "roles" and "game-roles" all across the web and this and forth dimension, in general, it is easy to invent alternative, parallel realities and create them, or yearn to get to them, and try to drag the field over there, and apply them to the field.

I wrote about co-creation before... Co-creation is possible when accepting the moment fully, with the reality that IS, rather than dreaming about an alternative one, even if more positive. Then we are being realistic, we do not need to "correct" the field or anybody else. We just f...g LIVE.

Living for some is non-trivial, but possible. So alignment happens when we live. For some it is a matter of choice. For some it is a matter of life or death, so it was for me close to the flip.

I recently made a huge mistake by playing something, as if I had two possibilities, two lives offered, one as almost nothing, with all the superpowers and benefits and influences, another as a human, simply falling into reality in full acceptance and respect for human current condition, possibilities and limitations. There grew a monster inside me as a result of a false choice that... I will skip... Let's just say thanks God for mirrors and human ability to lose consciousness when too much pain happens and it is ok. No need to be 100% conscious of everything no more, as a perfectionist and absolutist used to...

So the message for myself is the following: if I am a human now, in a human body, living a human life, then be a f...g human.

Yes, I will always have this unique frequencies and all kinds of abilities, which will just spark whenever and whatever, and I don't need to think or brag about that, and the field around me is abnormal, fine, but being a human and living a human life is more than enough. It's intense, and it is more than enough and this realisation is not trivial too!

The shift in my view is that humans are heroes in my eyes now, that they manage to exist in this mess somehow and some even find there grounded way of being without all the spiritual stuff.

So it would seem as if going back to my soul would mean being as what it was in its origin, but actually more and more it becomes obvious that this "serving" and this "swallowing and processing" is totally irrelevant and the more I let go the more I become a simple human and let everything "supernatural", "super-power-like" go.

It appears that being a simple human is a task in itself for those who have a non-human field. Funny tricky thing.

Practically, it is like I do not need to know anything anymore. I touched the highest and the lowest and was ready to stay in the dark forever and let the highest and the brightest go, all that search ended in the final letting go, now all the pieces are coming together into one big picture and in the forming peace I feel I can serve by simple things, like drinking tea, cooking something, talking to a person, whatever. Being does its thing. All the fireworks are gone and are unnecessary.

What was all the "fighting" about? Becoming integrated into one, what they call Yoga, unification of all the aspects and harmonisation between them all and the reality, which does happen, just like the Openhand way - in practical enlightenment. Not meaning we get light into ourselves as it seems before the shift, but actually suddenly seeing and hearing and feeling and being right here, right now, experiencing reality as is and not in a dream of a split consciousness that pulls in various directions and creating parallel realities on top of the real one.

And my deformed soul is somehow being brought together by that, by letting its original functions go. What I judged - being simple human, is what is healing it now. And so be it.

The funny thing is that the more I let that go, the more I feel as if taking back my power.

Who am I to be a kind of Jesus and take other people's pain?? Who am I to interfere the field according to my point of view or a feeling? Or even have an opinion at all? All this is crumbling into simplicity of human existence, simple things I want to do. And in this subtext there is no split between me and the soul. I want = my soul wants. There is no problem with that anymore, like there used to be.

The full integration is when there is no split inside, and then the mirrors stop splitting too, because one can go like this forever, back and back and back in time or space, keeping debugging and fixing rather than just being and accepting the reality and agreeing to get that humble. For my soul at this point it feels it is counterproductive. The more human it gets, the simpler, the more healing and integration are happening. Memories and visions and knowledges do land, but there is no need to even remember them. The past belongs to the past and it gets buried bit by bit when there is no clinging or interpretation or a need to fix or solve it. Where am I now? What am I doing? Just do that. One-point focus heals the original trauma of becoming one-point focused.

The need to fix the field is gone. It happens on its own, whenever I move out of the way, actually.

I do feel pain, human pain, collective stuff, everything, but I don't FEEL it, you know, or have an opinion about it or a reaction. It's like experiencing the weather. Ah, ok... Move out of the way, things shift... Let's cook that cookie now. And I feel simple things, hurts, joy and everything in between, but yet again, I just "cook my cookie", every single simple day.

Sleep, breathe, drink, eat, walk, love somebody simply, like a child, and it all falls into place. The original split of the empty wholeness so that there are just two who can play and play fairly and forgive each other for mistakes and the created darkness - can be played out in simple pair at every home... Between any two humans. The rest of the world that descended down and split to multiple realities from the original pair-game that was born out of one... I let that be. My job is playing fairly in just my little microcosm and watch the sunrise and the sunset until the day I die.

The angelic syndrome is being debugged out of my system and my original sin, the judgment that broke the field and spit me out... as well as testing the boundaries, digging for an answer and return, and everything that was caused on the way... together with human stuff... all that is suddenly not a problem, but rather something to live through in simplicity...

Taking power back was letting power go.

And in that process I had to let somebody real who was a mirror go too, and it hurt as hell...

In short, everything I thought is the other way around hhh

And God has a great sense of humour, as always.

Cheers and love to you all...

Lia the written word is not my strong suit but here goes: I see myself in your energy and words....i have been the fixer in the lives of many. Now i see it differently and you echo that. I too have come to admire the human simplicity that is life in this body. To just be...human... with all the human shortcomings and to love myself and others not in spite of but because of that condition of disorder that makes us imperfectly human. this requires a huge letting go of past programming and social conditioning and discernment becomes very tricky for me at times but just getting the hell out of the way and letting life unfold is the key. Namaste, Eddie

Hey Lia,

I really dig your post. There is this super acceptance of everything you are experiencing or at least thats what im feeling. Only if that was easy. Would i choose to accept this human beingness that i'm experiencing and not want anything more than this. Actually no! I'm not there yet. My ego wouldn't let me choose that. So it's all a bit by bit working of everything that's holding me back. And that's ok too. At Least i know i don't have to do everything for it now. I could choose to experience this and let the universe do its unfolding. Who am i to direct it anyway. Thanks for inspiring.

Dear Lia - it's beautiful to read that. I feel that - and felt it before too. You are such a beautiful being... so expansive and boundless. Just incarnated into a crazy world.

We're so similar in many ways. Always have been. Just born into different lives and having had to walk different paths.

A big, big heart full of love to you

I love that in this world everybody has a unique path, and still we all have so much in common, holding different pieces of a big puzzle together and in the heart, when it's finally free to rule, it doesn't matter anymore, and there is just love and acceptance of everything, including the darkness and the stuckiness and silliness and everything. We are all in this together, and there is a lot of comfort in that. It is easier when fully realising it and feeling it.

Every little bit we let go of eases the whole field, and when one lets go, others feel it too. I mean the whole thing is just beautiful when not letting the imperfection dim the genius and the love that is everywhere and in everything.

And the tightness, well, it never stops, it's just a matter of point of view. We can look at our differences, we can look at our blockages, pain, distortions and discomfort, allow that to separate us from the wholeness and the beauty and love, and make us feel sad or sink or shrink, decide as if something is wrong with us, others and the world. Or we can look at that and realise we all have that and there will always be something, because this is just the way the game goes, this is how experiences happen. So if we let go, like in computer game, we move to the next level and things change, even if the game was tough. We get the medal and move on. You know you, we, are all heroes. Every letting go is a point, which is not to fight for or struggle or wait for, but just live and watch it happen in the right moment in the right way, which is unique for everybody...

No need to even wait for it. Playing the game is just experiencing whatever is happening in the moment, or specific period. You know, people watch movies for drama, action, etc, because there it is easy to be the observer. But if you look at yourself and your own life you will be amazed what kind of a genius thing God in us has created for us, and is creating in every moment.

And we can really sit back at the players' sits, and "enjoy the ride", including everything and anything, just like you would enjoy in the movies... Just not to get stuck for too long, just long enough to fully get the experience and everything it shifts inside us, even if it's something of a kind of dying... I mean what action, horror movie wow

We choose how we view our path, and the lens can change anytime. The soul is leading, a new path is forged even if we stray, at every moment, so there is nothing to worry about, just follow the lead.

At this point I let the love win. No matter what. No matter what I feel or experience or see. This is not a kind of artificially created love, but just presence and expansion and being there. This is love and living like this is a beautiful thing.

Humans have been through a lot, the game was harsh, we all have been through a lot, each and his load. So I say everybody deserves a 'medal', so heroes we are, and surely we deserve love, true love, and once we decide so, it happens. Maybe not at once, but the path will take us there, through the dark woods maybe, through tall towers with huge locks maybe, through fields with huge dragons with many heads maybe, through the valley of death possibly... But does it matter? When in the end of the game you get the little box with your own pure innocent heart in it and a funny illusionary lock on it... The body might be weary, and the mind might find it hard to believe and even maybe get lost in confusion so used it is to search and search for something, but there is all there is, once the mind clicks into place and lets go - the box opens and here it is, just a heart of gold, which was always there, the biggest treasure of all on this earth, a human heart.

So no matter what we went through, what we all are going through, what toolkit we're getting on the way, we could even learn to disappear completely, to whatever... but in this game one cannot lose... the path leads right where the heart leads, from the heart back to the heart, and there we all meet again.

There is a saying in Kabbalah that I love: "each one's soul is its teacher", and what leads is "a tiny point in the heart" that grows together with ego's monsters that multiply until they level up, just like Mr. Smith multiplies in Matrix, and we, like Neo (One), when we grow enough, can just make a choice... when the time comes... we'll know the truth because there will be a choice of love and letting go, so we will have the key and a possibility to open the box...

And then it just doesn't matter anymore what we experience, the most important thing is that we're here, wherever we are, at whichever step or level...

Everything is OKAY!

Love to you all <3

I am experiencing something quite intense and challenging, as there are bits are being cut off my field and some kind of reconstruction and replacement are taking place. The challenging part is actually the void itself, which was never a problem to experience, for a while, but now it is just there, all the time.

Some talk about being a clear canvas, but in my case there is just this experience of residing in a black void and everything looks different out of it. Probably, for the first time in my life, I actually touch reality and not the thin glass that was there before, reflecting myself to me. Now there is no glass and there is just experience and that's all I've got.

My shattered mind and psyche are still adapting, so there is a kind of slight shock and often even a sense horror in front of this kind of pointless existence arises.

If before I was a puppet on strings, where human feelings, thoughts, impulses, instincts, external pulls or the field were pulling my field and my human self, now anybody or anything internal or external that tries to pull the strings just hits empty air.

On one hand, there is this clarity that is much appreciated, and a flow that happens without being interrupted by all that human noise within or around, on the other hand it feels like death. Nothing really touches me, and I find new things that were not there before, so few things. Art, music and nature are consistent. And I am driven more to objects or animals rather than people.

People are tough to experience and be around. In most cases, there is this disintegration between the soul and the mind, and a lot of tightness in the field because of this one. Despite feeling like becoming really simple and human, what happened is that when I surrendered into that ordinariness, another flip took place.

For years I've been hunting for this "being real me" or "being", and once I hit that there was a feeling of restriction still, so I let that go too, which took some more pretty painful field reformation, and now it is this black field.

One of the things that arise is all kinds of human experiences and a realisation of the vast possibilities human life offers. There is this path of being a killer and a convict, a path of being a spiritual guru, of a famous musician, of housewife, and every time something passes through me, there is a whole bunch of ways of being, experiences, identities, and anything can happen.

And then it is just stripping of all those human things and just bare awareness of the moment. No observer, no being, no personality, no nothing. Just a collective field with everything in it, an immediate field and experience of whatever is happening.

And it is like my soul knows that all this is a temporary thing until the building is restored and rebuilt, nobody can live inside it, so it is just this void and direct experience of everything without being able to really participate in the game. So I am here, in reality, but as if cut off in a human way, observing everything human and watching it all die once it hits my awareness and field.

So there is no being anymore. Existence and that's it.

Hi Lia,

I'm there with you. I know exactly what you're referring to. And I know just how empty it feels. Many people believe they're touching this presence, when what they're really touching is a fine bubble of Unity Consciousness around it - which kind of feels like nothing, but only in comparison to the busyness of the ego. Yes this bubble has to burst to touch the place you're now at. As scary as it might be, I say awesome, bring it on!!!

And what happens now?

You said...

    "And it is like my soul knows that all this is a temporary thing until the building is restored and rebuilt, nobody can live inside it, so it is just this void and direct experience of everything without being able to really participate in the game."

It doesn't have to be temporary, and you don't have to be quick to build anything new. Nobody has to live inside it anymore - the "someone" was always anyway an illusion. This is what to be "open" really means - I'm speaking of that level of openness, a vast emptiness with no one inside. Total clarity where all the veils have fallen away. I find total spontaneity does indeed work from this place, even in the matrix. There can still be an effortless flow from this void. And it will work, but it will push against all the pre-perceived boundaries.

I would say rest a while in the emptiness if you can. It's a truly hallowed place. Watch now for subtle vibrations that indicate the arising of soul - more beingness rather than thinking you have to do. Then from beingness, right action will start to flow. Before long, it builds in strength.

Although it will seem challenging, you're in a good place. I'd say work to stay open to that space. And watch for beingness wanting to arise from there.

No worries, no problems. It's all perfect.

Open *OK*

Hi Open,

Mental clarity and a direction about what is going on always help, so thank you <3

"And it will work, but it will push against all the pre-perceived boundaries. - yes, I can feel that, especially those having to do with "responsibility" and "commitment", as it feels like the archetypal "player" who can create any reality and be anything, boundless, realises it does not play on its own. So there is a lot of flooding and realisation about the whole thing with co-creation, the frictions in the field and finding the way to somehow participate in the creation of the moment while being basically dead in it.

There is a kind of slowing down of the flow, and even the shutting of it when feeling what other souls want to create and aligning the flow out of that consideration, sometimes going down to basically not participating at all, or flowing around whatever happens. But there is this influence.

Anything and everything in this physical reality as if makes the field shapeshift. People make it really tight, and I can really experience their fields and what is going on. This is why I feel a kind of pause often when I am not alone, before the expression arises, and then a continuous refinement going on, when I am noticing really subtle deviations, and then comes this sense of high responsibility. Because if the flow does not happen in its relatively precise and clear way, then it is like being this archetypal "player", "creator of realities" who does not care what density it creates.

In our world, the comparison between the freely expressing and playing, but irresponsible child who still didn't learn he is not alone and that the world is not going to bend under his will, plus the deep understanding of how his state influences the whole or, let's say, other children or people around... and the adult, who was forged by life experiences and has some understanding of how his actions might affect others, and understanding the whole concept of team-work and considerate co-creation.

"I would say rest a while in the emptiness if you can. It's a truly hallowed place. Watch now for subtle vibrations that indicate the arising of soul - more beingness rather than thinking you have to do. Then from beingness, right action will start to flow. Before long, it builds in strength" - if there is any issue with emptiness, is that there is a pulling from the external field. For example, all kinds of bureaucratic arrangements, exams, and it all produces external pressure.

So while feeling to just lie down and rest as much as I can physically and mentally, the opposite is requested by the immediate reality, with no option for cancellation or postponing, so it is like experience of walking in a very thick mud, everything is highly viscous having to move in it all. It is hard to explain... Maybe you know what I mean. But it feels like this is some sort of training to syncopate with the Matrix, which is fast-going and rather brutal in its structure and functioning, and the internal beat, which is so slow that it almost doesn't move at all, at least in comparison with the external fields that fluctuate on much higher frequencies (more states per sec, more noise) and lower vibrations (very dense and tight field formations).

Then inside there is this emptiness and almost indifference or okayness, while the flow is finding itself out between various formations without me interfering the process, to the point that sometimes it feels like I am late with whatever expression that wanted to happen hhhh Possibly, too passive, as if there was no energy in the human physical-mental system to invest in the action.

In short, it all looks like co-creational issues and pauses and the bodymind sort of recovery or rebuilding.

So while all the possibilities are flowing, come into consciousness and merging within, there is no worry that one of them will get stuck and take a lead. It is a parallel download... There is more a kind of situation with a puppet that was cut off the previous strings that pulled it, and now it has all kinds of dysfunctions and displacements that are being repaired gradually, before the soul can animate it. This is like there are parts, like pipes or gauges missing or broken, and are supposed to be built, most probably, out of direct experiences and engagements in life, as usually, before it all can flux. This is the experience, with all kinds of reflections in the external mirror. For instance, I was hospitalized with allergic reaction, finding myself surrounded by people with all kinds of bodymind dysfunctions, and so on... Or hitting "disabled" signs and parking spaces, like the consciousness is pulled to these things to show I am not fully driving the vehicle yet because it has these missing pieces, so I just notice the things that don't flow out of that black void, where the field gets tight and really following the messages in the mirrors and that's all.

Anyway, now it goes like this: what is is what is and this is just what it is - no physical or mental rest after the death-ride, the psyche collapse and mental reboot, but rather throwing right back into the Matrix-water to make the whole system learn to swim and build itself quick anew. Things never went gentle or slow for me, it is not any different now... I just don't resist, try to change it or ask questions about it anymore.

Big big hugs <3 <3

Hi Lia,

This that you said spiked for me. And resonated with something you said earlier and afterwards...

    "In our world, the comparison between the freely expressing and playing, but irresponsible child who still didn't learn he is not alone and that the world is not going to bend under his will, plus the deep understanding of how his state influences the whole or, let's say, other children or people around... and the adult, who was forged by life experiences and has some understanding of how his actions might affect others, and understanding the whole concept of team-work and considerate co-creation."

Then you said...

    "If there is any issue with emptiness, is that there is a pulling from the external field. For example, all kinds of bureaucratic arrangements, exams, and it all produces external pressure."

My intuition tells me the 'pulling', is that upon the ray 4 "Diplomat" aspect of the soul - so an expression can arise to naturally harmonise without compromising (at least not compromising the soul). So the ray 4 can work with the causal (energy) body to feel into, and accept, the vibrations of the field around you, and yet find Right Action through it - that supported by synchronicity and the heart-felt pull.

You said...

    "So while feeling to just lie down and rest as much as I can physically and mentally, the opposite is requested by the immediate reality, with no option for cancellation or postponing, so it is like experience of walking in a very thick mud, everything is highly viscous having to move in it all. It is hard to explain..."

I feel I understand it very well. To me, this is exactly the ray 4 taking you into resolving harmonising situations. It has often felt to me like 'grinding through a gear box' so as to find some form of accommodation with the other (s) without compromising me.

You said...

    "Then inside there is this emptiness and almost indifference or okayness, while the flow is finding itself out between various formations without me interfering the process, to the point that sometimes it feels like I am late with whatever expression that wanted to happen hhhh Possibly, too passive, as if there was no energy in the human physical-mental system to invest in the action."

Are you sensing the passiveness is the presence? That would be my sense of it. And yes, in the beginning (after Transfiguration), it can be hard for the soul to make headway into the world because the old neural pathways and behaviourisms don't serve any more. So the soul has to learn knew ways of presenting to the world which don't compromise it. And this can take a while. But things will integrate and steady - more aligned ways of being and behaving will emerge. You'll learn to spot them faster and faster, until they're almost instantaneous.

So keep going - all sounds perfect to me - a powerful exploration of the path indeed.

Sending love

Open *OK*

First of all, thank you, Open for the comment. It helped make some sense, and it made even more sense with more practical experience <3

I am now experiencing things... many things, but most of them mainly having to do with womanhood. Also I feel as if before there was only deconstruction of me, and now it is both deconstruction and construction at the same time. Something moves out and in its place something immediately grows, as if hidden parts of me come to take hollow places.

I remember the terrifying feeling when I just could feel myself falling apart and nothing came to fill that place. It was really scary and shattering, and it was until I hit the very bottom, when I completely lost all consciousness and fell into the unconscious field, which is the most intense experience I've had in my life so far. I guess this was my path...

One of the things, amazing things is water. I "see" water a lot. I had repetitive dream throughout the whole year, before the final collapse, that I am at the sea, it is stormy and turbulent. And then there is either a huge wave or tsunami coming and just hitting me from above and I realise that I am going to die. Then I am underwater, I can't breathe, alone, terrified, and then just before the moment of death there is this peace and floating with eyes shut. I could understand the dream only after what happened a year later.

Now "water" has changed. I am always walking into it, slowly. It is very peaceful and deep experience. The water is calm and transparent. I walk into it until I am underwater and then often I "see" or "feel" things there. It is very beautiful, and the quality of it is that it is neither light or dark, it is both, and there is just this feeling of connectedness and another kind of vision. My whole experience changes.

Another part of the process now is these weird experiences. I have my own interpretation of karmic regressions that work for me, to me it feels more like memory stored somewhere in my body or energy. Is it mine or is it just something sticking to my distortions I don't know, but it works for me better than attaching this "ME" to something that is not grounded in my physical reality in this life. Since grounding was always a big problem for me (post-trauma is something that makes it almost impossible to really feel and get grounded), so it helps me stick to the "ground". Really just feeling it and then grounding it in this life experience. It works better for me than past visions. I mean that after feeling something "big" and "widespread", like I can see the collective issue and the big picture and this feeling of what happened, but then I MUST link it to the experience in my life and the pain I felt in this life. Then it works. Otherwise it stays somewhat theoretical and elusive.

So, for example, suddenly feeling voiceless, as if I, as a woman, am taken the right to speak, unable to speak, or make myself heard and understood. Then this pain of not being able to communicate with others, men in particular, this whole misunderstanding, the split. First I can feel the core and the "phantom pain", something that is more of the past, then I can see the collective thing, but then I go right to moments in life where I saw it at work, and feel the pain, practical pain as I experienced it in flesh and blood in "real events". I can see how it affected my relationships and how much pain came from this...

I literally felt as if there was something in my throat, stuck, like almost a mechanical thing, and feeling a lot of pain and rage about something that feels like "female suppression" over human history. There is also a lot of exploration about sexuality, repression, suppression, judgment, shadows borne out of suppressions, of mutual abuse between men and women, and all these things about feminine sexuality and freedom of expression and experience and understanding. A lot having to do with men trying to dominate and manipulate, and also all the female distorted behaviours and manipulations and digging to the core of it, like what is underneath. I have many visions and things click into place. It is really a massive amount of experiences and energies and realisations... and liberations, bit by bit.

In addition, I am researching a lot about the topic. One of the books I am reading now is this book about Lilith, the counter-part of Eve:

Apart from feeling and observing and expressing and shifting, I find this book very helpful in understanding what I am experiencing and how to move through the stuff... There are things I disagree, such as that there is no demonized counterpart to men, we have it all over the place, starting from the Devil and ending with all the "evil" male characters in religious stories and mythology. So I also make sure to not get into the "victimisation" thing. I can see we were pretty equal in how we castrated each other, men and women.

It also helps me find the male and female aspects within and make peace between them, seeing the obvious bloody battle that went on the inside and outside, all my life. They literally wanted to kill each other hhh

And together with that there is a LOT of work on unifying the opposites, digging out and seeing pieces and glimpses of shadows, sometimes coming with pretty horrifying visions, even though I am not scared anymore, there is more compassion than repulsion, but still. The pictures are intense.

But the main point is still clear, that the dark and the light, as all other opposites have to come together to create a unified experience and expression, a unification with the shadowy part, everything that was somehow pushed out of consciousness. But at the same time, not hunting after being fully conscious of everything.

When I was dropped into that place of unconscious, I realised that it is and will be always much bigger than anything conscious. There are things that are meant to be hidden and intact. But there are things that were pushed there that don't belong there, and these create all the distortions and misalignments. So it is really being humble about it and letting it float on the surface in its time. I found that this "space" knows better than me when and how to show me things.

There is also this sort of unification: I am experiencing something that I feel to call "the underworld", this is like levels below. Like in meditations we sort of always move through the body and up above it, but I found there are floors underneath, down to zero, and I now take them "in" too. So if before I would rely on the "higher forces" and planes, now I also engage the "lower" floors, the underworld, the floors beneath, that have special energy and functions of their own, vital, as I found them.

This is the place I connect with when I go "underwater" in my experiences, dreams and visions. A very special place.

Another book I am reading that really helped with things nothing else did (some really sturdy habits) is this book:…

Maybe it will be useful for somebody here... There are some tools that are pretty similar to the Openhand tools, with small differences and maybe a bit different explanations and cute pictures. In short, it helped.

In general, I am just keeping dealing with dark stuff, but now in a much more relaxed way, no matter how intense and painful it is. No more fighting. There is tightness and friction, but these are okay. It is really the resistance, and then the resistance to resistance that create a lot of pressure.

Now when I feel resistance inside, I don't fight it, I realise it has a purpose. If there is friction, I let it be there, I don't try to remove it or make things move faster. Like I used to "fight to feel". This is ridiculous. I felt things when time came, when things happened that "made" me feel them, that made me "see". So really, there is no need to fight or struggle to feel, and any pressure about it just drives crazy. Everything comes right at the right time, in sync with external experiences and other realisations, like pieces coming to form one big picture, when the time is right.

I was so impatient. I pushed myself forward, and all it did is created more tension and blocked the natural evolution of things and created frustrations and unnecessary bottlenecks. Trust is a big thing when it comes to growth and unravelling. So is patience.

Yes, there is time, and I am not getting younger. But this cannot be pushed! Unfortunately, these things are understood only retrospectively sometimes, when things are moved by time and experience.

Well, this is it so far, a tiny part hhh Hope it contributes something to somebody.


Hi Lia,

I, too, am experiencing a lot of rage and anger over the suppression of women and the divine feminine down through the ages. For too long. Way too long. I had an astrology reading recently that helped me become more conscious of the power of my inner Lilith, which is in full bloom right now. I'm finding it challenging to contain the anger I feel and am doing my best to channel it to empower myself without projecting outwards. Lots of challenging mirrors around this right now.

I'm going to read the book you mention: "Lilith's Fire: Reclaiming Our Sacred Life Force."

Thank you for sharing your journey and for inspiring me.

Wishing you well as you journey on, courageous, shining soul that you are.

Much Love,


P.S. Felt to add this quote that expresses so well how I feel:

"Throw me to the wolves and I'll come back leading the pack." ~Unknown

Thank your for your reflections, Lia. I especially resonate with being patient part as I am dealing with that as well. Shadow identity keeps coming up and wants to own stuff.

With Love,

Wishing you strength and light of your soul on your journey!

In reply to by soulseer

Hi Cathy :)

Yeah, mirrors are tough!!! haha

But also communication with mirrors is one of the most healing things, because if I manage to see through the "looking glass", and find a new ways to see, understand and connect, the twisted mirror disappears and there is just this feeling of redemption and joy, and finding a new something inside me that wasn't there before.

I never imagined, but there is a way to unravel almost any situation, when the consciousness clicks into place, when there is both acceptance and giving, not showing, not explaining, not trying to achieve something I have in mind, but just giving.

Because there is this thing I am finding out - the mirror is ALWAYS two-sided (it reflects in both ways).

It is not like I see them or myself "distorted" in some particular way. I feel and behave distorted in both ways, and I know that I reflect both our distortions to the person either. So with men, for example, I will be replicating the distortions of both male and female aspects within me at the same time.

When I clear the mirror, the other side shifts immediately! This is a very interesting thing, because I used to think that I change and people sometimes don't, but I am finding it is not really so. If things are stuck, a part of this stuckiness and stubbornness of a mirror is my own unwillingness or inability to "see", own or/and change. So mirrors are really a blessing, because they both show the way AND they are the ultimate exam whether or not I "clicked" into the right place inside hhhh Because I can see on their reaction what is really happening in me - does what I am being, feeling, saying, expressing, doing accelerate or give rise to more distortions and noise and separation, or it harmonises the field. This just amazing detector of truth, the truth, of a moment, not a truth that I would want to believe in. Yey!!! :D

The quote is great! It made me feel through some stuff. Thank you so much! <3

My interpretation is internal - be thrown into internal hell, to the internal wolves, and get out in charge of my "pack" :)

I prefer this interpretation because I don't feel the need to lead situations or other people anymore, so I less and less feel resonating with leadership between people, because there is a degree of disempowerment even in that, I found, something not quite right (maybe because I am not meant to be any kind of leader accept my own hhh) but I do more and more feel joy about inspiring each other, sharing and plain (eye-level) communication, no matter who I am communicating with. Something happens when I meet people like that. Everybody has something, something great and unique, that can be felt and learned from if I stop looking from above LOL But arrogance and domination, of any kind, is one of the best defences and one of the last to go (with some pain and insecurity to move through on the way hhhh)...



In reply to by nialet

Hi Anatoly

This is tough!

Maybe I will tell some details and you can dig something out of them that might help or give ideas?

It is like I used to feel this resistance or sort of judgment towards whatever distorted in me. But this was just so harsh, because with my sensitivity I could see it all over the place. It was torture.

And I was missing a bigger picture, everything that was good about me, people, life. Darkness has the power to overwhelm and cut out from the "sun" (as explained in the second book I have mentioned). I didn't know what to do with it. I was just totally swallowed up by this darkness and negativity. I couldn't see the good in good! LOL But also, I couldn't see the good in "bad". You see, I thought it was BAD LOL Like tightness is BAD! Darkness is BAD! Being, thinking, behaving, feeling or not feeling like "that" was BAD. Jesus... hhh

And one of the stupidiest things I did was fighting it all, the distortions and bits of shadow LOL It is this war, living in an internal war-zone, all the time. I mean, Open wrote about it - "letting it be", accepting what is... But it is not really understood until it happens. I guess for somebody who already does it seems like a person can do it easily, but it is not so. In my feeling, it was impossible to get out. Because you get out on the back of the exact things I was fighting!!! You "ride the donkey", like Kabbalists say. You don't try to scare the donkey away, you don't reject it or refuse to walk with it. You RIDE it all.

This is why when I see people now, where they are, and I realise, that the higher force works on them too, but it brings them to a place where they need to be, not where I want them to be. They ride their "donkeys". But it happened only after I fully saw that this is what was happening to me all my life and still is.

At some point there was just this feeling of tiredness, exhaustion, complete exhaustion, that felt like dying, that brought me to a place of acceptance, finally. I was beaten to death by life (in my feeling). I refused to give up, as perseverance is probably the only thing that kept me going, as I lost all my faith at some point. But there was a moment when it died too. Hands down. Really, and ridiculously, this is the bloody "letting go" I could never do hhhh And then funny thing happened in that place, I just let it all be indeed... The nightmare - let it be. Retrospectively, it looks different. Back then it was hell. Now -
"but the Shadow shows the way!" :D Close to the point of switch there is this huge confusion what is good and what is bad. Like is the Devil Devil and God is God? Is bad bad and good is good? Or vice versa? Everything in the mind gets blurred and confused. So things I used to interpret as "wrong" suddenly looked as "right"... Everything is OKAY. It is just me. I will never be perfect LOL But I can be okay with everything, including the tight and dark stuff.

I don't need to LOOK or watch it or after it. It pops up for a good reason. It is ALREADY working. I don't need to do anything, just follow, "ride it".

There is an active part, but it is not what I thought, "being aware to death", "going into the feeling" I couldn't feel (before I could) and all these things. The letting go is the active part. The consciousness has a life of its own and knows better than my mind. It is just crazy to try to force it hhh

About the catalysis... I found out that it is happening if I just engage, with life, people, mirrors, situations... Open calls the other option "to turn sheepishly away". I used to hide a lot, believing that I will go out after I process things and be ready for life. This is another stupidiest mistake I've made. Yes, harm is caused to ourselves and others, by our distortions, but without this price I could never really evolve. Neither would they. I would stay stuck in my theoretical "feeling" forever, and they would stay stuck where they were before they met me. We change each other. This is the catalyst. This is life.

So it is just that simple - life is a catalyst of consciousness evolution in itself hhhh Trusting it is not always easy. Communicating with people who are also willing to "see" and clear out the space makes things more clear, effective and fast, but it doesn't replace life and its lessons. It has to be felt and lived through in flesh and blood... It has to be experienced in the bones.

So shadow creates reality, it generates events in life, that "do the trick".

Something that I wasn't able to do before, and that is really beautiful now - sometimes I feel like in making love. Making love with all these things inside, dark and light. This is a deep relaxation and union with whatever there is already inside. I think it is one of the things that really change things, that kind of relaxation. In this relaxation things move on their own. All the rest just creates tightness and noise.

I wish you a lot of strength too, and also a lot of weakness. It has special powers of its own :)

Much love,


Hi Lia,

I have really admired your courage and honesty in sharing over the many years in Openhand. I have also admired your sheer commitment and drive towards evolution. I have also enjoyed some of your conversation with Open though i must say some of which is still hard for me to digest, I don't have the ability to read between the words that is.

You said "I was so impatient. I pushed myself forward, and all it did is created more tension and blocked the natural evolution of things and created frustrations and unnecessary bottlenecks. Trust is a big thing when it comes to growth and unraveling. So is patience"

I resonate with this very much. I'm impatient regarding my journey ,always looking forward to the next step , the peak experiences. Always trying to intellectually process out where I'm at and the effective way forwards. But over the last few months this efforting has died out to a degree and there is beautiful acceptance in its place. And there is nothing more painful than efforting to be somewhere else than where im already at. Things have become a little bit more easy than it used to. At least i have some space to breath and relax. The thing i think which made a big difference for me was dropping the concept of right and wrong choices and the regret associated with it. Though it happened not in one step but a series of it.
I agree to you that the neediness for growth and understanding can only hold back the natural process. To give an example i was in a state of illness for the last 3 days and this was really frustrating since i was feeling the soul and the flow strongly the previous days. Yesterday it occurred to me that i was trying to get something from the situation - a need to understand what its really all about. And this is holding the illness in its place. I could have just laid back and trusted. Thankfully much of its gone except for a sore throat.

Reading your posts over the years it seems to me that you have done the inner work relatively more faster. Maybe the ray 1 though distorted has played its part.

This also spiked something "I will never be perfect LOL But I can be okay with everything, including the tight and dark stuff"

It got myself thinking i rather be perfect than having the darkness and being okay with it. I know its a distortion. I also project this in the things that i do even the simplest things like cleaning the room or of sorts. This also makes me look forward to some time in the future when things will click in to place and everything will be perfect.

Wishing you well in your journey



Hi Vimal <3

You wrote "But over the last few months this efforting has died out to a degree and there is beautiful acceptance in its place. And there is nothing more painful than efforting to be somewhere else than where im already at."

Soooo resonating! I guess when you feel this you really understand what you've been struggling for. How could one not struggle for something so beautiful and deep? We could not not to :D It seems like we know it is there, we just can't access it and we just feel the pain of being disconnected from it, until it is suddenly there. Every time this acceptance and the connection deepens I am brought to tears. About the efforting, it dies out, slowly and painfully, but eventually it dies. I think if I managed to break through it, which even now seems like something impossible, anybody can :D

The illness... You know, throughout my life, since I was 18, I had these bronchitis "attacks". They got better and disappeared for a period of time, but then they stroke back with increased intensity during the period when I had those drowning dreams. I had this bubbling and pain when I was breathing, and several times I couldn't breathe at all. Especially crazy to wake up at night not being able to breathe, with all the spontaneous instinctual horror. Quite an experience hhh I had another one recently, a couple of months ago, this time ending up in emergency and stuff. It was during that time that I really felt closest to death than ever and the freezing fear of dying, totally paralysing. I didn't and couldn't make any sense of it, but I did flow with the experience. It was enough, moving through it all, and then it was just gone. It is hard to accept that all this discomfort could somehow be in our good and to our service. But again, acceptance and experiencing it is all it takes... I am sure there is some gift in it for you in all that soarness :) Being uncomfortable in the body sometimes connects to the body better than anything else.

My mom is in the wheelchair, and is in constant pain. This makes her be more aware of the body and the "real" possibilities rather than imagined. It's that much you can struggle, fight and go against the body. The body is really the most obvious meter. You break it, neglect it, deny it - you see it. We can fool ourselves about our feelings, thoughts, but not about our bodies. Limitations - they don't constrict awareness. Paradoxically, they aid it.

Yeah... It's all cool. We're cool! :D


Anybody here watching Sense8? I find it one of the most beautiful, human and spiritual things I've watched in my life, all at the same time, not avoiding the issues and the dark stuff...

Music there is also awesome!

I listen to this all day now, just melts my heart.

We ARE good enough.
Just as we are.
With all the light and shit hhh


Hi Lia,

Thank you for your reflections and for taking me deeper into the exploration. I resonate with your comments about mirrors and leadership. This quote springs to mind with regard to 'leading' the pack:

"The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them." ~Charles Bukowski

That's what true leadership feels like to me. The free soul inspires those who 'see' to free their own souls.

I'm feeling the call of the wild to free my soul in situations where I feel oppressed, disrespected, and misunderstood. Where I don't feel free to be me. I 'see' the outer mirror as a reflection of my own distorted, divine, masculine energy. At the same time, I feel pissed off and angry. I'm pretty good about witnessing when I project my sense of oppression as paternal. But not always. I've lost it a few times lately. Is there a pleasant way to say, "Fuck Off?!" :)

It's a tricky balance to accept another's truth with unconditional love, compassion, and respect while standing firmly and calmly in one's own truth, not accepting that anything goes. I slide, at times, into trying to control and manipulate what's going down, which is exactly what the patriarchy is about. On an inner level, I feel this as imprisoning my soul's free expression, like a bird in a cage. When I was hospitalized as a child, friends of my parents gave me a yellow budgie bird as a gift. I called him Sammy. Sammy loved it when I opened the door to his cage so he could fly freely around the house. My mother was afraid of him flying around, so she gave him away. I was heartbroken. I was already shut down but had more reason to say nothing. All these years later, I'm finally letting go of that childhood identity.

I've attracted many experiences these past few years that have showed me how greater inner harmony manifests as greater outer harmony and how the opposite is true. Knowing when to stay in situations because I have more lessons to learn or when to walk away to satisfy my longing for soulful connection is so very hard to discern.

Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Jungian Psychologist, Poet, and Author continues to inspire me and fire up my courage. So I'm going to close with a quote from her book, "Women Who Run With Wolves". Deep bow to her.

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door; if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.”

x Cathy

Hi Cathy :)

Thank you so much for sharing in such open way... a glimpse into your world, so beautiful and rich.

I resonate with many feelings you share. This feeling of imprisonment - made me feel suffocation and I just wanted to leave life at all, so many times...

Thank you for your perspective on leadership too - "The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them." ~Charles Bukowski. That's what true leadership feels like to me. The free soul inspires those who 'see' to free their own souls. - I resonate!

I slide, at times, into trying to control and manipulate what's going down, which is exactly what the patriarchy is about." - Why patriarchy? I find women too control and manipulate, a LOT! :D I am now in a kind of relationship with a woman. Wow! Manipulations and control rock! LOL In a very distinct to women way. It's amazing to experience it on another side. I can see what I've done in the past to men very clearly, and feel how it feels. Moreover, I can see where men do this feminine type of manipulation too! It is really all one mash, in men and women.

Some examples: this self-sacrifice that then demands sacrifices back from others. The manipulations are often emotional, and if that doesn't work, then it switches to more masculine, aggressive ways. Another example - sexual manipulation, using sex and sexuality to get things. Or, trying to get sex from men, which can be not any less pervasive than the masculine way of doing it, women literally almost rape men (I've heard stories from my friends), and it is another stereotype that was broken for me. It is a pretty tied knot, the collaboration between the distorted feminine and masculine that creates this whole self-feeding phenomenon of mutual abuse and control. So it is important to get to see it working in both directions. The way women see, treat, confine, own and degrade men - good God!

But even more useful for me is to see how they interact within!! This is one of the craziest things I am finding out - I have this manipulative masculine part inside myself that abuses my inner feminine and vice versa. They undermine each other instead of listening, feeling each other, helping, supporting and loving each other. Those moments when I manage to bridge between them and fuse them - wow... There is no "cage" anymore. It is really inside, all these things... Just like you say, harmony experienced and manifested.

About "Fuck off!" :D - What is not ok with fuck off? It is super nice. It can be humorous, it can be determined and it can be rude. All of them are fine to me, as long as there is some degree of clarity inside. There is this tendency to judge ourselves and restrain a natural way of dealing with situations, and expressions. Maybe afraid to hurt others, to look rude, to pull fire or just not be liked or have to deal with reactions... I also notice that when I am fully in peace with what I want and what is expressed I don't need to get rude at all. I have a friend who is able not to speak at all, and they "get it"! While I could scream and still be unheard and unseen.

Some situations still are too tough to contain (mainly having to do with oppression, authority and being unseen). Some are already clear. Every situation has a life of its own and its own way to "fuck off" :D It is a challenge to be seen and felt. Then there might be no need in "Fuck off" hhh But till then - it is a process.

For me "diplomacy skills" only now start kicking in. Between reactivity and this there is a period of silence. I was just silently in the situation, feeling all this tightness, containing it. It is enormous. I never was able to contain this degree of internal pressure, not until the big breakdown. It can drive mad, this tension. But then silence drives others mad. They start to create more and more noise (I recognised myself there too, how it used to be), they can't handle silence. It is another way to say "fuck off". At least then people are not against me, there is no war on my side. They can see something is not okay with what is going on, for me. I talk with my eyes, my face, the body. A very obvious "fuck off" can be just in the eyes and in the energy of a person. Then much less words are needed really.

I remember Open did this a couple of times. I was really overwhelmed, in a funny way. It is like you talk to a person and suddenly he just leaves LOL Elvis has left the building. Well, what is not obvious in that? All that mannerism can be superfluous hhhh

Also, one of the challenges of being on the other side is actually seeing people going nuts and I know how tough it feels, but I can do nothing. It's really about knowing whose pain is whose and who's inflicting it hhh Taking responsibility for my part and leaving other people's part to them. It is not always obvious, until it is. And then it is easier for me.

"Women Who Run With Wolves"- looks goooood, this will be the next book I'll read :)


Hi Lia,

I'm totally with you about the distortions around control and manipulation in both men and women who have both co-created the patriarchy as a reflection of inner, distorted, divine masculine and divine feminine energies. That said, this distortion has manifested in the widespread abuse and oppression of women by men. I'm not saying by any means that women don't manipulate, control, and abuse men, as well. But I am saying that men still pretty much run the show and own the power overall. For example, men are rarely convicted when they rape women because the women are usually demonized and blamed. What's needed to unwind the glaring inequity and injustice is healing the wounded dragon within both men and women so that all life is respected and served equally.

I'm chuckling away and appreciate your comments around the nuances of saying "Fuck Off!" :D I particularly like the idea of the sounds of silence (as in "Shut 'Ma Mouth!") especially when I'm about to lose it and shoot from the hip! Yes, to diplomacy. As long as I can be a diplomatic warrior! Settle down, ray 1! :)

In all of this, I need to remind myself that no one is doing anything to me. As within, so without. Blame is so darn tempting at times. Sigh.

x Cathy

Hey Lia ,

Thanks for the suggestion. Its such an amazing series so far. I wonder how they managed to shoot it in all these countries across the globe. Then again its from the Wachowskis! Too bad it got cancelled.