My experiences

For the last couple of weeks i have been going through lot of emotional and mental pain with frustration anger and dissatisfaction. I was with the belief it has got something to do with my life situations and hence wanting to move on from my current place and work. Now i get that my situations only acts as a trigger to some pain seated much deeper.
Last night when i went deeper into the pain i had the experience which is think is karmic related. I have had this experience maybe even from childhood but this time it was much more intense. I did not experience any physical pain as such but it was very much like being tortured or killed. Please pardon me if im drawing any false conclusion. I had the fear of going deeper with it and couldnt think clear because of the mental fog or chaos i was in. I havent got any idea really how to deal with this pain or experience. This morning i was left with the same old uncomfortable feeling. How long would i have to go through this until i can find an opening.

Vimal

Comments

Wow Jen I love the dam and the river metaphor. Profound on many levels. The first time reading it, right on the words "this just popped up," something in my peripheral vision caught my attention, and a groundhog literally "popped up" in my awareness. He was standing upright at attention, looking right at me, apparently having just crossed a gravel road. As soon as he saw me looking at him, he plopped down on all fours and walked up an embankment, heading into the woods, although most definitely at his own pace - almost as if he was making a point of it! Like he was just a twinge annoyed with my intrusion into his world, but he was already going that same direction anyways, so not too big a deal. Yet still letting me know in no uncertain terms that he's captain of his own groundhog ship!

Interestingly, groundhog symbolism seems to be about delving deeper internally, paying attention to your metabolism, and not just setting but sticking to firm boundaries with others.

https://www.spirit-animals.com/groundhog-symbolism

 

Great exchanges going on here and great advice - I love the dam metaphor Jen. Helps elaborate the possible dynamics going on. Thumbs Up Sign

Some of these issues we encounter can of course be deeply embedded, and difficult to move past. It's like a part of the psyche can see what removing the dam would look like and doesn't want to go there. So as soon as the idea pops up, then other safe and secure reasons come in for not wanting to go there.

I find profound self honesty is always the key here. If you can see the blockage that contains the fear and inertia, then be clear about what's going on and why. Then when you're sure you're ready to break it down, be clear you don't have to collapse the dam in one huge crunch. What you can do is continually innovate how you're being so that you winkle out the cracks. If you're persistant, sure enough the cracks will open up and the flow resume.

I felt to repost this article in response today...

 

How to Innovate to Succeed on the Spiritual Path...in 4 steps

 

Hi Jen, Eric and Open,

 

The dam metaphor resonates Jen - it sheds light on both the comfort and stagnation that feels there. This stands out Open - "It's like a part of the psyche can see what removing the dam would look like and doesn't want to go there. So as soon as the idea pops up, then other safe and secure reasons come in for not wanting to go there."

 

The mind would be the dam here which provides both comfort and frustration because of the stagnation. It's a deep childhood conditioning that when we have done enough what we were supposed to do like completing a homework or scoring good marks, then that gives the permission, justification to get the reward as some form of comfort like watching TV etc. I see a similar pattern in myself like if I have done something that generates the positive feeling of productivity and achievement then that's enough reason to just be passive. But interestingly it's not the reward that really nourishes but the activity itself. Part of the mind doesn't want to accept this in the fear of loosing something maybe something I had been denied.

Interestingly universe is showing me the right hand side of the equation - where everything is flowing and hitting blockages too. And there is enough momentum and less judgment. I have seen that sometimes what it requires is just the first step to create the necessary momentum for the flow, sometimes even simple steps I have been avoiding.

In the period of stagnation there is a lot of questioning at the level of the mind which further postpones any right action like what should I be doing? Do I go into the feeling and unravel it from there ? By surrendering am I being passive? Do I engage in an activity and will that be avoiding the feeling etc. 

Vimal 

 

This popped up iny awareness today which I know is intimately connected to the above exchange. I got some memories of being rehwcted from family, rejected by friends because supposedly I was not good enough. The mind can hijack this pain and create a whole strategy to prove one's worth by trying hard. I see the same pattern in some of the things that I'm doing nowadays. Today I realized that instead of avoiding the pain, much better way is to go into the pain and see what it does inside. I have been actually avoiding and rejecting a part of me and thats what I need to accept. Its a relief when the mind is relieved of its duties which it thinks it must fullfill.

 

In reply to by Eric.

Hi Eric! Wow groundhog is an interesting reflection isn't it!! I have some funny associations with that! You know "Groundhog Day" - when circumstances keep seeming to repeat over and over! And then of course the old tale ...when the ground hog comes out and sees it shadow it pops back into the hole again for a while longer. I love the way you spoke for the groundhog's thought process (one of my best talents as well! lol!) Great reflections for me - thank you for sharing!!!

With love,

Jen

Inspired from the recent openhanders sharings, I decided to speak without filters. Besides I can't seem to sleep, my mind seems to be at its peak performance! Lol. A part of me wants to manage it, but when i check the intution the answer is to let it be and not to try to meditate it out. In any case it will lead to more frustration.

I indeed see, this pattern of mine, a filter which I readily apply without being conscious, so as to feel and appear more lucid, sane, acceptable, social, to avoid conflict, to get response and thus maintain the connection. Yesterday I couldn't hold my frustrations, my truth anymore and I expressed with all its distortions, anger, blame with my partner. I have always wondered, when I see some of the other openhanders here who express anger etc, why they can't discern what they say like me. It's probably me who is applying the filter. I get that I wouldn't learn about discernment without first expressing the distortions first. After the incidents I come to realize many areas of my life where I would be hiding back my truth to avoid conflict. It feels good to let and rip out the masculine distorted it may have been.

A big judgment I see in myself is that of the need to be perfect. I know very clearly by now that it's only my attempt to protect myself and get accepted. But the distortions remain. I'm inspired by those, who doest work hard and waste their energy being perfect but be courageous and bold enough to be all that they can without splitting them into various parts. Imagine all the hard work and trying that would put to ease. Yesterday I had a bit of musical performance with some lovely children in school. It was wonderful day of connection. Yet I see, how my need to be perfect is actually causing disharmony and making others afraid to show their true colourful expression. The actual fear maybe layers beneath this self judgment. Maybe this is my distortion, a big one and I need to work hard for many years before be courageous enough to show my true colours. I wonder if there is any way to stop polishing myself so much and be authentically true. Regarding the musical expression, I have this memory of singing before my class mates and music teacher when I was young and getting teased and put down by the teacher for my 'incorrect' expression. And suddenly the joy I had while expressing with my best friend turned to a nightmare of blame. 

Hi Vimal - great to share in transparency and honesty.

I think plenty of people will have picked up spiritual programming that they should be like 'this' or 'that' - not to be angry with people for example. The problem with this is that unless we express what we feel, you bottle up the frustration and don't get into the root of it.

That's why in the Breakthrough Approach we encourage full expression of what people are feeling. Not to project at others if possible, but at least find an outlet to express it. Then you 'blow up' the distortion into the landscape around you. This is positive because it means you can more readily witness and illuminate the problem - you can get down to the attachment, how you might have needed the situation to be a certain way. It makes it much more easy to release.

Namaste

Open Praying Emoji

This came to my YouTube feed which is very relevant for me now. I can see myself getting hooked to the powerful feeling of getting attention in social media whenever I posts a creative expression and that actually stresses me out and retards the creative flow. Synchronistic that I hurt my hand bad during a trekk as my focus was more directed towards making a video and posting it on social media later. Yet I don't think the feeling of getting attention and being connected is actually wrong and maybe getting lost in it is the problem. And perhaps I can find a balance without ditching the feelings. I relate to how the feeling of getting attention is never enough and I'm always left wanting more. And yet true satisfaction really comes from the act of paying attention and being in the flow with excitement and enthusiasm in the creative process. I understand how social media such as Facebook is designed to get us addicted to the attention seeking syndrome and I wonder if its just to good to leave it altogether or just to stay within it and yet shine our light. Another obvious  thing that comes with seeking attention is self expectation of wanting to perform according to a set standard or what other people demands thus naturally feeling very inadequate of not being able to meet those standards. This undermines my unique expression. I have once expremented by unleashing my creative expressions through other channels where I'm less exposed but I have come back to this yet again. Maybe I dint feel enough motivation then. Maybe its what I have to experience and work through step by step and questioning my motivations. 

I believe it comes back to how comfortable we are in our skin, comfortable with nothingness, not needing it be filled with something else. Its very easy to be disconnected and feel peaceful without engaging with the world. It's entirely another thing to actively engage with what's being presented to us, yet being connected to the source within. Not letting the outside world to easily pull out of the core feeling within. 

Hurting my hand has left me stuck at my family home and here it's much easier to go with the old habits mostly with what I eat, when I wake up, what I do at daytime etc. It requires a whole lot more commitment to get up, meditate and actively inquire what I'm working through.

I welcome any reflection or similar experiences

 

https://youtu.be/3VTsIju1dLI

Hi Vimal - yes interesting sharing, I can resonate with the inquiry since of course I also put out a lot of content on youtube and facebook.

For me, the pleasure and fulfillment all comes in the creation itself - gaining joy from that, even if just one person was to see and appreciate it. So I create, then put the material out, but at that point, crucially, completely let it go. Afterwhich, I accept it will have it's own journey and do its own thing.

So my reflection would be to look for that one avenue of feedback for your creative expression. Which could actually come from just about anywhere - even and especially through pure synchronistic feeback loop - the call of a bird for example!

As I'm sure you appreciate, social media attention is a light and fickle beast. Not something to base one's sense of value and accomplishment on. It could all vapourise in a flash!

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

 

It's interesting you say that Open. Just now, I had an invitation from someone who has apparently seen the video I have made and posted, to join for an interesting ride.. So that would be the one feedback. Doesn't really matters if it happens or not but I'm glad the expression had some impact in my field. I didn't hurt my hand for nothing lol. As far as social media is concerned, I feel a bit shame to admit that I still derive my value from others feedback from fb etc. I believe it has got to do more with the sense of belonging and deriving that from others thus making myself small in the process. But when I see the deeper synchronistic interplay I can settle more into self acceptance and these things doesn't really matter much. Very interesting dynamic between the two.