Come fly with me...

After dithering for months about whether I should start my own journey thread or not, recent events indicated that yes, yes, I should. So. And now I've also got such a nice little introduction because thanks to aforementioned events, I started noticing a pattern in how I (currently) approach this inner journey.

First step is curiousity. Not noseyness, but inquisitiveness. (Does that word exist?) That's something I took with me from the New Year Retreat and the True Self exploration we did; curiosity is such a strong feature of my true self I felt. And in the months since increasingly I noticed that if I approach things from this angle – what would happen if I pushed this button? - I'm not scared at all to start poking at Big Stuff.

So, something sparks in my subconscious, conciousness goes: „What would happen if I did this?“, and what happens is usually me pulling the rug out from underneath my feet. I then spend the next few days feeling horrible and hiding in a book while keeping half an eye on the horribleness, then find my balance again, look around, notice the different view, like, things I hadn't seen before, and how other things are so much clearer from here, while other things I can't see at all anymore. That's usually the point where I start crying and flailing and going oh my God, I can't with the awesomeness of the Universe and wishing there was somebody I could share this awesomeness with.

Aren't you all lucky. :-)

Comments

So, having said that, let's get me to my most recent rug-pulling episode. It started with me wondering „what would happen if I could see/feel/communicate with the Greys in my field?“
This happened: http://www.openhandweb.org/comment/25625#comment-25625

And now I'm sitting here and trying to remember the awesomeness and putting everything into a sequence of events that makes sense. I'm not flying, not yet, more staggering around on the avalanche that the ground beneath my feet has turned into, watching, feeling as things slide past, click together, with such an amazing speed that leaves me no time at all to stop and breathe and process because wheeeee, I'm still zipping down that mountain. Or up? Don't ask me. I'm moving, dammit, and trying to not hold on.

Probably my cue to stop trying to put things into anything coherent here and just go with the flooooooow, dammit, why do I have to make so much sense, things are moving so fast, clickclickclick, shut up mind, don't try to understand, just let it go. And go, and go, aaaaand...

* I am so much bigger and more powerful and incredible and awesome than even little-ego-me has hoped for, and I am almost comfortable writing this down, yes, yes, whatever there is inside of me that's pushing me, stop it, I'm typing. (No, I'm not comfortable, but writing it anyway).

* That thing I've stirred up? It's the Big One. Some time this morning between screaming my head off and trying to rip my pyjamas, I felt that it has shaped most of my life, that 33 of my 36 years were in some way playing out this karma, and then I realised what are you trying to tell me here, Universe that my home address is 33 Church Street and my father's comment when I moved in was „oh, that's easy to remember: Church – Jesus – died when he was 33“, what. I always knew that obviously it's not a coincidence that I moved in here but what.

In that moment I also knew, remembered, that when I came into this world this time around, I knew that this was it, that this was what was coming, I – ack, crying makes typing so hard – but I knew, before I was born, and I forgot when I was born, I could see it like this is the overall arc of the story, with events as single episodes fitting in and being part of it.

The word TRUST flashing out in big letters, yes, I know, oh how I know, on so many levels.

Gosh it's so hard writing this down... and then not deleting it.

Stop controlling, let it go...

* I think it might be activating so soon because I activated it before, in this life, not deliberately, but due to circumstances – and what does it say that I drew there circumstances, what, argh, it's such a mess – because I've been doing this kind of work before. Not alone, mostly in a group or guided by someone who knew what she was doing. Not that I entirely understood it. I remember her once making a comment along the lines of throwing me in at the deep end, and oh my god, I'm only now slowly starting to understand how woefully unpreprared I was for what was going on. Which she probably knew, too, I don't believe she did it maliciously,but – there was nobody else left to help.

Which leads me to * Absolutely happened again in this life. Being tricked, trapped in the „light and love“ bubble, it happened during this previous work, I just remembered the feeling this morning, of everything being light around me and somehow soft, but at the same time feeling cut off, restless, terrified maybe, something wasn't right, feeling guilty for not being able to accept that everything was light, balanced on the knife edge of wanting to push it all away, not feel this, not feel anything of it, and part of me screaming WRONG at me.

So when I remembered, I went into it, felt into it, let it fill me – the screaming and pyjama ripping started around that time – feeling as though I was in a fish tank, all was light and softness, but something was missing, I was moving along the barrier, and there was the thought of „hey, man, where's my body?“ There but not, I felt it but it was somehow not connect to me, I wasn't connected to it, just vaguegly, just enough for the sensation of WRONG to filter through, catching a glimpse of what I was made to do -

And here I'd been wondering why I'd been so obsessively reading and rereading Avenger fanfiction strongly featuring the emotional mess that is Tony Stark and the Winter Soldier. Brainwashed, trapped, used as a weapon? Oh, oh, ow, I really need to start paying more attention to what I'm doing.

And the thing is, the thing is? By the time I sent myself to therapy in 2011, I had already mostly left this body.

Right. This needs time, processing time. Cup of tea, too (the blend I'm drinking today is called „Love“). So, going offline, I'd say sorry about unloading – if Soul would let me. :-)

Sorry but not?

Thanks for riding that rollercoaster with me. :-)

I love this thread. Thank you Heike for expressing yourself so inquisitively and openly. Alex, your presence is very engaging - lovely to read.

Very fascinating to ride the rollercoaster with you Heike (and Alex) – I remember the True Self exploration we did together Heike at the New Year Retreat. I also have a very inquisitive bodymind and I can be well, at times ‘way too grounded’! Though, particularly in the past, it is in my dreams that I tend to fly and feel the ethereal body a lot more (or ‘coming out of the body’, as you call it and if I understand its meaning correctly), which feels great. So, your beautiful ethereal exploration at the retreat was very uplifting.

I don’t want to sound non-empathic but the ‘trying to rip my pyjamas’ comment made me giggle. Blending humour, inquisitiveness and inquiry is powerfully engaging. So, looking forwards to more ‘unloading’.

Alex, yes, like you I see flying similar to freedom indeed. Inner flying and outer flying :)

thanks guys x

So, I'm back online after a few days off. Really interesting days, too. Lots of internal exploring, all of it muddled now, I'm not even going to try and put things into order. Maybe not even into words.

Funny thing is, there is some kind of... residue? maybe? or the feeling as though there should be a feeling? ... as though I haven't done enough. A distant voice yelling at me that after so many days, I ought to know more. I should have connected the dots and processed these things and so on. I know that voice, that kind of thinking. Only this time, I'm not inside of it, it's over there, running around in circles, and I'm over here and feeling... calm. Balanced, but in a ready-for-action kind of way.

A calm after a storm. Kind of.

When I feel deeper, it's as though I can almost sense things shifting and moving at a deeper level, just below my consciousness. It feels as though there is a giant voice telling me WAIT. BE PATIENT.

Funnily enough, this time, I can be.

Awesome.

More perhaps later. When I feel this certain pushing, sunburst sensation around my bellybutton again that tells me to write this down now. :-)

But I wanted to say thanks, Alex and Aspasia, for your replies.

Hehe, Alex, isn't funny/weird/fascinating how things mirror, reflect across the distance? Hey, I'd love to read your "journey" thread - maybe there will be something in your sharings that I resonate with? :-)

(Fun fact though: As much as I love internal flying and throwing myself over those cliffs: On the outside, I'm afraid of heights...)

My gut reaction to the dream you described was: Yes, exactly! And then: Oh, they didn't like that...

Loved the image of you stomping your feet. Power, yeah! *punches air*

Aspasia, every time I feel that curiosity in me rise, I remember you during the True Self exploration, with your head tilted just so, and that smile. So, in a way, you're always there at the start of each inner step. :-) (Hope that doesn't sound creepy...)

And no worries, I kind of loved my pyjama-ripping episode. Mostly because I just grabbed the first thing and pulled, without caring in the least about maybe ripping it or not - how many times are we told as children to not do this or that because we might break things? But why? They're just things... - that was freedom and joy - even through the pain - so if you felt it too, awesome!

Love this Heike!: "When I feel deeper, it's as though I can almost sense things shifting and moving at a deeper level, just below my consciousness. It feels as though there is a giant voice telling me WAIT. BE PATIENT.
Funnily enough, this time, I can be."

We co-created beautifully at the course, so it all sounds perfect to me and our creation is in my heart. Know that the image of you in your playfulness, angelic vibe and deep pure vastness was at the course and still is a twin flame energy that is showing me 'trust'. So, I am very grateful.

You said: " (the pyjama ripping)...that was freedom and joy - even through the pain - so if you felt it too, awesome!" Yes, felt it all with you.

Will be off-line for a while (so not with you flying...) but so much looking forward to seeing you in June and fly - physically - together. Heights are an illusion, there are no heights! ;)

Much love x

Apparently. Apparently, when I go deep inside, switch off all thoughts, immerse myself into feeling, follow whatever it is inside and express it in what ever way it wants to be expressed – I sing.

I didn't know that.

I didn't know, and yet it feels so right, so me that even just typing this moves me to tears.

And there is the „rational“ voice in my head wondering what I am about, doubting the experience, wondering what I mean by „so me“, aren't I always me?

But deeper, right below my ribcage on the left – about the height of the floating rip there, thanks, current translation project, for providing me with that knowledge – there is still this sensation, a glowing, light, soft spot, like a fuzzy ball of white-golden light, that humms with the experience, aaaand crying again.

That was amazing. An amazing experience. A bit like coming home. To me. Arriving at myself?

I am that, this song.

Uh, really hard typing this, there is a strong, strong impulse, something, that tries to stop this, stop me from typing, shut up, you're delusional, trying to suffocate the light, the song. Phew, breathing's getting harder, gonna write it all anyway. Start at the beginning.

So, I had a really, really powerful session with Tonya on Monday evening. Walked around in a bit of a daze all Tuesday. Started seeing first, um, well, results yesterday. But the process was also still on-going. We had managed to remove something hard and blocking me in from around the solar plexus, like a metal shield. However, it had settled in so deep, that although the metal thing was gone, it had left a residue of some kind. Looks like dark grey smoke to me. Breathing into it moved it a little, but didn't dissolve it all the way. And that was okay, it felt to me as though it would take a few days.

I kept breathing into it, several times throughout the next day, whenever it came into my mind. Yesterday morning in the train I got the feeling that no, breathing alone wouldn't help. It needed movement. So I tried that this morning (public holiday, yay, all the time in the world!), first breathing into it, and then following whatever movement wanted to be made.

So amazing. There was focus on the impulse inside, what motion is need here, and now there, slow, fast, arms following it or not, with just a peripheral awareness of what the body was actually doing. Usually it's the other way round, I'm kind of watching what the body is doing and only peripherally aware of what is going on inside. Not today, there was just movement with the flow.

Discovery of this part under the left rips. Recognition, been here before. It needed to move as well, moving, moving to make it move. What are you? Touching it, light, a sound came up through the throat. More sounds. Following the sounds, focusing on not trying to control, just go with them. Sounds turned into syllables, syllables ran together, almost like words.

Mind trying to intrude, shut up, I'm not listening. These are words, this is a song, not any language I know, but I know this. This is me, this is who I am, melody, sounds, a song.

Nothing has ever felt so right, so centred, so complete before. There is just song, light, moving the energy, hands are following, translating the notes into movement.

A strong sense of „I've done this before“ arises, like a memory. Mind wants to focus, to analyze, to know what and when and all the details. Refusal to follow the questions, following the notes instead. Song changes, impression is of something strong, sacred, preparing souls to step into the light. Words turn into a language I know, and I can't continue, I'm crying too hard.

So strong, so amazing, and it hurts in a way that tells me this is truth – though hurts is the wrong word, it's not pain, just really, really intense feeling.

Okay, this is it, can't type anymore. Won't reread this for typos or anything, will post it though it's scary to do it, feeling a bit nauseous just thinking about it.

Oh, that first song I sang, or rather, that was sung throuhg me? That was a lullaby.

When I am aware of something inside me I sometimes express it in vocalizations also. Good to hear I am not alone.

In reply to by treebrother

Hi Eddie,

Nope, definitely not the only one. :-)

I'm curious, though, if you don't mind me asking - do you voice whatever comes up, whatever note, sound, or do you sing as in actual songs?

I've been experimenting over the last days, and though a song sometimes works best, I afterwards have the joy of having a completely different song stuck in my head. (Remember Me, sung by the Celtic Tenors, when what I wanted and listened to was Fare thee well, love. Argh).

How about you?

Lots of love,
Heike

I have always sung when i felt confident enough to let it fly. I have learned through my own experience that my truest expression is in a combination of sounds. Sometimes lyrics, sometimes the lyrics get changed on the fly, not even words necessarily, maybe just tones to describe deep inner feelings. And whistling, lots of that, LOL Can't wait to talk in person!!! Eddie

Hi Heike, this is inspirational reading your amazing experience. Looks like you are making a lot of progress on your journey of exploration.

 

Sooo. I’ve been quiet around here for a while. Probably would have staid quiet a while longer, but I was recently reminded that being reticent about experiences doesn’t help, so here I am, sharing this Tuesday’s experience. Take your time and get yourself something to drink. Long post is long. Yes, it was that big an experience. Slightly Smiling

 

It began in the morning, when I walked into my office, saw the empty spot on my desk where the laptop usually sits, and realised that I had forgotten the bag, with the laptop inside, on the train. Uh-huh. Oh, shhhh. I can still feel my knees go wobbly and my heartbeat speed up when I think of it. What do you do in such a moment?

 

After some panicked conferencing with two co-workers, I remembered that my mother’s workplace is close to the train’s final stop. So I called her to ask if she would mind dashing to the train station, hop on the train before it turns around and goes back, and check if the bag was still there. She agreed (thank youuuuuu), but sadly, the bag was gone.

 

So I confessed to our IT guy and then called the train company’s lost and found service. The lady on the phone wasn’t very hopeful when I told her what had happened. “Well, if the laptop wasn’t there when the train ended, chances are very small you will get it back. It’s more likely someone grabbed it and walked.” But she took all the details down and wished me good luck.

 

That done, I finally took the time to sit down, take a deep breath, and take stock. Stomach a hard, tight, painful knot, heartbeat still unsteady, knees still wobbly, still feeling slightly faint and very Not Good. There was a moment’s impulse to push all of that away, but I caught it in time and then focused on just feeling everything. Just being aware, allowing myself to feel, holding the sensations inside of my body.

 

After a while, with my body calming down, my mind went to the laptop. I didn’t feel the lady would be right. Yes, I could feel the fear – vaguely, half hidden, but waiting to take over. I refused to pay attention. A thought arose from the maelstrom. “If it’s meant to be, my laptop will come back to me.” Felt an instant, almost infinitesimal tightening inside. No, that wouldn’t work. So, what if – I just held the space for the laptop to come back?

 

Just the thought, and I felt, underneath that tight, painful knot, a little space opening inside. It felt happy, almost, and very light. So I held that.

 

Spent most of the morning with at least part of my awareness focused either on holding the feelings or holding the open space. Lunch time came, and there was that gentle impulse to check my e-mails. “Nah”, said the mind. “It’s too early to have heard from the lost and found people.” But the impulse was there and why not do it?

 

Well, I had two e-mails from the lost and found people. The first was the confirmation that they had registered my laptop as lost, basically saying: “We don’t have it, but we’ll keep looking for it.”

 

The second one said: “Hey, your laptop was found. We’ve got it here, come pick it up!”

 

A miracle? Well, a relief for sure. But it really felt more like a natural consequence of what I’d been doing all morning. With that space open, with no expectation or hope or wishes to fill it up, what could the laptop do other then come back? Still, I bounced up from behind my desk and dashed for the next train to Cologne central station to pick up the laptop. And while I stood there on the train I mused that, actually, all of that had been a good experience. Not conventionally good, no. But good because I was present in it. Because I felt it all and stayed with it. Awesome.

 

But the experience didn’t end there. Nope.

 

Naturally, IT confiscated the laptop when I brought it back, and IT guy told me I wouldn’t get the laptop back before Monday at the earliest. Not just because he needed to run the tests, but also because they were going to encrypt the laptop (huh?) and that this was something they were going to do with all company laptops, so mine would be the “vanguard”. And that … that’s something that has been popping up repeatedly over the past few months: vanguard; trailblazer. Pioneer.

 

There mere fact that I started crying while typing those words tells me there is something there that wants to … come out?

 

Yeah, excuse me, need to go hide in the loo and sob for a while.

 

 

Okay. Better now. At least enough that I can keep typing. Because yes, there is still more. Because all good things come in threes.

 

Number three was the realisation that this situation with the laptop actually played out one of the things I felt most terrified of. Not the losing something – but making a mistake. Making a mistake through some failing on my part, something that I could have done better, something that could have been avoided if only I had paid more attention. A mistake that is undeniable, has tangible consequences, and that puts people in authority, people who have power over me, into the justified position of punishing me.

 

Yeah. Remember how I said somewhere above that I felt that this experience was a good one? Well, then. Imagine how I felt after that realisation. I’d lived through my worst nightmare – and nothing bad happened. It had actually been a pretty good thing to happen. I had made a mistake – and the world didn’t end. That’s … yeah. Pretty big. Slightly Smiling

 

So, in conclusion: Big. Experience.

 

(need a nap now)

 

Thanks for reading this far. Heart

 

Much love,

Heike

 

 

Hi Heike,

what a beautiful sharing! And I feel a lot of recognition in the part of failing someone, being punished for something or feeling rejected. A few months ago I had an insight/vision that what I really was afraid of was the rejection of the 'big me', the authentic self. I saw how I kept myself small so that the big self would not be seen. There is this core fear in a lot of us that when we show ourselves we will be rejected. Then a guilt builds up surrounding that which we truly are. The path that I walk right now is so non-conformistic that almost every week I'm being 'punished' by society for not meeting its standards. At one point when I was so afraid of what would happen I suddenly, out of the blue, took on the vantage point of my higher self and looked at the Eelke that was twisting and turning on the couch: my higher self didn't flinch. It seemed like he was not even invested in me! It showed me the two perspectives a single soul can have at any one situation and how far those two perspectives can lie apart. 

Luckily your laptop was found again and trust had made it reappear. Or you staying present in it. When I'm in those situations I sometimes say to myself: there's always a back-door. Or something like: there is no reality! just to remind myself reality is not set in stone. Even if it still goes 'wrong' then I know my higher self doesn't flinch and sees it as just another experience.     

🙏🏻✨Eelke.

Dear Apollonius ,

 

I actually resonate with this a great deal even though ,in so many ways ,I'm living on the other side of the spectrum. I am living ,at least on the face of it ,a life that checks off all the boxes . I'm totally confirming with the way society works. And yet ,within this I am finding threads of Me. Just who I am . And it's always been a weird sometimes inauthentic dance I would do to prevent showing my self . And yet,after the retreat ,I can feel myself showing up more. In the dense situations and the dense relationships and even the commute. I am just showing up as Me. In my entirety. And interesting stuff is being set into motion- opportunities to travel to Bhutan and help within their health system ,a book ' out of the blue'. I am also inadvertantly triggering other people. Out of the blue ,a colleague that I have a deep connection with started railing at me about how all my talk of environmental catastrophe is hogwash . He went on and on . It left me feeling deeply hurt and enraged . I am still ,three days later equalizing with the deep hurt - something along the lines of ' They want to hurt me even though I am telling them the Truth' . It is a deep karmic hurt and I feel very abandoned. And it's taken me three days and six Openhand bows to be even able to feel it. It does seem to be unwinding itself somewhat. After staying with it for a while ,I got the impression as if something within me was 'set free' . Anastasia ,I felt instantly that this too is related to Sirius though I don't ' see' any images ,just deep very very painful feelings of being wronged and misunderstood . 

Reflections are welcome - I just noticed I wrote out of the blue twice . 

Megha

Dear Megha,

it's great to hear that after the retreat you show more of the real you. And it's bringing some new opportunities and also some some denser stuff. Yes it seems like the Universe is giving you some positive feedback loops when you show up as YOU but some other people are seemingly not doing so. So immediately, just like with me, your new acquired consciousness is being put to the test to fully ground it. So you leave a retreat all happy and spaced out and then 'BOOM' the density hits you once you get home and then the Universe asks: how do you feel now? Still dancing in bliss? hahaha.....at least that's been my experience since my return but I gather it might be somewhat the same for more people. I felt a lot going on in my field after the retreat and also a great feeling of expansiveness but now I have to work through it and it ain't easy for my separate self🙉

only one thing to do: keep bowing into it till ye drop

Hi!

Heike, thanks for taking the time to share your big experience here! Somehow your way to writing is so like the way you are, that as I was reading I was seeing it unfold in front of me Slightly Smiling. And I can only imagine how I would have felt in the same situation! And yes, I can relate a lot to that feeling of not making a mistake, that I could have done better and avoided the situation.

Appolinius, like Megha I resonate with your sharing, although I am also probably more on the other spectrum like Megha, living on the face of it a life that checks the boxes. I recognize the feelings of disappointing others, being punished by them or being rejected for ‘my mistakes’. Hence the controlling aspect of me that will do everything to try and avoid that from happening. And Megha, when I read your ' They want to hurt me even though I am telling them the Truth' that really struck something! That it is better to hide than to express my truth, because of those that might lash back at you. Haha,I wasn’t sure about the expression ‘lashing back’, and synchronistically as I googled it, the Youtube song below popped up that seems quite fitting here!

'I can feel it on the back of my tongue. All of the words, getting trapped in my lungs. Heavy like a stone, waiting for the river to run'

And Appolinius, haha yes 'keep bowing into it till ye drop'! Hungry

Heike - it is indeed a powerful experience - thanks for sharing it here Thumbs Up Sign

To me it shows just how much can come up at the simplest of things - losing a laptop, but what that then can mean and what it might do internally. Of course the point of the Living the Shift work was not to turn away from the experiences that come up, but to turn into them and work them through, because we manifest and create everything - including losing the laptop! And it all has a purpose - to create reflections of inner tightness, like worthlessness and guilt, that we can then expose and work through to release by questioning and feeling deep into. So situations like these can be a great blessing if we're prepared to embrace them and take the jewels from them. Similar happened to me recently when I left my laptop in a market square, which was then picked up later by a distant acquaintance. So well done that you confronted the feelings.

Marije - I just love that song - awesome!

Open HeartPraying Emoji

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your replies and reflections. It was so lovely to watch what people resonated with and how that took things into new directions ... like watching ripples on a pond. Let's ripple on. Smliing

Eelke – Thanks for your awesome sharing. There’s so much in what you said that I don’t (yet) have the words to reply to it. But I can feel things moving – rippling – at the back of my awareness, so awesome.

I had to laugh at this bit: So you leave a retreat all happy and spaced out and then 'BOOM' the density hits you once you get home and then the Universe asks: how do you feel now? Still dancing in bliss? Because yes, same here. So much. And it’s frustrating on the one hand, but on the other so so awesome when you manage to work through the density and come out the other end, maybe not exactly dancing but at least with a light skip to your step. Wink Emoji

Megha – loved your sharing. It’s so awesome to read about you feel that your true self is showing up more. I can definitely feel the energy coming through strong and clear. No surprise you’re triggering others. And just as I was pondering what to say to you, this quote popped up on my dash:

Every struggle you’ve ever overcome makes it all worth it when meeting those who still hide from theirs.

- Komoni

I don’t know, but I feel there’s a message in there for you. Heart

Marije – soooo, I’ve been trying to find a way to say this that doesn’t sound pushy to me, but it won’t come, so maybe I need to be say it this way after all. See, I find it super interesting that you would say that you’re “living on the face of it a life that checks the boxes.” Because from where I am sitting, you’ve been unchecking some of those boxes over the past months. Job? Parents?  Those seem to be pretty major ones on the “not sanctioned by society” path. :D

My feet are tingling as I type this. How are you feeling?

 

I also find it really interesting that it’s the guy walking a “not conformist with society” path, and the three ladies – yep, I’m including myself here, because definitely – who are on the other end of the spectrum, totally conformist on the face of it. Am I wearing my gendered glasses or is that something women struggle with more? Thoughts?

 

Open – so what is it about losing laptops? Tears

 

Well, looking back I clearly see that I left mine on the train so that I could work through that fear. For a few days I had wondered why it happened like that, because as I said, I’d been meditating on the train, feeling into expansion. Why would I manifest losing the laptops, then? Why density when I was feeling lightness? But of course: through the expansion I hit that wall, that fear. It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to manifest.

It’s so amazing, humbling, even, to see just how the state of my consciousness shapes things around me.

So, to keep the ball rolling that way …

Tuesdays seem to be great days for great experiences. This past Tuesday morning, I came across a tubmlr post that asked “what is the driving force in your life right now?” (Full post here). The bit that caught my attention was this:

what do you think about when you go to bed at night?That thing you can’t get off your mind, no matter how hard you try? ⠀⠀⠀
The thing is… is that emotional charge a positive force or a negative force in your life?“

“Great question”, I thought. “A simple, easy-to-use tool to find out what I am giving emotional charge to right now. So let’s see, the answer …” –  and suddenly things shifted in my head, click-click-click, and I got swamped with an understanding that left me shaking, terrified and exhilarated. 

First click – well-timed question, I’d spent an hour awake Sunday night, mind lost in a “day-dream”. And I mean lost, because my mind seemed to be doing things on its own, I was just lying there, watching this movie it was showing me and trying to calm down enough to at least relax.

Second click – the mind movie showed this great, wise being (let’s call her Mary Sue) light into the Jedi council of Phantom Menace about their treatment of Anakin and how this thing they are so concerned about, the Jedi order with all its rules and traditions that sanctions kicking an already traumatised boy out? Is already dead. Because if they continue the path they are on, there will be war and Order 66 and they will all die, the Jedi order destroyed. Or they can change now and maybe, maybe avoid the worst.

But really, bottom line. The thing they represent, the thing they are attached to? Is already dead.

Sink with this ship? Or change?

(took a long, long while to fall asleep …)

Third click – Tuesday morning’s paper had a front page article about the threatening mass extinction and how man was responsible for the fact that 1 million species of flora and fauna out of the 8 million on this planet, are currently faced by that threat.

Click, the mind went again, and combined mind movie with headline.

The way we have been going about things? How we have been living our lives? Is already dead.

Do we sink with this ship or do we change?

Click, the mind went again, presenting me with the answer to the question the post asked. The emotional charge in my life right now?

Change.

The challenge to change. Or sink with the ship, I suppose.

My reaction to that is immediate, an incredibly strong and unstoppable upwelling of:

Challenge accepted.

Whoooooo. Okay. Okay. Breathe.

I write it down and post my reply on my blog, and all the while I can feel it, in my chest, this incredible sense of unravelling. Everything is dissolving, disappearing, there is just this sense of warmth and bright light left. All Tuesday I kept coming back to it, poking at it, feeling into it.

Oh shit, I think I am about to quit my job. Halpimterrified.

Wednesday morning, I’m talking to a co-worker, and after a while the conversation turns to the trouble she’s having with the new admin on her team. How he’s not interested in truly understanding the process, doesn’t work proactively, actually makes mistakes that could have huge financial consequences for the company, and how the entire team is suffering for it. Suddenly I can hear myself saying: “Well, you know, I can help, maybe, take over some stuff?”

Wait. Wasn’t I about to quit? What I am doing here, offering to take on more work? Things develop quickly after that; the other admin on the team is delighted at the thought and the team leader is going to talk to our boss in their weekly meeting and suddenly I’m more involved than before, instead of less.

What happened?

So I spent all of yesterday trying to figure that one out. Okay, well, it is a change. Just not the one I was maybe expecting. Or hoping for. But a change. Not a mistake.

Hmm. Mistake. Interesting, that this is coming up again. Yes, there is that feeling again, that fear of the mistake, just like last week. But faintly, this time, distantly. I can look at it now, see and feel: This is not me. I can choose whether I want to feel that or not. I turn away.

It was not a mistake. I am not trapped.

Ooh. That one is new. Trapped.

As I am writing this down and see the word, trapped, it seems to me as though that’s what I’m invited to explore now. Being or feeling trapped. I can already feel tightness in my throat, uuh, yeah, okay. There definitely is something here.

Oh. Of course, that is what happened. Like before: as I was expanding, I hit another wall. Or as Open puts it: when the hot-air balloon of the soul rises, it pulls on the old tethers.

There’s a lot of pulling going on.

(maybe the office is not the best location to explore feeling trapped, oh shhhhh, this is scary)

But, you know. At the end of things, this is the reason why I kind of love my job after all. Because it offers me all these experiences for learning, discovering, growing. Changing.

Plus, that admin position? That I will now, maybe, partially take over? Over the course of the past year, it has already "eaten" two people (aka neither made it to the end of their probation period). So if my boss moves me there? Give it six months, and I’ll be out of here. Tears

 

 

I am feeling a little ashamed of posting this- so therefore it needs to get posted. A bit of change is happening which feels devastating ( =Karma) . The team with which I have been working is leaving ,likely within the next month. They are not even going yet ,just examining the possibility - but it's a hospital that already has a Neonatologist so I can't go( They are trying to take me along ,but there isn't room for me there ). For some reason ,this very innocuous happenstance has spiralled me into deep deep grief ,feeling of abandonment and betrayal. At one point felt stabbed on the left side of my chest and abdomen. I am obviously very attached to my colleagues because unlike most places ,it's more like family( even our WhatsApp group says Pediatric Family)  . My boss is more like my mom than my real mom and I have deep connections with several of my other colleagues. I am feeling deep deep hurt and am trying to contain it ( screamed at my hubby in the morning - so not a 100 percent successful ) . My heart feels like it it is breaking and lifetimes of grief are coming up. I felt this level of pain when my dad passed away ,so distraught I have been. I am attempting to stay with it - which requires many visits to the bathroom to cry my eyes out. 

In some ways I'm a little ashamed that I am so attached to this situation ,these people that even the thought they will leave is so hard .( I was about to write killing me ) . Surely I should be more detached than this . Sigh! 

I'm Bowing ,I'm Bowing ! :)

Reflections welcome ,as always 

 

Megha 

Megha 

Hi Heike,

Thanks for your latest post, which again made me feel I was right there with you as I was reading! Change indeed! Somehow the sentence 'Do we sink with this ship or do we change?' jumped out at me....

And thanks for your reflections on my post, haha Hungry. Curious why you would think it might sound pushy, to me it just seemed like an honest reflection back to me. And it did make me reflect on what I wrote and probably the emphasis should have very much been on 'on the face of it'. I am very good at creating a kind of 'cloak' that has particular emphasis on the areas of my life where I do tick the boxes and takes the attention away from where I don't tick the boxes. It's like I am hiding the parts of myself that don't tick the boxes from the view. Although, under the face of it, if I really let rip, I probably don't really tick any of these boxes Slightly Smiling! Thanks for triggering this inquiry!

Heike I always find your sharings very engaging, authentic, full of humor and in real-dream time. So, Im kinda pulled to emerge for a mo and notice something that brings a smile to my face and indeed triggers an inquiry when one - as Marije so eloquently put it - is 'on the face of it'.  The combination of the words/narrative/energy in your last post Heike: 'mistake', 'change', 'discovering', 'growing' and then Megha's really touching input with the key statement 'should be more detached' in face of felt loss really created a synergetic landscape that is deeply moving.

I feel my losses have arisen in many ways: loss of loved ones (humans, animals, earth...), loss of a cherished (free) image of oneself, sometimes loss of perceived freedoms, even loss of perceived outdated or unwanted images about oneself. Perceived loss of opportunities, losses from perceived mistakes and even total loss of oneself. I feel like when in the face of grief, in whatever form the 'loss' arises, or in the face of any moment in life that invites a response, either we are in distortion or in truth, as we know there is always both arising!, Rumi's words come to mind:

Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

And this is how it feels to Bow - thank you Megha - to the moment that invites me to be exactly as I am in it without second guessing myself. Let the beauty we recognise and give our attention to in every moment be what we do. Heart

*crawls out from under a Pile of Stuff Happening*

Uh, hi. So I went silent there again for a while. Kinda fell down the rabbit hole and I'm currently dealing with things by not dealing with them at all. Part of me would really like to bury her head in the sand and pretend all is fine until she has managed to stuff everything back into a box. And do you know how bloody annoying it is when you want to do that, but another part of yourself is awake and aware and watching what you're doing? And actually, kind of constantly pointing out to you that what you're doing there? You don't really need to do this at all, you know. Argh.

Yes, I'm mad about not being able to stuff myself in a box anymore. No more comfortably numb for me, seems like.

Uuuugh.

Anyway, I wanted to at least pop by and say thank you, Megha, Marije, and Aspasia, for your comments and reflections. Especially the reflections - seems that was a theme there? Honest reflections? Because I was thinking about being trapped and the reflection I got was loss.

Uuuuuuuugh. Yeah. Stuff Happening.

So thank you, lovely ladies, for shoving me down the rabbit hole. It's a bit dark and cramped and uncomfortable down here, and I keep banging my head on things and my crown chakra aches like the blazes sometimes. But I know it's good to be here, it is necessary and right, and I can almost, kind of, maybe, see the light at the other end.

How serendipitous that I have a session with Tonya scheduled tonight. There'll be some adventures in wonderland, I'm sure.

Lots of love to all who're reading and especially to those who're down their own rabbit holes.

HeartVulcan Salute

(and a Squid for some more ripples!)