My experiences

For the last couple of weeks i have been going through lot of emotional and mental pain with frustration anger and dissatisfaction. I was with the belief it has got something to do with my life situations and hence wanting to move on from my current place and work. Now i get that my situations only acts as a trigger to some pain seated much deeper.
Last night when i went deeper into the pain i had the experience which is think is karmic related. I have had this experience maybe even from childhood but this time it was much more intense. I did not experience any physical pain as such but it was very much like being tortured or killed. Please pardon me if im drawing any false conclusion. I had the fear of going deeper with it and couldnt think clear because of the mental fog or chaos i was in. I havent got any idea really how to deal with this pain or experience. This morning i was left with the same old uncomfortable feeling. How long would i have to go through this until i can find an opening.

Vimal

Comments

Great exchanges going on here and great advice - I love the dam metaphor Jen. Helps elaborate the possible dynamics going on. Thumbs Up Sign

Some of these issues we encounter can of course be deeply embedded, and difficult to move past. It's like a part of the psyche can see what removing the dam would look like and doesn't want to go there. So as soon as the idea pops up, then other safe and secure reasons come in for not wanting to go there.

I find profound self honesty is always the key here. If you can see the blockage that contains the fear and inertia, then be clear about what's going on and why. Then when you're sure you're ready to break it down, be clear you don't have to collapse the dam in one huge crunch. What you can do is continually innovate how you're being so that you winkle out the cracks. If you're persistant, sure enough the cracks will open up and the flow resume.

I felt to repost this article in response today...

 

How to Innovate to Succeed on the Spiritual Path...in 4 steps

 

Hi Jen, Eric and Open,

 

The dam metaphor resonates Jen - it sheds light on both the comfort and stagnation that feels there. This stands out Open - "It's like a part of the psyche can see what removing the dam would look like and doesn't want to go there. So as soon as the idea pops up, then other safe and secure reasons come in for not wanting to go there."

 

The mind would be the dam here which provides both comfort and frustration because of the stagnation. It's a deep childhood conditioning that when we have done enough what we were supposed to do like completing a homework or scoring good marks, then that gives the permission, justification to get the reward as some form of comfort like watching TV etc. I see a similar pattern in myself like if I have done something that generates the positive feeling of productivity and achievement then that's enough reason to just be passive. But interestingly it's not the reward that really nourishes but the activity itself. Part of the mind doesn't want to accept this in the fear of loosing something maybe something I had been denied.

Interestingly universe is showing me the right hand side of the equation - where everything is flowing and hitting blockages too. And there is enough momentum and less judgment. I have seen that sometimes what it requires is just the first step to create the necessary momentum for the flow, sometimes even simple steps I have been avoiding.

In the period of stagnation there is a lot of questioning at the level of the mind which further postpones any right action like what should I be doing? Do I go into the feeling and unravel it from there ? By surrendering am I being passive? Do I engage in an activity and will that be avoiding the feeling etc. 

Vimal 

 

This popped up iny awareness today which I know is intimately connected to the above exchange. I got some memories of being rehwcted from family, rejected by friends because supposedly I was not good enough. The mind can hijack this pain and create a whole strategy to prove one's worth by trying hard. I see the same pattern in some of the things that I'm doing nowadays. Today I realized that instead of avoiding the pain, much better way is to go into the pain and see what it does inside. I have been actually avoiding and rejecting a part of me and thats what I need to accept. Its a relief when the mind is relieved of its duties which it thinks it must fullfill.

 

Inspired from the recent openhanders sharings, I decided to speak without filters. Besides I can't seem to sleep, my mind seems to be at its peak performance! Lol. A part of me wants to manage it, but when i check the intution the answer is to let it be and not to try to meditate it out. In any case it will lead to more frustration.

I indeed see, this pattern of mine, a filter which I readily apply without being conscious, so as to feel and appear more lucid, sane, acceptable, social, to avoid conflict, to get response and thus maintain the connection. Yesterday I couldn't hold my frustrations, my truth anymore and I expressed with all its distortions, anger, blame with my partner. I have always wondered, when I see some of the other openhanders here who express anger etc, why they can't discern what they say like me. It's probably me who is applying the filter. I get that I wouldn't learn about discernment without first expressing the distortions first. After the incidents I come to realize many areas of my life where I would be hiding back my truth to avoid conflict. It feels good to let and rip out the masculine distorted it may have been.

A big judgment I see in myself is that of the need to be perfect. I know very clearly by now that it's only my attempt to protect myself and get accepted. But the distortions remain. I'm inspired by those, who doest work hard and waste their energy being perfect but be courageous and bold enough to be all that they can without splitting them into various parts. Imagine all the hard work and trying that would put to ease. Yesterday I had a bit of musical performance with some lovely children in school. It was wonderful day of connection. Yet I see, how my need to be perfect is actually causing disharmony and making others afraid to show their true colourful expression. The actual fear maybe layers beneath this self judgment. Maybe this is my distortion, a big one and I need to work hard for many years before be courageous enough to show my true colours. I wonder if there is any way to stop polishing myself so much and be authentically true. Regarding the musical expression, I have this memory of singing before my class mates and music teacher when I was young and getting teased and put down by the teacher for my 'incorrect' expression. And suddenly the joy I had while expressing with my best friend turned to a nightmare of blame. 

Hi Vimal - great to share in transparency and honesty.

I think plenty of people will have picked up spiritual programming that they should be like 'this' or 'that' - not to be angry with people for example. The problem with this is that unless we express what we feel, you bottle up the frustration and don't get into the root of it.

That's why in the Breakthrough Approach we encourage full expression of what people are feeling. Not to project at others if possible, but at least find an outlet to express it. Then you 'blow up' the distortion into the landscape around you. This is positive because it means you can more readily witness and illuminate the problem - you can get down to the attachment, how you might have needed the situation to be a certain way. It makes it much more easy to release.

Namaste

Open Praying Emoji

This came to my YouTube feed which is very relevant for me now. I can see myself getting hooked to the powerful feeling of getting attention in social media whenever I posts a creative expression and that actually stresses me out and retards the creative flow. Synchronistic that I hurt my hand bad during a trekk as my focus was more directed towards making a video and posting it on social media later. Yet I don't think the feeling of getting attention and being connected is actually wrong and maybe getting lost in it is the problem. And perhaps I can find a balance without ditching the feelings. I relate to how the feeling of getting attention is never enough and I'm always left wanting more. And yet true satisfaction really comes from the act of paying attention and being in the flow with excitement and enthusiasm in the creative process. I understand how social media such as Facebook is designed to get us addicted to the attention seeking syndrome and I wonder if its just to good to leave it altogether or just to stay within it and yet shine our light. Another obvious  thing that comes with seeking attention is self expectation of wanting to perform according to a set standard or what other people demands thus naturally feeling very inadequate of not being able to meet those standards. This undermines my unique expression. I have once expremented by unleashing my creative expressions through other channels where I'm less exposed but I have come back to this yet again. Maybe I dint feel enough motivation then. Maybe its what I have to experience and work through step by step and questioning my motivations. 

I believe it comes back to how comfortable we are in our skin, comfortable with nothingness, not needing it be filled with something else. Its very easy to be disconnected and feel peaceful without engaging with the world. It's entirely another thing to actively engage with what's being presented to us, yet being connected to the source within. Not letting the outside world to easily pull out of the core feeling within. 

Hurting my hand has left me stuck at my family home and here it's much easier to go with the old habits mostly with what I eat, when I wake up, what I do at daytime etc. It requires a whole lot more commitment to get up, meditate and actively inquire what I'm working through.

I welcome any reflection or similar experiences

 

https://youtu.be/3VTsIju1dLI

Hi Vimal - yes interesting sharing, I can resonate with the inquiry since of course I also put out a lot of content on youtube and facebook.

For me, the pleasure and fulfillment all comes in the creation itself - gaining joy from that, even if just one person was to see and appreciate it. So I create, then put the material out, but at that point, crucially, completely let it go. Afterwhich, I accept it will have it's own journey and do its own thing.

So my reflection would be to look for that one avenue of feedback for your creative expression. Which could actually come from just about anywhere - even and especially through pure synchronistic feeback loop - the call of a bird for example!

As I'm sure you appreciate, social media attention is a light and fickle beast. Not something to base one's sense of value and accomplishment on. It could all vapourise in a flash!

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

 

It's interesting you say that Open. Just now, I had an invitation from someone who has apparently seen the video I have made and posted, to join for an interesting ride.. So that would be the one feedback. Doesn't really matters if it happens or not but I'm glad the expression had some impact in my field. I didn't hurt my hand for nothing lol. As far as social media is concerned, I feel a bit shame to admit that I still derive my value from others feedback from fb etc. I believe it has got to do more with the sense of belonging and deriving that from others thus making myself small in the process. But when I see the deeper synchronistic interplay I can settle more into self acceptance and these things doesn't really matter much. Very interesting dynamic between the two.

 

 

To break some of the controlling pattern in the mind, I decided to start with a day of fasting and meditating since I believe it can only be done by giving attention to the feeling of lightness inside more and inquiring in to the truth. The problem is not the thought patterns but the identification with those. There's quite some patterns that emerge by merely looking into it.

The first is a lack of trust in the self ability, the feeling of lightness and divine and that to guide the way forwards. And hence the need to make it ony own and a feeling of being abondened. This lack of trust is interestingly being relfected in my job where the authority shows signs of not trusting me completely with the given task. And this is making me more controlling and lost in the 3D rules. Finally I had to confront it yesterday which was kind of possible when I was to a degree willing to let go it all.

The spiritual ego likes to think that it has made it to a considerable distance in the path and would like to hold onto it. And any challenge to it is a bit painful hence opening up here is making me vulnerable.

But there is also a much welcomed feeling of excitement of possible change that comes from breaking these deep patterns in the psyche.
An interesting synchronicity is that the front tyre of my bike has been due for replacement for quite some time and I was kind of postponing it. This would reflect some changes in the psyche as well.
There is sort of wanting to give up on me when I look to the road ahead. And this is much more amplified when I look to the journey as a personal one - something I need to do completly do on my own. A feeling of disappointment that no matter how much breakthroughs I had, here I'm still struggling to find meaning and value on life.

Another deeply embedded pattern is the feeling that, no matter what I do or how much I journey, I will never be good enough. I suspect this is something very karmic. I understand I don't have to be like someone else and the truth is to be a better version of myself through each experience. The former is disempowering and often the reaction is to give up. Why bother If it doesn't make any difference. The later is empowering and I believe understanding this difference is significant. 

There's also something like being afraid of one's own light and what that means to the perceived reality. As soon as feel the light, there is this fear - what would it mean to be in this all the time? It would likely take many comforting things of the ego for sure. 

I would be further inquiring and sharing in this place in the days ahead.

 

I spend whole day yesterday fasting, most of the time meditating. When I sat down to meditate, I saw my neighbour up on a ladder cleaning the top part of his house. A good sign! I had not fasted for a while now and it was really uncomfortable. I noticed implants all over my head and some controlling thought patterns. I keep subscribing to them often judging, defending or justifying. That's what actually giving them energy and keeping them in place. I can notice a state of contentment just playing along with the thoughts not really needing them to change. A few hours into the meditation I felt light, quite different from the natural contentment.

 

There's a friend who lives next to my house. For quite some time I have been watching some violation of boundaries between us since I believe her energy is more on the catalytic side. Her name is exactly the same as my girlfriend but her temperament is the very opposite of her. This can't be just a coincidence! I had quite a resistant to say my truth to her many times but yesterday what I had noticed was that a veil had fallen off between us marked on the outside as a sheet of bike cover that stood as a covering between our houses had broken down in the rain. Interesting! Maybe I didn't even have to say anything, the feeling of energy was enough to set things straight.

Today morning I woke up with many thoughts running through my head and yet again a resistant to do something about it and just play along. I did some Chakra attunement meditation. Later when I went outside to do yoga, I noticed I was quite content to just be here, watch the beautiful nature outside. Something else popped in my awareness which I think is quite illuminating.

 

The place I stay is the same house I had grown up as a child and it had a feeling of home with my loved ones and friends always near. At a certain age I was torn apart from here and had quite a degree of resistance because of my attachment. This place still had that feeling of home even though those loved ones are not really here. As a child I hadn't gotten along in any other place like this one. Nowadays I notice that there is a feeling of coming home when I return here from somewhere else.

 

A month ago I got a job offer that required me to move to hyderabad or somewhere else far. It was not very appealing, though it would have been very challenging. I coudnt simply let go of the many things I enjoyed doing here.

 

I know I simply can't keep subscribing to the psyche and there's a way to break away from it and go with the heart.

PS: I spend quite some time yesterday trying to learn stop this this train by John mayer which is a very challenging song. Perhaps thats a great sychronicity, you know, learning to stop the train of thoughts! Challenging indeed. 

 

I find nowadays engaging in many different things, all of them involving people mostly plugged into the matrix. Since my energy is more on the empathic side I tend to get swept away by other people's world view. They all have a particular resonance and its easy to identify with them. Hence I find the price I have to pay is loss of my own unique vibration. One may think, this would result in more acceptance and recognition but I have seen the reverse is more true. Its when I settle into my place of freedom that's when people relate with me more authentically. The antedote I have found out is to meditate many hours through out the day and get connected to my core feeling of freedom and acceptance.

I can still feel a lot of implants that gets overwhelming at times. The reason I have to succumb to others reality is because I expect something in return or expect myself to be a certain way. I find it easy to ask myself this question - Am I ready to let this endavour go? and trust that something else will replace its place.

It's very interesting to watch the interference of implants and entities directly relate with the interference on the outside. A day ago I had this experience, that when I was meditating and feeling into an implant, I was being demanded on the external by someone and when I expressed the warrior energy, implants also dissolved without me doing any meditative magic! So I have been wondering what's the difference between a forced boundary and a boundary expressed from beingness. And how letting things in before rejecting them can be beneficial to see where our neediness and distortions are.

Some of the core distortion is related to poverty conciousness and inadequacy not particularly related to money or resources but more on neediness of certainty and security. I often feel regret of not being able to engage in a particular soulful endavour much earlier like studying music for example. And if I could have, then that would have led to something worthwhile and now it's too late. This is because I need that particular thing to support me somehow in the future. And this can sometimes lead to efforting.

I had a few unique experiences where I completely non identified with the voices in the head in the middle of struggling, seeing it as distortions and merely an experience and then settling into the background of the experiences. Tightness can easily dissolve at this point.

PS: Openhand forums seem to exploded with some live basketball streaming posts! Lol. I wonder what it means? Interference perhaps? 

 

Hi Vimal, yes I do understand the challenges of being empathic - the strong risk of getting sucked into other people's realities. It's a challenge for sure, but that doesn't mean you have to stay stuck.

This jumped out...

I can still feel a lot of implants that gets overwhelming at times. The reason I have to succumb to others reality is because I expect something in return or expect myself to be a certain way. I find it easy to ask myself this question - Am I ready to let this endavour go? and trust that something else will replace its place.

The trust you're looking for isn't waiting around until magically something shows up. You have to take a positive step, and then the universe will come to meet you.

Meditation is powerful yes, great that you engage deeply in that. However you then have to apply this energy and come forth from there in life.

Even if it doesn't seem possible to change your general situation right now, you can change all the little things that don't serve - perhaps too much time with people who pull you into behaviourisms that don't serve? Setting more effective boundaries; to keep exploring your core interests and passion - don't give up on these because they become the fuel of the soul.

Wishing you well

Open HeartPraying Emoji

Thanks for your reflections Open. You finds one or the other reason to push me. That's ok. Maybe that's what my soul has asked for by showing up here.

When I said I aks the question " Am I ready to let this endeavour go" - that gives me a courage to be myself more in it. Yes boundaries is a big one for me. I have shared here before that I teach kids parttime in a preschool. Often I find it very hard to be completely myself there. I can feel the control of authority on my shoulder which makes me control the kids, and control myself who h leads to efforting, violation of boundaries which draws in negative energy. Everytime I think, I would not limited and made small by this, yet play by the rules. Maybe being in a school situation is bringing up fear of speaking up, fear of breaking the rules. I feel its right to continue in this as I have felt really light and elevated by such gatherings many days. I'm being paid to do a job there and that involves listening to the authority to a degree. I also wonder if its possible to be completely ourselves inside the matrix. One reason is I don't believe in a such an institution fully. I have seen other more authentic one - Finland for example has more fear free environment of educational system where they are not given homeworks and all. You could ask me the question - if you don't believe in it why are you there? Because I have let go of such an endeavour previously but was brought right back to it although I would say, this one is a much less matrixy place. It's also very comfortable as it's right where I live and only few hours a week. 

Hi Vimal - I trust you realise that Openhand is all about helping get the best from people, in terms of the emergence and attunement of their soul. And yes, it only ever comes from a soulful connection - the dance of souls.

I do believe it is possible to find yourself within the matrix - at its core, how ever distorted, it is a distortion of light and I witness that light will still flow through it. But then it does take a good deal of diligence to ensure we're not drifting along.

It's great that you witness the challenges and how it distorts. Then there's always the possibility to grow through continual innovation and aligned being.

Everything that is offered here comes from the sincerest place of support and encouragement.

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

 

I don't have a doubt about Openhand's work. I guess part of the frustrations is aimed at myself - for not being able to express uniquely as I wish I could. The pendulum still swings between commitment as effort and surrender as passivity. The big distortions is not feeling enough and thus getting pulled in other directions that is not uniquely me. But the subsequent effort and lack of peace centres me back again.

Expressing the energy indeed opens up things in the field. After I expressed here I got a request from the head lady of my work for some support and help for her personal issues which I'm happy to offer. I got more courage to be exactly me and take some risks, innovate inside it which leads to another doubt - am I being manipulative by exercising my freedom thus causing trouble for others. Especially when I'm being demanding. This one is really inbuilt from childhood as I was conditioned to not be demanding and rewarded of I was not. Like you says often, this is where I have to look at the bigger picture, often what I perceive as trouble is light breaking through inside the matrix.

Yesterday I went for a concert but missed the opening part and rain interfered with rest. Being with the musicians there, I was wondering why was I drawn to here. A positive encouraging comment popped up in one of my videos I have shared some while back. It's the like the universe has come down and commented to show me which direction is more aligned. I don't have to make it like the other reflections I'm drawn to but express mine however I perceive it to be and watch for the feedback even it means it's just one person!

I can also see how the spiritual identity often shuts down the warrior energy by judging the distortions like anger as somehow bad. Sometimes it takes assertiveness to move thing in the field.

Open, you shared the video of the one and confronting the pain by going right into it. I find it very inspiring though I have seen it many times before. The perspective shared makes all the difference and I would like to live like that all the time never shying away from the truth of the moment. At this point in my journey I believe turning away from pain only makes it worse. 

Hi Vimal,

The really wonderful aspect to all of this is that you're inquiring and witnessing yourself - you're seeing truth and distortion. That gives you a huge advantage over the majority not even doing this. It bodes well Thumbs Up Sign

When I read people's sharings, I watch for the bits that spike energetically in the field. Always when someone expresses, if they are also being the witnesser to some degree, then the soul will also speak through their words and illuminate the way forwards.

You said this...

The pendulum still swings between commitment as effort and surrender as passivity

Yes, each soul ray expression has the shadow side. Expect things to bounce from one to the other. Allow me to share a piece of advice I also shared with Hannah yesterday...

I see it this way: before us lie plenty of loose threads to unravel. Pick up the first that the synchronicity points you to. Work along the thread until you hit a knot. If the knot won't budge, don't effort it. Simply put that one down and pick the next up. Do the same. I find it unravels more quickly this way.

Usually these distortions repeat in patterns. So rather than jump around from one thread to the next, pick one up and work diligently with it till you can't go any further at that moment. Then put it down and pick up the next. I've witnessed it's a good way to make progress where lots of things are appearing at once.

A big cosmic hug coming your way.

Open HeartPraying Emoji

I'm humbled by your unwavering presence and encouragement Open, never giving up on us. ❤️

I can sense the presence of a guiding force more in my life now - showing up at the right time, making sure I don't walk down a blind alley. I feel like a child of the universe. Inqonder if I had closed it down by stating and claiming it. 

 

I like process you mention. I guess that can be applied to other parts of life - never forcing things, efforting and closing it down but persisting to pick up the next thread, an another way and thus moving forward effectively. 

 

Im travelling today. First I went to a forest waterfall but I was not permitted to enter. Apparently you need atleast 10 people and ticket fare to enter. I find this an injustice, how they can claim to take control of a place that belongs to everyone. I could have just went on without waiting for permission but was afraid if they would track me down and fine me or worse I would encounter some wild animal attack as they say. On the way back, I felt softening of my fixed view. There are bigger injustices in the world, somethings you can't change.

 

I was led to ask for a 3 day continuous break from the work every week, so that I could travel more. I plan to travel with my bike and a camping tent next week. That would allow me play with uncertainties and see the magic of trust. Not sure yet, if I would have the will to take that step but I'm excited! 

 

If passion, satisfaction, high energy, synchronistic reflections, divine guidance are clearly missing that might mean I have slipped into comfortable numbness and passivity. It's easy to slip into it when everything in the outside seems very certain. I ask where can I innovate and bring uncertiabity, inquisitiveness into general living. In the comfortable numb state, there are lots of distracting quick and easy gratification available that seems to fullfill for a while but actually leaves me wanting even more. This type of living is how most have been conditioned in our culture. Work hard and make it in life, then you can lead a comfortable and safe life. Get a good Govt job, then you will be secure and happy for the rest of your life. 

When the energy is low, anything I do to break the cycle seems to be only efforting leaving me tired than before. I believe it depends upon where I put my attention - is it in the physicality of survival world or it is it more in the subtle higher dimensions. One way to break away from is to remove all the quick gratification and work to be in the dissatisfaction and feel into it with commitment. I have set something in motion, an initiative for a project and watching for the feedback, what doors will close and what will open. Some core distortions are of perfection - not wanting to do anything in fear of it not being perfect. It's like if it's not good like I imagine it to be, then there's no point in starting at all and better to wait for the right thing to click into place which I guess never will. 

In truth when I feel this, all I want to do is just crawl into my bed and sleep! Another is not wanting to take daring steps and be vulnerable and expose my distortions, imaginations, identities but instead take small safe steps and effort inside it. Taking daring steps might also lead to rejection. Maybe this is the reason for efforting and conflict of the ego and soul - the feeling of being pulled in different directions. In many instances I have watched myself avoiding confrontation with others. 

I feel for you Vimal, it's a challenging situation for sure - and at the same time, not anything that plenty of other people have not experienced in these times and in the past.

The really positive thing I can reflect to you, is that you're witnessing yourself, and crucially, noticing the distortions as they arise. These are big steps towards full awakening.

The next question that arises is how do you effectively break through the cycles? But there's a pre-step before that - knowing that you really do want to break through. Especially as the ego is predicting several steps ahead - possible unfavourable outcomes etc. So often at this point there's a toussel between the soul infused part and the ego. I can reflect it's about moving towards Gateway 2 - the realignment, where ultimately the soul takes precedence. When you're at this place of indecision, the key is just to keep watching the behaviours without judging or beating yourself up about them. You actually already know what to do in terms of following the soul. But the commitment has to build. So I would suggest to give it time. Watch closely, don't take things too seriously, but then watch for that place of switch - where you simply know it's right to follow a particular path.

Wishing you well

Open HeartPraying Emoji

Open, I don't think I have completed the pre step- I actually don't know if I want to break through. Yes give it time. Thankyou. This has been in my mind - recognizing the feeling of being in the soul and knowing ultimately that these limiting cycles doesn't serve and I want to break away from it. I have been beating myself up lately of not being able on assert my highest truth in my life but going with whatever works for me and everyone else. But this has been an important realization last day that if I watch my behaviours without judging them, then I can soften more inside it, not react and hence have a chance to change them. I have been watching the impact of others especially those that are catlyic and also a degree controlling on my natural vibration. How I can't hold on to my natural game but get battered around by them. I just about read the article on empath and catlyst you shared - it really resonated. I feel it would serve to give energy to those things that would raise my warrior spirit. It would help to assert myself more in my life's circumstances. The mind is already saying, how it would be a difficult path and something it doesn't want to take part in it. But I guess it's not something I have to do but respond to the energy inside. For now I'm going to work at being in my own core vibration especially when I'm with others.

I'm reminded of this quote - "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Anaïs Nin AUTHOR, DIARIST

I'm getting to know how being in my safe comfortable numbness is more painful, dissatisfying and limiting than breaking the cycle. 

PS : I found a very appropriate song :D

 

I think the hardest thing is not being able to trust. It becomes challenging to take on the pain and know that it's the right thing to do in this moment. It's easy to trust when I'm connected to the divine, feeling and seeing reflections and synchronicties but how to trust when I'm deeply in my distortions and know that situations are actually reflections of the shadow side. That's where self doubt kicks in and regret. It's all there waiting to just pop out with some trivial trigger.

Last day, I had the realization that I'm not taking full responsibility of my distortions and in a way trying to fix and get rid of it and taking comfort in my relationships. But interestingly pain only becomes more by turning away from it and it's much easier to just turn right into it even though there's no trust that it's all building into something. Theres also possibly projections happening in my relationships and shouldering of responsibility. By that I'm trying to fit myself into some box and that becomes even more painful. How good would it feel to always come from my higher truth even when things seems to be sliding down.

I think there's still a degree of belief that efforting in the 3D will somehow take me forward which is a major source of confusion. Even though in my heart I know where my true allegiance is. There is regret even while I'm tuned into the higher dimensions that if I had taken certain steps before then in could have had both. I know regret is not aligned and possibly I would not have woken up at all If had not efforted and committed to take many 'wrong' steps and mistakes. I also know there's no way i could have predicted the outcome and most of the things I do now may look like mistake in the future. And very productive mistakes that would be. I think this also comes from poverty conciousness and lack of trust.

I feel part of the function of the challenges is to get me out of bed! Otherwise I think I would just surrender and feel into the lightness all day and take comfort in that. 😁 That's indeed a well known and strong pattern that I have to watch for. 

Hi Vimal - I would say what you've shared would describe the situation many people find themselves in. But let's consider the positive side - unlike many, you have a clear overview of what the challenges are. Understanding that is priceless, even if at that moment, you don't have the energy to break through the cycles. If you keep observing, at some point you will. Call Me Hand

I think a key one to understand about trust is that it's not an 'on/off' button. In other words it's not either there or not there. There are levels of trust to go through. You might trust that you could follow the flow at the next junction, but not enough to jump off the cliff! What this means is that you can build trust, starting from the easier and less risky challenges. Take yourself free wheeling as much as possible and let the flow build, especially as the level of risk increases: the risk of getting lost for example; being late, offending someone in relationship. And where the flow disappears, carefully watching internally where the tightness is - could it be in a doubting mind? Assuming so, try dropping into the heart at that point, and feel the way forwards, opening out through the mind as it tries to grasp onto a different solution. 

So free wheeling can be applied as a game but to great effect in building the level of trust. But let's be clear what exactly you need to build trust in - it's the process itself; that the process is where you need to be and that the unravelling through this, will unleash aligned movement and flow once more.

Wishing you well

Open Praying Emoji

Thankyou open for your reflection - the reminder to unsubscribe from the mind and attune to the heart instead. So simple but I keep forgetting. I did some freewheeling today and some things spiked in my awareness like a bunch of girls in red dress, a mangoose chasing a cat (which was unusual and funny) and reflections showing me not to give up on my interests and passion but keep following them even though the mind is especially adept at pulling me back with regret, jealousy, unworthiness etc. It's ironical that the mind is driven forward by need to succeed and compete yet it can't move forward because of the distortions. It seems like unworthiness and feeling like being rejected from the general public has really exploded into the surface. Even simple things can ignite it. Even though I'm feeling into it and opening up in time, it doesn't feel like I was moving forward but stuck in the same old patterns.

Thanks for picking up the positive and the encouragement, I really needed them. Yes, even though If I don't have the will to surrender, if I keep observing then at some point breakthrough might happen. Although it can be speeded by attuning to the present by connecting with the heart. There's a fear of being lost by oversurrendering and being passive. One of the reasons for efforting and over questioning etc.

I had a realization that I'm actually pushing me down a box, listening to the mind more even though I know half of the stuff is just interference - it's the need to belong and need for completion in relationship. It feels good and divine, there's an owning of it and needing to be in it all the time. It's like asking why would I need to feel the truth of myself, if I have the opporntinuty to feel that. I wonder if this is the reason I don't have the opportunity to be together in my relationship and I'm actually pushing it away by the neediness. It maybe the reason for the feeling of stagnation both in myself and in relationship. I wonder if it can be put in motion, wherever it wants to go by inquiring into it. 

I'm probably in the right track having the right realizations. Yesterday having posted this inquiry here, my neighbour having the same name as my partner returned after a long break. And when I called my partner, she was speaking of a job opportunity near where I live. It's fascinating how the inner opening up is being reflected in the outer. I guess this is how 5D manifestation works! I wonder if everything which feels aligned and wants to happen naturally can be put into motion by inquiring into it and asking the right questions. Like I would like to express my singing and wondering why any opportunity hasn't arised in my landscape in it. Ofcourse I have a fair degree of doubt not having taken any formal training but I know as it feels right and will create many challenges. 

Hi Vimal,

Indeed, these wonderful synchronicities do happen in 5D consciousness. Currently I'm looking for a new place to live. Yesterday a place manifested right below an airbnb I stayed in some months back. In the 5D flow, situations create in these cycles.

However, it's not all going to happen by itself. As I expressed in the recent video, the 3D is dense and resistant, so you have to open out through it; you have to step into it. So when you said this...

Like I would like to express my singing and wondering why any opportunity hasn't arised in my landscape in it. Ofcourse I have a fair degree of doubt not having taken any formal training but I know as it feels right and will create many challenges. 

It will be about overcoming the doubt and simply expressing. Then looking for opportunity that arises.

You have an excellent voice by the way - something that no amount of training can teach!

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Thanks for the compliment and encouragement - it means a lot.

I get what you mean. Interestingly universe has provided me with a fascinating reflection. The lady next door is a special character - I guess her energy is more on the catlyic side something that compliments mine. She would practice singing 11 O clock at night and doesn't care if its right or appealing to others. When I asked about it, she said casually, she doesnt care.

At the start of the journey I was so fascinated by the sudden passion, interest and ability to sing. And I would sing wherever and whenever I could - even in train or traffic. I remember one time embarrassing my friend because singing in traffic is not socially acceptable! And I would also say its these times I improved naturally and not when I was trying to improve. But as always the ego owns the soul impulse and tries to do something with it. I guess it's the soul confidence that's really relfected through the voice which people actually pick up on. 

Hi Vimal,

I tend to practice singing most days too. Even though I'm not that great. I find it helps me deliver different tones and frequencies in the course work. Plus also it strengthens my voice for seminars. I got some really useful daily tools from a lady called Chloe Goodchild... The Naked Voice

But you can also get plenty for free from youtube if you scout around.

Open Praying Emoji

Sometimes I think I'm completely in the ego - having the small I desires, needs, defence, effort to be someone and something else than I'm. Because I believe who I am is not enough. Its greatly increased by the situations and the opposing conciousness which can start to manipulate with the any subtle self judgement. From there it is then effort eventhough I know, I can't get to the destination by merely efforting.

I get how passions and interest can become the fuel of the soul. Somehow that becomes the drive and motivation which engages me with the world. Its that which tells me there is something to look forward to. It helps in managing the challenges and pain. But it can very quickly become efforting. Fortunately the reflections and negative entities help me to surrender once again to the core of who I really am.

I had a tough situation in my work yesterday. Its like I was completely powerless and then exerting power and control over the children which left me frustrated. But in this situation I think if I had not exerted any control or shown my presence then I would have been completely neglected and there wouldn't be any purpose for me sitting there. That's a feeling of complete powerlessness and maybe the efforting is to overcome that. I realize that the one in me can accept any situation and doesn't need it to go any way. But there's a thin line between being neglected and feeling disrespected. And it's also not acceptance of anything goes. The mind can come with many tactics but really nothing actually works since every situation is unique and requires to me to come forth with beingness ina unique way.

 

Hi Vimal - the words that jump right out from your sharing are... "a thin line".

In any of these behaviourisms that we pay attention to and notice, there is indeed a thin line between aligned expression of soul and where it slips into ego. This is the grey area, where we go unconscious. It's difficult because that's where the growth of the soul is.

It's important not to beat oneself up about this happening. Accept that it will most likely happen, but then work as best you can with it. If things go 'wrong', no worries, just pay attention to that area more accutely next time.

Best wishes

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open, 

This is a simple but great suggestion - accepting that, it will most likely happen and understanding that its not wrong but I'm exposing the blindspots through each experience and negative energy which feeds on them. I see this pattern where I go into denial or sort of give up when it goes wrong and think I will be more careful next time and woudnt let this happen. Maybe that's an attitude of perfectionism there. There's also a wanting, not to engage with the world when I'm negatively influenced but instead to meditate on it somewhere. I think it's much more productive to see it as a natural phenomen but carefully watching the reflections when it happens. 
I see another interesting phenomenon where in the really productive meditations where I'm opening up through the density, I do that by yawning the density away! If I start to yawn in meditationd I know that's a good thing! 

Vimal 🙏❤️

Yawning is a good one Vimal. I recall my very first workshop many moons ago where one lady yawned almost the whole time through it. It took me a little while to realise that was her way of releasing energy - since then I've seen it in plenty of people. It's amsuing to watch sometimes - it's as if they're disinterested, but far from it!

Open Thumbs Up Sign

I'm at this new place which great in many ways. But l feel like shit most of the time. The reason is I'm feeling into a lot of distortion at the same time mainly those of needing to belong, needing acceptance, to fit in, expectation to feel light and expanded, needing success, to prove my worth, wanting others to know me etc. I'm not breaking through as quickly as I want to which is basically non acceptance. I feel the entities and implants on the field very strongly and how they impacts what I think and do. And from time to time I go done the path of trying, too much trying and effort which makes things worse.

It would have helped if I was connected to the universe through signs and synchronicties but mostly I think they are at the mind level needing some sort interpretation eventhough there is resonance and they feel really connected to what I observe around me. But there isn't that strong connection to the higher dimension where I could say I really belong. I have been asking this question - what is the worst possible outcome? Maybe it's them, recognizing I'm not good enough for the job like they would have thought and disappointing others. If I could just be me! And not worry about how I look, talk or do. I know its just a matter of time before some breakthrough might happen and I'm waiting for it. All the while I'm doing Openhandbow and other meditation to mediate through the distortions.

I feel to go on for freewheeling today and see what I might get as reflections. 

I think you're doing great Vimal Thumbs Up Sign

It sounds like you're witnessing the right things. Feeling sh** is not a bad thing because it means you're digging through the density. I recall when I began my journey here, there were plenty of days for many years when I felt like sh**, but I had faith in what I was doing and persisted. It led to plentiful breakthroughs, but there were also times when I felt pretty heavy. My rationale was, that if I truly wanted to be fully free here, then anything that felt dense had to be resolved out. It couldn't be ignored. Therefore bring it on!

You learn to deal with feeling sh** much better. You accept it more, turn into it much quicker, and process through much faster. And so your frequency progressively increases, until you can channel light even through the densest of moments. And I can tell you its going to get a lot denser in this plane as the old consciousness churns up. Can you still keep shining the light when all around you are going into fear and panic? There is the real test of soul.

And bags of patience is required - no quick fixes or expectations. Just persevernce.

Grace and Grit!

Open HeartPraying Emoji

But you don't feel shit anymore. That's great. I envy you 😄
The first word I saw after reading your message is comfort. I think that's a big part of feeling like shit that there's an attachment to comfort of my home. Now I'm so far and really in a very uncomfortable zone, there's a wanting to back to the certainty of what Im used to. Hence the lack of acceptance. From my experience its really the lack of acceptance and unwillingness to confront  the pain that is the problem. The pain and density are not the problem. I think it's a shift in perspective - really understanding this is what it really matters and the courage and vulnerability to turn right into it. If that motivation is there, then there is no waiting around for the experience to be over.
The place I just called home - I coudnt exactly say I felt I belonged there either. It was certain and comfortable. But I also coudnt wait for it to change.
I just went for a walk in the near by forest. When I came back there were thorn all over my clothes and I had to pick it out very patiently. Seems like a synchronicity. 

Thanks for your reply. Though I'm in a very beautiful place and people are really friendly, I can't say anyone is awakened. And I can't communicate any of these things that's going inside. 

Vimal 🙏

Some recent exploration from the school I'm in. It's actually pushing all sorts of button inside me very regularly. But I have learned to see the fun side of it too. The inquiry, breakthrough, reflections, connecting dots and realizations. I guess it was the initial inertia that was pulling me back. One thing I'm surely seeing is the belief that I'm not given importance here or my voice doesn't matter because I havnt achieved anything or have nothing to show for myself. It's an interesting shift in dynamic where I have attended a wedding ceremony before I joined here where i played some music and suddenly I was very important. I had a lot of confidence in myself and was naturally happy and I made a lot of soul connections. I guess there is soul in there eventhough it's distorted a bit. So the belief might be ones energy doesn't matter and one has to physically prove it with words or opinions or talent or actions. And the outside world is reflecting this back. There might also be some temptation to judge others because they are not spiritually coherent and aligned as I'm and considering them less important. 

 

I wonder if its really a patriarchal distortions and its amplified by the presence of lead character eventhough he has assured me a no of times that he is not the boss here. And its a team work. Last day I felt myself being jealous towards someone because of this! But I'm starting to let go of this bit by bit and that's stripping away some of the obligations and expectations I have placed on myself.

I have also found some ways to belong to this place and most importantly to myself without having to count on others for it. There is a nice stream through the school beside I find time to meditate and contemplate. I'm actually writing this from there. 

 

If I sum up the distortions in the past few years that I have seen, it would be feeling of not being good enough. And it still continues and I wonder if there would be an end to it, so that I would move on to other lessons. I also wonder if the distortions and feeling is because I feel I want to belong to others around me. This I think is impossible unless I disconnect myself from the real essense of me. There are days of lightness and connection with people around. But something or the other would trigger it. Part of it is triggered by a language barrier as I can't seem to completely express myself in the english language and the place demands that.

Today I was at the school meeting where the lead character was speaking and also kind of accusing the children for misaligned behaviour. And I was seeing the patriarchal distortion. They were talking about god and how it's a man made fiction used only to control the people so that they behave properly, as the individual doesn't have the means to control their behavior themselves. The god in the room wasn't lost on me. I'm sure I'm hit by the events because I have the same distortions. I feel this has to do with the feeling of not being enough. Its as if my whole survival depends on how the father image sees me, which I know is not true at all. But something I can't shake off. I have this memory where I was told my mother that I was planned to be rejected before birth by the farther and its she who wanted me. That seems very synchronistic to all of this. 

Today at class I had this interference from a very catalytic person. Maybe her intentions were pure, but I felt to say no to her! Which she ofcourse didn't like. I felt she was subconsciously saying to me, that she could do it better and thereby she is better and I'm not enough. Later I found myself subjecting to her ways and immediately this sign caught me, " draw your own figure".

I feel a bit unnatural moving through the structure, timetables and schedules eventhough the work is not hectic as I'm mostly teaching yoga, music and only a bit of science and maths.

But how ones soul can move through a prefixed schedule is my question. And still find the flow and light.

Teaching yoga has been good eventhough I'm not that much trained in it but I think it has more to do with holding the space for others and feeling the lightness and happiness in the process within myself so that I can reflect that to others. But how to teach something to someone of they are not even open to it and only there for the sake of being there. That is reflecting back the self doubt I have. But my reaction has always been to put attention on the positive feedback which I'm glad to say was there. Teaching yoga to primary kids is totally a different ball game!