Following the Paradigm Shift intensive in Brighton a month ago, I’m continuing to process & integrate my experiences from that.

I'm getting over my cold, but in the last 24 hours I’ve been getting some more lower back ache, which for me signifies anger from a long time ago that I’m stubbornly holding onto.

As I’ve shared before, I have huge difficulties & issues with unforgiveness, of others & of myself, & a tendency (or even an addiction) to holding onto resentments, emotional pain or other “negative” feelings.

Writing that out just makes me feel worse. It intensifies my emotional & physical pain, & starts bringing up anxiety that I’m never going to get better, never going to get well, never going to be free of this negativity & pain.

When in such feelings, I want to lash out at others, to hurt others or to hurt myself, to blame others or to blame myself, & I start having feelings of hatred towards others, the world & myself.

I’m scared of these feelings of hatred. I’ve heard that hatred is a corrosive emotion & that it’s best not to focus on it or to allow it too much. I’m scared that if I allow myself to feel my hatred I will become consumed by it & will lose my capacity to love.

The Openhand model talks about softening into feelings, rather than trying to drop them like hot coals. If I was to soften into my feelings of hatred, that would take me to a dark, vengeful, destructive place.

I’m now getting images from World War 2, in particular the battles between the Nazi army & the Soviet army, where there were massive amounts of hatred, destruction, reprisals, slaughter of civilians & a “scorched earth” policy on both sides. Hitler & Stalin hated each other immensely. They were each other’s nemesis.

I sometimes don’t understand why I’m so full of hatred & what to do about it. I’m not sure whether to try to stay with these feelings of hatred some more, or to consciously move away from them, to focus on love, gratitude or more “positive” thoughts & feelings.

Comments & suggestions welcome.