Dear friends,

I chose this thread to post this sharing, because it directly relates to the poem I shared above - TURNING POINT. After I released the poem, I really wanted to write back and thank you all for your sweet and encouraging responses, but I literally couldn't. It was as if an invisible hand grabbed my throat from behind and put a muzzle over my mouth. I found myself falling headfirst into the Abyss of Dark Silence where even if I could voice a sound - nobody would hear me.

The story below is what transpired for me in the days right after the "Turning Point"

THE CONFESSION OF A SURRENDERING SHADOW

I stood at my window looking out over the palette of grey shades that stared mercilessly at me. Even the weather nodded in heavy agreement, reflecting back to me all the greyness I carried inside. The mist was so thick it was hard to breathe and I began to feel that old familiar feeling from my past depressions - when I hadn’t just lost the will to speak, but completely lost my will to live.

As I looked out at the 3D landscape I have shaped, pondering my perceived uselessness in this world I suddenly became aware of an energy standing right next to me. It was distinctly familiar. Could it be…? Yes, it was  - My very own Shadow - a tight passenger I have sensed so many times but never been able to grasp or distinguish as separate from me.

“Ah, there you are” I said, acknowledging its presence. The Shadow instantly spoke back, in its usual manner, with the same words I have heard so many times thinking they were my own...

- Look! Just look at what you have created! You have achieved nothing!
All your dreams and aspirations have amounted to a grey mass of absolutely NOTHING!

It was referring to my feeling of having failed in the 3D life. Having from an early age built an arsenal of potential achievements that were going to protect me against my own lack of self-worth, I was now watching it all crumble into fragments of grey dust that could not be positioned on any tangible scale of measurement or award shelf.

I was actually a bit surprised to be back in touch with this feeling. I have spent the past few years consciously and willingly surrendering my 3D ambitions one by one and I have felt awesomely OK with that. In fact it felt more like a relief than anything else. That’s when I saw the remaining ‘attachment’. It wasn’t about me. It was about my kids. It was about all the 3D things I wouldn’t be able to provide for my children. Because although I don’t need those things myself anymore, some part of me is still conditioned to believe they need to have it.

Coming from what may be considered a very unstable and dysfunctional background, I actually remember making this resolution with myself - that if I were ever to bring kids into this world, it would only be into the “right” circumstances. The right circumstances being a solid and ‘functional’ family unit, financial security, a nice home, a good supportive community of family and friends, strong values, etc. And I succeeded. I worked really hard, and I achieved ALL of that.

 

But then I Awakened

 

And now I see the perfect prison I painted myself into,
and I don’t know how to get out without ripping the canvas of my perfected masterpiece to shreds.

 

The painting is of course already torn apart. It doesn’t even really exist anymore, but the thing still poking at me is the discomfort of the nagging self-judgment in relation to my kids. Creating this life that I bore them into, and now breaking it all down. Because the way my soul is moving, there will be no more family unit, no house with a garden, no stable unshaken foundation, no unquestionable comfort and security. It is abundantly clear, I will not be able to provide for my children the way I promised myself I would, and that stabs like a knife through my 3D heart...

 

I turned towards my Shadow, looked it in the eye, and gently said...

-You’re right! I have achieved nothing. Everything I aspired to Be, have, or provide is but dry autumn leaves in the winter wind.
At this moment, from this 3D perspective, I am a complete failure.

How does that make you feel?

 

My Shadow seemed a bit annoyed at the question at first, but then it softened and answered sincerely

 

-It makes me feel a LOT of pain.

-I know. It’s painful for me too. Do you think you might want to show me where the pain comes from...?

 

The Shadow didn’t answer, but it leaned its head on my shoulder in silent acceptance, and for a few minutes we sat like that quietly together, both of us sunken down on the window sill feeling sad and DEFEATED...

From my window, I can see my daughter’s doll house. My 2-year old son - Mr Tornado - had attacked it again and it was a complete War Zone. Miniature furnishings scattered everywhere and tiny little people lying motionless on the ground outside... as if they were dead.

One of the victimised dolls, a male, caught my eyes and held them for a long time. I couldn’t stop looking at him because he looked just like my Soul Brother, who introduced himself to me just recently…Why was he lying there, dead?  Suddenly it was as if someone punched me in the stomach and I lost the sense of every solid bone in my body and literally just melted down from the window to the floor, where I lay motionless, just like Him.

 

I was on a battlefield. I wasn’t dead, but I wished I were. I had completely lost my will to live.

From where I lay I could see my dearest Soul Brother, lying lifeless on the ground a few meters away from me. I couldn’t see the others, but I knew the whole ground around me was filled with dead Soul brothers and sisters. Deaths that I was responsible for.

I had been tasked to LEAD this mission. It wasn’t just any 3D war or battle. It was a Star Soul mission of great significance, and I had not only failed the mission. I had failed all my brothers and sisters as well... AGAIN. My Soul Mate was lying there dead because of me and I could do nothing else but to slowly fall into the somber acceptance of once again having been completely and utterly DEFEATED...

 

For two days I lay on this battlefield, not wanting to get back up. There didn’t seem to be a point to anything. All this death and destruction. What was it all for?

On the third day though, something surprising happened. As I gazed over the battleground, suddenly everyone lying there jumped to their feet and smiled and laughed, as if I had just witnessed the end of a Shakespearean tragedy and now the curtains were being pulled up revealing elated actors ready to receive their applause. 

“Great! Another cosmic joke at my expense!”, I thought. However, the authenticity of the loving and compassionate smiles directed at me was so touching, I couldn’t help seeing the underlying message. That not only was this just another act in the great drama, but also that we each played our part in it. Just like a sole actor, even the lead, isn’t responsible for the entire play. In the same way, I didn’t need to carry the entire burden of our failed mission. In fact, I didn’t really need to carry the burden at all. There was no blame to be distributed. No fingers needing to be pointed. Just a bunch of merry Thespians ready to go have a pint together after a successful and gripping show.

 

*** ***

 

Reflections from the 'SHADY' side of the street:

 

Do I see this theme reflected in my present life? Indeed, I do.

- Being a strong Ray 1, but always avoiding or refusing leadership engagements .

- Not being afraid to take on fierce battles, but only my own and only alone. Never involving or ‘leading’ other people into them, and never wanting to be a part of some greater cause.

- Always feeling a strong resistance towards teaching, guiding, or being in a position where others may look up to me as some kind of provider of knowledge or guidance. The irony being that when I've actually reluctantly agreed to such a task, I've always found myself being quite good at it.

- Often taking a huge responsibility for the ‘whole’ (especially in family related situations), even if other people are equally involved. As if the ultimate responsibility to finding the solution always rests with me.

 

How might this relate to the situation with my kids right now?

To a great extent, being a parent is about being a guide, a teacher, a leader and a provider of some kind. But what if you’re not comfortable in that role? What if that exact task/challenge scares the bejeezus out of you?

I know guiding my kids through this Shift is not about giving them a beautiful house with a pretty garden and a perfect family to go along with it. But all those things certainly serve as great substitutes when you can’t quite tap into your own strength. When you don’t quite dare to fully rely on your own resources and innate leadership ability. If you haven’t quite succeeded in taking charge of your own life and your own true dreams, how can you lead or guide others there?

 

In conclusion, it occurrs to me now,  that I’m not really scared I won’t be able to provide my children with all those ‘fine’ things. I’m more scared I won’t be able to unlock that part of me that needs to be unleashed in order for me to be completely comfortable with the path I have chosen. But as the noise of my Shadow now slowly softens, I begin to rest in the fact that I trust my kids didn’t choose Me for all the 3D benefits I could bestow, but rather for the example I may prove to BE as I diligently work to unshackle the soulful VOICE of a SOARING SPIRIT.

 

*** ***

 

So I take my muzzle off now and finally say what I've wanted to say for so long - Thank you all for your kind comments and continuous generous support and encouragement.

Love,

Anastasia

 

Enjoy this cool and appropriate song by Laleh - DARK SHADOW

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npWnXwjxPLA