Hi everyone,

I'm not sure where to post this, but for some reason I keep being drawn to this thread. It's something about that question in the article at the top "Where is your loyalty?" that keeps pulling me back.

There are some sharings that are easier to write and post than others. This is not one of them. This is one of those that is birthed through many hours of painful labour and contractions, but nonetheless demands to see the light of day no matter how it will be judged or perceived. Funny, just last night I dreamt that I was pregnant, but couldn’t understand how it was possible since I hadn’t been intimate with anyone around the time of the conception…

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Shortly after the Easter retreat in Belgium, I wrote a sharing about one of the main things I took with me from the gathering. It was a deep feeling of purpose that also ended up being the written statement on a personal scroll we each took with us from the retreat.

Being a Mother in Acceptance of Her Higher Path

It’s a very profound and beautiful statement, and as I returned home, I was wondering what exactly it would mean for me - to be a mother in acceptance of her higher path? Well, it only took a few weeks before the first challenge would present itself.

When I got back from Belgium, my 2-year old son was showing clear signs of being affected by my absence, and ever since he has been exhibiting strong signs of separation anxiety from me. I don’t feel guilty about having been gone, but as I am soon due for another lengthy retreat – DIVINICUS, I have felt a lot of tightness about having to leave him again.

To intensify matters even more, a very special gift was offered to me that would test the commitment to my higher path even further. I received an invitation from Open to become a facilitator and join the Facilitator Summer School (as a newcomer), only 3 weeks after Divinicus – An opportunity I not only feel deeply honoured to receive, but also an opportunity that may not be available for quite some time in the future as there are none such (Beginners’) events being planned at the moment. Backed up with synchronicity, this feels like one of those offers my soul simply cannot refuse. But it also means a lot of time away from my son.

It has been quite a process for me, feeling into the right way to approach the situation. On one hand, not wanting to ‘abandon’ my son when he needs me, and on the other, feeling a clear invitation from the Universe to step into a new and what feels like an aligned and magical direction in my life and spiritual evolution. Needless to say, the perceived conflict has been causing me a lot of contraction and anxiety, and after much deliberation I finally just surrendered into asking the Universe the classic Openhand question – “Which is the right way to flow? Show me!”

What came to me was the memory of an old dream that I had many years ago when I was 28 and without children. I always carried a great reluctance towards having kids. Although I was always very good with kids, I never felt fully equipped to be able to provide what they needed as a parent. Not with all the troubles I experienced in my childhood, and how messed up I felt I was. It was a very powerful dream that moved me to the core, and it was my very first meeting with my SON...

 

I was a lot older and I was with a teenage boy - my son - at his school. My son was 14 years old. He had FAIR hair and BLUE eyes, which surprised me because I have dark hair and dark eyes and I never pictured myself with a blond child. It was also clear in my dream that this was my SECOND child. I didn’t see the first child but It was there in my knowing somehow. What also surprised me was that in my dream I had a deep strong well-established relationship with this boy. I knew him very well. I really had known him and been his mother for 14 years. There was a clear history between us.

I loved him deeply and we were very close. I had always been his closest friend and confidante. I was the one he came to for everything. In this particular scenario, we were at his school because he had wished to speak to another adult about some matter he was having. It was the first time he had asked to confide in someone else apart from me, and I was feeling emotional about it. He looked at me with his steady loving mature eyes and he gracefully said

“Mom, I love you very much but it is time for me to make my own way through life now...”

My heart exploded into a deep paradox of emotions. Feeling the incredible pain of separation, but at the same time that unquestioned unconditional love that just knows it has to let go. If I tried to hold on, then I wouldn’t be acting from that place of unconditional love and it would get distorted and turn into something else. I had to let go, and so I did. We hugged and I knew he still loved me just the same, even though now the nature of our relationship would change.

 

I woke up from that hug and I cried uncontrollably for a long time. I cried because he was REAL. Because I knew our relationship already existed somehow. And I cried because I deeply missed him.

That was the defining moment for me when I decided it was ok for me to have children. Through that experience I knew I could accept the role as a mother, because I knew I could do the two most important things as a parent - Love with all my heart... and Let go.

My son is the one who awakened me - exactly 14 years later - the same number of years that he was in the dream. After my Awakening, my son appeared in spirit and started guiding me through the beginning of my conscious spiritual journey. We had a lot of profound exchanges as he was preparing me and himself for his coming incarnation and once I mustered up some courage and I dared ask him
“How will I know it’s really You?”

“You will know me through my eyes. They will be Blue!”

And so he arrived - my SECOND child, with FAIR hair, and clear BLUE eyes - and when I looked into them… I knew.

 ... ...

 

So how does this old dream relate to the dilemma I’m experiencing today?

I always thought this dream represented a literal future situation that I would find myself in when my son or daughter would become teenagers and require more freedom. Then I would remember the dream and I would know the right approach as a parent. But the Universe and its expressions are so much more ingenious and multidimensional than that.

As I look into my 2-year old’s separation anxiety now, I’m beginning to see something I didn’t notice before. I see my own attachment to the idea of what a mother is supposed to be and my intense fear of letting this go – of changing – not the relationship with my son, but the relationship to myself and the lenses I view myself through. I also see karmic residue that dates all the way back to Sirius. But something else is also becoming visible. There is a gateway and a quantum leap through it. And on the other side, smiling at me, I see the bright wise blue eyes of my 14-year old son telling me…

Mom, I love you very much but it is time for YOU to make your own way through life now.”

 

The dream was not about me learning to let go of my children one day when the time would come. I already did that in the dream.

The dream was a gift from my son, letting me know, that when the time came for ME, it was ok for me to let myself go.

 

How can I show them how to fly, if I never unfold my own wings?

 

Anastasia