My experiences

For the last couple of weeks i have been going through lot of emotional and mental pain with frustration anger and dissatisfaction. I was with the belief it has got something to do with my life situations and hence wanting to move on from my current place and work. Now i get that my situations only acts as a trigger to some pain seated much deeper.
Last night when i went deeper into the pain i had the experience which is think is karmic related. I have had this experience maybe even from childhood but this time it was much more intense. I did not experience any physical pain as such but it was very much like being tortured or killed. Please pardon me if im drawing any false conclusion. I had the fear of going deeper with it and couldnt think clear because of the mental fog or chaos i was in. I havent got any idea really how to deal with this pain or experience. This morning i was left with the same old uncomfortable feeling. How long would i have to go through this until i can find an opening.




I'm currently on a woofing program in a farm called Chiguru farm. I started travelling because I wanted to get away from my home and the muddled energies within the family and there were many synchronicties supporting that. A few as into this I'm already seeing a lot of ego investments. I received an important synchronicity that said money karma. It spoke to me about how I feel less than because of the lack of resources when compared to and between those who have and established in a worldly sense. How I look and my body weight also adds to this shamefullness. And there by I find myself having to over compensate with wanting to belong, with my talents, and what I can do, knowledge etc. There was a group visitibg today all it engineers and their families and I literally felt out of place. I received a synchronisty in the form of a video in which a lion is fighting off a bunch of hyneas. An underlying belief is that if I dont conform to the expectation of the authority then something is at stake. I find people literally giving me opinions of what I should be doing as if I'm not enough. In a way I'm also looking for support from outside and a neediness to be shown my way and to make my life straight. Its far too easy to look at outside accomplishments and judge ones life. That's another Im becoming conscious of, a lot of comparison with others and this brings my energy levels a lot down. At those times I find it uself to stop when it's happening and find gratitude for what I already have. And I don't just compare myself but also compare my girlfriend to others as if she is not enough. I wanted and later had to play some songs in front of the group during campfire and I coudnt even hear myself with the noise of the children and I felt really stupid and the appreciations I got felt like pity claps! I was observing myself wanting to stop and wanting to break off but coudnt because of the fear of appearing rude. What do I need is the question I'm hearing right now In a very funny way. Sorry if I sound too negative but that's how I feel right now and it feels like ages I have connected with Openhand. Every time I try I coudnt get words to express myself and I fall short of my own expectations. I see its all about expectation. For the last few months I'm seeing the seeker in me really dissolving and this brings up a lot of relief and also suppressed pain to the front. Any comments or insights are welcome. 


HI Vimal - great to hear from you. Yes I noticed you went off the radar. It's really thrilling that you did step away from the family. My sense is that was wanting to happen for some time - not easy. Thumbs Up Sign

Would you say that because you stepped away, that's why so much is coming up right now - can you see the movement as catalysing things?

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open. Yes it's defintely because I stepped away from the family. It was brewing up for a while and was getting increasingly difficult to deny the wanting. It started with a question and I remembered how you mentioned woofing to some guy here years before. I wanted to try it then but this was the right time for it. Maybe stepping away from here has also activated something. Thankyou for picking up the positive and also noticing. I had avoided writing a lot of positives about it yesterday but there's most defintely a lot I could say. The words that keeps popping up in my mind is to move out of hiding and allow everything to be, my body, mind and emotions exactly as it is. Whatever imperfections I was hiding from is exactly what is needed in the moment. 🙂

It's really powerful that you've done this Vimal, I could hear your soul calling for some time The Sun Emoji

And yes, such a move is going to bring up loads. So certainly expect that.

The key is to now work progressively into what comes up. Lots of distortions are clearly arising - that's a good thing. Be clear not to judge yourself, but work progressively through what arises. You're well aware of how to process, so just keep applying that. Be prepared for this phase to last some time, but it will be immensely healing, integrating and expanding.

Sending bundles of love and support

Open Praying Emoji

I am so sorry to share my need for assistance on this post, but it seems to be the most closely related to my problem. I have been working through so much karma, shifting between extreme love/light and wonder to pulling out attachments by the root. I have one thing that has just completely stunted me and I am not sure what to do with it.

I have always been a fairly happy person, despite many traumatizing experiences I have always been able to bounce back. As some of you know, my personal absolute breaking point had to do with injustice surrounding my children and my husband who abused us. A post I put out there a couple of weeks ago was about the corrupt judge having died and my hopes of that changing the injustice. As it turns out the judge dying does nothing as the decision is, by law, required to be upheld by the next judge. Unless I have new evidence I will not be allowed to go to family court to change the custody situation. That leaves me with only one option, which is to take my ex to criminal court for his thousands of contempts of court, including failure to take drug tests that were ordered, not having allowed me facetimes/visitations, etc. If I take this action it may harm my relationship with my older daughters and it may put him in jail (once I file the judge decides and he may spend an extensive amount of time there and I will not be able to withdraw the action).

I have spent the last five years trying to get to the space of forgiveness and was able to get there several times. The problem is that my ex continues to take harmful actions towards me and is harming my children. Now that I have begun the process of eliminating attachments I see that every accusation that he has made or projected upon me (trying to make me feel a certain way, mostly trying to "shame" me) was done to harm me and it was only doing so because I was so attached to having conscientiously navigated my life (even when it was extremely difficult) and he was challenging that. Knowing him and what he has done to me I am not sure why I cared about his opinion at all and I do not feel the need for retribution for all of the harm. I have been working on this (breakthrough technique, etc.) and efforting to try and let it go, but it is still happening. My kids still are not safe. My ability to feel and know that I have been righteous in my actions is not even slightly comforting in the face of this.
I am angry. I have tried NOT to be angry and I have had bouts of forgiveness and even love towards my ex and his family. Each time I think of the injustice and the harm to me and my children, however, I feel the anger, the tightness, the rise of hateful feelings…when I try to push them harder and break through they seem to just grow. Everyone I know keeps saying that I have a right to feel angry, but I don’t want to feel angry over this anymore. I want to get through it and leave it behind. I want to do what I can do with everything else and lose the attachment to the outcome. I don’t know what to do. It is my children and their safety; how do I not feel attached to the outcome? I have allowed myself to cry, wallow, rage, etc. and still the attachment lives, even grows. An extreme injustice has occurred that I am impotent to fix without aiming and pulling a trigger that I cannot take back (metaphorically, of course, pressing criminal charges). One difficult part about it is that I spent every dime of my 401(k), my savings and my parents contributed a lot of their retirement money fighting a battle that we did not know we could not win against a corrupt judge. The WORST part about it is that each time I prepared for court, knowing that I had all of the proof, all of the truth, all of the support, I had to go through the messages of him abusing me with words through the “Our Family Wizard” program that was meant to protect me (along with the restraining order he constantly defies). Now, even as strong as I am and as righteous as my actions, I am daunted at the thought of having to go through all of that again. I know that I need to trust the Universe (and myself) and I do, but how do I navigate this? How will I know what action to take and what to let go of? Do I have to keep fighting this or should I just go on social media and share my story knowing that there are hundreds (if not thousands) of others that this judge harmed before he died? What should I do, how do I detach, how do I let go? I have been waiting for the universe to answer me, guide me, but my children are actively being harmed. I tried discussing with my ex, with his mother, etc. and they just continue to accuse me and place blame on me even though I have proof of their lies and bad actions…I tried to work it out kindly…With their refusal to work with me I feel “fight” rise in me…it does not feel comfortable and I don’t even know where to begin. What do I do? How can I navigate this horrible situation? I know my children have their own journey, but I am their mom and can keep them safe…all I want is for the court to make him drug test, like the order requires, and then give me five minutes in a fair court with a judge who actually looks at the evidence and make a parenting plan that gives me school year custody and my ex can have all vacation time with them if he tests clean…reasonable and fair. With the only option being sending him to jail…what do I do? Help? I apologize if I hijacked this post and I appreciate any and all criticism/feedback/advice, etc.

With a loving heart that feels darkened by this,

Hello Heidi - it's good that your reached out, an important thing to do. :)
And I'm sure everyone reading feels for you and is with you. And how ever you might at first think the Universe is ignoring your calls, it is not <3

There are lots of elements here, so let's work them through step by step.

First and foremost, how ever unjust the situation might appear, are you truly able to accept that you manifested it and drew it to you? Here's the key: if a situation brings up karmic trauma and tightness, then that situation is necessary to activate the karmic density - it couldn't be done any other way. So there has to be full acceptance - although that doesn't mean just to bury your feelings or various possibilities for moving forwards.

This leads me to 'not being attached to the outcome'. A lot of people take this meaning - not to bother doing anything or commiting to the path - that's NOT what it means. It is still to step boldly in the direction of your soul's calling, moment by moment, all in, 100%, WHATEVER THE COST - because the soul in it's authenticity knows no cost. There is only growth. And growth can happen in the deepest darkest hell.

The next thing is we must work to expand out of the limited microcosm of our individual situation. What do I mean? I read a startling statistic the other day, that in Britain, more than 25% of children taken into foster care go missing and are consumed within human trafficking. The mistreatment and abuse of children globally is literally astronomical. You are here to learn how to be the One, and all of this is happening within the One. So maybe when you look at your microcosm - your particular situation - within the greater context of children being lost daily, maybe you could see that perhaps your situation is not as intense as it at first appears? That's not to make light of your experience, not at all, just to work to accept it more by seeing it in the wider context, more from the perspective of the One.
In this regard, I think it's important to consider the other sentient life that is abused and mistreated on our planet - 65 billion grazing creatures mistreated and slaughtered year on year. It's old spiritual hat to say that "we are all one" - it's become a jingoistic statement. What it really means is you must become able to feel it all, as if you are the One, as if you are them. People might pray that their kids and situation are okay, but without then embodying the pain of everyone else. To become Enlightened, is to be able to feel and embody the pain of all those in your wider landscape and yet not suffer. To make sense of it, we have to work to expand out to always see and embody the bigger picture.

It's also important to realise that although you're a parent, you don't own the path of your children, and you don't manifest it for them - they do. So at a soul level, and based on the karma they need to experience, they are manifesting their journey too.

So what can you do personally? Look for the aspects of soul that are buried (in some of the above for example). But also how you're given to come forwards and act. I can clearly see a good deal of the ray 1 masculine has been buried, and either wrapped up with a kind of intellectual/emotional acceptance (because we know we're 'supposed' to do that), but without truly allowing the emotion and feeling to come through.

You said this...

" That leaves me with only one option, which is to take my ex to criminal court for his thousands of contempts of court, including failure to take drug tests that were ordered, not having allowed me facetimes/visitations, etc. If I take this action it may harm my relationship with my older daughters and it may put him in jail (once I file the judge decides and he may spend an extensive amount of time there and I will not be able to withdraw the action)."

Can you see that you're constraining free flowing action and expression of the soul through fear of a perceived outcome and therefore self supression and control?

You go onto say...

"I am angry. I have tried NOT to be angry and I have had bouts of forgiveness and even love towards my ex and his family. Each time I think of the injustice and the harm to me and my children, however, I feel the anger, the tightness, the rise of hateful feelings…when I try to push them harder and break through they seem to just grow. Everyone I know keeps saying that I have a right to feel angry, but I don’t want to feel angry over this anymore."

The anger is concealing authentic expression of soul. Whatever we might consider a distortion, is a distortion of truth. Anger often happens when we've suppressed the rightful and willful ray 1 expression of soul - to take positive action. But you must first work to peel off the anger by full expression of it. And then, to allow the ray 1 to come forth with positive action - without fear of the outcome. Or at least if there is fear, obseving how that impacts you, and working to unwind through.

You said...

"Everyone I know keeps saying that I have a right to feel angry, but I don’t want to feel angry over this anymore. I want to get through it and leave it behind. I want to do what I can do with everything else and lose the attachment to the outcome."

Yes, leave the anger behind, but NOT the ray 1! Leave the need for a particular outcome behind, yes, BUT show up positively and committedly to whatever outcome you're given to actualise - it cannot happen without you taking a full and active part.

I think it would be helpful to review this article...…

Finally, this feels like one of the big karmic lessons of life that you've manifested. Work not to try to have it all behind you, but rather to focus on growing through it. Because there will be masses to gain, AND THAT'S WHY YOU MANIFESTED IT! In challenging situations like this myself, I've found it helps to accept I simply have to work through it rather than seek 'the end to it'.

If you'd like facilitator support, and I believe that would help, do email us.

You can do this. It's there to be worked through and will unleash crucial aspects of soul. And there's boundless love and support for you through that.

Open <3

In reply to by Open

Open, as always your sharing is timely for me. I was working with Jen last night and we were talking about some anger I was experiencing and how I needed to express it and find a way to authentically speak my truth! To my fellow Openhanders, if you find yourself struggling or needing guidance I strongly recommend reaching out to Open and working with a facilitator, Jen has been a great help in continuing the work I started in New York.

Synchronicity is clicking on all cylinders:
1. Jen and I were discussing this topic last night and your advise to Heidi was a perfect complement to what Jen shared with me last night.
2. After my wonderful session with Jen, I felt compelled today to post a comment in support of your wonderful facilitators which you referenced in this post AND
3. I watched the Matrix (referenced in the linked article!) for the first time in a long time this past weekend

I'm going to reread your advice to Heidi and the article you linked to above as I'm sure there's an important lesson there for me to learn!

Big Hugs to you Heidi, you got this!


Dear Aphroheidi - I totally understand your situation and feel for your tough challenge .

2 Years ago , i reacquainted with a cousin i had not met in years . I knew somehow that he had a son of 12 years old but i did not know the extend of his entire situation . To fulfill my study cases to embody more of the Soul Facilitator in me , i invited him home & offered him a space to be Heard ( which i felt he was clearly missing around him ) . For 2 long hours , i listened to the situation he is into regarding " regaining the custody of his son ". Indeed , to make a long story short , One day his ex-living partner ( i came to understand later that she went through 2 abandonment Karmic experiences before they that son was born - first in India , than in Belgium !!! Its an important detail to the entire unfolding because It spiked through me as a major Key activator of what happened next ) was at home with her son and he took " By Mistake " some medication pills that were hanging somewhere in that Apartment .
She brought him to the Urgency section of the nearby hospital since she thought he might be in health danger and something needed to be done quickly . From there , the entire situation went really dire for them . The emergency physician did take that situation as " irresponsible parenthood with no intention to harm " and filed a complaint . My cousin's brother - who also often welcomed his son - did the same and the entre situation escaladed rapidly into Court .
Through the 2 hours i was listening to my cousin , I heard many distorted beliefs as well form his part like : " We never did anything " or " they are the dark ones " or " This is a Police State & Its full of injustice " . I knew intuitively that was His veiled version of the entire case . They are the Bad guys & We never did anything for it to happen that way . My Cousin, when he was around 5 or 6 years old was put away from home by his own parents because he was viewed as " Disturbing " . Thats another key element i knew before that comes into play here - without him ever taking that on board ( its my role to pick up those subtle elements of the past because i know intuitively they play a karmic role in the child's custody fight still going on ) . I never told him so far that as a Soul Facilitator , i am skilled at picking up elements ( even if they dont make sense to his mind version of " Injustice " Made to them ) that Open a new angle on why they ' Attracted " this inconvenient & painful situation . Its so BIG / Hidden that it wont make sense . i unfortunately never felt he was open enough ( " I have done enough Coaching in the past " he affirmed me as well ) to go that deep and Self _ Realize how much that situation was about " Re-empowerment " of them ( Like Open underlined so well for your situation - Ray 1 suppression been exposed/revelaed in an unconventional & painful way ) . I also had to take into account that i had regularly heard from him( during his 2 hour long exposé ) many judgments being directed towards his son before the event took place Like : He is not listening , he is always trying to be out of center , he is not enough this & that . In My intuitive Higher Mind expertise during that period ( 2 ,3 sessions ) , so many spiking crucial bits came to my awareness that created the Karmic event . It became obvious they both attracted this situation for 3 main reasons : 1) Too Many attachments towards their son 2) suppressed Ray 1 due to their karmic " abandonment " experiences from childhood 3 ) Their son's Journey is to be way different and away from their custody - Abandonment seems to be the Central Karmic theme here for everybody . Indeed , the Courts decision from early this month decided he wont be living with them until he is 18 & they wont be able to see him during Christmas this year !! ( 4 years at least ) . They also spend tons of money hiring the best Lawyers of the country and they can't follow anymore financially . I also offered to work with the son Mother's * Abandonment * root pain but it never went across unfortunately . I knew that was the root cause to be worked with in order to understand The Bigger picture of the situation .
He claimed that the Judge is corrupted and his brother a mole for the Court .
What i told him recently on the phone is this : U are here to shine a light on the distorted methods of the Justice /court in Belgium regarding such cases - since i can't bring him to go deeper with what is offered ( Soul Growth - he does not believe in spiritual growth or anything related to that approach ) it felt appropriate to nevertheless offer him some Motivation - because His Ray 1 had been unleashed through this particular situation . Blaming others for their pain is still in him + Rage + Anger and nothing has been done to express those energies ( thats a bit of a stretch to bring him to understand that crucial part ) but he found somehow one of His Soul gifts , even covered with a blame / revenge veil . He will eventually have to surrender , soon or later , thats what i wish him with my whole heart .

I whole heartedly wish your the best with your inner process - knowing what my cousin went through so far - specially if u are ready to view this tough situation as a re-empowerment of your Soul + a re-aligment of Your Ray 1 + intergration of your other Soul ray qualities . I have met countless women this year going through this Shift / re-empowerment of their Ray 1 as Open mentioned not long ago at the end of His World Tour . I feel humbled by the role i was invited to play for those women - some of which even became closer friends ( they dont live nearby - but that did not stop me offering them tips / mirrors / elements of the Openhand way for lasting empowerment ) . The latest was 2 days ago on Facebook ( a therapist who felt the urgent need to EXPRESS How she felt in regard of some distorted situations Held back by her " Hierarchic superiors " in the region of Victoria BC ) . How synchronistic again !!!! I dont even look or search for those situations - they just happen ,one after the other by energetic resonance .

Much love & support .

Jean Bluehopi

I was hoping to read the article you suggested, Open, before making a full reply. It said that I don't have permission to see that article. I did come upon a few other things that I feel compelled to read before making a full reply. I wanted to say, however, that I am filled with gratitude for both of you! Open, everything you said makes perfect sense, of course, and I can see areas that I can begin to pull this out by the root of its hold on me. To read your message, Jean Bluehopi, sort of blew my mind. The fact that you mentioned the "brother" being involved in the corrupt situation hit VERY close to home and I had not even mentioned it in my post! My brother-in-law is the Chief of the fire department in the small town and friends with the judge (who also went to High School with my mother-in-law). Beneath the obituary for the judge, however, there were numerous people that he had harmed in a similar way. So, while the calls to the police (when my ex violated the restraining order) fell on deaf ears, due to his brother's involvement, Open's comment regarding my "microcosm" made SO MUCH SENSE! In my work (my employment) I help people who suffer from mental illness, have been incarcerated and/or are homeless. I like to be optimistic, happy and light filled, and anger scares the bajeebies out of me...I guess I fear getting "stuck" there as I have seen this happen to some of those I serve. I know that I am a lightworker and that I have work to do, but Open stated so accurately that I need to experience/express/embody this, glean the lesson and put that to work...that is what I am getting so far ;) I know there is A LOT more to it, but I do want to do some reading, some meditating and some work on this before I fully reply. I guess this is my long-winded way of saying thank you and I am embracing all of what you both have said and will reach out again when it feels right to do so. Thank you from the depths for your support/advice/perspective/wisdom!

Warmest Love,


Thank you Scott :)  You are such a great support and friend and I am blessed for your presence in my life!

So, WOW!  After having read all of your amazing insights and profound advice, doing some reading, doing some meditating, doing some breakthrough work, etc.  I have found a lot of answers; most of which were completely unexpected, but wholly true.  I can see where the distortions lie and can see how I need to proceed for my authentic self.  I have not (of course) been enlightened to how the worldly progress of my court situation should go, but I know it will come when I am ready and the timing is divinely right. 

I was baffled when “abandonment” issues were mentioned, because I have the BEST family (especially my parents, they are both amazing people!) and I have always felt very loved, supported and cherished.  My thinking mind was going in circles on this, so I decided to do a dance/audio vision board/ walk…this is a new project of “vision” that I have been using to allow divine messages to come through me and allowing the music to organically lead me as a therapist would in order to delve deeply into messages that I feel I have been sending myself through songs since I was able to recognize meaning within them.  I would be happy to explain the process to anyone who is interested 😉.

Anyhow, through this process of allowing songs from my Audio Vision Board playlist to shuffle and present when I am needing the message, I ended up hearing a lot of APC (A Perfect Circle), Rage Against The Machine, Xavier Rudd, Cat Stevens, Billy Joel and Aimee Mann…the mixture led me to have the following vision concerning abandonment…this is the “stream of consciousness through which I experienced my “answers”:

S.O.C. (Stream Of Consciousness):  I am filled with RAGE.  I am angry at a situation and placing blame where it is comfortable to do so (a person who has and continues to harm me), but why did I manifest this situation and what am I to learn…who am I REALLY raging at?  Who REALLY abandoned me?  Myself.  At one point in my life, either shortly after a tragic event, or due to religious conditioning, I attempted to embody the statement “the meek shall inherit the earth” of Jesus (I must have really wanted the earth, lol!  I will chalk it up to a compliment for Gaia 😉)…I was a Christian in my youth because my lovely grandma was so grace filled and kind (always being a “real” Christian and serving others) and I wanted to be like her. 

Prior to my major crisis of faith, which has led me to where I am now, I thought this statement meant that I should be very meek if I want to get closer to god.  I pushed out my power, I allowed my strength only to come in the face of adversity (thus creating one adversity after another).  The sexual trauma from when I was 4 and 5 is when I believe I abandoned myself first, feeling small and weak.  Each trauma brought new insight and my power would come out so that I could navigate the situation and then return to being only loving and light filled, desiring only to make others happy and feeling the worst of myself if I ever felt low. 

I was also mad at god, before I knew that “god” is not real and is a label people use for religion.  Deep down I was mad at myself for having put too stringent of standards on myself and then shaming myself if I could or did not live up to them. Last night I asked myself, wanting a REAL answer, why I put such high standards upon myself; why I try to be the MOST conscientious at all times; why do I not want to be angry, experience grief in front of others or allow myself to authentically express feelings of sorrow or anger in front of others…EGO. 

I thought that if I behaved in a certain manner that others would follow and that it is the “right” way to live to be aware, conscientious and kind/loving to others…not my business, not my role, not my purpose.  My purpose right now is to discover just how deeply my ego is involved in my spiritual path and why I keep hitting the “same” roadblocks.  I realize that I am angry at myself because having children meant that “I” would be able to protect them from what happened to me when I was little…I have not been able to do that for my son.  My husband abuses him in a manner I care not to mention. 

The severe anger at myself RAGED out and my audio/vision tempered it with songs of messages like “get the led out; suck it up buttercup…we’ve got mountains to move…” and “Gotta get that fire, fire, back in my bones, Before my heart, heart, turns into stone, So somebody please pass the megaphone, I'll shout it…give me the strength to raise my voice, let me testify. The time has come to make a choice and I choose joy”. 

Where I am at, attachments, distortions, etc., is that I realize that I need to balance my empathic/catalytic, my divine feminine/masculine, my beingness that embodies how I express myself…I realized that I am not meek, but in fact I am extremely powerful.  I have been afraid of this power as everybody around me expects “sweet” and this power makes me more like a warrior…my actual birth name means “gentle warrior”, which I always used to laugh about and say that I was born into this world as an oxymoron…heavy on the oxy 😉, lol!  I have also suppressed my sexuality to an EXTREME level.  I won’t go into details other than to say that I have probably, at age 46, had sex fewer than there are days in a year…I have been in a kundalini-state nightmare for over a year now and realize that I am actually a sexual goddess, but without the right partner…that is for a whole other exploration of self, lol!  I may not ever get to express that, but I know that I can authentically unleash the fear and anxiety it causes me to have feelings of this sort in public…I sometimes hear the thoughts of others (have since I was little) and have “proven” it to many and I guess I feared someone else might hear mine…?????  When I am dancing, however, I stifle any hip movement that may appear “sexual” and I cover every single inch of me most of the time…like I said…an entire body of work on its own…

Anyhow, now I will be continuing to “work” on balancing the power, allowing myself to express myself as I am and not hide when it is what I don’t want to express “in front of others”…one of the reasons I love you Open people so much, is that I feel that I can be authentic, express my true self and vulnerably lay it out for you without judgement and with so much love and support that I feel highly blessed.  Everyone around me in the physical/present expects me to be happy, joy filled, bending over backwards to help others and make every single decision the BEST one, etc.   I need to walk away, “NO MATTER THE COST” from anyone who cannot accept that I am a lioness…my desire to help others (one that I get to do now and brings me insane amounts of joy) has to balanced with my ability to lead others…I have been working on “community”, but I have been doing so meekly, asking…I feel like the Universe is telling me to demand (pretty much) that communities come together and help each other. 

I have a lot more cultivating to do regarding this journey, especially pulling out the ego root and replacing it with authentic power that I need to move in the direction that I am supposed to.

What does this have to do with court?  I learned that the forgiveness that Open helped me find for my ex (Ryan), when I first found this site, is still there.  Ryan may not be ALWAYS doing horrible things; maybe I am projecting upon him due to my having seen him like that for so long…Ryan, the judge, the “system”, is not to be the target of my rage.  I am already fighting injustice in my employment work; injustice with my microcosm of unfairness in the CA court system is not my battle.  I have one act, which may have to be done in court, and now war with that injustice.  My children have their own journey/karma/challenges/greatness that they are cultivating without my input and that is ok.  I am still very “attached” to them and want them with me and safe, but I know that the Universe will lay out the path (I am still reaching out in order to draw possibilities to me) when I am ready, when they are ready and when timing is right.  Meanwhile, I need to continue doing what I am doing and go as deeply as I can into my own reflection and pull out the roots of the weeds…

In process…grateful of the help, seeking continued support and hoping you will all feel free to be very frank with me and honest like a wrecking ball…

Loving and Appreciating All Open People 😊,



It's a powerful exploration for sure Aphroheidi - much encouragment for digging deep voltage emoji iconThe Sun EmojiThumbs Up Sign

It's a wonderful reflection to all reading and especially this aspect...

Your'e going to face deep and testing challenges in your life at a soul level. Do not wish these away and try to make them easier somehow. How can you smelt a sword without the right temperature? So these most challenging of circumstances are the forging of the soul. And when you're in them, it's essential to be honest with yourself about them.... "okay, so I'm in the sh**, that's how it is." So instead of wishing them away, you accept and fully turn into them.

Sometimes you will come across a crucial life lesson, that can take years to embody. The more you accept and turn into, the faster you'll integrate and come through. But don't expect them to be easy. They'll challenge at the deepest levels. But that's exactly how you forge "Excalibur" - your Sword of Truth!

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

How important it is to have a dream for spiritual progress?

To be honest, I feel like I was betrayed by my own spirituality. Ofcourse it's because I was looking for some outcome from it. But now clearly seeing that it's not a build up process but only a breakdown, I kind a feels disoriented, of not having a place in this world, with people. 


During travel I meet people who are passionate about so many things with a good cause like organic farming or conducting workshops but I fail to find passion within me. To me its more like finding a foot in this world with all of this uncertainty. I do get pretty much in the head about how things are unfolding in the future but I remind myself that I don't have much control over it in terms of what to do but just be open to whatever wants to happen. It's a degree frustrating to see that I'm not really passionate about or deeply care about anything even those things I used to in the past. 


I was reading a wonderful book about gandhi and the importance of a sense of mission for a satisfying life. This makes me contemplate that have I lost that passion for spiritual growth because I have let go of some of spiritual identities. This has put me into a degree of survival mode.


I have been in the place of uncertainty for some time and something opened up - just an idea. We have another house in the city back home which was given for rent for many years. They are vacating, so I have chance to live alone separate from my family when I return home within a few days. This gives me some excitement in the prospect of going back which was not there previously. Since it is the city, there might be also more opportunity to make some income which not yet has arrived in my conciousness fully. This step also invites some judgement and a degree challenging, so I think it may be a rightful path to take. If theres one thing that this travel has taught me, that would be about self sufficiency. And I would like to think, this new path may have opened up from it. 



Hi Vimal,

I hear your soul yearning through your words. You passion is right there, starting to break through. It'll just need a change of perception to finally see it.

You spoke of 'organic farming' and 'workshops' and not being able to find your passion there. To me these are interests, not the passion that drives them. Passion is there at the root of everything.

You speak of Ghandi and sense of mission leading to a satisfying life. So what do you believe his passion was?

Here's a hint...

Hi Open, 

I'm at another crossroads now. Its not clear what my passion is. From the video and your reply I get the sense that passion is not something that you do on the outside but what makes you tick and brings you joy. I know I feel them while travelling and connecting with people. I have also found a natutwl aptitude in holding an empathic space. 

I'm back at my home and the money I have with me is literally close to zero. The logical thing seems to search for some job and until then ask for support my mother. It doesn't feel right and neither do I want to do that. But the logical thing is to have some financial backup. I'm running quite low on trust and feeling a lot of density and tightness. My mind can't figure out what is there to breakthrough or from where trust can come. Some part of me used to believe that if I ever run completely out of money, then support would come from somewhere. From your reply to Paul in reminded that it's not how it works. It's not about what I do or don't do. But about how I'm feeling now, confusion and all. I'm seeing two things - a part which wants to follow the old rules of doing. But when I tried to do some obvious things that were in my mind, I hit a lot of block. Other part wants to believe that if I just preserve with he feeling then something or the other will turn up. But still confusion that if its not an excuse to do nothing. I had this sign on me yesterday which read "preserve until something happens". This song came up in my player "ypu never gonna survive unless you become a little crazy" and another sign "you are the creator of your destiny". I wish I had a bit more commitment and will to take on the density. I don't know I get too disheartened nowadays when I hit such blockages and ask for some easy way. 

What immediately struck me is “psychologist”. I don’t know your background ar training ,but the ability to hold empathetic space is wonderful ! And you could be of such service in that . Do check out online courses run by Indira Gandhi University( the Gandhi is synchronous :)) . They aren’t very expensive and are often long distance certifications. In my head I can just SEE you finding your way by being your own unique self which also helps others . 

Lots of love and good vibes to you on your journey !


In reply to by Megha

Hi Megha ,

Thankyou so much for your input. Being of service by counselling or facilation has been in my mind for a long time now. In conversation with people I long to get out from the superficial and get to the root and get a bit disappointed when they don't want to go down that road. I have considered higher studies, but was somehow repelled by the course materials and displines. 4 years of engineering study had done that much. I have checked out the ignau. Its a distant program and also very affordable. So I'm seriously considering it. Let's watch for some synchronicity. I beleive psychology as offered in the course has nothing to do with meditation or inner inquiry so it might be a challenge to integrate what I have found within myself with it. I have always wanted to get to the final part of giving out service that I may have overlooked the steps on the way. 

I'm also planning to get some part time job to sustain myself, maybe drive uber or something. I'm also preparing my own teaching material for guitar lessons. So I'm looking forward for that too.

Thanks for connecting 


I'm currently exploring the authenticity in searching for something - a job, partner etc. Does searching purely comes from the ego, a sense of lack, trying to fix the problem or is there more to it? Can searching come from the soul with an open heart and open mind.
For the past few days I was completely lost in the outside world, in the head looking for an outcome, disconnected from the heart. I wanted to go back partly to the old world and the old ways. Needless to the say it didn't work and getting lost in the head is not a pleasent experience. Fortunately something broke inside today and I'm back with more acceptance of my situation and more humility. Nothing changed in the outside, no fixes, it's all the same but the perception changed.
I was holding this question about searching while I was trying to meditate and my attention was drawn to some eagles in the sky apparently searching for food. So I guess it can be natural and authentic too. Maybe the problem is when you are lost in it, in the need for an outcome.
Some breaking down and transformation is taking place inside me synchronicitically relfected in the outside as the tearing down a part of my home, especially the roof of my room. So we have moved to the new house and I'm painting the same and in the process. As things have changed I'm searching for a job not very actively for a source of income to support myself while I complete my studies in the new found path. The last 2 jobs I have done has literally arrived for me, in one case as an idea and I didnt have to search for it.
The things I have learned within these few days is to be completely open and honest no matter what the outcome. And if it doesnt manifest I can rest peacefully knowing that it was not meant for me at all. I have also seen synchronicities clicking in when I step towards a path but still when I reach there I learn it isn't for me. What's happening here?  

Hi Vimal - sounds like an important breakthrough indeed. Good for you The Sun Emoji

So it's possible to feel the tightness of efforting for something. You can literally feel yourself locked inside the head, or there's some craving and neediness in the emotional body. But if you can confront that, not react to it, and soften through it, as you have clearly done in this case, then you're break that aspect of ego down.

It then leads to a feeling of openness, of expansiveness, where the flow can now come through you - and that's reflected in the outer through synchronicity. But the 'searching' now becomes a different quality. Rather than efforting to acquire, there can be an attentive awareness with a natural expectancy that something in this regard will land. You can't know exactly when. but the reflections are that you're already creating this - it's already beginning to take form in your landscape, up in 5D, like swirling clouds, or in this case eagles, in the sky.

So be patient now. Keep watching the synchronicities and feeling the feelings. Watch the landscape shape around you. This is creating more from 5D.


Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open, 

You wrote "Rather than efforting to acquire, there can be an attentive awareness with a natural expectancy that something in this regard will land.​​​​​​" 

I have now a natural expectancy and a degree of trust that something of this regard will land. But could I ask, is it also not important to step in the direction of searching, like maybe looking for some job through the Internet? 




In reply to by Vimal V

I will just add my experience to it Vimal. I am also looking for change right now even though I am in an extremely comfortable job situation . I am looking and talking to people ,networking with them on an intellectual plane. But then ,I am checking with my heart about what feels right ,even if it may seem crazy or outlandish. And when I am going for something ,I open my heart in the faith that it will lead to something important . Sometimes that leads to just a clear reflection of myself and my motives and a subtle pull toward staying in the same place . Or to an Insight .Usually though ,it leads to something tangible ,real in the most magical and non rational of ways. So follow whatever you think ,and then feel I to it step by step . It needs you to be okay with not ''getting'  what you ' thought' and the allowing of much bigger forces to participate 

Take Care ! 


Hi Vimal - yes indeed, we must definitely step in the direction that we feel drawn to. The internet is not only a part of the matrix, but light flows through it too - as it does through all things. The key is to keep feeling the interplay, keep working to be in the sense of rightness about it - not efforting the search, but still looking.

Open Thumbs Up Sign

In reply to by Open


Hi Open,

I like to explore further on the subject we discussed. Im once again moving through a similar process.
I like to ask " why creation a happens at all?" I mean if we are OK with how we are being and find contentment with what we have, then is there any need to purposefully create and woudnt that put a halt to any inquiry and change. Does manifestation happen only because our focus and natural expectancy?

I'm at a place where I'm still depended ony mother for financial stability. I know this isn't fully aligned with my beingness. The call to be self reliant is that from the soul. For some time I was at denial due to shame but the universe exploded that illusion with an event so that I was fully accounting of it. That the universe in its infinite intelligence has created the circumstances that I was experiencing and there's nothing wrong with it. But that opened up another inquiry about the importance of self reliance and lot of efforting with the mind to achieve it. But again the effort closed me down and all the reflections were that of the ego. I got a stye on my right eye which spoke to me about the importance of acceptance and surrender. I was feeling into some unworthiness, fear of being wrong and jealousy. As I felt into it, I got the reflections in the form of a sign that read "something brilliant is coming up", so that I was optimistic. But the next day while I was in car with my mother, I saw the same sigh which was blocked by a loaded truck. I picked up a distortion from my mother which I have internalised pointing to the unworthiness relating to my external situation. On the return journey, wheel of the car got punctured and it felt that I have broken through some underlying distortion.
Today I feel most of the neediness has dissappered but then what would be the motivation to create anything? I could also argue that its the ego which can't accept the dependency and want to fix the situation.
From another thread on the similar subject I know there is investment in the external drama which is being engaged. I understand that I'm not here to create anything but to simply birth in myself a new way of creation. I'm only trying to rationalize the creation process. I also find that it's much more easier to surrender, when I have a perspective on whats actually happening and what I'm invited to do. I welcome any reflections from you Slightly Smiling

Vimal Heart


Everytime I have food from home I feel a sense of guilt that I don't deserve this. A fear of being depended on others. I have been seeing this for many years now and this is coming up again and again. I don't want to be seen like my brother against whom I have some judgements. This I think is just mirroring the inner childhood identities. This causes me to effort when there's none required.

I'm seeing a lot of mangoose lately. The spiritual significance of mangoose are listed as being courageous, independent etc. Maybe it signifies the emergence of these qualities. Not sure.
The actual prison is inside created by the self critical voice and negative emotions. I completely forgot how the tightness is actually the path and not the solutions to my problems. It's good to be reminded of it.

When I meditate, do yoga and exercises I can feel the expansion inside and self acceptance.
The problem is when I keep feeding the controlling thought forms and actions come from this place. But those seems very luring, it's easy to be lost in it, looking for some outward fix.

Maybe the actual independence is not a physical one but the ability to be according to one's own feeling and being and thats what's the mangoose signifies. This doesn't need an outside solutions but courage to keep expressing one's truth.

Interesting - the Mongoose can also defeat the snake!

It's clear a lot of the judgment routines seem to be at the mind level. So the key is not to try to resolve them with 'right thinking' - it just becomes an internal battle.

The key is what you FEEL in yoga and meditation. Work to connect into the core of this feeling more and more. And as the loops of thought come up, break the attachment to them by coming into the feeling about yourself. Then the patterns will steadily dissolve.

Of course you'll need to be committed to that for it to work.


Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Yes Open, thankyou for your suggestions. Sharing this here has also brought me back to the feeling of self acceptance. I see both these feeling as two sides of the same coin. Its only time before the other arises. There is some lack of trust that this feeling can actually solve the problem. Yesterday I had woken up with the same families negative feelings and thought forms. Sitting in it didn't do much good. But some combined yoga, exercises and dumbell press did the trick. This is one thing I greatly value in the spiritual path - the ability to transmute the negative feelings. 

Yes trust is a big one - trusting that in the openness, Right Action will arise, and often, that might be doing/saying nothing, and having the courage to be/do that.

Be mindful that the exercises don't become a distraction from the internal confrontation. It will take time, but at some point, must come resting in awareness in the mind games but continually touching the feeling at the core. I'd say do the exercises (like yoga etc) to connect with and feel the core of you. But then look for that feeling whilst 'resting' within the mind loops. Be determined to drop deeper and deeper in, no matter what the outcome. Then the routines will break whilst you're in them. Then more aligned action will have the space to come through.

You'll gain loads by finding your authentic way through this.

Much love

Open Praying Emoji


It feels like today I got something back that was long lost from me. Its the attitude of I don't care what others think of me. How and why it happened Im not sure. But it feels to me that I was kind of living in a prison of other people's perception for some time now. And I have been making and try to make choices out from this space. I know for sure that whatever we do or say, people will only see us the way they want. So why try at all. This gives the sweetest freedom imaginable. The strangest thing is its not the first time I'm seeing this but along the road something for activated, some karma. Synchronicity points to a recent event.

Yesterday in car with my mother, the very familiar thoughts where running through my head of uncertainties and inadequacy and I was inquiring into it with awareness and suddenly I saw a police car. Then it came to me that the lesson is one of boundaries and its probably being violated because I'm with her. This was a new perception of boundaries. I used to think boundaries as something external of whats being allowed with us. And I understood boundaries were being violated within my mind. Its probably because of a neediness and expectation to be liked and appreciated. I believe this freedom can only be appreciated when we are prepared to go so low, such that it doesn't matter and we can accept our own humbleness.

Another thing is I had come back to my original house for a few days visit and evenings I had been mediating in my usual spot in the hill top. It felt so good to be back there. I wonder if the place change can have such immediate effect.



I'm observing two distinct phenomenon inside of me. There is a period of time when I blend in so much within relationships and I experience the connection, joy and love within it. But I'm also kinda lost in it, I miss my authentic feeling and truth. Its very difficult to share my truth. It has got to do with the need to belong. I also pick up the thoughts and ideas of those around me. I wonder where boundaries come in this. I could say I'm less comfortable in this position as I feel a kind of restriction of my freedom and what I could do. This restriction is not just in the mind level but a feeling of being pulled down in who I'm as a being. This is a challenge but now I welcome it. I know I can assure I'm well in the path of progression when I can feel both the expansiveness and self acceptance of the soul but also the tightness and restrictions.

In the other I'm less restricted by the ideas and thoughts of others of me. I don't care how others perceive me and I'm ready to lie down in the middle of the road if that means sharing my truth. I enjoy this freedom but there is less desire to connect with others. I have people around complain to me that I'm ignoring them. There is an almost continuous feeling of relaxation and resting in my own humbleness. Unlike the other there is less feeling of inadequeacy - not being, doing or having enough. A lot less control and more surrender. Also more trust that the path I'm walking is the right one and it's building up into something in the future. More connection with the spirit side and consequently less need to be fulfilled by something external.

I'm not sure how much of this is really me or others. I sense that I maybe feeling others but it is sticking on to me because of my own inadequacy and it's an opportunity to let go of this attachments. I'm learning to take the good from both of these.


Hi Vimal - needing to belong is an issue that comes up time and again in the Openhand course work and events. But there's a conundrum for a lot of evolving people who experience it - those in their immediate environment and biological family tend not to understand. And boundaries get crossed. There comes a point in many people's journies where they realise their true connection of belonging is with soul family in the ether. But because they're not so visible or apparently accessible, then there's an acquiesence of that 'belonging' energy to the more 3D connections. In many cases it leads to confusion, frustration and not really fitting in - unless one's energy is constrained into smallness.

So maybe it would be worthwhile exploring a connection with soul family in the ether more?
Just allowing for the possibility that they are there and working to connect.
Opening the heart and mind then witnessing the reflective communications through synchronicity.

It doesn't mean that you necessarily have to break the physical family connections - just to recognise the boundaries of what does and doesn't work for you, then to honour those.

I would also suggest exploring tightness that might exist around the sacrum - potential neediness in relationships - needing them to be a certain way, or else feeling guilt or perceived obligation.

Wishing you well

Open HeartPraying Emoji


Hi Open,

The tightness in the solar plexus and the distortions you mentioned rings many bells. Thankyou for reposting that article - dredging the bottom of the barrel. It feels to me, I'm at that place from time to time. Today I watched an inspirational hindi film in the which the protagonist from the slums rising to his hearts desire by facing many challenges. But he had to dredge the bottom of his barrel. Leaving from the theatre my attention was drawn to this sign, " now let the real challenge begin". I'm meeting my own hearts desire which is breaking through the limitations that I'm facing. It's certainly not easy when I lose the trust that this indeed is the right path. One of adyashanti talks comes to mind where he says that awakening is not about you. It's not a personal thing but the whole is being awakened through you. I can sense this shift in perception more and more. While writing this something from the nearest tree falls on to my lap making a beautiful connection. I guess this is what you mention by the connection to the soul family. I feel this urge to give myself to whatever that wants to move through me - the good, the bad and the ugly. Yesterday a pipe broke near to my house sending loads of water and flooding my front yard. It suddenly seemed to me that it represents vulnerability. I'm being vulnerable with my inadequacy but also authenticity.

With love




Feeling into many things at the moment. A prominent one is fear of being a failure. When I look back I see that most of the decisions I have taken, paths, careers I have taken was tk avoid failure. No that I have stepped into a more authentic path, failure has finally caught up with me. I feel it because I have failed to reach the social standards of how a 29 year old should be doing, achieving, is expected to be etc. On top of which I feel financial inadequacy and dependency at the moment, the boundaries get easily violated. What is my authentic feeling and truth and what is being imposed on me, expected of me.

An important patters is that of maternal dependency that may have probably stemed from childhood days. I unconsciously project this onto the soon to be partner. I wonder if the relationship was just founded on this pattern. At times I feel so much confusion, doubt and the more I analyse, try to find the solutions, the more it intensifies. There is a seeking at the level of the mind because I can't fully comprehend, be at peace with the situations and usually the mind led focus doesn't lead anywhere because there is no heart in the process. So I'm back to the same feeling.

A situation has arisen such that I have to be back with my family for about a month. The feelings can only intensify in close proximity with the family members. 2 words can renatws strongly in the field is lack of confidence and assertiveness. A lack of confidence at my own power, skills and the ability to freely create without influence. A lack of confidence in sharing my truth however wierd, less than, inadequate, not good enough it seems. Assertiveness of firm boundaries and what's being demanded of me. Especially when asked uncomfortable questions of how I'm doing in my life all the while expecting some definite answers. And the the true answers I have is not enough in the situations. I see close ones covering up for me. How much am I covering up myself? I wish to be authentic, honest and confident however I'm being without needing to twist, lie or bend the truth and be comfortable in that.

Through all these what I really hold on to is the core feeling of peace and okayness. Trust that when I have seen enough of the dependency pattern then I will start to create something more true to myself. Maybe until then it's lot of grinding in the density.


Hi Vimal,

Your sharing invites a question - what would it be like just to be totally free of all this?
How about when you get up in the morning meditating on the possibility that it could be the last.
Then could you just touch the source feeling of yourself and work to come from there?
Sure, the throughts will come up and get in the way, but you clearly already know they're distortions, so why let them dominate what you do and say?

Freedom is beckoning!

Much love

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open


Hi Open,

Yes it feels like freedom is beckoning. Freedom from needing to find the solution. You ask a great question " why let the thoughts dominate you"
I guess it because I find truth in the thoughts and the mind thinks if I ponder it for enough time, then maybe a solution will materialize. Ofcourse needing the solution is because I can't fully accept the situations especially when I see, I'm harming someone else with my distortions like dependency for example. I understand they are equal partners in the game and the only thing that can really change anything at all is awareness. Finally there is nothing much to say other than to feel this moment and trust in the natural unfolding. But the mind is like the seductress which says "wait a minute let's analyse this once more, you havnt taken all the data into consideration. Maybe its one of the pitfalls of having an overly intellectual mind. There is also a natural yearning which says maybe there is something more than this.
And also maybe the core feeling is not very moving although being highly creative. It's slow and steady whereas the mind can conjur up a dozen ideas in no time. Just a thought.

Thanks for your reflections

Vimal <3


What I can reflect from my life Vimal, is that authentic choices never came from the mind. They always arose from deeper than that. The mind might struggle, yes, but I said what it's really meant to do is only to figure out how to do what you can already feel is the right choice.

I can feel in your writing that you already know what is right, from a general movement. Just that you're allowing the mind to hold you back. So the question arises, what would you really have to lose if you risked coming from that place and unwinding the mind's grasp?

Much love

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,


You ask "what would you really have to lose if you risked coming from that place and unwinding the mind's grasp?"


I would lose control. My defences would come down and I would become more vulnerable. Its already difficult holding onto this level of vulnerability. There would be now way to protect the heart from the harshness of the world. The paradox is that I'm already hurting it by trying to come with a solution, defending, strategising and maybe even hurting others in the process.


On the other hand, when I imagine, the liberation in letting go of mind games would be indescribable. No more strategies to defend, fix or control. No more premature answers. Just an open playful heart and the world. With a willingness to receive without exceptions.


Love to you too



Hi Vimal,

This line stood out from what you shared...

There would be no way to protect the heart from the harshness of the world.

I don't believe that's the heart you're talking about. To me, the heart is like a flower - it'll close down, but also keeps opening up. The vulnerability is the place of the creativity. I would look at the fear of being sovereign, more alone - at-one - in the company of others and in your own space. There's likely to be a losing consciousness in connection with others - overriding inner boundaries that then commit you into realities where there's a need (on the part of the other) for you to take on their neediness. And then an acquiescence to that. It's a neediness that believes it's coming from love, and so it's compelling. But they can't truly love unconditionally from the sense of the place of lack. It's always then a conditional love - I give you something as long as I get something in return.

I'd say it's necessary to break into these kinds of loops.

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open


Your reflections hasnt fully registered inside. Probably it needs  re - visiting and further explorations and maybe I will start to see the resonance inside. This you said strikes a chord

"there's a need (on the part of the other) for you to take on their neediness. And then an acquiescence to that."

This sounds like something I do all the time. I have always imagined myself as someone who is OK and satisfied with my own company when I'm with myself. But when I'm with others and set aside, there's a wanting to join the group.

I like to share an experience I had in the badminton court. There's a guy who is very controlling on others and thus invading other people's boundaries. When I saw this projection I said to him alone in a very gentle way that I find a lot of difficulty when I'm treated this way. Although his projections has practically stopped there's a very clear uncomfortable energy between us. And I try to avoid being his team mate. Yesterday another guy who in my opinion is very gentle, accepting and concerned about others feelings exploded with this controlling guy for his projections. This was very surprising and inviting by others. I find some pleasure in this event and feeling that, he probably deserved it. I think it's because I can't never show my true self like this. I'm already living pretty out of the box from a normal way of living. And if I show my true self that may mean being cast off and thus losing valuable connections.


Hi Vimal,

Clearly you're seeing something important, and great that you confronted him (the projectionable guy). Now can you be in the 'uncomfortable energy between you' and yet still be comfortable in yourself? What is it in you that needs things to be comfortable? Is the Universe always comfortable?

This stood out right at the end...

And if I show my true self that may mean being cast off and thus losing valuable connections.

And how valuable are these connections in comparison with your own connection?
I challenge if they are truly valuable connections if they can't accept you as you are. They will always be limiting.

Open Praying Emoji


Yes Open, it's not the heart which needs the protection. The mind is interested in only protecting itself. It fears the obliteration of ego and control. Nevertheless its hard not to listen to the mind. But the impact of the judgement is at the heart. Maybe that's why the misinterpretation.

Thought of sharing something going on in my life. For 2 days I'm having severe neck sprain and pain in right shoulder and upper back. It gets excruciating when I try to move. My interpretation is that I'm taking too much responsibility - perhaps of the path itself. Am I being too serious? Spiritual identity? It may also point to rigid thinking. I'm bedridden and nothing else to do other than read, meditate, contemplate and watch youtube. While writing this I received a picture of a girl carrying a child on her back. Seems to conform what I was thinking. Some days ago my pet dog named Jacky fell terribly ill. At one point I came to realize that I was feeling a lot of guilt as if I'm doing not enough and thus feeling a lot of responsibility. This was giving me a lot of stress and then I let go and take nature take its course. The responsibility was because of my self expectation of how I'm supposed to be, do and say. I seem to have a lot of those. I found this video by Alan Watts about letting go of control and being vulnerable to the inevitable. Seems to resonate a lot.


Hi Vimal,

Clearly you're touching some deep karma.

It's good that you've activated it - just keep softening in and using the opportunity to go deep into the feelings.

There with you Heart

Open Praying Emoji

Dear Open and everyone (allowing my witchy sisters) ,

I feel compelled to share this with you . I felt into something deep today . I was interviewed by a journalist today about ' saving' the life of one of the smallest babies in Delhi ( I don't save anyone- I just get the hell out of the way ). And I found myself trying to distract myself . Deep ache came up in my throat ,my heart and my gut. I ' saw' myself being hanged for doing magic . I suspect I was accompanied by others . I also felt this was after I was made famous or exposed . I was separated from my family - I went into a panic about my husband and daughter leaving after speaking on the telephone. It's really strange how something is one thing and yet triggers these feelings . I am connecting other parts of my life - about how I would either not come in front of a crowd or sabotage myself when I did . About the deep Fear that has led me to not show myself. I see how this theme seems to be coming up much more frequently and trauma from so many lives seems to be coming up. I suspect it is the same for many out there . 

Deep love and support to all . I sense a LOT of karma coming up right now .


Hi Vimal,

I always find it useful to contemplate the Universe in its entirety, what it appears to be doing, then to embrace the naturalness of my part in it. So the Universe is endlessly creating, constantly, it doesn't stop. But essentially, it's not trying to create. It just is.

And the soul is plugged into the Universal source. So when allowed to run free without the restraint of the ego, it too will create endlessly. The problem is the ego attaches to certain conditions. So it will feel the free flow, own it, then resist creation as some kind of effort. Bearing in mind that the light of the Universe is working its way through the darkness - so it does have to push against it, just like the soul does.

Yes, there may also be a distortion that the ego can't accept dependency - the soul is dependent on the flow too. I can't help thinking though that the internal consciousness that reflects out into the form of your mum does continue to limit you (although entirely not her fault of course).

How did you find things when you were out on your own?

Best wishes

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open, 


You are right. The ego resists dependency. And resistance doesn't help to create anything at all. Whether something limits me or not is just my choice. It maybe due to the internalising of some judgements. Let creation happen in its own pace.

Vimal Praying Emoji


I find myself being very lathargic, uninspired and unmotivated these days. It's like nothing can really move me. I like the feeling of excitement, passion, enthusiasm about something but they are rare and disappears once I settle down out of endeavour. I have also observed that sometimes when i fully accept and surrender the feeling of listnessness then Im draw to a particular direction which ignites the feeling again. Im seeing far too signs in the combination of 1s and 2s like 11:22, 12:12 etc. I believe it's speaking about the balance of commitment and surrender.
There is a strong feeling of not being good enough and thus comparing myself to other reflection and the tightness is in the heart area. I believe that's why I can't fully accept the times of surrender and there is attatchment to achievement etc. I guess I don't really know if the moment is inviting me to just surrender or get up and do something. I think I have dealt with the same distortion for many years now it's time to see something else maybe a different dynamic. I believe the feeling of passion cannot arise out of nothingness and it requires us to step into some particular direction to activate that. I wonder if I just surrender that would be more of giving up than actual surrender.
I invite any reflections.


In reply to by Vimal V

Hi Vimal,

It sounds like you have received some helpful feedback and had some more self reflection about what’s happening for you.

When I was reading your message, something struck me ... maybe just reminds me of a place I have been in before. But it’s sort of like what happens when trees and material have created a dam in a river. When you are on the side of the river that is flowing into the dam, you feel pressure and some movement forward but it can’t go anywhere because of the dam. If you hang out within or on top of the dam, there’s less pressure, it can be very comfortable though the stuck feeling may still be there and you really aren’t then experiencing the full dynamics of life experience. If you imagine your life as this river, what might be the dam? How does that dam maybe provide both a level of comfort AND an obstruction for you? This just popped up so maybe it won’t resonate. In my experience I had to thin out the comfortable dam to connect deeper to the river of life and a sense of rightness and movement.

with love, jen

Hi Vimal,

As a reflection, i can recognize a similar dynamic as you describe it in me. Where there is definitely a Pull to create but it seems constantly stifled by immediate circumstances. And the mind circles endlessly - should I do this, or maybe this, or maybe not this... and then judging the indecision itself at every turn. And then judging the stagnation.

I’ve found, grudgingly, that it’s those immediate circumstances themselves that are the catalyst for what I am being pulled to create, or rather, how I am being invited to BE. The friction being built up through the discomfort is actually there for my own self-realization, if I have the courage to accept that by really going into  it. A lot of the time I don’t, so takes lots of circumstantial buildup/friction before I get to that point.

...what finally happens is at some point I’ll finally get so tired and frustrated with it all, especially all the mind circling, that I’ll just say F it and invoke it directly. And ask the universe to SHOW ME exactly what it is I’m avoiding, what I’m afraid of, so that I can reintegrate what I’m being Pulled towards and contribute the highest expression of my soul in this challenging dense ass place. 

Then I buckle up, because I know it’s gonna be a heck of a ride! Interestingly, the hardest part for me is actually asking “SHOW ME what I’m avoiding.” But there’s always an odd sense of relief after the invocation though, because come what may, I’ve already expressed trust in the Universe simply through the action of asking!

Much brother love your way,


Hi Eric,

Thanks for taking the time to reflect back to me. I recognize the dynamic you are speaking about. When I follow a pull in some particular direction then it's bound to bump into some blockage and distortion like frustration, confusion, not being good enough etc. What I feel on the other hand is that there is no pull at all and a lot of time there is a waiting around for something to activate. It's mostly in the afternoon and all when I'm all by myself at home. When I engage in activity in the evening either gardening, workplace with kids or badminton I either feel highly positive and motivated or exaution due to some self judgement. In which case I have some idea atleast where my attention is drawn to.


Recently I noticed that because I'm intermittent fasting with just lunch and dinner and I directly consume heavy food for lunch, then that makes me sleepy. So switched to a more raw and light diet which worked like a charm. So I guess I'm noticing more how the feeling of lethargy, resistance and non acceptance kicks in during the day. When I do get up and do something I notice how it lacks energy and it feels very stifled. I compare myself and I feel how I'm being totally unproductive and wasting away my time. I guess there is self judgment at play here in how I'm not doing enough etc. Another fear is that I get attached to both end of the spectrum - I either surrender and be a passive observer or be passionate and attach to the positive state. Its either one or the other and it feels like a mountaneous task to balance them both.

I noticed today how being with kids today evening has instantly recharged me and there is a judgment that somehow this feeling is right and the other is wrong. Thanks for the reminder to ask show me for often. I feel more committed to observe the impact the different states has on the inside. 


Much love to you brother 


Wow Jen I love the dam and the river metaphor. Profound on many levels. The first time reading it, right on the words "this just popped up," something in my peripheral vision caught my attention, and a groundhog literally "popped up" in my awareness. He was standing upright at attention, looking right at me, apparently having just crossed a gravel road. As soon as he saw me looking at him, he plopped down on all fours and walked up an embankment, heading into the woods, although most definitely at his own pace - almost as if he was making a point of it! Like he was just a twinge annoyed with my intrusion into his world, but he was already going that same direction anyways, so not too big a deal. Yet still letting me know in no uncertain terms that he's captain of his own groundhog ship!

Interestingly, groundhog symbolism seems to be about delving deeper internally, paying attention to your metabolism, and not just setting but sticking to firm boundaries with others.


In reply to by Eric.

Hi Eric! Wow groundhog is an interesting reflection isn't it!! I have some funny associations with that! You know "Groundhog Day" - when circumstances keep seeming to repeat over and over! And then of course the old tale ...when the ground hog comes out and sees it shadow it pops back into the hole again for a while longer. I love the way you spoke for the groundhog's thought process (one of my best talents as well! lol!) Great reflections for me - thank you for sharing!!!

With love,