In reply to by Open

 

Hi Open,

Thanks for the questions. Yes it's most definetly karma - probably persecuted in a past life for a sexual expression, forced against my will or something like that

In this life time I experience the karma as conditioning from parents, my mother mostly and our culture in general. I was told from an early age not to fall for a girl or somethibg bad might happen. My sexuality and self pleasuring was shamed. So I kept shoving it in in order to avoid judgement. I'm afraid to openly express my feelings, needs and love to my parents. I can't definetly blame them because I have heard from the stories that she was conditioned even more intensively by her mother. So the blame wouldn't end anywhere.

I see the universe has perfectly crafted the right situations in my life to experience these constrictions now. Here you either don't talk to each other or you get married. Anything in between is met with disapproving look.  I'm afraid of the sexual movement because I'm afraid of hurting the other person, giving false hope. So if the movement doesn't have any future why express it at all. It would have undesirable consequence like taking away my freedom. There is also attaching to physical form, perfectionism etc.

I had a dream yesterday in which I'm travelling through air in a chair. I kept avoiding the various bolder and breaking down many barbed fences when they stood in my way. I finally reach a house and I'm thinking how to stop this journey. It comes to mind that I don't have to because it's just a dream. And I wake up. My first thought was that the fences might be boundaries im violating. But I think it might be the various conditioning that I'm breaking down inside and I don't have to stop at all. Because it's all an illusion anyway!

Another intriguing and unusual thing happened today. A relative came to visit who was always disapproving of my ways from the beginning. He was telling my apparent in the other room that I must be taken for consultation and he would arrange for it. I was meditating in my room and my heart kept beating wildly. I kept breathing and opening into it and could really only feel love for them who has come together in various ways to provide me with this opportunity of karmic exploration. I don't know if I have broken through the pain but I feel light and relaxed now. This relative kept saying in the conversation that I need to convince others that I'm right!! I guess he was trying to prove himself right. I was laughing inside remembering what you said - "being you might rattle the cages of those around you". Well I agreed to visit the psychiatrist or consultant, it would be fun. But I hope I don't get injected with anything against my will! 😁

Thanks for reading
Lots of love ♥️🙏
Vimal