There's something in me that just want to give up, surrender and lie down. I know its a shadow identity. It's a way to protect me from the pain and catastrophe. But paradoxically pain and anxiousness can only increase when I'm trying to avoid it. Yet there is another part which is the aligned one which is passionate and wants to engage in the world. There's a thin gap between these two where the mind takes over and over analysis everything maybe to avoid mistakes and protects itself. The mind wants also to know everything in advance and perfects itself but the true impulse just needs the first step to initiate momentum and the flow will carry on from there. Maybe there's truth in the shadow identity. There's inertia especially I observe in the morning where I simply don't want to get up from the bed. I believe this is years of conditioning where I used to do those things for the sake of fitting in and belong and not get rejected and appear odd. Maybe the truth in the shadow identity is comfort and contentment. So I work to give myself all the rest and entertainment I need yet take the step to engage in the world. Especially since I clearly see that holding back and taking the safe shore of the intellect can never truly fulfill or avoid pain. So it's much better to take the centre stream than watch from the sidelines.