Sharing the flow of things

A place to share the inquiries that are going on for me =).

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Whoa I have felt seriously challenged this week to rise to the occasion and speak for myself... To make a clear boundary and to confront a very difficult situation.... I had amazing support to do so and feel very empowered in coming through it yet still some uneasiness around how it is received. The overriding feeling though is one of empowerment. Just so grateful for the integrity and clarity of the Openhand energy and the way Openhand the organization and people carry themselves... Never quite realized just how special that is until now.... A million thanks for all you are!!!

Hey Open - thanks for the feedback.... Always so valuable to see aspects of a bigger picture reflected in the personal. Things feel lighter today... But I did notice that things peaked around a sense of being contained and pressurized ... Through some feeling in and allowing the fear, anger, and frustration to surface, how I am being is coming through differently .... It feels like there is much more to go, but for now there is a greater sense of freedom flowing.

Much love,

I'm feeling for you Jen - a challenging time, yes.

On a recent facilitator gathering in Glastonbury, we could feel the field shifting strongly. It's as though the very bedrock is becoming pliable. Maybe you're feeling this in relation to your personal circumstances.

Sending love

Open *give_rose*

Feeling incredibly vulnerable of late and super sensitive - not able to handle much in the way of confrontational direct energy. I am finding it very difficult to relate to people - and I find myself isolating and cocooning a bit. Relational patterns are arising in greater frequency, highlighting areas where I get stuck. Much of what is arising seems to be around people suggesting what I should do, giving me advice or my perception of the other having an agenda or seeking to prove something to me. I see I do this as well especially with my children and I recognize that much of what I am drawing is coming from the energy of looking for/needing answers from outside, lacking trust in the Divine. These situations that are triggering me feel energetically very spiky and intrusive and set off massive fight or flight inside to the point I can't breath or think clearly and I feel like I am pulled into a spinning vortex of intense sensation- It seems the only way through this is to obviously work on what is drawing the circumstances in the first place and to stay with and contain the sensations in the moment even if that means there is just total apparent social awkwardness. When I meditate on this I feel an intense but silent warrior energy inside of me... It's a very tangible energy and feels like one way of being in respond to the energy I speak of.

Dear Cathy and Fiona,

Feeling the threads of connection with you both is so incredibly heartwarming. There is so much that we all share isn't there? Vulnerability yes it's probably my self perceived great "weakness" that when embraced is great strength... in person it's not easy for me and I am sure many others as well... Hey but I know what I am working with and there are infinite opportunities to work with it =)

Just a little story to share... Months ago I picked up these patio pavers that I found on the side of the road. They stayed in my car for a while, then made it to the garage and there they have sat untouched for months. Suddenly today I felt the urge to paint and the pavers popped up as a medium. So I sit here now just painting two pavers ...HOME and FLY. Literally engaging with this heavy concrete and letting them transform into beautiful stepping stones in the garden... This is the potential of being with the heaviness... The beauty that unfolds through it.

Big love to you all,

Hi Jen,

Again you express so beautifully and vulnerably, it is now me that has the blurry screen through wet eyes.

I just wanted to say thank you, yet again what you share is a strong mirror and touches me deeply. I am with you.

With much love and gratitude,


Jen! SiStar!

I applaud your courage for expressing and speaking out when it feels safer to retreat, hide, and disappear. I know that feeling well. It's not easy when one feels so vulnerable. I can't tell you how many times I've experienced similar feelings and how many times in my life that I did disappear and fade away, feeling like I was bound with my mouth taped shut. I still don't find it easy to stand, express, be out there and visible. It's a constant process of emerging from the shadows into the light. I've learned so much from all your sharings and beautiful vulnerability. Thank you.

Keep shining,

Much Love,


Dear Trinity... yes... stay open. So much is arising just from not desensitizing in one form or another. Feeling and working with every single tightness that arises. Thank you <3 Jen

Thank you Dear Jane... There are so many tears the screen is blurry .... It feels like a voice from a distant place reached out through space and time to both feel more of the ache and to just add a little sparkle to my heart and I thank you... With love, Jen

I hear you. You have come to mind and heart recently. Before being on the site or reading this just now.
I see you. I felt the same Being behind me as you and we sat next to each other without exchange or sharing or working together in the studio in the summer but we cried the same tears. Beyond the sharing and before the sharing. That connection. That connection feels like a thread. A knowing and a happening from beyond the chatter where there is no need for Will to hold. You touch me there. Whatever you are/ I am, there was already a place where i am with you. You, we, all that is, are not alone - within this emptiness. Xxxx

An aspect inside wants to shut is strong and it has been acting within for such a long time. Just wants to cut off, "not care", toughen up and don't show anyone how you really feel. Though in this I also feel the Soul keeping it open, knowing that every place I seek for external validation is a place I am disempowered and yet, it doesn't serve me to close down either. So I share today to continue to work with this...I know that I am somewhat on my own right now...and that brings tears, but I know it's also not true and that being in the "lone space" is the place of connection to the all of it inside.

All of life is encouraging me to open, to be intimate with all of life, with all of me. To BE SEEN and to TRUST in myself...two directional flows one into the protective unseen unloved unfulfilled - the other to just soften through, though it feels more like a firey hell then a soft cushiony place...and that is just how it is isn't it? On this side of what scares us the most, on this side of patterning that is so ingrained that it feels like it would take the force of the Universe to come through it.

Everything is moving in, coming closer than I feel conmfortable with...the frogs, the fish, the squirrels, the birds and they are saying Embrace yourself, be HONEST about who you are, TRUST it is enough to navigate through whatever fire, whatever choppy seas.

It can't be just words though..I have KNOWN thing I can say is I am not distracting myself from it and I am feeling the fuillness of how heavy it is to disappear. I share here only to not play games with not shut down or disappear.

Much love to you all here and for the space that's held.

Deep gratitude,

PS .. Synchronicity showing me perhaps there is truth in disappearing... Who is disappearing? Also the sharing may be distancing me from the rawness of the feeling... Containment feels important now... Perhaps it is time to be with the energies without dissipating in conversation. <3

Bubbles....pop! Eventually... Denial only brings it to a more destructive shift. I am in this... There is a massive bubble in my solar plexus... Synchronistically today I went to a little cafe called Sweet Peas and there was mommy and me yoga going on and bubbles floating in the air for the little ones to enjoy... Ironic realizing now that I was there with my own mother and remembering the waitress telling me how she loves to use Zorbs which are big clear bubbles you can climb inside of and roll around.

Feeling into this bubble .. It presses out into my ribs and fills the entire middle of my body....I feel an ache in my sacrum and heart, tightness in my jaw and throat. I realized this bubble is everything I am holding on to.. Protecting it from popping. I see a girl inside holding this bubble and giving it energy, just little bits... Enough to keep it going. There is a ton of stuff in there and the pressure is growing. What a keeps handing me the pin and somehow I keep swallowing it and avoiding the pop, but it's popping anyway in my physical health, in my emotional state, in my mental clarity. That's how it seems anyway. Tuning in.... Vulnerability arises and an invitation to be completely honest... Seeing how selfish this feeding of little bits is...

What am I truly resisting?
Rawness of feeling abandoned, alone, left behind, not included

When I contemplate the step toward what I am resisting I feel the truth in it... I look up and 3:33 is on the clock.

All life seems to be inviting now is complete honesty ... What a challenge it is.

Thank you for allowing the space to share here... It just feels good to express this right now. Love, jen

Hi All,

There has been a reticence to write as it feels like it will disperse the energy I am feeling so writing without getting lost in how it sounds etc...just what is coming up...I am realizing how often I turn off and go into a sleepy place of disengagement. I have also realized that I often get identified with feeling...whether that is a blissy warm bath of inner love or a tight contracted smallness. I see now where I have been and am seeing how I am not that, but can allow it all to flow through, feel it but not be lost in it. Seems obvious,,,but there is a subtle shift inside. Oh my god, the waves of just warmth are indescribable...I feel I am on an adventure - tonight a date with myself - I feel magic in the air.

Abandonment is a word I am exploring...when I breathe into my heart I feel the deepest ache ...I see the fear of that experience in every moment that I engage with others...I see the abandonment of Self that happens instead...the anxiety I have been feeling is coming to be seen as suppression...becuase of this fear. I realize it's in the moment that I can confront this - it's the most challenging place for me...I may as well be walking on physical nails. And yet, I feel this strength in me...a part of me that's always been there and expressed comfortably when I was a child but now is held back. So, onward in this to you all here. <3

Set out on a journey to Ireland today... Landed in a hotel in North Carolina for the night =)... Not what was expected for sure! What an adventure it has been to just embrace it all... Floating in the sky in a holding pattern (yes recognize that pattern) and yet why is that happening... In the midst of it, all I could feel was total okness with the holding pattern and a recognition of its purpose... the opportunity to experience... So many rich connections today... Hundreds of people not able to go where they thought today... All waiting in line to find their connection or their bags and I found myself not waiting for anything, just connecting where I was... So many meaningful moments shared! So much joy!

What struck me most was witnessing the shared beauty of acceptance within everyone I engaged with... We were all just here in this place together and connecting beyond the seeming problem of being stuck somewhere we didn't plan on. There was just this shared experience and an opportunity to be here. Somehow there is just pure joy ...and how funny I am on my way to meet Kim and I meet another Kim with whom I have the most beautiful shared moments with... The Universe just blows my mind! After we skirted the storms, a brilliant rainbow appeared out the plane window and just felt like pure magic.

This song played today and I wanted to share as it just vibed so beautifully with what I am feeling and how it was floating up high!

Maybe tomorrow... Ireland =)

Hey Zac and Open,

Ahhh yes! It is so amazing to have the truth reflected back ... To not be supported in distortion.. Thank you!!! And yes this absolutely fits under "no matter what" as well! =)

Of course yes, who here wants to escape and get out of the circumstances? But, the truth in it is letting go of where this mother identity is acting... It's challenging when the family has become accustomed to it all. I see in this expression a yearning to strip away what is not real in this as it no longer feels tolerable within to be managing, directing, controlling.

Dreamt last night that I was riding an elevator at mock speed ... It was completely clear ... I arrived at an airport where I discovered I had no passport and no ID and thought I won't be able to travel and yet I witnessed others being able to travel without their ID....perfect support of what we are saying here.... Traveling without ID!

Much love,

Yes indeed! We have to let go of such definitions - such judgments - as 'father', 'mother'. They're just suits of armor, constraining who we are.

But letting go of the definition doesn't mean we loose the truthful committed compassion at the heart of it. The truthful way of being is what remains.

Yes others will struggle at first. But we don't have to struggle!

Open :-)

Dont forget Jen being a mum fits under the banner of 'no matter what' too.
I certainly cant relate but I can relate to having to do things which dont fit under the banner of me, I just do what the universe requires of me regardless of peoples opinions including my own.
You supported me 'no matter what'which is more than I can say for others! You saw through the exterior and now so do I with you.
Smash this mother role out, you got this but never define yourself to it. Im cheering you on from the sideline friend.
No matter what ; )

Hi Jen

You can find a flow with the kids that's sacred and connected but it would be about honouring what feels right in each moment - not sticking to schedules, ticking all the boxes to perfect motherhood. Are you able to bring the kids with you on this journey - can you free-wheel with them, do you wake up with nothing in the agenda? I only ask because the only way I can be with my children is to take each day as it comes and the more we journey together the flow deepens around and within our connections - this way i don't feel like a mum anymore just part of this movement together.

Hi Jen,

Yes I know that all too well. A shift that occurred within was the perception of defining the role I played. I have come to see my role as a mentor and guide within this realm towards my sons thus emotionally and mentally allowing more of where I am at different points in time to evolve into a more aligned sense of beingness that feels right.

Now, I feel very grounded within the creation of the "home" that's created like a nest where the nurturing is easy. Boundaries come to mind. I had to let go of the imposed ideas that I became conditioned to operate within that felt unnatural when I had all the ideas associated of what a mother should be. Yes, I play the role of a mother but do I define the role and allow my rays of beingness to shine through or does the role define my experience? It's just a different stage to dance upon. I am ok if my sons feel the realities of this world, it's why they are here as well. Protection comes to mind.

I recently expressed how the Openhand retreats have embraced the cosmic being, as we all speak the same language. Going back to the time we were on the pier experiencing soul motion, aware of the ocean and the rising sun, all the life flowing. It was so amazing to let go of words so briefly as we all were being. Each of us accountable for our own energy and the expression through the body as we moved simultaneously yet independently. Then back into the confines of three D reality.... I understand there is no fault, it is a moving caging reality that us birds zoom out from yet our human vessels are grounded within. It's real to experience that challenge.

I had a realization last night as I have been contemplating much, how difficult it is to return once we are set free.... Then the thought, I chose to come here(earth). I may choose not to come back but I may choose to come back to experience the challenge within the density, to have experiences through the human senses... is amazing while simultaneously tragic but truly those are just words that each has a free will to experience as each reference points are different.

Much love to you Jen

In reply to by erica r

Hi Erica and Katie,

So good to connect with you here and thank you each for your wise words.

I continue to grow in acceptance of each of my children's paths...constantly letting go of the need to be the role of mother versus a guardian at this stage...and yet I know that there are still levels of control that arise.

What I feel frustration around is that part of me doesn't feel right at all in this capacity of "mother". There are areas that I have yet to get it quite right in how to not control, but still set boundaries. It's a work in you mentioned, about the experience of soul motion we shared, where we three were in our experience, shared, yet individual.

Yes, part of me, just wants to zoom way out and not even engage in all of the drama at all...but similar to what you said Erica, I am here in this to engage and certainly to claim some aspects of me buried in this dynamic.

Katie - yes, you are right, this is what feels true and right. I look back at the program I loaded them up with when they were little...plan, plan, plan, playdates, schedules, lots of friends, always something to do, do, do... strange looking back on that time and what made me be that way. These days it is quite different - much more space in the day, less plan, more open to what comes up. This was hard for me at first as I felt I was suppose to be the "activities director" and the "creator of novel childhood experiences" hahaha. The trouble I find is that I feel stuck here...I am use to being able to head off to walk or go to the beach, but noone wants to go anywhere - they just want to play here in the house all day...and it's loud and chaotic and making me a bit nuts =)! Sounds like I have some stuff to work on!!
In particular, the need to get out, to escape the noise but also to escape the seeming mundane and to fill time. Feeling like this is inviting me to see and work with my distractions.

I have not free wheeled with know what though, I am going to see how I might approach this...something to explore!

There is also an element of compromise that we all have to practice as it's rare that four people all feel the same and want to engage the same way at that moment.

I will work on these things ladies - thank you for your lovely replies. I am so grateful and so happy to hear that you have been able to be in this in a way that feels's very reassuring.

With love,

Ever feel like you want to run from it all.... Just fly off like a bird and never come back? I feel like that right now... Tired of engaging and feeling how to be in it....part of me is experiencing frustration around being a mother and what that means...i can't get away from it...and I realize I drew it to me to grow and learn but so much of it doesn't feel like me.

So, how to continue to engage with the kids and release myself from the limitations I feel around being a mother ... Surely I can fly while engaging here.... But I do feel that strong urge to get out as its all very dense and tight.... And yet that's just my reflection.

Thanks Jen!
I hit some major highs and lows relative to some but that's how I roll, its the maddest ride eva!!!
It may seem extreme to some but put it this way, it aint boring.
As long I dont get stuck or attached to the role its fresh and I was taught that long ago. The same rule always applies, all I have to do is stay present (keep out of it otherwords) and the flow of consciousness my existance is will handle the rest.
Its when people get identified to their role and try to force an outcome I see them get in trouble.
The outcome of this world is of no consequence. Eternity is ETERNITY.
I see it as a cosmic game of hide and seek and some you win some you lose. But I say again, eternity is eternity!
And to quote a line from one of my favourite movies:
"In the world of kung-fu, speed determines the winner"

hey Zac! You know I really love your energy ...the authenticity, whether its in the pits of density or tap dancing through with what feels like zaps of spontaneous multicolored's really an experience I enjoy thank you for being you!!

yeah! I appreciate the reflection...and the gusto behind it!

Is this me...feels like a naturally arising urge to bring all expression in line with what feels authentically "me"....noone can really stand in the way of that unless I let them....which I do in some areas...this energy builds though and the more "i" hold the river back, the stronger it wants to come through. There doesn't feel like there is really any stopping it.

Jen x

You express that so well Jen.
When I ask that question "who am I?" The next question is always "well whos asking" which then makes me laugh.
I say its a fundamental question to ask, no one knows the answer.
Be wary of anyone who says they do.
It a question for you and you only to explore.
Im taking alot from what you said! "The courage to be yourself no matter what!" Major goosebumps happening!
Go for it and dont let anyone stand between you and your freedom to express who you truelly are.
Thats true commitment right there

I have so enjoyed witnessing the sharing on this thread…the song you posted Zac spoke to me deeply at a point that I really needed to hear it…Freedom! yes, that is the journey to me…free from all the chains that I so intricately wound around myself, and steadily, sometimes explosively, sometimes ever so gently I shake them off, I am that which can’t be chained. Thank you all for sharing your many ways of connecting to, remembering who you are…the beautiful majestic trees…breathing each other in and out…the tiniest insects…feeling out with their teeny antennae…the soaring eagle, leaving his gifts in the form of a feather…the connection to all those who have journeyed here. You are all such magical, beautiful souls.

If I may share a bit of what is happening for me at the moment….it wants to be shared here =)
A major question is wanting to arise every moment within me and not be denied, walked around, compromised…"Is this me?"

Reflecting on the current way of relating with the other…I was recently asked what the positive feedback loops are within that. At first I would say not much at this point…but upon further witnessing and reflecting I see that I enhanced and refined Ray 2 and 4 by the way he reflected these to me…a mixture of truth and distortion in those. I have learned what it is to fully embrace the other as they are being now from being in his presence, how to feel out and find ways of being that can dance together somewhat.

BUT a powerful yearning is screaming out to the reflection to show me what it is to not accommodate, to not compromise, to be who YOU really are no matter what. Inside I yearn to be challenged, for the line…for the boundary, for the courage to take a chance, to stand in your own truth and not budge to hold onto perceived need. This is what I am invited to be. I see the deep sense of loyalty and commitment in the other, but it’s not toward Self…it’s outwardly focused…huge reflection for me.

So that particular mirror is not reflecting what my soul is yearning to express now, it’s reflecting what I am not feeling to be right now.

So this is the question I have emblazoned within…Is this me? and the only answer is feeling for my own core vibration in it all…no more compromise of who I am…and that is moment to moment…pulling it all in. Let’s see what unfolds from there.

The difficulty we can have communicating at times is the english language.
To 'know' something may mean a different things to different people. The 'know' I was referring to is the mind trying to make sense of things, which i say it never can. You can never know the absolute truth of anything, just a human perspective unique to you. Which I also say is an extremely limited view of reality.
Whereas here at openhand they use the word 'know' in relation to the flow of the soul, when you absolutley know something to the core of your being.
Its the same word but two totally different experiences.
A better way would be matrix style where we could tap into someones consciousness and share their actual experience of what their communicating, but technology in this world is extremely primitive, relative to other inteliigent entities Ive met from other worlds. But as kd said here we are.
I always ask 'show me' I get a pull and just go with it, whilst the egos saying what are doing? We cant do this? This is crazy?
Then another voice comes in saying 'hang on little one we're going for a ride'
The more I follow the pull, eventually the resistance gives in.
This probly makes no sense but who cares hey.
The main thing is what I feel now and I got no more words.
cu bro ; )

Hi Zac, to get to where you are in life you do know somethings. I think, knowing you don't know everything is what matters. We are all one with the universe and so I think we all have the answers we need within ourselves, if we look for them at the time we need them. Ask yourself (Show me). For the most part it works for me. There is not always and answer and this is when I have to pay close attention to the ego, so that it does not lead me astray.
Zac you mentioned your brother and how visiting him helped you, sounds like a good idea to visit him. Today I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my brother who pasted away a year ago and that my friend made me think of what you wrote here about yours. So you see it is like you said, life is funny that way.

much love bro

You know Horse the first time I read one of your posts I felt a connection with you. Its strange cause I don't know you or have never met you but life is strange like that, some things my mind will never make sense of and Im okay with that, it actually adds to the mystery and wonder.
I totally understand what you mean by the more I learn the less I know, Ive come to the conclusion I know nothing, which in a way is a great relief.
I often visit graveyards too, I like looking into the past and connecting with people who have been here before me. There's a special one where a family lost 4 children in the space of 2 years each dying on seperate dates, the parents wrote the most beautiful message on their headstones (about god taking their buds to grow in his garden) the positive attitude these people had about such a tragedy really inspires me, so I took some flowers there not long ago and told them thank you for sharing their story with me.
My brother is buried in a graveyard very similar to the one you describe, its on a headland and overlooks the sea, I've gone there in times of turmoil and a feeling of peace washes through me, taking all the pain away (maybe I should go see him again).
I was driving today and thought of you (strange hey) and you know what I felt, I felt there's someone similar to me out there, feeling the same things as I do. I've met many people, great ones like the ones on this site, but I've never felt anyone really got me, until now that is.
It really helps to know your out there somewhere my friend.
Thanks heaps for connecting with me, I love you hey : )

I feel your turmoil of life Zac. I have lived it for many years now. The more I journey down this path, the more I learn, the less I know. Not sure if it makes since. Openhand has opened my eyes to a light and a love that most people in this world truly do not see or feel yet. It is spreading as you can see and feel it. You are one of these farmers of Openhand who plants these wonderful seeds, like the {wemale seed} awesome. I know for me even after all these years of pain and hurt there are times that I want the pain just to stop, not just for me but for all living things. Moments of wanting to be with the loved ones that have already moved on from this life. I think to myself that I can watch from the other side and help from there and for the most times a feeling of profound sadness and happiness all at once, hits me. The closer I get to these feeling the more I see them, the more I understand them, the more I except them. I know that when I go within myself like this I have to be aware of the ego for this can feed the pain and hurt and cloud over any light that may be present. There is a place that is full of death that I visit a lot. It is a graveyard on the ocean shore here in Cape Breton. This beautiful place brings moment of bliss into my life when I question my beingness. There is a huge tree in the centre of this peaceful yard with an eagle's nest in it, just amazing. My profile picture is of one of the eagles leaving that nest. I was there 2 days ago, a lot going on in this head and needed some peace. Time has no meaning to me there. The 2 eagles except me as one of there own, it is like oneness. I had hugged one old tree there and thanked it for the time it spend here and at the same time I looked down and there was a tail feather from my friends the eagles, just an another blissful moment. You see I was wanting my eagle family experiences shared with a close friend and this feather is from the love of the eagle and myself. I will present this gift to my friend.

Zac when I come to this site for the most part I am searching for ways to ground myself, I see the bigger picture, and know that it is alright not to know. When I have dark moments, you and openhand are the rays of light that help guide me.Some times it is quite hard to see any light, I will close my eyes find one happy though and embrace it. This flicker of light will grow once more and help you see. So my wemale friend keep shining, and remember the sun shines even on rainy days. For the most part I have found my Home and it does not have walls or a roof it is call my body.

Much Love

Thanks Spiritpaws!
I needed to be reminded there are beautiful awakened souls on this planet and their not just in human form.
I interact with the other so much I'd forgotten that.
You've returned the spark in me!

Let me share with you guys the place I miss so much.
My true home where my soul family awaits me.
After our work in this place is done make sure you all come join the eternal party on our Isla Bonita.
Love to you guys

Zac Sparkles, I really feel your words.

Last weekend I was walking through the forest at the farm and stopped to speak to a very old grandmother pine. Her roots are like pythons: cool, strong, quiet that rise above the fallen pine needles. She is so tall I have to lean back to see her crown. I laid my offering down and asked permission to breathe into her. She said, "Little One, we are in this together."

It was a much needed reminder to me that as singular as our soul journeys are, we have allies. The trees, the animals, the plants, the insects, the winged ones work patiently to unwind the chains of this density, to reveal to us the pieces of our blindness.

Brother, your allies await you.

love, tigger

Thanks for that too Erica. (I just read your post)
I really like that.
Regardless of what's happening around me I can still do my thing.
I can still build my nest within myself! Aha
Nothing can touch that.
Thanks for acting on the feeling to share that with me, that helps alot!

Please increase your peskyness great friend. Thank god for you, literally. Its comforting to know your here too.
What a journey indeed, so tired it makes me, which helps in a way cause I cant be bothered running from what must be done.
You know this world can chuck everything it has at me, come at me in every which way possible but Im still here, WE are still here.
Im not afraid.
And because of you guys I can stand proud and say "Im not alone!"

There's another silver lining too of course, accelerating out of this quagmire I find myself in shall be quite the ride.


I'm with you. I find solace within this existence when I am "found" by another soul breaking through. Silently tearing a gentle hole to shine light so that it's reflected back deeply.

I've currently found peace within the smallest insect using it's instincts or antennas to feel it's way through.

Just today I was kayaking on a lake with the warm sunshine and blue skies. I felt so peaceful then a dark cloud with torrential heavy rain started to pour. Of course it was when I had reached the furthest point from my launch spot. I had kayaked for a few hours. When it was clear and the water calm, I watched ducks and loons. Two by two they were building a nest on open water. Just moving about. Then on the return, I was soaking wet and the temperature had dropped to 48degrees or 8.9 Celsius. I kept moving as I felt my muscles cooling. A slight panic was coming in as I hadn't told "anyone" where I would be, I hadn't brought a phone or even a sip of water. I was wearing light clothes...I actually started to laugh and that pesky voice went quiet. At one point I unwrapped cold fingers from the paddle and my hands were stiff and ached. Then my gaze fell upon the loons who were still within the storm moving the same as if the external environment had no impact upon their purpose. They dove and swam gracefully and naturally within the storm as they did within the stillness. It was an amazing sight to behold! So profound to witness these creatures moving as if untouched by the physical world.

Just felt to share this with you
Much love,

Zac, me again, pesky huh ;)

I can't find words cause I feel the pain as you do, I just stand beside you brother.

'I know all too well it don't come easy' sometimes Zac I think if people hand an inkling of the journey that's been - whoaaagh. But here we are.

Your right of course.
The psychadelics did serve a purpose for me. I needed to know what I was doing was real and not a dream created by my mind, but the price was high.
Maybe too high.
It did create polarities in me and like you said Ive been bouncing between them.
I want to apologise to myself.
Im sorry.
I must get back to where this all started. To where your pointing, back to the moment. It used to be about feeling for me. Feeling within the body throughout every moment. That was my anchor.
It seems so long ago.
I'm not sure if I can make it back but I must at least try.
Thanks for being there for me again open, and creating a safe place in the storm.

Hey Zac - everyone's with you brother. *give_rose*

You are strong enough - because - you can feel the pain. Yes, I know what being here is like, all too well. You describe very accurately what many evolving people - many starsouls - feel.

Evolution in this place is often a delicate balance - between feeling the pain so you can integrate lost aspects of soul gold, therefore being human, but as the pain gets too much, letting yourself expand out and through it into your cosmic self.

What are those things that make you feel expanded?

And by that, I don't mean hallucinogens! What these do is create too strong a polarity - identities around the higher state, and ones around the lower. Consciousness bounces around between the states. It becomes hard to find your true centre - your real anchor in the storm.

Let pure presence become the anchor. Breakthrough all identities and let none own you - especially not the 'good' and 'up' ones. Just pure presence. Pure isness.

So what are the things you can do on a day-by-day basis that feel 'right' in your life? Simple things, like nature, meditation, bodywork, music, healthy food good companionship. Keep finding this rightness of the soul and the soul will increasingly deliver you onto the shores of presence.

Do this as much as you can. Increasingly you'll find it easier and easier to cope with it all.

I'm with you, benevolence is with you, these are humungous changes going on, and for someone who can feel all that turmoil in the field, it's deeply challenging. So look for the timeless Fifth Density aswell.

And finally reach out to those you can really trust in - reach out here as you have done.

You have a welcome home here

Open *OK*

I didnt know where to post this.
I suppose the flow sometimes hits some dark spots so maybe this is appropriate.
I dont know where to turn so I turn to openhand.
Sometimes I feel like a snowflake in a firestorm.
I cant take this world so I turn to substances, its too painful, and im too weak.
I cant help but wish to be out of this existence. How many souls sacrificed their lives so I could sit here writting this.
How can I talk of love, I an ocean of pain. Drowning amongst the waves of despair.
Its all so wrong and I cant help but feel the sooner the human experience is over the better for all concerned.
Its seems the gnostics may be right, the universe is the demiurge and we are his pawns. His greatest trick convincing us he was god.
Maybe the majority of humanity are unconsciouss clones happy to walk off the cliff.
Awakened souls are few and far between. Ive wittnessed beautiful souls burning in the fires of this world. They're gone! Lost! For what! For who! Why must we suffer in this way! No amount of tears can cover the pain.
Sparkles has lost his spark in this world.
I will stay as long as I must but it doesnt change the fact I wish I was home.
I hate being in this world and what it does to me.
I want to go home.

Love to you openhanders!
I pray you are stronger than me.

Ok so, coming back to the energy .... I am able to relax around the circumstances and allow the space that is avaulable to me now to nurture a deeper internal exploration... It is all about the energy and I am seeing that so strongly....feeling, exploring, expressing it without need for it to be with anyone else in the material... Though I do feel these kind of qualities of being around me... I can see this forming a bridge of completeness inside and allowing the external pieces to shift in alignment with that. I see the way I have been holding out for something to change here to make the external circumstances stay intact.... A bit of attempted internal negotiations as the gap here grows and has scared me a bit. Feeling on track and able to let go of the mental/ emotional gymnastics.

Thank you <3 Jen

Thanks Open ... I am being with it and exploring what's going on and may email you to work with it. Love, Jen

Yes I understand.

But maybe you slightly misunderstand me.

I'm not saying that energy shouldn't be expressed - including sexual. There's a way of dancing in it, like a miraculous dream, but without a physical partner. Why limit yourself by something you can't control? However, the alchemy inside you can still be fully expressed. And because it maybe wants to happen sexually, doesn't necessarily mean it's distorted.

Something to explore.


Dear M... Heartfull of gratitude for you and the poem that you shared .... <3 much love, Jen

Jen, I feel to offer some 'advice', but as always, I do it with the proviso of saying that only your soul knows the truth, and so to test what I offer in relation to what you witness and see...

I'd say there's an invitation to fully explore the relationship with your Twin Flame - to dive fully into the divine dance, as a living breathing expression - witnessing the reflections in all that you see, but..... then taking those reflections back inside yourself without the need for full physical manifestation of your Twin Flame.

Speaking from experience, it is the most profoundly beautiful relationship that you carry with you and is expressed everywhere, through all things - yet is not material.

From that, somewhere down the future, maybe a manifestation of that will materialise. As happened for me.

I offer a reflection.


In reply to by Open

Thank you Open and yes this is something I have been open to and exploring.

This exchange here on the forum has activated a familiar feeling ...this "ache" inside that pulses and flows up in waves through to my heart and throat. I observe that when this is felt a couple things happen. The energy starts to feel very sensual and probably gets distorted into sexual energy as it feels like it wants to express in the physical. I feel very tactile and physically expressive at these times and it's incredibly intense to contain it. If it doesn't get diverted into that kind of expression, then it draws in others around me...who seem to get pulled in by what I am feeling inside. It's really hard then not to play that out, but this is also sending mixed signals I feel in the current situation.

You said "then taking those reflections back inside yourself without the need for full physical manifestation of your Twin Flame."

I see this is part of the resistance... Some part of me - is having a hard time accepting the idea of not being able to connect physically with another... And I can see the distortion in that and also feel some fear of not being in the safety of the situation I am now in, knowing what I may draw to myself with the energy that is coming up in me.

Ohhh lots to feel... So this energy feels strong right now and I am just containing and watching it... seeing if there is an aligned way for me to express this.

Much love and gratitude,

Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it 
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal
is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists
to live a life not half a life

Khalil Gibran

Hi Open- Yes when I look in the mirror it is all very clear what the message is and the knowing inside is very clear as well. The emotional attachment clouds it and makes it hard to see clearly- holding me in a repeating circle. There has been an expectation that the mental/emotional would align with the knowing but, no, they seem to stay nicely affixed to maintaining "what I always wanted" or playing back the fear that I am making it all up, that I am distant and cold, that I haven't given fully enough of myself... And this pulls me back in to engage in another round of "working things out". It seems the mind and emotions will just continue to play these tapes on and on...and of course I know that but being in it is quite different =). It's just trusting the feeling and allowing it all to arise without letting it be the guide. There is the vibe of who I am beyond all of this story and it clearly fuels a new vision of me.

I am actually growing quite tired of this story...I am tired of in between.... I must be all in- one way or the other.

Thank you Open... Big sigh ... <3

With love,

PS - synchronistically the thought for the day today is...

    "The love we withhold is a measure of the pain we carry."