What an adventure the African safari to the retreat in Mozambique has been! I can’t believe that a week ago, I was still somewhere in South Africa exploring some curious stone circle and leaving some of my DNA on it Angel Halo! I somehow feel to say more about it, but it seems that no words would do justice to the overall experience… What was interesting though when I returned home is that the usual resistance against being in the Netherlands wasn’t there as strongly as usual and I was actually feeling quite upbeat, despite all sorts of strong energies moving internally, which already started on the plane somewhere above the Sahara. However, unfortunately I can feel that the feeling is slowly starting to wear off and I am sliding back into more ‘usual’ resistance patterns.

Then this morning I woke up from a dream and where I usually can’t remember anything of my dreams, this time I was still able to recall quite a bit of detail about the dream to write what I remembered down. I was dreaming of Africa… Actually in the dream I was at an Openhand retreat in South Africa and we were given a big piece of white paper and then the assignment to draw a kind of stretched out infinity shape on there and then to decorate it with drawings. Some of the other participants immediately draw the most beautiful artworks, whereas I was procrastinating to even put the infinity like shape down, remembering how drawing is one of the things I have never been good at and therefore never liked it. I was moving around somewhere in nature to find the right place to put my big piece of paper down to start drawing, but still my paper remained blank. For some reason the retreat continued in another town/venue and after a whole day moving around with the blank paper I end up checking into some very fancy 5 star hotel. The next morning I somehow end up in some formal conference in the fancy hotel and am surprised to find there are only white people in the room, which always makes me feel awkward in Africa. I manage to find my way out of the conference to go and look for the new venue where the Openhand retreat continues and from there I don’t remember what happened or I woke up…

As I was writing my dream down, some realisations of what it was about landed, particularly with regards to the big blank piece of paper and the feelings I used to have as a child about my (in)ability to draw (particularly how to translate what I could see in 3D into a flat 2D representation, never seemed to drop). It dawned to me that somehow the blank paper represents my life, that rather than expressing myself and drawing something on the blank canvas, I keep on procrastinating to do so, because I feel I don’t have the ability to produce anything beautiful on there, that I still need to better learn how to ‘draw’ first. Also in relation to putting my facilitation services out there, I can see how the paper mostly remains blank, because I feel I haven’t mastered the skills well enough yet, to start drawing. As I am writing this, I can feel the tightness around my inability to ‘draw’ my life’s expression and the frustration about the blank paper…..  

It is interesting how I could feel some aspects of the dream making sense, but as soon as I started writing it down and trying to make sense of it intellectually it all suddenly seemed less obvious than what it feels like. In some ways it feels similar to how the translation of a 3D object into a flat 2D representation in drawing never seemed to drop, that translating the feelings of what the dream represents into a linear story for another person to read, who didn't experience the dream themselves, doesn't seem to drop either. And as I am writing this, I am almost inclined to delete the whole post, which is starting to feel like just talking to myself, but I am going to leave it here nevertheless, who knows someone else might pick something up from it, if only the beautiful song/video below!