In reply to by Vimal V

 

Hey Vimal!

Thanks for sharing! I will reflect back what came up as I read your message. I can relate (I believe) to a lot of what you are sharing. Not that I have it all worked out by any means, but can reflect somethings as a perspective. =) 

How do you feel about the idea that we draw everything to us to show us something about ourselves? If it's something you resonate with, then would you see your experience of your job as something that refelcts your inner experience (including any conditioning)?  Even if there are external rules, expectations, reward, how do you feel when you consider that this particular set of circumstances might be something that you are drawn to for a reason? Perhaps to feel the pressure of the conditions and feel how it causes you to be? Perhaps you touch the experience of these conditions so that you may touch the unconditioned and the limitless? Perhaps these are a reflection of conditions you have become identified with (and valued, or for which you have been valued)? As I know you are aware, it is in feeling the conditions that you can unravel the limiting identification (need, attachment, expectation) and be open to what the moment invites of you. A key question I find myself asking when invited to bridge how I feel to be within an environment that feels rigid is “how can I be me here?” That question alone and the will/surrender to be me in the environment has caused my entire reality to shift to more accurately reflect who I am. That took time but it did happen and most importantly, I found aspects of myself that weren’t coming through when I was meeting the external expectations (which only reflected my own internal belief systems etc).  I have very often "over respected" the rules to the point of conformity...it's something I have to keep working with...to determine who I am in it and how I navigate it without being limited by it. 

 What also comes up when I read your question is...where are the rules limiting how you express yourself? And how do these outer rules/expected ways of being (the ones you are asked to meet in your job) reflect an inner conformity to a set way of doing things that maybe has worked in the past/given you something (and isn’t now)?   You describe a feeling of intense anxiety before some classes, especially when you are unsure which way to proceed. I assume you know the material that you are teaching, so it is not the content you are uncomfortable with. You said you feel it is the fear of the unknown. So perhaps discomfort in being unscripted in each moment (still covering the material - but how? with what energy?) And how you might navigate the challenging and unpredictable behaviors and receptivity of the class, yet still meet the established goals. You mention boundaries and to me that is a huge one! How do you feel about establishing that and what does that mean to you? In my experience with anxiety, it has been of utmost importance to establish boundaries. For me this begins with maintaining a sense of connection to myself in all circumstances - not riding the waves of the environment I am in without being solidly in my own ship.  From there, I feel establishing external boundaries comes with more ease. Also key is what you said about being open to feeling it all. So, just welcoming the inner experience in it’s totality. Letting it be there completely AND in that something will come (or not!) YES! I have found it can be awkward, in particular in front of a group of people waiting for you to say something - but this is the situation that pushes the buttons and applies the heat and pressure to “create the diamond”. How much I have wanted to work out the anxiety internally while I am alone, but in the end, I eventually have to meet the energy in the moment it’s arising. It definitely helps though to contain the energy when needed, gain insight and deepen awareness around it all and meet the energy as much as possible when alone. It seems to allow a more full and maybe more graceful meeting of the crux moments. =)  

The word “weakness” stands out in your sharing. Maybe there is a judgement of oneself for having an experience of ineffectiveness?  It’s a fine line I feel. To surrender into the feelings, yes as an experience but once you have become as one with it, remember it is not who you are. 
 
Thank you so much for the inquiry as it has taken me deeper into reflective experiences.
 
Much love,
Jen