My experiences

For the last couple of weeks i have been going through lot of emotional and mental pain with frustration anger and dissatisfaction. I was with the belief it has got something to do with my life situations and hence wanting to move on from my current place and work. Now i get that my situations only acts as a trigger to some pain seated much deeper.
Last night when i went deeper into the pain i had the experience which is think is karmic related. I have had this experience maybe even from childhood but this time it was much more intense. I did not experience any physical pain as such but it was very much like being tortured or killed. Please pardon me if im drawing any false conclusion. I had the fear of going deeper with it and couldnt think clear because of the mental fog or chaos i was in. I havent got any idea really how to deal with this pain or experience. This morning i was left with the same old uncomfortable feeling. How long would i have to go through this until i can find an opening.

Vimal

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In reply to by Open

Hey Open, you are right. It sprang to my mind too after I put the post. Because it feels like being stabbed from behind. In this situation my brother is the 'culprit'. I have been waking up last 2 days with blame on my mind for putting me through this. But now when I look at him I feel compassion for the poor soul who is obviously under a lot of pain and he is trying to solve it by looking outside. I know he is just reflecting the karmic energy for me and its not really him. Yet I see some parts of him I don't resonate. He is really materialistic in his view to the point that he can unconsciously take advantage of others. I have experienced energy vampiring from him, so that I have decided to keep a safe distance. I see that he can no longer fulfill a role that I had in my mind for him. And that maybe the betrayal I feel from him. I know I can't change anything about him but only accept the way he is. I think the pain has diminished a bit and I'm not given much to work here. Its just physical pain and when I regress back I don't have any emotional reaction. I think I already worked with the sadness that came up some days before and I hope the pain will go away on its own. My mother gently massaged some healing oil in that area. How does this physical healing relate with the healing of the spirit?

In another one I regressed back into shame that was inflicted on me in my earlier years around a particular issue. I have a particular memory and I got tightness in my sacrum. While I was meditating on this my parents were digging outside my room to plant a tree. And they hit rock bottom. They tried second time in another place and it's no different. Third time they successfully planted it. What did it tell me? I'm digging through the various inner identity layers involving my parents and I'm hitting rock bottom. But I finally manage to get it. Maybe I just have to let go and let the process take its time.

How necessary it is to confront with the other person who were involved in the formation of these identity layers. I know it would help me to go deeper into the shame if I confront it but it doesn't feel right. What if for some people, if the other person is not available at all?

I came across a Rumi quote today:

"Before you speak let your words pass through these 3 gates - is it true? Is it necessary ? Is it kind? "

Much love

Vimal 🙏

I'm getting a lot confusion between the intellect and intuitive. The lower mind has agendas of its own - things it wants to create and achieve. This creates frustration and the slightest confusion and frustration draws in entities. There is soul gold buried in the creative expression hence it feels right to pursue it. But Im learning that a balance is essential between the densities and the expansiveness otherwise the process would just feel like some kind of job. The needs of the ego has mostly to do with deriving value from the outcome and feeling of not being enough without it. The following realizations flowed in my morning meditation which I would like to share.

 

Don't be igonart to the things you can't see
The universe with its grand design spares no one.
No stones left unturned, no human untouched
We all belong to the grandest equation
The way we see the world
is the way we see ourselves
We were made to believe in perfection but
if all of this is moving towards harmony
How can ever a thing be perfect
Trust we are on the right place and the right path
and we will see it differently
How we are all good enough
just the way we we are
Let's free ourselves from this mass hysteria
and awaken to the powers within
Only one river flows through each of us
which has power to heal and rejuvenate
if only we allow and flow with it
Pause and hear the calling which
was waiting for you all this time
It has far greater plans for you
greater than our limited imaginations.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm currently on a woofing program in a farm called Chiguru farm. I started travelling because I wanted to get away from my home and the muddled energies within the family and there were many synchronicties supporting that. A few as into this I'm already seeing a lot of ego investments. I received an important synchronicity that said money karma. It spoke to me about how I feel less than because of the lack of resources when compared to and between those who have and established in a worldly sense. How I look and my body weight also adds to this shamefullness. And there by I find myself having to over compensate with wanting to belong, with my talents, and what I can do, knowledge etc. There was a group visitibg today all it engineers and their families and I literally felt out of place. I received a synchronisty in the form of a video in which a lion is fighting off a bunch of hyneas. An underlying belief is that if I dont conform to the expectation of the authority then something is at stake. I find people literally giving me opinions of what I should be doing as if I'm not enough. In a way I'm also looking for support from outside and a neediness to be shown my way and to make my life straight. Its far too easy to look at outside accomplishments and judge ones life. That's another Im becoming conscious of, a lot of comparison with others and this brings my energy levels a lot down. At those times I find it uself to stop when it's happening and find gratitude for what I already have. And I don't just compare myself but also compare my girlfriend to others as if she is not enough. I wanted and later had to play some songs in front of the group during campfire and I coudnt even hear myself with the noise of the children and I felt really stupid and the appreciations I got felt like pity claps! I was observing myself wanting to stop and wanting to break off but coudnt because of the fear of appearing rude. What do I need is the question I'm hearing right now In a very funny way. Sorry if I sound too negative but that's how I feel right now and it feels like ages I have connected with Openhand. Every time I try I coudnt get words to express myself and I fall short of my own expectations. I see its all about expectation. For the last few months I'm seeing the seeker in me really dissolving and this brings up a lot of relief and also suppressed pain to the front. Any comments or insights are welcome. 

 

HI Vimal - great to hear from you. Yes I noticed you went off the radar. It's really thrilling that you did step away from the family. My sense is that was wanting to happen for some time - not easy. Thumbs Up Sign

Would you say that because you stepped away, that's why so much is coming up right now - can you see the movement as catalysing things?

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open. Yes it's defintely because I stepped away from the family. It was brewing up for a while and was getting increasingly difficult to deny the wanting. It started with a question and I remembered how you mentioned woofing to some guy here years before. I wanted to try it then but this was the right time for it. Maybe stepping away from here has also activated something. Thankyou for picking up the positive and also noticing. I had avoided writing a lot of positives about it yesterday but there's most defintely a lot I could say. The words that keeps popping up in my mind is to move out of hiding and allow everything to be, my body, mind and emotions exactly as it is. Whatever imperfections I was hiding from is exactly what is needed in the moment. 🙂

It's really powerful that you've done this Vimal, I could hear your soul calling for some time The Sun Emoji

And yes, such a move is going to bring up loads. So certainly expect that.

The key is to now work progressively into what comes up. Lots of distortions are clearly arising - that's a good thing. Be clear not to judge yourself, but work progressively through what arises. You're well aware of how to process, so just keep applying that. Be prepared for this phase to last some time, but it will be immensely healing, integrating and expanding.

Sending bundles of love and support

Open Praying Emoji