Marye's adventures

Like some other Openhanders, I felt to start my own thread here on the forum, to share some of my experiences and feelings that don’t necessarily relate to a recent thread, but which I would like to express anyhow. So here we go!

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In reply to by Open

Yesterday I processed through something that felt like some quite deep karma, while someone was holding space for me. At some point, the ‘observer’ of the process wanted to say something to this person, but somehow I failed to speak. I tried repeatedly, but only some murmuring sounds came out and it was as if my mouth couldn't move. As if the translation of the thoughts to speech was somehow hampered. After some frustration I gave up trying, but overall it was quite a strange experience.

Then suddenly it dawned to me that the experience has a lot of similarities with me trying to post something here on the website for a while now, where the ‘observer’ knows what it is wanting to say, but I fail to write the message, as if I can’t speak. And perhaps it is even a mirror of what is moving (or not moving) in my life more broadly, where I can feel something arising, but then I fail to express/ let it manifest, leaving me again frustrated….

So recently I had some triggers and an inquiry around guilt and how my sense of guilt creates porous boundaries that can easily be tampered with when my sense of guilt is being called upon (and possibly a distortion of becoming overcompassionate because of it), and I suspect this is where entities easily find an entry point. Anyway, I recalled that I had posted here on the topic of guilt before, so while searching for that I ended up on my personal thread here. It is always so interesting to reread some of what I have posted in the past here, though often also a bit demoralizing, as I find that most of the challenges that I have written about before are still quite pertinent now. Which feels like I have just been going round in circles all this time on the same issues! As I was going through the thread I also stumbled on this response from Open to one of my posts of just over a year ago and I have to say that the highlighted passage left me even more demoralized (which I remember it also did when I first read it).

‘Also, coming from a place where we're continually strategising and formulating from the mind, to where you can comfortably flow from being takes a big transition. I would say a minimum of 1 year deprogramming, and that would only be so quick, because a person was completely committed to a process of "not-doing". I would rather say to allow a period of 18 months to 2 years. And that would still be pretty quick.’

‘18 to 24 months being pretty quick??!! That means that I might not even be halfway through what feels like a state of slumber! And then this seems to pretty well sum up my life the past year or so:

‘And in the beginning you can find yourself sitting still for some period of time before anything moves at all this way.’

Particularly in my externally visible 3D life it feels like there has been very little movement over the past year or so (whereas internally/energetically there has been enough movement), or there are these occasional movements that seem to end up in a dead end, which can be driving me quite crazy. Or alternatively there is so much internal energetic movement that brings any movement in the 3D to a halt, because I am not able to function and forced to withdraw and just be in bed until things calm down again. All this seems to trigger quite a bit of self-judgement and restlessness, of being lazy, procrastinating too much, not pushing through, and particularly of being ‘useless’. When I touch that state of the sense of uselessness it feels like any reason to be alive has evaporated and I might as well be dead for it. So the mind desperately starts looking for things to do, to create a sense of usefulness to fill up that void of discomfort.

In relation to all of this, lately I have been having an inquiry around ‘fixation’ vs. ‘fluidity’. How my mind has a tendency to fixate and focus on things in terms of structures, boxes, labels, expectations, etc. and once it has focused on something it can get quite lost in that narrow-minded fixation, overwriting any intuitive feelings that are out of line with the fixation. And one of those fixations has been on avoidance of feeling useless, by making sure I am doing something ‘useful’, which in the past I used to be able to quite effortlessly ‘push forward’. But similar to what I shared above about not being able to speak, despite the fixation and attempts, not much seems to have been moving at all lately, which has created quite a bit of restlessness (test of my (im)patience!) and perhaps there is also a bit of fear lingering in the background that things are going to stay like this forever, as well as a fear of surrendering to a more fluid outlook without anything to ‘fixate’ on (the unknown!) until after it manifests. And of course one of my mind’s deceptive fixations is that if I can only just surrender to nothing moving at all, that things will start moving again. Of course there is no room for surrender in that intentional fixation in the first place!

Finally, it feels like I am lately hitting one of my root pains quite deeply around feeling alone, ignored, not heard, misunderstood and not supported. And how my fixation on avoidance of this root pain tries to constantly create reassurance that I am not alone, being heard, understood and supported in distorted ways and how strong the triggers can be if I don’t get that reassurance somehow. And at the moment I feel a bit like a ticking timebomb, as if all my karma of that root pain is exploding in my face all at once. And sometimes I don’t exactly know who I am in all of it, as from one moment to the next I can feel like two completely different people (almost a bit like what I imagine it feels like to be bipolar….).

Hi Marye - it's only when you go out on a limb that you find the best fruit!

And so it is, you made these momentous changes, and so now the possibility for transformation and forging of the soul is all abound - and yes, did anyone say this would then all be plain sailing? You know the answer to that one!

I felt to pick up on this that you said, becasue I know a lot of people experience the judgment and projection when they step out and dare to be them...

‘So where are you going?’, ‘I don’t know yet’, has been a frequent exchange with people I know during these times. ‘What? So you first quit your job without knowing what you are going to do next and now you have given up your house, without knowing where you are going?’. A lot of discomfort in the process was caused by the reflections and projections of the world around me (which of course I was manifesting for some reason!), that surely you should have some kind of plan or know where you are going and I found it hard to relate to people that actually I didn’t. It is like there are some unconscious expectations about the world and how people behave and if you don’t fulfill those, it raises a lot of questions.

The only reasons the questions, judgments and projections persist, is becasue (as you probably realise), you're inviting them yourself because you have the issue about what you're (not) doing, or not having a plan. If you were comfortable with this, it would reflect back at the questioner with a knowing amusement that they would feel. The questions then cease.

So it's work in progress. Keep unwinding the need "to do" - to be somehow justfied (as an identity) by being fixated in a position. Keep working to unravel this and finding comfort in the inner - let that become home and purpose.

Open Praying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Hi Open,

Thanks for your reflections. There is indeed an identity that has a fixation on doing things or having a plan to justify itself, that gets affected by external judgement. Interestingly what has been happening since coming to Malawi is that all my plans here constantly seem to be going haywire. Partly that is the nature of how things happen here, constantly changing and in the moment, but for some reason something has been feeling 'off' about it, as if it isn't flowing (which comes with a sense of frustration), and I have been wondering why I am manifesting this. I can see two possibilities, either I am still too much operating from the mind and not well in tune with the flow, so every time I plan something 'out of line' with the flow, the universe reflects that back to me by the plan going haywire. Or alternatively, I might have an expectation or attachment about what the flow 'clicking in' and feeling right should be like, but maybe there is an invitation to surrender and embrace that everything going haywire might well be the perfect flow I needed to manifest....

Heart

It has been a while since I last posted something here while I was right in the midst of unwinding my apartment in the Netherlands early September. In the meantime so much has happened and processed (was it only 2 months or rather 2 years!) that there is so much I could write about, which makes it daunting to get started. So let’s just see what wants to flow here now……

Last time I shared about my fear of going mad or rather the fear of being labeled as mad by the outside world and since that post I ended up going even deeper into that fear, though I don’t feel I have reached the bottom of it yet. I can clearly see how this fear can keep me from fully surrendering into things as well as that is has created a kind of ‘sane’ alterego that can be presented to the outside world, which needs to be safeguarded at all times. By now the possibly slightly mad authentic self is getting fairly fed up with this alterego and is ready to come out in the open (almost feels a bit like a ‘coming out of the closet’), which creates quite a bit of tension with the remaining layers of fear and can create a whole lot of panic. Greatly indebted here to one of my fellow facilitators for just being present with me while I was freaking out during the final stages of my moving out process, and being there to make sure nobody would call an ambulance on me! The latter reassurance allowed me to go into the panic more than I normally would have, though I still feel I am yet to explore the very rock bottom of it….

The moving out of the Netherlands process was an intense journey. Letting go of material things was actually the easier part, other than some things that have a personal value, which are now in storage, whereas the leaving behind people is always the harder part for me. It triggers a sense of guilt for ‘abandoning’ friends and family, which during the process would bring up constant doubt about making the right ‘choice’. In the end I organized a small farewell gathering for friends and family, which helped me to come to a closure on that. Something else that really came to the surface in the process was a conditioning from my upbringing to always be well prepared for the worst case scenario (which will likely never happen), which was giving me a lot of stress and sleepless nights, again very much something fear related…. I would for example lay awake at night figuring out what to do if on the day of moving out all my friends who had said they would come to help carry things to the moving van, would suddenly pull out. The most unlikely scenario (and in the end I of course ended up with more than enough people to help), yet the one that would give me a lot of stress. And even though rationally it made no sense whatsoever, internally things would be very unsettled, making sure that even in that unlikely event I had a backup plan ready….

Then the day came that I handed in the keys of my apartment and was left with myself and a suitcase. Not to cause any further stress, I purposely hadn’t given much thought during the moving out process about what to do next or where to go, but now I suddenly found myself without a ‘base’ or a clue where I would be sleeping that week, which brought a new sense of stress and of course images of worst case scenarios finding myself sleeping under the bridge or in the train station at night. Contemplating on what would be so bad about those scenarios, I realized it wasn't so much about sleeping under the bridge, but rather about it being unsafe, being unprotected and at the risk of attack there, particularly as a woman (so if I knew there would be someone to protect me from attack while sleeping under the bridge, I could happily sleep there). Of course all magically worked out in the end, with even a nice Airbnb that suddenly had cancelations and where I could stay for a week longer without additional charge while the owner went abroad. Yet, that is all in hindsight, which couldn’t prevent the stress beforehand. This actually makes me think about what Open wrote to Vimal yesterday, about the path revealing itself as we look backwards, which I know very well to be true, yet my mind would so much like to find peace and security in it being the other way around! Yes, a sense of security seems to be the red thread here…..

‘So where are you going?’, ‘I don’t know yet’, has been a frequent exchange with people I know during these times. ‘What? So you first quit your job without knowing what you are going to do next and now you have given up your house, without knowing where you are going?’. A lot of discomfort in the process was caused by the reflections and projections of the world around me (which of course I was manifesting for some reason!), that surely you should have some kind of plan or know where you are going and I found it hard to relate to people that actually I didn’t. It is like there are some unconscious expectations about the world and how people behave and if you don’t fulfill those, it raises a lot of questions. This starts touching on what I chose as the topic of this post ‘empty space, out-of-place’, which sums up the main feelings I have been exploring during the past months. Trying to stay open and not having a clear plan or purpose to focus on feels like an empty space to me. I can see that this is a place of great potential and freedom, yet to me it feels very unsettling and I have to constantly remain vigilant for the mind to not quickly grab onto something, just to have a sense of security or purpose. The sense of ‘purposelessness’ contributes to the sense of being ‘out-of-place’, the sense of not really having a place or purpose within the bigger whole (which I know is not true, but that is the way it feels like). Perhaps I could say that the ‘sane’ alterego I talked about above has got a place somewhere, but that the authentic self doesn’t really have a place within the ‘system’. Maybe the place of the authentic self is actually in that empty space, where there is no real place to fit into….

In the end after sorting out a few last bits and bobs in the Netherlands at least some ‘wheres’ or destinations came about in Africa. Working around facilitating at the South Africa retreat and the wedding of a dear friend in Malawi, I ended up going back to my second (or should I rather say first) home in Malawi for now, from where I will travel to South Africa and then in December I will proceed to Kenya for three weeks. As return flights tend to be cheaper than single flights, I have a return ticket to be in the Netherlands for Christmas, but then for 2020 things still look very ‘empty’ with regards to where I might be. So far it has been great to be back in Malawi, where I always find a strange sense of ‘home’ and internally feel much more free and in a flow then when I am in Europe, yet at the same time there is always a sense of feeling ‘out-of-place’ here or not really belonging or fitting in anywhere. Most of my friends here are Malawian and I have never been an active member of the expatriate community around, yet due to the distinct difference of skin colour, I end up being the ‘white sheep’ in the crowd, clearly not fully ‘belonging’ (that of course leads to the constant question ‘where are you from?’, which I dread answering with ‘Netherlands’, yet when I tell people ‘planet earth’ instead, I also get weird and unsatisfied faces!). On the one hand, this can be an advantage, because it means I am not expected to comply with the strong cultural conditioning here of how to behave or not to behave, but on the other hand it means that I will always remain an outsider…. I suppose what gets triggered by feeling out-of-place is a deep sense of loneliness, of being completely on my own in the end. Which relates to a recent inquiry about ‘being replaceable’, which brought up a lot of grief for me. That whatever kind of special relationship or friendship we might be in or whatever special bond we might have with our family or kids, if for whatever reason we fall away, for example through death, break-up or moving away, we will probably be ‘replaced’ at some point and someone else will take on the role we used to fulfill. While writing this, I realise the word ‘place’ seems to be an underlying thread, with out-of-place, replaceable and replaced featuring in what I wrote above. And the question arises, ‘can something that is out-of-place be replaced?’, no idea why though and what the relevance of this question is in relation to the above. And there is something about searching for my place in this world and the realization that perhaps my place is in the ‘empty space’, though the mind is not very comfortable with this idea and would like to find something more tangible than that!

Despite being on the move now in Africa and there being an answer to ‘where are you going?’ question, I still don’t really have a clear purpose or goal for being here (other than perhaps the South Africa retreat Slightly Smiling) and thus no clear answer to the question ‘why are you here?’ ‘what are you doing here?’, although I know on a deeper level I am here to be present and unveil more of my authentic self under the surface. For my mind this is a very restless place to be in and it is therefore constantly wanting to fill this ‘empty space’ with some kind of reason or purpose, leading to things ‘to do’. There are days here that I wake up in the morning and go ‘so what now?’ and have no idea what to do with my time that day…. This might sound like a great place to be in, but for me it makes me restless, I suppose I am not that good at just sitting still and waiting for things to happen! I

Lastly, where I feel quite out-of-place is witnessing inauthentic, conditioned societal behavior, people just blindly following protocols and structures. I am noticing that something inside of me is getting more and more impatient with this and would almost want to scream ‘Just get real, people! Show me who you really are, rather than acting like a puppet of the system!’ Yet as I write this, I wonder how much of that I could actually scream to myself and how much I am still a puppet myself, not showing who I really am out of fear for becoming even more out-of-place than I already feel I am…..

There is always more to say, but I have already written a lot, so I will leave it here for now with my update!

Heart

Hi Marije - of course I can't say ALL allergies are karmic, but I'm sure some are.

And yes, when they come up, rather than just dealing with the symptoms, it's important to explore into the underlying feelings - to see where there might be karma at the source.

Open Praying Emoji

Open, thanks for the reflections about the Atlantean karma and animal hybridisation (maybe it is time to get my copy of Divinicus back from the person I borrowed it to and reread it). Quite fascinating, I am definitely not one of those with attachments to animals through a heightened sense of empathy, because I have never been big on engaging with animals. I do have a very irrational fear of dogs though (particularly if they bark and are big enough to jump up to my face), so I wonder if that could be part of that kind of karma too.

I am meanwhile back in the Netherlands and the allergy symptoms have definitely changed and are less than in Brazil, though I had a very strong allergy response on Saturday after spending time in a place with a lot of dust, that kept me awake throughout the night (even more than 2 hours of Openhand meditations in the middle of the night didn't bring much relief!). So how does one work through this kind of karma (and thus the allergies)? Is it a matter of fully going into the discomfort of the allergy symptoms when they arise (which can be so hard!) and see what comes up? Yet it is so hard to not already get attached to alleviating the allergy symptoms as an outcome of such a process!

Eric, Nice to 'see' you here! It was indeed great to meet in Bruges and to be neighbors in the field there Slightly Smiling. Interesting the Aquaman synchronicity, I hope you will find a chance to watch it soon, if you haven't already. And what an interesting synchronicity about the misspelling of appalingly, it indeed seems that there was a message for you there about Atlantis!! I had stumbled over that word when I read Open's response, but perhaps because English is not my native tongue, I had not realised it was because it was misspelled.

The post job adventure is an interesting exploration with lots of highs and lows, which I am sure you know all about yourself! There is a constant inquiry with on the one hand the part of me that might still have attachments to the old reality and the risk to unconsciously recreate something similar that feels more safe and secure, and on the other hand with the part of me that is ready for a new reality that might involve taking a bit more risk. It is amazing to see how my perspective keeps on shifting from moment to moment, what seems to feel right one moment, doesn't necessarily seem right anymore a few hours later and so on. To be continued....

Heart

Hi Marije,

Long time no see! It was awesome meeting you in Bruges and comforting to feel your strength of presence to my left. 😊 

I’ve been exploring allergic reactions myself for a long time, to insect bites in my case. I haven’t seen Aquaman yet, but curiously just this morning I came across the movie title poster and the pull to watch was so strong that I made a note in my journal to watch it ASAP. 

Plus Open said some of the experiments turned out apPAULingly so maybe some Atlantis related karma is meant to churn up for me too...😂 

Hope month 2 post job departure is going well!

Eric 

There are many aspects and different threads to the Atlantean karma. One being that they experimented with human/animal hybrids, that often turned out pretty appaulingly. Imagine being a soul drawn into that kind of situation. It could certainly present as allergies (to animals for example) caused by the karma. Or else over attachment to them through a heightened sense of empathy.

Something to ponder

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Thanks, yes I have been wondering why the body would respond so strongly to trivial things like dust and animals. Still wondering how to best work with these allergies, aware that I have a slight attachment of wanting it to go away....

I am quite curious about your mention of Atlantean karma though and how this would relate to allergies? Synchronistically I was watching the movie 'Aquaman' on the plane coming here, which features Atlantis. And the island Florianopolis where I am in Brazil seems to have quite an old and interesting history, so I wonder if it has any connection to Atlantis....

Hi Marije,

Yes, an interesting one - I do believe allergies are karmic, yes. In two ways.

First think about it - we've evolved over millions of years on the planet, and billions if you see it as one progression. So why should humanity have allergies to such obvious things?

Firstly I think it's because Homo Sapiens has been hybridised to fit within a synthetic reality.
I'd say also that plenty of starsouls have challenges here with this reality that manifests physically.
And there will be some curious Atlantean karma where the Intervention experimented with various types of human/animal hybrid.

So yes, a bit of a mix!

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

I have an inquiry about allergies/allergic reactions and what is behind them energetically. I have allergies for dust mite, cats, dogs and overall my nose tends to be sensitive for things in the air. Generally, these have been quite manageable and don't bother me that much. However, the past two weeks I have been in Brazil and suddenly, my allergies have really flared up for no clear reason (different country/continent perhaps?), at first I still tried to find a 'logical' reason for it, such as staying somewhere with cats, sleeping on an old mattress,  the humidity because of rains, but I have a sense that there is more to it than that. It was particularly bad  at night, with itchy, swollen eyes (which is usually mostly in response to cats and dogs) and a sour, painful throat keeping me awake. I have been meditating with it during the night, which would bring a little bit of relief, but it was hard to really get into the discomfort (at some point I just really wanted to scratch my eyes out to stop the itching!). Any reflections on why allergies manifest and how to work with them? Can allergies be karmic? 

Hi Nils,

Great to see you here, and good that your integrations are creating a more aligned outer mirror in life Thumbs Up Sign

I would definitely say the tinitus here is to do with the integration of higher energetic frequencies.

With regards shame, remember each distortion will conceal a hidden truth - therefore to work to unravel the truth and let go of the distortion. I would say the aligned expression of shame is accountability. We are not to blame for our distortions of the past, but accountable for finding aligned expression once we become conscious of them. No one is beyond such density from the journey of life!

Looking forwards to seeing you next down the flow

Open OK Hand SignPraying Emoji

Thank you, Marije for posting this, after I asked you about it on messenger. 

I too have had intense ringing in my ears lately, both the high pitched variant, which I interpreted as some kind of hearing damage (though not being exposed to very loud noise), and in addition a low-pitched very intense ringing in my left ear. 

Since my last Openhand retreat in june last year, Cae Mabon, I've been doing intense inner work, resulting in outer reflections, a lot of them not very pleasant or reassuring. Finally I feel I'm really on a good track, my reflections suddenly shifting dramatically, meeting lots of new people with instant connection, and the intense ringing in my ears coincides with this period. In this respect Opens response makes sense to me. Also I don't find the ringing a nuisance, it's just there, which supports this view. 

I do find it awkward to write and post this, which let's me know that I still have a lot of shame to process. However I find myself less idenfified with it then before, it's just there, and it CAN be processed and healed. 

So grateful for all I've learnt and experienced from the Openhand community. Looking forward to new retreats in the future. It's so easy to get lost in spiritual circles, and I've met a couple of dead ends this year, until finally realizing, more than on an intellectual/conceptual level, that I can only find what I'm searching for within myself. Support and guidance in the process is however not a bad idea, probably paramount during the process. 

With gratitude

Nils 

Hi Marije, my sense is that this is NOT to do with an entity. I would say that what's happening is that you, as a being, are attuning to higher energetic frequencies, infusing soul, which is then needing to integrate. This might well cause an energetic dissonance that manifests as the ringing. I'd say the key is to to keep working on the transformation, working through the density and integrating the higher vibrational beingness. Then the sound should go away, because it becomes a part of the new beingness.

Best wishes

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

I have an inquiry about ringing/buzzing ears, something I asked about before above (link). I always associated ringing ears with the potential presence of an entity, but I remember in your response to that post you were hinting on the lower vehicle being realigned to embrace the spirit light body. In the past week or so I am experiencing very loud ringing in my ears again (probably the loudest I can remember) in both ears, to the point that yesterday I had difficulty falling asleep, because the ringing was so loud. I am just wondering what the different sources of ringingears can be. Other than an entity or the lower vehicle aligning for the spirit light body are there any other possibilities? The other day I was wondering if solar flares can be of influence here and perhaps if one gets more sensitive to radiation if that can cause ringing? And regardless of the underlying cause for the ringing, so you have any suggestions how to best work with this? I would be interested to hear your reflections!

The good thing Marije is that you can clearly see the bloakge - not wanting to disappoint people and then possible rejection. So what is it in this, that you're rejecting about yourself?

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Thanks for your reflections! I am not sure I actually discovered the 95% rule in divine manifestation as you explained it, but I do get where you are coming from (of course I know nothing is 100% certain and therefore no choice will be 100% right). Rationally I all very well understand what you explained above, but I am someone who does have a tendency to get stuck in this 5% of uncertainty, particularly when other people are involved and potentially having to disappoint them if things end up going in a different direction than what I committed to. As I am writing this, I can actually feel a lot of tightness and control around making sure not to disappoint others. The tightness seems related to what they might do to you if you don’t stick to your commitment and the possible ‘rejection’ by others. Moreover, even if I hold that 5% periphal awareness and might notice things was to move in a different direction, I am more likely to ignore this and stick to my original commitment…. again not to disappoint. Though I can see that I can see that I am already a lot less rigid with this than I used to be. In the past I might have still dragged myself sick to an appointment, just because I had made the commitment and felt bad to cancel. And I used to also expect the same kind of commitment from others in return and could get very disappointed if people would cancel last-minute, but on that front I have made good progress over the years and I can be at peace with it now.  

Still some work to do here on getting comfortable with leaving room for the 5% to unfold regardless of the consequences and possible disappointments!

Hi Marije - wonderful, you discovered the "95% rule" in divine manifestation! Thumbs Up Sign

What do I mean by this?

In the world of 3D logic, where everything processes through egoic mind, there is a tendency to work within the idea of certainties... "if I pick the cup up then I can drink", "if I catch the bus at A, then it will take me to B", "if I plan this with 'them' then it's pretty much sure to happen". Okay, things don't always work out, but when you think about it, most of life is working towards making sure of the certainty of something within defined parameters.

This is all false!

Think about it: we exist in a relativistic reality that is created by two different but related flows - Unity Consciousness and Separation Consciousness. You only know hot in relation to cold; up in relation to down; me in relation to you. There are no absolutes. This has an essential consequence when you start to create more aligned with the flow...

You can't know the reality you're perceiving is 100% real. What is 'real' if everything is only a relativistic perception? As the ancient adage goes, "you could be a butterfly dreaming you're a woman!" Okay, the synchronicity tells you that you're being a 'woman' at this time, but what does that mean exactly? The mind forms fixations and rigid internal relationships around what 'woman' means, and yet what you - as the soul - are really experiencing are various loops of Separation Consciousness flowing in relation to Unity Consciousness that is kind of like 50% (or there abouts) of the population; but in actual fact, it is an experience that is totally unique to you. You are a soul dreaming an experience that reasonably approximates to a label society has called 'woman'.

What this means is that you can never really label anything as "100% real".
You cannot therefore take any step which is "100% certain".
There is no choice that is "100% right".

What you can do however, is feel something that is a fair degree aligned with the natural flow itself - bearing in mind that this too is a perception - therefore not 100% absolute, not 100% real. Therefore what I've found when following the flow is not to aim for certainty, not to NEED certainty. In fact (as you've uncovered) I work to see if I can be 95% sure of the reality I'm in, and the step I'm about to take. I've heard that from one or two others down the flow aswell, so it was good to see others realising the same thing, even down to the same percentage of 95%.

So how I work with this is to feel into something until I can be 'sure' to a 95% degree. The other 5% I hold as 'doubt' or more accurately 'uncertainty'. With this uncertainty I apply active awareness and inquiry: "what is happening now?" "how is the flow going now?" "what is authentic reality now". I constantly hold that 5% uncertainty as peripheral awareness going forwards.

How can this work within the matrix where people are so fixed on certain necessary outcomes?

What I put to you is that no one can really be sure of anything, even if society works to plan things that way. Yes, people want to live in 'certainity', but that is an illusion, a fabrication. Therefore somehow you have to bridge into this reality and how other people need to 'play the game'. Which for me means to feel something (a step for example) until I'm 95% sure, to commit wholeheartedly in that direction, but only with 95% certainty that's where I'm going. I hold the other 5% as peripheral awareness, continually observing and watching for the flow possibly to change.

You do have to be careful with this '5%' uncertainty' part though - that it doesn't escalate and become an identity that is always doubting and then derailing. So you have to work to unwind this where it might arise.

I do believe that if you explore approaching steps with the "95% certainty rule" then you'll find greater peace with the steps you feel to take and build in a degree of flexibility in case things change. I've found it does help the mind relax.

Wishing you (95%) well!

Open Smiling With Sweat EmojiPraying Emoji

 

I have recently been contemplating my challenges with ‘commitment’. I find it very hard to commit to something if I am not sure if I can commit a full 100% to it. It is like if I am 95% committed to something, but there is 5% not sure, then I find it very difficult to say yes to something. This usually leads to putting things off and procrastination until I reach the 100%. Thus when I am really sure about something it is quite easy, I just go for it, but in most other situations I find myself sitting on the fence. I have been pondering what’s behind this and it seems there is some kind of unconscious programming that once you commit to something there is no going back, unless there is an emergency. So when I for example agree to meet someone on a particular date in the future, it means that this fixed and there is no room for me to cancel (which would almost feel like a crime). Hence, when I am not sure if on that date there might be something else with a conflicting timing, I hold off from committing myself. I realise that there is something about not wanting to disappoint other people underneath it, which makes that I find it hard to commit if I am not 100% sure. Say I am 95% sure, then it means there is a 5% chance of having to disappoint someone if I commit myself, so in order to avoid that I don’t until I am sure. Something that Heike wrote somewhere on another thread today resonated in that regard:

‘Making a mistake through some failing on my part, something that I could have done better, something that could have been avoided if only I had paid more attention. ‘

I can see how as a consequence I often keep many balls up in the air waiting for the certainty to land first, which is often not very helpful and I might even be disappointing others by my inability to commit. Is there anyone who recognizes this commitment avoidance, who might have any tips for me?

Today while cleaning up I stumbled into a little notebook that I labeled 'PhD inspiration and frustration notebook' at the time, at least 10 years ago (way before I ever knew about the Breakthrough approach Slightly Smiling). I felt joyful and sad at the same time when I read what I wrote:

It might all come down to accepting losing control and embracing the idea that I might fail. A thought that brings me stress and fear. And even when I am trying to let go, I am trying to do this out of control. So my mind is actually trying to control the letting go, but this is exactly where problem is, the mind trying to control what it should let go off. Rather than just observing what is going on in my body and mind and accepting it the way it is, I am still trying to control it with my mind. And even if there is a short moment I manage to let go, my mind is there to make a judgement about it.'

A sense of sadness, because I feel I still haven't fully cracked this one. I can definitely see that I have made progress on the way, but also how I sometimes still get stuck in similar 'loops'. Moreover, reading this is a good reminder for me that insights or understanding about something don't always hold any key to working through it and might even become an obstruction..... 

Just felt to share....

Hi Megha,

There's little we can do for those who stay asleep and refuse to see the changes that are coming. Except that is, to be ourselves, keep shining our light and show a steady rock solid calmness when we can - which of course involves breaking through the fear first.

Maybe the fear is karmic related? Maybe it's because of the impact that will happen to some as they are taken by 'surprise'? Nevertheless, in the big picture, unconsciousness will always be taken by surprise by consciousness. It's just the way things are and something for us to accept.

A key thing for you will be to work to depersonalise it.
Why should it be any different what happens to friends and family, as opposed to people on the other side of the world you don't know? Are we not all one?

Something to contemplate. Attachments will form to those around you, but work to depersonalise the impact of the Shift. It's all happening within consciousness. It's essential to dig deep and let go.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

 

Hi Marije, Megha and Open, 
Maybe I can reflect with my experiences. Some of the things that are moving through me. 

Frustration for losing the peaceful state, disappointment with how things are, anxiety of the future, not caring attitude and a giving up of efforting and wanting to be different , being absolutely vulnerable to the people around me without money, career, resources, talent, answers. Letting go of control and letting the control to the divine. Willingness to take whatever comes my way. Not running away from emotional pain but having trust that whatever is happening is exactly what should happen.

Self judgment for still holding some of the outdated old beliefs which I thought I was through. Especially when I see or feel inadequacy in relationships. Feeling obliged to act or behave in a certain way in relationships. Not wanting to be seen without value. Fear of being depended on others and hence having to conform to others ideas of how things should be. Fear of being seen as a nuisance, or not being needed, rejected. Being powerless and without a choice.

Atratching success with feeling graceful, expanded and feeling of failure, mistake, self critiscm for the error.

The 'nuisance' stands apart in what I wrote. I have the memory of all the time I was sent out, punished, humiliated in the classroom in school for just being me.

Having a perfect image in the mind and an urge, impulse, a wanting to follow it. Attaching peace, happiness with perfection.

I keep trying to sleep ideally at night that is at a fixed time switching off all technology and meditating and relaxing to sleep but something or the other causes me to shift from this ideal case. I end up waking very tired, nauseated, thoughts runninng through my head. Some days if I meditate, let go of effort, let go of control, become curious and open, be nothing in it, then I can 'regain' the peaceful state. Other times like today I can't or otherwise there is a giving up of this effort to control and change. I have a question if you can answer, how does this entity attack relate to the pain body.

Wishing you all well

Vimal 

PS: Sorry if some of the things I wrote seems out of place, personal or irrelevant to the above sharings. I copied it from the journal I wrote in the morning. But they somehow seems to resonate with your experiences. 

 

Hi Megha and Marije - these shifts are not at all easy. When you think of all the density you've 'consumed' in the years you've been here and the level of embodiment of the Old Paradigm, you can expect it'll take some years of 'cold turkey' to unravel it all. And if the unravelling leaves you in a place where you can't move or articulate for a while, the best thing to do, if at all possible, would be to stay put and let it all process through.

There's a section in 5GATEWAYS where I've explained that as you switch to the energy of the True Self at Transfiguration, you'll feel like you simply can't communicate or function through the old neural pathways any more. They feel like a travesty of rightness. So at times you will likely feel as if you can't function. But if you honour these feelings and confront any fear of that, if you can surrender into the openness underlying it, then new and aligned functionality will emerge.

Megha, just something that jumped out... why are you trying to 'get everyone to wake up'.... to climate change?
Likelihood is that becomes unproductive and frustrating. Either they get it or they don't.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

In reply to by Open

Dear Open ,

I think the answer to that is ' Panic ' . I am feeling a deep sense of forboding especially since friends and family continue to.be fast asleep in denial. To me ,not only intellectually ,I can feel.whats coming in my bones now( maybe that is what is different?). 

I am struggling ,there is no doubt . And therefore your post about breaking through Fear is most timely. Through experience ,I know it's perhaps possible to cross the mountain of Fear that has come up for me . But that is not my current reality at all. I am also feeling into what feels like several lifetimes worth of abandonment . That too is anything but fun . I am coming up for air intermittently ,but for the most part I am drowning as consciously as I can muster . 

Yesterday I did the Higher guidance meditation. To begin with it didn't feel like I could ever come the density and I didn't feel propelled at all. Then I saw how I was encircled by what looked like a circle of Angels ,guides?

A white haired man 'stepped in 'and said something ,I don't remember what but it was gently supportive .

It's back to the density for me. Though ,I could feel the beauty of the flowers today ! 

Lots of love to everyone especially you Marije. I will re read the chapter you mention  ,Open . Reflections are welcome !

Megha 

 

Reflection,suggestions are most welcome 

Open, thanks for your further insights about the pain body and Megha, thanks so much for tuning in, sometimes it is just comforting to know you are not the only one in the dumps! Not sure I have any reflections for you, as I am looking for more reflections myself too. Particularly on how to deal with this pain body, because at the moment I am finding it quite challenging to function in my 'normal' 3D existence, as there seems to be something else going on in my body that I have very little say in. At least over the weekend and yesterday I had most time for myself and was able to withdraw myself from the rest of the world, but today I spend a whole day in a training, whilst feeling the strangest things moving through my body and tomorrow morning I am traveling to Italy for a 3-day conference. Normally I am the first to be looking forward to any travel opportunity, but right now all I can think about is to just pull a big blanket over my head and hide in my bed until I feel a bit more sane again....

It all feels so strange that I am not even sure how to explain what is going on, very strange and intense headaches, feeling like there are (too!) strong waves of energy moving through my body, weird sensations/movements in the area of my lowest chakras, sometimes with feelings of nausea, all sort of strange aches all over my body, strange flickering in the corner of my eyes/vision, sometimes feeling I really have to make an effort to not start stumbling/falling over words when I speak, needing much more effort than normal to concentrate on following a conversation, my body feeling super heavy (I did the bow meditation yesterday and really felt like I wouldn't be able to come back up again), etc. etc. I am there with it mostly, but it is not at all easy and I can really feel the part of me that wishes it to ease at least a bit!

So any insights welcome, but also sharings from anyone else who might be in the dumps too is always useful as a reflection or to support each other! 

Dear Marye,

I hear you and most importantly ,I feel all your emotions that you have written about . The last 4-5 days have been brutal. Started with me feeling waves of energy coming out from the heart to my palms . And feeling a general sense of It don't want to be here. We are definitely on the same telepathic level because in the past two days ,I am trying to get everyone to 'wake up '. Sharing newspaper articles and write ups on the immediacy of climate change . On Sunday I roused myself out of feeling totally hopeless and went to speak to media people on how air pollution has to be the number one election issue in my town .( And it isn't - we live in the most polluted city in the WORLD!!!) . 

A few days ago ,while meditating I had a very interesting experience . I actually 'saw' how our attachments are the scaffolding around which our energy makes a structure that we called our lives. I also 'saw' the wounded dragon you have spoken of before. It is an energy that sits around the solar plexus for me and for the first time I felt it as not my own ( sorry if that sounds convoluted) . I haven't gotten down to either transmitting it or working with it yet. Just saying I finally know what you are talking about . 

I am ,like you Marye ,extremely down in the dumps. I can feel there are these cords of energy that I have been avoiding and resisting feeling around by heart and throat. I can see how this is multidimensional energy cords made up if grief and abandonment and other fun stuff 😄.  Today I have decided I am going to occupy this area ,no matter what . 

Wish me luck !! Reflections welcome.

Megha

The pain body is a phrase that others have used (like Eckhart Tolle) and I've felt to use more recently. It's interrelated with the causal body. So the causal body contains the source karma, which then also manifests through the mind and emotional bodies. The collective forms like an energetic cage which is interrelated with the sense of identity. You then reach a transition point - a breakdown point - where enough soul has infused to challenge the governance of the identity. As painful as it is, it's a good sign!

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Open,

Yes, a 'giving up' feeling is what it feels like my body is at, it doesn't really seem to want to move forward nor backward at the moment.... Forgive me my ignorance, but could you say a bit more about what you mean by pain body? Is that the same as the 'causal body'? 

Heart

 

Hi Marije,

I would say you're having a pretty full on confrontation of the 'pain body', and that enough soul has integrated so as to stop automatically giving in to its cravings. Hence the kind of 'giving up' feeling - I sense a giving up of the old ways. My encouragment is to keep feeling through, keep unwinding through, keep surrendering.

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

The past few days I have been feeling strange, though I am not exactly sure how to describe it or what to write about it. In some ways it feels as if my body has gone into some kind of shutdown mode, where it feels heavy and moving it costs a lot of effort. So I have spend the most part of the past three days lying on the couch not feeling motivated to get up and do anything unless absolutely necessary (and I do notice that there is some self-judgement involved about spending my days mostly 'doing' nothing). My head has been feeling particularly heavy and I have also been having strange headaches and pressures around my forehead and if I close my eyes I seem to quickly drift off to somewhere else (not sure where to though). When I try to tune into my (fore)head I can feel a connection with something in my abdominal area (not sure if it is solar plexus or sacral). Also, there seems to be quite a bit of energetic activity going on in my back, particularly the upper part and if I tune into that I can sometimes feel a lot of heat.... I have no idea what is going on (is this some implant or entity messing around, karma being processed, new energies coming in or what?), so reflections from anyone who recognises what I shared, would be welcome.

P.S. Just after posting this message I have also become aware of a strange aching in my legs... 

I would say the crucial thing about diet, is not to see it as something separate from spiritual development. What do I mean by this? If there is a physical ailment, or any physical disharmony with diet, it will have a spiritual misalignment cause. As the soul fully integrates with the body, the two come into harmony - notwithstanding the impact of the intervention, but even those effects are mitigated as the soul progressively infuses.

So if there's some kind of problem, the key is to explore into that with awareness - if you feel some kind of pain and discomfort with eating disorders, then bring them fully into awareness and ask "show me". It will take time, and there will likely be many complexities to work through - but my experience is that they do unravel.

I know that it is possible to live completely on light, and to maintain a reasonable weight (but without excess body fat, which becomes unnecessary). However it's not a diet that would get you there - rather the progressive spiritual development of which diet is a very important part.

So my advise is to use the disharmony as a direction in which to explore...."show me!" The answers will surely come.

Wishing you well

Open

Hi Open, 

Thanks much for your insight and your care ❤️ Like every time it was helpful . I feel I have burst a bubble here which was ready to starve myself for spiritual development. You could call this spiritual anorexia if you like. Really I think I was trying to avoid the physical discomfort from eating without hunger as I have a very low appetite. I was also trying to follow intermittent fasting whenever I could and a vegan diet. I feel I have to pick up my appetite and put on some weight. I wonder how you could maintain the body weight on OMAD plan. Today for a change I had some fish and diary and felt a lot of discomfort. But I doubt if its worth going back. I don't think I have any emotional or mental reaction but physical pain. I meditated a lot today and it can alleviate the pain. I feel I can accept it even though the pain is still there. I know intermittent fasting is no longer plausible at least till I put on some weight. 

Vimal

Vimal 

Hi Vimal,

It sounds like you're having a powerful exploration - do be clear in your own guidance about the best approach forwards.

Many of these physical symptoms will have karmic roots. What if, for example, this was the karma of starvation in a past life? I can imagine you'd get such physical emotional reactions. The key is not to starve yourself this time! But to feel into the issues as they come up, and to soften - especially unwind - through them.

I've seen all manner of deep physical symptoms cured by getting into and releasing the karmic attachment.

In loving support

Open Praying Emoji

Hi Marije,

I certainly empathise with your challenges Marije. I have been having digestive disorders and constipation for some months now and it's very challenging. Everytime I eat out of proportions I have intense pain in my base and emotional chakra. As open suggested maybe it's inviting me to get out of the intellect and put attention to the base. It's even more difficult when I don't have the answers to why I'm having it. My weight has reduced over the months to the point that if I loose any more weight i would certainly resemble Christian bale on the Machinist Smiling With Sweat Emoji. I think it revealed itself when I started intermittent fasting. Its challenging to maintain a healthy diet when my weight is reducing day by day.  In initial stage the tendency was to use the intellect to fix the problem without accepting it fully. I researched frantically and tried all sorts of things the spiritual part of me wanted to do like sauerkraut, probiotics, kefir etc. At one point the efforting died naturally and I simply knew I had to go to the nearest Ayurveda hospital with my issue..I'm not expecting the medicines to heal me but they are very useful in alleviating the pain and providing a safe ground for the body to align itself. At least that's how I see it. Like you I don't plan to take antibiotics though the urge is overwhelming at times. 

With love and support

Vimal Heart

 

Hi Marije,

Firstly, I feel for your discomfort Heart

A couple of things jump out - firstly the infection brings your attention right down to the pubic bone. I would say there's been a tendency to be much more active on the plane of the intellect. So an illness like this, will be inviting embodied right down into the base, by surrendering into the pain - essential not to 'think' your way out of it. Especially that kind of illness I imagine invokes all manner of emotion. It's so important then to allow the feelings as much as possible.

Secondly, the urinary tract speaks of clearing/cleansing of energy. So making sure your fully flushing your energy field. When you do the breakthrough meditation, or the Torus one, then make sure the descending flow is being felt right down into and through the base. This feels important and like it's being flagged up.

No worries - you'll work through.

Open Praying Emoji

After what I wrote earlier this week about falling sick after coming back from Africa, the cold symptoms meanwhile mostly cleared up relatively quickly. But the urinary infection that I am hoping to clear without antibiotics is still there and seems to be getting worse, today I spend more time on than off the toilet. And other than the constant urge to pee, since today I am having these stabbing pains around my pubic bone. 

I always get very challenged by physical discomfort and find it very hard to 'surrender' to and be ok with it. Usually all my attention becomes focused on finding a way to resolve the discomfort. So also in this case I have already spend a fortune on natural supplements for urinary infections and am spending a lot of my time browsing the internet for information on how to cure urinary infections naturally. While in the back of my mind I am already busy deciding how long I am going to let it simmer on before consulting a doctor, who is probably going to prescribe antibiotics, and whether I am willing to take the antibiotics or not. 

At the same time, my mind gets busy analysing what the underlying reason for getting the urinary infection could be, but easily gets wound up in that. Is there some karma here that needs to be processed? Is there an overkill of unprocessed emotions passing through my bladder causing the infection? Does it have something to do with loosing control (over when to pee)? etc. etc. 

I know all of this doesn't necessarily help, but I guess it distracts me from the discomfort. I am doing my best to stay and be ok with it, but finding it very hard not to get attached to the need for it to go away and to understand why I manifested this! 

If anyone has any guidance on how to work with the manifestation of illness or infections at a deeper level and how to become more surrendered with it, I would very much appreciate.....

Heart

 

Hi Open,

Thanks for your feedback! The analogy I keep on getting about coming back to Europe from Africa is of an open blossoming flower, that is closing down its petals again. With regards to the flu-like symptoms, I am aware that it is a lot more appealing for my ego to think that I am letting go of something, than feeling resistance to where I have landed. Because being honest about the resistance to being back in the Netherlands (not sure how that resistance then causes flu symptoms though) means having to look into that.... Which tends to bring me back to an old cat and mouse game of the mind about whether I have to first fully work through this resistance and become completely ok with being in the Netherlands, before moving elsewhere, or whether the resistance is showing me that it is time to move elsewhere, though this could be an easy way to move away from the resistance and never full work through it (which used to be my strategy in the past, moving abroad and in that way away from the resistance). At the same time there is a lot of guilt and self-blame around the resistance, particularly in relation to my family, which is the part that is trying to tell me that it isn’t all that bad and to convince me of all the positive things of being here. Something about being selfish and letting people down, but also about being on my own without support.... Interestingly I can also feel resistance about confronting the resistance Slightly Smiling and coming up with excuses not to....

And yes, I can definitely feel the EU being more controlled and dense than Africa! I reckon that all the stuff that seems to be going on around my head must be grey energy preying on this fresh flower coming from Africa? I wonder why this is also why I feel like a flower shutting down, to be less exposed to all this grey energy?

Other than that you wrote:

to focus more on the metaphor and synchronistic interplay in the external - so there's a tendency to take on less energy

I am not sure I am getting what you mean here, particularly how that results in taking on less energy, could you elaborate a bit more on this? 

Heart

Hi Marije - sounds like you're having a fair old challenge there! Heart

It's bound to feel different when you switch from an energy field such as Africa to Europe - especially the EU feels very dense and controlled to me - quite a lot of grey energy. So it will take time for your field to adjust and normalise in that. The flu symptoms would indicate letting go of something or else feeling resistance to where you've landed - something to explore.

Of course with the Openhand work I travel a lot, so I know exactly what you mean about travelling through airports and on planes etc. For me, it's essential to keep a good deal of internal focus as I travel, but also to focus more on the metaphor and synchronistic interplay in the external - so there's a tendency to take on less energy. It does take a lot of practice though! Activating the Spirit Light Body helps enormously - we'll explore that in the upcoming work.

With love

Open Praying Emoji

Having just come back to Europe from Africa, I have a question about long-distance travel and energy fields, which I realise I already asked here about a year ago, but at the time nobody responded to. This is what I wrote then when I just came back from Burkina Faso:

I realise that I have frequently fallen ill just before or after traveling long distance across continents in the past. Today I can also feel that internally there is a lot of energetic shifting going on that is difficult to contain and feeling a little crazy (I imagine in the past when I was less aware of all the energetic stuff going on, I would have been physically ill by now). I guess airports and air travel are already a little straining on the system, but I am just wondering what the impact is of moving from quite different energy fields (e.g. Africa vs. Europe) on our system? Like, am I now processing some of the stuff that I might have picked up in Africa, or is my system rather readjusting itself to the European vibe? Also when I went to Burkina Faso things felt quite turbulent internally for about 2-3 days and after that I felt fine, so I am imagining the same thing is now happening in reverse? I would be interested to hear your perspective on this and perhaps your own experiences with all the traveling that you do.

This time I seem to have picked up a urinary tract infection, with a constant urge to pee starting only a few hours after coming home and what feels like a starting cold today, apart from all the other crazy energetic stuff with loud ringing in my ears and strong pressures on my forehead. 

Any insights on the energetic impact of long distance travel and thus moving from one energetic vibe to a very different other one, would be welcome!

Heart

 

Wow Marije - a tremendous inquiry indeed. I'm sure you're resonating a note for many here.

Paradoxically, in my observation, it is not aiming to be perfect that succeeds. But rather being prepared to accept failure as an absolutely essential aspect of finding alignment in ones journey.

And are not all realities formed by a karmic judgment of reality? An exploration of some kind of distortion. And therefore its the constant pulling apart of the creation, the constant reordering, the constant 'failure' of the previous iteration that leads to alignment.

So failure is necessary.

But we'll likely receive heaps of judgment and projection by those around us when we get it 'wrong'. Because the egoic desire for security, heaps investment in that particular reality. So there always needs to be a scapegoat. Maybe you've been such a scapegoat in a past life?

Whatever, you clearly understand the necessity to go deep into the feeling sense of 'failure' and unwind that particular karmic knot - awesome. Praying Emoji

Sending heaps of loving support in that unfolding.

Finally, I've been exploring the character Elon Musk recently, he of SpaceX and Tesla, just to see what he's up to. I think he's quite an interesting character. And I think how he views 'failure', particularly in his rocket endeavours, provide a wonderful metaphor to the constant emergence of aligned soul...

Open HeartPraying Emoji

Above I have been exploring feelings of stagnation, boredom, restlessness and guilt in relation to an assignment that I am currently in Africa for. The explorations are still ongoing and yesterday it suddenly dawned to me that underneath those feelings explored above, there is a deeper feeling at the root of things, namely the fear of failure. I am somehow terrified to ‘fail’, or perhaps rather to be considered as a ‘failure’ by others (even though I mentally know this is all merely a perspective), particularly in my educational and professional activities. There are painful feelings about being ridiculed and abandoned for being a failure and feeling an outcast and lonely as a consequence that unconsciously I want to avoid experiencing again at any cost. So when things are stagnating and I don't have much to do on the assignment, the fear kicks in that I might be doing something ‘wrong’ and not be able to deliver what is expected in the end, which makes me restless/nervous and feeling guilty looking for ways to avoid ‘failure’ (or perhaps I should rather say being considered as a failure by those who gave me the assignment).

Fear of failure is a very familiar theme to me and one that I usually prefer to avoid (by trying to please and be ‘perfect’), but I hadn’t realized that it was under the surface of the other feelings that were arising in relation to this assignment. There are so many aspects to explore here, but one of them is that when I am finding myself with an assignment that is not very clear like at the moment and then when I try to clarify I get a lot of diverging perspectives, I somehow find myself lost in trying to ensure how to do the job right/please those who gave me the assignment and avoid failure. Internal panic is what arises with this and desperately looking for ways to resolve the situation.

Another challenge that I face around the fear of failure is that the standards that I put for myself to avoid failure are typically much higher than what is reasonably expected from me, so even when others are already happy with my performance I am still busy trying to achieve my own unreasonably high standards, again just to as much as possible rule out any room for 'failure'.

At the same time, I am constantly looking for reassurance from those around me that what I am doing is ok and needing that reassurance to be able to value my own achievements (even when it comes to facilitating!), though usually this is only short-lived and dries up quickly, until I am in the need of more reassurance to replenish my sense of self-worth. As I am writing this, I realise how my fear of failure is mostly in relation to others and how they respond to/judge me, rather than that it has much to with what I actually do or achieve.

Right, so enough talking now, I guess it is time to go inside and feel what the fear of failure exactly feels like in every cell of my body ….. If only I could relinquish some of my fear of failure, my life could be so much easier!

Heart

Hi Open,

Thanks for your reflections on this! It is hard not to immediately ‘strategize’ on opening into higher densities as a way of making things speed up in 3D J. It can be so delicate when I resonate with something to not immediately take ownership of it and adopt it into a strategy to achieve a particular outcome (in this case to get things to move faster in 3D)!

I often feel a lot of strong and forceful energy looking for an outlet, so when there is no outlet for this energy (e.g boredom), it can get quite uncomfortable and I become very restless/impatient, like a pressure cooker not being able to release steam. Just this morning when I woke up I could feel a lot of strong energy inside looking for a way out, as if it would take running at least 2 full marathons to get rid of some of this excess energy!

Heart

Hi Marije,

I'd say boredom is a big one for many people to overcome - especially as society is so over stimulating of the senses. What you said here stood out particularly...

boredom is a big trigger for me and it is directly linked to the sense of stagnation that I talked about above

I totally get this one - the feeling of stagnation, where everything seems to be moving slowly, and the higher dimensional 'expectation' is for things to respond more swiftly to one's consciousness.

What i realised in myself, when I've experienced similar, is that I was holding an unconscious judgment at the level of the intellect - I was inadvertently measuring change against what my eyes were seeing in the 3D, and then mind quickly formed judgments about that, which i had to interrupt and let go of.

Instead, when things slowed in the 3D, I used it as an opportunity to soften and watch the subtle inner interplays with the higher densities. It is 'slower', yes, but in doing so, paradoxically, I find it speeds things up in the 3D.

Open Praying Emoji

I am still at my second home in Africa at the moment and my stay here is providing lots of triggers and inquiries. Whenever I am thinking of sharing something here, there are too many related and unrelated themes that I don’t know where to start and where to stop and end up not sharing at all. So let me try and share about one of the themes that relates to what I already shared above about stagnation as well as a passage that spiked for me in one of Open’s recent articles:

Take boredom for example. People constantly do things so as to avoid boredom. But boredom is only lack of full attentiveness to the moment. The condition of boredom depends on ones unconscious adherence to a falsehood - that of existence of linear time, and then an enslavement by it. How can you be truly bored, if you're fully engaged in the one moment of now, where all time ceases? 

With the assignment that I am here to do still not really moving forward (well actually the people around me seem to think it is moving forward and I have already done 90% of the task, even though I spend my days here sitting around doing nothing most of the time), made me realise that boredom is a big trigger for me and it is directly linked to the sense of stagnation that I talked about above. When I get bored, or perhaps I should say when I have ‘nothing to do’, I become restless and impatient and start looking for things to do/distractions to fill up the sense of emptiness as well as guilt that the boredom creates. It often feels like there is all this energy that is looking for an outlet getting clogged up inside, creating tightness. Boredom is also linked to a sense of loneliness somehow; right in the middle of the boredom I can feel very alone. I can see how in that moment of boredom I am indeed disconnected from and not fully attentive to the moment. It feels like the boredom brings me right to the edge of the Void, and my instinctive response is to seek distractions to run away from there…..

Heart

Hi Marije,

As Open mentioned, you are being gifted with the opportunity to process your feelings, maybe some karma.  In a way, you are already writing a report with these postings.  

Sometimes, I feel as you by being paid for doing my own explorations.  To me, that is a gift and I am deeply grateful for that.  Things as they should be and will shift when it is right.  Quite recently at work I was implementing a piece of code trying to get it perfect and ended up going in circles and then I realized there is a truth behind the distortion.  In this case, the aspect of the soul that longs for harmony and perfection.  I realize that our 3D reality is not perfect and was never meant to be perfect.

Wishing you well with your explorations!

Anatoly

Hi Open,

Thanks for your feedback! Rationally I follow what you are saying and had already perceived it that way myself, that I my work might be at an other level than the actual assignment, yet at a deeper level there is a tightness around it. As I was reading your response, GUILT and self-blame is what was coming up and interestingly when I searched this thread with my ponderings, I realised that it is not the first time the issue of guilt has come up here:

‘I can see there is also a link here to my tendency to ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’, because there is an unconscious conviction as well as a sense of guilt that I can’t just ‘be’ there on the beach, while all these starfish around me dying, and ‘do’ nothing.’

‘So, I was asking myself what is the worst thing that can happen if no words/ideas come through and could then feel the incredible tightness around the answer ‘the report will never be written’. Oh my, there is some deep guilt and shame related to not delivering the report, which almost feels like a crime to be followed by capital punishment...’ 

I will have to explore this guilt deeper.... As I am writing this the image of a whip/being whipped endlessly is coming up strongly and my body tightening up in the process. I am sitting here in a small office with 6 people around me that are discussing work, quite interesting to observe being able to feel into the above in under these circumstances... I might need to contain some of this for later.

I can feel there is probably a different way that I can act in the current situation to get things moving, yet I don’t know how and my mind is probably too much trying to troubleshoot and find a ‘solution’, rather than letting things flow and arise naturally..... 

Exploration to be continued.......

Heart

Hi Marije,

Interesting conundrum. I would say to remember there's always a truth at the heart of the distortion. So work on the distortion of stagnation, certainly yes - the apparent need to be productive. Work to unravel that. Also to look at how you might use the time for other things - maybe your own exploration. The Universe could be gitfting you the time. Who says that just because you're 'working for someone', that means you are meant to work for them and not the universe.

But also, maybe there's something you can do and say, in a different way, that cuts to the heart of the problem and gets things moving. Could you for example give a presentation to the managers/leaders on why things aren't working?

So I'd say there are different ways of looking at it. And always, each possibility will invite the expression of a new aspect of being - the emergence of a new ray of consciousness.

Great exploration!

Open Praying Emoji

There is something that I wanted to share here and earlier today there seemed to be a lot of clarity about it, but then as soon as I sit down to write it down here, it stagnates. And as I am writing the latter, I realise that perhaps ‘stagnation’ is the key word related to my sharing. I am currently in my second home in Africa, where I used to live before, for a work assignment for 2 months. The assignment that I am here for entails quite a bit of politics between people with strong egos and therefore there is no clear direction how to move forward, only conflicting directions supported by the different egos, nor what my task in it really is. In order to resolve this situation certain institutions/people need to get on board to agree on a way forward, but they are difficult to get hold off and things tend to move slowly here. As a consequence, I am finding that even though I am being paid a decent daily rate for this assignment, there is not that much to do for me right now, e.g. stagnation, mostly beyond my control. For the past week this has been quite a trigger and today I realised that even though I know the situation is beyond my control, I somehow still feel responsible for it and feeling guilty about being paid for doing nothing: that I haven’t approached things the right way, that I have failed to understand the situation well enough to know what to do, that I haven’t pushed hard enough, that I didn’t meet the right people, that my facilitation skills aren’t capable of dealing with the strong egos, etc. etc., constantly searching for things that I could do to break through the current stagnation (as I am writing this I realise I am also writing an internal mirror to myself....). Whereas others might embrace the excuse for not doing much and enjoy it, I end up beating myself up and getting very tight over it. Today there was a bit more surrender and lightness to the situation, but I can feel there is more to be explored here about stagnation, control, responsibility and guilt.

Heart

Hi Margaret,

Thanks for your reflections! It resonates somehow, but I am not sure how to best to respond at this point. The internal currents are a little bit all over the place at the moment and so are my thoughts.... Interestingly though, pretty much concurrently with posting my message here, my right ear blocked and has been clogged up since, causing an interesting sense of unbalance in my body. I have been pondering about what the synchronicity of that might be in relation to irreversible loss.....

Heart

Marije

Marye, 

I deeply resonate with what you are saying and know others (myself included) processing similar experience. Might it be a part of yourself that you lost long time ago, perhaps a connection to yourself that is not there anymore? There is nothing other than the original that can fill that space. To heal it naturally would be to hold space for the emptiness and allow the original energy to return, if it's right and proper. Filling it with anything external will possibly bring about a sense of unfulfillment, so why not keep it open and clear? 

Perhaps the sense of loss has brought you a unique wisdom and doesn't need to be reversed? With the reversal you'd loose that invaluable insight that you have now. Perhaps it is time to allow for more integration and reconnection to the fullness of who you are, if that is your choice. 

With love.

Margaret