Sharing the flow of things

A place to share the inquiries that are going on for me =).

Comments

Hi Jen

Thanks for sharing!! I feel your Ray1 through your writing. What comes to mind are your reference points that define "masculine energy"?

In my experience learning to express authentically (at first) an energy pulsating through feels clumsy and awkward. I've learned that it's ok for it to come out in a clumsy and awkward way. Suppressing puts into the mind which then warps it and tries to validate the inaction or the energetic impulse that was naturally arising. I think it's possible to deliver a "masculine energy message" in a feminine energy tone using body language or surrounding it with empathetic vibes.

Other times I just state it and let the effect be whatever it may be. Is that insensitive as I am expressing what may be perceived to "hurt" others? Or am I strong as I am being within the truth I have found and allowing myself the space to express from that vantage point? I've circled many issues on the path and "got stuck". I call it rationalizing in the roundabout. Once I recognized that pattern and the safety it provided, I no longer "needed" to continue with that behavior although it continues to rise up subconsciously when I am being "sleepy"

I love Opens response that completely took consciousness into a new perspective that felt so expansive. Within the expansive feeling, constraints and limitations of physicality felt to dissolve as vibrant strands of interconnectedness shimmered. Feeling into the Universe without preconditioned reactions all the conditioned behaviors fall away.

Reaction leads to a feeling of being grounded and stuck. It feels sticky, coagulated on the soul especially when awareness reaches the crux where the mind identifies the behavioral habit and screams at you.. Ego,Ego ,Ego...

So for me, when I arrived at that crux I stopped identifying with words. It felt like when my mind felt the impulse to identify with the energy that was stimulated within which was stimulated by external influences of the environment or external stimuli, the preconditioned associations ensued which limited an authentic in the moment experience.The proverbial ball was in motion instantly, then reaction then reflection ensued.

In that initial moment, when the energy spiked, giving that energy of feeling my attention slowed it all down. I went deeper within beyond the energetic stimulated response. Within the tumultuous inner emotional storm, I felt stillness. The need to respond emotionally dissolved. It became freeing from the ego thus authentic expression flows through.

Open previously stated "A more beneficial approach (to one's soul), would be to learn how to surrender to the flow. Then the layers of the ego start to peel away. Your consciousness expands into the field and into multiple dimensions of existence - where you experience all manner of things beyond imagination."

In those moments I surrender. Let go of any need for what ensues to be a certain way. It takes practice so at first felt conflicting to grasp the concept of making an effort to not effort at all... Quite the conundrum
So letting go of words and labels was key on my journey.

All the attachments associated with the "masculine energy" are defined by the reference points used to create meaning. Would letting go of labeling masculine or feminine be a key. I've recently been asking myself that and exploring letting go of those defining concepts as at the core it is all unconditional oneness.

Much love
Erica

In reply to by erica r

Wow Erica - I could feel every word of what you shared here...what sticks out for me is this...

"in that initial moment, when the energy spiked, giving that energy of feeling my attention slowed it all down. I went deeper within beyond the energetic stimulated response. Within the tumultuous inner emotional storm, I felt stillness. The need to respond emotionally dissolved. It became freeing from the ego thus authentic expression flows through."

This has been shaping for me over the last few years...in deeper and deeper spirals of experience I suppose...yes I feel that connection to center even though the emotions and the physical body is in reaction and that has been key in allowing authentic expression to come forward. I am finding times like these though where something new in me is coming forward and like you said it is awkward to bring it out, mainly due to attachment.

And you said here...
"Suppressing puts into the mind which then warps it and tries to validate the inaction or the energetic impulse that was naturally arising." YES - this is happening.

At the core, is the willingness to release any need to appear a certain way, to maintain a level of acceptance, to blend into the scenery...it's moments like these that invite that to begin breaking down - centering in the midst of the storm...like you said, it all slows down and authentic expression can come through or NOT and then the snowball effect you mentioned. =)

yes, funny that the man said "you all don't know what I mean when I say masculine" and perhaps the truth in that is that I don't completely...there is a mixture of ideas from society, our culture - that confuses the purity of the experience - the feel of that energy...and perhaps yes, the analytical side kicks in to understand it retrospectively.

What I feel coming through right now is a deep urge to allow the tension of any efforting to be anything to unwind through every moment and every situation that arises.

With lots of love and gratitude for the beautiful reflection.
Jen

You're most welcome Jen - it's so great that you can reflect on it at that level. Amazing.

Open *OK*

Ok, now I see what you are saying about leading with a particular ray...I thinkI got stuck on the word "provide" and what that means.

My water guy came today (to work on my kitchen plumbing) and the entire time he talked about how he loves to make connections and build bridges between people. I know this is strong for me too, but I also see that I am being invited to cross through this scary place for me of being more direct in the face of strong masculine energy (distorted especially). Though I do more naturally express Ray 2 and 4, I feel that I have a catalytic side that can be very effective when I am not intimidated to express it. I also feel a bit out there expressing Ray 1 when i can't find the bridge in...when it feels like what I am going to say is going to be alarming - the Ray 4 always seems to bring it in in a digestible way. I am sure opportunities will continue to abound to explore this further. =)

Lastly, this weight I am feeling...yes I do sense that is perceived as heavy because part of me doesn't want to go where it appears to be taking me now...into the depths of holding more intimately deeper levels of anguish and pain - my own and others and not just holding it, but coming down into it more fully and connecting to the lightness down in that.

Thank you Open for taking the time to read all of this and offering me your reflections. I am profoundly grateful.

With love, Jen

Lots of explorations - lots of poignant questions.

You ask...

    "Is really either energy able to provide and support and create in an aligned way without integration of the other?"

Of course no. It needs both, and all the other of the 7 rays. But you can lead from a certain energy - each moment will call that. So we may lead from the ray2 divine feminine and it certainly can succeed that way if there's enough trust in the right situations.

You ask...

    "Is it really right for me to call him into question if I feel extra energy around it because of my own stuff?"

Everybody has distortions - the fastest and most effective way to clear them is to fully express them. Because then you get the strongest mirror - both parties do. It takes courage yes, and it's going to explode situations sometimes, but sometimes that's entirely necessary.

Does the divine masculine feel heavier? If you're used to the lightness of the divine feminine yes it will likely feel heavier - more accurately denser because the energy is more focused. But heavier might mean there's an internal judgment of it - something to look for.

Awesome explorations - advancing you quickly

Open *OK*

Thank you Open for the opportunity to go deeper with these questions.

Yes I have relied upon the masculine around me and have become aware of that... Have allowed more and more of my own creations to come forward, but yes I continually come up against the sense that what I create here is not valued enough to truly support the family...I had a couple poignant dreams... In the first I am a medicine woman/witch of sorts and I am taking all these herbs to help clear something stuck in my throat but that the real issue is shown to be a masculine energy shoved down my throat. The other dream is myself walking on a wooded path - a bear crosses my path and it doesn't at all alarm me as it runs into the water but the path looks to be flooded up ahead with a strong River... In the river are three huge elephants walking with the flow of the river... I turn away and grab crutches from a pile of scraps and take them to my father who receives news that his health is restored.

I feel like both of these dreams show me the acceptance and willing dependence on an outside source of masculine energy rather than coughing up the masculine that is like a projectile object in my mouth and down my throat and allowing myself to join the elephants in the river without the crutch of dependence on the continuation of the external father figure.

Yes I have judged the feminine as not strong enough to provide ... By itself. Is really either energy able to provide and support and create in an aligned way without integration of the other? I have been so tuned into being the open flower and have only recently started to feel the forward motion of the bee.. That wants to dive in and create something new. Perhaps it's more that there is the sense that as a woman this world somehow wants to devour me. There is part of me that feels it needs protection and relaxes in the feeling of its being provided.

So this man in the group... Yes I absolutely felt a pull to say something to him after his sharing but held back as the woman facilitating did not address it ... Which then caused other women to start saying "is it me who is projecting... So many felt concerned for his welfare and that made me feel more agitated because it felt like he was unknowingly manipulating them and putting all the attention on himself. I wasn't sure enough in what I was feeling to just blurt it out- question him although I so felt the urge to, I held back because his way of being was triggering my own stuff around "needing the masculine out there".

I found myself then becoming more pressing in other conversations with women,... As this energy was just festering. So yes, perhaps there was a way for me to speak up and express the Ray 1 energy. Because I didn't call him on it, I just expressed in through my body but it didn't feel complete. What would I have had to risk if I had let the expression come through? Being isolated from the group, appearing combative... Is it really right for me to call him into question if I feel extra energy around it because of my own stuff?

The heaviness I feel now....it's not like a knot or a tightness - it's more a fullness. I am more aware of it then any other place in my body... It feels icy and hot at the same time. Is the feeling of the divine masculine feel heavier? I just feel like a ball of weight in my lower body and part of me wants to lift out of it but that doesn't feel right - it feels more right to birth through it.

Hi Jen,

An invaluable exploration indeed :-)

Have you relied upon the divine masculine around you to support you? To (in effect) replace the divine masculine in you? Have you perhaps judged that the divine feminine is not strong enough to succeed and provide?

Did you confront the guy who was wrongly owning the entirety of the masculine energy - there and then, in front of the group? Perhaps the truth at the core of the anger was repressed ray 1 masculine wanting you to do this? Because it's in the moment where you reclaim that power.

Is the heaviness you now feel actually the density of the divine masculine coming through?

Some questions to explore.

Much love

Open *OK*

So this may be long.. Let's see how concise I can be...went to 5 rhythms workshop this weekend... Powerful and aligned with Openhand way of working with what comes up. Something that is sticking for me is this man in the group that early on in the exploration expressed to the group that he was feeling projected upon and overwhelmed by the need to be be the masculine in the room (and how we don't probably know what he means by that). It really annoyed me... Though I could see this is part of his journey it felt like he was actually projecting on us the need to receive his masculine energy.... I felt a huge arising of basically f**k you!! No one asked you to "be the masculine in the room"... We all have that within us as well and if you look around are expressing it just fine. At the same time, the night before I became aware of an old buried desire within me...just two days prior I received heavy news about the father I grew up with that suddenly in the contemplation of his not being here caused an arising sense of "I need my father" (my birth father) - a person I have strongly sent the message that I don't need him ... The night before I dreamt that I was laid on the ground with my belly showing and light was "working" on the energy there...I then found myself driving an open air vehicle... Like a three wheel motor bike but I was pulling a trailer full of old connections and couldn't go faster than 17 mph... I let everyone out and to my shock found a naked female child in there - about age 5 and she had two children of her own - a boy and a girl...I perceived her as ill equipped to care for these two children and also perceived her own sense of self as totally adequate and capable of caring for these two.

During the workshop today I felt invited to connect to that child within and feel into all the joy of connecting to her offering her love, touching her/my hair and face, whole body, whole being- offering love and acceptance - showing her she is valued and seen and met...and then feeling the anguish of my reaching out and not being met... Confronting my sense of cutting off from letting others know that I need them at all... In fact expressing the opposite.. That I have it all together. I begin to feel a strong urge to give birth.. Just this energy that wants to break through. There is a blue glass cauldron of water on the altar and it feels like the energy is moving into the water or that the blue water is helping it move through me.

Now I feel there is still something there... I can't tell if I just feel weighty in my sacrum and root or blockage... Just feels like a heaviness I am not use to.

I only feel that I can just express this ... It draws the threads together for me so thank you for the space for that... Open to a reflection on this... I actually still feel annoyed by the man who proclaimed our need of him and interestingly "had to" connect with him in a giving and receiving experience... Which I could feel him feeling that I need him to lead me and moved with that and added my own energy ... Probably with a bit too much force as I was aggravated.

Thank you Ben and Open for the support =). I feel so filled with warmth and interestingly it feels as though it is flowing from the solar plexus which has usually felt quite tight and the heart... This is new to me to feel this warm connection in the solar plexus. Now noticing places where I am pushing my agenda... Manipulating and over efforting and experiencing the same toward me...perspective feels steady enough to see and feel without losing touch with the body... Which is a change... There is the part of me that wants to flee but there is an anchor that feels more grounded at the moment. <3

sounds great Jen. Yay for rainbow socks! ;-)

Ben

What a journey it has been recently...one of my children has been going through some difficult times and through it I felt the fire of transformation within myself. Every time I felt I have opened to what is - without any resistance - things would go on longer and any need for things to be different would rise to the surface to be felt and transmuted until there was just an opening so deep and so wide that I could be with this scenario forever without it changing and it was ok with me...and now it has resolved...just days after I felt a totally new energy stirring up and it felt like I literally wanted to jump into my garden - like a bee inside a flower...for lack of a better word - it is a very penetrative energy that I recognize as bringing more forward from the background open flower that I feel as the feminine energy in me to the forward motion energy of the masculine. With that I am literally on fire inside...returning to feeling radiating heat burning through from inside...sweating like crazy, not sleeping and itching all over.

New connections are happening - such amazing reflections - those who I can really share with and who just feel so uplifting and home like to me...brings me so much joy!!

Dreamt last night that I stepped out from being between two walls in shoes that are too small for me - got new shoes - size 4 that I wore with tall rainbow socks!

Just a brief sharing of what is happening for me...and connecting to this community - Much love, Jen

Some clarity is landing on some pain in my shoulder from too much weight, a tire that keeps losing air and a recent literal (and figurative) blindspot on the right side of my new vehicle. There has been a reticence to attune to the lightness. In the past I did so in a way that disconnected me from the body - I have had some fear around feeling the lightness, the expansiveness and getting trapped. Instead though, I am seeing that I am focusing so much on the tightness, on the density that I have cut off connection to feeling the lightness all together. As a result I have been feeling the energy but not a clear sense of direction with it...I am also carrying a weight around trusting myself...I want someone else to give me the answers - I know how disempowering this is and surely I (and most) have lived that reality before. Thank you Open for just your simple encouragement to go deeper within for the answers, as much as part of me wants you to just tell me what’s going on, I would miss my own journey =)!

It felt today like everything around me was shining as brightly as possible to show me how to be. =) Just a quick sharing of some of my journey...

Driving down the road behind a very slow truck, but feel to just stay there and then notice a sticker of a bird with the word “lark” written above it. It feels instantly like the word “song” and I feel it right in the heart - singing is a very heart opening activity for me and allowing the song of the soul to play is something that really speaks to me. Not to mention the bird as a symbol of being grounded and connected to the higher planes. A moment later my attention is drawn to the left to a plaza of shops where three signs lined up on different objects to read jenny, pure, 4...for me this spoke to the heart chakra - opening more to feeling through the senses, to the things that bring the feeling of expandedness and also to attuning to the heartfelt feeling to feel the soul’s “voice” and attune to Ray 4. Arriving at a park to go for a jog, I feel myself unwinding opening and attuning to the senses, feeling the warmth of the heart in a way I haven’t felt for a little while...feels like home...feels so connected. I then see a mother and an infant all dressed in white getting ready to have their photo taken and I feel inside that’s ok to embrace the lightness, it’s ok to feel it and to feel it IN the body - it’s not the place I have been before where the lightness was above me so I lived there...it’s here in the body. As I am running along I feel I am going to lose my keys, but they are still there...a few moments later, they actually are gone. I feel myself start to look side to side along the path and then pause, connect to the heart, slow down and look straight down the path and there they are again. Got in the car and turned on my ipod to shuffle and the first song was “Krishna’s Song” by Sacred Earth...the christ consciousness...feel a deep confirmation to keep connecting through the heart. Thanks for listening and for all of your support.

Thanks Cynthia for your post. I can feel your enthusiasm all the way down here =) yes it is so true what you say above... We know how we "should" be but how do we actually feel and stuffing it down trying to make it be quiet will ultimately never work. I know that what I see is inside of me .... So it's a matter of releasing this old false identity that needs anything outside of me and attuning to this quality within. I feel like this is a giant sack of potatoes and right now I have just stopped carrying it and am opening the bag to see what's in there. I trust life will help me see. Mmmmwah!!! Xo thanks for the reflection!! With love, Jen

This is fabulous Jen - to be able to uncover the junk that we've been holding for eons! We don't want to look and see and feel, but the reality is, it's there!! Amazing realizations!!!
It seems you're no longer using a shovel in that rabbit hole - you have a back-hoe digging away!!
Can you sense the energy that is released through this awareness? I can feel MY body going 'Phew I was tired of holding that!!'
Thank you for sharing.

I had an enlightening dream last night... And it came through on a necklace! I am sitting with this young girl in my lap. She is facing me and I am showing her my necklace charm which is normally an eternity symbol but has now turned into a silver upside down angel with a red outline. Circumstances in the dream unfold to show me the jealousy that is inside of me. In waking I feel instantly grossed out that I have this inside of me... I see it come up but I work to never act from it... But it's still lingering, hanging out under my words and actions. I really don't want to accept this feeling but I know I have to get more into before "the day is done".

Thank you Fiona and Catherine for the kind and supportive words =).

Catherine - Very cool that you can relate with what I am sharing. Yes, it feels like I have been unwinding this core knot for a number of years now...working on all the more obvious places, the ones that undo more easily...like when you are untangling a necklace and it takes patience and persistence and you take care of the simpler ones and then you get to this one stubborn little knot that takes time to unravel...takes time to even see where to pull and to get a good grip and open it, unravel it and then voila! And it will keep coming and it's just fine with me! What else is there?!

I love what you shared above Catherine...I get the image of a stream of light and all these little entanglements around it...and you are shedding these entanglements until the stream of light is free flowing and the highest expression of you shines into the world. Just awesome!! =)

Love to you both,
Jen

Hi Jen,

Your vulnerability, honesty, and presence are so inspiring, as always. I often feel a resonance with your experiences. I am going down a similar path these days: letting the emotions rip, as Open has described it. Feeling into the anger and rage, releasing it, and finding the light beyond to a higher way of being. I still get into "loaded" exchanges, at times. But I'm getting better at releasing the blockages more fully so that I can stand my ground and express more and more with respect, firmness, compassion, honesty, and authenticity. I feel like a bird learning to fly. Ain't it grand? Wishing you well as you spread your wings and soar.

Much Love,

xxx Catherine

Wow, Jen!

What you share is truly inspiring! How wonderful to be at a place where you can express so freely.

Enjoy the joy, love Fiona

Over the last couple days I am finding myself unravelling this emotional blockage and as I have confronted the anger that has been sitting in there I am finding myself able to express myself in the physical...Where I have felt to express but have held back.... And when at last expression can come all the way through it feels so natural, so perfectly effortless... I am not fighting my way through a barrier... The barrier is melting away and more of me naturally unfolds and can express in the moment. It's pure joy to let this loose =).

Thanks Open and Trinity! You are always so supportive and I so appreciate that!! FEels like I am going through both ends of the spectrum right now - feeling more of what's been suppressed and at the same time feeling more connected both within myself and within external relationships. Seeing the internal opening reflected outside in more openness in relationships. Actually maybe these aren't opposite ends of the spectrum as it's through the pain and discomfort that the deeper connection is being forged.

Today I am also working with this old nauseous feeling that feels like a long tube like an umbilical cord attached to my upper abdomen. I remember this feeling from when I was really young and it is being stimulated now again. It gets triggered by some way of being that I see or feel from certain women. I can't say exactly what it is - it's almost like a feeling of me being ashamed or feeling like I have done something that is not acceptable and am being looked upon by these women as someone to shun. It's not clear, throwing it out to the universe for guidance and just keeping my attention on the vibe I am feeling there.

Thanks again for your support!

With love,
Jen