In reply to by Vimal V

Hey Vimal! Thanks for sharing your experiences! You mentioned vulnerability and I feel a lot of vulnerability in the way you share here on the site. I feel it takes vulnerability (not to mention courage) to say "hey, this is what happens for me, I don't maybe handle it so well every time" - to me there is tremendous growth when we our honest with ourselves about where we are getting hung up (as we all do). Then we can gradually bring in more awareness as the triggering events are unfolding.  

Since you shared here, I trust you are open to a reflection. If it doesn't resonate, you know the drill =).

You said, 

today i began my class by criticizing my students for not getting it properly despite my persistent effort. I see this gives a sense of control and importance." 

Yes, perhaps there is a projection of "not meeting the bar" (high expectation) despite your persistent effort...almost like "through my effort I can't do enough to get the reflection that I am seeking (importance? effectiveness? value?)".  So, yes we may then inquire and feel within what its like to feel ineffective, unimportant (or whatever energies arise for you).  I do feel there's a point when we recognize that all this effort will never get us what we truly yearn for. 

Does your expression need to create a particular reflection (result in the world)?  If so, I can relate. For me, it came up around cooking for my family.  I would prepare a vegan, flavorful, nourishing meal and feel so much love and connection in the creation of it all and then the family would receive it with "ughhh, what IS this?" as they picked around it with their forks. All the love and connection I felt in the creation would drain away as I got hooked into needing them to receive the meal a certain way. I was looking for confirmation of my own value in how this set of people received it. The key for me was recognizing how I felt in the creation, and witnessing the feedback loop from other places (like an email from a friend asking for a recipe or telling me how much they enjoyed the cooking).

In addition, another key was to inquire how I was being invited to innovate the expression for greater receptivity. Vulnerability (as you pointed out) may be the key here - a sense of openness and surrender. I've learned it's natural to watch for the effectiveness/alignment of your expression in the external world. This gets distorted into needing a paritular result from the world that will give a sense of ourselves we feel we lack.  Is there a chance that there is a fixed way of going about it that in the past has provided a desired outcome? Perhaps there is an invitation to innovate the way of expressing? It sounds like you are touching on this in the next part. 

You said, 

half way through the class I made a complete mistake in solving a problem and all I wanted to do was hide or avoid it and that’s what I did. But i have also observed that in admitting my inadequacy, mistakes and being vulnerable in other similar situations, it relaxes me down and opens up a connection with them. It is like giving them permission to be the same."

This is awesome! It feels like you are touching into building a bridge through an okness with making mistakes - I imagine this opens up a greater openness to explore and take a risk as they are learning - feels like a greater sense of playfulness in the learning as well. 

I too take a while to post what I will share...I feel there is something aligned about finding the expression that has that sense of rightness inside. There is nothing wrong with that to me. At some point though, I also feel it can become over efforted to avoid "making a mistake" - which I am coming to see is often the only way we can recognize some of the sticky points inside. <3

Much love to you and thanks for sharing!

Jen