My experiences

For the last couple of weeks i have been going through lot of emotional and mental pain with frustration anger and dissatisfaction. I was with the belief it has got something to do with my life situations and hence wanting to move on from my current place and work. Now i get that my situations only acts as a trigger to some pain seated much deeper.
Last night when i went deeper into the pain i had the experience which is think is karmic related. I have had this experience maybe even from childhood but this time it was much more intense. I did not experience any physical pain as such but it was very much like being tortured or killed. Please pardon me if im drawing any false conclusion. I had the fear of going deeper with it and couldnt think clear because of the mental fog or chaos i was in. I havent got any idea really how to deal with this pain or experience. This morning i was left with the same old uncomfortable feeling. How long would i have to go through this until i can find an opening.



Hi Open,

Today i went ahead and made myself honest as i possibly could. It wasn't easy but i was glad i could do it. Unfortunately she dint share least of my sentiment and couldn't understand without resistance. I know she blames herself for my lack of enthusiasm in giving into the societies ways and all the 'misconduct' i have done. I really expected more. The anger made me think i want to do it just for the sake of being disobedient. I wish i could behave openly as i wish. There is shame in being dependent still. I guess i'm merely looking for agreement - this and many other things. I hope get the full picture in the future. Yet i feel something has definitely unraveled. There is pain in the third eye and crown area probably psychic attack and i'm working into the acceptance of it.

Now when i think about it i have many unspoken agreement with other members of my family - like this is the way to behave or otherwise things would get uncomfortable. Would it help if i intentionally challenge these norms ?

I do breakthrough breathing meditation many times in a day. It very quickly calms me down and i feel self acceptance. And i certainly enjoy spending an evening in nature than high in weed. But i like to get reckless sometimes and be curious and go for a little change when things get a little too repetitive.

How to really tell if a choice is from the ego or the soul? So for instance in the above discussion the initiation for me to have expansion seemed to me came from the ego but it eventually led to me to contemplate honesty in relationships. (My sacral chakra was beating while i wrote this) So it seems to be more of a soul oriented decision.
2 years before when i was without a job in another place i was with the belief that things should arrive to me which stopped me from going out and getting atleast a part time job which would have made things easy then. Things did eventually arrive which i would have never imagined me doing which tested me mentally emotionally and even physically. So was i right even when i was wrong? The decision to leave that place and job and to travel shifted things internally quite a bit. But then why and who made that choice?

Hi Vimal.

There is immense truth in the question you are asking. Indeed, who is that is making a choice?. Is there a 'who' at all? If the ego is the part of us that gets attached to the drama, then does it really exist as separate from the soul? We often hear that ego is an illusion - yes, the identity is an illusion - but the pull to act from that place is not because that's coming from the karma that you have and therefore is an authentic exploration.

That's why often, as you have observed, there may be elements of both ego and soul in choices. The two are not really separate - as Open says 'the only thing going on is self realisation'.

I hope this makes sense.

With love

Hi Richard,

Yes that makes sense. I have always considered the ego as separate from authentic self and to be avoided even. Nowadays i see that its only the ego that's trying to avoid itself and what wants to happen will happen. I used to feel and still to some degree regret of taking ego led choices and classifying it as some mistake. I see i actually have a choice whether to give in to the conditioned behaviorism or urges and thoughts in my head and the choice is purely based on which serves me better.

It's a great exchange indeed!

In the Openhand Approach choice is ultimately an illusion. You're going to make the choices you're going to make - all based on the conditioning of the ego and then the interplay of soul emergence. It's important to surrender into your choices, because only then, can you rationalise and resolve them with awareness. By bringing awareness into what you do, helps see and feel the ego, which you can then work to unravel by expressing the authenticity of the soul - felt as a sense of rightness.

Why do we make choices?

That's an interesting video. The most obvious question is how can i trust the ego to make any choice. I guess i will have to figure it out by myself. Also with intentions , i think i know that in the Openhand approach the intention is coming from the ego. But if that's the case what about intention supporting the spiritual growth like that to fast or be honest in relationship for instance. I think I'm judging it by the outcome from it than the bigger picture.

Today I'm contemplating the supposed obligation and responsibility between father and child. Is that merely the conditioning of the mind? I talked openly with my father about it. We don't talk much so it was very difficult. There was pain in my heart chakra and was difficult getting the words out. But that's how i know I'm moving in the right direction. I know he expects me to be a certain way and i expect love and support in return. He is someone i guess you could call a classic non - dualist , so his replies was more suited in that way. But i could tell it was difficult for him also. But for all my effort i couldn't really find an easy opening as in the prior cases.

I know everything's not lost.

PS : I love the new 5D shift header

"How can I trust the ego to make any choice?" - great question!

    The point of the video (and this philosophy which concurs) is you're going to make the choice you're going to make anyway! Although you could go into denial and not do anything. Much better to dive right into the obvious choice that presents - that you've clearly manifested, whether distorted or not. It's only by diving fully in, that you create the reflections you need to see - then by challenging what you've created, starts to bring about realignment to a greater rightness, governed more by the soul.

Then you ask: "Also with intentions , i think i know that in the Openhand approach the intention is coming from the ego. But if that's the case what about intention supporting the spiritual growth like that to fast or be honest in relationship for instance."

In the Openhand Approach we work to draw the distinction between mind led intention and soul inspired impulse. The two are very different. A mind led intention begins with a preconceived idea about what you're going to do, based on a perceived need. A soul inspired impulse is is something that arises as a sense of rightness coming from beyond the small I needs, wants or desires. So as you rightly point out, an authentic impulse to be honest in relationships for example.

Finally, with your father, if there's no 'easy opening', then the likelihood is there's no pathway - at this time - for the souls to dance in realisation. In which case, the exchange might be stilted and fruitless. If the synchronicities and reflections tell you this, then it would be worth exploring what the neediness or sense of obligation is? However, if a pathway clearly wants to open up naturally, which is supported by synchronicity, then the likelihood is you're aligned with your soul and the exchange likely to bear fruit.


Open *OK*

Hey open ,

I love it when im in the flow realizing , expanding and creating new pathways. However the ego quickly owns the new expansions and now im chasing some lost dream. Im back in the old ways and there is frustration cause i cant express as i want to. There is constant pain near the heart and solar plexus. I keep reminding myself that i dont have to try at all singing the chorus of the song "Colbie Caillat - Try" in my mind :D . And as you point out there's no way out of this either and its better to chase it than do nothing at all. Still i can see the pathways opening upto new ways which i would have never imagined with my mind. Also if im not mistaken i think im stepping onto the gateway 2 corridor.

Yesterday i was meditating in my favorite cliff top and i was working to accept the karmic pain in my pelvic area and out of the blue this teenager wearing a leg casting came and sat near me and he had this big smile. Here he was with a dozen other medical condition, alone at the top of a mountain(!) with a inspiring positive outlook towards life and a love for adventure and cycling with Danny Macaskill for an idol. Damn, suddenly all of my pain seemed so small.

This chorus of the song spoke to me yesterday that im looking for some savior to take away the density and grant me with what i want forgetting that its all just me!

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?
And who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

With love

Vimal :)

That's beautiful Vimal - yes, there's nothing to do but confront the pain and turn into it. Let it break you down, so you can touch the free flowing soul. You're doing amazing my friend - just keep right on going. *ok*

And as for the song, it touched me so deeply - thankyou from the heart for sharing.

Open *give_rose*

So paradoxically it means surrendering the illusion of choice is the best way to progress faster and not by figuring out the best choice. I'm back at being just the observer of myself. Simple yet profound.

I play football on weekends with my friends. I play hard and effort too much. I try to perform and in the end feels so exhausted. Its probably some conditioning i picked up when i was younger.I have tried to play cool but it just wasn't me. What i suppress always comes back. Fortunately meditation recharges me back again. Today a fellow player indirectly teased me for trying so hard for something so trivial. I see that he was just me and I'm judging myself. Its amazing the universe works this way.

Open said "Much better to dive right into the obvious choice that presents - that you've clearly manifested, whether distorted or not. It's only by diving fully in, that you create the reflections you need to see".
Yes i get it. And its our self judgement that prevents us from diving in. Im bringing light into it very slowly step by step.

Im glad you loved the song open. Thank you for saying that, if I'm honest it meant so much to me it coming from you.


Vimal :)

Hi Vimal,

Awesome that you've come full circle (or should I say spiral?) back to simply being the observer.

That's a very interesting thing you shared about playing football with your friends. Brought up a lot of reflections for me. I have observed in myself that there has often been a competitive drive to do well. Not to win, but to perform well - in fact I've often been teased for remarking after games that we lost how much I actually enjoyed playing. But, I digress. This competitive drive to perform, I've learned, has it's route in aligned expression - it is coming from the Ray 1 warrior.

In order to excel and be excellent in anything we have to effort, be committed and driven. However, where it gets distorted is if we get attached to an outcome such as winning or performing well. I observed when this was happening in me, that I found that I was no longer enjoying the game. If there is attachment to outcome, then the raptor energy can come in and try to dominate, or win at the expense of others.

So, for me, a life motto I've learned to embody is, 'Take life seriously, without being serious'. When I play competitive sports (mostly basketball for me), I will always put 100% effort into my performance and try to do well. But, I will keep it light hearted at the same time, laughing and joking with my team and even those on the opposing team too. For me, this allows the masculine warrior to come forth without getting attached or being pulled into the drama.

Thank you for brining this up and allowing me to reflect back with my own experience.


Hi Richard,

Its great to connect with you. I had the impression no-one would relate to what i shared. Clearly i was wrong. Yes i agree its the warrior energy being distorted felt as the neediness to perform well. The temporary happiness of achievement overrides all joy of just playing and it gets buried deep. I like what you said "Take life seriously, without being serious'. Its the conundrum of separating the wheat from the chaff of being committed but surrendered. Laughing with teammates surely keeps it light hearted even making funny body movements helps.

Vimal :)

How best to resolve a conflict between mind and feelings?

I believe i give my full commitment to the work that i do. Yet i think im being paid way less than the average. But i dont feel that im being treated unfairly. Its partly because i have chosen a minimalist life style compared to most and part of me is afraid and confused to speak up for what it means to remain jobless in my home. Part of me has concern for how they cant afford it and confused if its necessary. I have always abide by this quote "If you cant make a decision ,then dont unless you really have to" I could remain like and this and take it to the precipice when things would resolve on its own. While writing this im getting the feeling that i have been comfortably sweeping it under the rug. I know its not about which decision i make but the process itself and surrendering into it. But then is there a need to make any choice at all. Sharing here has brought some of it into the surface. I usually courageously jump into my stuff. But i had the insight today that a part of this is an illusion. Its just the mind wanting to rush stuff thus avoiding the pain.

Hi Vimal, the first thing to say is keep going! Keep exploring, keep inquiring, and above all, keep being honest with yourself. Awareness always finds a way, even if you slip into fear for a while - that's okay, as long as you're honest about it and not sweeping it under the rug.

Let's deal with some key points of Openhand Philosophy that pop out of your post...

  • The nature of outcome and not efforting: I know this is often misunderstood when I write that it's not about the outcome, but the process itself. The paradox is, there would be no inner process at all if there was nothing to commit to in the outer. You'd just become listless - comfortably numb, or in a comfortable and safe degree of temporary bliss. Things will come up on the path to go for and to commit to. It's in committing, that the inner process is activated. So go for things yes, but work not to attach to a particular outcome - work not to get owned by the outcome. But there will still be an outcome, and it'll be magical if you're aligned with the soul.
  • If you can't make a decision, don't make a decision until you really have to: Yes this is another key aspect of Openhand Philosophy. Sometimes the way forwards is not clear. In which case, the soul will 'prod' and explore but not commit immediately. I observe this natural reservedness happens because other events in the flow must fall into place before the right moment arrives. But the ego can easily own this which solidifies as vascillation or procrastination. I'll often hear spiritual people say, "it didn't feel right" and use it as an excuse - didn't feel right to whom? If we're truly honest and open to the flow, then you'll feel that moment of commitment where action becomes necessary and invited.
  • The path resolving by itself: Sometimes if you hold the space with active awareness and you're consciously engaging in all the steps that are unfolding, then a blockage in the flow (of your life) will resolve itself - yes. But again, it's important to be honest with oneself: "am I procrastinating because I get tight around saying or doing something that I'm uncomfortable with?" In which case, the step forwards is already clear and revealing itself - step in the direction which causes the tightness, then work into it.

Vimal you began with the title "Conflict between Mind and Feeling". Yep, this is a really big one on the path to resolve and find alignment with. When flowing with the soul, impulses will most likely come in from Higher Mind first (5th Density), then work their way (quickly) down into the causal body within the 4th Density field - by the Law of Attraction, the causal body weaves together the threads of reality into the 'garment' of the next moment to be worked with - you'll feel a heart-felt pull to connect with people and places. It's important to allow this impetus to guide the show. Only then does the building creative action come into lower mind.

    In an aligned process, lower mind is NOT about telling you what to do - that's already been decided by the flash of spontaneous higher knowing and the heart-felt pull. Lower mind is then about telling you how to do it.

So trust in the flow is paramount. Feel it, pick it up and go with it. Yes you will hit karmic blockages and tightness in the lower vehicles - especially the mind. Keep reminding yourself of the initial impetus, commit to that, then work with the tightness that arises - if lower mind gets busy and resistant, pay attention yes, but don't let it govern what you do. Then over time, it's grip on the creative flow will soften into a very useful tool, but not the driver of the process.


Open *OK*

Hi Open,

Thanks for the insightful reply. It was not comfortable reading your post and it did shatter some illusion i was holding on to. I see that im holding back and its due to fear of losing whats comfortable for me. I dont genuinely know what to do and i particularly like to be in this juncture. Its incredible how suddenly can things change. There is huge pain and infection in mhy chest and solar plexus. I have been denying it for too long. Iam hesitant to following the pull ,its partly because im confused whether its coming from the heart or the mind. I hate to work too much. I always think why do i have to work if i can be content and happy in my space and with what i have and still progress. I dont know where this is coming from either. Im only being untruth ful to myself because i cant genuinely see what i cant see. When awareness comes all dishonesty disappears. And im holding back only as long as i think i was progressing. Suddenly it feels like everything has been turned upside down.

When you say go for things did you mean going for whatever that i feel to do or that pops up in my mind. I always rethink or analyse if its the right thing to do or if its a genuine pull. I dont know if this is holding back. But that brings in itself a degree of freedom that i can do whatever the fuck i want. Im not choosing the easy option but only looking for that which brings fulfillment. But when i think about it there wasn't particularly anything that ic ould say i denied the pull.

I see this exploration didn't necessarily concern with what i do in this particular situation and im given to prod and explore further because the path is not really clear. That relaxes me down a little bit. But the words that repeatedly comes to mind is doubt and confusion. I feel like i should move from here for a while and get some perspective. That i have been denying myself.

Gratitude as always


It is really amazing, the precision of expression and explanation in the comment! <3

I wish I could see and apply these subtleties before :D It is such complicated trial and error process..

About the mind:

I think in my case the lower mind has a lot to do with protection and alarm, apart from other functions, such as translation and condensation of information into more primitive, but more communicable forms. I didn't know how to use this thing.

My mind was always hyper-active. It can be a great enemy and a weapon of separation and destruction. But it can also be a friend, a companion and a great support system, if it is allowed to and properly applied. So when I feel it begin swirling and the confusion sets in, I know there is some kind of bug in my system. Like computers, when the program has bugs, it doesn't work properly, it gets stuck, gives weird results and it can crash the whole system. But it is an invitation to debugging! It is great. I now understand that it is an ALARM. When the mind goes "WOOOOOO!" and it is as if the whole field begins to lift up and turn into a tornado...

Often there is something inside that is unseen that triggers this instability, but then it is up to me, do I begin to swirl with this tornado, or am I going to go like "Okay, okay, I hear you. I am on it" and then all parts of me converge into one point of focus and are "committed" to the current task. The mind then settles. It was heard. Consciousness-wise I also focus the beam, but not to one point, but in all directions, including in and out, up and down. I also dive "underwater", and start watching, listening. Underwater is silent. All noise gets dampened there. And from there it is comfy to watch what are the undercurrents of what is going on. Subconsciousness and unconscioousness is full of messages and hints. In general, it is this alert openness to everything that is going on inside and outside. The mind can relatively relax then.

From this point everything that happens or doesn't happen - is just a kind of movie I need to live through, full of all kinds of experiences, cues, messages, choices, trials, and find the answer out at some point. Because there is also this tendency to want to understand and get the answer right now, something childish. But... then it is boring and it has no value, if it is just easily landing once I want it to. This is just a shallow tail that leads nowhere and doesn't really cause real transformation and change. And also, often it is not just one thing, but a web of interconnected things, that needs time to be unravelled, seen, EXPERIENCED, in real life, and aligned, eventually. It is not something theoretical to meditate or contemplate on. But it is understandable that it tries to help in whatever way it can. I didn't know that it is up to me to let it know how it can help, rather than totally surrender to whatever it is doing. Like, who is in charge? So for me, what helped and helps still is my ability to communicate with all parts of the system. Once they are more or less open, aligned and balanced, things can flow through. It is a sort of mechanical work, to bring the "radio" to the state it can get and send signals/energy, or, in other words, get aligned and not stay lost in shshshshshsh (incomprehensible disconnected noise).

It has also a lot to do with slowing down, slowing the mind down to the point it is able to take part in processing the events in the pace they are happening and not rushing it (with questions, contemplations, rationalisations, attempts to plan, guess, make premature choices and so on). When it is TOGETHER with other parts, it is then of great help.

This was about the mind hhh

In general, about conflicts:

I found it was never a conflict of the mind with the rest. It is parts of me that are in conflict with other parts that, unresolved, drive my mind crazy, because it doesn't understand these conflicting contradicting signals and impulses from within.

The way I see it, the lower mind works on binary system: 1 or 0, true or false, yes or no, etc. So it is the first that gets alarmed when the signal is unclear, asks questions and it is the last that gets the result of all the processing and does the output. But if I load it with the rest, with things that are not binary, it just burns itself out. It can't do it. So it is a lot about knowing where to send the "problem to". We mistakenly send "tasks" to the lower mind, and we overload it with unresolvable problems. Then we suffer its suffering because it just can't do it! It is like asking a computer to cook for us, something absurd like that. But instead of stepping back and realising that we sent it to the wrong "processor", we insist and try, again and again. It is madness.

Today when I feel some kind of inner conflict and confusion, I know there are parts of me INSIDE that are in conflict, some of them are probably are totally "out of the picture" (I can't see them at all) and that probably some pain (and, possibly, external mess) is going to be involved in the revelation of the truth or dead/malfunctioning/injured parts of me or, maybe, there must happen a construction of something that was never there before, but the emptiness for that thing is already there, it is aware of itself missing and then there is also a sense of conflict. It just feels wrong, something is missing. The mind cannot solve it!

If I want to act as a whole, I need to see the conflicting impulses inside. Then there is a process of connection, between the conflicting aspects, "negotiation" between them, fusion (unification) and application. The mind can only use the already processed material, and it can do it only IN THE MOMENT of actual application, when the signal goes as an obvious 1 or 0, when the choice or the experience is happening. Not before.

About feelings - conflicting feelings/energies, if left alone to live there inside, and if there is a unifying, accepting, spacious consciousness to help them have the time and freedom to come into a balanced relationship, there is no problem. You just hang with them and make sure they can "communicate" until they find how to exist together. Usually it ends with a beautiful feeling of fusion and harmony. This is how I am experiencing it.

Hi Vimal - the great thing is you continue to be honest - that's always going to work in your favour.

A couple of things:

- always look for the truth in the distortion and set that free. So for example, you say you don't like to work too hard. So maybe there's a truth that you don't like to waste your time doing meaningless things? The point being to explore deep into what "don't like to work too hard" really means - not just a blanket statement. When you find the truth, it begins to focus forwards.

- authentic doing arises from authentic being. So work on what you feel would be more authentic in your beingness. In any moment, confront the tightness and unleash pure being - then step forwards from there.

Don't worry too much if you find yourself living very differently from society, or not apparently doing too much at all in the beginning. It takes a lot of time to switch from a life led by doing, to a life led from being. That's plenty of work in itself. Then when this resolves itself, things to do will start arising more frequently.


Open *OK*

Hi Lia and Open,

Any illusion of thinking that i have reached a particular place in the path has been painfully blown apart,Thankyou. I was really frustrated and angry before. I lost my cool so to speak scratching my head and walking wildly in my room finally deciding to head to the cliff and watch the sky. Things did cool down there.

Lia,thankyou but the only amazing thing is that i spend way too much time feeling into what im given to write. Words dont really smoothly flow for me. Its partly because of the neediness to be articulate yet i try my best. For instance just before in the cliff my mind was busy rambling on what to reply for the thread. I hope one day my ramblings will be precise and expressive. My mind is hyper active most times im in the mind but i dont mind! Im less attached to it than i was used to. I really like what you said about the bug in the system. Its kinda like that and mine needed a lot of debugging!

Now that its debugged its kinda clear what was happening. I thought i needed time to prod but when the situation arose i spoke my truth. I recognized the pull but there was great hesitation ,its not because i was afraid but there was questioning of the authenticity to speak my truth. It seemed real too and seemed almost to override the initial impetus. The impulse was coming from the heart and it was getting stuck in the lower mind (solar plexus) on the way down due to distortion. No wonder i had(still has) infection in the chest and tightness in the solar plexus. Really interesting!

Open, thanks for decoding my judgment about working hard. I knew while writing it that there's something in it but didnt commit to ponder further.
You wrote "Am I procrastinating because I get tight around saying or doing something that I'm uncomfortable with?" In which case, the step forwards is already clear and revealing itself - step in the direction which causes the tightness, then work into it.
Yes i think i was just procrastinating but the impulse didnt feel strong and it was just easy to side step it. Its also partly because i thought it wouldn't make much of a difference. Im learning and i welcome change.



I'm receiving lots of signs and synchronicity while travelling. Its joyous to observe this. At many times I was st the right place, meeting the right people and asking the right thing. The one which really moved me 2 days ago was when I received help out of nowhere just when I thought I was left back. And then I received this message on this t-shirt `I got your back always ` It was really heartwarming. This build trust greatly. I'm sure many of you here experience this daily. Really why wouldn't this happen in day to day existence ? I have observed that these usually happen when I was presented with a difficult choice and I'm invited to surrender - accepting all possible outcomes thus breaking g through a constriction. Right action follows then. The Bruce lee quote comes into mind ` Be like water `. You have to be malleable enough to flow with the soul and ordinary existence is constructed with such expectations and rigidity there's hardly any flow.

Hi Vimal,

You're absolutely right on about synchronicity...

    "The Bruce lee quote comes into mind ` Be like water `. You have to be malleable enough to flow with the soul and ordinary existence is constructed with such expectations and rigidity there's hardly any flow."

The ego is most often coming from a place where it expects reality to be configured with a given set of rules: "I have to do this", "I need to do it that way", "I have to purposefully shape reality to make something happen". A lot of this is subconscious - but nevertheless highly creative. So it shapes the lives we've come to expect and been conditioned to.

To truly taste synchronicity in 'ordinary' moments, in day-to-day life is to be open enough so as to approach every moment expecting there to be some kind of divine guidance. Then to follow this.

If we do - the more we do - the more it becomes like living in a stream of synchronicity.

Wishing you well

Open *OK*

I'm tired of writing and enquiring. I'm tired of getting somewhere when there's nowhere else to go to. I'm tired of wanting for something to happen. I'm tired of comparing myself to others. I'm tired of searching for a good time. I'm tired of figuring out the process. I'm tired of doing nothing. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of controlling what i consume. I'm tired of the need for all answers. I'm tired of all the jealousy. I'm tired of having to continue. I'm tired of not needing to sound depressive. I'm tired of all the judgements. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I'm tired of taking too much space. I'm tired of not being normal. I'm tired of the fear of mistake. I'm tired of the regret. I'm tired of being afraid of rejection. I'm tired of wanting to be worthfull. I'm tired of not wanting to hurt others. I'm tired of being sorry. I'm tired of wanting to express and be articulate. I'm tired of wanting to feel. I'm tired of wanting to prove myself. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not getting anywhere. I'm tired of being honest. I'm tired of being authentic. I'm tired of being self - conscious. I'm tired of being aware all the time. I'm tired of limiting myself. I'm tired of all the shame and guilt. I'm tired of being positive. I'm tired of expecting from others. I'm tired of not being needy of others. 

I like how you put spaces and pauses between the words. Its as if there's a period of settling into the experience. The process of healing cannot be rushed.

You wrote " You are absolutely awesomely good enough ,exactly as you are now".

Thats a nice thing to hear and im sure its true. I think its the most fundamental right of every sentient being to feel that it belongs, that it too has a place in the universe not because it has done something valuable but just because it exists. But i don't see it fully yet. I have been dealing with this pain of worthlessness for very long now. Its like im going down a dark bottomless pit and there is constant pain in my chest just lingering in the background of everything that i do. The deeper i go the lightness of the soul and expansiveness strengthens further which is just magnificent. But i come back to this again. The people and situations in my life i think is perfectly configured to activate it making me imagine judgements even when there's none. Maybe its the uniqueness of my journey to just sit and process it for very long until i see something shift in the outside as well.The source of all efforting and need for distractions can be traced back to this hollow emptiness inside. But lately i'm getting the sense that i'm getting bored with it too which i think is a good thing.I wonder how i'm resisting in going down deeper into it. In what way am i trying to fix it. While writing this i'm getting the sense that i'm making unnecessary noise about it which is not really productive. A sign also spiked in my awareness yesterday indicating it. Its just that when i see the situation i'm in i wonder how long can i sit like this. The pain gets irritable with each passing day ,with every subtle gestures and smiles. I would like to show a big middle-finger to the world and say this is who i am. Deal with it. Every time i sit in stillness and meditate i find it easy to just drop into the expansiveness even when the pain is in the background. I have read the 9 step spiritual step countless times but i can only get a gist of it which is to accept the pain ,express it and open a doorway through it. I guess its an innate natural process that just happens further down the path. For now my only way of dealing with it is just to sit with it and feel it. 

Sometimes I feel i don't have enough money for my creative expressions. I often wonder what all can i do like travelling trekking etc if i had enough money to spare. This lack of money is limiting to say the least because when i commit to something this is the first thing that comes into my mind. Will i be able to afford it? Whats the cheapest say i can do it even though it might mean extra effort. I have noticed that there's shame associated with admitting that i don't have enough. So posting here is one way for me to be vulnerable about it.  This to me has clearly sprung from the childhood as i can recall many instances where i was creatively disempowered because of the lack of it. Today i had a situation where i was invited to commit to something which might mean i would lose unecessarly or waste money. Regardless of the doubt i jumped right into it,but it was curious that none of the others in the group who owns way more than me were ready. But i have never really felt the need to intentionally manifest the same. To a degree I'm depended on my mother for it. I find it easy to spend whats not mine but have a bit of guilt associated with it. I should ass i feel the lack of money more associated with my desires like travelling and this usually comes up in waves when i commit to something. I have signed up for a trekk with a group this month. But i feel upto this point my needs and soul initiations have been sufficiently met. I would like to inquire upon this more. Feel free to share your insights or experiences.

Greetings Vimal - nice to "see" you again. Victory Hand

Firstly I'm glad you've posted this - there's no need to feel shame with regards to the sense of lack of money, and the conisderations around it. Clearly, money is a big issue in the world!

The key is though, in terms of divine manifestation, is to approach it from a different perspective to the matrix: that is to first embody the beingness that is wanting to come through. Then let the Universe shape around that new beingness.

So, if you feel as if you'd like to travel, first focus on how the idea of travelling and see what quality of beingness that invokes - maybe it's adventure or excitement. Visualise the travel, feel the adventure (or whatever it is), then work to embody that feeling. I should add, you're looking for authentic quailities of soul that are naturally wanting to arise - you're not trying to become something you're not.

As you embody the new quality, look for how you might express it in your immediate environment, regardless of your financial situation - pack you bag and go out for a day trip to a place you've not been before, or, go to a place you know, but be committed to experiencing it differently.

So you start to express from the beingness. Keep working on this. If after a while you still feel unfulfilled, then meditate on it and express what really now stirs your soul. Then hold it in your landscape and watch for the opportunities to come up.

Then you'll find authentic creativity starts to flow from authentic being and the right resources come your way.

Best wishes

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Thank you for taking time to reply. Its very nice of you to give such an offer to me and also others who are in the same situation. But if I'm honest when i first read it ,i had a cringing feeling. The back of my mind was saying 'I'm not that financially challenged'. Clearly i have not accepted it fully and hence the shame in admitting it. Instead i have chosen to hide under my mothers wings very comfortably and ignorantly. So I'm glad that i have posted this too, the first step is to look at it .Yes!

"Authentic doing comes from authentic being". Seems like every enquiry i have finally comes down to this. Yes travelling ofcourse brings in lot of excitement and adventure. I kinda envy people who have found this quality inside of themselves and managed to express this out into the world with full support. Its synchronistic while writing this i had a call from work that they would settle the balance tomorrow morning and i kinda needed it to book something! You wrote "pack you bag and go out for a day trip to a place you've not been before, or, go to a place you know, but be committed to experiencing it differently" . Yes this is what im feeling too. I have ordered a camping tent recently and planning to explore with it to the nearby places which is a bit unusual here but that wouldn't stop me from trying.



Edit : Today the work lady settled the last months balance and guess what - its the exact amount i needed to book a trekk for 10 today . I was startled , i called her and said the story to her! lol. " I may not have what i want but I will always have what i need!! " 

For some days i have been feeling really shut off from inside. I cant feel neither the joy nor the pain and what remains is a sense of discomfort or irritation. Its really hard for me to put it into words. At these times i start to question the validity of my spiritual path. The tendency is also to compare mine with others and put off by that. I'm not sure if I'm progressing at all for one thing i don't see any path in front of me. I keep going to the old habits which is my idea of rebelling against anything that's keeping me in the box. Yesterday i was out driving and i was completely lost in the mind ( not consciously aware at all) for some time. This rarely happens. To top it further there is neverlike distractions in the outside world - within family and also there is a temple 100 mts away playing very loud music due to the festival. People are mad. I keep bringing acceptance and surrender without any need of outcome. I also feel listless, a lack of purpose and the mind is trying to cling on to some identity for support. I cant find anything spiritual about me nowadays. Is this a good thing? There are also conflicting impulses within - a part of me says i don't have to do anything about it which seems more real. Its probably the ego trying to cling on to something and let it run its course. Writing here helps. To me its funny and also frustrating, life outside continues to play the old game as if nothing is changing , as if there is great satisfaction in it. I have decided to set off with my camping tent and stuff to a place I haven't been and far which would be a first time, just to see what it initiates. There is excitement and also fear with this prospect. 

Hi Vimal,

I'm glad the writing helps - it usually does!

It sounds to me like you're experiencing the Inflexion Point - being influenced in different, and sometimes, opposing ways. Do watch the Inflexion Point Shift Diary - I think it will help understand...

It feels like you're touching a layer of karma. It may well have something to do with the temple - synchronicity speaks around that. Possibly about having been led astray there in a past life - loosing your own sense of sovereignty. So my suggestion would be to work into that.

Wishing you well

Open <3

Hi Vimal,

Sounds like you're going through a tough time at the moment, and I'm sure many people here can relate - I know I've been through many phases like this.  A couple of things stand out for me in what you've said:

It sounds to me like you're coming toward a Gateway 2 initiation.  At this stage there can be a sense of anger or frustration toward society and people who are still stuck in ways you can see are damaging.  It comes in part from a fear of stepping 100% onto the spiritual path and what that means.  It can be a lonely path.  So, the mind creates defence mechanisms which you have to be careful of - in your case it's judging people who are still unconscious - "they're mad!"

You said:

For some days i have been feeling really shut off from inside. I cant feel neither the joy nor the pain and what remains is a sense of discomfort or irritation. Its really hard for me to put it into words. At these times i start to question the validity of my spiritual path. The tendency is also to compare mine with others and put off by that. I'm not sure if I'm progressing at all for one thing i don't see any path in front of me.


In my experience there can be different stages that you will go through.  There's a dying phase, where we drop our programming/ego and let go of things that no longer serve.  There's a living phase, where we embody soul and express that.  Then there's a neutral phase, where nothing major is being processed or sorted and it seems like you aren't progressing.  To me this is normal - it's a build up to the dying phase - and it certainly seems from the way you're expressing that this is what is happening to you. Especially when you say "I also feel listless, a lack of purpose and the mind is trying to cling on to some identity for support."  It may soon b time to let go.

You said:

I cant find anything spiritual about me nowadays. Is this a good thing?

What is spiritual? Is it being thing way or that? Do you have an idea of how a spiritual person is 'supposed' to be?  Spiritual is just a label - a box.   

You said:

There are also conflicting impulses within - a part of me says i don't have to do anything about it which seems more real. Its probably the ego trying to cling on to something and let it run its course. Writing here helps. To me its funny and also frustrating, life outside continues to play the old game as if nothing is changing , as if there is great satisfaction in it.

Can you see how your judgement of your inner situation is being projected onto the outside?  Yes, it can be both funny and frustrating - that you express this shows me that you are both aware of the soul (being the witness) and experiencing your distortions.  It's exactly the right place to be.  But, it will seem like you're being pulled apart and may seem very conflicting at times - especially if you're trying to analyse it with the mind!

So, I'd say don't be discouraged.  It's a real tough place to be on the path, where you are stepping more onto the spiritual path and yet noticing the conflicting pulls within yourself.  I would certainly not say that you're not progressing - it seems to me like you're simply becoming more aware of stuff that you weren't before.  It's not all going to be love and light - in fact sometimes it can feel like you're only rolling around in the mud.  Keep with it - allow the feelings, trusting that bringing your awareness to them is enough to start unravelling the distortions.  

I hope your camping trip is illuminating for you. 

Best wishes,


(Richard is an accredited Openhand Facilitator - you can read his biog here.)

Hi Open and Richard,

Open, you come up with surprising answers all the time. I had the impression i was just working with my attachments and not ready to feel or pick up whats happening in the shift. They are probably one and the same. Pulled in different direction - yes. Its also feel more like being stuck in one place and not able to see both direction - the one i left behind or the one I'm walking into. At this place neither of which interests me. Its a very interesting thing you said about the karma assosciated by being lead astray by religion. I was religious during my early days. So i know how it feels. I feel anger and sympathy towards religious people. I'm probably projecting this sense of losing my sovereignty into my spirituality. Fear of being led astray here and rebelling against that. But there is trust that i wont recieve anything here that which I'm not supposed to receive. This may also explain the judgement that my path is more aligned. I recognize everyone has their own unique journey and not for me to judge. 

Richard, I said "I can't see anything spiritual about me nowadays". Recently I feel i have gone through a phase where i peeled away a lot of the limiting spiritual identities - how to be, behave and all. It was definitely liberating. I guess this is also the reason behind feeling listless or the lack of purpose. Maybe the purpose was just an illusion made by the ego driven by the need to succeed? I also see that there is no specific place to be reached in the path and this is a continuous journey.  Your experience with the phases resonates with mine. I experience myself to be in the neutral phase which to me is difficult where there is less clarity and more doubt . Intellectually nothing makes sense in this place. Thanks for the assurance this is what I'm going through. I observe that I'm more likely to go into downward spiral when something backfires in the thing i commit to. Suddenly i find there emptiness and nothing to hold on to. Earlier there was the idea of being committed in a spiritual path which is no-thing to hold to. Now my question is more in the line of "what is real for me now?". Another thing i find hard to accept is my general living circumstances ,the amount of clutter and dirt in the house. Others doesn't seem to care as much as i does. Earlier i used to clean up frantically which related to how i was dealing with the negative energies inside. I prefer to have a minimal and quite place but it is not to so for the moment. 

I believe there was a breakthrough while sharing here earlier and i found it easy to meditate and feel the love. 

Thanks for connecting


Hi Vimal,

You wrote:

"Another thing i find hard to accept is my general living circumstances ,the amount of clutter and dirt in the house. Others doesn't seem to care as much as i does. Earlier i used to clean up frantically which related to how i was dealing with the negative energies inside. I prefer to have a minimal and quite place but it is not to so for the moment. "

I can resonate with what you write trying to align outside with your inside work. Have you tried just letting go of the need to shape outside and just accept it AS IS?  It maybe difficult at first but you can try with small things like the cleanliness and order or your immediate environment especially if it is not just you using it.  

With Love and Support,



Its supportive that you resonate with it Anatoly.  Its sometimes had to let it go especially when i feel a genuine pull which is getting distorted and i don't know which is which. Like cleaning for instance which sounds simple but i have always felt to do it without being told even from childhood. I recall being frustrated because others doesn't respect this and then being told off for it. Its the same pattern being played out now. So now i work to know how much is enough and what my responsibilities are within the family without ditching it completely. Surely there is a lot of ingrained stuff which I'm slowly letting go. Trying to align the outside with the inside work resonates greatly! 

Richard, I see how I'm judging others. Its funny , i had a conversation with my brother some days back where he was unnecessarily judging me. I felt to ask him "what do you gain by suppressing others". His immediate reply was that it makes him more worthful. I'm probably doing the same thing. I had this idea that being awake and walking the path automatically makes you more special,skilled,passionate,compassionate and so on. I see this is not necessarily the case. Having meaning and purpose is relative and there are ones who are not yet awake but found meaning and purpose to their life like artists, social workers ,travellers and so on. We equally have to work at it. There is no better. 


I have been feeling all creative and purposeful for some days now. Its a very welcome change after a period of inactivity. I have been feeling the pull to work in my backyard and also set up an organic terrace garden. The ideas keep pouring in and i have many things on the list to do. But i doubt if its instigated by the ego or if its coming from the soul. I take every step with awareness and ask if i'm meant to step in this direction which has positive result. But there's a lot of control and need for immediate answer. I think i'm starting consciously touch my spiritual compass. I mean i can put what's happening in the context of openway sometimes. Control is a big part of my reality and nowadays i can see it in every corner of my life whether its taking class or being creative or travelling. Especially now with being creative there's a taking ownership of the outcome and wanting to see it manifest and there's a doubt that if i hold back since the path is not clear then the energy will dissipate. Interestingly my brother is involved in a creative process himself setting up an aquarium and what inspires me is the level of patience he has within it which is definitely a new quality im seeing in him. So probably i'm invited to see the same in me too. Another thing is wanting to financially depend on my mother for some of the things. I guess its ok since its for everyone but i doubt if its an another level of control because i can't trust to bring it into fruition with available resources step by step. I have actually set up the same thing a year before but i was not at all patient with it then and though it was successful to a degree i lost the will to manage it and it went to ruin. So what i'm exploring now is how to be actively in the creative energy but then not get lost in the outcome. How can i keep the rhythm without it getting dissipated. Another thing associated with the same process is judgement and fear of the same when i step into a not so conventional way. I 'imagine' most of them coming from my father but i know its my self judgement.

The path is taking me into moments of constriction like feeling 'less than' within interaction and subsequently there is surrender into not needing an outcome thus finding that i don't need to be 'more than'. I guess you could call this vulnerability. But i lose this when i'm too focused on the job at hand. Like for instance i was taking class today too focused on the matter at hand and some of the children where making excess noise and violating the boundaries and i could feel the energy attack coming from all sides . Part of this was due to judgement for my inability to manage the class.

Hi Vimal - great sharing. Personally I find vulnerability and focus an interchanging dance. It's like we have to learn how to shift through the gears, backwards and forwards.

Open OK Hand Sign

Hi Open - Big thanks for the feedback. It's lovely how you can say so much by saying very little and sometimes nothing at all! I didn't actually see the connection and interplay between vulnerability and focus. To me the distortion of vulnerability would be weakness and its judged a bit too harshly by society especially when ones livelihood or survival is at stake . On the other hand control is cherished. Theres is no personal threat. When there's no space to express the distortion the emergence of soul quality becomes difficult. Hence i think it requires balls to be vulnerable. I find it easier to tap into focus and commitment than vulnerability. I know its underneath all the control and need to manifest and succeed. But i surprise myself when i find vulnerability ,the awesome okayness without needing an outcome, without needing to prove to anyone. In this space i find i can be weak and less than but be at peace. Its more peaceful and relaxed compared to focus which is more excited than at rest. I see that i have to go deeper still to shift the gear effectively and at the right moments. I think the key here is trust that i don't need to try to manifest all on my own. When i effort to bring it into fruition the outcome feels more stifled than natural. When i leto i find the process can lead to a more effortless and effective way which i could not have anticipated with the mind. This helps to pause, breathe, ask and trust more. 

Vimal <3

Its only recently that i have started picking up the feelings of intimacy. i think it started coming up when i worked on the sense of worthlessness and found self love. The feeling is blissful and breathtaking even but at the same time there is a holding on to the experience. Its safe to say that i have not consciously experienced this before. How can you differentiate between unconditional love and intimacy and how much of it is sexual? I believe i didn't yet have proper guidelines to experience and express the feeling. I feel this sense of love and caring towards the opposite sex and since my work is involved with teenagers and children i can feel it towards them too. Its a bit difficult to write and i guess the confusion comes due to my sexual distortions. For instance i was taking class today to two children and i was feeling deep love and a protective feeling towards this girl who is much younger than me. At the same time there was a fear of violating boundaries. I think it comes from karma probably because i was i was executed in a past life for some misplaced action. The culture that i grew up and the subsequent conditioning could only add further to it.There is guilt and shame in considering the pure energy as being sexual which to me doesn't exist without its negative connotation. There is a sense of wanting to express and do something with the feeling but yet i cant find a proper channel to express this without consequences to my energy or others. I wish i could be at ease with them and with the feeling without being timid or to be seen wanting. There is judgement towards wanting or to be seen that way. Its only towards some and not all. I can also see this feeling as being patriarchal. Theres my brothers baby girl at our home and i feel a heartfelt connection with her. I guess she can feel it too ,she i think is very comfortable and relaxed in my arms next to her mother. In the past i have felt this felt this feeling of deep love shoot through my body when i had intimate thoughts  and when it happens its the only thing i want to feel for the rest of existence. I recognize this is love towards the self and i can work to see it in everything around me. This would also be compassion towards other sentient life and nature. A means of expressing this for me would be feeding my cat and other animals around me , watering the plants and tending the garden.