Open, thanks for your response to my message. Interestingly, I got very triggered by the last part of your post ‘just express, no matter what comes out!’, like being punched in the stomach somehow. And the immediate association/image that came up was that of an executioner, of being persecuted for expressing myself. I assume that I must have some karma around this that I rather avoid, because I could see how I started looking for distractions and coming up with excuses how dealing with it alone would be too overwhelming and why I would deal with the feelings that it was triggering later. Moreover, there was a sense of having been forced to watch the executions of others who expressed themselves as a way of instilling fear in people to keep them from expressing…. Somehow there is an enormous fear of being persecuted and tortured for self-expression and at the same time I can feel an enormous grief for all those who have been persecuted for expressing, as well as anger towards those who punish others for their self-expression. What dawned to me is that I have unconsciously created this self-critic to keep me ‘safe’, to keep me from expressing myself in a way that could lead to persecution or imprisonment. As I write this, I can already hear you say ‘life is not safe’, which I can make sense of with my head, but my body contracts with the idea and would like to continue believing that safety is possible…. 

Even just the thought of sitting in meditation with the sentence 'just express, no matter what comes out!' brings up enormous internal resistance and tightness and a sense of wanting to run and hide. A fear that seems to be deeply rooted in my veins....