Hi everyone,

Such interesting explorations! I’m really getting a lot out of reading all of them.

MEGHA! I am so moved by your sharing and I have so much I would like to say to you. We are connecting on so many levels right now, it’s blowing my mind! I really miss you!

 

OPEN – The whole Magdalene inquiry, including your response has triggered quite a wave in me. I’d like to share how it has flowed for me today.

I started my day by waking up from a very intriguing dream.
The dream revolved around an attractive man that I felt very drawn to and wanted to get close to. I went through a couple of social situations with this guy on a platonic level until finally we ended up on a couch together and kissed. It was a long, sensual, sweet and conscious kiss which felt unusual for a dream. The degree of consciousness that is.

When this incredible kiss came to an end though and our lips parted, the man was not a man anymore. Instead I was unpleasantly surprised to see a young woman sitting next to me whom I didn’t find in the least attractive. She had a cute face and short dark hair (like me) but she was grossly overweight and as I glanced at her with great discomfort, she could not avoid seeing the look of disappointment on my face.

She retreated back on the couch, looked at me with a sad expression and said “Why would you kiss me like that if you didn’t mean it?”
Behind her question was a whole history of feelings of unworthiness, being deceived, and countless situations where she had felt temporarily used and then discarded. As if she expected I couldn’t possibly love her or find her attractive just the way she was. 

The really interesting part is that both of us expressed some level of unconsciousness or delusion. I had no idea I was kissing her, since I was under the impression I was with a beautiful man, and she did not seem to know that I was completely unaware of her existence prior to the end of the kiss. So she assumed my expressed passion was a deception on my part to get some momentary pleasure from her. Needless to say it was an AWKWARD situation and it made me sad on so many levels. Sad for myself that my beautiful MAN was just a mirage and sad for her and her apparent lack of SELF LOVE.

When I woke up, I tried to stay with the dream in order to make sense of it. When I have clear poignant dreams like this I always try to explore the characters in my dream as potential aspects of myself. But I couldn’t really relate to this particular woman, mainly because of her physical appearance. I couldn’t see myself in her obesity. Also I felt a bit annoyed with her for revealing herself and ‘ruining’ my sweet fantasy. 

A few minutes after I got up from my dream, I saw Open’s reply to my question about distorted Magdalene energy. This passage spiked immediately…

 

“The distortion of the divine Magdalene comes when there's neediness involved in the giving. So from the place of lack of self love, the distorted sense of 'love' for self is taken by becoming the object of sexual desire. The energy presents as being exceptionally alluring - it works energetically to pull the divine masculine in, and then will try to bond around that forming reality constructs.”

 

…and I instantly knew my dream was related to this “lack of self love”. I just couldn’t really figure out how because even though the theme is abundantly familiar to me, I still couldn’t relate to this strange oversized woman.

I went about my day and the theme of my dream became a source of deep contemplation for me. I dove deep into this feeling of lack of self love, and before long I had this intense urge to comfort eat, which is something I rarely do these days but was a common occurrence throughout the greater part of my pre-awakened life. Ice cream has always been my preferred partner and suddenly, lo and behold, a tub of vegan Ben & Jerry’s magically appeared in my lap.

I was in full awareness of what I was doing and I swallowed each spoonful consciously to explore how it would make me feel. And Oh…My…God! As this cool soft smooth creamy substance glided all the way from my throat deep down into my abdomen, it felt like sweet LOVE itself slowly and softly caressing every inch of my being from the inside and out.

I actually allowed myself to enjoy it, even though I knew I was just trying to fill a void inside myself. And together with these non-judgemental silky strokes of illusionary Love, the fat dream girl’s figure suddenly appeared inside of me, and I realised she was the face of that old part of me that tried to treat her lack of self love with the empty promise of excessive consumption. Whether it be culinary, narcissistic, sexual, or romantic.

In my dream, I was completely enveloped by this alluring romantic illusion of the opposite sex, but when its glitter faded it revealed a sad and compromised young woman sitting in her full vulnerability and openly asking  

“Why are you doing this to me?”

 

Dear fat girl,

I see you now.
I see your pain.
I see your need.
I see the lack you think belongs to you.

Look into my eyes.
See my Light.
Feel your Strength.
You don’t need ice cream anymore,
for you have the power of my unconditional Love.

Get off the couch. Stand up!
Take my hand and dance with me.
When our hearts break, we open them wider.

When we fall, we rise again
and dance ourselves into our own infinite beauty.

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”

Anastasia