Dear Openhanders,

I am writing this to mark a realisation I have had recently had after what feels like a long time in both this lifetime and others. I also write this because this may link up to many other stories or impressions that others may be having at the same time .( It has taken me 2 months to write this ,so strong has been the resistance to acknowledging this publicly. )

I have over the last 2 years become increasingly aware of my karma. I went through feeling into lifetimes of pain and hurt from the patriarchy . I ,in a female body had always been at the receiving end of trauma ,pain and betrayal in different forms. In South Africa ,I saw clearly a spear piercing through my body on the left side of my heart as I started to push back against the control system and that is a deep hurt and pain that I was only recently able to feel entirely. 

During my first retreat, I found myself apologising to Marije and I have previously written about her experience of being in a AI controlled bionic suit . Further explorations later have found myself as the perpetrator - apparently I was part of the system of control that put people into bionic suits and separated the left half of the brain from the right possibly in Sirius  An affliction that is common to most of humanity . And as I am feeling into the rage as well as the feeling of my left side being trapped ( karma is a circle ) ,many many layers seem to make sense. One is the feeling of I need to do something to atone for this. Also the feeling of deep horror and shame at what I participated in. I can also see that all the important people in my life ,soulmate’s all ,have this as a primary wound. The inability to feel into the part of the brain that perceive oneness and emotional connection .  And suddenly the repeated reflections within many lifetimes makes sense.  These have not been easy experiences to feel through . My intellect likes to spiritually bypass and say that is the experience that each of us chose to have to feel the separation consciousness,I am blameless. But except for milliseconds worth of that perspective ,it hasn’t landed entirely for me yet .I still feel deep self directed rage and shame and grief often projected onto different “ others”. That I am working with .  I feel that my writing this piece and publishing it is an important part of my journey. 

Deep gratitude to Open ,Marije ,Margaret Jen ,Michelle ,Kevin and Fulvia that have helped me be with this karma.  There is a feeling of a circle completing itself even though I may have to feel into many many more layers  .

Deep regards to all those reading this. I hope my sharing ties some threads for you too. Reflections as always are welcome !
Namaste .