Following my message above, I felt to share something here, though I am not actually sure what to share about, so it feels a bit challenging to just start writing here and see where it takes me. At the moment I am experiencing a bit of an overload of things happening in my life, though I am not sure whether it is mainly an anxiety triggered in my mind that makes it feel like an overload and it isn’t actually that bad. I can feel a lot of anxiety about unwinding my apartment and getting rid of my belongings and all the uncertain factors and what could go wrong. There is a lot of practical things to sort out right now and I can see how this is really pulling me into my mind and a doing mode, with my head spinning and worrying (in my mind I have already moved out 50.000 times in all sorts of different scenarios), which physically can feel like a strong headache. Rationally I know that it will all be fine, but emotionally I feel lots of tightness and I sometimes even wonder if all the worrying about the move is covering some deeper feelings underneath that I might not want to face. On the one hand the spinning mind makes me loose the connection with myself, but at the same time I can feel a lot of energy and the strangest sensations moving internally too. And then as I am trying to write this I can feel some strong sensations/tightness in my head as well as my lower back and waist, and the more I feel into that, the less I seem to be able to make sense of what I am trying to write here anymore. Which then somehow leads to a kind of internal censorship that I should better stop writing, because I can’t make sense of myself anymore anyway, and definitely not post this. Yet, I am trying to resist and feel into that censorship, which makes my head even tighten up further, almost if something is trying to stop me from proceeding (with what a part of me would judge as writing nonsense). As I try to stay with this, my whole body feels like it is freezing and there is discomfort and heat in my abdominal area and tightness in my throat. I can sense a lot of anxiety under the surface, though I am not sure about what. There is also a sense of my mind going blank when I get into the feelings and perhaps an anxiety around that, something about being able to make sense of things and situations, and without that feeling unsafe. And maybe it is not even really going blank, but rather not having the mind monitor all that is going on, such as monitoring and making sense of things as I am writing, in a way to control how I put myself out there and avoid negative judgements (persecution is the word that comes up). As I just wrote the word persecution I could feel my head tightening and anxiety and grief coming up.

……….

Right, so that took me into quite a bit of deep processing and I am not sure I fully came through it yet. Lots of anxiety coming up around not feeling safe to express myself freely and possibly being labeled as mad or crazy and possible consequences of that, such as being put in a mental health institution or even being killed, which felt very karmic. Even in the processing I don’t feel fully free to let rip in case my neighbours might hear me and call the authorities. Only when I feel I am in a space where I can safely express, such as during Openhand events for example or otherwise when I am certain that nobody could see or hear me, can I fully let go and express relatively uninhibited. Even in the writing above, where the usual monitoring system of the mind wasn’t fully functional, it is the fear that someone visiting the Openhand website might brand me as this mad woman writing inconsistent gibberish that pushes all the tightness buttons and wants to censor the message or refrain from posting it altogether. So in my daily life in the matrix, my mind has developed a very intricate mechanism of control to 'keep me safe', and make sure there can be no reason for anyone to consider that I have gone mad and they need to send the authorities after me. And then towards the end of the processing there was something about kundalini activation coming up, as if there might be a subconscious fear that blocks kundalini activation, because at some point in time I was persecuted as a mad woman as a result of a kundalini activation.

It feels very tempting right now not to post this at all or at least read through it a few times to edit it into a ‘representable’ state, but to honour the process I will just post it as it is right now (which already makes me feel tight now). Who knows it might be helpful or resonating to someone reading this.