Sharing the flow of things

A place to share the inquiries that are going on for me =).


In reply to by .Jen

Dear Jen,

Thank you for your heartfelt sharing. The openness and uninhibited vulnerability that flows freely in your expression just warms my heart. I have always felt this ought to be the natural way for humans to communicate, but for some reason we're taught that this is not ok, and so we're forced to take a hundred detours before allowing ourselves to land in each other's hearts. People sometimes commend me on my courage to openly express my innermost feelings, but the truth is I never found it particularly difficult or scary. I can't really see what there is to be afraid of. Yet, I've still had to continuously adapt my way of communicating, as there seems to be something frightening about it that makes many people close off or run.

I had been thinking about how to respond to you. There is so much in your sharing, themes I recognise from my own life, that I could discuss with you in depth. I had formed an idea of what to focus on, but after I read the new part of your sharing something completely different emerged. So I'll put the other thoughts I had on hold for now, and perhaps return to them later.

You said,  

One big thing I have noticed through his times of physical/emotional pain is that he reflects to me the parts of me that want to collapse, give up, seek external relief. The pain is one of powerlessness and having noone there to be with me in the pain - utter aloneness and a sense that I can’t do this by myself - overwhelm.

I know this feeling all too well. I have been there so many times, for shorter as well as longer periods of time. Sometimes for several months. Feeling the complete collapse of my inner world. Metaphorically and sometimes literally lying like a heap on the floor in foetal position, feeling utterly alone and abandoned. These were the dark nights of my soul. The first time it happened, I cried non stop, every day, for 4 months. I called it my personal Noachian deluge. I couldn't comprehend how much sadness and grief a human soul could carry. I still go through this, but today, each and every time is a secret passage into a new aspect of benevolent homecoming. It serves as a landmark for me to recognise when I'm closing in on a potential breakthrough. And when the gutting pain finally presents itself, there is a subtle tingle of excitement in the depths of my soul, as it knows it will soon bring a lost part of it home.

As I read your new version, I suddenly remembered the lyrics to an old song I wrote about 15 years ago. It was a song I wrote to myself when I was in one of these devestatingly dark and lonely places. You see, I used to do that to help me get through. When no one else was there that could or would comfort me, I'd be my own voice singing me to sleep, saying the words I needed to hear, and stroking my imaginary head. I used to have a picture of myself hanging on the wall. I looked particularly angelic in this photo, with kind eyes and a warm and compassionate smile. I called 'her' Anastasia (my middle name), I used to imagine she was my angel watching over me. Like a higher version of myself. If only I had known what I know today...

I never shared these words with anyone, partly because I didn't think anyone would understand, and partly because they were just meant for me. But as you will discover, there is also a secret longing woven into them. A longing to share them with someone one day. I think that day has come. A white feather on the staircase confirmed it for me, as I climbed upstairs to write to you. I don't know if it will mean something to you, but it means something to me to have found another open heart to 'sing' them to. So here is me sharing my Angel with you...


The Angel

You feel a cry from a place so deep

It keeps you awake when you’re trying to sleep

You want to be heard and you want to be seen

But end up somewhere in between.


As I lay awake in my darkest of nights

She came to me, the most precious of sights

She whispered softly into my ear

The words I now want you to hear...


She said I needn’t look far to see

That I was beautiful just as She

The one I had always desired to be

Was standing before me, as Me


She stayed with me until morning broke through

Until I no longer needed to ask, who is who

And all this time that I thought I was wrong

I find I was right all along


She left me a memory clean and bright

A blueprint of love in its purest delight

And now that I know that my heart is true

I’m passing her over to you


I'm passing her over to you...


With all my heart,






In reply to by Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

I don't have too many words at the moment - I just want you to know how much your reflection has meant to me... white feathers flutter around me often... Last year the flow brought me to a gift for myself... A white ceramic feather with a silver tip that hangs in a special place... A reminder.  From my heart to yours... Thank you for sharing this song... Years ago in a moment of shattering despair, a "voice" broke through though it was more of an everywhere, embracing feeing of "You are always seen and loved" ... When these contractions arise... I know there will be an emergence through it and the embrace is always there... Even when I can't feel it....moments like these remind me. Thank you! with love, Jen 

Bringing up kids is indeed such a huge learning journey. They have a way of pushing all the inner unseen buttons. And our love for them creates plenty! Of course one of the big challenges in that is that we're no longer tribal (in terms of the way Original Humans were), so there's meant to be a much stronger empathic support mechanism - perhaps this alludes to the karma of being alone in it?

What I found, as the kids around me have grown, was the need to keep softening any kind of expectation, and also letting go of the boundaries I felt I had to create, so as to allow increasing sovereignty. It often felt like walking a tightrope at times.

No doubt the experience teaches us loads and, no matter the challenge, can be utterly priceless on the path.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

I would love to hear those powerful words put to music!  Thank you so much for sharing that incredibly touching and thoughtful song Anastasia!

Jen, thank you for your thought provoking sharing regarding children.  My daughter is a "mini me" of sorts and is, thankfully, so much more grounded than I ever dreamt of being at her age (She just turned six last month).  Her level of compassion and joy equal mine (which has taken many years to cultivate and actually allowed to come to fruition).  We, as parents, are the lucky, sometimes challenged, beings who get to raise the little ones who come to us so far ahead of "things" that, at times, took traumatic events, hard work, healing and seeking to gain insight towards and to embody.  We are blessed in that our hard work and vulnerability allowed us to come the beings that we are (full of light) so that we can model behaviors that we would not mind our children emulating.  We get to know, however, that they are their own spirits and they will take what they see and feel to unheard of levels, beyond anything that is known to us at this time.  I read a poem that shared this journey so eloquently:

"You may give them [children] your love, but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.  You may house their body, but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit...even in your dreams.  You may strive to be like them, but not to make them like you, for life goes not backwards nor carries with yesterday."  Kahlil Gibran

I love that we can supply them with all that we have and get to watch the future unfold...every single day there is something new, which is even more visible when you truly pay attention to them.  Thomas Moore wrote a book called "The Re-enchantment of Everyday Life", which inspired me to never quell the magick, to not only allow the children to keep the mystery and remain enchanted, but to join them and revel in the delights of it all.  It truly brings the love to new heights and deepens the connection...we used to do a faux "argument" of "I love you more" no, "I love you more", but we have traded that for "We love each other the same, because it is the most."  I believe that we can witness our children's magick and love them so incredibly much that, in their being a part of us, it grows our compassion for ourselves.  Be gentle with yourself and know that your walking through the pain and the "old patterns" with grace and desire to face them fully and understand, ultimately moving past them, will help all those around you (including your children) to witness the beauty of it all.  The beauty of your light coming forth and your imparting that the unfolding journey is essential and liberating is all that they will see as they hold compassionate space for you to work through it all.  I respect it so much when parents are willing to dig deep.  Thank all of you!!!!!




"This light of mine isn't so little"



Hi Aphroheidi. Hi Jen. Hi Open.

It's synchronistic for me to have all three of you on this thread, as each of you has played a big part in my process lately. All of you radiate and express a confident openness that moves me and inspires me. And you all do it in different ways, so several different strings are being pulled inside me at the same time, but I sense they are leading to the same place. :-)

Open, there is a new stage on my journey that is unraveling right now that raises certain questions, and I hope you may be able to offer me some guidance in the process, so there will be some questions for you at the end of this sharing that I hope you won't mind answering.

Jen, through this moment we've shared here, a new layer is becoming visible to me, and I am beginning to explore a new aspect of being an empath and what that entails. The word 'collapse' seems to have had a profound effect on me, and after I shared The Angel with you, I could feel the walls once again shake inside me and another collapse waiting to take place.

So, yesterday, after I dropped my son off at kindergarten, it presented itself. The feeling of not being able to handle the load of life and expectations, and just wanting to give up. As I surrendered into it, the distinct feeling was the devestation of "I can't take care of my kids!". I've been through this feeling before so it wasn't new to me, but something about it felt different this time. I scanned inside myself for clues, but the feeling didn't seem to land anywhere inside my own story. Then I asked, could this have something to do with my mother, and then I began regressing to situations in my youth when I had been either physically or emotionally abandoned by my mother. I went back to one in particular, the first time I felt abandoned by her. Again, I scanned myself in that situation, but the feeling of collapse didn't land there either, as I've already gone through a big process of both understanding and forgiving my mother for that part of our lives, and I don't feel any pain around it any more. That's when something powerful happened. My vision turned 180 degrees and suddenly I was not myself any more, I was my mother! That's when it landed. Waves of intense pulsating pain surged through me, when I felt my mother's excrutiating heartbreak when she herself collapsed all those years ago. When she just caved in and had to surrender to the ultimate feeling of failure, when a mother realises she can't take care of her child.

Lately, these new types of experiences have been occurring for me. Where my perspective suddenly turns this way, and I'm on the other side. The day before this powerful experience with my mother, I went through something similar with a pigeon that crossed my path as a teenager. My intention was good, but I ended up doing something bad to this pigeon. I have gone through qualms of regret my whole life after that, as it is the only time I hurt something living, and it shook me to the core. A few months ago, I went through a process of forgiving myself for what I did to this pigeon, and I felt I had managed to clear it. But yesterday in yoga class, while lying in the pigeon pose, the bird from my teens returned to me once again. Only this time, I was the wounded pigeon, experiencing what I did to it, but also that there was no need for forgiveness because that had already taken place.

Some of these experiences, are situations where I have been involved, but I have also gone through scenarios that don't apply to my life today. For example, recently going through a trauma of my mother's and grandmother's that took place when my mother was 4. I went through both my mother's and my grandmother's pain respectively, as I cleared this 'motherload' I myself never experienced but still carried since the age of 4.

So here are my questions:

- When I clear these things from my system, am I only helping myself then, or am I also helping the other person to clear them? For example, does my mother have to go through the same thing that I just did with the same intensity (since they are her feelings, and she has not dealt with them), or can my work ease the burden of her load as well?

- Are these types of experiences a common thing for everyone to go through on the path, clearing other people's pain and karma?

- Or is this something typical for an empath to go through, since we absorb and carry so much of other people's stuff, before we realise we are doing it?

- Or, is this perhaps a particular service or contract, (maybe skill) that some of us agreed to prior to coming here?

- Is there another, maybe deeper purpose with this work? I ask this because I feel this is only the beginning for me. I feel more and more of this sort of thing coming my way, like it's just the tip of the ice berg.

And one last question...

Open, in the webinar you talked about the different star soul types/origins and the typical energies/qualities they tend to express/embody. I remember you saying something about Pleiadians being 'naive'. This word resonated so strongly with me, that my mind must have gone blank, because I can't recall at all what you said after that when you explained. Would you mind repeating what you said about Pleiadians being naive? I feel there is a clue there for me, as this is another thread that's being pulled for me right now.

Thank you all for sharing, and for being just the way you are...





In reply to by Anastasia


Hi Aphroheidi!

Thank you for the open hearted, compassionate support I feel in your message. It's a beautiful feeling to connect to that type of energy. The last week has been intense... Complete opposite of your expression... So thank you - it's like a soothing balm at the moment. 💗 Jen 



In reply to by .Jen

Jen, thank you for your kind words.  When I read what you posted I had one of those experiences I often have that causes my love to swell so large that I literally feel combustible.  I sometimes have this just sitting by myself in a quiet room and I feel this overwhelming love that feels like it is physically bursting from my chest and I have to meditate on sending it out to those in need.  The intensity of your week manifests a love from my heart that just wants to pour into your soul and remind you that the challenges are what make us grow the most and the love and support that is all around you will lift you out to a higher vibration once the karmic structure of this intensity serves it's purpose.  I hold you in my meditations and send unconditional love towards you and your journey Jen!  

A Very Warm Namaste (to the HIGHEST in you from the HIGHEST in me ;),


"This light of mine is not so little"

In reply to by Aphroheidi

I am at work and, minutes after posting my extreme feelings of love, I was asked to become an admin for the Facebook page that supports my company's current community effort.  Since I have not been on Facebook in eons and did not want to wake that dormant page, I thought I would take a peek at what was public on my profile (which was a surprisingly large amount) of the things I posted there, years ago, popped up immediately and I thought it was of interest, because it is a poem I wrote describing the very feeling that I was trying to describe to you above.  I hope you enjoy the poem, especially knowing that I am holding love space for you ;)  Here it is (I copied and pasted with the date and everything, just because it is of interest:):


Heidi Graff

April 19, 2011 ·

Love Alive! A Poem by AphroHeidi

I LOVE dancing with my son!  As I held him and we spun in circles the look of excitement and happiness and wonder on his face set my soul alight!!!! 

Love Alive, a poem by Aphroheidi


I am overwhelmed with love,

it ekes from my pores.

When the gods gave it out,

I was given more to share.

Where shall I place it?

Reincarnate Aphrodite,

gentle yet fierce, 

pure yet whorish,

unpredictable yet planned,

complex yet easy.

The loud moaning of the sea,

with its soft foam,

embracing this time lotus,

each petal a form of love.

Worshipping waves, tremulous and grand

like the music of love beating wildly in my heart.

I saw the Phoenix rise,

granting a new life.

Is your fertile mind ready to conceive

of stellar levels of affection?

My spiritual embrace longs to be filled!

A life unleashed and bound in fire,

my flame ignites the way,

leading you to infinity,


Turn the key I've provided,

unlock my mystery,

find spiritual intensity,

embrace the love pouring out of me!


Hi Anastasia,

Some powerful questions indeed, which are sophisticated and will require really deep inquiry. You asked...

When I clear these things from my system, am I only helping myself then, or am I also helping the other person to clear them? For example, does my mother have to go through the same thing that I just did with the same intensity (since they are her feelings, and she has not dealt with them), or can my work ease the burden of her load as well?

It's essential to understand, there are 2 aspects to karma: (1) an aspect of the soul that hasn't yet realised it's nature in a specific situation (2) the karmic eddy current of trauma that builds from (1). You could indeed ease the burden someone else feels by helping to remove the energy in (2) - the karmic eddy current. However this can also be counterproductive, because it takes away the person's access to why the pain happened in the first place. The trauma is an essential clue for the person as to what they need to realise. Although if they're not fully ready, helping them a degree by easing the energetic load can help - providing you don't take it all on.

There is a caveat to the above with regards genetic or 'bloodline' karma - we can help resolve the issues of our physical bloodline, meaning others following on might not have to relive the same experiences physically. In essence we're all performing aspects of that within the shift from Homo Sapiens to the new evolution (what I'm calling "DIVINICUS").

Your experience with the pigeon was deep too. You said you "went through a process of forgiving yourself" for what you inadvertently did to the pigeon. There is the possibility though that you might have intellectualised that to a degree, which would potentially take you out of the full embodiment of the forgiveness. When each of us passes on, we're taken through a life's review - at which point, you actually get to feel what you may have done to another as if you are them - you experience what they felt. It's the connection that forms in the 4D field. When fully experienced, that's when release truly happens, or esle we'll recreate a similar situation in another incarnation where the situation is reversed - we might experience what the other did. It all depends on a deep level of acceptance before fully moving on.

You asked...

is this something typical for an empath to go through, since we absorb and carry so much of other people's stuff, before we realise we are doing it?

Yes! BUT, it's also essential to fully understand and embody how the gift can truly work. So it's essential to manage one's boundaries so as not to take on energy that's not meant for you. And at the same time, an emapth can become a powerful catalyst too, because when you can feel the density in another's field, it enables you to bring your consciousness to bear on that energy - which can then activate, so the other can feel it too. In that way, they're able to process and release their karma. It's something we do much work on within the Openhand Facilitator Program. You might find this article of benefit...


What Spiritual "Empaths" and "Catalysts" might Learn From Each Other


You asked about my view on the Peiadeans having a degree of naievity to them. What I mean by this is that they have an honesty and a vulnerability. They tend to be transparent with others and so expect others to be so with them. Control and manipulation is quite peculiar and strange to them, so they tend not to expect it. And they tend to trust others very easily - the risk is them being duped or deceived by others. I do believe that's a key aspect of their karma here - to learn to be discerning of intent, without then closing down or becoming judgmental.


Open Praying Emoji


I am loving and resonating with so much that has been shared here. As an empath and someone going through ancestral grief as well ,I am really resonating with you Anastasia . My daughter has been my catalyst too and 'activated ' me when she was three years old. As someone who is working in an ongoing way with boundaries ,I know how hard it is and my heart goes out to you. 

In my case my greatest challenge right now is becoming okay with the fact that my brother is depressed to the point of being psychotic and occasionally suicidal. I can 'see' how he is carrying much of the unprocessed grief in this family's genetic line. I say this family because it has never felt very much like my own ever since I was little. I often thought my existence in this particular family dynamic was some sort of horrible mix up. Writing this fills me with grief and also a lot of guilt . I am by comparison very blessed in so many ways and it feels sometimes wrong .

l also feel extremely guilty of not being able to help my sibling - despite being a medical professional and a seeker. 

I feel called to explore deep unmanifest grief inside my hips by doing you yoga. I may be wrong but I feel it is ancestral deep grief I carry and I try and express it in this way . 

Sorry for the very disjointed post ,but just posting it is important I feel . 

For my daughter ,I painted this poem before she was going to be born :




In reply to by Megha

Hi Megha- love reading your open hearted sharings! I am so curious what it means to you to paint a poem? The poem and the imagery in the clip are beautiful and I love that you resonated with them as your daughter was coming into the world. Much love, Jen 

 Hi Aphroheidi, Anastasia and Megha <3

Wow! What a beautiful assembly of inquiring souls! It is incredible how much I can relate to and resonate with your stories and experiences. It feels so good to see and feel aspects of myself in all of you. Lately, I have been surrounded by energies that are challenging for me - which is great of course in the respect that it stirs up blockages/blindspots/old trauma/patterns and brings out new aspects of being - however there has been a high degree of what I feel as aggression, attack, judgement, projection. I don't perceive myself as aggressive or attacking to others, though I have had a tendency to treat myself that way. What's been revealed is how challenging meeting conflict can be. This then connects back to some of the things shared here regarding childhood and ancestral patterns.

I witnessed a lot of verbal conflict up to the age of 3 which I don't recall much of.  I have always had a hard time with noise and chaos as well as aggressive, sarcastic, manipulative energies. Even when there is a clear way of being wanting to come forward, the energy stirs up past trauma and triggers my nervous system into fight or flight. Once that has happened, it is a challenge to communicate effectively as I am shaking and can't breathe. This has been happening with greater frequency lately and I am inquiring how I can be in this energy and not get swamped by it. The tricky part is that it seems to come out of the blue for me...I feel the edginess in the person and tread lightly but the energy seems to come at me directly when I am not expecting it. The "attacking energy" scans for a soft spot and then launches into it. What is my soft spot here? Needing to be understood, needing harmony, needing to belong.  Perhaps treading lightly is exactly where I "misstep" - calling the energy before it "attacks me" may be the key.  This would be challenging to little "i's" distorted need for harmony and belonging - obviously something I need ot work more into.  

Belonging is a big theme lately as a lot of my places of belonging have broken down and invited me to embrace a different sense and meaning of belonging - which I have struggled with. 

Anastasia what you shared about feeling the overwhelm of your mother is something I deeply resonate with.  You said, " The feeling of not being able to handle the load of life and expectations, and just wanting to give up. As I surrendered into it, the distinct feeling was the devestation of "I can't take care of my kids!"" Yes, this is the sense I have felt over and over again...but not just in relation to my kids - in relation to myself. My mother too has expressed the sense of aloneness and abandonment she felt when I was young. My unfolding story has triggered her buried feelings from 40 years ago. It's quite possible I am carrying some of her unexpressed pain as she admittedly cut off from her feelings when I was around 3 and became completely pragmatic. What I sense is a need to come more into the root energy. The proverbial foundation was lifted from under my mother and myself and I have now co-created a circumstance that causes me to feel without foundation again. The sense of foundation having been projected onto Father/Paternal figures of all sorts. The reclaiming of this energy has begun and the terror of letting go of the external one in all it's forms is big right now. (which I even feel is projected onto need for community, teachers, etheric guidance - all of value of course but giving away energy is not optimal). 

My strongest memory of childhood is the following: My father is going to build an external stairway from our second floor kitchen down to a first floor deck. I remember him getting all the wood and bringing it back. I remember standing in the kitchen looking out a second floor doorway and there are no steps to get down. I don't remember any steps being built. This memory feels like a dream. It's certainly symbolic and I often dream that I am in a house with my mother - on the second floor and there is no first floor. I tell my mother when the time is right I have to go down the stairs that flow down from the center of the floor, into the forest, even though we are aware there are bears there.  In the dream I do go down and navigate the forest - which feels positive!

What I find interesting right now is that life as I know it is unravelling...yet I feel authentic threads to what was created...sometimes this pulls me back into the old reality and keeps me from processing fully the loss and therefore coming fully into my own foundation. I sense a potential for a reformation of the original authentic energy, but only once I can fully let go into it's destruction. 

Thanks for listening and sharing all of your beautiful stories and experiences. They have reflected light from many angles. Much love to you all, Jen


Hi everyone,

Megha, welcome to our little circle of angels! Nice to 'see' you here.

My goodness! I'm just completely overwhelmed by the energy I feel here. The openness, vulnerability, compassion, courage and willingness to go deep. Not to mention all the beautiful artistic expressions being shared. "Is your fertile mind ready to conceive of stellar levels of affection?" I just love that, Aphroheidi!

And Megha, I also wondered what you meant by "painting a poem", but the expression in itself was just so beautiful, it didn't even matter what you meant. Painting a poem just sounds like one of the most magical things an expecting mother can do for her coming child. Heart Eyes Emoji

Jen, in your first sharing above, two things stood out for me in particular. One was the element of 'collapse' that is being explored now. The other thing was this energy you described as "when will it be about me?" I chose to let that go at the time, but as I read your new sharing, that 'energy' keeps coming back to me. In just about every paragraph of your exploration, I see elements of my own journey. I could go into depth as to why I'm making this particular connection, and maybe the flow will take me there eventually, but for now I'll just leave you with one word to consider if it means something to you.    




First of all, thank you so much for answering my questions so elaborately! I went on to read the article you shared, and I strongly resonated with the 'canary in the coalmine'. It seems I 've always had this 'function' of not just feeling but also bringing out the hidden currents that hide under the surface. Both to my own and to other people's great discomfort. It seems wherever I go, even when I try to stay in the background and not get involved, I always end up doing or saying something that brings the shit out. If people are open to it, it can lead to progress, but if they're not, the attacks have come hailing down. (Perhaps you resonate with this as well, Jen). It's almost as if the energy itself seeks me out to find a way to be expressed. I had never heard the metaphor of the canary in the coalmine, so I googled it, and there it is! One of my deepest most ancient karmic themes staring me in the face. This one goes as far back as to what may be the explosion of Sirius, which a series of regressions lead me to believe I experienced. I think I might becoming ready to share these experiences and in turn receive some guidance and help in exploring them. This is going to take some guts for me, but eventually I want to start my own thread where this exploration can take place.

Secondly, your explanation of the Pleiadian 'naivety' was spot on for me. Yes, that life challenge is definitely what's coming up for me. I have an anecdote from my childhood that serves as a perfect metaphor for this challenge. This way of thinking and being certainly caused me a lot of trouble and disappointment, both in my youth and in adulthood.


When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I had these two other neighbourhood girls I used to play with. Sometimes we’d play all three of us, but most of the time we would play in pairs. Whenever I would play with just one of them, a certain degree of gossip would always arise about the third that wasn’t present. I was also aware that the two of them would say negative things about me when I wasn’t around. It seemed to be some kind of standard that when we weren’t happy about one friend’s behaviour we’d seek support with the other one, instead of expressing how we felt directly to the person it concerned, hence no problems ever being solved between us. This didn’t make sense to me and it made me uncomfortable to always talk behind each other’s backs, so I gave it some serious thought and came up with this brilliant idea that I shared with my friends. I suggested that instead of talking behind each other’s backs, we should “speak our hearts” (yes, I used those exact words) directly to each other. We could even ask each other “what’s on your heart, today?” to encourage each other to speak about what might be bothering us. My friends bought it, at first. And we played by this rule for a few weeks. I was very pleased. But not long thereafter, the two of them summoned me and told me that they didn’t want to play this way any more. They both agreed they wanted to go back to the way things were before. I never understood why.


Well, today, I have landed in this amazing sisterly (and brotherly) circle with all you beautiful souls, and I can honestly say, I'm proud of who I am. I'm an angel in my own right, just like all of you Heart



Ps. Anyone else feel like joining our circle of angels, feel free. All angels welcome! Angel Halo










In reply to by Anastasia


Hi all! 
Thank you Anastasia for offering the reflection and inquiry around rage.

Over the last week, I have passed this energy/word through my experience and reflecting on how it resonates - and what it stirs up in me.

These feelings came up this week - here are some of what it feels like:
Not ok to be you What u say or think is not right There is something wrong with you What you want or need doesn't matter What you think or feel doesn't matter Being smothered and snuffed out Have to fight to exist - to be

Like you my mothers birth with me was very challenging... I got stuck in the birth canal for very long time and was pulled out with forceps. This mirrors to me the reticence to be in the world and the sense that I will be forced to do what I am not ready to do. I will be overpowered. 

It's intense to work with this in the moment it arises but I keep working with it- it's been ongoing for a while. For some reason I find it very challenging to regress into these particular feelings - on my own or even with support. Without an external stimulus it's pretty protected. And the anxiety I feel when this point is touched is often from withholding expression - essentially smothering and controlling myself in the face of overpowering energy. 

Synchronistically I was studying digestive bitters this week and how they stimulate digestion and cleanse liver... Which happens to be the organ associated with anger. 

Thanks for tuning in and offering this reflection.  Keeping attention on this and seeing what shows up!

Much love,





This web site, and all of you Angels, bring me boundless joy and depth of thought like never before!  I am so filled with gratitude for all of your boundless exposure of what is enfolding in your lives at this time.  I will forever be grateful for how you impact me!  Remain blessed and in the light and I will hold you dearly in my mediations!

I also wanted to support both statements above regarding "painting a poem"; the phrase was so lovely as it invoked feelings of beauty and grace with a multitude of creative options to explore with regards to the it!  I am, however, quite curious of the meaning it has for you :)  If you feel like sharing...



"This light of mine is not so little"


Megha, I forgot to mention.

The day before the experience I had regarding my mother, I was suddenly struck by this intense pain in my left hip. I could hardly walk. After my experience, the pain subsided considerably, but it’s not completely gone. So, I think you’re on to something there, about the ancestral grief residing in the hips somehow...



Hi Anastasia - intutively it speaks of karma relating to birthing - giving birth.

Many women carry that due the nature in which modern day humanity was seeded.

It might be worth meditating and regressing into the sense of that.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thanks for the input. Birthing karma, interesting! I’ll look into that.

Is it possible that even in this case it may be my mother’s birthing experience I carry? My first delivery was definitely a shock to my system, but I had so much help and support in dealing with it, both during and after. And when my second child arrived, I approached it in a completely different way, so it actually turned into a beautiful experience for me.

My mother on the other hand had an extremely traumatic, drawn out experience giving birth to me, and she was completely alone in it. No love or support, only judgement. Is it possible that I may be carrying subconscious guilt and distorted empathetic feelings for ‘causing’ her all that pain?

This journey is so complex at times 🤔




Hi jen - sounds like a powerful one. Heart 

When I read your post, it activated visions of being suppressed in some kind of establishment, like some kind of holding 'prison'. Clearly some deep karma coming up here - sending support through that.

Much love

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open - thank you for offering the reflection. This is something I resonate with and have felt since I was a child... The sense that I will be falsely imprisoned and unable to prove my innocence. That's interesting as it's the inability to prove myself that gets extra energy... There's a fear of being completely taken over by another that causes me to be overly energized around criticism or questioning. It causes me to draw circumstances where I am run over or treated as insignificant. The energy isn't very palpable for this at the moment but it will come back around and these reflections help with being open to experiencing the waves as they arise. Thank you! 

With love,


Dear Jen and Aphroheidi,

Jen, once again, your sharing touches strings of strong resonance within me, and I'm beginning to sense a powerful connection between our stories. You said,

Like you my mothers birth with me was very challenging... I got stuck in the birth canal for very long time and was pulled out with forceps. This mirrors to me the reticence to be in the world and the sense that I will be forced to do what I am not ready to do. I will be overpowered. 

About a year ago, I experienced a regression to what felt like my mother's womb. I was lying in there, preparing to enter the world, and I was not at all excited about it. I knew what was waiting for me out there, and I was not at all happy about having to experience it (again). There was a feeling of acceptance present as well, the knowing that it was something I had to do, but not the confidence that I could handle it, that I was ready. It was as if I knew I would be overpowered by it. The feeling translated as - OK, I will go out there and do my lessons, but I'm not gonna like it!

The moment I uttered those words internally, I immediately understood what one of my biggest life lessons was - to learn to love or at least like life (on Earth). As this dawned on me, I felt a big part of me squirm inside, begging - Ask anything of me, but NOT that!

Consequently, one of my greatest life challenges has been to experience joy in life. I can feel everything else to the point of explosion inside, sadness, compassion, anger, love etc, but joy and happiness I struggle with. There is resistance. That's partly why I'm so inspired by you, Aphroheidi. Your free flowing expression of joy really intreagues me, especially since you've also had your fair share of adversities in life, just like I have.

About 6 months after this experience, I made contact with my soul family for the first time. It happened after one of these 'collapses' that I described above. I was on the floor in foetal position, feeling utterly abandoned, this time not by a particular figure, but by consciousness itself. (It was actually shortly after the experience at the theatre that I shared in the other thread.) A voice said, get up and meditate! So I did, and as I deeply surrendered into that intense pain of being alone and abandoned, a passage opened up through it and on the other side, there they were - my entire soul family cheering me on. I wasn't alone. I had never been alone. In fact, I had a whole clan on my side. A feeling I had never known in this lifetime. It was a blissful reunion indeed.

I learned a few things from this reunion. I had recently passed a mammoth life test, involving a lifetime of direct attacks by reptilian entities and the dark force behind them. (This is sounding more and more like Star Wars, I know, but this is what my life looks like, LOL). It was passing this test that opened the gateway to a new experience of consciousness and eventually the link to my soul family. As I landed among them, I could feel how happy they were that I made it through. The feeling they expressed was one of - We knew you could do it! At the same time though as this was happening 'now', I could also remember what had happened 'then', before I incarnated. I felt like a 'child' soul in relation to the others in my soul family, slightly more immature. There was a strong sense of a lineage of highly evolved spiritual warriors, and I felt the same was expected of me. But I didn't feel the confidence that I could pass the tests they were urging me to come down and face. I felt I was too sensitive, and would be too easily overpowered (and I was, for many years). There was also a clear feeling that I had failed this particular test, perhaps several times, before. I agreed to come down and do my lessons of course, but with the stubbornness of a child I declared - But you can't make me like it!

As my journey continues, I'm beginning to recognise more and more mature aspects of myself, and I'm discovering I'm more evolved than I originally thought I was. Open says we all volunteered to come here at this time, and I believe that's true, even for me. It makes sense. So, I think there is much more to the above story than what I was given to see at that time. I think there was/is an immature aspect of my soul that I have had to acknowledge, but now I'm looking forward to remembering that brave part of me that stood up and said:


I can't believe I'm actually telling all of this, but you angels just crack me open. Lol.

Wishing you all the best in the upcoming New York intensive! May you go deep deep and beyond...Heart




Hi Jen,

I just wanted to share that when I read the following you wrote above, there was so much resonance! Internally I was like 'Yes.... yes .... yes .....' with each of the feelings that you listed. 

Not ok to be you What u say or think is not right There is something wrong with you What you want or need doesn't matter What you think or feel doesn't matter Being smothered and snuffed out Have to fight to exist - to be

I wonder whether I also have karma around being suppressed in some kind of prison? I can see how a lot of these feelings go back to my parents and my upbringing, that there was no room for me and my feelings there, but only for the version of me that they needed for their own good. As a result I became very good in adjusting to circumstances and needs of others, while pushing myself to the background. 

I am currently with my parents and it brings all those feelings right back to the surface! It gets me to a point, where I start questioning any of the 'spiritual' practices that I have done over the years, including Openhand, because it feels like I am still stuck in the exact same place as before, and I can't see how to get out of it, other than moving far away from them (as I have already done several times before). Perhaps the only difference now compared to before is that there is a part of me observing the situation from a distance, watching the part of me that is trapped in playing along the role of 'the daughter'. Sometimes I question why I can't just step out of that role and be me in their presence, but from many attempts in the past to do so, I know that the only thing that will result in is conflict and forceful ways from their side to push me back into the role where they need me.... So I avoid the conflict, but meanwhile it feels like instead the conflict is raging on inside of me as internal tightness and rage can be such a difficult emotion to express...!


Hi Marye,

Synchronistically your inquiry about the influence of parents ties in with one of the deep explorations that's happening here on the New York Paradigm Shift Retreat.

Often, from the place of perceived love, parents are mistakenly telling kids, in effect, that they're not good enough and alright as they are, which happens from an early age, every time you're corrected for 'not doing something right'. Or else 'this' or 'that' could be better. It even boils down to tying your own shoes! I've watched teenagers cramming their feet into shoes just so as to contradict what their parents are telling them (the maverick kids). But so often, children aquiesce to their parents 'guidance' or that of teachers and society, which in effect, keeps conditioning in the idea that you're not good enough as you are.

Now in many people, I've seen how this has become a tangled web of neural programming, from which all manner of behaviourisms have developed. Being shy and retracting for example, or else being purposefully contradictory. Sometimes the pain is concealed through comfort eating, or seeking out love in different relationships or else looking for approval.

These complex webs embed within the brain, and the hypothalimus (an organ at the centre of the brain), then releases neuro peptides into the bodily system which reflects the negative programming that's been conditioned. Now emotions are also embedded within the identity filter. In effect, when you look out into the world, you're seeing through these filters, which are invisible, but nevertheless colourise many of the choices and decisions people make.

So this programming becomes deep and complex, with many different layers plastered on top over the years, so as to somehow find a degree of normality and coherency in the world - just to be able to function. It's also essential to realise, this programming will have been embedded over many years, the essential point being....

Do not expect it all to unwind in 5 minutes! And even when you know what's going on, still it requires concerted unwinding deprogramming action (such as the Breakthrough Approach) over a considerable period of time.

There's also the question of requiring space away from the influences that fire off this energy - for example space from parents. Why is this so important? Because the false self consciousness will relate to the conditioned identity filters, and when the neural pathways of the old identity fire off, then they easily pull you back into the false self consciousness.

So stepping away from the circumstances and relationships of the old consciousness for a good while, can be a very good thing, because you then predominantly feel your True Self consciousness more of the time, and this progressively becomes your established way of being.

You don't necessarily have to break off all ties, or completely stop seeing them, just being clear that you have plenty of space from that constricting consciousness. And when you feel established more in your True Self consciousness, then you can go back into that previous environment more, which will activate the old programming, but which you can more easily see and break down - because you're not constantly being sucked into the old self.

So I would say space is essential, and being very clear with yourself what is right and true for you as a being. The from that place, unwinding the conditioning that will have built up over the years - but do expect this to be quite a journey, which then leads to Transfiguration - the unification of lower and higher self.

Wishing you all well in the inquiry

Open HeartPraying Emoji

Hi Open,

Thanks for your response and the reminder about patience (not my greatest strength!!). The programming indeed feels deep and complex, and when in my parents’ presence it can feel like drowning under the many layers of conditioning that I have accumulated over the years! I think I have managed over time to create a lot more space away from this energy and put more boundaries, but sometimes it feels that has increased the contrast when I am in their presence, making it more uncomfortable and tight than before, when I was unconscious of most of these layers. At the same time, when confronted with the layers/filters, there is a lot of frustration coming up about not yet having managed to untangle and work my way through them (patience….!). I guess that’s the internalized parent telling me that I am not good enough/not getting it right when it comes to overcoming parental conditioning J.



Life has been highlighting this deep broiling anger that I can not create the outcome that I think needs to happen.  There is also frustration that no-one will listen and their choice to not listen is having impacts on my reality. I feel livid about this - I can't seem to see the situation with "perspective" as I have been advised I need.  The distortions are bright, shiny and you can glean from my first sentence =).  My attachment seems to be in needing to create a "smoother path" forward, seeing how that can happen and no-one listening - instead choosing to continue along the way they feel to - which inevitably affects me.  This is all playing out with my children...which keeps showing me over and over that I have no control and that I will only feel more and more pain when I need the outcomes to be a certain way.  

There is immense anger at myself for not being effective - for failing to prevent future painful outcomes. This parenting role seems to be the vehicle through which I learn to forgive myself, to surrender to the natural unfolding of what wants to happen,  to learn where real effectiveness lies (not in forcibly leading the horse to the water lol!). 

Over the last weeks it has been 22, 22, 222222222222....over and over - to a comical level. My need to control and manipulate to reach a "better" outcome is causing me overwhelm and frustration and it seems I could use some real softening up - and yes perhaps some perspective..a higher one...a connect one. though I feel fear in abandoning the "lower one" do I trust that this is right? how do I trust that I will know when to step in? What if I am suppose to act and I don't? 

I know intellectually that all have their own path and will find their own way to navigate it...why do I feel so much energy around how they explore and what they explore? Who am I to say that it should be this way or that way? 

Thanks for the space to share...just needed to put this out there. <3

In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen,

I feel your pain and understand the struggle to let go and trust it will all work out, especially when it involves our children.  Sometimes it's difficult to accept that the "pain of failure" is the outcome that was supposed to happen.  Our children also chose the lessons they need to learn in this lifetime and what you are seeing as a painful failure, may be the lesson your child needs to learn so that they may themselves grow, heal and eventually succeed.  I think the hardest part of being a parent is realizing you have no control, especially when we know our child is heading for hurt or failure and we think we see the right path clearly.  Once our kids reach a certain age all we can do is hope that in raising them we've given them the tools and the foundation to make the right decision.  We can advise and nurture and love them, but in the end it's their path to walk, their mistakes to make.   All we can do is hold the space, let them know they are loved and supported no matter what, and then be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes to shit. 

Big Hugs!!


In reply to by Scott Tampa

Hey there Scott!

Thank you for your heart warming message. <3 Yes, I do feel the same...for me the challenge is containing and unwinding the energy in me that is triggered by their paths. 

Deep inside I do trust their souls unfolding and what I see is that anything that is on their soul path that challenges and triggers me is my internal work to be with.  I never considered myself a "controlling" person...perceived myself as nurturing and open and accepting - sometimes to a fault where boundaries were concerned. Over the years, I have found a greater sense of boundaries and balance internally and that reflects well in the family dynamics. What I have seen lately is that the nurturing and acceptance had layers of control in it and these are getting "plucked" like a guitar string and playing this frequency that causes me to want to fix it so that I can stop feeling this. Of course we know that's not gonna ultimately serve anyone nor does it work! Nor does it work for me to just "let go" - which for me can mean emotionally detaching. BUT, yes there does need to be a gradual letting go of the internal need for harmony and smoothness - through these "opportunities" =)

I so appreciate your warm and grounded support.

With love,


Interesting that this is coming up Jen - the intensity of the need to control. Also the frustration it's creating seems to be mirroring a lot of what I'm seeing in the rise of the divine feminine - or more accurately, the re-ermergence of the supressed ray 1 in evolving/realising women (probably in guys of the right config too).

Interestingly I've found myself being strongly drawn into creative process right now - almost to the point of distraction.

It may well have something to do with what I perceive to be the accelerating shift of the Earth's creative Torus. I feel the energy of the old construct unwinding now. And it's as if a huge vortex is now building. When you're tuned into that, it can bring enormous power to creative intent. I've frequently found myself in meditation with this swirling vortex around me, like a huge serpent. It makes pretty much impossible to rest. BUT, what I've found is just to focus on it and let it move. Creative possibilities come up constantly around me, but I'll work not to fous too heavily on them, rather the moving energy itself.

It's a subtle change that can have a big impact.

The challenge is that it seems you're so close to creative fruition, you just want to dive right into the completion, which can own the mind as control. But holding in the energy itself makes it manageable, the mind contraction unwinds more, and the creation just seems to happen out of holding the dynamic.

Maybe this reflection can help a degree.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Thanks for the reflections Open. =) 

I have been feeling a lot of restlessness and generalized discontent - too many possibilities and buildup of energy around indecision. What you said here is really helpful..."what I've found is just to focus on it and let it move. Creative possibilities come up constantly around me, but I'll work not to fous too heavily on them, rather the moving energy itself."  Yes, I am getting caught on the end goal/outcomes and building frustration.

This relates well to my inquiry around this anger/frustration that is being highlighted through my parenting role. It's hard to describe this anger because I don't feel it as the obvious distortion of expecting your kids to fulfill your wishes and being angry when they don't's more about how I am feeling unable to witness the reflections of harmonious flow in my surroundings and my frustration with that. Clearly if I was more in internal harmony I would experience more of that =). So of course, this is perfectly right that I confront what keeps me from harmony within...these knots of energy that are swirling around inside - hot and bound up. I too often get pulled into external fixes because the internal disharmony that is amplified by my kids being in pain/chaos brings me into overwhelm. I keep going over and over this same issue. It always sounds so easy to work on these things in theory, yet the internal intensity and need to resolve the disharmony can be unbearable to me (the identity that needs things to be harmonious).

What you said above struck me and resonates so focus on the moving energy itself...I needed that reminder. 

Much love,



Hello Loved Open Ones,


I have been offline for a bit, during which time my life has become amazing beyond my comprehension... I am the most happy that I have ever been, the most relaxed and I have been plugging away at the open process diligently and fervently.  It has been phenomenal. 


It is interesting that you bring up this particular topic, because one of the hugest attachments I found that I have is regarding when people are rude. I remember Michael mentioning it at are intensive and I identified with him at that time, but I had no idea how deeply rooted my attachment is to people being rude, inconsiderate or acting in unconscious ways as a whole.  Fortunately for me I have found a 5rythms conscious dance group and I get to meditate then dance almost every day, which keeps me centered and on point.  


Another reason this particular topic is of great interest , and I am excited to take part in the thread, is that you mentioned creativity.  I have been so creatively engaged with my grant writing that I seem to be getting funding right and left for the creative projects I have devised and I am having the opportunity to help so many people that my head is spinning… It is what I always hoped for and dreamed of and, honestly, knew was coming…I feel the flow in the way that everything that I need to complete my projects instantly comes when I express the need...almost like angels are standing by to deliver all of the things that will help me unite my community and help those who are less fortunate...I LOVE my job so much!  I actually get paid to be this happy!!!!!  


They only minor agitations that come out throughout my day are regarding the very things you mentioned, including the interactions of my children... One interaction that really left me feeling like there were major conditionings that needed to be removed from them was when I told my son that I love myself… His first response was to look at me as if I was out of my mind and tell me that I was vain... of course I had to spend some time telling him that people should be proud of what they contribute and their accomplishments and love themselves for the good things they do, but when you think that you are better than someone else it becomes hubris, which is the definition of vanity... in these times where our children are surrounded by people who do not understand this process, we have to soften ourselves and remind ourselves that doing the best we can IS the best we can do and to honor what we are able to accomplish with that. Guiding our children by being the best version of ourselves in front of them is really the only option we have.  Any struggling or efforting we do is in vain (like Scott said we will never be able to control what we are not meant to control and it is wasted energy to try;).  Like you said, Jen, our kiddos have their own path and the HARDEST thing we will ever do is watch them learn from their own mistakes...


I know A LOT about feeling impotent as a mom due to a bad man making a bad decision... I have suffered for two years with my ex-husband (who abused us severely) having majority of the time with them, and doing absolutely zero parenting. When they are with me the rules are different, but it is like re-training every time for them to be even polite or grateful. 


The good news is that I asked for the judge to be out of my way so that the children could be with their mommy safe and sound.  While  I would never, ever, wish someone to die, the result was that he died… I get my kids back. I now know, due to their absence, that all I have to do is be me in front of them and move towards the highest good in all situations pertaining to my older daughters just told me, on the holiday, that they now love me more for those things that they hated me for as teenagers...they KNOW that all I ever did was out of love and out of the desire to raise good people/humans.  When your soul tells you to act on their behalf you will know...when your mind is in the driver’s seat you also know...if you yield to your inner “knowing” and gut feeling it will be “right” and you can’t go wrong as a mom... especially someone like you Jen… Your energy is amazing and your knowing is so much deeper than you think… You taught me so much at our intensive, just by being around you. Trust yourself, because you are a good mom and where our conditioning challenges us to want more for them, you know exactly how much of what to give them to be their guide and their protector, which is our number one job :-). The rest is their

 journey and we can love and support them through it :-). I hope this makes sense and, if it doesn’t, just know that I am supporting you with all my love and all my might :-)


Scott, good to hear from you and love your wise and supportive words :)))))






“The Difference Between Ordinary and Extraordinary is the little extra”


In reply to by Aphroheidi

Hi Aphroheidi!!!

So great to hear from you! I smile and feel lighter reading your words - your joy is quite contagious. <3 So happy to hear that things are flowing so well for you and that the creative endeavors are so abundant. 

I liked what you said here,  "in these times where our children are surrounded by people who do not understand this process, we have to soften ourselves and remind ourselves that doing the best we can IS the best we can do and to honor what we are able to accomplish with that. Guiding our children by being the best version of ourselves in front of them is really the only option we have.  Any struggling or efforting we do is in vain." 

Yes - at times I get stuck wishing for different circumstances on the planet, in communities, in schools - yet the challenges are here for a reason. And yes, I agree that being our best version of ourselves - doing our inner work is the only way...anything else is just ideas and expectations being repeatedly imposed by each generation.

I loved this..."When your soul tells you to act on their behalf you will know...when your mind is in the driver’s seat you also know...if you yield to your inner “knowing” and gut feeling it will be “right” and you can’t go wrong as a mom." Thanks for this's the "not knowing" that is the crux...staying open in that space so that the mind's mechanisms aren't the only thing in play. 

Big hugs to you Heidi! Thank you for your sweet support. <3

Love, Jen

Just had to add a funny synchronicity today to add to what I shared above... 

I stepped out my front door and saw a little blue square on the ground near my car it was a clothing tag from the store call J C Penney and it reads 3T BLUE PRINT $22... It made me laugh, feel grateful for the support and wonder about the 3D blue print, how that's been impacted and how that's impacting the present experience. Hmmm... 

More landed that it's the 4d blueprint (the square) ... And impacts on 3D... I keep getting reflections of massive changes in people's lives.... A lot of inner chaos being uprooted.

I have been having issues with my stomach recently, some kind of turmoil (maybe acid reflux with a bunch of air wanting to release). At first I thought maybe my experimenting with intermittent diet and coffee (occasionally) caused misbalance but i have been doing it this before and didn't have the symptoms.  

Now, I am feeling it may be something else possibly related to the latest Openhand meditative work (breakthrough/chakra/implants/bow) i have been doing on the regular basis and integration of these in everyday life.  I seem to get more challenged/distracted with various thought patterns amplified.  Also, some other shit seems to be coming up to work through (nothing intensive though).

Also, the density (some kind of very dense material highlighted at the lower back and head) in my field has amplified many fold during the meditation practice.  Very distracting, consciousness eater it seems.  I am working with it but haven't moved it yet, only managed to amplify at this point.

Thought would share my experience if it resonates with anyone. Reflections are welcome as well.

With Love,


In reply to by nialet

Hey Anatoly!

Happy to see you here =).

This may be quite off but here are some things that flagged for me...

- reflux, shit coming up, consciousness eater

On a physical level, I wonder how your stomach acid is? Often reflux is actually an indicator of low stomach acid and digestive enzymes - low digestive "fire" which challenges the body to really digest and assimilate what it is receiving.  

Don't know if that resonates? If so, some key things that may also reflect to you energetically (possibly):

Drink plenty of water throughout the day and 20-30 minutes before a meal

Slow down, chew your food consciously and completely

Pay attention to not taking in too much at once

Do not drink fluid while you eat

Begin your meal with a small amount of bitter greens with a bit of ACV (if tolerable)

Include fermented foods and enzyme rich fruits and veg in your diet - like avocado, papaya and pineapple

If it were me and this were "coming up", I might ask myself "what am I having trouble digesting in my life?" Do you notice how you feel in the body when the thought patterns are amplified? Where is your consciousness in those moments? There are many questions you could explore in relation to any of the above.

Much love,

In reply to by .Jen

I find it so interesting how I am responding to my response - so much of what I said applies to my experience =). 

It struck me how equally important it is to release the things that are not for me....what wants to come up and be released out of my field?  This is just as important as what wants to be fully embodied. The concept of digestion is so it involves the transmutation of food/energy. There is the energy that is assimilated...and the release of what is not needed.  Lately I have found myself overeating and feeling sooo full ...for me it's reflecting the need to release some things that I have been taking on materially, emotionally and energetically.  And of course to look at why I am doing that? At the moment it seems to come down to a restlessness and not being with the restlessness to see what's there. 

Thanks for bringing this in Anatoly. <3



Hi Anatoly,

I can relate, and have experienced stomach and heartburn issues in the past. Mine were related to core distortions around consuming past the point of satiation - for pleasure, as well as for emotional comfort.  Sometimes it was subtle and sometimes I would literally inhale my food. 

The physical symptoms were throat and chest tightness and intermittent heartburn, physical pain when pressing on my lower stomach, along with the background feeling of being unable to draw a full breath. It gradually progressed from mild intermittent discomfort to the point where I was not able to eat a wide variety of food because they would cause a histamine reaction.

I know it was partly related to the nature of my initial forays into intermittent fasting - where I would go without eating for most of the day and then sometimes explore the opposite polarity raptor style.

I would also drink black coffee on on an empty stomach many mornings and sometimes afternoons because I LOVED the way it made me feel. 

When things got really challenging I finally got the message, began to eat more consciously, and gave up caffeine for about two months. I did a lot of internet research and self diagnosed my condition as having low stomach acid based on my symptoms. I would sip on a capful of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water before most meals and believe that really helped my digestion.

I can do coffee and black tea now no problem, but normally opt for green tea these days. Just noticing the black/green snake realignment parallel there actually!

The challenges I was experiencing in my life at that time were around personal sovereignty/solar plexus in my career, and suppressing my authentic self expression/throat tension.

It’s still very much a work in progress, but maybe some of the extremes I experienced will help give some added context to your own issues.

With you!


Hey Jen! 

Wow - your knowledge on this subject is very extensive and artfully shared and above all effective.  I wish I would’ve read your exact words this time last year! :)


In reply to by Eric.

Happy to share Paul...glad to hear that you have found things that work for you! Funny, I wouldn't have known this last year as I have been studying herbal medicine over the last year so lots of new things are integrating. I really enjoy making the connections and seeing the reflections of the energy within the physical. Much love, Jen

In reply to by .Jen

Hi Jen,

Thank you so much for ... being you. I was surprised when a very strong wave of emotion ran through me when I noticed you had posted - I just saw the name “Paul” in the title and couldn’t even read the rest of your words it was so strong.   I realized I have always felt connected yet somehow far away from you and never understood why - I hope you don’t mind me sharing that. :)

Interestingly, I am right smack in the middle of delving deeply into my relationship with Divine Mother energy, and synchronistically, also my relationship with my earthly mom. 

I have been exploring specifically the sense of restriction, of limitation, of structured imprisonment that I’ve held inside all of my life while unconsciously projecting much of the blame onto my mom. 

I am in the midst of the deep realization that her structure, her relentless parenting strategy, her seeming distance ... it was all designed PERFECTLY for me. And I saw the unfathomable time, consideration, commitment, uncertainty, agony, and LOVE that went into her expression of motherhood... and I am eternally grateful to the point where tears of gratitude are flowing again now just knowing and feeling it.

What I thought was a prison for so long - wasn’t a prison at all. It was a trellis for me to climb and grow in the right direction - towards the sun. She was and is the perfect mom just being who she is

Just like you.





In reply to by Eric.

Wow Paul! How beautiful! Thank you for sharing with me and no I don't mind at all - I am grateful for it!

What you said here "I realized I have always felt connected yet somehow far away from you and never understood why" I can greatly resonate with struck me quite seems perhaps my way of being or expressing has represented something to you ...something which you are connected to yet feel (or felt) distanced from? 

This phrase stirs something deep in feels like my own words...often in close relationships I have perceived a "dead space" where I feel I can not traverse any further...and I feel a connection but also distanced at the same time. Now I feel it in relation to being somewhat abandoned or distanced from what? I don't know what? Myself?

I love how you shared about the realizations that have come around your mom and the perfection of our experiences...the honesty and vulnerability touched me and made me smile. I can really relate to how you described her challenges. Thank you for sharing! I was contemplating on why my son keeps going through these long periods of intense physical pain...every time I go through this surrendering process and it deeply changes me, and then I realized he is also realizing so much through to be in physical pain and not need it to go away, and not be completely identified with it. Sometimes all he needs is the sense that he is not alone in his pain and that brings so much comfort and ability to be in it and find some freedom within it.  Same for me I suppose =)

What a kind and touching message - thank you so much! <3 Jen


Great reflections and tips Jen and Paul!  Thank you!  On a physical level, most likely this stomach imbalance was triggered by too much play with coffee.  However, this also coincided with a feeling of being stuck on 'spiritual' level.  Heck, I don't even know what that means! Probably a story that ego created where I am supposed to be or how to progress.  I am probably not digesting well a moment when not being challenged in some way.  Becomes a Groundhog Day.  I think maybe the situation calls for deeper penetration of the everyday routine.


Hey Jen, Paul and Anatoly, hat's off to you, great inquiry! Thumbs Up SignThe Sun Emoji

Jen, this stood out like a thunderbolt...

If it were me and this were "coming up", I might ask myself...
"what am I having trouble digesting in my life?"

I would commend the advice given on a physical standpoint, yes. Over the years, diet has been a huge area of inquiry in my own incarnation here and it's been a full-on challenge to get the balance right - constant exploration, constant tweaking here and there. There were many challenges along the way, bloating, over eating, acid reflux, imbalances etc etc. It struck me how convoluted the human digestive system really is, how no one diet seems to be right for everyone - although we can each reflect particular approaches and experiences.

I feel like after about 16 continual years of inquiry, I've now reached a balanced harmony in my own system. I know what works and what doesn't. And throughout all this, one fact became abundantly clear:

Dietary exploration is never just about the physical. It's a powerful journey of spiritual realignment; an invitation to find the right way of living and being in all aspects of life. And it'll precipitate the emergence of karma in a major way too. To gain balance then, is to keep progressing forwards in one's diet and life. They seem to be inextricably interrelated.

Great to see the inquiry here. Awareness is always the key!

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In reply to by Open

I love what you said here Open. I wonder if I came across a bit prescriptive? Watching that. Seems there is still alot of focus on the physical symptoms even within the herbal modality. It feels like a great place for me to learn the intellectual piece of it, however, I am drawn to foster the relationship with the plants and to bring in herbs and other overall wellness modalities as support of spiritual unfolding. I don't see myself working with people who simply want to solve the physical ailments if they are not open to seeing the purpose of the experience they are having. I am trusting that I will naturally draw the people that match the ways I connect and share. =)

It seems we all have certain feelings, experiences we run from in all the ways we do...and then there is the realization that I can just be in this feeling or experience without needing to make it stop, change it, fix it, release it etc. At times I find it's just the emptiness that I am running from...interesting to watch the psychological spinning (self-judgement, analyzing, story reliving or making on a mental level) that goes into that exploration and see how that is also part of the avoidance (though it all has it's place).

At the moment the contemplation is around the feeling of chaos and the resistance to it's impacts. I am recognizing the resistance I feel to loud voices, witnessing physical roughness between people (even when playing), intensity of emotion when people are experiencing anger, harshness, judgement etc. It's beginning to click with me that this is re-experiencing of that which I have become identified with not being able to handle. The key seems to be to allow those vibes in fully, just feel it all without reacting to it and then FINDING A WAY TO EXPRESS IT - which is the big piece I have not been getting on this. I feel like I do let this in (kind of choicelessly...though not always graciously) but I don't express it.

I have definitely numbed it in all the common ways (including bringing myself into a more stimulated state via caffeine, slower state via wine, detached state via tv, less sensitive state via overeating). Then of course,  I have  tried to control externals to minimize feeling it (and yes there are definitely healthy boundaries in place as well - though I see that I go beyond that to control and limit the impacts of what I am feeling). 

The last few days with the music playing on this site, I recognized how good it feels to just move (thank you to all of you musically inspired friends!!!!)...and how helpful this is in unwinding the overstimulation. Feels like a great wait to cleanse and recalibrate the system!


Your inquiry keeps taking you into deeper layers Jen - deeper down the rabbit hole! The Sun Emoji

The chaos is a big one too - yes it'll test all those boundaires around 'right' behaviour. But that's okay - bring it on, it leads to a tremendous sense of freedom in it all.

There with you

Open Praying Emoji

Thanks for the support Open! 

The last two days I have woken with a stiffness through my neck, shoulders and back...the feeling you might get from holding one position too long. Those words seem to ring true for me - becoming a fixed position in the flow.  I am perceiving it as the tension I have been holding through the resistance of feeling through the chaos.  And I do have the question inside of what is chaos? It's felt as lack of order, lack of harmony.

Parts of this have truth as there is plenty of disharmonious vibes. But there is also an internal need to get rid of the disharmony. There is then a judgement about what is occurring the disharmony serves a purpose -reflecting where there is a lack of alignment (in me). And even if the disharmony locally was resolved within, there are within the manifest plenty of knots in the flow, 'grey areas', 'dark areas'. If I am able to be ok with that (on a felt energetic level) then I am the One in it, otherwise I am an identity that needs to have things be light and harmonious.

Can I allow this to be? (self-inquiry) - to feel the general mix of things and trust that all is moving toward alignment in its own way, without my need to hasten it for my own comfort. It seems, hastening happens naturally, if it's right to,  through acceptance of the energy and realignment within. 

Much love,


Hello All,

Lots of new things are coming to the forefront and it always helps me see more clearly when I express it.

I have noticed for a long time that I feel very uncomfortable around men with strong Ray 1 energy - at the same time I am very drawn to it as well. The discomfort causes me to avoid this type of character or shut down internally in a variety of ways - kind of going numb on multiple levels. I will feel a strongly attractive impulse and then close down or go into heightened states of anxiety.  I get the feeling this is abut the inner rejection of this type of energy...seeing some connections to a dream last night.

In the dream, my youngest son (who is 11 - I share this as I feel its pointing to how I felt at this age) died choking on a celery stick. Immediately following I am on a trip with a group of people that I don't feel at ease with - a group of couples that I don't hang out with. I am carrying this sadness of the death of my son, but still going on. It's very clear that I don't belong there and three of the men start finding fault with me - specifically that I gave someone a gift -  a lip balm - that exploded all over their technology and they are angry about it - their eyes have turned completely black. 

Then the scene changes and there are people choking and vomiting around me and then looking through the contents of what was brought up. 

I see a few things here:

-lip "balm" and exploding stand out as I re-read this and perhaps the way a stronger expression can cause things to come up

- expression of inner masculine, expression of gifts,  it's impacts and the resulting choking

- death of the young inner masculine 

And yet I don't feel this is exactly about expressing Ray 1 - what feels right to me is that it's about being willing to stay present with the wanting to run away or going numb in the face of that strong masculine energy - it is a reaction - one that seems so deeply encoded and I can imagine all the ways in which this was wired in. Yet at the bottom of all the reasons and specifics of experiences, there is still just a willingness (or not) to remain open to the flow of what is moving within...feels vulnerable - wide open in a way - not knowing what will come ...facing this energy actually feels like an invitation to meet myself more nakedly and being open to how to be in the moment.

Lots of sort of random things related to the masculine energy ...just putting it out there. <3 Jen